A/N: I have a lot of ideas for this story I really like, I think it might end up being the longest one I've done so far. The semi-episodic nature certainly helps. The reader who's been asking for an Aquamarine chapter is gonna get one for sure, a few days ago I came up with a basic premise that I think is really funny so you'll all be seeing that one soon.

Peridot stared up at the figure in front of her, her eyes widening. She almost didn't believe it.

"Peridot," Lapis said. "We need to talk."

Peridot was still in shock. She just stared at Lapis. A million words were running through her mind at once but she didn't know which ones to say. Thankfully, Lapis did most of the talking for her.

"I know what you're going to say," she began. "I know you… probably have a lot of things TO say. I was wrong, I was careless, and reckless, and didn't care about YOUR feelings. I've done a lot of internal reflection since I left. I… I must have hurt you, a lot. And for that, I apologize. And you don't have to forgive me, not right away. I don't expect everything to go back to the way it was. All I'm asking… is for another chance. Another chance to–"

"Who's at the door?" asked a young African American woman in skimpy clothing and heels, who approached the door. "It is two in the god damn morning, can't a girl get some motherfuckin' sleep in this town?"

Lapis stared at the woman in silence for several minutes, a blank expression on her face. Finally, she glanced down at Peridot. "Who's this?"

Peridot glanced uncomfortably between the woman and Lapis. "Uh…. ahem," she cleared her throat and adopted a cold, calculated stare. "Lazuli. After your… regrettable decision, I conducted an introspective review. I came to the conclusion that I strongly desire long term companionship from like-minded females, and cannot function efficiently alone."

The new woman looked down at Peridot. "Bitch, if you're gay, just say you're gay, there ain't no need to be all fuckin' convoluted and shit with that fuckin' 'genderless space alien' bullshit, you're not fuckin' slick."

"As such," Peridot continued, "I realized that living on my own simply wouldn't do. So, I put an ad out on Craigslist for a new roommate. This is CLASSi. My new roommate."

Lapis stared at CLASSi. "Classy?"

CLASSi shook her head. "Uh-uh. CLASSi. With an I. And a little dick hanging off the C that bends around and fucks the L out of the A-S-S-."

Lapis blinked. CLASSi was… even sassier than she was. She stared at Peridot. "You… replaced me?"

Suddenly, Peridot's dignified look disappeared, and her eyes widened. She realized almost immediately that she was offending Lapis, which was 100% not what she wanted to do. She just wanted not to look desperate. "No no! Not replaced! CLASSi was simply an interim roommate, so that I could-"

"So that you could find a more permanent person to replace me."

"No, of course not, I just-"

"I was gone for three months, Peridot," Lapis said. "You REPLACED me?"

Peridot glared. "I had to move on sometime. What about YOU?"

"What ABOUT me?"

"You said you wanted to avoid a war, so you had to leave Earth!" Peridot said. "But you DIDN'T leave Earth! You went galavanting around South Park for two frickin' months!"

"I did not galavant!" Lapis said indignantly. It was at this point that Steven walked over to see what all the ruckus was, and saw that Lapis was back. He also saw, however, that Lapis and Peridot were currently having a fight, and, not wanting to interrupt, he slowly backed away and pretended he didn't see anything. "I went to South Park so I could sort some things out. I talked to a lot of people and-"

"But you didn't talk to ME!" Peridot interrupted. "You went out and vented your problems to literally everyone EXCEPT me, the ONE person who'd have heard it! The one person you SHOULD have talked to! I'd have listened! I always have, I always do, and I always will! But instead you… avoided me. Like you… like you hated me. Or something." Peridot grew quiet, and her accusatory look started to look more like a sad one. "Do you… hate me?"

Lapis didn't answer. Not because she didn't HAVE an answer, but because this was not how she'd expected this to go and she was caught off-guard by the question.

Peridot took her former roommate's silence as an answer. "I see. Well, then. Goodbye, Lazuli."

"Wait, Peridot, don't-" The door was closed on Lapis's face. She turned away from the beach house and glanced around the area. Suddenly, she looked really frustrated. "Son of a bitch!" she muttered to herself as she walked away.

Peridot sighed, and turned to CLASSi. "That didn't go well. Do you think I could have handled that better?"

"Don't look at me," CLASSi said. "This ain't my problem, y'all niggas need to sort through your shit on your own, I am a busy motherfuckin' woman and I need my motherfuckin' beauty rest." CLASSi marched over to the bathroom she shared with Peridot and slammed the door.

The Oval Office was empty, as it had been since December. With the President missing, and the House Fusion having yet to make its way to the Senate, the United States government had no functioning leadership, and was forced to shut down.

The doors slammed open. White House Chief of Staff John Kelly entered, dragging President Garrison along with him. "Mr. President, you have to stop struggling!" he ordered. "This is for your own good!" Kelly placed a still-kicking Garrison into the chair at the Resolute Desk. "You're behind on ALL of your work. You have a federal budget to pass…"

"Oh, jeez."

"...a meeting with FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller…"

"Ohhh, jeeez."

"...and the United Nations is sending an envoy to question you about your nuclear attack on Canada."

"Ohhhhhh jeeeeeeez."

"You also have meetings with US, South Korean, and Japanese generals about North Korea, a luncheon at the Central Intelligence Agency to discuss Russian cyber attacks, a meeting with a dietician to help you with your weight problem-"

The President glared. "I am not fat, I'm big boned."

"According to the BMI, sir, you're two pounds away from being obese." Kelly coughed. "And if we hadn't been generous in calculating your height, you WOULD be obese."

"I am six-three!" Garrison retorted.

"Sure you are, Mr. President. Sure you are."

"The BMI is bullshit, anyway, it doesn't take your muscle mass into account."

Kelly rolled his eyes. "Yes sir, Mr. President."

