Flynn woke up to silence and a cold bed that left him confused. He tried to blink the sleep away and the muddle fogging his brain. He reached out with his good hand but on the small cot his hand fell right off the side into the cold empty air. He slowly leaned up, groggy from the pain meds that Lucy had given him earlier.
"Lucy?" He called out gruffly, his voice thick with sleepy making his accent more pronounced.
But the room was silent and dark, cold and still. He sat up slowly, his shoulder stiff from laying on the hard cot all night at a weird angle. He was sure that the activities from last night didn't help but it was well worth it. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. He looked at the clock and realized that to was only 5am. He sat for a moment thinking that Lucy might have gone to the bathroom, but when a few more minutes had passed he started to get a feeling that something wasn't right. He stood and walked over to turn the light on. He looked around until he saw the letter sitting on the desk and his heart stuttered.
Something was wrong… He knew it and he didn't want to pick up the letter.
His heart was racing, he didn't want to read it, he could see his name scrolled across the front in Lucy's writing, and that little piece of paper was terrifying him a in a way that nothing else did. His breath was coming out in a fast cadence like he had just run across the room.
He walked over and slowly picked it up, his hand shook a little and he carefully opened it and unfolded the papers to see her beautiful script across the page. He slowly began to read, and his heart burst then shattered then settled into a painful ache that felt like it was swallowing him. His breath was ragged, and his eyes were misting with water he refused to let fall.
My dearest Flynn,
I honestly don't know where to start this letter. Do I tell you how you have changed my life? Do I tell you how much I love you? Or do I start with all the reasons that I love you, like you once did for me. Do I tell you why I have made the decision to do what I am doing?
I know that no matter where I start, you are going to realize that I have left, and you are going to be angry, hurt, frustrated and maybe right back to furious at me.
So, I am going to try and start with something that will make you smile and maybe take the edge off of your anger. I realized something when I was making this decision. I was not doing this to save the world from Rittenhouse…. I am not doing this to save the team, or even Rufus. Yes, part of this is for those things, I want Rufus back. I love him like a little brother. I want to stop Rittenhouse, I want to save the few people that I love that are left.
But the reason that made me do this, the reason that I am choosing to go…... is you!
I have been thinking about the things that you said to me that day, when you forced me to be honest, forced me to listen to you.
GOD…...Garcia, YOU always were so forceful. I hated you in that first second, I wanted you to listen to me be angry. I wanted you to tell me I was right. Instead you blindsided me with your love. And I hated you for a moment because I wanted to be angry and hurt…... but instead you made me feel loved and cherished. I realized that you were doing what I needed, listening to me scream…... seeing me at my worst and loving me anyway. I know that I was harsh to you that day and I am so, so sorry for that. But I am also so glad that I was because that showed me that even when I am at my worst, even when I am being terrible. You wanted me…... you were fighting FOR me… you still loved me.
Then I quickly realized that everything that you were telling me, everything that you were bombarding me with, God, it terrified me… because it was there for me too…... hidden under layers of guilt and pain.
Layered under fear and worry.
Fear that you could never love me the way that I loved you. Worry that, why could you possibly want me when you already had a family that you loved and adored. And absolute terror that one day we would come back, and your Lorena and Iris would be here, and you would leave to go back to them.
Then the shame came… the shame that I could want…...that I would want you to forever be away from the ones you loved, the guilt of the selfishness. How could I wish that they would never come back? How could I be that person that wished away a wife and a child. What kind of person was I.
But God forgive me because in the end, it didn't matter because I loved you, and I want you to be safe always. I want you to be happy always. No matter what. Even if that means that I lose you, it doesn't matter as long as you are happy… as long as you are safe!
If I do this and your family is alive and safe, and you are happy…... then I will Thank God you are safe and happy…... and if we stop Rittenhouse and it is just you and I, then I will Thank God and love you fiercely for the rest of my life.
And if something happens to me while I am trying to stop Rittenhouse, I need you to know… without a shadow of a doubt, that I love you! Fiercely and completely…. Not as a second choice, not as an only choice. But as the man who took my heart and ran. If I had met you on the street and none of this had ever happened, I would have fallen in love with you.
