Mr. Garrison wrote the day's lesson plan on the chalkboard. "Alright, class, today we're going to begin talking a little bit about the War of 1812. Now can anybody tell me what two major European powers were constantly at war, as we discussed last time?"
Stan raised his hand. "You told us it was 'those limey island bastards' and 'the pussies with the wine'."
"That's right, Stanley, at this time, the British and the French were almost constantly at war. Now, the United States, at the time a very young nation, participated in quite a bit of overseas trade with-"
Suddenly, Steven barged into the room. Connie was right behind him. "Hey guys, Crystal Renegades emergency team meeting in five. Meet me at the South Park Community Center," he said.
Garrison glared at Steven. "Who keeps letting you in? Oh, and I see your friend has a sword, oh, that sure is safe, oh, good to know this school has such amazing security. Oh, and it looks like you brought a live lion with you, too, oh, good to know you're so frickin' good with animals! Oh, this country's future is in such great hands!"
Steven blinked and stared blankly at Mr. Garrison. "Uh, do you mind if I borrow some of your students?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, Steven, yes, I do. Can it wait?"
"...I guess…" Steven looked over at the kids. "Uh, important meeting… whenever you get out of school." He, Connie, and Lion left, although he was a little annoyed because, truth be told, nobody had ever told him "no" before when he was dealing with something like this. It was new and he didn't like it.
Garrison smiled and returned to teaching. "Alright, class, now who can tell me what a 'tariff' is?"
Steven, Connie, Peridot, and Amethyst waited for hours. Steven had his arms crossed. "...I can't believe he told me 'no'..." he muttered.
"Where is everyone?" Granite asked as she paced the room.
"They're in school!" Steven exclaimed, still super annoyed. "This is, like, really important, and they're in school!"
"Shouldn't WE be in school?" Connie pondered. "Oh, man, I'm probably so behind by now…"
Suddenly, most of South Park Elementary's students began pouring into the community center. "Finally!" Steven groaned. "Do you guys know how much it sucks to WAIT?"
"What's this all about?" Stan asked.
"Yeah, Mr. Garrison gave us all a bunch of homework," Clyde said. "This better be important."
"It is!" Steven assured. "Peridot?"
Peridot nodded. "Ahem. Recently, it's come to my attention that we are severely under-equipped to fight the Crystal Gems, and we've already suffered one heavy casualty because of it." She paused for a moment as she tried to push that thought out of her mind. "Uh… Anyway… while it would be best if it didn't come to that again, realistically speaking we're going to come to blows again. But it's not just them. Pearl is the President now. They have the United States military behind them. As well as the Secret Service, the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the Kremlin…"
"They don't have the FBI on their side anymore," Clyde pointed out, not looking up from his phone. "The FBI just raided the Crystal Gems' temple."
Steven raised an eyebrow. "They did?"
"Yeah, your dad's in jail now. Check it out, the President's talking about it at a meeting with her generals right now."
Clyde handed Steven his phone, which was playing a CNN broadcast.
"So I just heard that they broke into our temple in Beach City," Pearl said as press cameras around her flashed. She looked horrible. This was not the Pearl that Steven knew. Her eyes were sunken in, her hair was a mess, she looked so… tired. The presidency was taking a toll on her. "And, uh… it's a disgraceful situation, it's a total witch hunt, I've been saying it since I became President… here we are, talking about Canada, we're talking about very serious things with the greatest fighting force ever, and I have this witch hunt constantly going on, for… for a long time, now, you could say it was even before I got involved in politics it started. And it's a disgrace, it's frankly a real disgrace, it's an attack on our country in a true sense, it's an attack on what we all stand for… So, when I saw this, and when I heard it, I heard it like you did, I said, 'that is really now on a whole new level of unfairness'. This is the most conflicted group of people I've ever seen. The attorney general made a terrible mistake when he recused himself."
A reporter raised his hand. "Ms. President, why don't you just fire Bob Mueller?"
Pearl crossed her arms and leaned back in her seat. "Why don't I just fire Mueller?" They were, of course, referring to the Special Counsel investigator at the FBI who'd been investigating the Crystal Gems' activities since Peridot's stint as Mayor last year.
"Yeah, just fire the guy."
"Well, I think it's a disgrace what's going on, we'll see what happens, but I think it's REALLY a sad situation when you look at what happened, and many people have said, 'you should fire him', so, we'll see… I'm here to talk about Canada. This is a pure and simple witch hunt. Thank you." The members of the press began shouting out their questions at Pearl as everyone was ushered out. "Thank you," Pearl repeated.
"Will Rod Rosenstein keep his job?" a reporter asked as she was being shoved out.
Pearl glared and learned forward. "Thank you all very much!" she said, still trying to get people out of her office. "Thank you! Thank you all, please, get out."
The broadcast ended here. Steven looked so upset. "What… happened to Pearl? She's like a totally different person, now!"
"I'll tell you what happened," Peridot said, glaring at the image on the phone. "She's cracked under the pressure. She knows that she's beyond the moral event horizon and she's completely given up on doing the right thing."
Peridot pointed to Bismuth, who was sitting next to Pearl. "And SHE'S definitely not helping. They both need to be taken out if we're to end this war. But, like I said, they have MOST of the government on their side. Excluding the Federal Bureau of Investigation."
"How can we possibly hope to fight that?" Wendy asked. "Even IF we could arm all of the Renegades, which is ethically unsound as it is, the only way to stop them would be to kill them, which is also wrong."
"Which is why I've developed this!" Peridot beamed, holding up the AR-15 she'd purchased two weeks ago.
"Cool, you bought a gun. That's going to stop them," Craig said flatly.
"This is no ordinary assault weapon!" Peridot explained. It was at this point that the children noticed that the gun had been heavily modified. Parts of it… glowed, now. "Over the last week, I have been examining the internals of this device and making the appropriate modifications for what we need to do. With a little help from some Homeworld technology, which I managed to procure from a couple of defectors in orbit, I believe I am on the verge of constructing a homemade light disruptor! Observe!"
Peridot nodded to Amethyst, who groaned and stood on a pedestal. "Amethyst has volunteered to be my demonstration! Hold still, please."
"Can we just get this over with?"
"Watch, as I non-lethally incapacitate Amethyst in a matter of seconds!" Peridot took aim, and pulled the trigger. A burst of green light shot forth from the weapon and hit Amethyst, who became covered in green spots and poofed, leaving only her gem behind. "Behold! Amethyst has been defeated, and yet, as you'll notice, her Gemstone is entirely unharmed!"
The kids stared at Amethyst's Gem as it lay on the floor. "Does… does that hurt?" Stan asked.
"Oh, it's excruciating!" Peridot replied gleefully. "BUT! It is not lethal! Amethyst is going to regenerate in a few hours, good as new."
"And what happens if you use it on a human?" Wendy asked.
Peridot smirked, and looked over at Kenny. "Oh, Kenny? Would you please step over here?"
Kenny's eyes widened. "Me?"
"Yes, you," Peridot nodded. Truthfully, the device hadn't been tested on a human, yet. Therefore, Peridot wanted to test it on someone who could recover on the off chance that the effects it had on people were lethal.