"I'm really buff, you know," the President continued. "Don't you see all the fanart that my followers keep sending me on Twitter?"

"Yes, Mr. President, it's extremely easy to keep track of the people who still like you. They are few in numbers and speak very, very loudly."

An aide entered the room. "Mr. President, the Prime Minister of Canada is here to see you."

Garrison's eyes widened. "Oh, shit, tell him I'm not home!"

The Canadian Prime Minister marched into the room, an angry glare on his still-burned face. "Hey! There you are!" he yelled, his head flapping angrily. "Where the FUCK have you been?!"

Garrison straightened his posture. "Ah, Prime Minister Trudeau! Welcome! How, uh… how's the… thing, going?"

"Terrible!" Trudeau yelled. "Thanks to YOU, Toronto has been COMPLETELY obliterated! And then some asshole American spies calling themselves the 'Gem Crystals' came and ousted the Council of Presidents, and the citizens of New Toronto rioted and burned what remained of the city to the ground!"

"American spies?" Garrison asked. "No, no, I didn't send them, they aren't even American!"

The Canadian Prime Minister held up a packet of papers. "This is your signature, yes?"

"Yes, it is."

"This is a law passed by YOUR government which, among other things, granted full US citizenship to all of the Gems currently on Earth! It was in full effect when they came into Canada! Therefore, they're YOUR responsibility!"

Garrison groaned. "Oh, jeez, I did sign that bill, didn't I?"

"Your country is in a lot of fucking trouble, Mr. President!" the Prime Minister continued. "As if nuking our city wasn't bad enough, you sent spies into our territory? That's an act of war!"

"Well, now, hold on," Garrison tried to deflect the situation. "We- we don't even know that the Gems who ravaged Canada were even ON Earth at the time the bill was signed! The bill clearly states that only the Gems who were ON Earth when the bill was passed would be granted citizenship. Maybe these ones came later!"

The Prime Minister turned his head. "There's no way on Earth you could prove that!"

Garrison snapped his fingers. "That's the spirit! So, we have a deal, then! If I can prove that there are Gems on Earth now that WEREN'T on Earth when the bill was passed, you have to concede to the possibility that the Gems that caused New Toronto to burn to the ground were just a bunch of Randos!"

"I suppose so, yes." Trudeau stood up and marched back to the door. "If you can't prove it, though… god help you, buddy." He slammed the door shut, leaving the President alone with his Chief of Staff.

"John," Garrison said, "get that Turd Sandwich in Delmarva on the line."

"Yes sir," Kelly responded.

It was morning now on the East Coast, and Steven was already awake and ready to begin his day. He yawned, and marched over to the sink to begin his morning routine. This was when he noticed Peridot was already sitting at the island, a mug in her hand. "Oh, Peridot. You're up early."

"I'm up still," she said, taking a sip from the mug. The mug was empty. She just thought this was how people were supposed to begin their mornings. "CLASSi had… uh… a 'friend' over last night, so I just sat here all night."

Steven raised an eyebrow. "A friend?"

Peridot nodded slowly. She looked slightly traumatized. Steven shrugged and started soaking a towel in water. "Steven, where do babies come from?"

"What?"

"It's just… I think CLASSi was doing it wrong."

The conversation didn't get very far. Steven's phone rang. He picked it up and glanced at the caller ID. "202… that's a Capital City area code. Who could this be?" he answered it and placed the phone to his ear. "Universe residence, Steven Universe speaking." Steven raised an eyebrow at the voice on the other end, then adopted a bored glare. "Ugh. It's for you," he said, handing the phone to Peridot.

"Who is it?" Peridot asked.

"It's the President."

"Oh, for crying out loud." She held the phone up to her ear. "What do you want?"

Garrison stood at his window in the Oval Office and stared out at the city, one hand behind his back. "Hey, gay leprechaun, what's up?"

"Nothing's 'up', Garrison," Peridot responded. "Is this important or should I just hang up?"

CLASSi approached the island, dressed only in a bathrobe. "Are you talking to the President?" she asked. "Ask him why Jeff Sessions' gnome-lookin' ass wants to take away my motherfuckin' medicine."

Peridot paused. "My roommate wants to know why 'Jeff Sessions' gnome-looking ass' wants to take away her 'motherfucking medicine'."

"Listen, Peridot, you and your scissor sister broke up, right?" the President continued without missing a beat. "Like, she left the planet and all that shit, right?"

"Well, she's back, now."

"Right, but WHEN did she leave?"

"I don't know, November?" Peridot let go of the phone and simply let it levitate. "Listen, we actually just had a fight last night and I'm still quite upset over it, so if there's nothing else—"

"The FATE of the COUNTRY depends on this, Peridot!" Garrison cut her off. "If I can't prove that there's at least one Gem on Earth who ISN'T a US citizen that POTENTIALLY was in Canada at some point after Christmas, the Canadians are going to go to fucking war!"

Peridot sighed. "Okay, when did you pass the law?"

"The Crystal Bill was officially signed by me on December 7th, a few months after you, me, Governor Carney, and Delmarva's Congressmen introduced it into the House."

"Then yes, Lapis was gone by that point," Peridot responded. "As far as I'm aware, she left in November, returned briefly mid-December, and made her first move to permanently return to Earth last night."

"Well great!" Garrison said. "Can I talk to her?"

"I don't know where she is."

The President frowned. "Well, what? What do you mean?"

"I mean I don't know where she is. Like I said, we had a fight last night and she ran off again, she could be anywhere by now."

The sun rose over the Colorado Rockies, signaling the dawn of a new day in the quiet little mountain town of South Park. A fresh blanket of snow coated the ground. The children of South Park, predictably, were all getting ready for school.

