A/N: If you don't know, the latter half of South Park's 20th season was derailed quite a bit by the results of the 2016 US Presidential Election. Trey Parker and Matt Stone wrote the season under the assumption that Clinton would be elected, and when that didn't happen they couldn't resolve some of their storylines in a satisfying way—which is why, among other things, the Member Berries just sort of disappeared.

They have, however, talked a little bit in interviews about how the season would have ended if Clinton had in fact won, including what would have become of Mr. Garrison. This chapter is, in part, based on that prompt.

Also; there was a very slight continuity error in the last chapter. Pearl mentions Mike Pence being president, even though in South Park's 20th season it was Caitlyn Jenner. The episode "Doubling Down" used Mike Pence instead of her so I thought I could get away with doing the same, but apparently at some point in Dorito Elect I mentioned "Vice President Jenner". Oops?

Also, while it's nothing graphic (thus why I didn't bump the story's rating up to M), this chapter does have descriptions of implied nudity that are slightly more overt than jokes I've made in the past about it, so... be warned.

The sun rose over the quiet mountain town of South Park. Ordinarily, as one walked through the town, they could see parents getting ready for work, children getting ready for school, and animals getting ready for a day of play. Today, however, the town was a lot quieter.

Or, at least, it seemed that way to Peridot, who sat in a crowd of citizens from both South Park and Beach City, who flew out to Colorado for the occasion and were dressed rather formally. Peridot, herself, was dressed in a black jumpsuit as she stared towards the front of the crowd. Priest Maxi addressed the audience from a podium as he stood beneath a tree. Beside him was a large, commissioned painting of the late Lapis Lazuli, which sat on an easel.

"We're gathered here today to mourn the tragic and untimely passing of Lapis Lazuli," he said as he glanced down at his bible. "Although I never knew her personally, Ms. Lazuli-"

Steven looked around at the various funeral attendees as Father Maxi continued his speech. A lot of people from Beach City came out here today. Sadie, Ronaldo, the Pizzas… How well did any of them actually know Lapis, though? He glanced at Peridot, whose still face worried him. She was hiding a lot of pain right now, just as he was. He could tell from the dark circles underneath her eyes. He wondered what she was thinking…

Revenge, revenge, revenge, get Pearl, teach her a lesson, revenge, avenge Lapis, revenge, defeat the Crystal Clods, revenge revenge revenge-

"And now, to deliver a eulogy of her own, I'd like to call up Lapis Lazuli's partner… Peridot." Father Maxi stepped aside and allowed Peridot to stand at the podium. She cleared her throat.

"I… don't want to be here, right now," she said. "If left alone, Gems can live for thousands of years. Theoretically, we can live beyond the heat-death of the universe, supposing we were capable of creating a shelter which can survive the heat-death of the universe, which I promise you, I WAS working on. So, uh, forgive my bluntness… we aren't exactly as used to going to funerals as humans are."

Steven frowned. Somehow, the idea that Peridot expected Lapis to live indefinitely made all of this even more heartbreaking.

"Lapis was, in fact, thousands of years old," Peridot muttered. "Several thousand years older than I am, at any rate. And of those thousands of years, I only knew her for the last four. And of those four years, I was only her roommate for, like, a year and a half. And of that year and a half… I only knew I was in love with her for the last six months. Now that she's gone, I… I just wish we had more time.

"Lapis was killed in battle, trying to protect Kenny McCormick from a ruthless group of murderers known as the 'Crystal Gems'," Peridot continued, adopting a much darker tone. "It's because of them that we're all here today." Anger, hatred, and resentment rang loud and clear in her voice, and it appeared many of the funeral attendees shared similar sentiments. Ordinarily, Steven would have said something in the Crystal Gems' defense at this point, but, honestly, he sort of felt the same way right now. Their cold, brutal, and remorseless slaying of Lapis made them the officially designated the bad guys, in his book… he raised an eyebrow as Butters approached the podium.

"I want everyone in this audience to know… their crimes will not go unpunished." Peridot paused for a moment as people in the crowd began to murmur. "Lapis Lazuli was murdered. And I'll be damned if I'm going to sit back and watch while those Crystal Clods continue to take innocent lives. I'm making a promise, right now, to bring those war criminals to justice!" The crowd was getting restless. She was starting to strike a heavy chord with them.

