It was a quiet Wednesday morning in South Park. The students of South Park Elementary gathered in the lobby to hold a memorial service for the teachers that lost their lives in the final days of the Second Canadian-American War. Photos of PC Principal, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Adler, and a few others the boys didn't know very well adorned the wall. Vice Principal Strong Woman stood behind a podium as she addressed the students. Behind her, her recently-born PC Quintuplets—the results of a sordid affair she'd had with a late coworker—sat in strollers, quietly sleeping. With their father gone, Vice Principal Strong Woman had to bring them everywhere with her, even to work; not that that was a problem, because she was a strong woman, after all.

"Alright everyone, listen up," Strong Woman greeted. "We're here today to honor the lives of our faculty and staff, who were tragically killed in the Battle of the North Portico last week. I know that, as I am a woman, a lot of you are trained by society to think that I'm going to get 'emotional' or 'hysterical' during today's service," she said, tears welling up in her eyes. She took a deep, shallow breath before continuing. "And I just want you all to know… it is PERFECTLY natural, normal, and HEALTHY to be emotional right now. The grim reality of the situation is that none of this had to happen. It's a tragedy, plain and simple, and that's… sad. I'M sad, knowing that my five children are going to grow up without a Principal in their lives. And I'm sure a lot of you all are sad, too. Traumatized, even.

"That's why I've asked our staff HR supervisor, Ms. Conduct, to stay on permanently as our new student guidance counselor. If any of you need to talk to ANYONE about anything that's happened, you can speak to her. Or me. Or each other. We all have to take care of each other, and be there for each other, so that we can continue to rebuild our lives and fix this country."

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sat somewhere towards the middle of the crowd. Cartman sighed. "You know guys, I didn't think all of our teachers dying would be as much of a bummer as it is right now. I thought this would be a happy day."

"Yeah dude, what gives?" Kyle asked. "I have this… this feeling, deep in my chest, like I'm… not happy. I'm the opposite of happy."

"Sad?" Stan suggested.

"Yeah. Sad. It's like… whatever we're going to deal with this week? I don't care about it. I don't care about any of it. I'm too sad to care."

"Is there something wrong with us?" Cartman asked. "Maybe we're getting sick."

"We've BEEN sick, Cartman," Stan lamented. "We've been really, really sick."

Later in the day, between periods, Kyle made his way to what was Mr. Mackey's office. Instead, Ms. Conduct now occupied it, although the door still had Mackey's name on it. This upset Kyle even more, but he tried to ignore it as he stepped inside. "Ms… Conduct?"

"Oh, yes, you must be Kyle," Ms. Conduct greeted. "Mmmalright, why don't you go ahead and take a seat?"

Kyle nodded, and sat in front of Ms. Conduct. "Thank you for seeing me. I know you're probably really busy."

A somber look came over Ms. Conduct's face as she nodded. "Yes, mmmalright, I am dealing with a lot of students right now, they're all sad, mmmalright, and that's bad, but it's my job to help each and every one of them, mmmalright? Now, what's on your mind?"

Kyle didn't know where to begin, but he did anyway. "I just… I can't sleep at night. I know, the Canadian-American War is over, and things should be going back to normal, but… they aren't. I keep waiting for this… for this snap-back. For a return to status-quo that's never coming." He was quiet for a moment. "I lost friends in the final days of the war. We were all there, at the White House. I saw Mr. Mackey get cut down, I saw PC Principal impaled. Peridot, she's actually more of a friend of a friend, but she died, too. Lapis died way at the beginning, but I saw her die, too. I've just… I've seen so much death over the last few months, I don't… I don't know if I can handle it. When are things going to go back to normal? When can I continue living, without seeing their faces every time I close my eyes?"

The speech disturbed Ms. Conduct. She stared at this traumatized boy, wide-eyed, not knowing what to say. But she did anyway. "Mmmalright, um… do you have any hobbies, Kyle?"

Kyle looked up at her—he'd been staring at his own feet—and raised an eyebrow. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, maybe there's something you could do to, um, forget about everything, mmmalright?"

"But I don't WANT to forget!" Kyle denied, shaking his head. "I want to COPE!"

Ms. Conduct sighed. "Kyle, can I be honest with you? I'm trying to cope myself." This surprised Kyle. Tears welled up in Ms. Conduct's eyes. "I've met with sad student after sad student, and I just… I don't know how to help them. If Mr. Mackey was here, I'm sure he'd know what to do, but he's GONE. He's not coming back. It's so, so hard to deal with, mmmalright?" She broke down into tears and planted her face on the desk. "I can't deal with it!" she sobbed.

Shocked, Kyle stood up and slowly backed out of the office. "Jesus Christ, I'm just gonna go see a therapist or something." He left Ms. Conduct to cry, closing the door behind him.

After school had finished, Kenny returned home to watch TV. By this point, he was able to drown out his family's arguing behind him. "You drunk piece of shit!" his mother shouted—not at his father, but at his brother, Kevin, who threw an empty bottle in his mother's direction. "Throw that at me again! See what happens!" She got her wish.

Kenny's little sister, Karen, was also able to drown out her family's arguing, and sat close to Kenny, smiling as they watched the news.

"The world breathes a sigh of relief today," the anchorman, Tim Hairpiece, reported, "as the White House confirms that the President signed an official declaration of peace with the Prime Ministers of Canada and Great Britain in Paris earlier today."

The footage cut to a feed from Paris, France, where recently reinstated President Garrison, joined by Vice President Pearl, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, British Prime Minister Theresa May, and French President Emmanuel Macron all gathered together to sign a peace treaty. Delegations from Russia and North Korea, both of whom bizarrely sided with America in the war, were also present. Pearl gave a press conference later as well.