Also, Lapis died protecting Kenny, so this was, like, an outlet for a lot of the anger Peridot had been bottling up.
Sighing, Kenny stepped onto the pedestal, kicking Amethyst across the floor as he did so.
"Hey!" Steven scolded, glaring and picking the Gem up. "Be careful!"
"Watch and learn!" Peridot said. She demonstrated the device again, this time aiming it at Kenny. When it hit him, his eyes widened, and he felt a single shock go through his entire body. It… actually wasn't that painful. His whole body tingled. Regardless, he was still paralyzed, and fell over. The kids all stared at his unmoving body for several seconds.
"Oh my god!" Stan yelled. "She killed-"
Kenny groaned, and rolled onto his side. "I'm fine, I'm fine…" he muttered.
"Oh, never mind."
Peridot grinned. Her device was a success! "And there you have it, folks! A projectile device capable of temporarily incapacitating Gems and humans without doing them any permanent harm! I'm going to call that a RESOUNDING success! Now that I have the formula perfected, I just need to get the device to fit into a smaller form factor and create copies."
The kids stared at her. "So you don't have guns for us right now?" Cartman asked.
"Well, no, but-"
"Awwwww!" the kids all groaned in disappointment and started to walk away en masse. On his way out, Steven stopped Stan.
"Hey, Stan, can I ask you something?" he said.
"Uh, yeah, sure, what is it?"
"Does your dad ever talk about… back then?" Steven asked. "You know… with my mom?"
Stan shook his head. "No. He doesn't. Ever since the war started it's like he's… been trying to pretend that part of his life never happened. Why?"
Steven sighed. "Something went down between my mom and Canada, years ago, but nobody will tell me anything. Not even the Canadian Gems will tell me. Normally, I can trust Lion to help me out, but he's…" Steven looked over at his pet Lion, who was curled up in the corner of the room sleeping. "...not being helpful."
Stan put his hand on his chin. "I wonder what happened…"
Suddenly, one of Lion's ears perked up. He stretched, and yawned, before walking over to Stan and Steven and grabbing both of them in his mouth. "Uh? Lion?" Steven said nervously.
"What the hell is he doing?"
"I have no idea."
Lion dragged Steven and Stan all the way to Main Street before dropping them, yawning, and lying back down. "Lion!" Steven scolded. "What was that for?"
"Why did he take us here?" Stan asked. Steven looked up at the sign above them.
Freeman's Tacos.
"Huh… maybe there's something in here that'll help us?" Steven said. "Lion works in mysterious ways, sometimes. And sometimes, he doesn't think about the things he does… at ALL! Sometimes he'll only respond if you have food, and sometimes he poops on the floor just because he knows it'll make you angry. He's like a house cat, only… bigger. Do you think bears are the same way, except with dogs?"
Stan stared at Steven in total silence, with a blank expression on his face for several seconds. Finally, he shook his head and said, "Let's head inside."
The two boys entered Freeman's Tacos, where Steven was immediately caught off-guard by the fact that Morgan Freeman was standing behind the counter. "Morgan Freeman?"
"Welcome to Freeman's Tacos," Morgan Freeman greeted, his voice as golden and silky as always. "Would you like to try a sample of our new Spicy Quesarito?"
"What are you doing here?" Steven asked, approaching the counter. "Aren't you, like, in movies right now?"
"As the sole proprietor of Freeman's Tacos, I am obliged to serve delicious Mexican cuisine to the people of South Park."
Steven blinked, and tilted his head in confusion. "But… why did you open a Mexican restaurant in the first place? You're not even Mexican."
PC Principal, who was sitting nearby, looked up from his meal and glared at Steven. "Did I just hear a micro aggression?"
Steven raised his eyebrows as PC Principal walked over to him. "What? No, I-"
"Are you implying that because Mr. Freeman here is of African American descent, and not Mexican, he would be better off opening a soul food establishment, or perhaps a KFC?"
This went to a really weird place fast. Steven held his hands up. "Whoa, no, I didn't say that!"
"You certainly implied it."
"I-I'm not a racist, I promise!"
"Leave him alone, PC Principal," Freeman said. "He doesn't think about his words, sometimes, he doesn't know how racist he can be."
"I'm not racist!"
"Well, alright," PC Principal agreed. "Just remember, Universe; your words carry meaning. Try be a little more sensitive next time. Unabashed racism has no place in South Park."
Steven, having given up, just stared at his feet. "Sorry."
"Hey, look!" Stan said, turning his head. "It's the New Kid!"
The New Kid was sitting nearby with his parents, eating what appeared to be an enchirito. "Who's the New Kid?" Steven asked.
"He just moved to South Park last year," Stan explained. "He helped us save the town from aliens, Nazi Zombies, Mitch Conner, and Shub Niggurath."
"He also has incredible control over his sphincter," Morgan Freeman continued Stan's thought.
"What does that mean?" Steven asked.
"It means he can control time with his asshole," Stan answered.
"...come again?"
"It sounds crazy, I know, but I saw it myself. He has some kind of… magical fart superpower."
Steven thought about it for a moment. "...he can control time…" An idea popped into his head. "Like… time travel?"
"Yeah, something like that."
"And this is all real. Not a game?"
"Totally real."
Steven looked back over at the New Kid. "Stan… we might be able to figure out what my mom did to Canada after all!"
Stan shook his head. "He can only go into his own past, or the pasts of people around him."
Steven lifted his shirt, revealing his Gem. "I am my mom."
Stan didn't quite know what Steven meant by that. "You mean you share a lot of her values?"
"No. I mean I am my mom."
"Like… you resemble her, or…?"
"I literally am my own mother."
Stan blinked. "I don't think that's going to work."
Steven pointed out the window at Lion. "Lion took us here against our will! That means he wants us to be here, which means the New Kid can take me into my mom's past!"
"Or he just wants you to buy him a chicken chalupa!"
"Maybe it's both! We won't know unless we try!"
Stan looked over Steven's shoulder and stared at the New Kid, who had finally noticed the argument. He sighed. "Alright, fine. We can try."
"You boys be careful," Morgan Freeman cautioned. "The New Kid's Time Gland is still recovering from the 'Fractured But Whole' incident."
Stan and Steven approached the New Kid. "Hey, New Kid, we need your help," Stan said. "I won't waste your time; we need to go back in time. Can you do that for us?"
The New Kid's dad raised an eyebrow. "Are these your friends, son?"
The New Kid, a voluntary mute, nodded, and silently stood up out of his chair. He motioned for Stan and Steven to follow him, which they did, until they were once again standing in front of Freeman's Tacos. Lion perked up and stared curiously at the New Kid, who seemed unfazed by the actual lion that was examining him.
Morgan Freeman stepped outside. "I'd best come with you. Time travelling this far into the past carries a great deal of risk."
Steven nodded. "Just like in Back to the Future… we can't do anything to change the past, or else we'll create a paradox, right?"
"Something like that."
Steven looked over at the New Kid. "Okay, New Kid. We need to go back in time. Uh… about twenty years ago, that should work, right?"
Stan shrugged. "Maybe?"
