A/N: Sorry for the EXCRUCIATINGLY long wait. I've never written a story this long before (pretty sure it's longer than some of the fuckin Harry Potter novels) and I think this story got too big for its own good. The second half isn't nearly as good as the first half was. That bummed me out a bit and I was seriously burned out on writing-the same thing happened with my previous story, pretty sure there's a connection there. If I do another story, it'll be a simpler, lighter premise, like Shattered Memberries. Less complication, less chances to fuck up.
Stan sat up. Something wasn't right. He wasn't in D.C. anymore. He looked around. "Dude, what the hell?" Standing up, Stan observed his surroundings. He appeared to be in some sort of an endless, white void. There wasn't anything around him, besides the floor beneath his feet, which was slightly less darker. "Hello?" he called out. His voice didn't echo, even a little bit—it was like there was nothing for the sound to bounce from. "Kyle?" he continued to call out. "Cartman? Butters, is anyone there? Dad? Peridot, Garnet, ANYBODY? Am I dead again, or what?"
With no other ideas, Stan simply began walking through the void. For a while, he saw absolutely nothing. Eventually, however, he began to hear music. A slow, foreboding baseline could be heard through the void. Eventually, it was joined by a somewhat familiar singer, who sang in a low voice.
"I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time."
"Who's there?" Stan asked, looking around. "Is someone there? Do you know where we are?"
Two more voices joined in—they sounded like…
"Friendly faces everywhere. Humble folks without temptation."
"What the fuck is going on?" Stan asked nobody in particular. That was HIS voice. He turned around. He gasped.
Somehow, he could see his own memories, projected into the void.
"Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind."
Cartman's anal probe, the Underpants Gnomes, fourth grade, the Chilli Con Carnival, Jared's aides, Jimmy and Timmy's cripple gang, Muhammad on Family Guy, the Stick of Truth, holograms and ads, Member Berries, Coon and Friends, all of these memories suddenly visualized themselves as Cartman appeared.
"Ample parking day or night," he sang in a somewhat creepy tone. "People spouting 'howdy neighbor.'"
"Cartman, what the hell's going on?!" Stan asked—but Cartman disappeared, and was replaced with who Stan presumed to be the singer. "Who the hell are you?!"
"Heading' on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind." The man was replaced with an apparition of Kenny, who sang a line that was completely inaudible. Stan gasped—behind the hooded boy, dozens of horrifying images of Kenny dying horrible, gruesome deaths suddenly appeared. Stan screamed, and ran in the other direction—past a crowd of hundreds of people he'd met over the years.
"So come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine."
Still screaming, Stan ran as far away as he could—which wasn't actually very far, as he'd bumped into Steven on the way.
"Whoa, hey, slow down!" Steven chuckled.
"Stay away from me, you effin' psycho!" Stan yelled, backing away.
"Stan, relax!" Steven tried to reassure his friend. "They're not real, none of that was real. I'm real, it's okay."
"How do I know you're not another one of THEM!"
"Stan, like I said, 'they' don't exist," Steven said. "It was all in your head. Or… my head. Our combined head."
"The fuck's going on, here?! What the hell WERE those things?"
"This is gonna be… sort of hard to explain," Steven sighed. "Um—"
"Wait— 'our combined head'," Stan mulled it over. He gasped. "Did we… fuse?!"
"Oh. I guess it wasn't that hard to explain."
"How the fuck is that even possible?!" Stan asked, clutching his head as he panicked. "I'm not a Gem! That's not fucking possible!"
"See… I can sort of fuse with humans AND Gems," Steven explained. "I've done it with Connie before, too. If I have a really strong bond with someone I can do it."
Stan stopped panicking. His eyes widened. "And we're brothers! That's it! That's what happened!"
Steven hummed. "Huh, you think that we have some kind of brotherly bond as guys? I guess that makes sense."
"No, Steven. We're LITERALLY brothers. Related by blood."
Steven gave Stan a weird look. "Uh, Stan, I don't think you thought that through."
"No, I DID." Stan said, shaking his head. "Think about it. My dad had sex with your mom sixteen years ago. Around the same time, Greg got her pregnant. OR DID HE?" Stan paced the white, featureless floor. "I think it was my dad. We're half-brothers."
Steven looked more than a little disturbed. "You know, that makes sense, but I kind of don't want to believe it."
"Why not?"
"Because then my dad isn't my dad!" Steven said, worried. "My entire life up until now has been based on lies!"
"Wasn't your entire life until now ALREADY based on lies?"
