A/N: This is the second half of today's update, titled "Satan's Puppets". Go read the previous chapter if you haven't yet.

Stan groaned. His head hurt. His arms hurt. His legs hurt. Everything hurt. "Ugh… L-Lion?" he said groggily as he opened his eyes and stared at the ground beneath him. "Steven? Lars? Beryl?" Propping himself up, Stan looked around as his vision cleared up. What he saw greatly startled him, and he gasped as he fell onto his butt. "Whoa, shit!"

All around him was fire. Everything was burning. He appeared to be on a shore, only instead of ocean, it was lava. "Where the hell am I?!"

"I believe you've just answered your own question," a deep voice said from behind him. Startled, Stan turned around and found himself face to face with…

"Y-you're… you're the devil!" Stan exclaimed.

"I expected to see Kenny here, Stanley," Satan sighed. "I didn't think you would end up here so soon."

Stan looked around. "But where is 'here'?! What the hell's going on?!"

"I'm going to break it down for you, Stan." Satan gestured to the burning hellscape behind him. "This is Hell. You're in Hell."

"Hell?! But that means I'm—"

"Dead, yes."

"Oh my god!" Stan exclaimed. "They killed… ME!" Stan glared up at the cave's ceiling and shouted at the top of his lungs, "YOU BASTARDS!"

"Yes, it's very unfortunate," Satan said. "Now can you go wait in that line? We're SUPER backed up because of the war."

Stan raised an eyebrow. "The war? Am I back in 2018? I thought I was in the past."

"Newsflash, dumbass," Satan said condescendingly. "Death transcends time. You died in 1998, but Hell has no concept of anything besides eternity. There is no future, no past, only right now."

"Okay, Jesus Christ, you don't have to be such a dick about it."

"I'm Satan. Now get in line, kid."

Satan pointed to a very long line nearby, where several Canadians and Americans who had presumably been killed in battle waited. Stan groaned and walked to the end of the line. In front of him was a Canadian man. Slightly father up ahead, Stan could see former First Roommate Barbara Bush, as well as Avicii.

"So, what are you in for, buddy?" the Canadian asked.

"Uh, I think I froze in the cold depths of space," Stan answered.

"That's rough, friend. I was shot by an American soldier trying to protect my wife and kids. They are also here." The Canadian paused. "Your government fucking sucks, guy."

"Yeah, I know…" Stan groaned. He looked ahead. This line stretched for a while. "Guess I'm waiting…" he muttered. This was gonna suck.

Satan shook his head and walked ahead of the line, meeting up with Steve Bannon on the way back to their house. "We're so fucking backed up…" Satan muttered.

"We're going to be even more backed up if this apocalypse comes to pass," Bannon replied. "This shit is getting out of hand."

"Okay, look, if this apocalypse shit actually happens, we'll just rise up to the surface and reclaim Earth for the damned."

"We already did that with Florida, Satan," Bannon groaned. "It didn't help the overpopulation problem at all."

"Well it's all I can think of right now, okay?" Satan opened the door into his house and held it for Steve, who walked on ahead. "Something is better than nothing, right?"

"Ending the war between the Canadians and the Americans would be preferable."

"Fat chance, the Crystal Gems are fucking insane."

"Speak of the Devil," Bannon said as he glanced out the window. "Uh, not you. Her." He pointed to a nearby lava lake, at the edge of which a face we haven't seen in a while stood.

Lapis Lazuli sighed as she recalled her first days in Hell.

The first thing she noticed was the heat. At the time, she'd been confused, as it was a rather chilly day in Beach City. She noticed slightly afterwards, however, that she wasn't in Beach City. This place… she'd been here before, and although she didn't remember the exact circumstances of coming here, she knew what it was.

"I'm sorry," a deep voice behind her muttered. Lapis turned around, and was face to face with Satan. "Welcome back, Ms. Lazuli."

"I'm in Hell."

"Yes, you are."

"Am I dead?" Lapis asked. Satan nodded slowly, causing Lapis to gasp softly. She knew this stupid war would end badly for her… she shouldn't have come back to Earth. "...is Kenny okay?"

"Excuse me?"

"I died trying to save a boy named Kenny, from South Park. Is he okay?"

Satan slowly nodded again. "Yes. Kenny McCormick is alive and well. Your sacrifice was not in vain."

Lapis turned back around. "Then, I suppose I made the right decision."

Satan was at a loss for words. "You're serious."

"Yeah."

"You think saving Kenny was worth your own life? Seriously?"

"Yes."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"You're crazy."

"Nuh uh."

"Yuh huh."

Lapis glared at Satan. "Can we just get my eternal torment over with already?" she asked, rolling her eyes. "I have things to do."

"I- things to do?" Satan asked, slightly offended. "You're in Hell. This is eternal! Do I have to play the fucking song for you again?"

"No, I don't want to hear the song again," Lapis groaned, crossing her arms.

"Okay, well, look, I don't know what the fuck you want from me," Satan said as he glared at Lapis. "You know, we like to have FUN here in Hell, but if you're just going to be a frigid bitch the whole time, why bother?"

"Excuse me, I'm DEAD!" Lapis exclaimed, glaring at Satan. "I need some time to cope, thanks!"

