The Second Canadian-American War was coming to a head. President Pearl, leading the entirety of the armed forces of the United States of America, was on the verge of discovering where the the leaders of the Canadian government were hiding. Once they were out of power, this war would finally be over.

And yet, her cowardice prevented her from being there, on the front lines, for she was afraid that she would again be forced to face the Crystal Renegades, the founding members of which were her friends. She didn't want any of them getting hurt.

Steven Universe, meanwhile, wasn't sure if he wanted to face Pearl either. First, he needed answers about his mother, who she really was, and why this war had to happen in the first place.

Plus; will Peridot ever recover from Lapis's death? Will she do as she promised, and kill Pearl? Will Heidi Turner go back to Eric Cartman? Who is Andy DeMayo really? Is he actually Carl, the neighbor from Aqua Teen Hunger Force? Who is behind the mysterious doomsday prophecy? Will I ever finish Crystal Rick and Looking Forward to the Future? More importantly, will I be able to wrap up all of these plot threads adequately with no loose ends?

All of these questions, and more…

...will NOT be answered tonight, so that we can bring you an all new Terrance & Phillip adventure!

A/N: April Fools! ...is on the second now, NOT the first!

Heaven was a mess. The angels of Heaven flew around in a panic, as the war on Earth was beginning to reach near-apocalyptic levels, which meant they had to prepare a Rapture at some point or else the big man upstairs would get all pissed off. Also, a high-profile prisoner had just escaped.

Saddam Hussein, former President of Iraq ("or Iran", as he would say, "what's the difference?") had been caught in Hell planning to take control of Earth during a supposedly prophesied civil war. As such, he was imprisoned in Heaven, which he hated, as only Mormons and those few personally chosen by God get into Heaven. His accommodations in Heaven were actually quite nice, but he hated it anyway, because the Mormons were waaaaay too nice.

This is the "why" of his escape. The "how" is actually quite boring. He simply… walked out. The Gates of Heaven were good at keeping people out, but not so good at keeping people in, it seemed.

Meanwhile, in the magical land of Canada, things were not well. The war with the United States decreased Canadian quality of life by quite a bit. The average life expectancy of a Canadian man dropped to just 142 years on average, and the unemployment rate rose to over 3%, the highest it's been since the Cola Wars. Several Canadian cities had been invaded and occupied by Americans, and many others had been carpet bombed to hell.

Despite this, Scott the Dick still found time to try and frame Terrance and Phillip for crimes. Scott paced the courtroom as he addressed the jury. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Terrance and Phillip are clearly guilty of treason! Let's go over the facts, shall we?" Scott began listing the 'facts' on his fingers. "Number one: Terrance and Phillip sent me an email last week which read 'we are going to commit treason'."

Terrance stood up. "Your Honor, I would like for this case to be thrown out."

"On what grounds, buddy?" the judge asked.

"Scott's a dick, and his mother didn't love him!" Phillip accused.

"That's very compelling. Scott, your counterpoint?"

Scott the Dick glared at Terrance and Phillip. "Hey! I am not a dick!" Terrance suddenly jumped up into the air and farted in Scott's face.

The judge hummed. "Hmm… Terrance and Phillip bring up a good point. Case dismissed!" He banged his gavel on the stand.

Terrance and Phillip exited the courthouse. Both had been evacuated to Montreal when the war began; the Americans had not yet invaded Quebec, as the French sent troops to ensure that their lucrative winery business in Canada stayed intact. As such, life in Montreal was relatively normal.

Scott the Dick approached Terrance and Phillip. "You two may have gotten away this time, but mark my words, you two will rue the day you were—" He recoiled as Phillip farted some more in his face. "Hey! Farts are not funny!" Scott marched away angrily.

Terrance sighed. "How come, every week, Scott tries to frame us for treason?"

"Maybe he's just jealous because he didn't get to have you!" Phillip suggested.

"...what?"

Phillip farted in Terrance's face, and they both erupted into laughter. "Gee Phillip, it sure is a good thing we regained our youth with all of that Botox and plastic surgery! I don't know how we would have survived the war otherwise!"

