A/N: Apologies in advance, this chapter has almost nothing to do with the main arc. It was supposed to just be one scene at the end of the previous chapter before I expanded it into its own chapter.

...yup. Nothing of importance happens here. ...nothing at all.

Nothing.

Steven dragged Stan over to the other island and dove into the grass. The boys fell onto the hard metal floor of what appeared to be a Homeworld spaceship, gasping for air.

Lars, whose head they just came out of, smiled. "Steven! I was wondering when you'd be back. Great news! We're finally approaching Eart-"

"Lars! Quick!" Steven grabbed Lars's face and dragged him down to the boys' level. "What year is it?!"

"2018?"

Stan's eyes widened. "Dude… did we just time travel through your fucking Lion?!"

Lars looked over at Stan. "Who's this kid?"

Steven pulled Stan up onto his feet. "This is Stan! He's one of my new friends, from Colorado! Stan, meet Lars! He died, and I brought him back to life, and now he's a zombie space pirate! ...please don't tell PC Principal I called him a 'zombie', though."

"Nice to meet you, Stan!" Lars greeted, holding out his hand. Stan shook it. "Let's try and keep the whole 'zombie space pirate' thing on the DL, though? We just had a few run-ins with the Galactic Federation. Woo, boy, they are NOT happy with me right now."

"The Galactic Federation?" Steven repeated, tilting his head.

"Turns out, the Gem Homeworld is just the tip of the iceberg." Lars grabbed Steven and held a hand out to he stars, as if to illustrate the vastness of the universe. "There are planets EVERYWHERE teeming with life. There's the Gems, the Tillapians, the Joozians, the Corellians, the Gromflomites, the Visitors… to be honest, they're all kind of assholes."

"Space sure does sound exciting," Steven thought aloud.

Lars let go of the boy and waved his hands in the air dismissively. "Ahhh, pssh, it's mostly super boring. For every life-supporting planet, there are about twenty lifeless rocks. I wanted to go to the moon when I was a kid, but I've seen, like, a hundred moons at this point and they're all exactly the same. Just craters and moon dust. The Jungle Moon notwithstanding, of course."

Steven leaned over and whispered to Stan, "Stevonnie got stranded on the Jungle Moon."

"Who the fuck is 'Stevonnie'?"

Lars leaned back in his seat. "So. What's new on Earth?"

"Uh, World War III," Steven responded.

"The President finally snapped and bombed Korea, huh?"

"Not Korea."

This piqued Lars's curiosity. "Then who? Syria? Iran? China?" He paused briefly. "...Australia?"

"Uh, Canada."

"Canada! Wow. Didn't expect that one."

"Even worse, the Crystal Gems are the ones who started it!" Steven exclaimed.

"You guys are starting wars now." Lars frowned. "Cool, that's… you're doing a great job protecting the Earth.

"Well I didn't want it!" Steven defended. "So I left, and so did Amethyst, Peridot, and Lapis! We're the Crystal Renegades now, and we've been going around and sabotaging the war!"

"And how's that working for you?"

"Uh, not good. Lapis died and Pearl's the President now."

"Sheesh. That's rough."

Stan looked around the spaceship. "So, you run this ship by yourself?"

Lars smiled once again. "Of course not! Every captain needs a crew!"

Steven grinned. "That's right! Stan, you haven't met the Off Colors yet!"

"Who the hell are the Off Colors?"

The outer rim of the ship's command deck suddenly lit up, and the titular Off Colors all turned around to face Stan.

"Rutile and Rutile, at your service!" the conjoined Rutile Twins said, grinning.

The next member, waved both of her right arms to greet Stan. "Oh? New friends! Fantastic! I think. You're not a spy, are you?"

"I- I don't think so?" Stan replied.

"Great! I'm Rhodonite!"

"Fantastic news, everyone!" the ship's technical advisor, exclaimed. "We're about to meet a new visitor!"

"Uh…" Stan stared at the Gem.

Lars leaned over to whisper in Stan's ear. "That's Padparadscha. She's supposed to be able to see the future, but her reaction time is a little… off."

"Okay."

"Where's Fluorite?" Steven asked.