Steven thought about it for a second. "Huh, oh, yeah, I guess it was, wasn't it? But this is DIFFERENT! My dad is the one person in my life who HASN'T lied to me every day for the last 15 years."
"And he still hasn't," Stan reasoned. "Greg knows less than you do. He probably didn't even know that Pink— uh, I mean, that Rose Quartz was seeing my dad. Besides, he's still the one who RAISED you. He's still your DAD, it's just… you know."
"What?"
"Now you've also got me. Your brother, back in South Park."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm not saying ANYTHING," Stan groaned, frustrated that this was taking so long. "I'm just telling you the facts, and the fact is that you're family. And you know what family does in South Park? We team up to kick the bad guy's ass.
"So what do you say, Steven?" Stan said, stepping forward with a determined grin on his face. "Are you ready to kick some ass?"
Despite all of the uncertainties that had now invaded Steven's thoughts, he found himself smiling, because he was certain of one thing; whether or not they were related by blood, Stan's actions over the last few days proved that he was a Crystal Gem. And that made him family.
No matter what.
"Kickass," Steven muttered as he and Stan were suddenly returned to reality.
"Dude," Cartman said, shocked. "What."
"The," Kyle continued.
"Fuck." Kenny finished.
Only one boy was standing where Steven and Stan were. You could call him "Stanven", or "Stevan", or perhaps even "Unimarsh", but if you were to ask Stan (and, later, Wendy did), he would tell you that those names are all pretty gay. So we'll just call him "the Crossover" for now.
The Crossover smirked as he tackled Canadian Pearl, who was stunned in shock. "Nice to meet you!" The Fusion greeted her. "Hey, I'm sure you'll get a KICK out of this!" he said as he suddenly spun around Canadian Pearl and kicked her into Citrine and Granite. This caused Granite to release Garnet, Amethyst, and Bismuth.
Bismuth grinned and started to move towards the battle, but Garnet stopped her. "No," Garnet said. "I want to see what he can do."
"But what if they get hurt?!" Bismuth asked.
"They won't."
"Can somebody explain to me what the FUCK is going on?!" Kyle asked. Connie, who was recovering from her earlier fall, ran past him and, with Kenny's help, tried to help untie the bolas that was restraining the others.
"It looks like Stan and Steven fused," she explained. "Their souls merged and their bodies became one, and they're stronger now as a result."
Butters smiled. "Aw, that's nice!" He appeared to be the only one who thought so; Kyle and Cartman both vomited once they realized what was going on—Wendy and Kenny both looked disgusted as well, but held their stomachs.
Most surprisingly, Peridot also looked somewhat disturbed, possibly due in part to her somewhat warped view of fusion (even having done it herself, she felt "wrong" doing so), and also because she hasn't seen two humans fuse before (besides Steven and Connie, who probably fused half a million times during Hessonite's invasion because Stevonnie was "too OP" and "needed to be nerfed").
"You guys don't look too happy to see me!" the Crossover joked—he knew how weird this probably was for everyone watching.
"Stan, what the fuck?!" Kyle asked. "This is really weird, even for South Park!"
The Crossover pinched his nose bridge. "Aw, come on, you guys are the ones making it weird.
"Hey, we can do introductions later!" Amethyst shouted, hyping up the Crossover. "Why don't you kick some Canadian ass already?"
"Gladly," the Crossover said, turning around to face his opponents.
Randy followed the Diamonds as they chased after Saddam Hussein and Seth Rogen, a situation that would probably get itself posted on the Twitter account. Feeling that he deserved to know the truth, Pink explained her true identity to Randy.
He remained silent for the entire explanation, which was unlike him. Ordinarily—at least, as Pink remembered him, sixteen years ago—he couldn't keep his mouth shut. It was endearing, but at a time like this, it would've been annoying, so she was thankful for his silence in this particular instance.
Finally, once the explanation was finished, Randy replied with "Wow. That's pretty fucked up."
Yellow rolled her eyes. "Yes, Pink's theatrics caught us all by surprise."
Randy shook his head. "Whatever, that's not important right now. Rose. My son thinks I'm Steven Universe's father!"
Pink raised an eyebrow. "Well that's ridiculous, how does he think Gem reproduction works?"
"It DOESN'T work," Yellow reminded her. "Whatever you did completely goes against our biology."
"I need you to come help me explain what really happened to him," Randy pleaded. "My kid won't get off my fuckin' back about it and I am NOT about to pay that fat little shit's child support."
Though a bit perturbed by his wording, Pink nodded. "Yes, I believe EVERYONE deserves the truth after this."
