Geminga 7 was a fucking nightmare.

As if it wasn't enough that the Galactic Federation was muscling in on her colonies, Yellow Diamond now had to deal with this idiot from Earth waltzing around in her palace like he owned the place. Saddam Hussein, who somehow made his way past her guards and into her life several weeks ago, managed to evade capture at every turn. She had no idea where he was now, but—oh, here he was.

"Hey, buddy!" Saddam greeted. "When are we gonna take over the universe? I'm really bored AND really horny!"

"You don't have any horns," Yellow Diamond groaned. Her Pearl suddenly entered the room in a panicked state.

"My Diamond!" Yellow Pearl yelled, leaning with one arm on the wall to catch her breath. Clearly, she'd jogged quite a distance. She also didn't need to breathe in the first place, so fuck this poser-ass-pointy-nose-ass-ten-finger-ten-toe-having-ass bitch.

"Quit pretending you need to breathe, Pearl," Yellow Diamond scoffed. "What is it?"

"Something terrible has happened on Earth!"

"That colony still exists?"

"Well, not as a colony, no, but the planet itself is still very much intact."

Yellow leaned back in her seat. "Then I don't care. Let me know when that treacherous Peridot has managed to get herself elected President."

"A Pearl is the President!"

Yellow Diamond would have spit her drink, if she drank, but of course she doesn't, because aliens gotta be all alien and shit, not giving a shit about mortality and basic biological functions and shit. "Excuse me?! A Pearl? PRESIDENT of the United Slaves of Amerigo Vespucci? Don't make me laugh, Pearl."

"I assure you, it's true!" The Pearl asserted. She stood up straight and tall. She was clearly confident in what she was saying. "One of the Crystal Gems has managed to rise to the most powerful seat on the planet! AND she's waging war against half of the humans on the planet!"

"Didn't you say you had TERRIBLE news?" Yellow asked, raising an eyebrow. "If she's taking care of the planet's rodent problem, I'd hardly call that bad news."

"Well, THAT isn't what I came in here to tell you," Yellow Pearl admitted. "Still, though, a Pearl is President! Isn't that neat?" Yellow Diamond glared at her Pearl. "Uh, I mean, a travesty! It's terrible, it's against God's will!"

"Wait, you guys believe in a 'god' here?" Saddam asked confused. "What the fuck. I thought you guys were fucking aliens, why do you even have a CONCEPT of god?"

"Quiet, you," Yellow Diamond scolded the rodent. "So what IS it you wanted to tell me, Pearl?"

"The Charlie Kindergarten's been activated!"

"The Charlie what-now?"

"The third Earth Kindergarten!"

"There were three Earth Kindergartens?"

Yellow Pearl was astonished. "HOW could you not know about this?! Earth was YOUR colony!"

"It was PINK'S colony. I intended to blast that eyesore to bits the moment she was assassinated by that mysterious Rose Quartz character." Yellow Diamond thought about it for a moment. "You know, during the war, we never saw Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond in the same room together. Why is that, do you think?"

"Look, the point is, somebody activated that Kindergarten, and it WASN'T us!" the Pearl clarified.

Yellow Diamond waved her servant's concerns away. "Ah, it was likely that worthless Peridot. She's returned her allegiance to me and is attempting to regain my favor by building an army."

"OR," Yellow Pearl countered, "she's building an army to DEPOSE you! Those new Gems won't be loyal to you! They'll be loyal to HER!"

"She would only do that if she were suicidal." Yellow Diamond thought about it for a moment. "Gosh, I hope she isn't suicidal."

"WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?!"

"Boredom, Pearl. I'm bored. I have the entire galaxy at my fingertips and it's BORING. Ruling an empire… is boring. I have a meeting tonight with a Mr-Slash-Missus Kang and Kodos Johnson of Rigel VII and THAT is going to be boring." Yellow Diamond sighed. "I almost miss the war. At least THAT was interesting."

This gave Saddam an idea. "Hey, if you got involved in that civil war the Crystal Gems are having, it might give you something to do!"

"Quiet, rodent!" Yellow Diamond hummed. "Hmm. Pearl. What if… we got involved in that civil war the Crystal Gems are having? But THIS TIME, we aid the rebels!"

"Why would we do that?" Yellow Pearl asked, confused.

"Because I'm bored of being rebelled against." Yellow Diamond leaned forward and grinned. "Helping the underdogs might be fun. Get me a direct line with the leader of the rebels."

"Of course, My Diamond. Right away." Yellow Pearl, though still unsure why she was doing this, left to go make the necessary preparations.

Steven, Peridot, and Dr. Mephisto stood atop the hill overlooking Ishpatina Ridge, now a barren wasteland. The two Gems looked depressed, but Dr. Mephisto looked quite proud. "Well, I think I've outdone myself here. I'm proud of the work we've done."

"How can you be proud of this?" Steven asked, stepping forward and gesturing out to the chaos. "Look at what we did! This place is a dump, now!"

"Didn't you say this was some sort of 'greater good' bull crap?" Mephisto countered. "There is no greater good than scientific progress. My only regret is that Peridot wouldn't let me add extra asses to the Quartz soldiers."

"Adding extra buttocks to a Gem's form serves no purpose," Peridot grumbled. "A Gem's hindquarters is more a detriment than anything else."

Steven quickly glanced at Peridot's rear end. "Well. I wouldn't say THAT."

"Steven, my eyes are up here."

"Sorry."

The trio stared at the Kindergarten a bit longer in total silence. Maybe two dozen Quartz soldiers were beginning to emerge from their holes, a process overseen by Amethyst. Peridot erased a lot of their loyalty programming once she found the proper protocols; it was bad enough they were bred to be soldiers, she didn't want them to be total slaves, either. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny arrived. Kyle was staring at his phone in worry.

"Oh, hello, boys," Mephisto greeted. "We were just basking in the glorious destruction of our natural environment to advance a vicious military campaign. How are you doing, today?"

"Kyle's brother won't answer any of his phone calls," Stan said. "He just went silent after we entered Canada."

"He's not responding to my text messages, either!" Kyle said. "It's like he's not even seeing them!"

