A/N: This was supposed to be Chapter 13, but I couldn't figure out much beyond the initial premise. Instead of ditching it entirely, I decided to just post it here as a short intermission. As a result of the lost time I spent writing this one, Chapter 13 is slightly shorter than usual. Sorry about that!

Bismuth stabbed a steak knife directly into the table below her. Between the knife and the table was a map of the United States. The knife had been sunk into the area of the map where one could find Empire City. "The Renegades were there…" she muttered. "How has nobody caught them yet?"

"More importantly, how were they able to free all of those Canadians without anyone even identifying WHO they were?" President Garrison asked.

Pearl crossed her arms and glared at the President. "You never told me you'd be imprisoning all of the Canadian-Americans."

Garrison shrugged. "Hey, waging war is a dirty line of work."

"Yes but the goal is to teach the Canadian GOVERNMENT a lesson," Pearl said. "That's why I've ordered your military to only attack MILITARY targets."

"Hmmmm…" Bismuth hummed. "There's an internment camp in Beach City, isn't there?"

"Well, yeah, of course there is," Garrison answered. "Why?"

"Garnet, Pearl, come with me," Bismuth said. "The Renegades are BOUND to show up at the Beach City camp. We can stop them." Bismuth did a quick headcount. "...hey, wait, I haven't seen Amethyst since I was released."

Pearl nodded. "Yes, I sent her into town to put up posters to promote the war effort."

Bismuth blinked. "How long ago was this?"

"About three weeks."

"And she's not back yet."

"Yes, well-" Pearl stopped. "She… huh."

Garnet hummed and put a finger to her chin. "I haven't seen Lapis or Peridot lately, either."

Bismuth realized something. "Have you seen Rose Quartz since the war began?"

Pearl shook her head. "Steven? My goodness, no, I didn't feel it would be right to force him to participate in this."

"So let me get this straight," Bismuth said, things beginning to click in her mind. "You haven't seen more than half of your allies since the war began. You previously told me that Amethyst, Peridot, and Steven have ALL voiced objections to this war. A mysterious group calling themselves the 'Crystal Renegades' has been going around and sabotaging our efforts, in ways that ONLY other Gems could do so. And it still hasn't clicked for you just WHO those Renegades are?"

Pearl shook her head. "No, and I also don't see how any of what you're saying is related."

A White House aide entered the room. "Mr. President, the Attorney General would like to have a word with you."

Garrison stood up. "I gotta take this, you guys." The Commander-in-Chief walked out into the halls, where Jeff Sessions' gnome-looking ass was waiting, a worried look on his face. God, the President hated him. "What's up, you dopey Snow White-looking dumb shit?"

Sessions sighed. "Mr. President, there's a bit of a situation going on in Colorado."

"What kind of situation?"

"We found all of the missing Canadians."

Garrison smiled. "Well great! Send in our troops and round them all up."

"It's not that simple, sir," Sessions replied. "You see, Colorado recently enacted Sanctuary City laws, and the Canadians appear to be hiding out in South Park, which is a Sanctuary City."

"What the hell is a 'Sanctuary City'?"

"Okay, so, you know how the Republicans keep championing 'states rights'," Sessions said, utilizing air quotes.

"Yeah?"

"Sanctuary Cities are what happens when the Democrats decide to start championing states rights. The local authorities are arguing that their laws basically allow them to refuse cooperation with federal authorities, using your own rhetoric to do so. They also require employers to notify immigrant employees well in advance if there is to be an inspection by Border Patrol, and the local police are also powerless. The Canadians will be safe in South Park indefinitely."

Garrison furrowed his brow. "Oh, jeez. So what do we do about that?"

"Well, we can't send the military in to put them down, as that would make us look like assholes," Sessions explained. "What we can do, however, is settle this in a more… civil manner."

A stack of legal papers was slapped onto Mayor McDaniels' desk. She raised an eyebrow and picked up the first paper in the stack. "What the hell is this?" she asked the suited man in front of her.

"This is a LAWSUIT!" the man yelled. "If you're going to ignore the federal government, WE'RE going to SUE the pants off of you!"

The Mayor sighed. "Doesn't the administration have anything better to do than sue pissant mountain towns for being progressive?"

"No, we do not!" the man said. "We'll be seeing you in court!" He marched out of the office, slamming the door on his way out.

"Johnson, get Gerald Broflovski on the phone," the Mayor said, pinning a small, star-shaped pin to her lapel. "The Crystal Renegades are NOT going down without a fight."

Mayor McDaniels met with Gerald Broflovski, South Park's most well-known lawyer, to discuss the impending lawsuit from the Garrison administration. "Now, Mr. Broflovski, as I'm sure you've been told, we're in quite the pickle here. The government is suing us and we simply don't HAVE the legal defense team to make a case against the President's cronies."

Gerald shook his head. "I wouldn't worry about that, Mayor. South Park falls in the jurisdiction of a fairly… shall we say, 'resistance friendly' court district. These judges are the same ones that struck down the President's executive order that allows him to 'fuck them all to death'."

"Oh. Well, that's good."

Suddenly, an angry-looking forty-year-old woman in a gawdy outfit and long, greasy black hair barged into the room. Following her was several of South Park's resident rednecks. "What the FUCK are you doing?!" she asked.

The Mayor blinked. "Who is this?"

"Dana Loesch, NRA spokeswoman," the woman greeted, taking a seat next to Gerald. "I heard that South Park just passed a law that raises the minimum gun-purchase age to 21 years old. How the FUCK do you explain that BLATANT, UNCONSTITUTIONAL disregard for the rights of citizens?!"

"Yeah!" one of the rednecks, Darryl, who sported long red hair and a long mustache, shouted. "It's unconstitutional!"

Gerald raised an eyebrow. "Darryl, you're 42."

"Yeah, but- but what if I wasn't?"

"But you ARE!"

"But what if I WASN'T?!"

"That's irrelevant!" Dana interrupted. "It is UNCONSTITUTIONAL to restrict the rights of law-abiding citizens based on their age. On behalf of Americans everywhere, we're SUING you!"

The Mayor glared. "Now hold on a minute, that isn't fair! The government restricts the right to purchase and consume alcohol based on age."

"Well, yeah, but that's, like, constitutional."

"No it's not. It has NOTHING to do with the constitution."

Dana looked a little puzzled. "It… doesn't?"

"No!" The Mayor explained. "The constitution doesn't say anything about the drinking age. It was raised from 18 to 21 in 1984 by a bill passed by Congress and signed into law by President Ronald Reagan."

Suddenly, a white-haired man in a suit and tie barged into the room. "You! What the FUCK do you think you're doing?!"

"Jesus Christ, what now?" the Mayor groaned.

"Pete Coors, Chairman of the MillerCoors brewing company!" the man said, sitting down next to Dana and Gerald. "We're suing you for unconstitutional age discrimination!"

The Mayor put her face in her hands. "So what you're telling me is that I now have THREE different lawsuits on my hands? What's next, the Department of Motor Vehicles?"

An older African-American woman barged into the room. "I heard that South Park restricts the right to drive based on age."

The Mayor slammed her own face onto the desk.