"So where are these bastards anyway?" Randy asked. "For an all-knowing authority of alien overlords, you guys sure are clueless." This earned him a glare from Yellow and Blue, which prompted a nervous laugh from Pink.
"Haha, uh, just ignore him, he's just making fun," she reasoned.
"You know that fun was outlawed after the Giggle Riots in the first era," Yellow scolded.
"Hey, is that them?" Randy asked, pointing out Seth and Saddam, who were just ahead and about to board a helicopter.
"Oh motherfucker!" Saddam exclaimed. "You assholes are determined!"
"We followed you like five feet," Randy pointed out. "Also, aren't you dead?"
"He will be in a moment," Yellow said, rolling her eyes. She pointed a finger at Saddam and Seth, and lightning shot out at them. Saddam countered by conjuring his own lightning, which was evenly matched with Yellow Diamond's. Randy raised an eyebrow.
"The fuck? Since when could Saddam Hussein, former dictator of Iraq, shoot lightning out of his hands?" he asked.
"Since about 1999," Pink replied rather casually. "Guess I should have mentioned that."
"Is anyone going to help me?" Yellow asked in a somewhat irritated manner, still shooting lightning from her fingertips.
"Well what's SHE gonna do?" Randy asked, gesturing to Blue Diamond. "Does SHE have any powers?"
"Depression," Pink quipped.
"Yes, you're hilarious!" Yellow snapped, taking her attention from Saddam. "Instead of just standing here, help me!" Suddenly, she was struck by Saddam's lightning, and for possibly the first time ever, a Diamond was poofed, shocking Pink, Blue, and Randy.
"Yellow!" Blue yelled.
"Holy shit, this guy's serious!" Randy exclaimed.
Pink adopted a combat stance. "Ugh, this would be a really good time to have my sword. And my Lion. And my Gemstone."
"Do you need those things?" Randy asked.
"Well, I can't kill Saddam, have my Lion kill Saddam, or use any of my powers without them. I'm pretty much useless."
"Pink, your strengths were always in your ability to think independently of the other Diamonds!" Blue encouraged. "This is the only time I'm ever going to suggest this. You need. To think. Independently. Okay? Only that big, beautiful brain of yours is going to save the day."
"I thought Gems didn't have brains," Randy said, confused. "Or organs."
Blue simply stared at Randy. "Forgive me for judging, Pink, but your taste in partners is a bit—"
"Oh, I know."
Randy glared. "Hey, I am VERY smart! Okay? I'm a geologist. Gee-aww-loh-just. Do you know what that means? It means I know more about you bitches than you do!"
"He was kicked out of college for doing Cock Magic," Pink muttered, to which Blue nodded.
"He certainly seems the sort. What's 'college'?"
"Hey, you know, Rose, I know you think you're the most god damn important woman on the planet, but you aren't!" Randy scolded. "Just so you know, in South Park, I deal with this kind of shit all the time. And we DON'T need your stupid-ass Gem magic to fix it."
"It isn't magic."
"Bullshit it's not magic!" Randy exclaimed. "Do you know WHY I left Beach City in the first place?"
"Because the townspeople kicked you out?"
"Because of your self-important bullshit! I was sick of it!" Randy paced the area. Saddam and Seth, entertained by the argument, just watched. "You know, I never got to say this to you, but you're kind of a bitch, Rose! You didn't care about me. You didn't care about Pearl. You sure as hell didn't care about Greg—"
"Randy, I cared about each and every one of you," Pink denied.
"No you didn't!" Randy yelled. "You cared about making YOURSELF feel good, with sex, and fusion, and by making everyone 'happy' so that you could feel like you did a good job! Well we weren't happy with you, Rose! And you know what else?"
"What?"
"...we just killed Saddam Hussein without your help."
Pink's eyes widened. "What?"
"AAARRGGGH!" Somebody suddenly shouted from behind Saddam.
"Hey, hey, whoa!" Saddam yelled as he was tackled to the ground. "What the fuck, guy?!"
Mr. Garrison grinned hungrily as he stared down at Saddam. "Gonna insert yourself into American wars, eh, Saddam? Well how about I 'insert' something of mine into something of yours?"
"Hey, buddy, can we not?"
Randy, Pink, and Blue watched as Garrison fucked Saddam to death. Randy crossed his arms and smirked—Pink and Blue just looked horrified.
"My word," Blue exclaimed. "That's horrible!"
"Yeah, this is how we do shit back in South Park."
Seth Rogen tried to slip away, but Mr. Garrison grabbed him in a headlock and held him close to Saddam. "Nope, nice try. You're not going anywhere, you beady-eyed canuck. You're NEXT."