The New Kid took a bite of his spicy quesorito. Immediately, he could feel the gaseous, time-distorting buildup in his body. He began to let it out, first as a slow, low fart.
Lion suddenly looked disgusted, and glared at the New Kid. Steven, similarly, couldn't stand the smell, and covered his face with his shirt, as the New Kid continued to rip ass so hard he ripped a hole in space and time. The fart grew in volume and intensity. And in smell. Mostly in smell.
PC Principal stepped outside. "What exactly are you all doing out here?" he asked.
Suddenly, the New Kid's time-disrupting ass-rippage completely left his body all a once, covering the area in a large, dense, smelly mushroom cloud. Once the air had cleared, Steven coughed super hard. "Ack! Agh, that's– what WAS that?!"
Stan looked around. "Did it work? Are we in the past?"
Morgan Freeman looked up at his place of business. It no longer held a "Freeman's Taco's" sign. In fact, it appeared nobody occupied the building at all. "I believe it did work," Freeman commented.
Steven saw a nearby newspaper, and grabbed it. "April 11th, 1998. It worked! We're exactly twenty years into the past!"
Stan raised an eyebrow. "But… I'm right there!"
"Huh?"
They glanced across the street. Sure enough, past versions of Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman were walking down the sidewalk. "I don't know what to do, dude!" Past Stan exclaimed. "If Wendy finds out I ruined our art project, she'll never want to talk to me again!"
"Maybe you should look for the Art Monkey!" Cartman suggested. His voice sounded… different. Like some twenty-eight year old was straining his throat really hard to do it. "I heard that the Art Monkey can fix anything!"
"There's no such thing as the 'Art Monkey', Cartman," Kyle said, shaking his head.
"Shut up, Jew, my mom told me all about the Art Monkey!"
Steven frowned as the boys left his sight. "If we're in 1998, how can you be here? You weren't even born yet!"
"It appears that trying to go into your mother's past through your Gemstone has created a time anomaly," Morgan Freeman explained, a new freckle appearing on his face. "We have split the timestream, and simultaneously entered Rose Quartz's timeline as well as Stanley's timeline, causing both timelines to appear as one."
"What the hell is going on?!" PC Principal asked. Everyone stared at him.
"And it appears that PC Principal has accidentally time travelled with us," Freeman continued. "Truly, we have torn space and time a new one."
Lion yawned, and went back to sleep, his heavy snores beginning immediately.
"This was a bad idea," Steven admitted. "Let's go back."
The New Kid nodded, and attempted to Time Fart again… but he couldn't. Nothing would come out. He looked worried, now.
"The New Kid has fractured his butthole," Morgan Freeman realized. "He won't be able to bring us back to 2018 until we get that fixed. You boys had better go, and see if you can learn what you came here to learn. I will stay here with the New Kid and Lion while we attempt to fix the New Kid's Time Gland."
Steven adopted a determined glare, and nodded. "Okay. Stan, let's go."
"Don't change anything about the past," Morgan Freeman warned. "And don't interact with your past self, Stanley. As for you, Steven, if you find your mother, don't talk to her. You might further complicate the timestream."
"Got it. Let's go, Stan." Steven and Stan began walking through South Park.
"And what do you want me to do?" PC Principal asked, turning to Morgan Freeman.
"I suppose you might as well explore the town," Freeman said, shrugging. "There's not much you can do here."
PC Principal shrugged, picked a direction, and started walking.
Steven and Stan took in their surroundings. "Gee, South Park looked a lot different in 1998," Steven commented.
"Yeah, everything was a lot crappier," responded Stan. "So, I'm wondering…"
"What's up?"
"If your mom lived in Beach City… why did we get dropped off in South Park?" Stan asked. "If we're supposed to be exploring your mom's timeline, shouldn't we be in Beach City right now?"
"Well, Morgan Freeman said your timeline is affecting everything," Steven reasoned. "Besides, the Crystal Gems travelled all the time. Maybe they came to South Park for some reason."
Stan furrowed his eyebrows. "So then why did my dad say he hadn't seen any of them since the 80s… unless he's… hiding something?"
Steven looked at Stan with worry. "You don't think your dad cheated on your mom, do you?"
"Well, 1998… in the regular timeline my sister wasn't born until 2004, and I don't even know if my parents were married before that." Stan looked over at Steven. "What about you? Aren't you upset at the idea that maybe your mom cheated on your dad before you were born?"
Steven scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously. "Haha, uh, I actually gave up on trying to reconcile myself with my mom's moral character. The more I learn about her, the more I realize she wasn't exactly a great person. I wouldn't be surprised at this point."
"Jeez…" Stan looked around. They were coming up on the street he and Kyle lived on. "Well, there's only one way to find out if my dad's been lying to me."
Steven and Stan glanced through the window into Stan's living room… of 1998, maybe. "Wait, if we're in two separate years simultaneously, what happens if the Rose Quartz from 1998 bumps into the Randy Marsh from… whatever year it is for him?" Steven asked.
"I think it's 1998 all around," Stan muttered. "Mixing the timelines displaced the past versions of me and my friends and put us in 1998, temporarily."
"How do you know that?"
"Movies. Duh." Stan pointed into the living room, where his dad was sitting on the couch, watching a football game on an old 90s CRT. "So to him, it's 1998, but it's ALSO two years ago. His memories are being mixed up right now. Come on." Stan started moving towards the door, but Steven grabbed his arm and stopped him.
"What are you doing?!" Steven asked in a hushed tone. "We can't mess with the past!"
"The past version of me isn't in there, he's trying to figure out how to fix Wendy's art project," Stan said. "I remember this day. I won't be home for another few hours. If my dad from 1998 sees me, he won't suspect anything's wrong because the other me hasn't been home yet. Therefore, we aren't messing with the timeline, we're blending in."
Steven put a finger on his chin. "I guess that makes sense…" he muttered. "But what if- wait, where did you go?"
Steven looked back into the window and saw that Stan had walked in. Groaning, he walked in too, just in time to hear Stan greet his dad. "Hey, dad."
"Hey, Stanley. Did you finish your art project?" Randy asked. Something was… off about him. His movement was stilted, his speech was slower and more deliberate, and his tone was overall less exaggerated. It kind of creeped Steven out, but Stan didn't seem to notice.
Stan shook his head. "Uh, not yet, I'm gonna be going back out in a minute. Hey, dad, can I ask you a question?"
"Who's your friend?"
Stan glanced at Steven. "This is… Keith. Uh, Keith David. He's a friend from school."
"Why are we using a fake name?" Steven whispered.
"Because, dumbass, he knows you in the future. If we tell him your real name, it'll break time."
"Oh."
Stan's dad raised an eyebrow. "Is something wrong, Stan?"
"Nothing, I just wanted to ask you a question." Stan glanced at Steven again. "So, uh, Keith's mom died, and his dad remarried."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," Randy said, looking at 'Keith'.
"Uh, it was a long time ago," Steven said.
"Anyway," Stan said, "that got me thinking. Did you ever date anyone before mom?"
"Nope," Randy responded without missing a beat. "I've known your mother since we were kids."
Stan was glaring at his father now. "But you can't have been together forever, right?" he said very slowly. "Surely there was… someone else in between, at some point?"