Craig heard the doorbell ring and walked to answer. Tweek was standing on the other side. He looked slightly annoyed. "Oh, hey, Tweek. What's going on?"

Tweek just sighed, and stepped aside. Lapis walked into view and waved. "Hi, Craig!" she said.

"Oh, god damn it!"

Lapis entered the house. "So, Craig, I followed your advice and it backfired horribly, so I was wondering if you could give me some better advice this time?"

"Leave!" Craig said. "I have to go to school. I'm not going to be late because you can't sort through your own bullshit without me holding your hand."

"Oh, well, you can hold Tweek's hand, if you want."

"Bye." Craig pushed past Lapis, grabbed Tweek's hand, and started walking towards school.

Lapis put her hands on her hips. "Well, that was rude." She stood in front of Craig's house for a moment, because she really didn't have much else to do at this point. After a while, however, she heard a helicopter flying overhead. Then two. Then three. She looked up. Three black helicopters hovered over the house. "Oh, what now?"

Several black Cadillac Escalades suddenly pulled up to the house. Suited men in sunglasses stepped out of the vehicles. "There she is!" one of them shouted. "Secure the target!"

"Who are you—HEY, get off of me!" The men grabbed Lapis and dragged her, kicking and screaming, into the central car, a heavily-armored Cadillac limousine. "Let go of me!"

"Hello, Lapis," the orange-skinned man inside said, leaning forward. "You must be wondering why I kidnapped you just now."

"Yeah, I am, who are you?"

Mr. Garrison blinked. "You- You don't remember me?"

"Nope."

"I'm Mr. Garrison."

"The name doesn't ring a bell."

"The President of the United States."

Lapis rolled her eyes. "You can't expect me to keep track of who the President is at any given time. There have been, like, two of them since I came to Earth. That's a lot of names to remember."

"You thwarted an attempt by me and Steve Bannon to destroy the Crystal Gems with Member Berries and a Corrupting Light."

"Steve who?"

Garrison sighed and smacked his forehead. "Look, I need your help. You've been off-planet for a while, right?"

"For the most part."

"So that means you're not a US citizen."

"I guess?" Lapis tilted her head. "Wait, am I being deported? I JUST got back."

"No, I don't think we have a deportation catapult big enough to send you all the way back to where you're from." A Secret Service agent leaned over and whispered into the President's ear. "What- what do you mean we don't have ANY catapults? That was in my budget request."

"Just what is it you want from me?" Lapis asked.

"I heard you're in need of a roommate, to make your ex-scissor sister jealous," Garrison explained. "I'm in need of an illegal alien to hang around and convince the Canadian government that there are other Gems on Earth besides the Crystal Gems. Perhaps we could work something out?"

Lapis glared at Garrison. "Make Peridot jealous? That's so dirty, and cheap, and… sitcom-like. I don't want to make her JEALOUS, if she wants to be CLASSi's roommate, that's her choice."

Garrison lowered his head so that his forehead was casting a shadow on the rest of his face. "Well then it's a good thing I don't believe in a woman's right to choose," he said darkly. "Lapis, face it. The only way to get Peridot to take you back is to make you see what she's missing. If she sees that your roommate is the President of the United States, she'll come RUNNING back."

"No she won't. That's dumb. You're dumb."

The Commander in Chief groaned. "Just come be the First Roommate, will you? I need this more than you do. I am a desperate, sick, angry little man and you're exactly the image boost I need to keep the Canadians from bombing the shit out of us."

Lapis appeared to consider it as she sighed, and leaned back into the seat. "Alright. Fine. I'll do it. I'll be… the First Roommate."

The Channel 5 news anchor tapped his papers together and began reading off the news of the day. "Interesting developments out of the White House today, as First Roommate Lapis Lazuli prepares to move into the executive residence. Lazuli is, of course, making history today by becoming the first woman to hold the title of First Roommate while also not being a native-born citizen of the United States. On the scene to bring us more details about Ms. Lazuli is a Midget Wearing a Bikini."

A Midget Wearing a Bikini stood on the White House's North Lawn, a microphone in one hand, as he addressed the news-watching audience. Behind him stood a large crowd of onlookers. "Tom, crowds have gathered from all across the country to watch as First Roommate Lapis Lazuli arrives to the White House via helicopter. Already she's attracted quite a bit of attention from the American public. Lazuli has, of course, been invited to lunch with the former First Roommates, including Michelle Obama, Laura and Barbara Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Rosalynn Carter. With the President's popularity with women dwindling dramatically amid controversial comments made at the March for Life, many are wondering; will First Roommate Lazuli be able to change his tune?"

Lapis sat in a super uncomfortable but super stylish chair, holding a cup of tea. Sitting at the table with her were the all of the currently-living former First Roommates. First Roommate Michelle Obama cleared her throat.

"So, Lapis, how are you liking the White House?" she asked. "Are you settling in alright?"

Lapis shrugged. "I'm not really settled in, yet. It's a big place."

Hillary nodded. "You know, Bill and I always believed it was one of the most beautiful buildings in the country. What do you think of it, Lapis?"

Lapis shrugged. "I mean, it LOOKS nice, and all, but there's nothing to… you know, to DO." The women all laughed. "What, what's so funny?"

Michelle shook her head. "Nothing, sweetie. It's just that… well, there's not SUPPOSED to be anything to do there. It's not there to ENTERTAIN you, it's there to LOOK pretty!"

Lapist frowned. "Both functions are equally functionless," she reasoned. "It's the home of—allegedly—the most powerful human on Planet Earth. If the building isn't going to be PRACTICAL, it could at least be ENTERTAINING."

"But it's not for YOU," Michelle said. "It's for the people LOOKING AT you. It's a status symbol. The First Roommate is the most respected woman in the nation."

Lapis crossed her arms and blew a tuft of her messy hair out of her face. "That's dumb."