"We're all ecstatic that the world can once again return to peace," Pearl said, with slightly more energy and pep than she had in her few addresses as President. "My only regret is that I allowed this war to go on for far too long. War should never have been my goal, but it was, and for that reason, I will be resigning from the office of Vice President, effective immediately. And may we all hope for the good of the planet that a Crystal Gem never, ever tries to get involved in politics again."

(Decades later, Steven himself, by that point the Governor of Delmarva, would launch a successful bid for President, serving two consecutive full terms from 2053 to 2061. He would be widely regarded by historians as the most popular President since FDR in 2053, 2056, and after his chosen successor had lost election in 2060, and the least popular since Garrison for the rest of the years—especially the midterm years.)

The footage cut back to the newsroom. "In other news, The President is scheduled to meet with White Diamond of the Great Diamond Authority to discuss a peace agreement between the two planets…"

Kenny's attention to the TV was interrupted by a knock at the door. Knowing that nobody else would get it, he got up, leaving his sister to watch the news in blissful ignorance of the chaotic scene behind her. He made his way to the door and opened it. Stan was standing on the other side, his arm in a sling as a result of a gunshot wound he'd suffered at school. He also now wore a "Tegridy Farms" t-shirt to advertise his father's new hemp business.

"Hey, Kenny, can we talk?" he asked.

Kenny was confused. Stan never wanted to talk to him. Nobody did. "Uh, sure," Kenny answered as he closed the door behind him. It was then that he realized that Steven was with Stan. His arm was also in a sling, as a result of the gunshot wound he suffered in the fight with Canadian Pearl. "Oh, hey."

Steven seemed low-energy. It was hard to blame him. "Hey, Kenny," he muttered. Kenny sighed. Steven's been through so much. How would he even cope? Suddenly, Steven pulled out an electronic cigarette and took a puff from it.

Stan raised an eyebrow. "You're vaping, now?"

"I'm really stressed out lately, it's keeping my nerves calm," Steven replied.

"What are you doing back in South Park?" Kenny asked.

"Oh, uh, the Crystal Gems are moving their base to Stan's dad's hemp farm," Steven answered. "He said that we needed more 'tegrity. ...he wasn't wrong."

"Let's go for a walk," Stan said. Kenny was still confused, but he followed Stan and Steven as they walked. "So, listen, I uh… I need to ask you something."

"What's up?"

Stan glanced over at Steven, then back at Kenny. "How are Peridot and Lapis doing?" he asked.

Kenny blinked. "How should I know?" he asked.

Steven sighed. "See? I told you he wouldn't know. How could he know?"

Stan shook his head. "Kenny… I know about your power."

Kenny raised his eyebrows. "My power?"

"Yeah. The one where you can die and then… be not dead, somehow."

Kenny's eyes widened. "What do you mean, 'you know'?"

Steven looked away. "Come on, Stan, that's all make-believe. This whole thing was stupid, let's just go."

Stan held Steven's arm. "Stay."

"Fine."

Stan glared at Kenny. "Come on, Kenny, quit playing dumb. I know about everything."

"What is 'everything'? What do you know?"

Stan tried to find the best way to explain it. "A few months back, during the war, I died, and went to Hell. I saw Lapis there, but she made a wish and I came back to life. Since then I… I noticed some things about you. Like sometimes you would disappear, and then not show up again until the next day. You're not disappearing, Kenny. You're dying."

Kenny was shocked. He really did know. "You… you can remember?"

Stan shook his head. "Not really. It's like… the world still wants me to forget, or something. But I have lingering memories. Shit that SHOULDN'T make sense, but then… it does. I remembered what you told me when Cthulhu was released, a while back, and I put the pieces together. You… really can't die. Except you can. You die, you end up in heaven, or hell, or wherever, and then the next day… you show up again."

Kenny could cry. Finally, someone, anyone believed him. But Steven still didn't buy it.

"Look, I don't know if this is a joke or something, but I don't want to deal with it right now," Steven muttered.

Kenny glared at Steven. "Steven," he said. "Try to remember."

Steven raised an eyebrow. "Remember what?"

Just then, Kenny jumped into the street, and a bus sped by, killing him and splattering Steven and Stan with his blood. Steven stared at where Kenny once was in shock. "...what did he do that for?!" he asked flatly.

Stan nodded. "You're already forgetting what we just saw, aren't you?"

Steven looked confused. "Forgetting? Forgetting what?"

Stan gestured to Kenny's mangled body.

Steven jumped. "Holy smokes! When did that happen?!"

"Just now. I'm forgetting it too. Just try really, really hard to remember, okay?"

Steven stared at Kenny's corpse. "Alright," he said plainly.

The next day, Kyle skipped school and went to see a therapist instead. As he lay on the sofa, he explained his troubles, and the therapist listened intently, writing things down as he went.

"I just… I want there to be a status-quo again, you know?" Kyle said. "There should have been some kind of a snap-back by now. A return to normalcy. But there hasn't been."

The therapist nodded. "Mhmm. And you believe that, on an ordinary day, this so-called snap-back would have happened?"

"Yeah! It's like… normally, some shit goes down, and we have to deal with it, but then when it's all over, everything's fine. And next week, everything's back to normal. We just move on to the next thing. That hasn't happened yet. It's like… there's suddenly consequence, in a world where there was none." Kyle sat up. "Canada was NUKED last year, and my life was back to normal within weeks!"

The therapist raised an eyebrow. "Was it, though?"

"What do you mean?"

The therapist glanced around the room. What was the best way to put this. "...well… you're dealing, right now, with the aftermath of a deadly, deadly war which has permanently scarred this Earth."

"Yeah?" Kyle was confused. "What's your point?"