Randy thought about it for a moment. "Hmmm. Nope. Your mother's the only one."
Stan continued to glare. "I see. Come on, Keith. We need to go finish my art project…"
"Okay, kids, have fun," Randy said as he returned to watching his game.
"He's full of shit," Stan grumbled as the boys stepped out of the house.
"I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this…" Steven said.
"Yeah, my dad cheated on my mom and he doesn't want any of us finding out! Why else would he hide Rose Quartz from us?"
Steven couldn't find a reason, but there HAD to be one. He didn't have long to think about it, however as he and Stan were approached by a large African American man in a chef's hat with a mustache. He also had a large apron on with the word "Chef" printed across the front. "Hello there, children!" the man greeted.
Stan snapped out of his internal stewing to realize that he was speaking to somebody he hadn't seen in a while. His eyes widened as he once again tried to not give away that he was from the future. "Shit! Uh, hey Chef!"
Chef smiled. "How's it goin'?"
"Uh, good, good!" Stan realized that he had actually seen Chef earlier in the day, while looking for the Art Monkey. Hopefully, Chef wouldn't get too suspicious…
"...hey, hold on a second, children. Didn't I see you at Eric's house five minutes ago?"
"Shit! Steven, we have to go!"
"Why, what's-?" Suddenly, the ground began to shake, and the area around them began to 'glitch'. Their surroundings changed; now, they were standing outside of South Park Elementary. "WHOA! What was that?!"
Chef raised an eyebrow. "What the hell is going on?" He soon glitched as well, and returned to his smile. "Hello there, children!"
Stan started freaking out. He broke time! "Shit! We fucked up, Steven! We fucked up!"
Chef frowned. He looked a little confused. "Uh… goodbye." Chef just walked away, leaving the children to whatever they were up to.
"Where are we now?" Steven asked.
"I think it's a different day." Stan turned around and peered into the window. "Look, there I am."
Mr. Garrison began writing on the chalkboard. "Okay, class, today we're going to be learning about Christopher Columbus. Mr. Hat, would you like to tell the kids about what Columbus did?"
"In 1492, Columbus got kids a day off school!" Mr. Hat recited.
Cartman smiled. "Kickass," he said, his voice still low and gravelly.
Steven frowned. "So now we're jumping around time?"
"I guess," Stan replied.
"Jeez. I hope PC Principal's okay."
PC Principal walked through the terrifying world that was South Park in 1998. If he thought South Park was bad when he got there, it was even worse before that. Everywhere he looked, there were microaggressions and outright hateful comments.
"Hey, Jim, didja see that faggot that waltzed into Skeeter's last night?" one man asked his friend.
Jim laughed. "Yeah, he was so drunk he was stumbling all over the place like a fuckin' retard."
"Yeah, or a cripple, or something."
PC Principal groaned. "You know, you guys shouldn't be saying those words."
Jim and his friend looked at each other. "Why not?" Jim asked.
"Because! They're very offensive and hurtful!"
Jim laughed. "Okay, retard."
"Hey Jim, did you hear that the First Lady has a penis?"
"Hey, I didn't know Hillary Clinton was a tranny!"
PC Principal groaned again and tried to remove himself from the situation. He passed another group of people. "Hey, how do you think that scandal with the President's gonna go?" one man asked another.
"What, you mean that fat skank who sucked Clinton's dick? Who cares about that, sometimes a guy's gotta get a little head on the side, you know?"
"Yeah. I doubt those retards in Congress will do anything about it, anyway."
PC Principal wanted to scream. He moved to a different part of the street.
"Hey, Bob, fuck women and minorities, am I right?"
"Haha, yeah! Fuck women and minorities."
"AHHHHH!" PC Principal yelled. "It's too much! This is too much! Jesus fucking Christ, what is wrong with you people?"
"Hey now!" Jim scolded. "Do NOT use the lord's name like that!"
"Yeah!" Bob agreed. "That's just offensive and ignorant."
PC Principal dramatically pulled off his sunglasses. "You're offensive and ignorant, bro! You wanna fuckin' go?!"
"Yeah, we'll kick your ass!" Jim yelled.
"Not if I kick your ass first, bro! 1998 South Park doesn't have shit on me, bro!" PC Principal blocked a punch from Jim, before grabbing his arm and tossing him over his shoulder. It was on.
Steven and Stan continued to walk through South Park. "I wonder where the Crystal Gems are…" Steven wondered aloud. "We still haven't seen them. But we're exploring my mom's timeline, so they HAVE to be nearby, right?"
"Steven, look!" Stan pointed across the street. Randy Marsh was crossing the road, but he looked… younger. "That must be the actual 1998 version of my dad."
"Where do you think he's going?"
"Let's follow him." The two boys followed Randy a little bit out of town, into the woods. "Where the hell are you going, dad?"
"Look, he's stopping. Let's hide!" Steven said as he and Stan ran behind a tree.
"Are you out here?" Randy called out into the trees. "I… got your letter."
Steven peeked around the corner, and gasped at what he saw.
Rose Quartz, the mother he had never met, yet who was always with him in the form of their gemstone, walked out into the clearing, dressed in the same white dress he always saw in pictures and videos of her. She was beautiful. This was the closest he'd ever been to seeing her in person. As much as he resented the person that he was starting to learn she was, he couldn't help but long to meet her. And now that she was right here…
"Hello, Randy," Rose greeted. "It's been a while."
"Listen, Rose, we can't keep doing this," Randy protested. "Things with my girlfriend, Sharon, they're… they're getting pretty serious. I think I love her."
"I thought you loved me?" Rose asked, tilting her head.
"I do, I do, but… you keep disappearing. I don't see you for months and months at a time."
"You were the one who left to join that boy band," Rose reminded him.
"Yeah, and when I got back, you were in a relationship with that Greg guy," Randy shot back. "You moved on, so I did too. Why can't we just leave it at that?"
"Because I miss you, silly," Rose giggled. "Greg is great and all, but sometimes you need a little change."
"That's one of his songs. You're quoting one of his songs."
"Your point?"
Randy rolled his eyes. "Look, Rose, we need to end this-" Rose suddenly moved forward and kissed Randy, causing both Stan and Steven to start glaring.
"Pieces of shit!" Stan yelled. This distracted Steven momentarily, as Stan was quite loud.
"Stan, sshhhh!" Steven covered Stan's mouth and ducked back behind the tree.
"What the hell was that?" Randy asked, pushing Rose off of him and turning to stare out into the woods. "Hello? Who's out there?"
Suddenly, Stan and Steven's surroundings glitched again. They were back at South Park Elementary, this time in the playground. "Oh, great, where are we now?" Steven asked.
"You don't think they're really gonna kill Terrance and Phillip, do you?" the boys heard from across the playground. Looking over at source of the noise, Stan saw himself, as well as Kyle and Cartman.
"Kyle, you need to stop being such a chickenshit and stand up to your mother!" Cartman demanded. "You need to smack her in the face, and say 'that's enough you fuckin' bitch!'"
"Sheesh!" Steven groaned. "You and your friends really need to wash your mouths out, with like, three different soaps."
"Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!" Kyle yelled.