"What I'm more concerned about is the President," Hillary said, moving on to the next subject.

"What do you mean?" Lapis asked.

"Well, it's no secret he has problems getting along with women," Michelle commented. "Living with him is going to be interesting for you, to say the least."

Lapis shrugged. "I'm sure it'll be fine." Suddenly, the phone she'd been given by White House security buzzed. A CNN report appeared on her screen. "Hmm? What's this?"

"Looks like the President tweeted something," Hillary said.

Congratulations to all of the fat skanks who went to the Women's March last week! Let me know how much weight you lost.

Lapis just read the tweet over and over again. "Wow, that's not okay."

"Get used to it," Michelle said. "We all have."

Garrison sat at his desk with a landline phone in his hand. He wore a baseball cap that read 'Fuck Them All to Death!' and stared directly at a nearby camera man. "Okay, take a couple of really good shots so people think I'm actually working today," he said.

The Canadian Prime Minister entered the room. "Well, Mr. President? Where is she?"

"Where is who?"

"The new First Roommate, buddy. We have to verify that she's not American."

"How are you going to do that?"

As if on cue, Lapis entered the Oval Office. "Herbert," she said, glaring at him. "What was that tweet?!"

Garrison was taken aback. "Did you just call me by my first name?"

"Well, yeah, Peridot and I were on a first name basis," Lapis said, rolling her eyes.

"She only HAS one name!"

"Not true. She took my name and Steven's name during her Mayoral campaign to make herself more electable," Lapis corrected. "Legally, her name is 'Peridot Lazuli-Universe', to reflect the two roommates she'd had on Earth up until that point in time."

"Gee, that's pretty fuckin' dumb."

"It is what it is. Herbert Lazuli-Bannon-Jenner-Slave-Hat-Twig-Hat-Garrison, those tweets you're making about women are really offensive!"

"Listen, Lapis, NOBODY respects women more than I do, believe me," the President said as he rolled his eyes and made stank faces. "But sometimes, you gotta put a fat skank in her place."

"Ah, THIS is the First Roommate," Prime Minister Trudeau said. Immediately, Lapis was put off by his flapping head and beady eyes. He almost looked like another species entirely. "I'm glad to finally meet you, buddy. So, are you an American?"

Lapis shook her head. "No, although I don't actually know what that means."

"Hmm. I hope you don't mind if we ask you to… prove it."

"How am I going to prove something like that?"

"It's simple," Trudeau said as he put his hands behind his back and walked towards the window. "We're going to follow you around. Observe the things you do. Everywhere you go, you will be monitored. We will decide whether or not you are American based on what we see."

Garrison glared. "Hey, wait a minute, that wasn't the deal. The deal was if I could PROVE there were Gems on Earth who WEREN'T around when the citizenship bill was passed, you would let me off the hook."

"The deal has been altered. Pray that I don't alter it further."

Lapis shrugged. "Whatever."

Garrison sat down at his desk and groaned. "Oh, jeez…"

CLASSi sat on Steven's couch, a bowl on the table with a dimebag of 'medicine' sitting right next to it. She began stuffing the medicine into the bowl. Smiling once she was satisfied with it, she pulled out a lighter and held it to the end. Pearl walked by, wincing as she smelled the cannabis ignite. Turning, she glared at CLASSi.

"Can you not do that in here?" she asked.

CLASSi seemed to be ignoring her. "Ooh, yeah, that's some good shit…" she muttered as she leaned into the couch cushions. "This is my medicine right here. I gotta have it or I get all CRAZY."

"Can I see a doctor's note?" Pearl asked smugly. Her smug smile went away when CLASSi actually handed her a note.

To whom it may concern:

This is CLASSi's medicine right here. She's gotta have it or she gets all CRAZY. Please allow her to consume her medicine whenever she feels the urge daily, in accordance with your state's medicinal cannabis laws.

Sincerely,

Dr. Gouache Doctor, M.D.

Hell's Pass Hospital

South Park, CO 80432

Pearl glared at CLASSi again. Her attention, however, was diverted elsewhere, when she heard several high-pitched voices coming from the bathroom. She groaned and marched over there. Steven and Connie were standing at the door.

"She's been in there since yesterday," Steven said.

Pearl turned the knob, but it was locked. She knocked on the door. "Peridot, can I come in?"

"'Member when Pearl was fun?" a high-pitched voice said from within.

"No, I don't 'member that," another replied. Several high-pitched laughs followed.

Pearl knocked again. "Peridot, I know what happened was upsetting for you. Believe me, I know what you're going through. But… you were able to move on before, weren't you? Don't let last night totally destroy the progress you've made."

No response. After a minute of silence, Pearl sighed. The Member Berries inside began to sing "Africa", so Peridot probably wouldn't be able to hear her pleas anyway. She walked away, hoping that Peridot would get over it in her own time.

"Man, I hate seeing Peridot like this," Steven sighed. "She was finally starting to get over it, and then… last night happened. And it's starting to bum me out, too, because I miss hanging out with Lapis."

Connie thought about it for a moment. Though briefly a rival for Steven's attention, Peridot was still her friend. Sort of. They didn't actually talk all that much outside of Crystal Gem stuff. Regardless, Connie decided that something needed to be done about this. Lapis was permanently back on Earth. All they needed to do was get her to make up with Peridot. She hatched up a plan.

"Hey, Steven," she said, pulling out her phone. "Come look at this." She opened YouTube and searched the video that was instrumental to her plan.

"Coming January 31st," a hype-y announcer said, dramatic music playing over him. Fire blazed in front of a black background. "It's the action-packed movie event that'll preempt every movie event for the entire year. The Washington Post is calling it 'phenomenal'. The New York Times says it's the 'greatest film ever created'. The New Toronto Star gives it three thumbs up. The new generation of comedy is here, and they're teaming up with the classics."