"Oh, Jesus Christ."
"Get off of me!" Saddam pleaded.
"Oh, I'll get off, alright," Garrison laughed as he continued to fuck the Iraqi dictator to death. I'm not gonna give you all of the details, but god DAMN was Mr. Garrison fucking this dictator like it was nobody's business. He fucked Saddam almost as hard as he fucked America. Saddam was getting the fucking of a lifetime.
And Seth knew he was next.
"Alright, well, we'd better let him finish this up himself," Randy muttered. "Come on. We need to find Stan and his friends."
Pink and Blue reluctantly followed Randy. They couldn't seem to avert their eyes from this fucking…
Canadian Pearl was tossed into the plane, which shook slightly from the sheer force. "AY! Fuck you, buddy!" she shouted. She summoned another sword, and ran towards the Crossover, who grabbed the blade with his bare hands. He swung the sword around, not caring that he was slicing his own palms in the process. Canadian Pearl let go of the hilt, and was flung into Granite and Citrine, toppling all three of them.
"You know, I never thought I'd see Steven doing something so… athletic," Peridot commented.
"How come?" Cartman asked.
"Well, because he's so… you know, he's heavy."
"Aw, he's not fat, he's just big boned," Cartman replied. "Just like me."
"...sure, Eric." Using her ferrokinesis, Peridot raised Rose Quartz's sword. "Time to finish the job!" She swung at Citrine, who was just barely getting up from the fall she'd taken. She was poofed, and Peridot immediately bubbled her Gem. "Hey, two in one day! That's pretty good!"
"One of those two was Pearl," Connie reminded her.
"And Pearl fought a VERY good fight!"
Granite tried to run at the Crossover—but she was stopped by Garnet, who punched her face so hard that she, too, was poofed. Garnet bubbled this one as well. "Make that three."
Canadian Pearl appeared to be very injured, and leaned up against the plane for support. "Agh, fuckin' pricks…" she grunted.
"Well, should we make it four for four?" The Crossover asked her as he approached. "Or you could, you know, give up. You're outnumbered and outmatched."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck…" Canadian Pearl muttered. "Fuck! Fucking cunts, all of you!"
"Um, excuse me, YOU'RE the one who wants to nuke Beach City!" Connie complained.
"Yeah, you really don't have any moral high ground," Wendy nodded.
"Of course we do! YOU'RE all Americans! Nobody CARES if you get wiped off the map!" Canadian Pearl barked back.
Suddenly, a US Air Force pilot climbed down the plane's stairs and glared at everyone outside. "Hey, hey, what the hell's going on here?" he asked. "We're getting ready to drop a radioactive city-destroyer here."
Canadian Pearl groaned. "Fuck this," she muttered as she summoned another sword and stabbed the man through the abdomen.
"AGH! AHH!" the man grunted in a very Trey Parker-like stock grunt. He coughed blood as he collapsed.
"Jesus Christ, dude!" Kyle yelled.
Canadian Pearl stole the man's sidearm off of his corpse and immediately shot it at the Crossover, who instinctively summoned Steven's bubble. The bullet ricocheted off the shield, and went straight through Kenny's forehead, splattering his brain matter on Connie and Wendy and killing him instantly.
The Crossover turned and gasped. "Oh my god!" he yelled. "We killed Kenny!" The shock was too much. He began to glow, and his components, Steven and Stan, fell apart from each other. "We're bastards!" Steven scolded himself.
Kyle glared at Steven. "Hey, maybe leave that part to me, huh?"
Canadian Pearl used the distraction to fire one more shot at Steven, which caught him in the shoulder. "AGH! Not again!" he yelled as he grasped his shoulder, which was already bleeding. "Do you know how much this hurts?!"
"Sayonara, fuckers," Canadian Pearl chuckled as she ran into the plane. Once she reached the cockpit, the co-pilot stared at her.
"Hey, you can't just— AGH!" he yelled as he caught a bullet in the forehead, killing him. Canadian Pearl yanked him out of his seat and took the controls, and the plane began to take off. It was picking up speed rapidly—soon it would be too late.
"No!" Steven shouted as Connie bandaged up his shoulder. "She's getting away!"
Peridot glared at the plane. "Oh, no she's not!" She grabbed Rose's sword and ran towards the plane.
Garnet immediately saw a million different problems with this. "Peridot, no!"
"Too late, already running!" Peridot's small size meant she could run pretty fast, and she managed to catch up with the plane—although it was picking up speed. She needed to do something before it took off. Using the sword, she broke the latch on the cargo door, causing it to come open. Then, she jumped into the plane, which promptly took off.