The way that you tilt your head and half smile at me when you think that I am not looking. The way you are always looking around, for me, to protect me. The way that you snort when you are reading something that you don't agree with. The way that I can sit with you and talk about history and politics and a million other things. The way that you do not just agree with me, to make me happy. But instead purposely argue against me …. I know that you do it, just to irritate me! But it also makes me love you… and want you so much more. You once told me that you could go on forever, for a million different reasons. It is the same for me now Garcia. It might have taken me a moment to catch my breath and to get past the pain, fear and guilt. But now it has taken over my life and I go into this next mission with no fear and no worry, because I know that you will be ok in the end.
And that is all that matters.
Now to the part that I know you are going to hate…. That part that even in this second you are silently screaming at me for. I had to leave, I had to go…I have to stop Rittenhouse…. And I need to do it alone right now.
I am going to do everything I can to make sure that you stay safe. That you are happy. That you know how much you mean to me. That the team is safe, that the world is safe.
I know that you will be unbelievably angry with me. If I was there you would tell me that it is your job to protect me, that I shouldn't do this.
But then I am going to challenge you. Why can you protect me, but I can't protect you? Why does it always have to be you standing in front of the bullet, walking in front of the danger. Why can I not stand in front of you, fight for you.
The answer that will drive you crazy and piss you off beyond belief…. I can fight for you… and I am going to.
Starting today.
I am going to tear Rittenhouse apart from the inside out, I am going to stop them from ever hurting another family, from hurting another child. Then I am going to do everything in my power to come back to you.
Second Lucy will explain to you what is going on and what I am doing…. Well as much as she can… as much as I told her to tell you.
I love you Garcia… I love you, my dearest.
Volim te draga
Yours, Lucy.
Flynn slowly began to back up until his knees hit the chair and he fell into it, his heart racing, his fury raging. How dare she…. how dare she go without telling him.
How dare she leave the only place he could protect her.
How dare she …...how dare she. His mind was racing.
His breath caught, and he gasped as the pain encompassed him from every side.
As the helplessness and frustration came in rolling waves that threatened to drowned him.
He could not lose her, yet she was gone. He would not survive…
NO, he could not even think about her being gone, about losing her.
He REFUSED to let the thought cross his mind, because as soon as it began to form his heart would clench and he would be unable to breath.
He was gasping as the panic attack began to take over, he was helpless, unable to save her just like he was unable to save…. NO!
He let the pain, frustration, terror morph into fury. Fury he could deal with… fury he could hold onto, harness and use. His hand clenched the letter as he stood and stalked out of his room, slamming his door hard enough against the wall it echoed down the hall. He practically flew to the kitchen area where the team had already begun to gather, eating breakfast and drinking coffee.
The entire room stopped as he stalked in, chest heaving. He did not even remember that he was in low riding sweat pants and nothing else, he was to focused on finding the person he was looking for.
"Well shit, now I understand." Jiya said from the corner looking up and down Flynn's body with admiration, but when Flynn turned his head in her direction and his hard-angry eyes hit hers she froze, he looked wild.
Flynn was on the hunt, but not for her. So, he looked around again until he saw second Lucy look at him and take a breath. His breath caught and then he walked across the room, throwing the letter at her. His eyes were wild and Jiya and Conner backed up as the two Wyatt's stood up.
"Where the fuck is she?" Flynn's arms ached to grab her and shake her, but he couldn't bring himself to lay hands on her. So instead he snarled getting right up next to her. "WHERE IS SHE." He roared again, his breath coming out in almost gasps and the panic started to come out again.
Second Lucy held up her hands to the two Wyatt's that were walking over to get in between her and Flynn, telling that it was ok and stop. "I told her to talk to you. But she and I…... we both knew that you would never be ok with this decision. She told me, that if she talked to you first, that you would never let her go." She said softly with understanding.
"What so you mean, she left?" Wyatt said looking back and forth between Flynn and second Lucy.
"So, she know even last night, even at dinner?" Flynn didn't even bother to acknowledge Wyatt, he just looked at second Lucy and repeated his question, "Where did she go?"
Second Lucy bit her lip carefully nodding, "She went to Rittenhouse headquarters. I knew… know where it was at." She said softly.
Wyatt and Jiya gasped behind Flynn, but Flynn still didn't turn and look at them, "Great, I will get dressed and you will take me there." He said about to turn to get dressed.