Peridot shrugged. "You're probably not getting very good cellular reception in Canada. Here, you see that cave down there, next to the main injector?" Peridot pointed down the hill, to a small opening in the wall. "That's an old pre-war monitoring station. Peridots like myself used them to communicate with Homeworld during the first era. You might be able to boost your reception with a communication array in there."

"Great. Come on, guys, let's go," Stan said as he led his friends down into the Kindergarten.

"...I'm tired of those kids, are you sure we can't go to Springfield next?" Peridot asked when the boys were gone.

The boys walked past Amethyst as she observed the newly created Gems, who were beginning to exit their holes. Butters stood next to Amethyst and watched in awe. "So how's this going?" Cartman asked.

"We're about to find out," Amethyst replied. The first soldier, Aventurine, fully left her hole and looked at the desolate wasteland around her. She was of average height, with dark green skin and a muscular build. Her lime-green hair was spiked up, and a Pink Diamond insignia was emblazoned on the chest of her jumpsuit. "Heyyyy, friend, glad you could make it!" Amethyst greeted.

"Ugh, I hate Mondays," the newly created Gem groaned. "Can I go back inside, now?"

Butters' mouth was agape. "Jeeeeez! We made a whole new person!"

"You hate Mondays?" Kyle asked, bewildered. "You were just fucking born, you don't even know what Mondays ARE, AND it's a Wednesday, how can you hate Mondays already?!"

"Don't have a cow, man."

Amethyst smiled. "Oh, I'm gonna like these new Gems. Hey, newbie. We're in the middle of a war, think you can help us out?"

"Eat my shorts!"

Stan blinked. "Is… is she just quoting TV catchphrases?"

Amethyst laughed. "Oh, man, I can't believe Peridot actually put that in, I didn't think she would actually do it!"

Aventurine shrugged. "Hey, I just do what my protocol tells me, and right now my protocol is telling me that you guys are freakin' sweet." She glanced at Kenny, and pointed at him, laughing. "Haha, they killed Kenny!"

The boys stared at Kenny, confused. "No they didn't, he's right here," Stan said.

"Well, yeah, NOW he is, but just you wait!" Aventurine said, still chuckling as she continued to walk out of her hole. Other Aventurine soldiers emerged as well, each one quoting TV catchphrases.

"What the deuce?"

"One of these days, Alice, one of these days!"

"Hello, Newman."

"Dude, this is… pretty fucked up, right here," Stan muttered. Another Aventurine laughed as she walked past him.

"Hah! That one's a classic!" she said.

Stan shrugged at his friends, and they ventured into the nearby cave. "Let's just find that stupid radio or whatever so we can call your brother," he said.

"Hey, Stan?" Kyle tapped his best friend on the shoulder. "What are you gonna… you know, DO when you tell Steven that your dad's actually his dad?"

Stan sighed. "Look, let's face it. When this is all over, he's not going to want to go back to Beach City. It's pretty obvious that Pearl's gonna fight to the death on this war, so I figured… you know, maybe the other Crystal Gems might just want to move their base to South Park. Permanently. Peridot doesn't want to be anywhere near the barn she lived in, Garnet and Amethyst don't want to go back to that temple…"

"So, wait, you actually WANT to hang out with Steven when this is all over?" Cartman asked.

Stan blinked. "Well… kind of, yeah. At first I thought he was a big baby and kind of lame, but this Gem shit is really growing on me. Steven's cooler than I think you give him credit for. So, I kind of think… you know, they let Connie be a Crystal Gem, and she's just a regular human, so maybe…"

The other boys stopped. Kyle looked the most surprised. "Wait. You want to JOIN the Crystal Gems?"

"Look, they're basically space pirates that go around and save the world from evil alien shit. That's pretty badass." Stan sighed and glared at the ground. "Besides… if I'm anything like my dad, my life is going nowhere, fast. I think I was meant to do this, because what else am I gonna do? I don't have any other aspirations."

"What about sports?" Kenny asked.

"Yeah!" Kyle encouraged. "You're the most athletic kid in South Park!"

"Guys, I just… I don't think my life is going anywhere, okay? Protecting Earth with a bunch of aliens is what I think I was born to do."

"That's retarded," Cartman groaned. "Stan, you're living in a fantasy world."

"Look, will you guys just drop it? Sheesh, I want to be a part of my half-brother's life, is that really so crazy?"

"Yes," Cartman replied. "Stan… having a half-brother sucks major ass balls."

"Right, because you know what that's like," Stan rolled his eyes. Suddenly, he remembered. Then he blinked, and frowned, and stared at Cartman. "Steven is NOT like Scott Tenorman."

"Uh… guys…" Kyle interrupted the argument as he stared at something to his right. Walking over to the glowing object of his attention, he directed his friends to stare. "Look."

The boys were faced with a projection of the former logo of the Great Diamond Authority. Four simple geometric diamonds—Yellow, White, Blue, and finally, Pink—were on display. Pink Diamond's insignia was slightly faded out, but the rest of the logo looked as crisp and clear as an HD TV screen, and the image floated just slightly above the wall it was supposedly being projected on. Looking around, the boys saw four base stations around the projection, which appeared to be where the light was coming from.

"This must be an old relic from the Gem War…" Stan muttered. "Like, some kind of tribute to the Diamonds, or something."

Kyle was confused. "...why would they build a projector just to show a logo?"

"Hey, Kyle, over here," Stan pointed to the other side of the room, at a small control panel. "There's probably a signal booster somewhere here." He walked over to the control panel, and was joined by Kyle and Cartman, though Kenny stayed put and continued to examine the projector.

"Hey, you guys…" Kenny called out. "This was turned on recently." No response. They must not have heard his muffled speech. "You guys?"

Stan didn't turn around. "What is it, Kenny?"

Kyle continued to examine the control panel. "Yeah, what do you want, Kenny, we're busy."

Suddenly, the image behind Kenny began to glow spectacularly, with the Yellow Diamond insignia becoming the focus of the image. Kenny raised his eyebrows as the diamond expanded. "Guys…"

"Not now, Kenny."

"GUYS, YOU GOTTA LOOK AT THIS RIGHT FUCKIN' NOW!"

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman all turned around and glared at Kenny—and stopped glaring once they realized the image that was being projected had changed.