Just then, Butters pulled his pants down and held a fist in the air. The crowd grew silent. Peridot, confused, slowly turned to stare at Butters.

"Butters, what are you doing?" she asked.

"Wieners out for Lapis!" Butters explained. "When someone dies, y-you're supposed to pull your wiener out to show support!"

Peridot looked down and realized that Butters did, in fact, drop his pants. She sighed and closed her eyes. "Butters, put your clothes back on," she grumbled.

"Oh, well, okay…" Butters pulled his pants back up, buckled his belt, and walked back to his seat.

"But…" Peridot continued, "...Now is not the time to discuss revenge. I don't know about you guys, but I'M here to grieve. So let me get to my next point of discussion. Lapis, apparently, made friends in South Park in the months prior to her death. So, I'm proud to announce that a memorial in her honor has been erected in a place she loved to relax: Craig's house."

Craig glared out his window. A large marble statue of Lapis Lazuli had been built in his front lawn, and it was becoming a huge eyesore. Several random citizens had stopped here throughout the morning to admire the monument. Craig wanted these people out of his yard. There was a knock on his door, and he walked over to answer it. Tweek was on the other side.

"Hey, man," Tweek greeted. "Are you ready for school?"

"Yeah, let's go." Craig grabbed Tweek's hand and they walked to South Park Elementary.

The bells rang, signaling the beginning of class. The students of Mrs. Nelson's fourth grade class took their seats and pulled out their notebooks, ready to begin. Kenny was the last one to show up. Taking his seat next to Bebe, he accidentally bumped into her.

"Hey! Watch it, asshole!" Bebe said in a hushed tone. "This pussy isn't for grabbing, okay pervert?"

"I'm not grabbing you, Jesus Christ," Kenny muttered.

"Come on, Bebe, lay off," Kyle said. "It was an accident."

"Shut up, Kyle, don't mansplain to me or I'll kick your ass!"

Ah, yes. There was still a gender war going on at the moment. That shit never got resolved. Though tensions did cool down over time, the boys and girls of South Park Elementary still resented and distrusted each other. The war with Canada only made things worse, as the influx of Canadian refugees in South Park reminded Butters of Charlotte, his Canadian ex-girlfriend who may or may not have been killed in the bombing of Toronto. As such, he revived the Weiners Out movement, which made the girls begin supporting the Me Too movement, which made the boys fear wrongful sexual assault allegations and refuse to believe any such allegations, which made the girls pissed off because Butters literally had his dick out right at that moment, he was TOTALLY sexually harassing them and nobody was taking it seriously.

The kids began to argue. Just then their teacher walked in, and they grew silent… except it wasn't Mrs. Nelson. It was somebody they hadn't seen in quite some time. With his spray tan gone and his toupee discarded, Mr. Garrison sighed and began to write on the chalkboard.

"Okay class, everyone take your seats," he said, "we have a lot to go over today. Today we're going to be going over the beginnings of the French Revolution. Does anyone have any questions before we get started?" Everyone stared silently at Mr. Garrison. Slowly, Stan raised his hands. "Yes, Stanley?"

"Aren't you supposed to be the President right now?" Stan asked.

Garrison sighed again. "Okay, does anybody ELSE have any questions? Yes, Clyde?"

"How come you aren't at the White House? Did you finish making America great again?"

Garrison looked over at Wendy. "Wendy, do you have a question?"

"Are you in hiding?"

"Where's your wig?"

"Did you build that wall yet?"

Garrison held a hand up. "Okay, okay, one at a time. Kyle?"

Kyle paused before asking his question. "What happened?" he said finally after a moment.

Mr. Garrison put a hand over his face and walked over to his desk. He took a seat and glared at the papers sitting in front of him. "My own cabinet kicked me out."

Stan realized something. "Wait, if Mr. Garrison's right here, then who's the President?"

President Pearl marched down the hall as she approached the White House press room. Now dressed in a gawdy white pantsuit that made her look like a dictator from a dystopian post-apocalyptic teen romance novel trilogy, she confidently approached the podium, where she prepared to give her first press conference as President. The second she entered the room, she was bombarded with questions.