"I'm… come… ing…" a low, elderly voice rumbled from below. The Gem that Stan presumed to be Fluorite slowly rose from a hatch that led into the ship's depths. "I've been… working… on… the engines…"

Stan tried the best he could to be polite. "Uh, nice to meet you-"

"-so that… we… can get… to Earth…"

Stan stared at Fluorite silently for another moment, for fear of cutting her off again.

"I'm finished."

"It's nice to meet all of you," Stan said. "I'm Stan. I'm a friend of Steven's. Uh, I'm new to this whole… 'Gem' thing."

Lars looked over at Steven. "Steven, what's going on? Why did you guys show up in such a panic?"

"Oh, jeez, uh, how do I put this… Stan and I time traveled."

The room gasped. "Time travel?!" Lars exclaimed. "Are you serious?!"

"Yeah, but for some reason, the link between you and Lion transcends time," Steven explained. "So there's a portal to 1998 in your hair."

Lars, in a slight state of panic, grabbed his hair. "There's a flux capacitor in my head?!"

"Please," a slightly familiar, slightly condescending voice said from below. "Time travel is a scientific impossibility." A Peridot—but not the same Peridot we know—rose from below the ship's decks.

"Whoooooa, another Peridot?!" Steven exclaimed in wonder.

"Actually, THREE Peridots!" Lars replied. "They're triplets."

Two more Peridots jumped into the command deck and struck a pose with their sister. They all had their gemstones in different parts of their bodies, so Steven decided to label them like he did the Rubies. There was Army, and Leggy, and…

...Crotchy.

"Wait, I thought Peridot said she accidentally caused Yellow Diamond to kill all of the other Peridots," Stan said, tilting his head.

Crotchy looked surprised. "Wait… there are other Peridots besides us?!"

"We thought we were the only ones!" Army exclaimed. "There was a traitor on Earth, so we knew everyone else was TOAST!"

Steven chuckled nervously. "Haha, uh, yeah, there are actually three more Peridots back on Earth. Only one of them is active, though, the other two are… elsewhere."

Stan approached the three Peridots. "So you guys escaped the Gem Homeworld?"

"We ALL did," one of the Rutiles pointed out.

"Yeah," the other one added. "We're… defective."

"You guys don't look defective to me?" Stan questioned. "I mean, yeah, you're a little more OUT THERE than some of the other Gems I've met, but you're not 'defective'."

Lars sighed. "Gems are a little more ethnostate-y in their mindsets than most humans are."

Leggy nodded. "On Homeworld, if you aren't perfect, you're worthless. WE'RE considered 'defective' because we came from the same Kindergarten as the Peridot that betrayed Yellow Diamond."

"WE came out wrong," Rutile explained. "Two gems fused together permanently, creating… us. Rhodonite is a fusion between a Ruby and a Pearl. They were cast aside because they found out they LIKED fusing."

Padparadscha nodded. "And MY name is Padparadscha."

Lars gestured to Fluorite. "It's the same deal with her as with Rhodonite. She's a fusion. They REALLY don't like inter-gemstone fusion on Homeworld. ...say, where's Beryl?"

Suddenly, a grotesque-looking Gem popped out from below the deck. "Right here!" she said. She was tall, had short, buzzed hair, and sported many different shades of blue and green across her body. The most notable thing about her was that her body was covered in hands, which was more than a little disturbing.

"That's Beryl," Rutile repeated. "She's one of the newest members of our group."

"You might be wonderin' what's wrong with me!" said Beryl. "It's— so I- you know, I got all these hands. I'm actually… like… a billion gems' worth of hands! Yup! There's some Aquamarine in here… and some Emerald, and… other things. See, back in the kindergarten, I absorbed, like, four or five rows and columns of Gems and it all got mushed together and made me! Ooo-wee! Take a look at my gemstone!"

Beryl raised her right arm and showed Stan. Her gemstone was cylindrical in shape, although unlike most of the Gems Stan had seen thusfar, it was not a neat cut. Lumps could be seen all around, and the gemstone was actually multicolored. In addition, the gemstone actually took the place of her right hand.

"Tragically, I'm actually right-handed, on account of my Gem being on the right side of my body, and all these other hands are left hands." Beryl paused for an awkward moment. "Also, they're vestigial. I can't move these lefties, no sireeee-eeee! So I became an outcast from society, on account of my many left hands I can't use. Only left hands. Yup. No right hands."