"You guys stop it, this isn't helping," Past Stan dismissed. "We've gotta think here. Now let's see… what would Brian Boitano do?"
"Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?" Cartman repeated.
Our Stan saw a nearby newspaper. "1999… we jumped a whole year!"
Steven put a finger to his chin. "Hmmm… maybe whatever my mom did to Canada happened here?"
"No, no, this is the first Canadian-American War," Stan corrected. "KYLE'S mom started this one. But… if the time anomaly took us here, that means there's a reason for us to be here. Come on, let's look around. Cartman's just about to sing a song, we can afford to miss it."
Steven and Stan left the playground and began to walk through South Park. "It was kinda weird, watching my mom kiss your dad like that," Steven muttered. "That makes us, like, retroactive step-brothers, or something."
"Ugh…" Stan groaned.
"Hey, I just realized Kenny wasn't with you guys in the playground," Steven said, raising an eyebrow. "What was that about?"
Stan thought for a moment. "I… don't remember. I remember going to see the Terrance and Phillip movie with him, and then… I don't remember where he went after that."
"Weird."
"I kind of remember Cartman daring him to light his farts on fire, like in the movie, but I don't remember if he did it or- Hey, wait, look over there!" Stan cut himself off and pointed across the road.
The Crystal Gems—Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Rose—were facing off against a monster that was wreaking havoc in front of Craig's house. "Man," Amethyst complained, "this thing just doesn't quit!"
"Focus, Amethyst!" Garnet commanded. "We have to-" she stopped, frowned, and turned her head.
She was staring right at Stan and Steven.
"Oh, crap," Steven muttered. "She's looking at us."
Stan raised an eyebrow. "So?"
"So Garnet can see the future. She might find out we're time travelers."
"Oh, shit."
"Garnet, what the 'h' are you lookin' at?!" Amethyst scolded. "Those kids? Come on, we have bigger things to worry about!"
Garnet turned back to the monster. "Right. We need to stay focused."
Steven started to drag Stan away. "Come on, let's get out of here."
"Hang on, if Rose Quartz is right there, we should stick around and see what she does."
"Yeah, but I don't like the way Garnet looked at us." Steven watched as the Crystal Gems continued to battle the monster. "What if we cause a time paradox or something?"
Suddenly, the monster turned its attention to Steven and Stan. It roared and shoved Amethyst off of it, and ran towards the boys.
"Oh, shoot," Steven muttered. "Run!" He and Stan turned around and started to run.
"Can't you fight it?" Stan asked, looking over his shoulder. "We don't have to run!"
"Yeah, I COULD, but all I have on me is my mom's shield! And if Garnet staring at us just now didn't give us away as time travelers, pulling out Rose Quartz's shield while Rose Quartz is standing right there DEFINITELY will!"
Stan groaned. "God damn it. I guess we're running, then!"
Steven stared down at his feet. "Uh, jeez, I really shouldn't have worn sandals today- WHOA!" he yelled as he tripped, falling face-first onto the ground.
"Steven!" Stan yelled as he skidded to a halt. The monster moved over Steven as it prepared to attack. Suddenly, it was impaled through its back by a sharp, pink sword; the monster poofed, leaving behind its Gem. Rose Quartz now stood over Steven, sword in hand.
"Are you alright, child?" Rose asked with a kind smile on her face. She sheathed the sword in her scabbard and held out a hand for Steven.
Steven, on the other hand, was internally freaking out. His mother, his deceased mother who he never met, just saved his life and was now holding out her hand. He moved to grab it, but then he remembered Morgan Freeman's words. He can't interact with any past versions of himself, including Rose Quartz. He quickly recoiled his hand away and yelled.
"Is something wrong?" Rose asked, tilting her head in confusion.
"Uh, no!" Steven denied, standing up quickly. "Uh, thank you for saving me, Ms…"
"You may call me Rose Quartz."
"I know." Shit! "I mean, I don't know! I've never met you before, haha!" he laughed nervously. "That would be… weeeeeeird!"
The Crystal Gems, having surrounded Steven by this point, all stared at him with perplexed looks on their faces. "Man, humans are weird," Amethyst yawned. "Can we go now?"
"You'll have to excuse my friend," Stan said, standing next to Steven. "He's, uh, probably really freaked out by what just happened."
"Well, you're safe now," Rose said, smiling again as she closed her eyes and nodded. "What is your name?"
"Steven Uni-" Stan elbowed Steven. "Uh, De Mayo. Steven De Mayo."
"Are you fucking stupid?" Stan said in a hushed tone.
"Sorry!"
Rose put a finger to her chin and hummed. "Hmmm. Steven. I quite like that name. Steven…"
Stan raised his eyebrows. "Wait, what the fuck?"
"Rose, we need to be going," Pearl said. "These… mm, humans, are unimportant." It was at this point that Pearl realized both Steven and Stan were glaring at her… and that they had been BEFORE she made that tasteless remark. "Can I help you?" Steven and Stan continued to glare at her. "What?" More glaring. "WHAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
Amethyst snickered. "Well, P, it's official. You're really, really bad with kids."
"I didn't do ANYTHING to these humans!" Pearl denied.
"Yeah, not yet," Stan grumbled.
"What was that?"
Rose giggled. "Come on, Pearl. We need to get going, remember?"
Pearl stopped glaring at Steven and Stan and looked back up at Rose. "Ahem," she cleared her throat. "Yes, of course. Lead the way." Out of the corner of her eye, she glared back down at Steven and Stan, who likewise continued to glare at her. Once Rose and Amethyst were gone, she bent down to speak to them. "You two are exceptionally rude, even for humans. I just wanted you to know that." She assumed a more dignified pose and looked over at Garnet. "Come, Garnet." She followed Rose and Amethyst.
Garnet, however, stayed put, and continued to stare at Steven and Stan. They couldn't tell what she was thinking behind that visor, but she was definitely thinking about SOMETHING. They stood in silence for a moment.
Steven chuckled nervously. "Hehe… well, uh, my friend and I need to get back to-"
"I'm not supposed to meet you yet, am I?" Garnet asked suddenly.
"...what?"
Garnet knelt down to meet Steven's eyes. "I'm going to meet you, at some point in the future. I can see that. But today… I wasn't supposed to meet you today. Am I correct?"
Steven and Stan shot each other worried looks. "Y… yes, you're correct," Steven confirmed, nodding slowly. "I-"
"Don't tell me any more," Garnet said, standing up. "You're time travelers, correct? If you tell me anything else about the future, it could seriously damage the timeline. Even with my own ability to peer into the possibilities of tomorrow, I can't know too much about my own future. You two need to get back to your own time, as soon as possible. Goodbye, Steven. If and when we meet again, I hope it's under more pleasant circumstances." Garnet quickly left to catch up with Rose, Amethyst, and Pearl, leaving Steven and Stan alone.
"Whew," Steven sighed. "That was intense."
"So what did we learn?" Stan said, rolling his eyes. "Number one. You might have accidentally named yourself."
"Ugh. My head hurts."
"Number two. Pearl was a HUGE bitch before you were born. And number three… we all around need to be more careful. We almost broke time just now."
"We definitely don't want to do that."