"Ms. President! Ms. President! Will you be reorganizing the Garrison cabinet?"

"Ms. President, what does this mean for the Robert Mueller investigation?"

"Ms. President, will you be instructing the Attorney General to pursue charges against the former President?"

Pearl held a hand up. "Those are all fantastic questions. Unfortunately, none of those are questions I can actually ANSWER. The White House is committing all of its resources to wrapping up the war against Canada."

Tim Hairpiece stood up. "Ms. President, if I may? The war against Canada appears to be going nowhere, and many Americans are concerned that it could escalate into a greater conflict. What exactly is your GOAL with this war?"

Pearl paused. "Well, what was the goal of the Iraq War?"

The reporters ooh'd and aah'd at the absolute nothing answer that Pearl just gave and began taking notes. "And what do you have to say to the CRITICS of this war?" Tim asked. "How are you going to keep American citizens safe?"

"A better question is, how are American CITIZENS going to keep American citizens safe?" Pearl responded with yet another nonsensical answer that somehow managed to blow everyone's minds. She smiled. Running this country for the remainder of Mr. Garrison's term was going to be a breeze.

During recess, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sat by the roundabout, discussing recent developments. "Okay, guys," Stan said. "I think we're all in agreement when I say things have been kind of fucked up for a while now, right?"

"Yeah, this war is super not kewl," Cartman agreed. "Watching Lapis die was super fucked, bro."

"Yeah, and have you guys spoken to Peridot or Steven lately?" Kyle asked. "They're both really distant. It's like they-"

"Sshh, ssh, here comes Peridot now!" Stan said in a hushed tone as Peridot approached them. "Hey, Peridot, what's up?"

"I'm still grieving, that's what's 'up'," Peridot said glumly. "None of this feels real to me."

"Yeah, bro, totally," Cartman said. "So uh… what did you need?"

"Nothing, I guess. I'm just tired of staring at the lake all day."

"Oh. ...kewl, I guess." The boys stared at Peridot. She then just sort of… wandered away. "Dude. Fuckin' red flag right there," Cartman said once she was out of earshot. "She's gonna fuckin' snap and kill somebody, like all those lone wolf high school schoolers."

"Hey, didn't she say something about 'getting revenge' on the people who killed Lapis?" Kyle remembered her saying something like that at the funeral. "Wouldn't that include…"

"Mr. Garrison!" The boys all yelled simultaneously, as they ran back into the building. On the way, they bumped into Butters, Kenny, Tweek, and Craig.

"Oh, heya, fellas!" Butters greeted. "We were just getting ready to do our Wieners Out for Lapis March! Wanna join us?"

Stan just stared as Butters pulled his pants down. Bebe and Wendy happened to walk by right at this moment, and Wendy glared at the boys in disgust. "Ugh! Butters, put that away!"

"Make me, skank!" Butters held a fist in the air as Kenny, Tweek, and Craig also dropped their pants.

Wendy glared at Stan. "Stan, you need to put a stop to this!"

"We're kind of dealing with something more important right now," Stan responded.

"More important than THIS?! Ugh!" The girls walked away, angered.

"Wait, Wendy-! Aw, shit."

"Come ON, Stan, we have to go warn Mr. Garrison!" Kyle said as he and Cartman pulled Stan into the building.

Mr. Garrison sat in his classroom, watching CNN coverage of the first days of Pearl's presidency. She and Vice President Bismuth had, thus far, replaced Garrison's entire cabinet, sent more troops into Canada, and met with Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss how they were going to go about taking out Canadian leadership. Pearl had, apparently, ruled out using nuclear weaponry, which was good.

What wasn't good was that she was beginning to antagonize other world leaders. Today, she had phone calls with the Prime Minister of England, the President of France, and the Prime Minister of China, and all three conversations apparently went very badly.

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman ran into the room. "Mr. Garrison!" Kyle yelled. "We need to talk!"

"Uh, yeah, sure. What material are you having trouble understanding?"

"Mr. Garrison, you need to leave South Park," Stan commanded. "Like, right now!"

"Why? What's going on?" Garrison asked.