Stan blinked and stared blankly at Beryl. "You know what? That's not even close to the weirdest thing I've ever seen."

Beryl beamed. "Haha, hey guys, check it out, I'm not the weirdest thing he's seen!"

"Stan, you're being really, uh, nice to people right now," Steven whispered. "You're usually kind of dry and sarcastic. What's up?"

"Yeah, well, you know, this Gem stuff is all starting to grow on me." Stan didn't want to tell Steven the real reason he was starting to warm up to all of this—not yet, anyway.

"Captain!" Rutile shouted, interrupting the conversation. "We're getting a transmission from a nearby ship."

"Onscreen," Lars commanded. At his command, the front viewport—which was actually a computer screen—turned to a video call. To Steven's surprise, it was not another Homeworld Gem on the other end, but, in fact, a sentient member of an entirely different species.

"Hey, douchebags!" the alien yelled. He didn't look too happy. He was tall, slender, and green. His most defining features were his bulbous nose and large, round eyes, as well as the pointed mustache on his upper lip. He glared at Lars. "You think you can get away with what you did?! Not cool, bro!"

"What did you do?" Steven whispered.

"He deals in illicit space goods," Lars explained.

"What does that mean?"

"Drugs."

"Oh."

Lars nodded. "Our dark matter engine needed fuel. Soooo, we siphoned his tank during one of his little drug deals, and swiped some of the space cash too."

"Your ship has a Geminga 7 radio signature!" the alien yelled. "You have NO USE for our money!"

"You're right," Lars conceded. "I don't. But watching you get this mad over it amuses me. So, if you don't mind, I'm going to keep it."

"I DO MIND!"

"Lars, he seems kind of angry…" Steven muttered. "Maybe you should give him the money back?"

"Oh, I'll give it back… if Ricardo here agrees to a little wager."

"My name's not Ricardo," Not Ricardo corrected.

"Your ship looks fast," Lars observed. "How about we RACE for the space cash?"

Not Ricardo laughed. "Hah! You think YOUR RIDE can beat MINE?"

"This is the fastest starship the Gem Armada has at its disposal," Lars said with a cocky grin. "And we tricked it out a bit."

"How do you 'trick out' a spaceship?" Stan asked.

"We managed to supercharge the engines. And we added a spoiler on the back."

Crotchy the Peridot bowed. "You can thank MY brilliance for that little addition."

"Alright, then," Not Ricardo said, still laughing. "We'll race for the money. Prepare to get your ass stomped out, Rocky!"

Every Gem in the room suddenly glared at the screen, confusing Steven and Stan. "Uh, what's that mean?" Stan asked.

"It's a racial slur, used by members of the Federation to denigrate Gems," Lars replied, now glaring at the screen himself. "Not cool, Not Ricardo."

"My name's not Not Ricardo!" Not Not Ricardo yelled. "So. What are the CONDITIONS of this race?"

"We start here, and we finish at planet Earth," Lars explained. "No hyperdrive. No weapons. Just raw engine power and our piloting skills. Deal?"

"You're on, 'Lars of the Stars'!"

The racers lined up at the starting line, which was designated by a lone asteroid which was just kind of drifting through space. Lars and Not Not Ricardo were joined by three more racers, all of whom were the same species as Not Not Ricardo. The racers took turns telegraphing their dick sizes by revving their engines extremely loudly—oddly, the futuristic spaceships all sounded like modern-day sports cars.

Also, it was all probably CGI, rendered at twice the frame rate as everything else.

Leaning back in his captain's chair, Lars began issuing commands. "Rutile and Rutile, set a course for Earth."

"Done!"

Lars nodded, and turned to Rhodonite. "Rhodonite, bring us into Sport Mode."

Rhodonite nodded, and pressed a small button on her dashboard labeled 'Sport'. Immediately, the engine roared even louder than before, the ship's turning tightened up, and fuel efficiency dropped by 3000%.

Lars glanced over at the Peridot Triplets. "Peridots, play us some racing music."

Army nodded. "Playing some bomb-ass jams, sir!" she exclaimed as she started fiddling with the ship's computer. Bass-y, high-energy rap music started blasting from the ship's speakers.