"Well, wasn't the nuking of Canada what SET OFF that war? It caused a chain reaction of increasingly disturbing events which eventually led to your friend Steven being shot, which led to the war."

Kyle blinked. "Wait, wait, but— but THAT was set off by Mr. Garrison being elected President." It was starting to click. "And-and- and that was caused by PC Principal firing him, and PC Principal was hired because Cartman pretended to be trans, which he did to get his own bathroom, and he was inspired to do that when Mr. Garrison became a woman, then a man again, and Mr. Garrison was gay for YEARS before that, and—" Kyle gasped. "Oh my god. There's… there's no status quo. There never was any status quo. I've just been turning a blind eye to all of the changes in my life. But now it's impossible to ignore."

The therapist nodded once more. "Perhaps you're seeing things more clearly now."

"I am," Kyle said. "I finally am. Everything makes so much more sense now. Thank you, doctor."

"Any time, Kyle."

Kyle stood up and marched out, ready to take on the new world. He looked out at the people of South Park as they went about their days—their lives were changing, too. One pissed-off looking guy walked past him.

"I can't believe my wife cheated on me!" he grumbled.

"Don't worry," Kyle said. "Your wife's ALWAYS been cheating on you. Don't you feel better now, knowing that the status quo is ALWAYS changing? Change isn't so scary, now!"

The man just glared at Kyle. "Wait, you KNEW about it?! I fucking knew it! She's been sleeping ALL OVER town! I bet she slept with YOU, too!"

Kyle's eyes widened. "What? No, I'm ten! I'm just saying you shouldn't be afraid of—"

The man pulled a gun out of his pocket. "Come with me, kid. You fucked up."

"Jesus Christ!" The man grabbed Kyle and dragged him to his truck, gun pointed at his temple the entire time. "Where are you taking me?!"

"We're going to pay Amy a little visit," the man said as he started his truck. "Tell me, kid. Are you afraid to die?"

"Kind of, yeah!"

"Good." The man drove off, Kyle in tow.

Back at school, Kenny was eating lunch by himself. He hadn't seen Kyle all day, Cartman was off getting Butters to do something really stupid, and Stan disappeared after third period. Where was everybody?

Well, the Rubies were here, but Kenny didn't really like talking to them. They creeped him out.

Suddenly, the table shook, startling Kenny. He looked up at Stan, who'd slammed the table with his one good arm. Steven slammed the table as well, with his opposite good arm.

"Kenny!" Steven exclaimed. "You died last night."

Kenny dropped his fork. "Oh, shit, you really do remember."

"How did you DO THAT?!" Steven asked. "Is it something Lapis and Peridot can do?! And Lars, and Aquamarine, and all of our other dead friends?!"

Kenny sighed. "We should go somewhere more private…" he muttered, glancing at Navy, who was eavesdropping very rudely.

"Oh!" she gasped. "Don't mind me! I was just listening in on your private conversation! Continue!"

Kenny glared at her and stood up. He took Stan and Steven into the hall. Nobody was here. Good. "Alright," he sighed. "So… how much do you actually remember?"

Steven frowned. "Well, I don't remember you actually dying… but I remember being told that you can cheat death, and then I remember being told I would probably forget, and then… you just disappear from my memories. Like I was actually forgetting."

Kenny nodded. "Okay, I think that's as good as we're gonna get. Stan?"

"Same shit."

"Ok. Well, first, let's get this out of the way." Kenny put a hand on Steven's shoulder. "Steven. I'm so, so sorry about how much you've had to go though lately. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Peridot and Lapis probably aren't coming back. Neither is anyone else."

Steven deflated a little bit. "But… how can you do it?"

Kenny sighed, and turned his back to Steven. "When my mother was pregnant with me, my parents joined the Cult of Cthulhu. Because of that, their son was cursed with incredibly bad luck. I die. Often. I've been stabbed, shot, impaled, electrocuted, bisected, exploded, imploded, crushed, microwaved, you name it." He turned to face Steven and Stan again. "And then, the next morning, I wake up in my bed, as if from some sort of bad dream. But it was all real.

"For years, it left me so depressed. All I could do was die, and die, and die, and let me tell you—dying fucking hurts." Kenny closed his eyes. "I'm sorry, that probably isn't what you want to hear right now, but… that isn't even the worst part. The worst part is that my friends never remembered. Nobody did. I guess you still don't really remember. That was the most painful part, if I'd had somebody else to talk to about it, I think it would have been more bearable, but…"

Steven sniffled. He was crying. "Kenny… that's so… SAD!" He hugged Kenny, who was a little uncomfortable.

"Uh… yeah…" he muttered. "Anyway, last year, when the Member Berries infested Beach City, I was killed searching for the Corrupting Light with Peridot."

Steven backed away and nodded very suddenly. "Uh huh, I remember that. Well, not you dying, but… everything else."

Kenny shrugged. "Well, here's where it gets interesting. PERIDOT remembered. She was unaffected by my curse… for some reason. I think it had something to do with how much time she spent around the Member Berries. I'm not too sure."

Stan put his good finger to his chin. "Peridot remembered… that explains a lot, actually."

"When Lapis was killed, I realized it was because of me. If I wasn't there, Bismuth probably wouldn't have tried to kill anyone. That's another part of my curse, you see, people suddenly don't care much about human life around me. Like they all KNOW, deep down, that I'll just come back anyway."

"So she thought the same thing we did," Steven realized. "She thought if anyone could bring Lapis back, it's you."

Kenny shrugged. "I don't think she was quite that optimistic. But to answer your earlier question, I've seen both Lapis and Peridot since they died. They both went to Hell."

"How are they doing?"

Kenny smiled, for the first time today. "They're fine," he said. "They're happy together. And they're not in any pain."