"You have been contacted by the Yellow Diamond Control Room!" the uptight yellow woman on the other end greeted. Kyle and Kenny didn't quite recognize her, though Cartman and Stan did, for decidedly different reasons altogether—Cartman because this wasn't the first time he'd been in a video call with her, and Stan because… well, he knew a lot more about Gems now than he did before.

"She kind of looks like…" Kyle began.

"Pearl," Stan muttered. "Well, not THAT Pearl, but, you know. It's a Pearl."

"Hmm. You four don't look like Crystal Gems," the Pearl hummed. "Did I call the right Kindergarten?"

"Look, we're kind of in the middle of something here, so if you don't mind—" Kyle started before he was cut off by Yellow Pearl.

"I've been tasked with contacting the terrorist organization known as the 'Crystal Gems' by Yellow Diamond herself."

"Well we're not—"

"Now hold on a second, Kyle," Stan pulled his friends away from the screen. "This is my chance to prove that I'm Crystal Gem material!"

Kyle groaned and rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on, Stan, this really isn't the time for that."

"We're the Crystal Gems!" Stan said suddenly, turning back to the screen. "Uh, some of them, anyway. I'm Steven Universe's brother."

Yellow Pearl blinked. "Steven who?"

"S-Steven Universe," Stan said, confused.

"I don't know who that is."

"He's—he's the kid who you keep trying to kill?"

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"You held a trial for him on Homeworld."

"Mr. Sanchez?"

"Who? No, Rose Quartz's kid!"

Yellow Pearl snapped her fingers. "Ah, yes, Rose Quartz! Why didn't you say that to begin with?"

"Uh-"

"My Diamond, Rose Quartz would like to speak with you!"

The screen suddenly switched perspectives, and the boys were face-to-face with Yellow Diamond.

"Ah, Rose Quartz, once again we meet at last," Yellow Diamond greeted. She then frowned, however, and glared. "You are not Rose Quartz."

Stan shook his head. "No, no, I'm Ste—uh, Rose's brother."

"Oh, for crying out—" Yellow Diamond yelled out to someone off-camera. "Pearl! This is not Rose Quartz, this is Rose Quartz's lover!"

"Wait, I'm not his—"

"Listen, I don't have time for you," Yellow Diamond interrupted.

"Yes you do! We're Crystal Gems!"

"You four are Crystal Gems?"

"Yeah! And that makes us mortal enemies!" Stan exclaimed. "So what do you want, uh, alien scum?"

"Well, we heard you were having a little civil war right now," Yellow Diamond began. "Your Pearl ascended to the throne on that planet, correct?"

"Oh, yeah, fuckin' TELL ME about it," Cartman complained. "That crazy bitch has been causing problems for like two months, we need to just kill her and get it over with."

"Shut up, fatass, the Crystal Gems don't kill people!" Stan chided.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize I was being so offensive to the Crystal Fags!" Cartman said with a disingenuously apologetic tone. "What, are you gonna put me in time out?"

"No, but I'll kick your ass!"

Yellow Diamond watched in awe as Stan and Cartman fought. "And for the record," Cartman argued, "I'm not fat! I'm big boned! You need to quit putting your panties in a twist, just because I think this obsession with joining the Crystal Gems is a little gay!"

"It's not gay, it's really cool and manly!"

"They're all a bunch of chicks, Stan, and all they do is sing and cry, what's manly about that?"

"Just… just shut your fat mouth, Cartman!"

"God dammit, don't call me fat, you buttfucking son of a bitch!"

"Fatass!"

"That's it!" Cartman started walking away.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Stan asked.

"Fuck you, fuck the Crystal Gems, fuck Steven Universe, and fuck this god damn war. I am done with your bullshit, Stan Marsh!" Cartman pointed in the direction of home. "Screw you guys… I'm going home."

"Fine, go, who needs you?!" Stan yelled out after his friend. "Ugh." Suddenly, he realized he was still on-call with Yellow Diamond, and straightened up. "Sorry, you were saying?"

"I'm sorry, was I interrupting something?" she asked.

"No, you're fine, Cartman's just a fat asshole."

"I… see…" Yellow Diamond attempted to forget what she'd just seen, but the image of that hideous human wouldn't leave her mind. "A-anyway, we'd heard about this little civil war and we decided to help. We would like to send several soldiers from Homeworld to aid your pathetic little rebellion."

The boys were immediately suspicious. "...why? What's the catch?" Kyle asked.

"Truth be told, I am absolutely APPALLED that a Pearl has risen to such a high office," Yellow Diamond admitted. "I don't like you and I don't want to help you. But if it keeps somebody as worthless as a Pearl out of power, I'll do it."

The boys looked shocked. "Dude!" Stan yelled. "That's really racist!"

"Seriously, dude, what the fuck?" Kenny asked.

"I don't think we should trust her," Kyle said. "We already have our own army, we don't need her."

"Now hold on a second, Kyle," Stan put a hand on Kyle's shoulder. "Maybe this is the common ground the Crystal Gems and Homeworld need to finally achieve galactic peace."

"Stan, that's really stupid."

"Look, Kyle, Steven told me that he wants the Diamonds to be the good guys eventually," Stan argued. "Why keep up this war with his home planet when they're offering to help us? And, like, if the Diamonds created Rose Quartz, and Rose Quartz made Steven with my dad, then that makes me, like, Yellow Diamond's nephew, or something."

"Right, but I don't think YOU should be the ambassador of peace for Gems, you're not even a Gem."

"If the President can reunite the Korean people after threatening to bomb them twenty times, I can be a mediator of peace for Gems." Stan looked back up at Yellow Diamond. "I accept your offer!" he said. "We need a hundred ships and a thousand soldiers."

"That's it?" Yellow Diamond asked. "That's a very small amount of—"

"Look, just send what I asked for to Washington, D.C., and we'll take care of the rest."

Yellow Diamond nodded. "Say no more. This planet will be liberated from the Crystal Gems in no time."

"What?"

"It'll be liberated from that Pearl's rule in no time."

"Oh, okay."

"I do warn you, though," Yellow Diamond gained a more sinister look as she said this, "I expect… compensation for me efforts here."

"Okay, yeah, sure."