Peridot lay on the floor of the plane's cargo bay. She clutched her head, groaning. "Ow… bad idea…" She sat up and stared out the door. Clouds. She was in the sky now, no doubt on the way back to Beach City. She hadn't been back there in months… but now wasn't the time to reminisce. She needed to get to the cockpit.
Standing up, she started walking towards the front of the plane, stopping only to stare at what appeared to be a very large bomb, which sat on a large set of doors. "Holy smokes…" she muttered. "This must be the nuke. It's huge…" She had to stop it. Peridot ran to the front of the cargo bay, where she found a tall ladder. "So here I am, about to save the world from a dangerous weapon that should never have been invented. AGAIN. First the cluster, then the Member Berries, then Puerto Rican nationalism, now this. Earth needs to get it together."
Finally, she reached the top of the ladder. She glared at Canadian Pearl, before glancing around the rest of the room. Her eyes came to rest on the deceased American Air Force pilot. "Holy smokes!" she shouted involuntarily. This drew Canadian Pearl's attention.
"What the—?! How did you get up here, friend?!" she shouted.
"Doesn't matter, I'm gonna stop you, clod!" Peridot replied.
"I'm not your buddy, gu- wait, what did you call me?" Peridot jumped and punched Canadian Pearl in the face. Then, she levitated the sword, which embedded itself into the console as Canadian Pearl dodged. "Hah! Missed, guy!" Peridot punched her in the face once again. "Ow! Fuck y- Ow!" she shouted as she was punched once more. A third punch was reversed, and Peridot herself was punched.
"Damn it!" Peridot groaned. "Argh!" she shouted as she tackled Canadian Pearl to the ground.
"I'm not your enemy!" Canadian Pearl yelled. "You're on Canada's side!"
"You're trying to NUKE my home!" Peridot yelled. "You're objectively my enemy, I don't care if you're Canadian! This isn't about nationalism anymore, this is about you trying to kill MILLIONS!"
"Those millions of Americans all sponsored Lapis Lazuli's murder!"
Peridot stepped back, offended that Lapis's name was used against her. "What?"
"We ALL saw Lapis get killed! The Americans in Beach City let it happen!"
"Go to Hell," Peridot muttered. She grabbed the sword from the console. "Don't you EVER!" she yelled, thrusting the sword at Pearl, who dodged. "EVER!" Another thrust. "SAY HER NAME! Her murder isn't to be used to your POLITICAL ADVANTAGE!" She punctuated this with a big hack, her eyes closed. Breathing deeply she slowly opened her eyes—then widened them in horror.
Canadian Pearl was tethered to the console by the sword, the blade sitting firmly in her forehead—right where her Gem was. It was cracked, and the crack wasn't getting any better.
"Oh, holy smokes!" Peridot exclaimed, horrified. "I'm sorry! Steven can fix you, we just have to—"
"It's too late," Canadian Pearl coughed out. "You're- you're the worst…" Her physical form disappeared, her shards landing on the console.
"...what have I done?"
"Peridot?" Peridot suddenly heard Kyle's voice on the plane's radio. "Peridot are you there?"
Peridot grabbed the mic. "Yeah, I'm here."
On the other end, Kyle stood with his friends, General Revaur, and the Crystal Gems near an old CB radio. Pearl had reformed by this point, and she joined them in handcuffs. They were also joined by Pink Diamond, Blue Diamond, and Randy. "Is Canadian Pearl there?"
Peridot stared at the shards. "She's… she's dead."
The group gasped. "What?!" Kyle exclaimed. "What the hell happened?!"
"I killed her…" Peridot muttered. "I just… we were fighting, and things got out of hand, and…"
"Peridot!" Peridot suddenly heard a familiar voice. A familiar voice that she hadn't heard in a very long time…
"You're shirting me," Peridot muttered.
Lapis stood next to Kyle. "Actually, Peridot, sweetie, the term is 'you're shitting me'."
"Oh, yeah, Lapis is here now," Kyle said rather nonchalantly.
"Peridot, listen to me. You can't beat yourself up over that cold-blooded murder you just committed. There are bigger things to worry about."
"I don't understand," Peridot said, tears in her eyes. "How am I speaking to you?"
Lapis rolled her eyes. "Through a radio, Peridot, we've been over this, humans have long-distance communication—"
"No! I mean how are YOU here?! You're dead!"
Lapis looked confused. "Oh, yeah, that! So like, the armies of Hell are about to rise up, and since I was in Hell, that means I get to hang out up here for a bit."