Steven smiled too. "That… you know, that actually makes me feel a little better. A lot better, actually. At least they're happy."

"But I thought Hell was about eternal suffering?" Stan said.

"Well, it's supposed to be," Kenny replied. "But Satan's a big softy. Everyone's happy, Lars, PC Principal, Mackey..."

Steven grabbed scratched the back of his neck with his good arm. "So, uh… how often do you see them?"

"They got married," Kenny said suddenly.

Any trace of sadness on Steven's face suddenly went away. Stars appeared in his eyes. "They did?!"

"Yup. Yesterday. I was the ring bearer. It was spectacular. They even fused for the first time down there." Kenny sighed. "They wanted you to be there to see it, but..."

Steven looked sad again. "I wish I was there too… I mean, I'm glad they're happy, but… I just want to see them again, one more time."

Kenny leaned against a locker and crossed his arms. "Well, you can't do that… but I can pass along a message, if you'd like."

Down in Hell, Peridot was rearranging quite a bit of furniture in the replica of their barn that they had down here. "Hmmmmm…" she hummed. "I don't know if the flatscreen should go here or in the back of the Toyota slammed into the ceiling…"

Lapis entered. "You still moving stuff?"

"Well, yeah, there isn't a whole lot else to do here." Peridot raised her hand and admired the gold band adorned on her ring finger. "Besides, I think we need a new morp to commemorate recent events, and I have to make room for that."

Kenny entered the room. "Hey guys," he greeted.

"Oh, Kenny!" Peridot waved, grinning. "I need your opinion. Should our new TV go mounted on the wall, or hung loosely by a cable outside?"

Kenny shrugged. "I dunno, I'm not an interior decorator. Listen, I've got a message for you."

Peridot tilted her head. "From who?"

"From WHOM, dear," Lapis corrected.

"From whomst?"

Kenny reached into his pocket, and retrieved a letter. "It's from Steven."

Peridot frowned. "Steven…? I don't understand, how is that—"

"I told him about my power." Kenny shrugged. "He's… probably not going to remember, but he still wanted to give you this."

Peridot looked at the letter quizzically. She sighed, and opened it. Mentally, she read it in his voice.

Hi Peridot and Lapis!

I hope this letter gets to you okay! Kenny had to kill himself to get down there, and he told me it would hurt a lot.

The letter was spattered with blood—Kenny must have killed himself right there in front of Steven. Peridot was going to say that must have been traumatizing, but… Steven's already traumatized.

How are you doing? Are things going good? Kenny told me you got married and fused! I wish I could have been there to see it. I decided I was gonna call it "Lapidot". That's probably a crappy name, huh? Maybe you can write back, somehow, and tell me what her name actually is!

I miss you. A lot. We all do. Even Pearl.

Peridot chuckled at that.

Things up here… aren't that great. A lot of our friends were killed in the final days of the war, and we're still dealing with that. The President's asked the Crystal Gems to help him fix the country, since we're kind of the ones who broke it, but right now… we're just so busy burying our friends. We don't have time.

If you can't write back, I understand. Kenny told me I probably won't remember sending this letter. That's fine. I just wanted to let you know that I miss you, and we all love you both, and I hope you're not in any pain or anything. Eternal suffering sounds pretty bad.

See you in, like, 60 years, maybe!

Steven Diamond Universe

P.S. My mom was actually Pink Diamond. It was a whole thing. Really traumatic. Garnet's married now. Yellow Diamond bought me Red Dead Redemption 2, so she's cool, I guess. White Diamond is not cool. I don't ever want to meet her again.

Peridot realized that Lapis had been leaning over her shoulder and reading along with her. She sighed sadly and closed the letter. "I miss them."

"Their lives sound terrible now," Lapis muttered. "I mean… we're in HELL, and our lives are probably better."

Suddenly, Satan entered the barn. "Knock knock," he greeted. "Peridot, can I talk to you? Alone?"

Peridot was concerned. Truth be told, she had never interacted one-on-one with the prince of darkness. She wasn't sure what to expect. She glanced over at Lapis.

"Don't worry, he's a big softie," she said, kissing Peridot on the forehead. "You better go see what he wants."

Peridot nodded and walked past Kenny to meet with Satan. Satan closed the barn door. "Walk with me," he said. "Are you finding everything you need, here?"

"Yeah, things are… things are great," Peridot said, intimidated. "I'm surprised, actually. I'd only heard bad things about this place, but I'm really enjoying myself here. Like South Carolina."

"Well, yeah, the good parts of South Carolina," Satan quipped. "You've never been to ACTUAL South Carolina." Satan paused. "So, Peridot. Your death was… unexpected, to say the least."

"Yeah, I don't think anyone saw it coming," Peridot replied. "And anyone who SAYS they saw it coming is a liar. I think everyone just expected everything to… reset, or something. Like it was all going to be okay."

Satan moved forward. "Even so… your death wasn't necessary."

"It was necessary."

"Well, you could have saved yourself, let everyone else die."

Peridot stared at her feet. "I couldn't do that. I refused to do that."

"You sacrificed yourself. That's what I'm getting at, here."

Kenny, too curious for his own good, poked his head out of the barn doors to eavesdrop.

"I'd do it again," Peridot said. "Not that it did any good, everyone up there is still miserable."

"I know you would." Satan looked around the area. "Peridot, did you know that we have rules here in Hell?"

"No, I didn't."

"They were created shortly after the first Canadian-American War. At the end of that war, a very brave young boy sacrificed himself the same way you did."

Kenny smiled. That would be him.

"Because of that, anyone who sacrifices themselves gets one wish from me." Satan knelt down. "Now that wish has its own rules, but because of the extenuating circumstances, I'm going to bend a few. Peridot. I'm giving you a choice."

"A choice?"