"...r-really?"

Stan shrugged. "Yeah, whatever, we'll give you whatever you want."

"Oh. Well then. I shall be in touch." The call ended, and the projector once again returned to projecting the former logo of the Great Diamond Authoritah.

"Dude, we're going to give her whatever she wants?" Kyle asked.

Stan rolled his eyes. "Pffft. No. She's clearly trying to trick us, so we're tricking her back. She's going to help us, and then we're going to tell her to fuck off in return when she tries to take over the planet." Stan started walking out of the cave, with Kyle and Kenny following. "You see, that's the difference between me and the other Crystal Gems—I'm willing to trick people to get what I want."

"Neat!"

Meanwhile, in the deepest pits of Hell, Lapis Lazuli was re-arranging her new residence. "Hmmm… maybe I should move the vase over there, next to the window… oh, but then it'll block the fantastic view I have of the Styx…"

Chef suddenly entered. "Hello there, Lapis."

"Hey Chef."

"How's it goin'?"

"Bad."

"Why bad?"

Lapis sighed. "I can't figure out where to put this stupid vase. I wish Peridot were here, she'd know where to put it. She always did have the mind of somebody who really wanted to pretend they were an interior designer."

"Don't worry, Lapis, she'll be here soon!" Chef comforted her.

"...what do you mean?"

"Oh, you didn't hear?"

"Hear what?"

Rose Quartz suddenly barged into the room, startling both Chef and Lapis. "You two! With me! Now!"

Lapis turned to her with a confused look on her face. "Why? What's going on?" she asked.

"Please tell me you care about the wellbeing of Earth as much as I do," Rose said, grabbing Lapis's arm and sounding slightly exasperated. "I've been up and down every circle of Hell and nobody even cares!"

"First of all, don't touch me," Lapis said, shaking Rose's arm off. "Second of all, no, I don't really care about Earth."

"Well then at least tell me you care about the people ON Earth!"

"Sure, Peridot. Steven, and Kenny. What does that have to do with—oh!" Lapis let out a gasp as Rose dragged her out of the room. Chef followed.

"You really didn't hear the news?" Chef asked her. "Hell on Earth 2018's about to begin!"

"What?"

Rose sighed. "The Damned Army is going to march up to the surface in two weeks. There's some kind of apocalypse prophecy and nearly every single clause has been fulfilled."

Lapis frowned, and again shook her hand away from Rose's. "Wait, what?! I thought Satan said he didn't want to do that!"

"He changed his mind," Chef explained.

"Why?!"

"Because both sides of the Crystal Gems' civil war have proven themselves beyond redemption," Satan explained from behind Lapis. The trio turned around to stare at him. "I believed that all of this could be avoided as long as there was at least one team of good guys, but two weeks ago, the Crystal Renegades activated a Kindergarten in Canada."

"What?!" Lapis exclaimed. "That's crazy! Steven wouldn't do that! PERIDOT wouldn't even do that, and SHE'S the one who's always talking about how much she wishes she could have her own Kindergarten again!"

"Well fuck, I don't know what to tell you, maybe that fuckin' gay leprechaun went back on her word," Satan said dismissively. "The Crystal Renegades ALSO just teamed up with the Gem Homeworld to defeat Pearl, so… you know. Earth is pretty much fucked anyway, so we're just gonna go up there and fuck shit up, make a big show of it. See you topside."

Satan left, leaving a very shocked Lapis—and a very worried Chef and Rose—behind. "We HAVE to stop this," Lapis said.

"I'm glad you agree, because I have a plan," Rose said as she began walking towards the upper levels of Hell. "We're going to stop the final step of the prophecy from happening."

"How are we going to do that?" Lapis asked, following her. "We can't exactly do anything from down here."

"We aren't GOING to do anything from down here," Rose said firmly. "We're going to do something… up there."

"Up there?" Chef asked. "You don't mean—"

"The portal between Hell and Earth has been opened," Rose gestured outwards towards the gates of Hell. "We shouldn't be doing this, but we've been left with no choice. We're returning to the surface."

"Returning to the surface?" Lapis was rather excited by that prospect. "Does this mean I get to see Peridot again?!"

Rose sighed. "Lapis, the second we finish saving the world, we have to come back to Hell. While I can't exactly stop you, I would advise against making contact with anyone you may have known in life. It'll just cause unnecessary pain and emotional trauma."

"I don't know, I think seeing me die was pretty traumatic already," Lapis quipped.

"Exactly my point!" Rose argued. "Do you want to put her through losing you AGAIN?"

"I… guess not." Lapis stared at her feet as Chef and Rose continued onwards. "What exactly are we trying to stop?" she asked.

"The final piece of the prophecy states that when a nuclear weapon is detonated by a Crystal Gem, the armies of Hell will rise up and take Earth," Rose replied. "If we can stop that from happening, then the apocalypse won't come to pass."

"And who in the Crystal Gems would even have ACCESS to nuclear weapons?"

Pearl sat in the Oval Office, a hand over her face, and a hand puppet over her other hand. "Gee, Ms. President, do you really think the Crystal Renegades will ever come?" Pearl said out the corner of her mouth in a high-pitched voice. "I don't know, Mr. Hat," she replied. "None of them trust me. None of them understand that I just want to keep them safe." She opened her eyes and glanced at a medium-sized briefcase in a rough leather jacket, which was sitting on her desk. "Thank goodness I won't have to use that…" she muttered.

"You never know," Mr. Hat replied. "If worse comes to worse, you have the codes."

They were, of course, talking about the infamous Football, a briefcase kept near the President of the United States at all times where one could launch a nuclear strike with only a key and a passcode. During the height of the Cold War, the passcode was "00000000", which in hindsight seems kind of silly and super dangerous. Today, the nuclear code was Steven's birthday. How wholesome. :)

"It WON'T come to that," Pearl argued. "Once I've secured the Crystal Renegades' surrender—"

"Pearl," Bismuth said as she walked in. Pearl quickly hid Mr. Hat from view. Bismuth stopped, and raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "Who were you talking to?"

"Myself."

"Oh, okay. Well, the Prime Ministers of Canada and Britain, as well as the President of France and several other European leaders have agreed to meet with you in Copenhagen."