Peridot had so many questions. "The armies of Hell? Well that doesn't sound good."
"It's not, it actually sucks major balls," Kyle said. "I've seen it happen once before."
Lapis took over again. "Peridot, listen to me. If that bomb gets dropped, Earth is screwed. Satan and his army will rise up and, like, blow everything up, or something. You have to bring that plane back around so we can disarm the nuke, ASAP. Then we can talk about everything else."
Peridot nodded. "Okay… okay." Peridot sat in the seat, unable to take her eyes off of Canadian Pearl's shards. "Oh, god, you guys… I think I'm going to be sick."
"Don't worry, Peridot," Pearl said through the radio. "You don't have a stomach. You won't vomit."
"I-I KILLED her," Peridot said. "I can't believe I did this."
"Peridot, everything's going to be fine," Steven assured her. "We're going to work through this."
"Yeah dude, people die all the time," Stan said. "Like, half of our teachers died in that big battle in front of the White House."
"Yeah, and kids probably died at that school shooting that happened yesterday back in South Park," Cartman pointed out.
"There was a school shooting in South Park yesterday?" Stan asked. "Man, I'm glad I wasn't there. I could have been shot."
Peridot sighed. "I'm bringing this plane back to the airfield, but after that we need to talk about this."
Randy nodded, and glanced at Pink. "Yes. There's a lot that we all need to talk about."
"Do you even know how to fly a plane?" Kyle asked.
"Of course," Peridot replied, although she didn't elaborate further. In truth, she didn't, but she was really, really good at figuring that shit out on the spot. Suddenly, she noticed three new blips on the radar. "Uh. Are there any other American planes in the sky right now?"
Revaur raised an eyebrow and grabbed the radio from Kyle's hand. "Peridot, this is General Revaur. You shouldn't be seeing other planes, airspace is closed across the entire east coast."
"I'm telling you, there are three other planes in the sky with me right now!" Peridot repeated, panicking slightly.
Back on the ground, Revaur raised his binoculars and looked up into that part of the sky. "Oh my god…"
"What? What is it?" Bismuth asked.
"Those are Canadian bombers," Revaur muttered. "The British or the French must have given them a nuke, and they're on their way here right now!"
"What?!" Pearl exclaimed. "We're supposed to be having a ceasefire right now!"
"So what do I do?!" Peridot asked.
"Peridot, WE'LL handle the Canadians before they drop their payload," Bismuth commanded. "YOU need to get back to ground."
"Okay, okay, got it!" Peridot didn't turn quite yet, however. "...Lapis? Is Lapis still there?"
"Yeah, I'm here."
"...what's going to happen to you when the war ends?"
Lapis glanced at Chef and Pink. Chef sighed.
"I'm sorry, children…" he muttered.
"What?"
"When the war ends… well, we have to go back to Hell."
Pink nodded. "We'll all be sent back, once this is over."
Peridot frowned. "So… so I won't be able to see Lapis again after this. This is my last chance to speak to her."
"It doesn't have to be," another voice suddenly piped up, from within the cockpit. Mitch Conner. He rose up, once again possessing Peridot's left hand. "The final part of the prophecy states that if a Crystal Gem drops a nuke on American soil, the damned will rise up, and Hell on Earth 2018 will begin. You can be with Lapis forever, then."
Peridot thought about it. "That is true… I could do that. ...where's Mr. Hat?"
"Uh, yeah, he's busy."
"...no, he's not. I have him right here," Peridot said as she held up Mr. Hat, whom she'd stolen from Pearl's office. "Tell me, Mitch, why is it that he's suddenly so useless? Is it perhaps because… Mr. Hat never existed in the first place?"
Mitch Conner was speechless. "What."
"You were playing all sides of this war," Peridot realized.
"...no, that— you're wrong."
"Mr. Hat and Mitch Conner are the same dark entity! You've been manipulating the Crystal Gems against each other to get us to destroy the planet!"
"No, no no, you're— that's not kewl, Peridot."
"But if your host is killed, you will be too, correct?"
"NOT KEWL PERIDOT, THAT'S NOT KEWL, STOP TALKING LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW."
"Whoa, whoa, wait wait wait, Peridot, what are you going to do?!" Kyle asked. "Peridot, don't do anything retarded!"
"Yeah, Kyle's right," Steven said. "We'll deal with Mitch Conner when you get down here—"
"It's too dangerous, Steven," Peridot reasoned. "There are too many variables. Three Canadian bombers in US airspace. Mitch Conner on my hand—he'll probably just jump to a new host when I get down there."