Suddenly, Terrance and Phillip's wives, the Queef Sisters, approached. "Terrance, Phillip!" Katie Queef said urgently. "Something terrible has happened!" Terrance farted in his wife's face, and they both laughed hysterically. "Okay, but no, seriously, we're all in grave danger!"

"What happened?" Phillip asked.

"The Minister of Montreal has been deposed!" Katherine exclaimed. "ISIS is attacking!"

"ISIS?!" Terrance exclaimed. Phillip farted, sending the quartet into hysterical laughter. "But wait, I thought ISIS was gone for good!"

"The war between the United States and Canada diverted attention away from Syria!" Katie explained. "Now ISIS has taken over Europe, and they've invaded Quebec!"

"Wow, that was fast," Phillip muttered. "That sounds unrealist-" Katherine queefed in Phillip's face, sending everyone into laughter again.

"Hey!" Scott the Dick yelled as he approached them. "You can't do that! Babies come from there!"

"Eat a dick, Scott!" Terrance yelled.

"Yeah, eat yourself!" Phillip added.

"Hey! I am not a dick, and I will not eat one!" Scott marched away.

"We have to run away, quickly!" Katie Queef said. "I heard there's a town in America that hides Canadian refugees—"

Several ISIS insurgents surrounded them. "Hey! Why aren't you two wearing your veils, buddy?"

"Oh no! We've been captured!" The Queef Sisters screamed as they were dragged away by the terrorists.

"Jesus Christ!" Phillip yelled. "We need to rescue them!" Terrance farted in his face, and they both erupted into laughter.

"Gee, Phillip, I wonder who let ISIS into Canada?" Terrance pondered.

Saddam Hussein marched through the halls of the Palace of Montreal, which is a real building and totally not a place I made up just now. "Hey, this place is pretty nice!" he complimented. "Yeah, this'll make for a great place to rule the galaxy from!"

"The galaxy?" an ISIS escort asked.

"Yeah! Canada is just the beginning! Soon, I'll have the whole galaxy!"

"...how?"

"Hey, relax, guy! Don't worry about it!" Saddam sat in the Minister of Montreal's throne. "Just let me do all of the planning, handsome! With the Americans and Canadians at war, I'm free to take what I please!"

Katie and Katherine Queef were escorted into the room. "We found these infidels without their veils, buddy!" the insurgent who escorted them said. "What would you like us to do with them?"

Saddam shrugged. "Throw them in jail, I guess."

An ISIS aide tapped Saddam's shoulder. "Why don't we make an example of them, by filming a decapitation and sending the video to American media outlets?"

Saddam was caught slightly off-guard by the suggestion. "Jesus, you guys are sick fucks! You know, back in the 90s, we just stoned people to death! Cutting their heads off? That's just wrong."

"The Taliban doesn't have any power in Iraq anymore, Saddam," somebody said from the shadows. The leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who we're just going to call "Abu" because holy fuck that name is hard to spell, stepped into the light. "Don't get too excited, Saddam. We're allowing you to lead the Montreal Mission, but the galaxy is not yours to take. We will install the Galactic Caliphate ourselves."

"Yeah, that's what you think," Saddam muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, relax, buddy, don't worry about it!"

"You'd better watch your step, Saddam," Abu warned. "We're doing things MY way now." Abu left. "Prepare the beheading," he said to the two insurgents as he walked out.

"...stupid asshole," Saddam muttered, although his perpetual smug grin remained.

Terrance and Phillip stood outside the Palace of Montreal, which was guarded by several armed ISIS soldiers. "Okay, Phillip, what's the plan?" Terrance whispered. In response, Phillip farted, causing them both to snicker in near silence.

"I don't know if we can get past all of these armed guards!" Phillip said after they'd finished laughing. "We may need to plan this a little better."

"Hey, buddies, what's going on?" a man with a bag over his head said as he approached Terrance and Phillip. Terrance sighed.

"Oh. Hello, Bob," he muttered.

This was Ugly Bob. His face was so ugly, the sight of it could turn mortals and immortals alike into stone. To protect others, such as his wife, Celine Dion, and his step-daughter, Sally, he wore a bag over his head. "What are you all doing?" Ugly Bob asked.