Second Lucy shook her head, "I can't do that…... I promised her that I would keep you here and …. keep you safe." She whispered.
Flynn's head snapped back like he had been slapped, "And her… how the fuck is she safe at Rittenhouse?" He looked at her closely, "Did you do this in your time line?" He growled.
Second Lucy shook her head, "No, but after she and I talked…. We are hoping this can stop some bad events before they happen…. Change my time line." She said softly.
"And if she is hurt or GOD help you, dies… then you die… you are ok with that?" He asked with a snarl. "Because I am not ok with that future."
Second Lucy looked down at her hands for a moment before looking up, "Lucy and I…. we talked." She said with a small smile. "We understand the risks and we are willing to take them…. To change some things… make them better." She looked over at second Wyatt for a moment who nodded at her before walking away. "What we are fighting for…... it is worth fighting for Garcia." She said softly. "Not just stopping Rittenhouse or getting Rufus back…...there are other reasons."
Flynn picking up the table and turned it over in his rage, his breath ragged "And what about my say? What about my vote and thoughts." He bellowed. "You and Lucy just make a decision without talking to anyone else. With getting anyone else's thoughts, inputs or help." He said chest heaving. "Because I am NOT ok with this plan… I am not ok." He said finishing softly…... brokenly as his rage turned into panic again.
Second Lucy gave him a small smile, "Yes…... because we knew that no one here would be on our side, no one would agree to this plan." She walked closer but didn't touch his back that he had given her, "We knew that you wouldn't be ok with it."
"Agent Christopher?" Flynn asked hollowly.
Lucy shook her head, "We told her that Lucy needed to run to her house for some information hidden there. From there Lucy is going to sneak away and go to Rittenhouse headquarters." She said.
"And do what when she gets there?" Wyatt asked from behind Flynn.
Second Lucy turned to the two Wyatt's watching her, "Tell Rittenhouse that her mother explained everything to her…. That she had made a mistake working against them, that she was taking over Rittenhouse." She said softly.
Flynn's eyes flared open, "Are you Fucking kidding me…. you sent her into a death trap, with no back up and no REAL plan." He shook his head, "You sent her into the hornets' nest with nothing."
He walked over and grabbed second Lucy gently by the shoulders, "Tell me where she is going, tell me so I can go right now and stop her… to bring her back." He begged her, voice broken and tears he had refused to let fall, seeping down his face. "Please."
Second Lucy shook her head, "It is a risk, one that we both went over. I gave her so much information that she should be fine. Dates and times, and locations. She is going to say she was working with her mom. She is going to let Rittenhouse know that Emma killed their leader. She has a plan Garcia, she didn't just go in there with nothing." She said reaching out to him, but he jerked back, away from her like she was fire.
"You both made this decision with no input for me, no thought to me." He said savagely. "When she gets back I am going to kill her."
Second Lucy shook her head at him, "You don't understand Garcia…. You are the reason she is doing this…. The reason she is fighting… you don't know what is going to happen." She said softly.
Flynn looked up at her with blank eyes the rage seeping away again into helplessness, "and you do not understand that it doesn't matter…... if anything happens to her… anything. None of this matter…." He looked at her with haunted eyes, "You have left me with no way to help, no way to protect her." He said coving his face with his hand, a sob terrifying everyone in the room, no one had ever seen this emotion, this display from Flynn…. He was lost, and it scared them.
Second Lucy walked over and cupped his cheeks, "You find Rufus, bring him back… then she comes home. We find Rufus, she comes home, I go back to the future and Rittenhouse burns." She said softly.
Flynn looked up at her broken, "And if we can't find Rufus…. or she gets hurt?"
Second Lucy shook her head at him, "We will find Rufus and she will be fine…. We are tougher then we look." She pulled him into a tight hug, "We will stop them, and we will be ok… all of us."
Flynn shook his head, "Can you swear that?" He asked clenching her, but it wasn't the same as his Lucy.
"I am not going to lie to you Garcia, I never have, and I never will. But I will tell you that she is fighting for the world, for Rufus and for you." She said into his ear "She will fight with everything she has."
Flynn let go of her and stepped back, "That is not enough." He whispered, "I barely survived losing one family, one love…. I will not survive it again. If I lose her…... I will burn the world down, I will burn everything including Rittenhouse. No one will be safe from me…. No one."