Lars then looked over at Padparadscha. "Padparadscha, you know what to do."

Padparadscha nodded. "Sir, I predict that in just a few moments, we will be contacted by the alien whose fuel tank we siphoned and challenged to a race!"

Lars smirked and stared out the ship's front viewport. "Excellent."

Stan looked over at Steven. "So, we're actually about to race these guys?"

Steven shrugged. "I guess so. It's only my second race, though."

"Second? You've done this before?"

"Yeah, in my dad's Dondai."

Stan sighed and crossed his arms. "Dude, I think you might be way more badass than we give you credit for."

Back outside the ship, an alien that looked almost identical to a Lakitu from Mario Kart arrived, floating on what at first appeared to be a cloud, but, upon closer inspection, was actually a part of his body. He appeared to be the referee, as he held three flags in his hand—green, yellow, and checkered. He held up the green flag, and the racers revved their engines once again. Looking around sternly, the alien held up another hand, and began the countdown.

3…

2…

1…

He waved the green flag, and the racers were off! Not Not Ricardo was the first off the line, followed very closely by the Off Colors, followed by the other three racers.

Taking Space Exit 57B onto Intersystem 495, the five racers pushed their dark matter engines to their limits as they soared well past the posted speed limit of 600,000,000 miles per hour. The race was already intense; but really, Lars was just excited to finally re-enter his own solar system. The ship raced past a sign which read: "Neptune, Next Exit".

Lars grinned. "Planet Earth, here I come…" he said in a low voice, barely able to mask his excitement.

Stan stared at the radar, which indicated that Not Not Ricardo was ahead of them. "If you're so excited to get back to Earth, why are we losing the race?"

Lars smirked, and pressed a button on his arm rest. Suddenly, an Earth-style steering wheel extended from the floor in front of him, and he grabbed on to it. "I was just giving him a head start."

The ship's engines revved, and the Off Colors soared past Not Not Ricardo. "Oh, you're not getting away that easy, dickhead," Not Not Ricardo muttered. "Blaze, Trilobyte, come in," he hailed over his radio. Two more aliens of his species appeared on the screen.

"Whatcha need, boss?" Trilobyte—the male—asked.

"I'm in the Solaris system, racing the punk who barged in on our deal with the Bimblor family. He's beating me. You guys know what to do."

Blaze—the female—nodded. "You got it, boss."

The two aliens, in their own scout ships, arrived ahead of the racers near the asteroid belt between Jupiter and Mars. A sign was posted nearby which said "EARTH", with an arrow pointing due Space West. Blaze, in a compression suit, left her ship and made her way to the sign. She turned it around, so that the sign faced Space East instead. Seeing the approaching racers, she quickly hid behind the sign.

Lars turned his wheel to the right, following the sign and driving straight into the asteroid belt. Once he was gone, Blaze turned the sign once again, and the other racers began flying towards Earth.

Not Not Ricardo chuckled. "So long, Earth Asshole," he muttered.

Back on the Off Colors' ship, the group was becoming increasingly concerned with the amount of asteroids and other space debris in their line of sight. "Be careful, Captain," Rutile warned. "There are a looooot of asteroids in this part of space."

Lars frowned. "Huh. That's strange. We were supposed to cut THROUGH it, not turn INTO it."

Padparadscha suddenly gasped. "Captain Lars! Don't listen to that sign! It's been sabotaged, and we will end up directly in the middle of an asteroid field if we take it!"

"WHAT?!"

Stan glared. "Oh, that fuckin' cheater!"

The ship was hit by an asteroid. Worried, Steven looked up at Lars. "Uhhh, Lars… you put the ship's shields up, right?"

Lars blinked. "The shields?"

Crotchy shrugged. "The shields were damaged during a dogfight with Gromflomites several days ago."

"And you didn't FIX them?"

"It was on my to-do list!"

Lars grabbed the wheel. "We need to get out of he-" the ship was struck again by an asteroid… and the engines died. "No! No, shit, shit, shit!"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "What was that?"

"We lost our engines!" Lars exclaimed. "We're drifting in the middle of an asteroid field with no shields and no engines!"