Pearl sighed, crossed her arms, and leaned back in her seat. "I suppose they'll want an unconditional surrender?"

Bismuth shook her head. "Well, no, actually. They've accepted one of my conditions. As long as the United States cedes the portions of Ontario that we control back to the government of Canada, and as long as we agree to pay for the reconstruction of Toronto and other cities that were damaged by the war, they're going to allow us to restore the pre-war borders." Bismuth sat down on the other side of the desk as she explained the situation to Pearl. "That means that the human citizens living in the US will be largely spared from the repercussions of our actions." She paused for a moment. "More importantly, it means that, no matter what, even if he refuses to return to Delmarva with you when this is all over, Steven will be safe."

Pearl sat up. "That's… that's fantastic news!" she said. "Oh, and here I was, prepared to… well, it doesn't matter, now. When do they want to meet?"

"As soon as possible."

"Well set up a meeting!" Pearl said enthusiastically. This was great! Her Plan A worked, which meant she could cancel her Plan B—the plan that Mr. Hat suggested—before anyone found out about it.

"And another thing…" Bismuth continued. "We've received a response from the Crystal Renegades."

Pearl's eyes widened, and she practically jumped out of her seat. "We did?! Do they forgive us?!"

"They've… agreed to meet with us at the White House," Bismuth said cautiously. "I wouldn't get your hopes up."

Pearl frowned as she heard a group of high-pitched laughs above her. "Ooh, 'member when Lapis Lazuli got shattered?" a Member Berry that had been pacing around on a shelf above Pearl's head laughed.

"I 'member that!" another said. "'Member when the government put all those Canadians in concentration camps?"

"Sure, I 'member that," a third Member Berry said. "'Member when Pearl had all those kids sent to Guantanamo Bay?"

Pearl's eyes widened, and she looked back over at Bismuth. "Uh…"

"What are they talking about?" Bismuth asked.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, 'member when she separated those kids from their parents and locked them in cages?" the first Member Berry asked.

"Ooooooh, I 'member that, that was fantastic!"

"You locked those kids in CAGES?!" Bismuth asked horrified.

"Look, how was I supposed to know that they would mistreat people at Guantanamo Bay?" Pearl asked defensively. "I needed a Plan B, in case these peace talks didn't work out."

"And your Plan B involved sending kids to GUANTANAMO BAY?!" Bismuth asked for further clarification. "What the hell kind of plan is that?!"

"Well… what kind of plan is MURDERING Lapis Lazuli?" Pearl asked. Bismuth was taken aback by the question, and Pearl chuckled nervously and sat back down. "We're both guilty of terrible things, Bismuth. If I go down, YOU go down. So you'd better keep your mouth shut."

"Pearl, you need to release those prisoners immediately," Bismuth said softly. "I don't know what the hell's gotten into you, but we AGREED already that we're both going to stand down and accept whatever punishment the rest of the world has for us. This is only going to make things worse."

Pearl's glare softened. Horrified at what she was doing and how she was acting, she gasped and put her hands over her mouth. "What have I become…?" she asked herself softly. She sighed once more and released her grip on her own mouth. "I just wanted to do the right thing, and now…"

"Look, we can still fix this," Bismuth assured her. "You just have to make sure those kids get released."

Guantanamo Bay, meanwhile, was as busy as ever. The guards were excited to finally have new children to torture for the first time since the Bush administration. One disappointed guard was assigned to question former President Garrison, who had once again gone back to teaching fourth graders. Mr. Garrison sat at the interrogation table, hands cuffed, a smirk on his face. "Oh, PLEEEEASE don't violate my rectum," Garrison 'begged'. "I sure do hope you don't plan to stick a tube up my ass. That would be SOOOOO unpleasant."

The interrogator sighed. "Mr. Garrison, please just answer my questions."

"I'll never talk! You'll have to torture it out of me!" Garrison said defiantly. "Maybe—Maybe by taking a can of gasoline and using a funnel to feed it directly into my anus."

"Mr. Garrison, the security of the United States is at stake. We need to know how much classified information you gave the Crystal Renegades."

Garrison rolled his eyes. "I didn't tell them shit and they never told me shit. Their leader, Peridot, wanted to fuckin' kill me. I had nothing to do with them." He paused. "Of course, if you torture me, say, by whipping me and dripping hot candle wax across my back, maybe that answer will change."

"We don't intend to violate you sexually, Mr. Garrison," the interrogator said.

Garrison frowned. "Y-you don't?"

"No. Now can you please—"

"What the fuck do you mean you don't intend to violate me sexually?!" Mr. Garrison asked, glaring. "That's the whole fuckin' deal with this place, if you aren't forcing a nightstick up my ass, or making me drink bleach through my urethra, then what's the god damn point?!"

"Okay, this is clearly going nowhere," the interrogator groaned as he stood up. "Thanks for wasting my time." He slammed the door on his way out, and a rather frustrated Mr. Garrison slammed his fist on the table.

"God damn it!"

This anger stayed with Mr. Garrison throughout the day. After the interrogation, he was made to return to the outdoor processing area, where all of his students, Randy Marsh, Gerald Broflovski, and several of South Park Elementary's faculty were waiting in the humid Cuban heat as well.

"Well? What happened? M'kay," Mr. Mackey asked.

"These fucking bastards wouldn't even TOUCH me," Mr. Garrison lamented. "Too afraid to get their hands dirty."

PC Principal tilted his head. "They refused to waterboard you?"

"Oh, no, they waterboarded me," Mr. Garrison said. "And that was, like, whatever, I got half a chub from that, but not ONCE did they stick a flashlight up my ass. Not even WITH lube! What a waste of time."

Randy, meanwhile, was slamming his fists on the fence. He was sweating, his hair was messy, his overshirt was unbuttoned, and his beard was grown out, making it seem like he'd been there for months. "No! You have the wrong guy, I'm telling you!" he shouted. "I'm not Steven Universe's father! That fat bitch is a liar! Billie Jean! BILLIE JEAN! AHHHHH!"

"Give it up, Randy," Gerald Broflovski groaned.

The students of South Park Elementary gathered in a corner of the camp as they discussed what to do next. "So what the hell are we gonna do now?" Clyde asked. "We're all stuck here and the Crystal Renegades are gonna be walking into a trap."