"The Crystal Gems killed Lapis Lazuli, during a mission that YOU ordered while you were President!" Kyle explained.

"Okay, but I didn't tell them to kill her."

"Do you think Peridot gives a shit about that?" Stan asked. "No, she doesn't! Peridot vowed revenge against EVERYONE involved, and that includes you!"

"She's going to fucking kill you when she finds out you're back!" Kyle said. "You have to leave. Now."

"Kids, I think Peridot is a little more reasonable than that," Garrison said, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure she knows as well as anybody that Lapis wouldn't have wanted her to resort to something as drastic as MURDER to avenge her."

Suddenly, several girls barged into the room. "Mr. Garrison, you HAVE to get Butters to stop!" Wendy said, agitated.

"Why, what's he doing?"

Butters stood at the center of the playground with his dick out, having been joined by several other boys, who all also had their dicks out. "We need to stand up and stand tall for what's right!" he shouted. "Wieners Out for Lapis Lazuli!"

"Wieners Out for Lapis Lazuli!" the other boys chanted.

Garrison stepped outside, raising an eyebrow as he heard the commotion. "Butters, what the hell are you doing?"

"Oh, heya Mr. Garrison!" Butters greeted. "We're just standing up against the establishment!"

"By pullin' your doodle out?" Garrison responded flatly.

"Well, yeah, it's like you're always sayin'!" Butters smiled but didn't pull his pants up. "The deep state is out to get us! Crooked Hillary and Crazy Joe Biden are fuckin' us, HARD, and we gotta fight back! The Crystal Gems are the deep state and they killed Lapis! So now we have our wieners out! But the GIRLS don't like that, because they SUPPORTED the Crystal Gems!"

"We aren't Crystal Gem supporters!" Wendy argued. "We think what they're doing is fucked up! But pulling your dick out isn't going to STOP them! It's just making everyone around you uncomfortable!"

Mr. Garrison was starting to get a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Butters was beginning to sound a lot like… him. "Okay kids, let's settle down…"

"And that's another thing!" Butters continued. "The world isn't your safe space, Wendy! We don't CARE if we're making you uncomfortable!"

"This isn't even about sexism anymore! You're just an idiot!" Wendy yelled back.

"Yeah, that's what a snowflake would say!"

The boys and the girls started arguing again. Kyle sighed and crossed his arms. "God damn it…"

"How long has this been going on?" Mr. Garrison asked.

"How long have you been President?" Stan replied. "It's been going on for about that long."

"Oh, jeez…"

It was just then that Navy happened to walk by. She stared at Butters. "Gee, that's an interesting place to keep your Gem," she said as continued walking.

Amethyst approached the Marsh family's guest room, where Steven was staying. She knocked on the door. "Hey, Steven? Is Peridot in there?"

Steven opened the door. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. "Uh… no. She went to Stark's Pond or something."

"How's she holding up?"

"Not good. She just walks to the lake every day and stares at it. Then she comes back here and cries herself to sleep."

"Where DOES she sleep?"

Steven pointed to Stan's bathroom, across the hall. "She sits in the bathtub and contemplates life."

"Okay, well I'm REALLY worried about her. Have you seen this?" Amethyst held up a book.

"Is this Peridot's diary?"

"Turn to the most recent entry."

Steven did just that, flipping through several pages, stopping briefly on a rather awkward entry she wrote shortly before the Beach City mayoral election where she described "falling" for him, before coming to the most recent entry.

Log Date: Six Days A.H.A. (After HeartAche)

It has been nearly one Earth week since Lapis was murdered. Although many of my friends have made sweet, if slightly fruitless attempts at consoling me and assuring me she is in a 'better place' now (where this 'better place is', they won't tell me), I'm still having trouble believing that any of this is real.

The Crystal Renegades have indefinitely put off all missions while I grieve with Steven and Amethyst. The two of them don't seem to see, however, that there's only one way to end this war and make sure that nobody else suffers the same fate Lapis did; the Crystal Clods need to be removed from power, by force if necessary.

The hammer of justice WILL be dropped on Pearl. Garnet may pose an issue later down the road, but for right now, my sights are set on Pearl and Bismuth—they're the ones spearheading the war effort.