Beryl sighed. "So, this is how I'm gonna go out, huh? Man, me- me and my many left hands are gonna miss being alive."

The ship was pelted by asteroids. Stan struggled to keep his balance as the ship rocked. "Agh! We have a portal back to 1998, why don't we just head back there?! It's better than being out here!"

"I'm not leaving Lars behind!" Steven yelled.

"Dude, we could DIE!"

Steven glared at Stan. "You know, Stan, I know this is a new concept for you, but friends stick together! I'm sorry you and your friends have such a crappy relationship, but that's not how the rest of the world works!"

Stan glared back at Steven before turning to look at Lars's head. "Fuck this," he muttered as he started walking towards Lars, who gladly lowered his head. Stan climbed into Lars's hair and returned to 1998.

"Stan's right, Steven," Lars said. "You should go. I don't want you getting killed out here because I thought I could race some alien bigshot."

Steven shook his head. "We're in this together!" he said. "If Stan doesn't get that, that's his loss! We can figure out another way out of this, that doesn't involve leaving you behind."

Lars frowned, but he knew better than to try and change Steven's mind. "Alright, guys. Let's try and find another way out of this."

Stan, meanwhile, appeared back in 1998, taking in a deep breath as he climbed out of Lion's mane. Morgan Freeman, PC Principal, and the New Kid were still waiting, and Lion was asleep by this point. "Marsh. Did you find another way back to 2018?" PC Principal asked.

"Nope," Stan said nonchalantly as he walked away. "We're stuck here."

"Where's Steven?" Freeman questioned.

"Who gives a shit? Dead, probably." Stan's response shocked the adults. The New Kid just stared blankly as Stan left the scene.

Stan walked back to school—why, he wasn't quite sure. Another version of him was probably in class right now, so he probably couldn't just slip in unnoticed. He sighed, leaned on the wall, and sat down. "Come on, Steven," he muttered. "Do the smart thing. Just cut your losses and come back to 1998."

"Hello there, children!" Chef greeted as he approached the boy.

"H-hey, Chef…" Stan responded uneasily. He hadn't spoken to Chef since he died, obviously. In all honesty, he missed him—a lot. So the fact that Chef was standing right here, in front of him, right now, would have normally made him smile… except he couldn't stop thinking about how his maybe-maybe-not-half-brother might die in space.

Chef could tell that Stan wasn't feeling well, but he kept up his smile. "How's it goin'?" he asked.

"Bad."

"Why bad?"

Stan sighed. "Chef… everything's so fucked up right now. I can't even tell you about most of it."

"Ohh, children. You can tell me anything. Did a priest make you take a vow of silence?"

"What? No, no, it's nothing like that, it's just…" Stan tried to figure out a way he could talk to Chef about this without giving away the fact that he's a time traveler, but he couldn't think of one. So instead of talking about the war, Lapis's death, or the potential Gem invasion, he decided to just talk about what his issues were right now. "My dad cheated on my mom…" he muttered.

Chef was unable to contain his shocked expression. "Oh, children…" Chef sat down next to Stan. "Does your mother know about this?"

"No. Or maybe she does. I don't know." Stan watched as a bird swooped down and landed in front of him. "It happened years ago, the day before they got married. My dad doesn't even know that I know, yet."

Chef raised an eyebrow. "Say, how DID you find out about it?"

"Because the lady he had the affair with got pregnant," Stan answered. "I have a half brother. I've known him for about a year, but I only just found out he was my brother. He doesn't know. And my dad doesn't know, either."

Chef sighed and stared off into the distance. "Stanley, that sounds like bad news. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, what's worse is he's a stupid asshole," Stan said, getting angrier. "We got ourselves in a tight spot, and we were faced with two choices: die, or escape with our lives, and right now he's choosing to die because one of his stupid friends can't escape with us and he thinks there's another way out."

Chef blinked. "Well, Stanley, it seems to me like he's just being a good friend."

"But he's being a shitty older brother!"

"But he doesn't KNOW he's your brother." Chef put a hand on Stan's shoulder. "Aren't you bring a bad younger brother by leaving him to die?"

Stan thought about it. "I'm not gonna fuckin' die out there if I can help it!"