"Peridot, stop!" Pearl pleaded. This surprised Peridot the most. "We can't—I can't handle any more death. We'll figure this out, but PLEASE, don't do anything irrational up there."
Peridot sighed. "Pearl… I forgive you."
"Okay, that's great, now come land the plane so we can hug it out!"
"No can do. Steven, I…" She was slightly embarrassed. "...care about you…" she muttered. "You might even say I... love you. Just a little bit."
"Peridot, PLEASE—"
"And Lapis… I love you too. More than Steven, sorry Steven. I'll see you soon."
Lapis's eyes widened. "Peridot, you have your whole life ahead of—" static. Peridot shut off her radio. "Damn it!"
Back on the plane, Peridot continued her course, which took her towards the Canadian planes. "What do you even expect to do?" Mitch Conner asked, annoyed but also desperate. "It's like you said, there are too many variables. Sacrificing yourself won't do jack."
"Well, there's a low-yield thermonuclear bomb in the plane's cargo bay," Peridot said, leaning back in her seat. "We're high enough in the air that the blast won't negatively impact anyone on the ground, except maybe with an EMP blast, which they can deal with. The Canadians ALSO have bombs on their planes, of what caliber, I have no idea. So, once I'm within striking distance, I'm going to blow this plane up, blow them up, blow you up—"
"And blow yourself up?"
"Yeah, and blow myself up! Every threat in the sky is taken out all at once. Isn't that fantastic!"
"No, it's bullshit!" Mitch Conner exclaimed. "You can't do this! You'll be shot down before you get close!"
"If they're within shooting distance, I'm within explosion distance." As if on cue, several bullets shattered the glass in front of her, one of them passing through her throat. "Agh, crap!" she yelled as she clutched her throat, trying to stop the blood from pouring out. She talked too long. She was gonna poof soon.
On the bright side, she was choking on her own blood, so now it was impossible to speak. She fell out of the seat. It's now or never, she thought as flak riddled her cockpit.
"No, you can't do this!" Mitch yelled.
Peridot crawled to the ladder leading into the cargo bay. Because of her injury, she was disoriented, and promptly fell into the cargo bay. "Agh!" With no time to waste, she crawled to the bomb. If this bomb worked the same way as Homeworld's (outdated) thermonuclear devices, there was a copper core separating the unstable atoms. All she had to do was remove that core, and… boom. She tried to focus on that, and not on the fact that the bullet hole in her throat was making it hard to breathe, or the fact that she's about to die. Concentrate, Peridot, she thought. Concentrate…
On the ground, everyone tried desperately to reach Peridot. "Peridot!" Steven shouted into the radio. "Peridot, come in—"
Suddenly, a bright flash engulfed the sky, causing everyone to avert their eyes. When the flash was gone, everyone stared up at the fireball that had replaced it. Steven's shoulders lowered.
"Peridot… no…" he muttered, distraught but too exhausted to cry anymore.
"Oh my god…" Stan muttered. "They… killed Peridot…"
"You… bastards," Kyle finished, distraught himself.
Lapis sighed, and covered her face with her hand. "Peridot, you idiot… why did you do that?"
Bismuth glared at the fireball. "This is the damn Canadians' fault. I'm ordering a counterattack on-"
"What the fu-?! No!" Kyle yelled, now angry. "Don't you people see that your stupid war on Canada is the REASON Peridot's dead? It's why Lapis died, it's why a bunch of our friends are dead now, and it's why more people are GOING to die! We need to END THIS!"
"Kyle's right," Garnet said. "All of this is our fault. We did this."
"You know what, guys? I think we all learned something today, or we SHOULD have! I'm not so sure you guys have!" Kyle accused. "But I have! Everybody's so fixated on revenge, on an eye for an eye, for false fucking equivalences for shit that you all forgot about! First Steven gets shot, then Lapis fucking DIES, then all of our friends die, and now Peridot's dead, ALL in the name of revenge, and you want MORE REVENGE? You want MORE death? Fuck you!"
"That's right, everyone," Garnet nodded, stepping forward. "What we should focus on now… is healing. And grieving. Not on anger, or hate. Because if we continue on this path, it's only a matter of time before another loved one gets killed. It's over, now. We need to make sure it doesn't start again. Because then Peridot will have died in vain."
Everyone knew that she and Kyle were right. It was time for forgiveness. Tears in her eyes, Pearl knelt down and hugged Steven… as best she could, anyway, as her hands were still cuffed. "I'm so, so sorry, Steven," she muttered. "This is my fault. All of it. There's been so much death and destruction lately, and it's all because of me."
