86 Tom's POV
"It sounds like you all had a great time together." Natasha smiled, after I explained to her how things had gone at the Natural History Museum. The trip had been just yesterday, and if I was honest, I still wasn't sure what to make of it.
"Everyone had fun, yeah." We all did, I was sure that everyone enjoyed themselves. It was just...
"You aren't sure about it, though, are you?" Natasha sensed my unease.
"I don't know." I really didn't, I just... there were so many good things about yesterday, Buzz had had the best time out there, seeing all the models and the skeletons. He'd learnt new words, been given new toys, and had generally loved every minute of it. He'd been so happy.
But, to me, it felt...wrong. Like at any moment, anything could go wrong, like the whole day, I was waiting to screw up. To have something go wrong. To prove that I wasn't cut out for this. I'd felt awkward, and weird, the whole day.
"I'm, I'm not really used to things like this. I, I didn't know what I was doing." I stuck to my plan, but I didn't know how to act. Did I talk with everyone on the way round? Point out things I noticed on whatever exhibit we were looking at? I hadn't wanted to be annoying, or butt into conversations I wasn't a part of, or get in the way. Yet everything I did felt like I was doing those things, constantly.
"That's a normal thing to feel when you're in a situation like this, I'm afraid. You've spent years adjusting your behaviour to make your wife happy, it takes a lot of courage to speak up and join in after something like that." Natasha said sympathetically, I didn't know if I liked the sympathy or not. It was nice to know that it was slightly normal, but I didn't want to feel like this, not at all, "We can work on it together, if you'd like."
Good, yeah, that, that may be good. To get rid of some of the anxiety. It was always there, constantly, in every social situation I was in. I never knew what to say or do, where to stand, what facial expression I should have been pulling, anything. Last week, just asking if the boys wanted to go out with Buzz and I had been possibly the worst case of anxiety I had felt in a long while.
"Is there anything else bothering you, about yesterday's events?" Natasha asked, like she could sense that I had a lot to talk about.
"I, it felt... wrong, in some ways." I hadn't ever done something like that before - been out for the entire day with my son, doing fun things. My wife had always been the one to take him out, I'd always stayed home.
"My wife, she always... she always said that I shouldn't go out with him. That I would bring the day down, and ruin it by screwing it up somehow. That someone needed to stay home, look after the house. Going out didn't feel... I felt like I should have been at home, out of the way, so everyone else could enjoy themselves." I would have spent the entire time longing to be there with Buzz, but that was what I was used to. I was used to being at home, watching from the outside, being kept away from the fun things. I wasn't used to being out in the middle of it, semi-taking charge of the whole day.
"Would you have preferred to stay in?" Natasha asked, I shrugged, I really didn't know, I didn't feel like I knew anything anymore.
"I'm sorry, I don't know, I honestly don't know." I really wished I knew, that I could give her an answer, but I couldn't.
"It's okay to be confused, and to not know how you feel about it. That's why I'm here, to help you." Natasha smiled reassuringly, going through everything she could with me in the time we had for our session.
We talked about how everything felt as I did them, what my instincts told me to do, and what I thought I had to do, deep down. We separated those feelings out into the conditioned responses my wife had taught me, what I really wanted to do, and how to make myself feel more comfortable in a similar situation. It was mainly all practice, everything was about practice, repeating things until I got used to it, until it felt normal.
And, one thing that Natasha insisted on, was trying to make decisions on my own. Taking some level of control back, even on small things. Like, not asking what everyone wanted for dinner, just picking something and making it, choosing to not do a piece of housework that I had done the day before, and doing something for myself instead. It was an uncomfortable thought, but Natasha thought it would be really beneficial to me to try it.
"You've had so much control taken from you, and have been forced into a routine that takes you away from the things you love. It's a hard thing to deal with, but taking back control will really help you in the long run. You've relied on your wife constantly for years, by taking back control, you're putting yourself in charge again, so you can have a say in your own life, in what happens to you. It's something everyone has the right to have, and you can have, you just have to reclaim it."