"I'm not asking you to, children. All I'm sayin' is a lot of people would rather die trying to help than just sit around doing nothing. Just look at Martin Luther King!"

Stan sighed. "I guess…"

"...you're sure there's ABSOLUTELY no way to help?" Chef asked.

"Not unless there's a way for me to get rid of an asteroid belt…" Stan trailed off. "...I don't have to get rid of the asteroid belt… I just have to get the ship OUT OF the asteroid belt!" Stan stood up and started running. Chef stood up as well.

"Hey! Hey, children, where are you going?" he called after the boy.

"I'm gonna go save my brother's life!" Stan called back. Of course! he thought. The lion! Lion could create portals! If he can create a portal in 1998 that persists until 2018, they might be able to save Steven, Lars, and the Off Colors!

Stan arrived at Freeman's Tacos, and jumped back into Lion's mane, much to the shock of PC Principal, the New Kid, and Morgan Freeman.

"Well. He's lost his mind," Freeman commented.

Stan arrived on the ship. "Guys! Quick, what are our coordinates?!"

Steven raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Stan ran to the display console and took a picture of the star map with his phone. "Okay, thanks, bye!" Stan ran back to Lars and jumped into his hair—but not before grabbing a space helmet from the corner of the ship.

"What was that all about?" Lars asked, thoroughly confused. Suddenly, the ship was pelted with more asteroids. "Agh! Status report!"

Army the Peridot turned to Lars with a terrified look on her face. "80% damage to the hull, Captain! The ship's not going to last much longer!" She closed the game of FTL she'd been playing and opened the ship's real status console. "And also, we're all going to die!" Everyone on the ship started freaking out.

Stan arrived back in 1998 and shook Lion. "Hey! Fatass! Wake up!" Lion glared at Stan and went back to sleep. "Hey, I said wake up! Steven and those other guys are in danger, and we're the only ones who can help him!"

Lion opened an eye and glared at Stan. He huffed, and turned his head up. He was not going to take orders from some nobody.

"Listen here, Lion!" Stan commanded. "Steven is my half-brother, which means you're like half my pet! And as your half-owner, I'm begging you to help me save your full owner!"

Lion thought about it for a moment. If Stan was his half-owner, than he supposed he could help him. Lion sat up and nodded.

"Yes! Okay, take me to these coordinates!" Stan held up his phone and showed Lion the photo he'd taken. Lion complied with Stan's request, and roared, opening a portal to those exact coordinates. Stan donned the space helmet, and he and Lion were off.

Once in the 1998 version of the asteroid belt, the boy and the lion landed on an asteroid as it soared through space. Stan thought about his plan for a moment. He COULD have taken Lars and the Off Colors to South Park, right here, right now… but they still had a race to win! "Okay, Lion," he said, somehow allowing his voice to carry through space, where sound doesn't travel. "Here's where shit gets a little complicated. I need you to open a second portal, keeping the first one open so we can get back to South Park. Park the other side of the second portal just outside of Earth, and keep it open for the next twenty years and five minutes. Can you do that?"

Lion blinked. He did as he was told, roared, and opened the second portal.

In 2018, the portal opened in front of the ship. Everyone stared in awe.

"What… IS that?" Lars asked.

Steven grinned. "That's Lion and Stan coming to our rescue! They must have put a portal down!"

"A what?"

"It probably leads back to Earth!" Steven exclaimed. "I knew Stan would help us!"

Lars smiled. "Well, alright, then! Crew! …slowly drift into the portal! Because we still don't have engines!"

The ship slowly drifted towards the portal.

Back in 1998, Stan celebrated. "Alright, we did it! Now let's get back to South Park so we can—" He was cut off as a space rock smacked into Lion, knocking him unconscious and sending Stan flying out of his mane. "Shit! Shit! Lion! Lion, wake up!" Stan drifted away quickly, adrenaline filling his veins as he began to panic. "Lion! Lion, a little help here! Fuck!" Lion got smaller and smaller in Stan's vision as he flew out into space. He screamed.

With the warmth of Lion's mane gone, Stan felt himself growing colder… and colder…

...and colder…

…and warmer…

Down, down to the cursed realm.

...and warmer…

It's a place that you know well.

...fire… is burning...

Welcome back to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.

A/N: …

I lied.