Stan started walking. "Come on. I've got a feeling we're about to time jump again." Steven shrugged, and followed.
Meanwhile, back in 1998, PC Principal was engaged in an all-out brawl with the very un-PC residents of 1998 South Park. He kicked hick ass like it was nobody's business. He was teaching them not to use slurs like "fag" or "retard" with a series of roundhouse kicks. If he even heard the beginnings of a micro aggression, they were getting a faceful of fist. Three more guys ran up to them—with a single swift kick, he sent them flying. Suddenly, Big Gay Al approached him.
"Oh my goodness gracious, what are you doing, you big silly?" Al asked, shocked and appalled. "Everyone, stop! Why are we all fighting?"
"You need to get back!" PC Principal yelled. "1998 is a hostile environment for you! These hicks are gonna try and kick your ass!"
Jim, having just gotten back up on his feet, stared at PC Principal. "What, why? Just because he's a fag?"
"See, you can't keep using language like that!" PC Principal yelled.
"Look, we aren't gonna beat him up just for being GAY!" Jim denied. "We aren't from LARAMIE, Christ!"
"But- but you called him a fag just now."
"Well YEAH. He's a fuckin' FAG!"
Big Gay Al sighed. "Mister, I don't know why you feel the need to white knight for me, but I'm super! Thanks for asking!"
PC Principal was confused. "But they're using demeaning and hurtful language to refer to you."
"Honey, I grew up in the 70s and 80s. They used to think I'd give them AIDS by looking at them!"
PC Principal glared at the townspeople. "Fuck you guys!"
"But that's not the point," Big Gay Al continued. "Sure, their words are hurtful and their demeanors uncouth, but it USED to be a lot worse. Now, does that make it okay? Of course not! But progress doesn't happen overnight! They're not going to beat me up, and most of them are very good friends to me!"
Jim nodded. "Yeah, we're not trying to stop him from bein' a fag. We don't even resent him for it! We just don't like you comin' around and policin' the way we talk!"
"They were raised believing that these words were just fine," Big Gay Al surmised. "One day, we'll have a gay President, but for right now? I'm fine with having to hear some bad language."
PC Principal was starting to get it now. "I see what you're saying, I think. The way these people behave… it's a product of their time! South Park may have been offensive to gays, women, and minorities in 1998, but… they never HATED them."
"Of course we don't! What do you take us for, a bunch of monsters?"
"You know, in some towns, somebody like me WOULD be beaten to death," Big Gay Al pointed out. "So South Park is actually ahead of its time!"
PC Principal raised his eyebrows. "Dude… Bro. Dude. I never thought of it like that. South Park was PC before PC was PC." He turned and nodded to the townspeople he'd just beaten up. "Thank you for this enlightening experience. I look forward to the town you're going to become." He then turned around and walked back towards Freeman's Tacos.
Stan and Steven could see the bus stop Stan usually took to school. Past versions of Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman were all standing there. Stan picked up a newspaper. "October 2001," he muttered. "Hey, who keeps leaving these newspapers around, anyway?"
"Sheesh. That's spooky," Steven shivered
"What?"
"Well, I was born in July, 2002. Which means I was probably conceived in October of 2001."
Stan sighed. "So we're nearing the end of Rose Quartz's timeline, and the start of yours."
Suddenly, the past version of Cartman started talking. "Hey, you guys, I've got a pet chinchilla now."
Kyle rolled his eyes. "No you don't, fatass."
"Yuh huh, you wanna see?"
"Yes, I do, actually!" Kyle said, glaring. "Come on, guys, we're gonna go to Cartman's house and see this 'chinchilla'."
"It wasn't a real chinchilla," our Stan remembered. "It was a malnourished raccoon Cartman found digging in his garbage." The Stan, Kyle, and Cartman the past all walked towards Cartman's house. Kenny remained. "Oh yeah, I forgot. Kenny didn't come with us, that day. I wonder what he did for the whole day?" Stan started walking toward the bus stop. Steven grabbed his shoulder.
"Stan, where are you going?"
"I'm hanging out with Kenny, dude, I wanna see what his B-Story was. Come on, it's not like we're gonna break time any more than we already have."
Steven shrugged. "Alright, then."
Stan and Steven approached Kenny and stood by the bus stop, waiting for the bus. Kenny glanced up at them and raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were going to go see Cartman's chinchilla?"
Stan shrugged. "It's probably not real, why give him the satisfaction, you know?"
"I guess." Kenny stared at Steven. "Who's the fat kid?"
"I'm not fat, I'm big boned…" Steven muttered.
"Oh, this is my cousin," Stan hand-waved. "He's visiting for a couple of days."
"Oh."
Stan, Kenny, and Steven stood at the bus stop in near silence for several seconds. Suddenly, Kenny looked up, and saw a twenty dollar bill in the road. "Dude, sweet!" Smiling, Kenny walked out into the road… and was immediately crushed by the approaching school bus, Stan and Steven stared at his bloodied corpse, wide-eyed, mouths agape.
They stared in silence for several more seconds, before Steven screamed. "AHHHH!"
"Oh my god!" Stan yelled. "They killed Kenny! I don't remember that happening at all!"
"Did we do that?! Was that our fault?!"
"We were just standing here, what the fuck?!"
Steven started to pace the area in a panicked fashion. "That is DEFINITELY going to break time! If Kenny's dead in the past, but not in the future, it's going to create a time paradox, or something!"
"Maybe it'll create a split timeline where Kenny is just dead," Stan reasoned, trying to calm himself down. "Maybe our own time is unaffected and exists in a parallel universe."
"Well, DUH!" Steven said, going wall-eyed for a split second. "But what if we can't get BACK to our own time, and we can only get back to the time we created, like in Back to the Future Part II?"
"Maybe we should get the New Kid to send us back to before Kenny died, so we can save Kenny and stop a paradox from happening!"
Steven put a finger on his chin. "Wait, if Kenny's dead, then that means Bismuth never tried to kill him, which means that Lapis never had to save him, which means Lapis is still alive."
"Oh, shit, that's like TWO paradoxes!"
"Oh, hamburgers!" Steven exclaimed.
"Okay, okay, let's just stop freaking out about this," Stan said as he held up a hand. "W-we're still here. And time isn't broken yet. So we're fine. Maybe we're locked into our own timeline, or something."
"I sure hope so!"
The school bus drove away, and Steven and Stan stared at Kenny's mangled corpse in horror as the rats came to pick at it. After a few more seconds of staring, however, they seemed to just… forget about it. Despite Kenny's dead body being right in front of them, they weren't even thinking about it. It was as if some supernatural force was downplaying it in their minds. "So what now?" Stan asked. The initial shock of having seen Kenny die had fully worn off of both of them.
Steven looked across the street. Rose Quartz was there. "Look, there's my mom again."
"Come on, let's go follow her." Stan and Steven snuck across the street and followed Rose Quartz, from a safe enough distance that they wouldn't be seen, of course. Again, she walked into the woods near South Park, causing Stan to shake his head. "I swear to god, if she's going to meet my dad again…"
They arrived at the clearing they'd seen before. Sure enough, a much younger Randy Marsh was standing there, waiting. "Rose, we need to talk," Randy said as soon as Rose approached him. Stan and Steven went to go hide behind a tree. "We can't- we can't do this anymore. I'm putting my foot down."