"She's saying some really dark stuff in there," Amethyst lamented. "I think Lapis's death broke her."

"Well, I understand why," Steven said as he closed the book. "The stuff she's writing is… sort of dark, I'll admit… but I don't blame her for writing any of it. Just let her fantasize."

"You really don't think she'll try something stupid?"

"Amethyst, I'M having trouble not doing something stupid."

"And what if she tries to go after Pearl?"

Steven paused. "We're going to have to poof and bubble her and Bismuth anyway, now."

This alarmed Amethyst greatly. "You can't be serious."

"I spent a lot of time thinking about it," Steven admitted. "I don't… I don't think there's any road to recovery for them anymore. I also don't think Peridot has a single murderous bone in her body, so I think she'll be satisfied with that."

"She tried to kill you, like, seven different times three years ago. Whatever, whatever. What about the President?"

"What about him?"

Amethyst pointed to the book. "She writes about how she blames him for Lapis's death, too. HE can't be bubbled."

"Well, maybe if we got a really big bubble…"

"Steven!"

Steven held a hand up. "Alright, alright, fine, I'll talk to Peridot." He walked out of the room to go find Peridot.

Mr. Garrison nervously paced the front of the room as his class returned from recess. He sighed as he realized they were still fighting amongst themselves.

"Fuck you, Butters!" Bebe shouted. "Put your fucking dick away already!"

"Make me, bitch! Wieners out!"

"Wieners out!" the other boys chanted.

Mr. Garrison glared at Butters. "Butters, either put your penis away or go to the counselor's office." With his fist still raised high in the air, Butters marched out of the classroom and to the counselor's office, causing Mr. Garrison to sigh. "There, the problem has been removed from the classroom. Now can we PLEASE get back to our lesson?" Navy raised her hand. "Yes, Ruby?"

"What's a penis?"

Mr. Garrison blinked and stared blankly at Navy for a moment before turning around and writing on the chalkboard. "Okay, class, now I want you all to turn to page 173 in your textbooks and read the paragraph on Louis XIV—"

Steven Universe entered the room. "Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Eric, are you guys in here?"

"Oh, for God's sake," Garrison said. Having given up on teaching for the day, he sat down and put his hands over his face.

Stan got out of his seat. "What is it?"

"Have you guys seen Peridot anywhere?"

Garrison perked up. "Peridot?"

"Not since recess, why?"

Steven sighed. "Amethyst is worried that she might try and do something stupid-" he turned his head and saw Mr. Garrison sitting at his desk. "...Mr. President?"

"Oh, jeez," Garrison muttered.

"What happened to you?" Steven asked, approaching the desk. "You're… bald!"

Garrison glared at Steven. "I'm not the President anymore."

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with your hair? You're bald!"

"I'm not bald, I have a receding hairline!" Mr. Garrison defended.

"Wait a second. Focus Steven. Mr. Former President, our friend was killed during a mission that YOU authorized!"

Garrison sighed. "Steven, I specifically told them not to kill anybody, they just didn't listen to me."

"Well, you better tell Peridot that!"

"...why?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "It's like we said, dumbass, she's going to kill you when she realizes you're back in South Park."

"But I didn't do anything!"

"Mr. Garrison's gonna be killed?" Craig asked. "Dude, hardcore."

"No- no, class, don't listen to Steven, he's just being a little turd ball right now, I'm not going to die. I doubt that the idea's even crossed Peridot's mind."

A bell rang at Jimbo's Guns, which meant that a potential customer had just entered the building. Jimbo Kern glanced up and smiled. "Welcome, patriot!" he greeted as the short-statured customer approached the desk. "What brings you here today?"

Peridot stood at the counter and glanced around the room. She seemed… distant. She wasn't making eye contact with Jimbo or Ned, her head was tilted slightly downward, and her face was overall blank. Also, she wore a big trench coat that went down to her feet. "I would like to purchase a rapid-fire projectile weapon, as soon as possible," she said in a low voice.

"Well, thanks to the stupid Democrats, we can't sell you a fully-automatic assault weapon," Jimbo bemoaned.

"Oh. That is a shame."

"But, we do have a wide selection of semi-automatic assault-style sport weapons you can choose from!" he said, smiling.