"Whatever." Satan walked away and let Lapis mope. Lapis was then approached by Rose Quartz, who was watching the exchange from nearby.

"Lapis Lazuli?" Rose asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Your Crystal Gems shattered me."

"What?"

"Yeah, they were trying to kill a small boy."

"What?!" Rose looked horrified. "Surely you're joking."

"Oh, yeah, gee, I wonder where they got the idea that shattering other Gems okay," Lapis rolled her eyes. "They only did it because YOU did it first."

"Okay, but Pearl knows that I—" she stopped. "...is Pearl still there?"

"Yeah, she's leading this whole dumb crusade against the Canadians."

"The Canadians?"

"Are you going to keep asking questions?"

"You're dropping a lot on me at once!"

"I'm dead!" Lapis exclaimed once more. "You can't tell me I don't have a right to be pissed off!"

"Wait. Wait. You know the Crystal Gems?" Rose asked.

"Yes, and I hate them."

"And Steven?"

"Oh, he's fine, but the REST? Oooooh, I can't stand them." Lapis continued to glare at Rose. "Did I mention it's YOUR fault? Because it's your fault."

Suddenly, Rose and Lapis were approached by a large African American man in a chef's hat and apron. The word "CHEF" was emblazoned on the front of his apron. "Hello there, everyone!" the man greeted.

"Hey, Chef," Rose greeted.

"How's it goin'?"

"Bad," Lapis answered.

"Why bad?" Chef asked.

"I'm dead," Lapis repeated once more. "Doesn't anyone get this? Being dead sucks. It blows. It sucks AND blows."

Chef frowned. "Oh, I see the problem, now. You're new to Hell, aren't you?"

"Yes, I just died." Lapis pointed to Rose. "Her stupid cult shattered me. I was finally reunited with Peridot for, like, five minutes, and now I'm dead."

Chef put a hand on Lapis's shoulder and led her away from Rose. "Now I know, this is gonna be hard to deal with at first. But it's not so bad down here! I'll show you that even the damned can have a little bit of fun, with the help of some friends I made down here! Hey, fellas! Come on down here!" Michael Jackson, Barry White, and Bruno Mars soon arrived. "Meet my friends! Michael, Barry, and Bruno, this is…"

"Lapis Lazuli," Lapis greeted. She glanced at Bruno Mars. "Hey, wait a second, I didn't know you died."

"Yeah, yeah, don't tell anyone, it's a secret," Bruno Mars shushed. "I died alone in a Wall-Mart bathroom during a failed experiment in autoerotic asphyxiation. Nobody found my body. If nobody KNOWS you died, you can go back to Earth whenever you want. It's a neat little loophole."

"Oh," Lapis hummed. "I wonder if anyone saw me die."

Bismuth released some of the pressure, allowing Lapis to breathe. "Goodbye, Lazuli." Suddenly, she forced her foot down, completely shattering Lapis's gemstone and obliterating her metaphysical form.

Peridot screamed in emotional agony. "NO!" she shouted, tears rushing down her face. "No, no, no no no!" She ran over to what remained of Lapis as Bismuth walked away.

Pearl didn't look very good either. Actually, she looked mortified. "Oh my god… you… you… you just…"

"I taught them a lesson," Bismuth said as she pushed past Pearl. "If you want to deliver a message, sometimes, you gotta kill the messenger."

Lapis hummed again. "Hmm. Yup. Everybody definitely saw me die. That sucks."

"Hey, forget about the people on the surface!" Chef said. "You're down here now, and it's not as bad as you think! I'll tell you what. My friends and I will show you all the fun things you can do! Come on, gang!"

Chef and his crew showed Lapis all around the deepest pits of Hell. Together, they explored the nine circles of Hell, starting with the first circle, Limbo. It was exactly identical to Miami, Florida. "This is where most people go when they die," Chef explained. "I live a little bit further down. If you're lucky, you can spot a celebrity or two walking around! Look, there's the Kennedy's!" Chef waved to former US President John F. Kennedy, who was taking a walk with his son, John F. Kennedy Jr. "Howdy ho, Mr. President! Say hello to Jackie for me, will you?"

Lapis didn't know who John F. Kennedy was, but she WAS curious about another potential resident of Hell. "I'm curious. Where in Hell is Pink Diamond?" she asked.

Chef was confused. "Who the hell is Pink Diamond?"

Lapis shrugged. "Ah, whatever, it's not important. She was one of the leaders of my species, back on Homeworld, until she was shattered." She watched as Rose Quartz walked past. "She looked like her, only skinnier and with a worse haircut."

Rose turned around and glared at Lapis. "I'll have you know that Pink Diamond worked very hard on her haircut!"

"What? Why do you care?"

Rose stayed silent for a moment. "I don't care," she said finally, before turning back around and walking away at a brisk pace.

What a bitch, Lapis thought to herself as she was led by Chef to the next circle of Hell; Lust.

"This is Lust, the second circle of Hell!" Chef explained. "I live here!"

"What's so great about it?" Lapis asked. Suddenly, two completely topless women approached her and Chef. "Oh. That's what's so great about it," she said with a slight smile.

"Well, what do we have here?" one of the women asked in a sultry tone. "Sounds like you two need a little bit of tender love and care."

Chef groaned as he began to sweat. "Ooh, god damn, girl… sorry, sorry, not tonight, ladies."