Rose nodded. "Yes. This cannot go on. Tonight will be the last night you will see me." She wasn't making eye contact with him. "You see, I made a rather… large decision recently. One which prevents me from ever seeing you again."
Steven gasped. "She's pregnant with me," he realized. "She's saying that because she knows she'll lose her physical form in nine months."
Stan furrowed his eyebrows. "Why would she come see my dad AFTER getting pregnant, and not before?"
"Well, maybe she's not pregnant yet," Steven said, shrugging. "Maybe she's going to go… uh… 'meet with' my dad after this."
"Ugh, gross."
Tuning back in to the conversation, the boys saw Randy turn from Rose. He sighed. "Rose. I'm sorry. I love Sharon, and I can't do this to her anymore. ...we're getting married."
Rose blinked. "Oh."
"Yeah."
"When?"
"The wedding is tomorrow."
"I see."
Randy closed his eyes. "Yes, so as you can see, it would be best for both of us if this sordid affair ended today."
"...So you're still a bachelor for one more night, correct?"
Steven glared at Rose. "Are you serious?!" he exclaimed in a hushed tone.
Stan shook his head. "Come on, dad, don't-"
"Fine, Rose. Just one more night."
"God, damn it!" Stan yelled, throwing his hat off. "I am so pissed off at my dad right now." He watched as Rose grabbed Randy's hand and walked off. This whole situation was infuriating… but there was something else about it that didn't sit right with him. Stan thought about it. Steven said he was probably conceived in October 2001. It was October 2001. Rose Quartz presumably had either just had sex with or was about to have sex with Greg Universe, Steven's father.
...but she was also about to have sex with Randy. Could it be… no. Could it? A worried look came over Stan's face. "S-Steven?"
"Yeah?"
...should he say anything? Would it be worth worrying Steven over what was probably a coincidence? "...n-no, nothing, never mind."
"Oh, okay."
Stan was suddenly VERY concerned. His mind was led astray, however, by their surroundings glitching again.
"Oh, great, where are we now?" Steven asked. He looked around. They… were not in South Park anymore. The surrounding buildings were cruder in design, as was… everything else. This looked like…
"Canada," Stan was able to conclude. "We're in Canada."
Steven looked around some more. "We must finally be where we need to be…" he muttered. "My mom's around here somewhere."
"You know Steven, I'm starting to like your mom less and less the more we see her," Stan grumbled. "I can't believe my dad kept seeing her for so long…"
Steven groaned and put a hand on his face. "Honestly, I'm with you, but I can't fault her very much for it."
"Why not?!"
"She doesn't 'get' human relationships," Steven explained. "She dated my dad, and probably others, at the same time she was supposed to be in a relationship with Pearl. She liked to give and receive as much love as possible, to be honest, I don't think she ever cared who it was with, just as long as she was creating more love and compassion in the universe."
Stan glared silently at Steven. "Steven. That has to be the gayest thing you've ever said to me. Just say your mom was a slut and move on."
"But she wasn't, though! She was a war criminal, and a liar, and a murderer, but she wasn't a SLUT! Sex was just, like, an outlet for her! Gems don't have sex, normally, so to her, it was this beautiful, alien thing that humans did to make eachother happy!" Steven frowned and sat down on a nearby rock. "That's all she wanted to do. She was trying to make your dad happy one last time before she became me. I'm sorry that she made him cheat on your mom before you were born, but it's not something she did out of malice."
Stan stopped glaring and thought about it for a second. Steven's explanation… actually made sense. Rose Quartz loved humans, perhaps a bit too much. Sex was humanity's most basic, primal reaction to love. If Rose Quartz truly had been on Earth for thousands of years, as Steven had said more than once, then she would have seen the rise and fall of several different civilizations. And through those civilizations, there was one constant…
Sex. They all had sex.
When looking at the situation with that in mind, Stan found it a lot harder to fault Rose Quartz.
His dad was still an asshole, though.
Stan sat down next to Steven. "Steven… I know I keep talking shit about your dead mom. And I'm… kind of being a dick to you, too. I'm sorry. I'm just really pissed off at my dad right now."
"You want my advice, Stan?" Steven asked. "Don't be. It was wrong, but it was also years ago. Your dad made it clear that he wanted to remain faithful to your mom once the wedding happened, and so far, he has, right?"
Stan looked down. "I guess…"
"We all did things in the past we wish we didn't do," Steven continued. "Your dad clearly wanted to forget about it, otherwise he'd have brought it up himself."
Stan supposed that was true… and his dad was an idiot who couldn't keep his mouth shut about anything, so he REALLY must have wanted to forget about this. "Man, time travel sucks," he muttered. "We still haven't learned what we came here to learn."
Steven looked up. "I think we're about to," he said. "Look."
Stan looked forward. Two Canadian Mounties escorted Rose Quartz through the Canadian countryside—all three were on primitive-looking Canadian horses. "So what brings you to Canada, buddy?" one of them, Mountie Bob, asked.
Rose Quartz glanced around. "Your new Prime Minister is engaging in a few questionable activities…" she muttered. "If you don't mind me asking, where IS the Prime Minister?"
The other Mountie, Mountie Dave scoffed. "Nobody's met him yet. Nobody except Scott."
"Yeah!" Mountie Bob exclaimed. "He's a dick!"
Stan raised an eyebrow. "Scott the Dick… new Prime Minister… what day is it?"
Steven looked to his right and saw another newspaper. What was absurd was that the newspaper appeared to be a copy of the Denver Post, which they obviously would've only found in Colorado under normal circumstances. "March 15th, 2002… that's only a few months before I was born!"
"More importantly, it's a about a year before Saddam Hussein fled Iraq."
"Why does that matter?"
Stan gestured to Rose and the Mounties. "Saddam was posing as the Prime Minister of Canada until Christmas, 2003, when he was found in a spider hole and captured. Under his rule, Canada made a bunch of new laws that fucked things up for everyone. If I had to take a guess, I'd imagine he was setting up contacts in Canada around this time and preparing to leave Iraq."
"So you think my mom's going to go after Saddam Hussein?" Steven paused. "Also, who's Saddam Hussein?"
"He was the President of Iraq until 2003. AND he used the first Canadian-American War in 1999 to fulfill an apocalypse prophecy… gee, sound familiar?"
"How do you know all of this? You're younger than I am."
Stan paused, and frowned. "I… don't know how I know. All of this time travel bullshit is messing with my head. The point is I think I know what Rose Quartz is doing here." He furrowed his brow and looked back up at Rose and the Mounties. "But why would that piss off the Canadians? They hated Saddam."
"Let's listen." Steven directed Stan to follow the horses.
"So I can't speak to the Prime Minister?" Rose asked, tilting her head.
"Afraid not, guy," Mountie Bob responded.
"And where is this 'Project Charlie' the Prime Minister is assumed to be working on?"
Stan raised an eyebrow. "Project Charlie?"
Stan and Steven followed the horse-riding trio—who were fortunately moving rather slowly—through the Canadian countryside. "Project Charlie is Canada's pride and joy right now, located in Ishpatina Ridge," Mountie Dave explained.