"We're trying to save our wives from ISIS," Phillip responded. "Can't you go be ugly somewhere else?"

"Aw, don't be like that, guy. Maybe I can help."

"You can't even help being ugly!" Terrance accused. "What makes you think you could help us take down ISIS?" Phillip farted, and Terrance turned to stare at him. "You fah-ted!" Terrance exclaimed. Instead of laughing, the two Canadians stared at each other silently for several seconds.

Finally they turned back to Ugly Bob. "Anyway, you're too ugly to help us!" finished Terrance.

"Yeah! Go away!" said Phillip.

"What if I told you I knew somebody who could help you take down ISIS?" Ugly Bob asked. "Somebody who is an experienced warrior?"

"I'd call you a butt-fucking-liar," Terrance answered.

"Follow me!" Ugly Bob began to walk away. Shrugging, Terrance and Phillip decided they had nothing better to do and followed him. Ugly Bob led them outside of Montreal, into the dangerous forests of Quebec. "This way," he said, taking point.

"Aren't there Dire Bears in these woods?" Phillip asked. "You know what a Dire Bear is, right?"

"Of course I do, friend," Ugly Bob answered. "They're like bears… only dire."

As if on cue, the trio was attacked by a Dire Bear. It stood up on its hind legs as it prepared to attack. "Jesus!" Phillip yelled. "Run!" The group ran as they were chased by the Dire Bear, with the woods getting thicker and thicker around them. Eventually, there came a point where the trees were so dense, they couldn't move forward. Terrance, Phillip, and Ugly Bob turned around as the Dire Bear closed in on them.

"Well, old friend, it looks like this is the end!" Phillip exclaimed. "Any last words before we're brutally mauled?" Terrance farted, sending both Terrance and Phillip into hysterical laughter.

Suddenly, before the Dire Bear could go for the kill, it was grabbed from behind. Its beady eyes widened as whoever grabbed it swung it around, faster and faster. They let go, sending it flying into the sky.

Terrance, Phillip, and Ugly Bob stared up at the sky. "What the hell was that?" Terrance asked.

"I'm glad you could make it," Ugly Bob commented. "Garnet. We need your help."

Garnet, the woman who saved Terrance and Phillip, simply stared at Ugly Bob, turned, and left.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"Who the hell is this?" Phillip asked.

"This is Garnet," Ugly Bob explained. "She's an outcast, like me. We've been surviving in the woods together."

Suddenly, Garnet began to glow, and two smaller people took her place. "We said we wouldn't do that again…" the blue one muttered.

"And that's Ruby and Sapphire," Ugly Bob continued explaining. "They're Garnet's components."

"This doesn't make any sense!" Terrance exclaimed.

"Hold on, Terrance," Phillip placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I think I've figured everything out."

"Really? Then explain it to me."

After a beat of silence, Phillip farted in his friend's face, and both began to laugh. Ugly Bob followed Ruby and Sapphire. "Ruby, Sapphire, wait up, friends!" He leaned over to Terrance and Phillip, who were also following. "They're getting a divorce. It's quite tragic, really."

"It's for the best," Sapphire commented. "Together, we enabled a terrible, terrible monster."

"And now one of our friends is dead because of it!" Ruby exclaimed. "God, I'm so mad, right now!"

"You're mad? It was your irrational thinking that led to this."

"Yeah, well, YOU should have seen it coming!"

"I should have seen that you would act irrationally, yes, that is correct."

"I'm sorry, are we interrupting something?" Terrance asked.

"Yes," Ruby and Sapphire responded in unison, before continuing to walk away.

"Listen, we need your help!" Ugly Bob pleaded. "ISIS has used the war to take over Quebec, and Terrance and Phillips wives have been kidnapped."

"Oh, great. That makes four Internet ships this war has destroyed," Sapphire said flatly. "Lapidot, Garnet, now Terrance, Phillip, and their wives. We sure are good at this." She paused. "And before you ask how I know your names, don't worry about it. I just do."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Terrance asked. Phillip farted, causing them both to laugh.