"Awwwww!"

"I have to show my new friend around!" Chef excused. "I promise, I'll be back later!"

The other woman smirked, and looked at Lapis. "New friend, eh? Oh, we just adore new friends. Why don't you come with us, for a bit, we'll show you what lust is all about."

Lapis shrugged as the two women dragged her away from Chef. "It's not like I have anything else planned. Hey, do you guys have a bathroom anywhere, I haven't peed in, like, two thousand years." The women led Lapis into a building with bright neon signage above the door that read "The Peppermint Hippo", which confused Lapis. "Uh, hey, wait, this is a business back on Earth."

The first woman nodded. "The Peppermint Hippo's founder was a pimp by the name of 'Jizzy'. He was killed in California by a deranged gangster in 1992, and when he came to Hell, he opened another chain down here."

"You know, I've never been inside," Lapis pondered. "I wonder what—whoa." Lapis stopped in her tracks as she got a good look at what was inside—or, to be more precise, as she got a good look at what was OUTSIDE.

Several attractive demon women in very provocative clothing walked the floor, some carrying drinks, some attempting to "entertain" patrons. Their outfits left very little to the imagination. On a raised platform, dancing on a pole, was a demon wearing almost nothing at all—her top had been removed as part of her routine, and several patrons threw dollar bills at her while she made rather suggestive movements on the stage.

Lapis WANTED to protest the blatant objectification of these demon women… but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't slightly aroused by all of it. Besides which, they all seemed to be enjoying it, so more power to them. Lapis couldn't help but stare as a demon with rather large breasts, held back by a tight corset, walked by, her hips swaying to the music.

"These girls FEED off of the attention these drunken bozos give them," one of Lapis's escorts explained. "Lust demons thrive in this environment. Sexual energy sustains them, and the sleazeballs get to watch while they do their thing. It's a mutually beneficial relationship."

"I guess that makes sense…" Lapis said, putting a finger to her chin. "But I don't—whoa, wait, where are you taking me?" she asked as the corset demon started dragging her into the next room, through a door labeled "VIP". "What's a 'vip'?" Lapis questioned, pronouncing the acronym as if it were a word. "It sounds like a slur, I don't think—WHOA!" The demon pushed Lapis onto a seat. "What's the big id-" Lapis let out a soft gasp when she looked up.

The demon began to transform. She grew shorter, her red skin turned green, her horns disappeared, she grew a large Peri-fro…

She had transformed into Peridot, although she was still wearing her previous attire, with some modifications—on the corset, a large Yellow Diamond insignia was displayed in the center of her chest, with the point drawing attention to her cleavage. The demon's thigh high socks were now dark green, with Yellow Diamond insignias on each knee. The most striking change, at least in Lapis's eyes, was that the demon neglected to mimic Peridot's visor, leaving her heterochromic eyes—which the real Peridot was self-conscious aboot—completely exposed.

"Well, Lazuli," the demon said as she leaned forward, perfectly mimicking Peridot's Shelby Rabarian accent. "Do you like what you see?"

Lapis didn't look like she liked it at all. In fact, she looked rather sad. "Gee, thanks for reminding me what I left behind," she said. "Now I'm horny AND depressed."

The demon frowned. "Uh… ah, shit…" Lapis pushed her out of the way and walked towards the exit. "W-Wait!"

"And just for the record," Lapis said, turning back around, "I don't think Peridot even knows what sex IS. Know your character before you role play."

Lapis slammed the door, leaving the Peri-Demon all alone. She rejoined Chef outside. "Hello there, Lapis!" Chef greeted. "How's it goin'?"

"Bad."

"Why bad?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Just take me to the next circle of Hell or whatever," she demanded. "I don't want to be anywhere near Lust."

Chef looked confused. "Okay, then… follow me."

Next, Chef took Lapis to the third circle of Hell, Gluttony. Here, Lapis was surprised to see hundreds of adult humans who looked almost identical to Eric Cartman.

"Boy, that sure is a lot of Cartmans," she muttered.

"You know Eric?" Chef questioned.

"I've had the… er… displeasure of meeting him."

"Small world. This is probably where he'll end up, fat as he is."

The area erupted in dozens of simultaneous "EY!"s.

"God damn it, we're not fat, we're big boned!" one of the fat humans complained.

"Yeah!" another said. "You better respect our authoritah if you know what's good for you!"

"Okay, I'm bored, let's move on," Lapis said as she and Chef moved deeper into Hell, to the fourth circle—Greed. Here, they saw more Eric Cartman look-alikes, but they also saw lawyers, politicians, and celebrity businessman Donald Trump. Next, they went to the fifth circle—Anger. This circle of Hell was populated entirely by men with tiny penises, including several Eric Cartman look-alikes and celebrity businessman Donald Trump.

In the sixth circle, Heresy, they found all of the radio DJs that pretended to be prophets of god in the early 2010s. In the seventh circle, Violence, they found every serial killer ever, including Jeffrey Dahmer, who stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse, as well as Charles Manson, who was once taught the meaning of Christmas by Stan Marsh and his friends. In the eighth circle, Fraud, they found more lawyers, politicians, game developers Todd Howard and Peter Molyneux, and celebrity businessman Donald Trump.