Various names shot across the screen. "Terrance. Phillip. Jonah Hill. And Dave Franco star in…

"TERRANCE & PHILLIP: ASSES OF FIRE 3. Rated R."

Steven raised an eyebrow. "I think we have more important things to deal with right now."

"Well hold on, Steven," Connie said, placing a hand on his shoulder to preempt any other objections. "We've really been looking forward to this movie. This movie opens tonight. It's ALSO rated R, and we can't get into R-rated movies by ourselves. Now, we COULD buy Dogcopter tickets and just walk into the theatre showing Terrance & Phillip… buuuuut, Peridot and Lapis are both old enough to watch."

Steven smiled. "Ohhh, I think I see where this is going. I can ask Lapis to take me to the movie, then YOU can ask Peridot to take YOU to the movie, and when we get there, BAM! They're together again!"

"The only question is, WHERE is Lapis?" Connie asked herself, scratching her chin. As if on cue, CLASSi turned on a nearby radio, which was tuned to a local news station.

"...Secretary of Alien Affairs Bill Dewey has claimed that the Garrison Administration's position on illegal immigration has not changed following much questioning by various far-right political groups which propped up the President during his campaign in 2016."

Former Mayor Dewey's voice could be heard now. "The recent arrival of Lapis Lazuli to the White House changes nothing. The First Roommate is in America legally and taking the necessary steps to naturalization."

Steven blinked. "Lapis is in the White House?"

"Man, she works fast," Connie muttered in amazement.

Bills. Bills. Bills. All the President had on his desk were bills. The bills sat on Capitol Hill and now they sat on his desk, awaiting his signature to become laws, and, to be frank, he couldn't be assed. He glanced over at the First Roommate, who was typing away on her phone. He then glanced in the other direction, at the Canadian Prime Minister, who was watching Lapis intently. "So, uh, Lapis," Garrison cleared his throat. "What's on your agenda today?"

"I'm starting a Twitter campaign against cyber-bullying."

"How come?"

"Because the President's a cyber bully."

Garrison blinked. "Lapis, I'm the President."

"Yeah."

"Hmm…" Trudeau hummed, sipping his tea. "How aboot tomorrow, Ms. Lazuli? What are your plans tomorrow?" Lapis shrugged. "Indecision is a very American quality, friend…"

Garrison perked up. In a panic, he tried to redirect the conversation. "Uh, hey, I have an idea! Let's talk about our favorite weird foreign concepts! Lapis, you go first, that shithole planet you're from probably has LOTS of them."

An aide entered. "Mr. President, you have a few phone calls you need to take."

"Oh, jeez, from who?"

"The Prime Minister of Britain is on line 1 to discuss a post-Brexit mutually beneficial trade alliance, the Chancellor of Germany is on line 2 with information about an attempt by the Russians to provoke a race war in Europe, and Steven Universe is on line 3."

The President hummed. "Steven Universe? What's he want?" He dialed out the extension. "This is the President."

On the other end, Steven smiled. "Oh, hi there, Mr. President! May I speak to Lapis, please?"

The President sighed, and handed the phone to Lapis. "It's for you."

Lapis grabbed the phone and held it to her ear. "This is Lapis Lazuli."

"Hi Lapis!" Steven said cheerfully. "It's Steven!"

Lapis smiled. "Oh, hi, Steven! Sorry we haven't been able to do anything since I got back." She glanced at Mr. Garrison. "I've been busy."

"Oh, that's okay. So, uh, listen, are you busy TONIGHT?"

"No, I'm not busy."

"Great! There's this new movie coming out that Connie and I really want to see, but it's rated R and her mom won't let her see it. Sooo, I was wondering if YOU wanted to go?"

"That sounds great!" Lapis said. "I'll be back in Beach City in a bit. See you soon!" Not knowing how to hang up a landline, Lapis just dropped the receiver and let it hit the floor, which sent a painful feedback noise into Steven's ear.

"Jeez!" he yelled, nearly dropping his own phone. Figuring Lapis meant to hang up, he did the same and looked over at Connie. "Operation: Gem Trap is go!"

Connie nodded, and knocked on the bathroom door. "Peridot, can you come out here? I need to ask you something."

Peridot sighed from within. "I'll be right out." Several high pitched 'awwww's came from the bathroom.

"'Member five minutes ago?"

"Oh, I 'member five minutes ago, five minutes ago was fantastic."

Peridot opened the door. Her hair was messy, her face looked tired, and Member Berries swarmed the room behind her. "What is it?"

Connie just stared at the hundreds of talking berries behind Peridot. "Uh… you're old enough to get into an R-rated movie, right?"

Peridot's eyes darted back. "Um. As far as you or anyone else on this planet is aware, yes, I am."

"Great! I want to see a movie but I'm not 17 and my mom won't take me to see it. Can you take me?"

Peridot hummed and scratched her chin. "Hmmm. Yes. It WOULD be the responsible adult thing to help you get into an adult film, wouldn't it?" She snapped her fingers. "Yes, I WILL take you to this movie, because I am older than 17, as far as you or anyone else on this planet is aware! I CERTAINLY wasn't created expressly to monitor the cluster, and I DEFINITELY haven't been lying to you all for the last three years about being thousands of years old!"

Steven frowned, but decided to just ignore what Peridot just said for now. "Great, see, Connie, you get to see the Terrance and Phillip movie after all!"

CLASSi perked up, stood up from the couch, and walked over to the group. "Are y'all seeing Terrance and Phillip? They were THE SHIT when I was a kid! My high ass is coming too."

Steven didn't think that was a good idea. This plan was to get Peridot and Lapis back together, but CLASSi was the catalyst that triggered their argument. Regardless, if he randomly forbade CLASSi from coming, he knew that Peridot would get suspicious. So, he simply didn't say anything. He laughed nervously as Peridot, CLASSi, and Connie walked out the front door.

