perfectfiresky - I'm sorry I made you cry! But as for Tom and Buzz and their future, I'm not saying a word, that would be spoilers ;)
79 Tom's POV
"So how did your picnic go last week?" Natasha asked kindly at our next session.
"I... It was the first time we had... it was the first time I had ever taken Buzz out somewhere." I still couldn't believe I hadn't... isn't that what father's did? Take their children out to the park, to play in fields, soft play areas, places like that? Wasn't that was I was supposed to do? I hadn't ever done that, ever.
All I had ever done was brought him to this therapist office, and to the supermarket. Nowhere else. That was all I had ever done, how could I have only ever done that? How hadn't I noticed until we were in that field? How could I be so stupid to not realise? How? I didn't understand, I honestly didn't understand, I wished I did.
"Was it really? Are you sure?" even Natasha seemed shocked, she should have been. Honestly, what kind of father didn't take his children out?
And what kind of father had their child tell them to smile more? My son had to tell me that I needed to smile more. He was noticing things weren't right, he wasn't even two years old, and he knew that his dad wasn't what he should have been. He wasn't even two years old and he knew that. What kind of father did that? What kind of father did that to their child?!
"Trust me, I think I would remember taking my son out somewhere to play, like a normal father would." I didn't mean to snap at her, but I was just so angry with myself. So damn angry. I hated myself, I hated that I was failing my son, and I hated that I couldn't do this right. I should have been able to do this right, everybody else could, why couldn't I?
"Well, under the circumstances, I guess it isn't too much of a shock." Natasha made me whip my head up to look at her, "What I mean to say is, is that your wife didn't even let you be with Buzz while you were in the house together, so it stands to reason that she would continue that separation during outings too."
"If, if she hadn't have left, then I would have never spent any time with him." the realisation had been in my head for days now, screaming at the forefront of my mind. "I wouldn't have gotten to know him at all. I wouldn't have been his dad, I would have been... I would have been no-one to him." I hated the idea, hated knowing that he wouldn't have known me, and that I would have been basically a stranger to him. My own son, living under the same roof as him, and we would have been strangers to each other.
"I know, and that's a horrible thought, but, at least that didn't happen Tom. She left, and gave you the chance to bond, and to be the proper father and son you always should have been." Natasha tried to smile, it didn't help.
"But I have lost so much time! I have lost so much damn time and there isn't enough time in the day to always spent time with him because I have so many other things to do to look after him and keep him safe! I can't do both! I can't do this by myself and I have lost so much time with him already!" I wanted to cry, to scream and cry forever. Until I couldn't feel this helpless anymore, to feel like I could somehow control something, to actually feel like I could do something right for Buzz.
"Then make up the time Tom, make time in the day to spent with him. It is possible, because single parents do it all the time, and manage it. You can do it too, and I can help with that, however you need me to help. But I can promise you right now, that all is not lost, nothing is ever lost. You may not be able to get back the time you have lost, but you can still get time now, and continue to have it for the rest of your life." Natasha told me, sounding determined.
"How? How can I? I have no idea what I'm doing!" I was doing what I had always done, and it wasn't enough, it would never be enough.
"By putting down the cleaning equipment, taking a breath, and playing with your son. Carve out time during the week, maybe just one afternoon or morning a week for now, and take that time to do something with Buzz. Watch a film, play a game, take him somewhere. Hell, you could spent a hour reading to him if you wanted, anything like that, anything, will do. It may not go as you want it to the first few times, but it will be better than nothing. Everything counts here, everything." Natasha explained, "It'll be hard at first, and it'll feel weird and wrong, but it will get better and better. And you two will bond more, and you will be able to be the dad that you always wanted to be."
"What if I can't?" I wasn't good at these things, I didn't know what I was doing constantly.
"I believe in you Tom, I know you can do it if you put your mind to it. I've seen you go through hell and crawl out the other side, you can do it now, I assure you." Natasha promised.