"I suppose that will have to do."

"Why don't you follow me, I'll take you to my gun locker." Jimbo stepped out from behind the counter and led Peridot to his gun locker. He opened it and began showing her various pieces. Peridot would periodically grab and examine the weapons as Jimbo explained what they did.

"This here is a Smith & Wesson AR-15 Sporter, or as the NRA likes to call it, a 'Modern Sporting Rifle'. It's my most popular model!" Jimbo beamed. "This baby's been a best-seller since 2010!"

"I see. What is the magazine capacity?"

"Well, for legal reasons, I'm only allowed to sell the ten-round variant, but I'm sure you can find higher capacity cartridges online. This baby's fully modular!"

"Modular, eh?"

Jimbo nodded. "Yup! You can attach bigger cartridges, grips, bump stocks, sights, scopes, silencers, grenade launchers, anything you can think of!"

"This is useful information."

Jimbo frowned. "Say, uh… can I ask what exactly you're buying this for?"

"Revenge."

Jimbo's eyes widened. "Revenge?! Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, I can't sell this to you."

"Why not?"

Jimbo rolled his eyes. "Because, it's the WRONG MODEL! If you'd told me in the first place you wanted this gun for revenge, I would have pulled THIS baby out!" Jimbo retrieved a much bigger and much deadlier gun from the locker. "THIS is what you're looking for."

"I'll take it."

The day was coming to an end. Mr. Garrison sighed and sat down at his desk. "Okay, class, does anyone have any questions about today's lesson?" Clyde raised his hand. "Yes, Clyde?"

"How come the WOMEN were the ones in power?" Clyde asked.

Red glared at Clyde. "Shut the fuck up, Clyde, the men are in power LITERALLY everywhere else!"

Garrison watched as his students argued. "O-okay, class, settle down-"

"Clyde's right, fuck girls!" Kevin Stoley yelled. "They just want power so they can get rid of all the men!"

"That's not what any of this is about, dumbass!" Wendy argued. "Stan, tell him!"

"I- I'd rather not get involved, Wendy."

The kids began to argue, with the exception of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman, who just sat uncomfortably and silently. Garrison groaned.

"Oh, jeez…"

"Hey! Wait a second!" Token said. "Let's ask Mr. Garrison! He's been a man AND a woman! So, logically, he knows which one is better!" The entire class turned their attention to Mr. Garrison.

"...I… what?"

"Well, what is it, Mr. Garrison? Who's right?"

"Obviously, we are!"

"No, we are!"

The class started yelling again. This was too much for Mr. Garrison, who yelled and ran out of the room. Once he was outside of the school, he stopped to catch his breath. "Oh… jeez…" He sighed. "What the hell's gotten into these kids?" With a dejected frown, he began to walk home. Everything was so screwed right now, he didn't know what to do or how to do it. Really, this day couldn't get any worse.

"Garrison!" Mr. Garrison froze as he heard, several feet behind him, the familiar, whiny, nasally voice. He blinked, and though he looked reasonably freaked out, he tried to remain calm and continued walking. "I know you can hear me, Garrison!" Peridot yelled. "I have some unfinished business with you!"

Mr. Garrison turned around as Peridot approached him. "Peridot, listen-"

"No! You listen! I'm through with listening!" Peridot stood just in front of Mr. Garrison as she yelled at him. "I am sick and tired of you and your 'fuck 'em all to death' rhetoric!"

"Believe me, Peridot, I'm sick of me too-"

"You got my best friend killed!" Peridot yelled. "I LOVED her, and you killed her!"

Garrison stepped back. "Now, I- I did NOT. Okay? The Crystal Gems killed her, I had NOTHING to do with that!"

Steven, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman ran out into the street and saw Peridot confronting Mr. Garrison. "Peridot!" Steven yelled. "Oh, jeez, this isn't good!"

"You better start running, Mr. Garrison!" Cartman hollered. "Peridot's thirsty for blood!"

Garrison's eyes widened as he realized Peridot had an assault weapon strapped to her back. "Oh, shit…"

"You. Killed. Lapis."

"I didn't!"

"You didn't condemn the act, either!" Peridot argued. "Guess what, Mr. Garrison? When you're the President, people look up to YOU for guidance!"