"So we're nearby," Rose muttered thoughtfully. "May I see?"
The group eventually came to the ridge, which was absolutely gorgeous. Trees covered the land ahead. Even Stan had to admit, it was pretty cool—of course, he always was a big nature-loving hippie.
Steven saw something, however, that concerned him. "Wait… is that…?"
Rose Quartz gasped.
She and the Mounties, sat atop their horses, were now in front of a vast, rocky cliffside, with dozens of primed Homeworld Injectors, ready to be activated.
This was a Kindergarten.
Stan leaned over and whispered to Steven. "What is this?"
"This is a Gem Kindergarten!" Steven said, slightly panicked. "These are how new Gems are made!"
"And that's…"
"Bad. It drains the resources from the host planet and makes it uninhabitable. It's why the Crystal Gems revolted in the first place."
Stan raised his eyebrows. "So… now that Rose Quartz is in front of one… what's she going to do?"
Rose stepped off of her horse and approached one of the injectors. "This is what your Prime Minister is working on…?" she muttered. "Why? How?"
Mountie Dave beamed and approached Rose. "Canadian Historians believe that aliens settled in Ancient Canada in search of gold. The Prime Minister learned the secret to getting these contraptions to work."
"You're going to activate it?!" Rose asked, turning around.
"Why, of course!" Dave nodded. "Just think of the scholarly applications! If we can discover just what these contraptions were used for, we may be able to utilize alien technology to better the world!"
"I see…" Rose Quartz turned back around and placed a hand on the injector. "So, it appears your Prime Minister has tricked you."
"...excuse me?"
Rose drew her sword from its scabbard, and began hacking at the injector. The Mounties started to freak out.
"H-HEY! What the fuck are you doing, buddy?!"
Steven and Stan watched as Rose destroyed the injector—once she was done with it, she moved on to the next one. A rather large one—the main one—sat above her. She destroyed that one too. The Mounties were not pleased.
"You've… you've destroyed our Canadian pride!" Dave accused.
"You can thank me later," Rose said, sheathing her sword. "I must be on my way, now."
"I think not!" Dave retrieved his Great Canadian Whistle and blew into it. Several more Canadian Mounties arrived. "Arrest this bitch!" he yelled.
Steven's eyes widened. "Oh my god… the reason the Canadians were going after my mom… it was all because of a huge misunderstanding!"
"So maybe we can clear this whole thing up and end the war!" Stan exclaimed, as their surroundings glitched. "Wait, where are we now?"
Steven looked around. They were on a spaceship. "Huh? This… doesn't look like Earth."
Suddenly, they heard a familiar nasally voice from the other room. "Log date… uh, nobody's told me what day it is, yet," the voice said. "Having just left my Kindergarten, I've been given the tools needed to carry out my first assignment."
Steven and Stan hid behind a nearby crate as the door opened. Steven gasped silently as Peridot walked through, wearing her limb enhancers. "Oh, man, we really broke time, now! This isn't even my MOM'S timeline, it's Peridot's!" He looked up at Peridot as she paced the room, her limb enhancers clanking loudly. "If this is her first assignment, we must be THOUSANDS of years in the past!"
"I've been asked to monitor the Cluster, a superweapon that Homeworld placed within the core of a planet called 'Earth'," Peridot continued. "Obviously, I'll be monitoring it from a safe distance."
Steven stared blankly at Peridot. "O-okay, maybe we're only four years in the past."
Stan was confused. "Peridot's only four years old? I'd have thought she's at least, like, fourteen. Is that why she's so short?"
Steven frowned. "Uh, no, she's gonna be like that forever. Gems don't grow like humans do, they just kind of… start out as adults."
"Peridot is NOT an adult," Stan shook his head. "She's like, sixteen, TOPS."
Peridot heard the argument and turned to face Steven and Stan. She groaned, and rolled her eyes. "Ugh. Of COURSE I get the ship with the rodent infestation." Sighing, she retrieved what appeared to be a straight-up flamethrower. "Alright, hold still," she said as she began blowing fire towards the boys.
"AHHH!" Stan yelled as he backed up into the wall. The boys' surroundings glitched again, and they were at the bus stop.
"Alright Ike, kick the baby!"
"Don't kick the baby!"
"Kick the baby!"
Kyle kicked his brother into the school bus window. Stan stared at Stan, his eyes widening.
"Dude!" Past Stan exclaimed. "Why am I right there?"
Their surroundings glitched again; now, Stan and Steven were in an empty street. "Okay, what the FUCK was that?!" Stan asked.
"We must have been in the past too long!" Steven said. "Time is collapsing around us!"
Their surroundings glitched again. They were back in front of Freeman's Tacos. "Ah, there you boys are," Morgan Freeman greeted. PC Principal returned as well. "It looks like everyone's here."
"Dude! What the FUCK is going on?!" Stan asked.
"I assume you're talking about the time glitches you've been experiencing," Freeman replied. "Don't worry about those. Time was just taking you where you needed to go. Sometimes time makes mistakes and places you where you don't need to go. But you saw what you needed to see, correct?"
Steven nodded. "Yeah! We found out what my mom did that angered the Canadian government so much! We need to get to Canada right away and clear the air! If we can convince the Canadians to stand down and have a dialogue with Pearl, we can finally end the war!"
"Mm, there's only one problem with that plan," Freeman explained. "We can't get back to 2018."
"...what," Stan said flatly.
"I'm afraid the New Kid's Time Gland is permanently fractured," Morgan Freeman sighed. "We're stuck in 1998."
Lion grunted and stood up. He sleepily opened his eyes, yawned, and walked over to Steven. He pressed his face against Steven's.
"Not now, Lion, we're kind of dealing with something," Steven said. "If we're stuck in 1998, I'll be, like, 35 before I can end the war!"
Stan frowned. "There's got to be some way…"
Lion growled, and again pressed his face up against Steven's. Steven glared. "Lion, I said not now."
"Bro. I can't be stuck in this un-PC time for twenty years!" PC Principal said. "We gotta get back!"
"I'm afraid there's no way to return," Freeman lamented. "Not unless-"
Lion rolled his eyes and dropped himself on Steven and Stan, fully absorbing the boys into his mane's pocket dimension. Morgan Freeman stared at Lion.
"My word. He's eaten Stanley and Steven whole. How tragic."
Steven and Stan appeared in Rose Quartz's pocket dimension. Stan was immediately alarmed that he couldn't breathe, and started gasping for air. Steven quickly grabbed him and dragged his face into the grass, allowing them to pop back into our reality. Stan breathed a heavy breath.
"What the fuck was that?!" he yelled. "Your stupid fucking lion almost killed us!"
Steven glared down at Lion. "Lion, what was that for?! We're in the middle of-" he paused. "Wait a second." He looked back down into Lion's mane. "Stan. Take a deep breath."
"What are you-?!" Stan was dragged back into the pocket dimension.
Steven stared up at his mother's island. All of their stuff was still there. Bismuth's bubble, which likely would have been here in 1998, notably, was not. Steven glanced over to the right...
Lars's island was still there.