Satan nodded. "Another chance at life."

Kenny grinned. There would be a happy ending after all!

"At your word, I can return both you and Lapis to the land of the living," Satan announced.

Peridot grinned as well. "Yes! That! Let's do that!"

"OR…" Satan continued. "You can wish to return planet Earth to the way it was before the war started. Lapis, Lars, Aquamarine, the Off Colors, PC Principal, Mackey, they'll all be brought back. And the millions of Canadians and Americans who were killed in the war."

"Oh, well, yeah, let's do that."

"BUT…" Satan wasn't done yet. "You will be forced to stay here."

"...what?"

Kenny, who was still eavesdropping, frowned. "Yes, I'm afraid that's the second part of your sacrifice," Satan said. "You may choose to save yourself, or you can save everyone else."

Peridot looked slightly less excited. She deflated as she considered her options. "Oh…" she said softly.

"I can let you think about it, if you want. Talk it over with Lapis."

"Yeah, I need some time," Peridot said, although she for sure was not going to discuss this with Lapis.

She had a feeling Lapis would oppose what Peridot was considering.

Kyle and his new "friend" arrived at the latter's cheating wife's apartment. "Get out of the car, kid!" the man ordered.

"Look, dude. You got the wrong guy," Kyle tried to reason with the man. "I'm ten. Okay? You're accusing a ten year-old of sleeping with your wife."

"Shut up!"

Kyle looked around. Officer Barbrady was just down the road. His eyes widened. "Hey! Hey, Officer Barbrady!"

Officer Barbrady raised an eyebrow and looked in Kyle's direction. "Oh, hello there, Kyle! Who's your friend?"

"He's not a friend, he's gonna kill me! Shoot him!"

Officer Barbrady shook his head. "No can do, Kyle, I'm on traffic duty now. This is outside of my jurisdiction."

The man glared at Kyle. "Alright, come on, kid, let's go," he said as he pushed Kyle up the stairs.

"You bastard!" Kyle shouted at Officer Barbrady. "You're going to let a fucking child die!"

Barbrady just stared blankly at Kyle as he was dragged into the apartment. He then glanced over at the kidnapper's truck. "Hey, wait a second… he's parked in a handicapped spot! Oh, he's going to get it." Retrieving a pen and a pad, Barbrady began writing out a citation.

The man knocked on the door. "Amy, come out here!" he yelled.

"Eat shit, Tom," a voice called from inside.

"I found another one of your boy toys!"

"I keep telling you, I'm ten!" Kyle argued.

"Yeah, and I heard about this preschool teacher who slept with one of her students," Tom argued back. "Your age isn't getting you out of this one!"

"But that's…!" Kyle sighed. "Okay, fine, that's fair."

Tom groaned and kicked the door down. His wife was laying on the couch, having sex with some other guy.

"Tom!" Amy exclaimed. "Get out of here you fucking psycho!"

The man she was having sex with stood up. "Hey, what's going on in—?!" his sentence, and his life, was cut short when Tom fired a bullet between his eyes.

"Jesus Christ, Tom!" Amy yelled. "This is why we can't have nice things!"

Kyle stared at the guy's body in horror. Ordinarily, he wouldn't care about something like this. But since the events at the White House, death suddenly impacted him a lot more. He felt sick to his stomach. "Oh, god, not another one!" he shouted. And if there was no status quo anymore…

"Shut up, kid, you're next," Tom threatened. "Amy. You fucked over the wrong man."

"Clearly."

Kyle glanced up at Tom. "You guys have some issues you need to work out, seriously. Jesus Christ…"

"What, and you think YOU can solve our problems?" Tom asked.

"Wait, Tom, is that boy Jewish?" Amy asked. "Maybe he CAN solve our problems!"

"You killed a guy," Kyle pointed out. "That guy's dead now. He's never coming back."

Tom knelt down to meet Kyle's eyes. "Little boy… you fucked my wife. I just need to know… why did she do it? What am I doing wrong?"

"Well, for starters, you should probably stop killing people," Kyle said, still staring at the corpse. "I'm not a woman, but I'd guess that's a major turnoff."

"He's right," Amy admitted. "You spend too much time at work."

Kyle tilted his head. "Work?"

"Amy, you know I work so hard because I love you," Tom defended. "I just want to give you a good life. I work hard so you don't have to."

"I know, it's just… you're never around. I get lonely," Amy sighed.

Tom was silent for a moment. "Maybe… maybe I should take some time off of work…" he admitted. "Maybe I should be spending less time on my job, and more time with you. Amy, I love you. I want to make this work."

Kyle was so confused. "You kill people at your job? What do you do?"

Tom raised an eyebrow. "I'm a hit man. Wasn't that obvious?"

"...no!"

"Tom, I want to make this work, too," Amy said. "You just need to stop spending so much time killing people for money."

"I will, Amy," Tom said. "Starting tomorrow, I'm taking a vacation. I'm going to dedicate that time to you."

"Oh, Tom!"

"I just have one more job I need to do, first." Tom looked frustrated. "Do you know a Kyle Broflovski?"

Kyle raised an eyebrow. "I'm Kyle Broflovski."

Tom smiled. "Oh, great!" He pointed his gun at Kyle. "Canada sends its regards."

Kyle glared. "Oh, god damn it."

"Did you really think it was over?" Tom asked. "It'll never be over. The only thing that could end it is, like, a total reset… some kind of… retcon, like… like if we just… went back, to before the war started. But as far as I can see, that's not happening. Even now, a team of hit men is closing in on your friends. The Crystal Gems. Mr. Garrison. Onion. Everyone who was involved. Nobody's making it out alive."