"Have fun at the movie you guys…" he said. He really hoped his plan wasn't screwed. Pearl arrived with a vacuum cleaner. "What's that for?"

Pearl opened the bathroom door again, allowing several Member Berries to pour out. "Well, they aren't going to clean THEMSELVES up." She turned the vacuum on and began sucking up the Berries.

Lapis started to walk out of the Oval Office. The Canadian Prime Minister stopped her. "Excuse me? Hello? Where do you think you're going, buddy?"

"I'm going out with my friend," Lapis said, confused. "What, I can't do that?"

"You're the First Roommate!" the PM reasoned. "You don't get to HAVE a personal life."

Lapis rolled her eyes. "Okay, whatever. The President has other roommates in Florida and Empire City. HE gets to do that, but I can't?"

The PM narrowed his eyes. "And this doesn't bother you."

"Bother me? I agreed to it. I encouraged it," Lapis corrected. "The less time I have to spend with HIM, the better."

"Those are very American qualities you have there, Ms. Lazuli."

"Well I didn't USED to hate my roommate!" Lapis complained. "But he's the President, and it's not the life I wanted, so what do you want from me? I'm gonna go to that movie!"

Trudeau relented. "Fine. But I'm coming with you. You're still being tested for American qualities, and right now it's not looking so good."

"Fine."

Garrison marched between them. "Now hold on, a second, I'm coming too."

"Mr. Garrison, don't have to-" Lapis began, before she was pulled in closer by Garrison, who looked very stressed out.

"I am not leaving you alone with this beady-eyed freak of nature," the President whispered. "A lot is at stake here, and I think he's going to try and trick you into admitting things that aren't true. You need to keep your guard up, okay?"

Lapis shrugged. "Whatever. Let's go."

The Beach City Drafthouse could best be described as a movie theatre that nobody really liked going to, but that they HAD to go to, as it was the only cinema in Beach City. Ocean Town had, like, six movie theaters, including an Alamo. But Beach City only had one, which was the one Peridot, Connie, and CLASSi arrived at. Connie approached the booth. "Three tickets for Asses of Fire 3, please."

The clerk glanced down at her. "This movie's rated R. Do you have a parent or legal guardian with you?"

Connie pulled Peridot to the front. "This is my mom."

The clerk blinked. "This is your mom."

"Yes."

"This- this green woman is your mom."

Connie scoffed. "It's 2018!"

Peridot glared at the clerk. "Yeah, what are you, a racist or something? Also, I'm totally old enough to be her mom, it-it's not like I lie about my age on a regular basis or anything."

"Sorry, sorry, I was just making sure." They exchanged cash and tickets. "Theater 7."

"Thank you," Connie said. "Come on, let's go find seats." She and Peridot started to walk into the theater. CLASSi lagged slightly behind, as she was still high.

"Shit, this movie's gonna fuckin' suck, but I don't give a fuck, I'm fuckin' high as a kite."

Shortly after the group entered the theater, Steven arrived. "Two tickets to see Asses of Fire 3, please."

The clerk looked unamused. "Are your parents around, kid?"

"Oh, they- they'll be here soon."

"Mhmm. I can't sell you the tickets until I see them."

Steven sighed, and stared up at the sky. "Come on, Lapis, where are you?" he muttered. His question was answered almost immediately when a small military helicopter flew overhead. The seal of the President was emblazoned on the side, and the phrase 'United States of America' was painted on the tail. Citizens of Beach City watched in awe as the helicopter landed in front of the movie theater.

Several armed soldiers stepped out. They were followed by Lapis, as well as President Garrison, and the Canadian Prime Minister, whose very appearance made Steven nervous. Why were the Canadians cooperating with the President? What was going on?

"Hi, Steven!" Lapis said, bending down and hugging the boy. "I hope you don't mind, I brought my new roommate with me."

Now Steven was REALLY concerned. This was supposed to be a double date; he and Connie were to be joined by Peridot and Lapis, but each had brought dates of their own. This wouldn't do at all. Regardless, he figured he could find SOME way to remove CLASSi and the President from the situation, so he turned around and approached the ticket clerk once more.

"These are my parents."

The clerk stared suspiciously at Lapis and the President. "These are your parents."

"Yes."

"This blue woman and this orange man, who happens to be the 45th and current President of the United States of America, they conceived you, a white boy."

Steven didn't waver. "Yes. They are my parents."

"And this man who is very obviously the Prime Minister of Canada?"

"He's my uncle."

"And the military officials behind you?"

"My cousins."

The clerk didn't look like he was buying it. "Mhmm. I see. Well, here are your tickets, then. Enjoy the movie."

"Thanks," Steven said, grabbing the tickets. He, Lapis, the President, and the Canadian Prime Minister all entered the theater. After a quick search, Steven found Connie, Peridot, and CLASSi sitting in the back row. He joined them, sitting next to Connie, who was on the end of the trio.

"Oh, Steven!" Peridot said, smiling. "You're here, too? But… how did you get in?"

Lapis sat down next to Steven. "So, Steven, what's this movie…" her eyes drifted over to Peridot, and she frowned. "...about…" Peridot also frowned upon seeing Lapis.

"Terrance and Phillip are the most famous comedians to come out of Canada!" the Prime Minister explained. "This movie's aboot friendship, and it's aboot forgiveness, and it's aboot the ability to overcome misunderstandings. Quite the cinematic masterpiece if I do say so myself, guy."

Lapis's eyelids lowered, and she gave Peridot a warm smile. Peridot returned the expression, causing Steven to sigh in relief.

"I saw the first movie when I was a kid," CLASSi interrupted. "Shit was fuckin' funny!"

