95 Tom's POV
"Okay, so I think that maybe it was asking a bit much of you to make a decision that affects everybody around you, no matter how small of a decision it is, so I think we should try a different approach." Natasha paused for a few seconds, thinking things through.
"What kind of approach?" I didn't know if I liked the sound of a different approach to things. But at the same time, I couldn't carry on like this. I couldn't be scared like this, I couldn't keep on freaking out over everything. I really needed help to deal with this, before things went really wrong for me.
But I was so scared, I didn't know if I could. Nothing seemed to go right, everything was so difficult to deal with, and it just felt so much easier to carry on in the way I was used to. I knew what I was doing when I was following the same old routine, the one I had been following for years. I was safe. I knew what I was doing, how to deal with it, and exactly where I stood. I didn't have to talk to others, make any decision for myself, I could just follow orders.
That wasn't what everyone wanted though. They wanted me more independent, able to look after my son by myself, be the old me. I didn't even remember what the old me was like, but that was what they wanted, and thought was best. And, if I was honest, I did want to be happier, and calmer, instead of like this all the time. Scared of being left again, treated like dirt. I wanted to be able to look after Buzz myself, to be the good dad he deserved.
"How about if we start small. Small decisions about yourself, maybe about Buzz too, if you're up to it." Natasha suggested, "As in, you decide what Buzz eats, and what you eat. Or, or you buy something for yourself, something that you really want. When was the last time you did anything you really wanted to do?"
"I, I don't know." I didn't have a clue, really, really didn't know.
"Okay, well, is there anything you really want? Or something you want to do?" Natasha asked, I still didn't know. It had been so long since I had considered myself in any sort of capacity further than what I was doing for others, I didn't think there was anything I could remember wanting.
"I don't know, I really... I'm sorry, I don't know." I didn't want to ruin her plans but I didn't have any ideas! There wasn't anything I could think of! I didn't do things for myself!
"It's okay, you're allowed to not know. Not knowing is normal in your situation," I wish people would stop saying what was normal for people like me, "How about if you have a think for a while, consider things you enjoy, or at least remember enjoying. Maybe you could come up with a few ideas for that, and we can discuss together if anything seems appealing to you now."
"So I just, have to think about what I like?" I asked, it seemed too simple.
"For now, yes. And then we'll figure out if anything still holds appeal for you now, or at least feels worthy to explore again." Natasha answered, "If it helps, I remember that you used to love playing video games, and watching films, especially ones like Back To The Future. Writing songs used to bring you a lot of comfort too. Anything like that would be a good place to start."
"I'll, I'll have a think." It was all I could do, I had no other option, or other idea of what to do with myself.
"Great, and remember the key is to think of things you enjoy, and will make you happy. It's not about making others happy, it's about you. It'll be hard, but it's all a part of the process of recovering yourself." Natasha explained, "You can call me whenever you want if you need more advice, and can talk to your friends if you need inspiration."
"I'll, I'll think about it." talking about things I enjoyed with Danny, Harry and Dougie felt like a bad idea, like an incredibly stupid idea at the least. Every one of my nerve endings screamed that it was a bad plan, a very, very bad plan.