Meanwhile, at Tegridy Farms, Randy, Towelie, and Amethyst checked the quality of Randy's product. Towelie grabbed a leaf from a nearby hemp plant, rolled it up into a joint, lit it, and smoked it. "Yup, that's some good shit," he said as he passed the joint to Amethyst. She took a hit.

"Whoa, mama!" she exclaimed. "Sheesh, Randy, what're you growing here?"

"That's a little somethin' called 'tegridy," Randy replied in that stupid fake country accent he'd developed. "You guys should try it some time."

Garnet watched from the Marshes' front porch, a cowboy hat on her head and a stick of hay protruding from her mouth. Sharon sat next to her. "Sharon," Garnet said, breaking a long silence that had fallen between them.

Sharon stared at Garnet. She still wasn't entirely sure what to make of her. Although they met during the Member Berries epidemic that had immediately followed the Presidential Election, Sharon admittedly hadn't spent much time getting to know the Crystal Gems. All she knew is that they, through one mysterious circumstance or another, knew Randy, and because he trusted them, so did she.

But now, with the Crystal Gems quickly moving their base of operations into Tegridy Farms, Sharon once again found herself interacting with these strange alien women that she didn't REALLY know. "Yes, Garnet?" she replied.

"You and Randy have been together a long time, haven't you?"

"Fifteen years. But Randy's told me that you've been, uh, 'together' for even longer than that," Sharon replied, alluding to one of the stranger aspects of the fusion.

Garnet nodded. "In all those years, I don't think the Crystal Gems have ever faced the internal challenges and struggles we had to face in 2018. You and Randy, you've had your fair share of troubles, haven't you?"

Sharon closed her eyes and chuckled. "You could say that, yes. But we make it work."

"I think we have a lot to learn from you," Garnet said. Suddenly, she frowned. This did not go unnoticed by Sharon, who raised an eyebrow.

"Garnet?" she said. "Are you—"

"Get inside the house," Garnet commanded.

"Why? What's—?"

"Randy!" Garnet yelled, standing up. "Randy, get inside!"

Randy and Amethyst looked worried. "What do you see?" Randy asked.

Towelie just looked confused. "Man, I have no idea what's going on right now."

The closing of a car door startled Randy. He turned around, and saw that a simple black sedan had pulled up to the farmhouse. Its driver, a gray-haired man in a suit and black gloves, stepped out. "Good afternoon, Mr. Marsh," the man greeted. "You're keeping dangerous company, you know that?"

Randy stepped forward. "Can I help you with something?" he asked, dropping the fake country accent.

"My name is Leo Teal. My partners and I represent a… consulting firm, and one of our clients has asked us to… settle some business with your houseguests."

Randy glared at the man. "I think you should leave, partner," he said, putting the accent back on. "And next time you come around here, bring your Tegridy with you."

"Oh, I'm afraid we won't be doing that, Mr. Marsh," Leo said definitively. "I'm going to have to ask you to step aside."

"Oh, yeah? Or what?" Randy continued to glare at the man, but stepped backwards when he realized that Teal, and his associates, were all armed. Teal pulled a silver pistol out of a holster under his coat.

"Simply put, it would be detrimental to your health." Teal narrowed his eyes at Randy. "You have a beautiful family, Mr. Marston. I would hate to have to force them to bury you."

"You've been playing Red Dead Redemption?" Randy asked.

"Tell me something, Mr. Marsh, are you confident that Stanley is being kept safe in that school of his?"

This suddenly got a lot more serious. "If you put a fucking hand on Stan—"

"Then step aside, Mr. Marsh."

Randy stared hopelessly at Teal, then at Amethyst and Towelie.

"Do what he says," Amethyst commanded. "You don't have to be involved."

"Ah, that's one of them now." Teal pointed his gun at Amethyst.

"NO!" Without thinking, Randy ran to tackle Teal. A gunshot rang out. Garnet and Sharon immediately stood up. Sharon screamed.

"Randy!"

Towelie gasped. "Ho-lee shit! I am way too high for this right now!"

Teal pushed Randy's body off of him, and glared at it. "You shouldn't have pissed me off, Mr. Marsh."

"Oh my god!" Amethyst yelled. "You killed Randy! You bastard!"

Tears streamed down Sharon's face as she looked on in horror. Why was this happening? They were supposed to have their happy ending, dammit, it was over!

Back in Hell, Peridot watched as Lapis slept. She tried to savor it. This would be the last time. She sighed, and placed a note in the blue gem's hands. Kenny approached her.

"So, you've decided, huh?" he asked.

Peridot nodded. "This is the right thing to do." A tear rolled down her cheek. "Where's Satan?"

Kenny held out his hand. "Come on. I'll walk you to him." Peridot grabbed his hand and they walked out into the fires of Hell.

"Kenny, can you make me a promise?" Peridot asked as they walked. "Promise me you'll make sure nothing like that war ever happens again."

Kenny didn't normally like making promises, because promises were hard to keep, but he nodded anyway. "I promise."

Peridot and Kenny reached Satan's house. He was waiting for them. "So. You've made your decision."

Peridot nodded, wiping a tear away. "Yeah. So, uh, how does this work?"

"Just tell me your wish."

Peridot sighed. "Return everything to the way it was before the war."

Satan nodded. "You're sure?"

"Just do it."

"As you wish." Satan raised a fist in the air. Fire surrounded him as a pentagram formed underneath his feet. The entire plane began to shake, and golden dust left Satan's fingertips and soared into the air.

Kyle, whose forehead was still pressed against Tom's gun, sighed. "Are you going to shoot me, yet?" No response. "Hello?" Kyle looked up. Tom had been frozen. "...what the fuck?" Suddenly, Kyle was surrounded in golden dust. It was at this point that he realized he was standing on top of his own body. A bullet had been placed in the copy's forehead. "Hey, what—what the hell's going on?!"