Finally, they reached the ninth circle of Hell—Treachery. It was here that Satan himself resided, being the most treacherous of all. I don't have to explain that to you, right?

Anyway, Lapis and Chef came to the gates of Satan's neighborhood. Yeah, Satan lives in a gated community, a bunch of gangbangers and serial killers live two circles over and he wants to keep the property values up, fuck you.

So Chef and Lapis approached the gates. Ordinarily, Chef had to get permission to come in here, but as Lapis approached, the gates automatically opened. "Oh, wow. This must be where you live!" Chef commented. "Damn, you must've really fucked someone over in life."

"I can think of a few people…" Lapis muttered thoughtfully. "So does that mean I'm, like, queen of Hell?"

Chef blinked. "That- that's not what that—"

"Alright, queen of Hell, I can get used to this!"

"Lapis, you aren't the queen of Hell."

"Oh." Lapis looked depressed again. "That's… fine, I guess."

Satan approached Chef and Lapis. "Oh, it's you again. Are you coping, now?"

"No, this sucks."

Satan rolled his eyes. "Okay, well, listen, I forgot to tell you before I left, since you sacrificed yourself to save another, I'm technically supposed to give you one rule-free wish."

"I wish I was alive again!" Lapis said excitedly.

"Except for that. You can't wish yourself back to life. That's the only rule."

"Damn it! What's the point then?!"

Chef put a hand on Lapis's shoulder. "Now, Lapis, it's like I've been trying to tell you. Living down here isn't so bad. You'll get used to it, eventually."

"Whatever," Lapis said, shaking Chef's hand off of her shoulder and stomping off.

Back in the present day, Lapis still hadn't gotten used to it. She missed Peridot, Steven, and Pumpkin. And Craig. She missed Craig, too. Satan approached her. "Hey, are you just gonna stand in my backyard all day?"

"Yes."

"Look, one of those kids from South Park is here."

Lapis' eyes widened. She turned around. "What?! Who?!"

"Stanley. He was killed helping Steven escape from—" Satan grinned as he was pushed aside by Lapis, who started flying to Hell's entrance.

Stan, meanwhile, was still waiting in that long-ass line. Chef walked by, humming happily to himself. "Chef?" Stan said, confused.

"Hello there, children!" Chef greeted as he continued walking along. He stopped a few steps later, realizing something wasn't right. He turned around. "Ch-children?!"

"Hey, Chef."

"Stan! What in the god damn fuck is your dumb cracker ass doing here?!" Chef asked urgently. "This is not a place for children like you!"

"I don't exactly have a choice," Stan muttered. "I died."

"What's going on?" Rose Quartz asked, approaching Chef and Stan. Stan glared at her.

"Oh, great, you're here," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Do I know you?"

"You fucked my dad, you fat bitch."

"Mm, yes. You must be Bill Clinton's son."

"I'm Randy Marsh's son, asshole!"

Rose's eyes widened. "Randy?"

Stan nodded. "Yeah! The name's Stan Marsh, and I just got myself killed trying to save your son."

"Stan, there are so many things you don't understand," Rose said cryptically as she turned around and put her hands behind her back. "I loved your father. I'd have done anything for him. But he decided I wasn't good enough, and left me for Sharon."

"Yeah, he made the right fuckin' choice! Pink Diamond."

Rose's eyes widened. She turned back around and stared at Stan. "I- I don't know what you're talking about."

"You're just as bad as Pink Diamond."

Rose sighed in relief. "Oh, THAT'S what you meant. Well, listen, Stan, I do appreciate you sacrificing yourself to ensure that Steven can continue to live."

"I'd do it again—but not for you."

Lapis arrived. "Stan?! Stan! What are you doing here?!"

Stan's attention was drawn to Lapis. "Lapis Lazuli? You're here, too?"

"Well, yeah, isn't this where everyone goes when they die? Seriously, though, what are you doing here?!"

"I died trying to save Steven," Stan sighed. "Man, this fucking sucks."

"You need to get out of here, children!" Chef warned. "You have so much to look forward to, in the future! Don't ruin it by staying here!"

"But how?"

Lapis saw Bruno Mars walk by. She had an idea. "Stan," she began. "Where did you die?"

"In space."

"Did anybody see you?"

Stan shook his head. "It was just me and Lion out there, and Lion was knocked unconscious. Nobody saw me die."

Lapis nodded. "I see." Satan approached her. "Satan. I would like to use my wish."

"You get a wish?" Stan asked.

"I wish Stan was alive again," Lapis said. "Nobody saw him die. That means he's exempt from the rule, right?"

Satan nodded. "Are you sure about this?" he asked. "You can wish for ANYTHING else."

Stan shook his head. "Lapis, you already gave your life to save Kenny. Don't use your one wish on me. I'll be fine."

Lapis hummed. "Hmmmm. Nah. I'm gonna use it on you."

"So be it," Satan nodded. "Stanley… prepare yourself…"

"Wait!" Stan protested. "Lapis, Peridot misses you. Like, she REALLY misses you. She in LOVE with you, dude! At LEAST let me pass on a message, or something!"

Lapis knelt down to Stan's level. "Tell her to move on."

"What?!" Stan started fading away. "Oh, shit. Lapis, what the fuck are you talking about?!"