"You don't want our help," Ruby said, turning away from the flatulent duo. "We're the reason you're in this mess."

"While we were together, we were partially responsible for the war that plagues this nation now," Sapphire explained. "It was a rather shortsighted decision, in hindsight."

"Wow. You're a dick!" Phillip accused.

"Quite."

It was at the point that Terrance, Phillip, and Ugly Bob realized that about half of the forest was beginning to freeze over. The other half of the forest was on fire. "Um…" Ugly Bob began to hum, partly out of confusion, and partly out of fear. "Well, regardless, you owe us, buddy. You know. For starting the war and everything."

"I believe we just saved your lives," Sapphire pointed out. "That more than repays our debt."

"There you go again, thinking in absolutes and false equivalences!" Ruby criticized. "Gah, you're so frustrating sometimes!"

"Wrong. A false equivalence would have been if I'd justified my unwillingness to help by pointing out that the Canadians were complicit in the Rwandan Genocide. Which they were."

Terrance and Phillip inched closer to the center of the group as they noticed that the forest was getting simultaneously hotter and colder. "Okay, that's great, can we go now?" Terrance asked.

"You need to stop THINKING with your big, stupid brain, and start ACTING with your HEART!" Ruby pleaded.

"Acting with our heart is what caused us to start the war in the first place."

"That wasn't US! That was PEARL! SHE'S the one who started everything, it's all HER fault!"

"And why didn't we do anything to stop her?"

"I…" Ruby trailed off. "Because, we… they… they hurt Steven. Sometimes it's… it's hard to think clearly when someone you love is in danger."

Ruby and Sapphire stood together in silence as the forest around them simultaneously burned and froze.

"I think we BOTH acted irrationally," Sapphire admitted. "What we did was a two-gem job. We're both to blame."

"Yeah, I… I guess we are," sighed Ruby. She looked so ashamed. Sapphire was also ashamed, but because her hair covered that big gross cyclops eye, you wouldn't have been able to tell. "...but… doesn't that also mean we can both fix it?"

Sapphire moved in closer. "Yes… yes it does…" The two Gems began to embrace. Their lips pressed together as they began to glow. Suddenly, Garnet took their place, looking far more confident now than she did a few moments ago.

"Together," she finished, smiling.

Terrance, Phillip, and Ugly Bob stared up at Garnet, confused. The forest had stopped burning and freezing. "What the fuck was that?!" Terrance exclaimed. Phillip farted.

"Come on," Garnet said, taking off. "We have to rescue your wives!"

Saddam Hussein examined a blueprint he'd found of a rocket capable of traversing the galaxy. "Hmm, yes!" he said gleefully. "This will do just fine!"

"It certainly will!" Abu said, appearing suddenly and snatching the blueprint out of Saddam's hands. "What did I tell you, Saddam?"

"Hey, relax, guy! I was just doing a bit of personal study!"

Two ISIS insurgents entered the room. "Sir! The palace has been invaded!"

"What?! By who?!" Abu asked.

Terrance, Phillip, Ugly Bob, and Garnet ran through the palace's lower corridors. They came across the room where the beheading of the Queef Sisters was to take place. The sisters were being held by a big, buff guy, while a British guy stood next to them with a big cleaver. A third guy was filming it with a camera.

"Get your hands off of our wives, you penises!" Terrance yelled.

"Oh, shit!" the man with the cleaver exclaimed. "How the fuck did you get in here?!"

Saddam and Abu arrived with several armed guards. "Hey, buddy, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Saddam yelled. "Fucking kill them!"

The guards opened fire. Garnet blocked several bullets with her gauntlet-covered hands, like Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back, or like Wonder Woman in the only good DC Extended Universe movie thus far. "Is that all you got?" she taunted with a cocky grin. One guard tossed a grenade, and Garnet frowned. Thinking quickly, she unfused; Ruby grabbed Terrance and Phillip, and Sapphire grabbed Ugly Bob, and they jumped away from the explosion.

The Queef Sisters used this distraction to queef in their captors' faces, and they ran, rejoining Terrance, Phillip, and Ruby. They were cornered now, however, with no way out. "Aw, shit!" Terrance said. "Looks like we're pretty fucked!" Phillip farted, causing them both to erupt into laughter. It also gave Ruby an idea.