Lapis looked at CLASSi, and frowned. She didn't look so happy anymore. "Oh. I see you brought company," she said, sighing and looking away from Peridot.

Peridot crossed her arms. "Yeah. Well. I see you've moved on as well. You're the President's roommate now, or something?"

"Yes, I am, actually!" Lapis said very indignantly. "He's VERY successful!"

Steven sighed. "Let's not kid ourselves, Lapis," he muttered under his breath.

Garrison glared at Steven. "I'm trying my best, you fat little asshole."

"Shut up, the movie's starting!" CLASSi said, hushing everyone who argued. The lights dimmed, and various production logos were displayed on the large screen. After those were over, a dramatic Canadian desert landscape came into view. Canada has deserts. Fuck you.

A lone Canadian car drove down the road. Eventually, it stopped, and a man stepped out. He could only be seen from his waist down as he walked towards a tree. Underneath that tree sat another man, his tilted hat obscuring his face. The first man approached the newcomer.

"Hey, Phillip," the man said. The camera panned up, revealing himself to be the one and only Terrance.

Phillip looked up slightly. "What do you want?"

"I have one very important question to ask you."

"What's that, Terrance?"

Terrance turned around, and leaned his ass in dramatically. Once his ass was within shitting distance to Phillip's face, he let out a long, cartoony fart. Both Canadians immediately began to laugh—as did Steven, Connie, and CLASSi. Peridot and Lapis didn't find it very funny, and the President was just nervous. The Canadian Prime Minister glanced over at Lapis.

"What's wrong, buddy?" he asked, glaring. "You don't think this is funny?"

"It's a riot," Lapis lied.

"Terrance, how could I possibly forgive you for what you did to m-" Phillip was cut off as Terrance farted in his face again, and once again both men laughed hysterically. "Okay, but seriously, you did a very bad thing you very bad man!"

Peridot glared at the screen. "Yeah, Terrance, you're a jerk!"

Lapis glared at Peridot. "Maybe PHILLIP was the jerk. Maybe- maybe Phillip did something to Terrance first!"

"You left me, Terrance! You abandoned me!"

"Gee, that sounds familiar," Peridot said, still side-eyeing Lapis.

"You're a semen-slurping fuck waffle, Phillip!" Terrance yelled.

"Yeah!" Lapis said. "You tell that semen-slurping fuck waffle how you really feel, Terrance!"

"You're a cock-munching dick-smashing piss drinker!" Phillip yelled.

"Cock-munching dick-smashing piss drinker… I'll have to remember that one," Peridot muttered.

Steven looked uncomfortable. "O-Okay guys, let's settle down…"

"Donkey raping shit eater!" yelled Terrance.

"Splooge-drenched Logan Paul apologist!"

"Gay leprechaun!"

Peridot crossed her arms and leaned over to Connie. "You know, I'm really starting to sympathize with the gay leprechaun," she whispered.

"Oh, of course YOU would!" Lapis yelled.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just saying, it makes sense that you would identify with the one who's OBVIOUSLY in the wrong here."

"Phillip didn't instigate the argument, Terrance did!"

"Yeah, he did, but Terrance tried to apologize for his mistakes!" Lapis reasoned. "And Phillip hasn't apologized ONCE yet!"

"An apology isn't good enough, Lapis!" Peridot said. "You have to MEAN IT!"

"Oh, jeez," Garrison muttered as he pulled out his phone. He decided to distract himself by tweeting.

"I DID mean it, Peridot!" Lapis yelled back. "You just- I mean, Phillip is too dense to see that!"

"Stop it!" Steven yelled. Everyone in the theater grew quiet as he stood up. "Stop it. You know, I was trying to help you two reconcile, because I HATED seeing you upset," he gestured to Peridot, "and I KNOW that if SHE was upset, YOU were a mess," he gestured now to Lapis, "and because I THOUGHT you two cared about each other! I guess I was wrong." He glanced at Connie quickly. "You know, I know how people who love each other talk to each other. That wasn't it. That was… something else. If you don't want to be around each other, fine. Don't be. I won't be trying this again." Steven turned and walked out of the theater.

"Steven!" Connie yelled after him, standing up. "Steven, wait up!" She followed him out.

Lapis, Peridot, Garrison, and Trudeau were left alone, staring at the door in shock. "Jeez, what a fuckin' drama queen," Garrison said, still tweeting away. On the screen, another fart could be heard, and Terrance and Phillip laughed hysterically. Peridot and Lapis briefly glanced at each other before also standing up and leaving.

Steven marched out of the theater, glaring at his own feet with his hands in his pockets.

"Hey, kid, where are your parents?" the ticket clerk asked.

"They're getting a divorce," Steven muttered. Connie marched out of the building a second later.

"Where are YOUR parents?"

"They're getting a divorce," Connie said.

"Jeez, this must be one fucked up movie," the clerk said.

"Steven, wait up!" Connie yelled. "Come on, what happened in there was NOT your fault. Peridot and Lapis have a lot of issues they need to work through."

"You know what, Connie? At this point, I don't care if it's my fault anymore." Steven turned around. He looked really, really stressed out. "Will this last forever? No, it probably won't. They'll make up and this'll all blow over, and then we'll just move on to the next problem. But that's just it! There are more problems! If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm so SICK of all of the drama. It's always 'Gem War' this, or 'War Crime' that, and if it's not one of those things, somebody's fighting with somebody else!" Steven turned back around and sat down on the curb. "Some days, I just wish… I don't know. I just wish I didn't have to deal with all of this. I wish I could make it someone ELSE'S problem for a day and just… be a kid. Is that selfish?"

"It's a little selfish," Peridot said as she approached on Steven's left, and sat down next to him. "Of course, we're ALL a little selfish, sometimes," she continued, looking up at Lapis, who approached Steven's other side.