"She doesn't need me. She never did. She was fine BEFORE I arrived, she'll be fine after the war's finally over, too. But she HAS to move on."

"That's not happening."

Lapis shrugged. "She can do it."

"No, she can't."

"Yuh huh."

"Nuh uh."

"She's planning to fucking assassinate Pearl over your death!" Stan yelled.

Lapis was shocked by that assertion. "She is?"

"She's LITERALLY willing to commit murder to avenge you!"

"Okay, Stan, you have to listen to me. Tell Peridot NOT to do anything stupid!"

"Okay, time's up," Satan said, bored with the conversation. "Have fun being alive, Stanley."

"Wait! Stan!" Lapis called out as Stan faded away. "Tell Peridot to—" Stan was gone. "Damn it!"

Stan gasped for breath as air returned to his lungs. He rolled over and started coughing… Wait. He wasn't in space anymore. Still coughing, he realized he was lying on a metal floor. He turned around.

Steven, Lars, and the Off-Colors surrounded him. Steven had tears in his eyes, but he wasn't crying, yet. "Stan!" Steven called out, hugging the boy he still considered a friend despite their many differences. "I thought you… we ALL thought…"

"What the hell happened?" Stan asked.

"I- I went back through Lars's hair to thank you for helping us…" Steven explained. "That's when I realized Lion was knocked out, and you were drifting alone nearby. I brought you back into the ship, but you weren't breathing, and I… I thought… But now you're here! I didn't even have to turn you into a zombie or anything!"

"God, damn…" Stan muttered, gripping his head. "...were you GOING to turn me into a zombie?"

"Well, yeah, that's why I was crying, I was TOTALLY about to turn you into a zombie just now."

"Did you win the race?" Stan asked.

"THAT'S what you're worried about?!" Lars asked incredulously. "Kid. Seriously. You need to re-evaluate your priorities."

"We totally won," Crotchy the Peridot explained. "I mean, we cheated, but we still WON."

Stan glanced at the front viewport. They were approaching Earth. "Well, I guess we better go tell Morgan Freeman and PC Principal they can come back with us… but what about Lion?"

Steven sighed. "I have a solution to that problem… and I don't think he's gonna like it."

Steven and Stan stood in 1998 with PC Principal, Morgan Freeman, and the New Kid with Lion just in front of them as Steven explained the situation to Lion. "Okay, Lion, so, Stan and I found out there's a portal back to Lars in 2018 through your mane. Unfortunately, that means you can't come back with us to 2018, but I don't want to leave you behind. Sooooo, I need you to wait in a safe place for the next twenty years until I come find you. Is that okay with you?"

Lion blinked. Then, he yawned, and fell over, snoring.

"Is… is he just gonna sleep for the next twenty years?" Stan asked.

"I guess we're just lucky that the only thing Lion cares about more than me is getting his well-earned beauty sleep," Steven commented. "Buuuut we should probably put him somewhere safe, just in case."

Morgan Freeman stepped forward. "I know where we can keep him. Somewhere people will never, ever find him."

The group dragged Lion to the local Sears department store, which even in 1998 was struggling to stay afloat—and it would only get worse over the next twenty years. Here, they hid him in a handicapped bathroom stall and placed an "Out of Order" sign over the handle, knowing full well that no Sears employee cared enough to ever call somebody to come fix it.

They took turns entering Lion's mane, and soon, everyone was back on the ship. PC Principal, having never met aliens outside of Steven's friends, took off his sunglasses and stared at everyone. "Bro. This is some next level shit right here."

Stan tilted his head. "PC Principal, you've met aliens before."

"I'm going to be honest with you, Stanley. I thought the Crystal Gems were just cosplayers going hard."

"Right, but the Ads, and the—"

"And look at this!" PC Principal motioned towards the viewport. "We're in space! This, right here? This is fuckin' hardcore, bro. Elon Musk can eat a dick, please excuse my homophobic micro aggression."

Beryl smiled. "Wowie, this is the first time anyone's been excited to see me!" she exclaimed.

Lars frowned. "Steven… you said there was a war going on back on Earth. How bad is it?"

"World War III."

"Sheesh, I picked a bad time to come back home…"

Stan shook his head. "No, fuck you, you picked a GREAT time to come back home. If we're going to defeat the Crystal Gems once and for all, we're going to need all of the help we can get!"

Rhodonite looked worried. "I thought we were JOINING the Crystal Gems…" she said.

"You don't have to join ANYBODY!" Steven reasoned. "You're your own boss now!"

"With that being said," Lars continued the thought, "MY alliance was never with the Crystal Gems to begin with. I'll help STEVEN with whatever he needs help with."

"And WE'RE with Lars!" One of the Rutile heads exclaimed. "That includes anyone Lars is with!"

"Captain!" Army called out. "Our ship is being hailed by a Homeworld ship in Earth's orbit."

Steven frowned. "What's a Homeworld ship doing all the way out here?"

"And just one of them?" Lars asked. "Uh… onscreen."

Army pressed a button, and a video communication was opened with…

"Aquamarine?" Stan said in confusion.

"You know her?" Steven asked.

"Yeah, she kidnapped me and my friends a few months ago. Took us to some fucked up human zoo where they ate each other because their hearts were broken by 'Ga-Reg'."