"We have to think of something," Wendy said. "Heidi, any ideas?" No response. "Heidi."

"Huh?" Heidi Turner had zoned out.

"You're one of the smartest people I know," Wendy continued. "Surely YOU know a way to get us out of here?"

"I don't know what you all are looking at ME for," Heidi replied. "I had nothing to do with the Crystal Renegades. I don't even know why I'm here."

"You're in here because you dated Eric Cartman," Token pointed out.

"Well, yeah, datED. Past tense."

"You don't have ANY ideas?" Wendy asked again.

Heidi sighed and rolled her eyes. "Look, I have ONE idea, but I don't know if it's gonna work."

"Well WE don't have ANY ideas," Bebe pointed out. "SOMETHING is better than NOTHING."

Heidi sighed again. "Alright. Here goes. This is something I learned from Eric."

"Oh boy," Clyde groaned.

Heidi approached Mr. Garrison, who sat with PC Principal and Mr. Mackey as he grumbled about the situation. "Mr. Garrison?"

"What do you want, Heidi?"

"Well, I was just wondering…" Heidi paused for a second. "Are you giving up?"

"Well, Heidi, it doesn't seem like we really have a choice," Garrison lamented, glancing up at PC Principal, who nodded. "We're in Cuba. We can't really do anything, now."

"Wow, Mr. Garrison, I didn't know you were such a quitter," Heidi retorted.

"Heidi, that's unnecessary, m'kay," Mr. Mackey scolded.

"Yeah, Heidi, if you're gonna be a little turd ball, can you do it somewhere else?" Garrison said. "I'm not in the mood."

"Fuckin' pussy."

"Excuse me?"

"I should have known you'd give up," Heidi continued. "You've given up on everything else. You gave up being a writer, you gave up being a teacher, you gave up being a WOMAN for Christ's sake."

"I did not GIVE those things UP," Garrison argued. "Those things were TAKEN from me."

"You TRIED to give up being the President," Heidi kept tearing into him. "Then, when you got elected anyway, you ran away from your duties until they had to remove you from office. What happened to Making America Great Again, Mr. Garrison? It took you a whole year to actually pass some worthwhile fucking legislation. And after that, all you did was bitch about how there was a Witch Hunt after you."

"Heidi, you're really starting to piss me off," Garrison threatened, standing up.

"And now that there's an ACTUAL Witch Hunt, you're backing down?" Heidi asked. "Gee, Mr. Garrison. Everyone was right. You ARE a huge pussy."

"Well what the fuck do you want me to do about it?!" Garrison shouted. "Huh?! You want me to find the people responsible and—"

"Fuck them all to death?" Heidi asked. "As if. You'll just wuss out again."

"Oh yeah?!" Garrison was really riled up now. "Fucking watch me! Hey, kids!" Garrison marched to the center of the court and started to address his students. "What the hell are you all sitting around, for? We have work to do!"

PC Principal stood up. "Mr. Garrison is right. We can't give up now!"

"Now I don't know about you guys, but I am REAL FUCKIN' SICK of being pushed around by those bureaucrats in Washington!" Garrison shouted. "They locked us up in Guantanamo Bay! That PISSES ME OFF, and it should piss YOU off, too!"

"But what can we do, m'kay?" Mackey asked.

"I don't know. Hey kids!" Garrison called out to his students. "What are we gonna do?!"

"Fuck them all to death!" the students shouted in unison.

"I can't hear you!"

"Fuck them all to death!" the students repeated, louder this time.

"PC Principal, what are we gonna do?"

"Fuck them all to death?" PC Principal asked.

"Mackey?"

"Fuck them all to death, m'kay."

"We are going to get out of here," Garrison announced, "and when we do, I will not rest until everyone responsible for PUTTING us here has been fucked dead!"

Randy, having been snapped out of his stupor, stared at Mr. Garrison. "Hey, yeah! Fuck them all to death!" he yelled.

"Fuck them ALL to death!" Gerald yelled.

"Fuck them all to death!" the kids chanted. "Fuck them all to death!"

"And we aren't gonna stop there!" Garrison yelled. "'Cause the second I'm back in office, I'm gonna create a Space Force! And we're gonna go to the Gem Homeworld, and we'll fuck them! They'll all die too! Say it with me kids, fuck them all to death!"

"Fuck them all to death!"

PC Principal and Mr. Mackey enthusiastically joined the chanting at this point as well. "Fuck them all to death! Fuck them all to death!"

It was at this point that the guards in charge of the detention area were approached by General Revaur. "I have new orders from the President," he declared. "These prisoners are to be freed."

One of the guards looked over at the crowd of prisoners, who were still chanting "fuck them all to death". "Are- are you sure that's what she wants, sir?" he asked.

"Yes, she was quite clear, she wants to make amends with her enemies and atone for her wrongdoings."

The guards once again stared at the restless crowd, which was still chanting "fuck them all to death." "Sir, I don't think think these guys want to make friends."

"Well, the President wants them released, so…" Revaur waltzed up to the door and simply… opened it. The rabid crowd charged the now-open door, cheering.

"Yeah! Fuck them all to death!" Mr. Garrison shouted. "We're going to Washington, they'll all fuckin' die!"

All of the guards stared blankly at the now-empty detention center. "Well, that's my job done," Revaur said. "Anybody wanna go grab some Cuban pussy?"

Rose, Lapis, and Chef approached Washington, DC. The Washington Monument dominated the skyline; Rose sighed.

"I've missed it up here…" she said dreamily. "Isn't Earth just brilliant?"

Lapis shrugged. "Eh. It's okay."

"So what's the plan, Rose?" Chef asked. "How in the god damn hell are we supposed to stop a nuclear war?"

"If what I've heard is true," Rose began, "then Pearl is now the President of the United States, which means SHE'S the only Crystal Gem who COULD detonate a nuclear warhead." She sighed. "God, what's happened to her? Ordinarily she wouldn't even THINK of doing something so terrible. Unless I asked her to, in which case, she probably would have done it."

Lapis glared at Rose. "Sheesh, you're a real piece of work, aren't you?"

"Excuse me?"