Back at South Park Elementary, Vice Principal Strong Woman frantically attempted to take care of her PC Babies, who were crying because of the new oriental rug that Strong Woman had placed in the room.

"Shh, shhhh, it's okay," she muttered. Suddenly, golden dust creeped into the room from under her door. She raised an eyebrow. "What the hell…?"

The dust began to tower next to her. At first, it was completely formless, but then… it took shape. It was a shape she recognized. A shape she missed.

PC Principal stood there, a stupid look on his face. "PC is here to stay," he announced.

The same happened across South Park, Beach City, and the entirety of planet Earth. Gold dust surrounded the planet, as every wrong caused by the Canadian-American War was undone. Every man, woman, and Gem who'd been killed in the conflict pulled a Reverse Thanos was returned to the land of the living.

In Canada, Prime Minister Dave stared sadly at the ruins of Toronto. The Vice President of Big Donut sat next to him, all ghoulish and feral and shit. Dave sighed.

"Can we ever rebuild, buddy?" he asked.

The VP shrugged. "Don't ask me. I'm feral!"

The two remaining members of the Canadian Crystal Gems, Granite and Citrine, approached Dave. "Don't you worry aboot that, guy," Granite said. "Everything's going to be okay soon."

Dave raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean by that?"

Scott the Dick arrived. "We're going to get revenge on those American bastards. Even now, hitmen are closing in on the locations of those responsible."

Dave smacked Scott in the face. "Scott, you fucking dickwheel! Killing the Crystal Gems isn't going to bring our city back!"

It was at this point that gold dust descended upon Toronto, which was rebuilt in seconds. The dust also surrounded the Big Donut VP, and he was transformed from a terrible monster into a man once again. "Hey, look, buddy!" he announced. "I'm not feral anymore!"

Gold dust formed next to Granite in the shape of Canadian Pearl, and soon she too was back. Dave looked between Canadian Pearl, the city, and the VP, and blinked. "Huh. I suppose murder DOES solve all of our problems."

The Canadian Crystal Gems celebrated. "Our plan must have worked!" Granite realized. "The Crystal Gems are dead, and now our friends are back!"

Together, the Canadians celebrated the return of their city.

Back on Tegridy Farms, Randy was already being revived by the power of Peridot's wish. As he stood up, he smirked at his assassins. "It's gonna take a lot more than that to rid me of my Tegridy," he said cockily in his stupid fake country accent.

Sharon wipes a tear away, confused. "Randy…?"

Amethyst's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "WHOA! Randy, how did you DO that?!"

Teal was confused. "I don't understand. You're dead. I killed you. How are you still standing?!" Suddenly, HE was surrounded by the gold dust. "What the hell's going on?!"

Randy looked at his friends, and his wife. This was his family. He stood firmly as the dust surrounded Teal and the group of assassins. "We've got Tegridy here, Teal. Where's yours?"

Teal glared up at the sky. "Damn you, Tegridy!" he shouted as he vanished, as did the gold dust.

Garnet and Sharon approached the others and stared at the spot where the assassins once stood. Garnet was the one to break the silence. "You know… this is pretty fucked up, right here."

Ice cold beer, bear-armed fish

Country music and Peridot's wish

We've got 'tegrity no matter where we are

That's life living underneath the stars.

In Beach City, the dust restored the Big Donut, and even completely rebuilt Lars's space ship—with Lars and the Off Colors inside. He stepped outside, and was immediately greeted with a hug from Sadie. Lapis's Gem reformed afterwards, and Lapis herself took shape. She looked around, confused.

"Peridot?" she called out. "Peridot, where are you?"

While searching, she came across a peculiar looking human. Short, blonde, with spiked-up hair, wearing a Big Donut polo. She stopped, and approached her, reading the name tag on her breast.

Her name was "Dot".

We don't need nothin' from space corporations

We don't need space flight or fancy innovations

Maybe our 'tegrity's doin' us harm

But that's life living underneath the stars.

On Homeworld, Blue and Yellow Diamond jointly addressed their court. For the first time, Homeworld was allowed to mourn their fallen comrades. It was the beginning of the Third Era; an era of peace and love with Planet Earth. Suddenly, gold dust enveloped the throne room. First, Aquamarine and Topaz returned. They were followed by the dozens of Quartz soldiers who were shattered in the battle of Washington, and, as a personal favor from Satan himself, the many, many soldiers who were killed in the war with the Crystal Gems thousands of years ago.

Steven's a Diamond, PC Principal's a dad

From Bezos to Homeworld, there's lots of reasons to feel bad

The globe is warming but that's okay

'Cuz we're gonna live on Mars together someday.

Finally, every wrong was made right, and everyone returned to the land of the living… except for one.

Peridot watched from Hell as Planet Earth returned to its rightful state. Everyone was alive. Everyone was happy. She was all alone now. But even she was happy. She strummed on her ukelele as she continued to sing.

"I know on the surface, this ending seems sad.

Well I'm here to tell you that it's not so bad.

Now my friends can live in harmony~..."

She paused.

"Even if they're doing it all without me."

Peridot sighed and put the instrument down. "It really is lonely down here…" she mumbled. Satan sat down next to her.

"Yeah. It is," he said. "So. How come you did what you did?"

Peridot shrugged. "I had to put the greater good above my own happiness. Isn't that what sacrifice is all about?"

Satan nodded. "Yes. It is." He paused. "You know, Peridot… I just got back from talking to the big man upstairs. He'd really like to see you."

Peridot tilted her head in confusion. "Big man upstairs?"

At Satan's instruction, Peridot made her way "upstairs", into Heaven. It was there that she was greeted by a friendly human man in a white dress shirt, black pants, and a black tie. The man waved at her. "Hello!" he greeted. "My name is Elder Price. Welcome to Heaven, Peridot. I've been asked to show you around."