Steven frowned. "Oops."

Aquamarine glared at the ship's occupants. "If you all are planning an invasion of Earth, I'd turn back now," she warned. "They're having a bit of a spat down there right now. I reckon it's only a few weeks before they go nuclear and make it entirely uninhabitable."

Stan stepped in front of the screen. "Aquamarine, it's me, Stan!"

Aquamarine raised an eyebrow. "Wait, are there humans on that ship?"

"Captain Lars, speaking," Lars addressed the other ship. "We, uh, stole this ship from Homeworld."

"Well then, it appears we have something in common," Aquamarine nodded. "I'd still turn back if I were you. Things aren't looking too good down there."

Steven shook his head. "We're not abandoning the planet, we're going to stop that war."

"Oh really? Well you won't be able to do that without orbital support." Aquamarine shrugged. "Tell you what. Topaz and I'll do what we can to help. The planet is rather pretty from space and I'd hate to watch it turn into a radioactive husk."

"Well, look at that!" Lars grinned. "We've got us some allies! Prepare for atmospheric re-entry."

Randy, Peridot, Kenny, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, and Garnet ran around South Park, looking for Stan. "Stan!" Randy yelled. "Stan, are you here?!"

Kenny glared at everyone. "I keep telling you, he's in—"

"Not now, Kenny!" Kyle scolded. "We have to find Stan!"

Garnet suddenly sensed something. "He's not in the same place he was before."

"What?" Kenny asked, confused.

"He's on a spaceship, now."

As if on cue, a spaceship began its descent on South Park. Everyone looked up at the sky and stared while it landed. Peridot narrowed her eyes. "That's a Homeworld star cruiser…" she muttered.

"Aw, god damn it, are your stupid fucking alien friends invading NOW?" Kyle asked. "Tell them to go away, we're busy."

Connie and Amethyst ran into Main Street. "Where's Steven?!" Connie asked.

"I thought he was with you?" said Peridot. "Wait, so we're missing Stan AND Steven?"

The ship completed its landing. The Crystal Renegades stared for a tense moment as seemingly nothing happened. Suddenly, the ship's doors opened, and everyone assumed defensive stances. They relaxed, however, when Stan stepped off of the ship, followed by Steven, PC Principal, Morgan Freeman, and the New Kid.

Lars poked his head out. "Hey, uh, I'm gonna find a better place to park this thing." He was suddenly very aware of the angry drivers parked behind him, all honking and swearing at him. "Sorry! Sorry!" The doors closed once again, and the ship took off in search of better parking.

Randy smiled, and let out a relieved breath. "Thank god… Stan, where the hell have you been?"

"Trust me, you wouldn't believe me if I told you…" Stan muttered. "So what's new?"

Peridot turned to face Garnet. "Well, one of the Crystal Gems defected to—" Garnet was gone. "Wait, where is she?"

Steven raised an eyebrow. Suddenly, he was tackled to the floor in an extremely tight hug. "Agh! Uh, what?"

Garnet was holding him. "Steven… I've missed you so much. I-I messed up!"

"Garnet?" Steven asked, his lungs being crushed.

"This is all my fault! The Crystal Gems are supposed to make the world better, not make it worse! We've lost our way."

Peridot scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Actions speak louder than words, traitor. You still haven't PROVEN to us that you're really intent on stopping this war."

Kyle crossed his arms. "Yeah! How do we know you aren't a spy, sent by the President to sabotage our campaign!"

Garnet dropped Steven and nodded. "I understand that it's going to take an extremely long time for me to regain your trust… but please. I just want to help." She looked down at Steven. "...Steven?"

Steven looked sort of uncomfortable, and he refused to make eye contact with Garnet. "I don't know, Garnet… they're right. It is sort of hard to trust you right now."

Stan glared at all of his friends. "Come on, guys. We're better than this."

"What do you mean?" Kyle asked.

"The Crystal Renegades were formed to try and get the Crystal Gems to back down," Stan reminded everyone. "And look at this! We have one of them backing down right now. What we're doing is WORKING. This is proof." The others didn't seem convinced. "Besides, we have weapons that can fight them, now, if she steps out of line it'd be really easy to take her out."

Peridot smiled. "Oh, yeah! We DO have weapons now! I forgot all about that!"

Kyle smiled as well. "Stan's right, you guys. If Garnet steps out of line… we can just kill her!"

The entire group agreed that this was a good idea… except for Garnet, who had a couple of objections. She didn't voice them for now, however, as she still had some business to take care of. "Where is Mr. Garrison?" Garnet asked.

"Mr. Garrison?" Cartman repeated, raising an eyebrow. "He's at the school, probably."

"Great. We need to talk to him, ASAP. He knows what's wrong with Pearl."

Randy nodded. "Let's go, then."

The group began walking towards the school. Kenny pulled Stan aside, however, to talk to him. Peridot saw this and decided to see what the conversation was about. "You know, Stan, you really had us worried," Kenny muttered.

"What do you mean?"

"Garnet said she saw you in some kind of… fiery place. With brimstone, and lava." Kenny sighed. "I was sure you had died. But I guess we were worried over nothing. That's all." Kenny turned around and started to walk away. Peridot shrugged, and followed.