"'Unless I asked her to?' If I'd asked Peridot to do something like that, she'd have said no, plain and simple." Lapis placed an accusing finger on Rose's chest. "You know, there's a lot about you that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Why is it that Pearl seemed COMPELLED to do anything and EVERYTHING that you would have wanted her to do?"

"Because she-"

"DON'T say it's because she loved you," Lapis cut her off. "It's more than that, and before this is all over, I'm going to find out what."

"Shh!" Rose shushed Lapis. "Get down!" She dragged Lapis and Chef down behind a bush.

"What the hell was that all about?!" Lapis said in a hushed tone. She peeked her head out of the bush. "...oh."

The Crystal Renegades-Steven, Peridot, Connie, Garnet, Amethyst, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Butters, Tweek, and Craig-happened to be walking nearby. "The White House is just a little farther ahead," Kyle muttered. "We just need to-" Kyle's attention was drawn by another group of people nearby… "...Ike?"

Ike and his Ruby team also happened to be heading to Washington. Ike turned his head to face Kyle, and he smiled… Steven thought so, anyway. It was hard to tell, what with the flappy head and the beady eyes, but he was pretty sure the Canadian toddler was happy to see them. "Kyle!" Ike yelled, running to hug his brother.

"Ike, what happened?" Kyle asked. "Why aren't you in South Park?"

Doc stepped forward. "It was horrible! The town was INVADED!"

Peridot raised her eyebrows. "Invaded? By who? The Canadians?"

"Bird-nosed bitch!" Ike yelled angrily.

Steven's eyes widened. "Wait, Pearl sent the army into South Park, and then they locked all of the Crystal Renegades up in Guantanamo Bay?!"

"J-JESUS CHRIST!" Tweek screamed. "What the fuck, man?!"

"You got all of that from 'bird-nosed bitch?" Peridot asked.

Steven shrugged. "I think talking to babies was one of my mom's powers."

Lapis, still hiding in the bush, glanced over at Rose, who shook her head. "Actually, I just learned their language," she whispered.

"So, you're right here, and Steven's over there," Lapis whispered back. "Isn't that going to break space and time, or something?"

"That's not how that works, no."

"Steven, that bush is talking to herself," Peridot pointed out.

"Hmm? Peridot, bushes don't talk, don't be ridiculous."

"Oh, okay then." Peridot turned to glare at the bush. "Hey! You! Bushes don't talk, so cut it out!"

"Look, we don't have time for this," Kyle tried to bring the group's attention back to the matter at hand. "If what Ike is saying is true, we have even less time than we thought we did. We have to get to Pearl's office, NOW."

"You guys go on ahead," Craig said. "Tweek's a little freaked out right now, I'm gonna try and calm him down a bit."

"Be careful, guys," Stan warned. "You never know who's lurking around the corner."

"Or behind the paradoxical talking bush," Peridot added.

The rest of the group began the final trek towards the White House; Butters nervously sang "Loo, loo, loo," as they got closer. Tweek and Craig, meanwhile, stayed behind.

"Everything's going to be okay, Tweek," Craig said in his usual dull tone. "Our friends are going to go kick the President's ass and then everything is going to go back to normal."

"Nngh!" Tweek said involuntarily as he twitched. "I don't know, Craig… I can't help but feel like something really, really bad's about to happen! Like there's just more bad news around the corner!"

Meanwhile, in the bush, Rose, Lapis, and Chef listened in on the conversation. Rose hummed. "Hmmm. How are we supposed to get into the White House if the exact people we're trying to avoid are ALSO in the White House?"

Lapis peeked her head out of the bush once more, and stared at Tweek and Craig. "Maybe WE don't have to get in there."

Chef nodded. "As long as SOMEBODY gets the nuclear football away from the President, our job is done. It doesn't matter WHO does it."

Rose placed a finger on her chin. Her eyes widened when she realized Lapis was standing up. "Wait, Lazuli, what are you doing?"

Tweek twitched and stared, wide-eyed, at the bush. "AGH!"

"What?" Craig asked. "What is it?" Then, he heard the bush rustle, and more voices coming from it.

"No, don't…!"

"Who's there?" Craig asked. "You're freaking my boyfriend out, and you're starting to piss me off."

Lapis stood up, and, smiling sheepishly, stepped out of the confines of the bush. "Craig! Tweek! Hi, it's… it's been a while."

Tweek started screaming. "AHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Chef stepped out as well. "Now now, children, there's no reason to panic!" This, of course, caused Tweek to panic even more and scream even louder.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH CRAIG! WHAT THE FUCK, CRAIG?!"

"No, no, don't scream!" Lapis begged. "It's okay, it's me, Lapis Lazuli!"

"THAT'S WHY I'M FREAKING OUT!" Tweek yelled. "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!" He pointed to Chef. "AND YOU! YOU'RE DEAD, TOO!"

"Aw, weak, zombies," Craig groaned. "Are you gonna eat our brains?"

"No, no, we're not zombies!" Lapis denied. "We're, uh… spooky ghosts. Boo."

"You're not helping," Chef said, glaring at Lapis. "OBVIOUSLY, if we were zombies, we'd scare them less because zombies can be killed. You can't kill a ghost!" By this point, Rose had joined the two spooky ghosts.

"Actually, we've risen from the depths of Hell where we'd been condemned," she said. "We have unfinished business on Earth that we have to take care of before we can go back to Hell."

"Oh, okay," Craig said, seemingly getting it. "So you're here to kill Pearl and Bismuth, right?"

"Well, no, but we ARE here to stop them," Lapis said. "There's just one problem…"

"If we reveal ourselves to any LIVING people, we'll just break their hearts," Rose lamented.

Lapis nodded. "Steven, Peridot… even Pearl," she added, casting an aside glance to Rose. "They all loved us, and if we show ourselves to them, only to leave once our work here is finished, they'll be heartbroken."

"So why are WE the exceptions?" Craig asked. "How come you can show yourselves to US?"

"Oh, that's easy," Lapis said. "It's because you two HATE ME."

Somehow, that pissed Craig off even more. "Wait. Wait. You KNEW we couldn't stand you?!"

"Well, yeah, it was sort of obvious."