Garrison realized something. "Yeah… yeah, they do, don't they?"

"Yes, they do! When some bad group of people does a bad thing in your name, and you refuse to say anything against it, guess what?! You're actively condoning it!" Peridot paced around angrily. "Whether it's Nazis marching in Virginia or Crystal Gems committing murder, your inaction encourages their unacceptable behavior! Your inactions have consequences, Mr. Garrison!"

For some reason, even though he'd been President for 14 months before Pearl kicked him out on his ass, and a teacher for even longer before that, this was the first time Mr. Garrison realized that, yeah, people DID look up to him. And, yeah, the things he DIDN'T do actually DID have as much impact as the stuff he did do. So maybe this whole mess with Lapis WAS his fault.

...which meant the gender war at South Park Elementary was also his fault. He sighed as it all hit him at once. "Oh, jeez…" he muttered. He looked back down at Peridot, who was still glaring up at him, weapon still strapped to her back. "Are you going to kill me?" he asked, afraid of the answer but understanding that Peridot's actions would have been totally justified in that case.

Peridot didn't answer for a tense moment. She scoffed, and rolled her eyes. "No, of course not."

Steven let out a heavy, relieved sigh as he placed his hand over his chest. "Jeez, Peridot, don't scare us like that…" he muttered.

"So, wait, then why did you buy the gun?" Kyle questioned, tilting his head.

Peridot turned around to face the boys. "I'm going to reverse engineer it, and turn it into an energy weapon that we can use against the Crystal Gems! With the right technology, I can create a plasma weapon capable of disrupting a Gem's physical form instantaneously."

Steven smiled. "Oh, like that weird club thing you used back on your ship!"

"Precisely! Once that's done, they can be mass produced and given to the rest of the Renegades. The energy will poof any gems that are hit, and shock any human soldiers enough to disorient them, giving us the upper hand in any future battles!"

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "That… that could work! Hey, yeah, she's right! If we can win battles without actually killing anybody, that'll prove we're better than the Crystal Gems are, and they'll have no choice but to end the war!"

Steven put a hand on Peridot's shoulder. "Peridot, your plan is great! We can get started on this right away!"

Mr. Garrison shrugged. "You kids do that. I have something I need to take care of…"

The next day, South Park Elementary was a madhouse. The Gender War had returned in full force. It was boys against girls—and Butters had his dick out again. The children argued and screamed at each other on the playground while PC Principal, Vice Principal Strong Woman, and Mr. Mackey watched helplessly.

"Oh, bro. Dude. Bro," PC Principal said as he watched the chaos. "Mackey, I thought you said this under control."

"M'kay, well, you see PC Principal," Mackey began to explain, "Butters is the one who keeps on pulling his puh- penis out, and I called his parents, and they grounded him, m'kay, and that's usually enough to stop him." Mackey put a tiny hand on his massive chin and raised an eyebrow. "It seems to- to have not worked this time, m'kay..."

"Fuck you, Butters!" Bebe yelled. "I bet YOU were Skankhunt42 all along!"

"See what I mean, fellas?" Butters asked his fellow boys. "They're willing to damn me for a crime I didn't even commit! Everyone knows that KYLE was Skankhunt42!"

Heidi Turner, who was nearby but not participating, raised her hand. "Actually, it was Kyle's dad."

"Shut up, Heidi, you're a traitor!" Bebe yelled.

Heidi rolled her eyes, and walked away. "Ugh."

Suddenly, Red ran forward and punched Butters in the face. This was all it took for all hell to break loose, and the kids started going at it. Punch after punch was thrown, kids were tackled, Butters probably got kicked in the nuts, everything was complete chaos.

"Alright, everyone, knock it off!" a slightly high pitched voice shouted. Everyone stopped, confused as the where the command came from. "You all are acting like a bunch of little animals, and it just isn't right!" They all realized that the noise was coming from none other than Mr. Hat, a hand puppet that sat on Mr. Garrison's hand, whose words slipped out of the corner of Garrison's mouth with ease.

"That's right, Mr. Hat," Mr. Garrison agreed. "So what are you all doing? Huh? I leave to go run for President, and suddenly you all are acting like a bunch of little shits? Huh? Is this the Fourth Grade class I left behind? I don't think so!"