Stan sighed as well. "...I did."

Kenny stopped in his tracks. "...what?"

"I did die."

Kenny blinked. "What do you mean you 'died'?"

"I died and I went to Hell," Stan replied.

"Hell?" Peridot said incredulously. "You can't be serious. That's old Homeworld superstition."

"No, it's true!" Stan tried to convince them. "I died… saw Hell… and came back."

"...came back?" Kenny said, suddenly WAY more worried than he was before. "Wait, wait. You DIED. And came back?"

"I know it's hard to believe, Kenny," Stan said dramatically. "But it's all true. I died and was resurrected."

"Holy FUCK!" Kenny exclaimed.

Peridot rolled her eyes. "Right, well, I still don't—"

"I saw Lapis."

"...what?"

"I saw Lapis, in Hell," Stan explained. "And Chef," he added, turning to Kenny. "Lapis helped me—"

"If this is a joke, it isn't funny," Peridot growled. "DON'T play with my emotions like this, Stanley."

"It's not a joke, swear to God!" Stan exclaimed. "She asked me to tell you… to move on."

Peridot shoved Stan. "You're not being funny, Stan!" Peridot yelled with tears in her eyes. "That's so unbelievably cruel!" She marched away, towards the school.

"...dude, what the fuck did I do?" Stan said.

"That wasn't nice, Stan," Kenny said, shaking his head. "That's low, even for us."

"I'm not fucking lying, Kenny!" Stan yelled, glaring at Kenny. "You're being an asshole, dude! You don't even know what it's like to die and then come back again!"

"Fuck you, Stan!" Kenny exclaimed, now super pissed off. He started marching towards the school, too.

"...god, why is everybody being such a dick today?" Stan asked nobody in particular as he started walking towards the school.

The group arrived at the school, with PC Principal leading them to Mr. Garrison's classroom. The New Kid and Morgan Freeman had both gone home, and Steven made a quick detour to Sears so he could pick up Lion, who had been peacefully sleeping, undisturbed for the last twenty years. Once everyone was ready, they entered the classroom.

"Mr. Garrison," Kyle said as he walked in.

"Oh, hello, boys," Garrison greeted, looking up from his papers to stare at the boys. "Did you have a question about…" Garrison's gaze moved upwards. The rest of the Renegades were here, as was Garnet. "...what's going on?"

Garnet stepped forward. "Mr. Garrison… where is Mr. Hat?"

"Mr. Hat?"

Kyle looked slightly annoyed now. "Mr. Hat? Really? THAT'S who we're looking for? His stupid puppet?"

"We need to speak to Mr. Hat," Garnet repeated herself.

Mr. Garrison sighed, and opened his drawer. "He's right… here?" The drawer was empty. "Mr. Hat? Where the hell did Mr. Hat go?!"

"What?" Kyle asked.

"Mr. Hat's just… vanished! He's gone!"

Kyle glared at Mr. Garrison in silence for a moment. "Fuuuuuuuck you!" he said finally.

"What?" Mr. Garrison turned his head to Kyle, slightly worried.

"Fuck you, Mr. Hat didn't 'vanish', you put him somewhere!" Kyle accused.

"This isn't good…" Garnet muttered.

"And fuck you too if you're in on this!" Kyle said, turning his attention to Garnet.

"Kyle, I've seen a lot of weird shit today," Stan said. "Maybe Mr. Hat DID really vanish."

"...fuck you! You're in on it too!"

"In on what?" Stan asked. Suddenly, he realized, and glared. "Oh, fuck you."

"Garrison, we need to see Mr. Hat," Garnet warned. "If he's not here, then—"

"If you're looking for Mr. Hat, you're wasting your time," another voice said suddenly. Everyone turned around to see… Cartman holding his left hand up like a puppet. His hand had eyeballs drawn onto it and lipstick smeared on its 'mouth'. "Mr. Hat is long gone, and now he's unstoppable."

Kyle glared at Cartman. "Fuck you, Cartman."

Cartman looked concerned. "Y-you guys, I'm- I'm not doing this."

"Fuck you, yes you are!"

"No, Kyle, I'm seriously not!" Cartman exclaimed. "It's—"

"Mitch Conner," Garnet finished Eric's thought. "I knew you had something to do with this."

Kyle glared at Garnet. "Fuuuuuck you!"

"What?"

"Mitch Conner is some bullshit persona that Cartman made up YEARS ago, and he can't just DROP IT!"

"Mitch Conner is an enemy the Crystal Gems faced many years ago," Garnet explained. "He latches himself onto a host and uses their inner hatred to manipulate them into doing terrible things. He and Mr. Hat originated from the same evil being. ...oh, and also Mr. Twig."

"Well done, Garnet," Mitch Conner responded, although he still just sounded like Cartman doing a stupid voice. "After all these years, we finally meet again.

"I'm afraid you're too late, however," Mitch said, suddenly appearing on Kyle's hand instead.

"Ah! What the hell?!" Kyle stared in shock at his hand.

"Kyle, knock it off," Stan rolled his eyes.

"No, I'm not doing this!" Kyle defended.

"Fuck you— what the fuck?" Stan stared at his hand. Mitch Conner was on Stan's hand now. "What the fuck?!"