"Then why did you keep trying to ask us for help?!" Tweek asked. "Why didn't you just go away?!"

"Because I have an inferiority complex and I desperately crave acceptance and validation from those around me," Lapis explained. "...was this not obvious?"

"No!" Tweek exclaimed.

"Look, are you two going to help us or not?"

"If we help you, will you promise to leave us alone?" Craig asked.

"Pinky promise," Lapis replied. "I will never, ever, EVER bother you again after this."

Craig thought about it. This was a VERY tempting offer. Finally, he rolled his eyes. "What do you need us to do?"

The Crystal Renegades, minus Tweek, Craig, and Cartman (whose disappearance had not gone unnoticed, though Steven admitted to himself they'd probably get a lot more done here without him) finally arrived at the White House. They were stopped at the gate on Pennsylvania Avenue by an officer with the Capitol Police. "Stop! What, you think you can just waltz in here?" he asked.

"We've done it before," Stan said quietly. "When did they change the rules?"

"I need to see some identification."

"Let them in!" another voice from further down the lawn said. The group turned in mild surprise. Peridot glared.

Pearl and Bismuth were marching their way.

"Are you sure, Ms. President?" the security guard asked. "They're—"

"They're old friends," Pearl interrupted. "Steven, Garnet, Amethyst… Peridot… welcome."

"Up yours," Peridot muttered.

"We're here to end this war once and for all," Garnet declared.

"And what better a day than Independence Day?" Pearl asked. "Trust me when I say I'm tired of the fighting, too. I've already spoken with the Canadian government. The terms of surrender have been laid out. The only people left to make peace with… are the ones who I should have listened to from the very beginning."

Amethyst and Peridot cast each other confused, disbelieving glances. "You... still have a lot to answer for," Peridot said finally.

"Of course we don't expect immediate forgiveness right away!" Pearl said. "I just want you all to give us one more chance to prove to you that we can be the good guys again."

Bismuth nodded. "Peridot… from the bottom of my heart, I want to apologize for what happened to Lapis Lazuli. It was a power move… one that I didn't need to make."

"Yeah, well, hindsight is always 20/20," Peridot muttered. "That won't bring her BACK, though."

Pearl and Bismuth shot each other worried glances. "Peridot…" Pearl muttered. "You're right. There are some things we can't undo. But…" Pearl trailed off and looked into the distance. "...what's he doing over there?"

Steven, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turned around. Cartman was walking towards them. "Cartman?" Stan asked. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Cartman stopped to catch his breath. "You guys… don't worry… I did it…"

"Did what?" Steven asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I told all the Quartz soldiers they could come over here now."

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Steven immediately recoiled. "Cartman!" Steven said in a hushed tone. "Be quiet—!"

"Quartz soldiers…?" Pearl asked.

"Yeah, we activated a Kindergarten so they could come over here and kick your ass," Cartman said matter-of-factly.

"What?!" Bismuth said in shock. "You did WHAT?!"

"Cartman! Shut up!" Kyle chastised.

"You all activated a Kindergarten?" Pearl asked. "Why? Why would you do that?"

"Duh, cuz we're here to kill you," Cartman said, rolling his eyes.

The group turned around in horror. The Aventurine soldiers were marching over the hill, all chanting TV catchphrases.

"Oh my lord, they really did it…" Pearl said, horrified. "We… we're not the ones Earth needs to be protected from…"

Bismuth glared at the Crystal Renegades. "You're no better than Homeworld!" she accused.

"Oh yeah, that reminds me," Cartman continued. Before he could finish his thought, however, several Homeworld battleships entered the planet's atmosphere and surrounded the White House.

"Attention Crystal Renegades!" Yellow Diamond's booming voice could be heard from the lead ship. "Your backup has arrived!"

Steven stared into the sky in horror. "W...what?! We didn't do that! Who contacted HOMEWORLD?!"

"Stan did," Cartman said, pointing at Stan. "I told him not to, but he didn't listen to me. It was all his idea."

"Cartman!" Stan yelled, annoyed.

"You did WHAT?!" Steven yelled. "Are you SERIOUS?! That might be the dumbest thing you've ever done!"

"But- but you're always talking about how you want peace between the Crystal Gems and Homeworld," Stan said meekly.

"Yeah! I mean I want them to LEAVE US ALONE, not that I want to TEAM UP with them! What were you THINKING?!"

"I thought, you know, if I did this, maybe you'd think I was Crystal Gem material…"

"Well you thought wrong!" Steven yelled. "Stan Marsh. You will never, EVER be Crystal Gem material!"

Pearl and Bismuth, meanwhile, were focused on the Homeworld ships and advancing army. "None of you are Crystal Gem material…" Pearl muttered. "All of you did the things we as Crystal Gems sought to prevent!"

"We did this to stop YOU!" Peridot growled. "YOU'RE the one who's out of control! You FORCED OUR HAND!"

Suddenly, Pearl raised her left hand, which had Mr. Hat over it. "They're going to kill you, Pearl!" she said out of the corner of her mouth.

"So, we meet again!" Mitch Conner said from Peridot's left hand. "Time to die, Hat!"

Pearl summoned a spear from her Gem and tapped Bismuth's shoulder. "Bismuth, come on, we need to get to safety."

"Right!"

Pearl and Bismuth turned around and started running across the lawn, towards another part of Washington—but stopped when they saw the crowd of students, teachers, and parents approaching. Mr. Garrison led the charge, once again dawning his blonde toupee and orange spray tan. "Yeah, fuck them all to death!" he chanted.

Pearl and Bismuth looked towards the White House, and started to run into the mansion.

"Get back here, Pearl!" Peridot yelled. "You can't run forever! You knew this was coming!" She ran after them into the White House.

Steven looked like this was all a little too much for him. Regardless, he called out after Peridot, and began to follow. "Peridot, wait! Don't hurt them!" Steven stopped when he realized Stan was also following. He turned and glared. "Don't you think you've done enough?" he spat. "Just… go home, Stan!" Steven turned back around and ran into the White House, with Garnet, Amethyst, and Connie following him.

"Shit!" Stan yelled. "Now he hates me!"

"Man, you really screwed up, big time," Cartman chided, earning a glare from everyone else. He seemed oblivious to this.