Steven sighed. "I don't want to believe that any of this is real…"
Stan patted Steven on the back. "It's okay, bro. We're going to be fine."
Randy sighed. "Uh, yeah, about that, Stan. Steven Universe… isn't your brother."
Stan rolled his eyes. "Dad, not now."
"It's true," Pink Diamond confirmed. "Your father is telling the truth, Stanley. Just as I need to be more honest."
Stan raised an eyebrow, then glanced at Steven. Did he know yet? "What, y-you mean about the Rose Quartz thing?"
"What about my mom?" Steven asked.
Pink Diamond knelt down to meet Steven's eyes. "Steven… I never thought that I'd be able to see your face. You're just as perfect as I thought you'd be."
"...what?"
Pink nodded, and changed her form. Once again, Rose Quartz stood before everyone. Amethyst, Bismuth, and Garnet gasped.
"That's not possible!" Bismuth exclaimed. "You're…"
Rose turned to stare at her friends. "Yes, I'm afraid it's true. I am Rose Quartz. And I was also Pink Diamond. I know this is confusing, and infuriating for some of you, but… the truth needs to be known." She turned back to face Stan. "Stanley, I'm sorry… I know how much you want this to be true. Steven is not your brother. That fateful night, sixteen years ago, your father refused to consumate. He wished to remain faithful to Sharon. You and Steven aren't related at all."
Steven blinked. "I'm uh… I'm taking in a lot right now."
"So, wait, if Steven and I aren't related, then how were we able to fuse?" Stan asked.
The group fell silent, then Cartman started laughing. Hard. "Hahaha! Hahahaha! You guys! Look! Stan fused with a GUY! Because of an EMOTIONAL BOND! What a fag!"
Cartman was joined in his laughter by Kyle and Butters. Though annoyed, Stan also found it kinda funny, and started laughing too. Then Steven laughed. Soon, the entire group was laughing. Not because Stan was gay, which he insisted he wasn't, but because the sheer juvenile nature of Cartman's joke was really, really funny.
Except Lapis, who wasn't there any longer. Chef noticed her absence. "Hey, where did Lapis go?" he asked.
Rose wiped away a tear as she continued to chuckle. "Not sure. Perhaps she's gone to greet a new arrival."
Down, down in Satan's realm, where the doomed and cursed dwell, Lapis stood near the entrance, joined by Satan himself as well as Steve. "Are you sure she'll be down here?" Steve asked.
"Oh, I'm sure," Lapis replied, holding up a large sign which read "Ms. 2F5L". "She's not going to the other place, I know that much."
"Here come the new arrivals," Satan announced. A long, long, LONG line of people entered. PC Principal, Mr. Mackey, Lars, the Off-Colors, Aquamarine, Saddam Hussein, Seth Rogen, John McCain, Paul Ryan, all sorts of people. At the back of the line was Peridot, who… was holding a suitcase, for some reason.
"Well, Mr. Senator, that was quite the story," Peridot said, apparently finishing a conversation she'd been having with McCain. "But hey, you'll get into that oval office next time! ...oh, I guess you won't, huh? Anyway, I need to be going, there's somebody waiting for me." Peridot glanced around, and quickly caught the sign. She didn't seem too upset that she was dead. "Aha! Lapis!" She ran towards the group, tossed her suitcase for Satan to catch, and jumped to hug Lapis. "God, I've missed you."
"I've missed you too…" Lapis said. "But Peridot. We need to talk about what you did up there."
"Eeeeh, I'd rather not," Peridot replied, shaking her head. "I know it doesn't look like it, but I am REALLY not thrilled with being dead. But hey, we're together again!"
Lapis glared at Peridot. Her expression softened, however, and she conceded. "Yes, we are together again. I'm glad. I had just hoped it would be the other way around."
Peridot nodded. "Yeah, this is… not ideal. But hey, it could be worse! So! Why don't you show me around?"
Lapis shrugged. "Alright, I guess." She held out her hand, which Peridot gladly grabbed. Kenny arrived and grabbed Lapis's other hand.
"Hey guys, what's going on?" he asked, his voice muffled in his hood as always.
"Oh, hey, Kenny!" Peridot greeted. Then she frowned. "Hey, wait a second, he gets to come back to life later, that's not fair!"
"I don't make the rules," Satan muttered.
Together, Peridot, Kenny, and Lapis walked through the pits of Hell, talking and laughing to their hearts' content. It was the happiest any of them had been in months.
Much happier than anyone on the surface was, anyhow.
A/N: It's not over yet. Epilogue chapter coming soon.