Peridot looked up at the large golden gates in front of her. "What is this place?"

"This is eternal life!" Price explained. "On Earth, I served in a missionary in Uganda with my partner, Elder Cunningham. We preached the word of Heavenly Father to all who would listen! We even established a branch of the Church of the Latter Day Saints right there in the village. That was, of course, until I got maggots in my scrotum and died. Because of my commitment to the teachings of Joseph Smith, I was graciously rewarded. Now, I welcome others into the realm of God."

"So why am I here?" Peridot asked as she was led past the gates. "Am I in trouble?"

"Quite the contrary! Due to your selfless acts during the Second Canadian-American War, you've been allowed passage into Heaven, which is quite a prestigious honor for a non-Mormon."

Peridot and Elder Price approached a door. "You still haven't explained what this place is," Peridot said.

Price smiled. "It is whatever you make of it."

Peridot raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"You see, we Mormons believe that, when you die, your service to Heavenly Father will be rewarded with…" Price chuckled. "Well, you oughta find out for yourself."

Peridot stared at the door. Her own name was engraved on it. "What's behind his door?"

"What would you LIKE to be behind the door?"

Peridot thought about it for a moment. Sighing, she apprehensively tested the knob. It was unlocked. She stared at Elder Price, who continued to smile at her.

"Go on!" he encouraged.

Peridot opened the door. Suddenly, she was bathed in a white light. She could hear voices.

"Peridot… Peridot… PERIDOT!"

Peridot snapped back to reality upon realizing everyone was staring at her. "Wait. What?"

"Peridot, are you okay?" Steven asked.

Peridot looked around. A Christmas tree. Stockings. Holly, mistletoe. It was snowing outside. She looked down at her hands.

Lapis's stocking. Lapis was gone.

Peridot was so confused. It's… Christmas… she thought to herself. She looked over at the calendar.

December 24th, 2017. Christmas Eve.

Peridot's eyes widened. This was THAT Christmas. The one where Lapis tried to ruin Christmas in South Park. Had she been sent… back in time? Or was this what Elder Price meant, when he said she'd be granted eternal life?

Was she getting a second chance?

She realized it at that moment. This WAS a second chance. A chance to do things right. Peridot smiled. "Yeah," she replied. "Yeah, I'm going to be fine."

Steven looked worried. "Are you sure?"

Peridot nodded. "Of course. Just, uh, a bad memory, is all." Everything was going to be better, this time. This time around, the Crystal Gems were going to have a little 'tegrity.

After Christmas, Peridot offered to accompany the Crystal Gems to their mission in Canada. When the Canadian Gems appeared, she was able to mediate peace. The Crystal Gems agreed to allow Granite, Citrine, and Canadian Pearl to do their thing so long as they never left New Toronto—likewise, the Crystal Gems were banished from ever entering Canada again.

The following year, a lot of stuff happened. Steven and Connie went to space and met up with Lars and the Off Colors once more. Sadie started a band. Garnet got a cat. Steven learned, properly, who his mother really was, though Peridot was forced to feign ignorance—"YOU'RE Pink Diamond?!" she asked with false incredulity.

"My mom was. Which I guess means I am. I don't know!" Steven replied.

Peridot hummed. "I suppose this makes me a member of your court…"

At some point before that, the kids from South Park phoned to ask for help with Trent Boyett—this wound up being a scheme concocted by Professor Chaos to finally defeat Coon and Friends, a scheme which Peridot happily joined, as she had the previous time.

This time, however, they stuck around for a few weeks and the Gems helped the town deal with a variety of issues, culminating in their aiding Randy in defeating Jeff Bezos with Tegridy. Steven and Stan forged a brotherly bond once Stan learned how cool Gem stuff was. He, his family, and his friends were invited to Garnet's wedding—which was crashed by Bismuth, Blue and Yellow Diamond, and eventually Lapis herself. The reunion didn't last, however, as both Peridot and Lapis were poofed.

Yellow and Blue came to learn Steven's true identity, and agreed to help him fix the corrupted Gems on Earth, but first, they'd need help from White Diamond. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny realized this was much bigger than they ever thought—and volunteered to accompany Steven, the Gems, and Connie to Homeworld. It was here that they came face to face with White Diamond, who killed Kenny.

Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth joined them at their darkest hour, and together they faced off against White Diamond, who found herself flawed when faced with Steven's childlike naïveté.

The Diamonds returned to Earth and together cured the corrupted Gems. The Third Era had begun. At last, Earth and Homeworld were at peace. As the boys celebrated, Kenny approached them.

"Hey guys, what's going on?" he asked.

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Kenny, where the hell were you? You missed the space adventure."

Kenny just shrugged.

Eventually, all of the excitement died down. The boys returned home, as did the Diamonds. That night, the Crystal Gems—Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, and Steven, along with Peridot, Lapis, Connie, Bismuth, and Greg—all had a cookout. Peridot sat next to Lapis and sighed.

"What's up?" Lapis asked.

Peridot shrugged. "Just thinking."

"About what?"

"About how different our lives could have been."

"If we hadn't met Steven?"

Peridot paused. "Yeah. If we hadn't met Steven…" She shrugged. "Ah, well. Best not dwell on the past."

Suddenly, through Greg's boom box, Peridot's favorite song came on.

We can dance if we want to,

We can leave your friends behind.

Because your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance

Well they're no friends of mine.

Peridot stood up and got down. "Oh. OH! This one's my FAVORITE!"

Lapis chuckled. "Well then… may I have this dance?"

Peridot nodded. "Of course."

Lapis grabbed Peridot's hand.