"Now you all need to get back to class and stop bein' a bunch-a little turd balls!" Mr. Hat ordered. "Go on, get!"

Butters stood up. "But Mr. Hat—!"

"No 'buts', mister!" Mr. Hat cut Butters off. "I don't care who started this, I'm stopping it!"

"That's right, Mr. Hat," Garrison nodded. "What happened to you kids? I thought you all worked together to solve your problems, and now you're all against each other? I may not be your President anymore, but I am still your teacher, and as your teacher, I demand that you all at least PRETEND to like each other. Got that?"

"But—!"

"Butters, you shut the hell up!" Mr. Hat yelled.

"Now Mr. Hat, there's no need to be like that."

"Sorry, Mr. Garrison."

"I want to be very clear," Garrison said, his voice loud across the playground. "I will not tolerate any more of this asinine behavior! This country is at war, and the last thing it needs is for you to be at war with each other! You kids are the last, brightest hope for America! So get over your differences, and suck it up, or I'll see each and every last one of you in detention!"

"But Mr. Garrison, WE didn't start it!" Wendy argued.

"Do you think I give a hot delicious shit who started it?!" Garrison asked, his tone becoming much more threatening. "I nuked Canada! I'm a deranged psycho who will do literally anything to prove a point, so don't test me! Get to class!"

The children all stared at Mr. Garrison in silence. Slowly, one by one, they all reluctantly got up and walked back to class. Garrison watched with a satisfied smirk as the children walked past him. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Steven approached and watched as Mr. Garrison admired his crowd control abilities.

"Dude. Mr. Garrison. That kicked ass," Stan complimented.

"Yeah, I think I've learned that being a brash asshole doesn't work in the White House," Garrison said. "It only works when you're a teacher."

"That's right, Mr. Garrison!" Mr. Hat replied.

Steven frowned. "O-okay, you can stop using the puppet now, it's freaking me out."

Mr. Garrison frowned as well. "What? That wasn't me."

Steven stared at Mr. Hat. There was something… intimidating about the hand puppet. He laughed nervously. "Haha… good one, Mr. Garrison… you really got me…" Steven grabbed his elbow and slowly backed away, as did Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.

Mr. Garrison shrugged and tossed Mr. Hat off of his hand. Turning his head, he noticed Peridot approaching him. "Thank you, Peridot," he said. "I don't think I'd have been able to do that if you hadn't talked some sense into me."

Peridot glared at her own feet. "Let me get one thing straight, Garrison," she growled. "I will NEVER forgive you for what happened to Lapis. Nothing that you or the Crystal Gems can do will fix the damage that has been done in that regard."

Mr. Garrison sighed. "I understand." Peridot began to walk away, but a thought crossed Mr. Garrison's mind. "...Peridot?"

Peridot stopped, but didn't turn around. "What?"

"What do you plan to do with the Crystal Gems?" he asked. "Once you see them again, I mean."

Peridot didn't answer for a moment. Finally, she sighed and said. "I want to kill them."

"Oh."

"But… I don't know if I have it in me to go through with it."

"Oh?"

Peridot turned around. To Mr. Garrison's surprise, she had tears in her eye. "Despite the evil things they've done… Garnet and Pearl were still my friends. I'm not sure if I could ever bring myself to… to kill them." She paused for another moment. Her eyes scanned the playground. "I… I don't know what I'll do. If I kill them… am I really any better than them?"

"You would certainly be justified," Garrison commented. "When I was President, I learned that sometimes you have to do bad things, and there's just... nothing you can do to get around it. There's no such thing as a 'good war', Peridot. There is no more black and white morality. Everything's a huge gray area. So, if you decided to kill them... I doubt anyone would blame you if you made that call."

"I would blame me." Peridot turned back around. "The question is, would the guilt stop me from doing it?" She started to walk away. "I guess we'll find out soon enough, won't we?"

Garrison watched as Peridot left. "Sheesh, that was edgy," he muttered.

A/N: Really excited for the next chapter. The working title right now is "Lion 5: The Pre-Sequel". Don't miss it—it's gonna be a big one.