He said with a blank emotionless voice. He grabbed the letter off the floor and walked away, back to his room… their room… leaving a stunned and silent room. He pushed the door closed carefully, leaning his forehead against it, his eyes closed so tightly he could stop the new tears that were threatening to fall.
How dare she tell him that she loved him in a letter.
How dare she give him this hope and love only to rip it away by leaving without talking to him.
He slammed his fist into the metal door and didn't flinch when he heard the pop in his hand.
How dare she go and do this without him, how fucking dare she just leave….
He could not breath, his heart was racing…... he had not had a panic attack like this since …
No, he couldn't think about…. He couldn't move… he couldn't…. he slid down to his knees, his forehead still leaning on the door. He didn't know how long that he sat there, how long he couldn't breathe. He couldn't think about anything. He just wanted to go back to sleep, back to when he was holding Lucy in his arms.
But he was started back to the present when there was a light tap on his door.
"Flynn?" He heard Jiya whisper to him through the door. "Are you in there?"
Flynn said nothing, just sat back on his heels, his head tipped so his chin hit his chest. His hands on his thighs. Jiya opened the door carefully and gasped softly when she saw him. "Ohh Flynn." She whispered, sliding through the small opening into his room and closing the door.
She walked over and kneeled down next to him, "She is going to be ok…. I have never met anyone as strong as Lucy. She will go in there and destroy them from the inside out….. Then she will come home, and we will all be back together. You and Lucy, me and Rufus." She looked at the man that she once feared and hated and felt nothing but pity and understanding. She knew what he was going through in that moment, probably the only on in the bunker… yet for Flynn it was worse…. Because she had already lost Rufus, she knew he was at peace wherever he was… and they were fighting to bring him back…. But Flynn was living in a world of uncertainly… was she alive? Was she ok? Was she being hurt…and he had no way during any of it, to stop it, help her or control anything.
He was human, and he had been pushed before and the world had felt his wrath. Now if something would happen to Lucy, she knew he was going to burn down any and everything in his way. And this time she was glad he was on their side. That he was fighting for Rufus… fighting for Lucy.
"Flynn look at me." She whispered to him and reached out and grabbed his hand when she saw the blank look in his eyes. "You have to fight…. You have to know that she is going to be ok… in your heart, believe that she is going to be ok." She sighed and sat back on her ass, her back hitting the door, "I am trying to do the same with Rufus, believe that he is ok… that he is coming back. Because if I don't, I fall into this deep hole…. And I am not helping anyone from that hole."
Flynn looked up at her, his eyes haunted in a way that made her heart ache, "I….. I am so, so…..so angry." He said softly. "All I feel right now is anger and frustration…and helplessness." He shook his head, "How can I help her from here…... how do I protect her from here?" He looked down at his hand that was quickly swelling to twice the size. "What am I supposed to do?"
Jiya laughed as she looked at his hand, "Well I don't think breaking your hand was helping anyone."
Flynn shrugged, "Lucy said I have to stop hurting people when I am upset…. That I have to find new ways to express my anger." He said.
Jiya raised an eyebrow, "I don't think she meant for you to hurt yourself!" She said.
Flynn finally gave a small smile, "Well she can yell at me for it when she gets home." He said trying to flex his hand and hissing in pain.
"Ohhh she will… because I intend to rat you out so fast." She said, "Come on, lets go take a look at it in the sick bay… then we will figure out what we can do from here to help Lucy." She said standing up and holding out a hand for him. "But…. Ummm." She paused as she watched him stand. "You might want to put on some clothes…. I know that your Lucy…would not be happy that second Lucy keeps starting at you." She said with a grin.
Flynn rolled his eyes at her, "Then she should have stayed here to keep me in check." He said.
Jiya laughed, "Do you plan on telling her that?" she looked him in the eye, "because I call bullshit."
Flynn shrugged but grabbed a shirt off the bed and slid it on, and Jiya watched the shirt as it slid down his chest to cover him.
Flynn looked at her with a raised eyebrow and she shrugged at him, "What I am human and can appreciate the finer things in life." She said as she pulled the door open to walk out. "Plus…. personally, I like Rufus's temperament better." She gave Flynn a grin, "He is smart enough not to punch walls when he is upset."
Flynn chuckled at her joke as he followed her out, a plan already forming in his mind.