"But being selfish sometimes doesn't make you a BAD person," Lapis finished Peridot's thought. "It just means you want something you don't have. Everyone knows what that's like."

Steven sighed. "I made a big mistake. I didn't like seeing you two apart, so I tried to take matters into my own hands."

"That was indeed a mistake," Peridot said matter-of-factly. "But… I mean, you KNOW we still love YOU, Steven. Just because Lapis and I are dealing with a minor crisis right now doesn't mean that's going to change. Ever."

"Yeah. I know." Peridot and Lapis each wrapped an arm around Steven. "Do you guys hate each other?"

Peridot looked up at Lapis. "Regardless of how she feels about ME," she sighed, "no. I don't hate her. I COULDN'T. I'm just really upset at her. Or with her. Or maybe ABOUT her."

Lapis shrugged. "I COULD hate Peridot." This made Peridot frown, and she looked down, dejected. "But I don't. I wouldn't have tried to come back if I did." Peridot looked back up in surprise. "Don't get me wrong, she's acting like a huge jerk right now. But, then again, so am I."

Peridot smiled warmly at Lapis. She was right. They were both being idiots. The Canadian Prime Minister and Mr. Garrison finally joined them as well.

"You two really do care aboot each other," Trudeau commented. "Americans don't care aboot each other, buddy. They only care aboot themselves." He looked over at the President. "Alright. I concede. Lapis Lazuli is no American. You're off the hook."

Garrison sighed. "Oh, thank god."

Peridot and Lapis continued to smile at each other, their expressions becoming warmer. When they first started living together, Peridot started hearing music. Whenever Lapis was around, so was the music. It was an incredibly calming sound.

With a little love
And some tenderness
We'll walk upon the water
We'll rise above this mess.

Steven blinked. "Uh…"

With a little peace
And some harmony
We'll take the world together
We'll take 'em by the hand.

Connie looked around. "Does anyone else hear that?"

Peridot shrugged. "Hear what?"

'Cause I've got a hand for you.

"No, I hear it, too," Steven said. "Somebody's playing Hootie and the Blowfish. Like, really, really far away."

'Cause I wanna run with you.

"Oh, I hear it clear as day," Peridot sighed.

"Yeah, me too," Lapis affirmed.

Garrison glanced around. "Yeah, I hear it too, where the hell is that coming from?"

Steven stood up to search for the source of the music. Peridot sighed and looked down at her feet. "Lapis, I'm… I'm sorry. I didn't mean it when I said all of those horrible things about you."

Lapis looked away. "I'm the one who left in the first place. You deserved to be mad."

"I mean… I still am," Peridot admitted. "But… you deserve to be angry, too. I never looked at things from your perspective."

"Well, I can't blame you for that, you're too short to look at things from my perspective."

After a brief moment of what should have been silence, with the only noise being Hootie and the Blowfish, Peridot suddenly hugged Lapis tightly. Though confused and surprised at first, Lapis returned the hug. They remained like that for quite some time.

Steven smiled and put his hands together. "Awww."

Trudeau approached Steven. "Hey, kid. Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Oh, uh, sure thing, Mr. Prime Minister. What's up?"

The Prime Minister stared Steven down. "That star on your shirt… are you a Crystal Gem?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I am."

"I see." The Prime Minister handed Steven a card. "When things go down south, call that number, buddy."

Steven stared at the card in confusion. "Huh?"

"Your caretakers aren't who they say they are," Trudeau explained. "Something very, very bad is aboot to happen, and you shouldn't be swept up in what's aboot to go down. So please. Call that number."

Steven looked back up. "What do you mean? Something 'bad' is about to happen?"

Trudeau turned and started to walk away. "The prophecy hasn't been wrong so far. I fear the worst, both for my people and for yours. One day, you'll be forced to save yourself from what's to come. Goodbye, friend."

Garrison hummed. "Huh. Well that was ominous."

Steven decided to forget about it, and looked back over at Peridot and Lapis, who were still embracing.

"I missed you," Peridot muttered.

Lapis looked over at CLASSi and Mr. Garrison. "Uh, yeah, I missed you too, but…"

"But what?"

"Well… I mean, I wanted you to come back to the barn with me. But I live in the White House, now. And I have to keep the President in line. He can't take care of himself. And what about CLASSi? Who'll be her roommate?"

"Oh," Peridot said, smiling. "I think I have a solution that'll play in everyone's favor."

Many days later, everything was returning back to normal. The President returned to the White House, ready to get some work done. He had bills to pass and foreign dignitaries to please.

So, naturally, he sat down at his desk in the Oval Office and pulled out his phone. "Nancy Pelosi's gaping vagina still isn't big enough to fit all of the lies she's feeding the American-"

CLASSi barged into the room. "Herbert With-An-I-Lazuli-Bannon-Jenner-Slave-Hat-Twig-Hat-Garrison, is your dumb orange ass tweeting again?!"

The President quickly hid his phone. "No!"

"Bullshit, nigga, show me your phone!" CLASSi ran over to the desk and snatched the President's phone from out of his hand. "The fuck you tweeting about Nancy Pelosi's vagina for? You got a State of the motherfuckin' Union to deliver, dumbass!"

"I'm sorry, CLASSi…"

"God damn motherfuckin' right you're sorry! Get out there and deliver that address before I beat your sorry ass!"

Garrison sighed and stood up, sadly marching out of the room. "I wish I was single…" he muttered.

"What was that?!"

"Uh, nothing, CLASSi!" He closed the door on his way out, leaving CLASSi alone.

"Fuckin' idiot," CLASSi said once he was gone.

A/N: I later learned after writing most of this that, in South Park, CLASSi is voiced by Kimberly Brooks, the same actress who voiced Jasper in Steven Universe. Pretty weird coincidence!