"Terrance, Phillip," Ruby began, "I need you to fart on my head."

The Canadian comedy duo blinked. "What?" Terrance asked.

"There's no time to explain. Fart on me."

"Is this a sexual thing?"

"Just fart on me!"

"I don't know. What do you think, Phillip?"

Phillip shook his head. "Such childishness is beneath us!"

"FART ON MY FACE RIGHT NOW!" Ruby yelled, now enraged. Her hair suddenly caught fire as she shouted this, and Terrance and Phillip both jumped up and farted on her. The trail of methane caused the flame to expand, and it shot towards the ISIS soldiers.

"Aw, shit," Abu muttered as he and his gang were instantly immolated and reduced to ash. Only Saddam Hussein was left standing.

"Holy shit, you guys weren't fucking around!" he exclaimed.

"Did you mean to completely incinerate them?" Sapphire asked, turning her head towards Ruby.

Ruby looked a little worried. "Uh. No."

"Ah, who cares, it was ISIS!" Phillip waved it off. "What matters is that we saved our wives!"

"Yeah, but… like… those guys are DEAD." Ruby said, still staring at the piles of ash in front of her.

"It was ISIS!"

"Yeah, but-"

"ISIS!"

"Hey, wait, where did Saddam Hussein go?" Ugly Bob asked. The former dictator was gone. Suddenly, the room began to shake.

"What the fuck's going on now?!" Terrance exclaimed.

The group exited the palace and stared into the sky just in time to watch as Saddam Hussein rode a huge rocket into the Earth's upper atmosphere.

"So long, suckers!" Saddam yelled. "I'll see you all in Hell, probably!" The rocket shot into space, never to be seen again.

"He got away!" Ugly Bob exclaimed. "Shit."

"Don't worry," Garnet reassured them, having re-fused. She adjusted her visor. "He won't get far."

"...it looks like he's getting pretty far to me," Terrance said. Phillip farted, causing them both, as well as their wives, to erupt into laughter. Ugly Bob sighed.

"Well, I suppose it's back to the forest for Ugly Bob," he lamented. As he walked away, Garnet placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Beauty is subjective," she said. "You should go where you're happiest, Handsome Bob."

Suddenly, several American planes flew over Montreal. "Oh, what now?" Terrance asked. Scott the Dick walked past.

"The French and the English just declared war on the United States!" he exclaimed. "It's World War fucking III, now, nowhere in Canada is safe!"

Garnet frowned. This needed to stop, now. "You all need to get to safety. If you head further into the countryside, you should be safe." She turned around and started walking away.

"Where the hell are you going?" Scott asked.

"I'm going to go put a stop to this, before it's too late." Garnet turned slightly. "I'm not going to let another coffin rest on my conscience." Suddenly, she began to sprint south, towards the US-Canadian border, and in the blink of an eye, she was gone.

Air raid sirens began to wail throughout Montreal. "ATTENTION! ATTENTION! Buddies, guys, and friends, evacuate IMMEDIATELY. This is not a drill—Quebec is being invaded. Please move to the previously discussed evacuation routes and get to shelter!"

"Well, this sucks," Terrance groaned. "And worst of all, Saddam Hussein STILL got away."

"I wonder where he is now," Ugly Bob pondered.

Yellow Diamond sat on her throne and managed colonies with her iPhone-like device. But it wasn't an iPhone, because that would have been ridiculous. And she definitely wasn't playing The Simpsons: Tapped Out or anything like that. Nope. She was not procrastinating. Not at all. Suddenly, two Quartz soldiers ran into the room.

"My Diamond!" one of them said, saluting. "The capitol has been invaded!"

Yellow Diamond's eyes widened, and she glared at the Quartzes. "What?! How did they get past your guards?"

"He just kind of…. walked in."

"Excuse me?"

Suddenly, Saddam Hussein waltzed into the room, carrying a suitcase in each hand. "Hey, this place is pretty nice!" he said with a cocky grin. "I think I'll stay a while!"

A/N: Try not to take this one too seriously… obviously.