"With the Crystal Gems fighting amongst themselves, Mr. Hat can finally achieve world domination," Mitch explained. "He's waited years for this."

"I'm confused," Steven said—before realizing Mitch Conner was now on HIS hand. He gasped. "Oh my gosh. He's on ME now!"

"I suppose I've taunted you all long enough," Mitch laughed. "So long, Crystal Renegades." Steven opened his hand and fluttered his fingers, and Mitch Conner was gone.

Kyle stared at Steven, mouth agape. "Dude. What. The. Fuck."

Randy looked at Garnet. "Is all of that true? Is Mr. Hat really behind all of this?"

"I'm afraid he is," Garnet nodded. "...and soon, it'll be too late to stop him."

"But where IS he?" Amethyst asked.

The Oval Office was empty, save for President Pearl and Vice President Bismuth. They both looked tired and depressed.

"...this war is not going as well as I'd hoped," Pearl admitted. "The English and the French have landed in Canada, and soon they're going to be pushing our forces back into the states. It'll be chaos. So much for keeping the planet safe."

Bismuth nodded. "I… agree," she was finally able to admit as well. "Even the fight against Homeworld wasn't this one-sided. At least back then everyone believed in our cause."

"We've gone so far, though," Pearl muttered. "Lapis Lazuli is dead because of us. Everyone I loved hates me now. Is there any turning back?"

Bismuth didn't have an answer. She sighed. "Pearl… I think it's time to surrender, and face what's coming to us."

Pearl nodded. "I don't know why I started this stupid war in the first place… I'm going to call the British Prime Minister and draft out terms of surrender with her. I need some time alone, first."

"Understood." Bismuth exited the Oval Office.

Pearl sighed, and stared at a photo on her desk of herself with the other Crystal Gems. "Steven… I'm so sorry it came to this. I hope one day you can forgive me."

"Giving up already?" a high-pitched voice said from somewhere in the room. "I thought you were better than that, Pearl."

Pearl looked around. "Who said that?"

"It seems I have to remind you who you are," the voice said. "You're a Crystal Gem! You never give up!" Pearl located the source of the sound. She opened a drawer… and found a small hand puppet, with a beard and a striped hat. "You'll do anything to protect Steven, won't you?"

"Of course! But—"

"If you surrender now, the British are going to nuke us," the puppet said. "Steven will be dead, and it will be your fault."

Pearl's eyes widened. "That… that isn't what I want." Slowly, she picked up the puppet and slid it onto her hand.

"Now I'll say it again. You're a Crystal Gem! You never give up! ...right?"

Pearl slowly nodded. "That's right… Mr. Hat," she responded in a slow, trance-like voice. "I'll never give up. I'll do anything to protect Steven."

Mr. Hat laughed. "Fantastic! Now then… we have work to do!"

"Of course… Mr. Hat…"

The Crystal Renegades were packing their bags. Randy sighed as he watched. "Are you sure about this, Garnet?"

"Mr. Hat is going to strike in Canada, next," Garnet explained. "We have to get there before he does."

"Just… be careful," Randy whispered. "I don't want to lose Stan."

"I promise, Stanley will be brought home safe and sound," Garnet assured him. "You can trust me."

"...I know."

The Renegades all lined up at the door. "Okay, guys!" Steven hyped them up. "We're going to Canada! Ready to save the planet?"

Tweek twitched. "Agh! Oh god!"

"There, there, Tweek," Craig assured him. "Everything's going to be fine."

"Okay, guys," Kyle said. "Ike is communicating with Aquamarine and Lars via satellite. If we need any assistance from the air, we need to go through him."

"Looks like we're ready, then," Amethyst said. "Come on, let's go!"

"Be careful," Randy said as everyone left. They were all gone. He sighed and sat down. "Guess there's nothing left to do but watch Food Network." Grabbing the remote, he changed the channel and started watching.

"Tonight, on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, Guy Fieri gets a stomach full of boogers and cum after posting a Yelp review!"

Stan opened the door and poked his head in. "Oh, by the way, when you had sex with Rose Quartz fifteen years ago she got pregnant and Steven Universe is your illegitimate son. Later." Stan shut the door, leaving a very wide-eyed Randy sitting alone in the living room. "Okay, let's go," he said to his friends.

"Steven's your brother?" Kyle asked. "Does he know?"

"Nah, I haven't told him, yet," Stan waved it off. "I'll tell him when this is all over and we can play catch or something, whatever brothers do."

Peridot approached the boys. "Come on, we have to go."

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Stan said. He and the rest of the boys walked ahead of Peridot, who sighed.

"It's finally almost over," she muttered. "I can do this."

"Yes, yes you can," a voice said. Peridot looked around to make sure nobody was nearby, and held up her left hand. "You're so close, Peridot," Mitch Conner said. "You're almost done."

"I just hope I can go through with it," she said. "I-I don't think I have it in me."

"Sure you do!" Mitch encouraged. "You and I both know that the only way to destroy Mr. Hat… is to destroy the host."

"And Pearl is the host," Peridot said. "...okay. I can do this."

"You sure can," Mitch replied. "Come on. The others are waiting. Don't let them see me. They won't understand."

"Got it." Peridot opened her hand and fluttered her fingers… and Mitch Conner was gone. "Alright. Let's do this." She followed the others to their destination.