107 Tom's POV
Natasha opened our session by getting straight to the point, asking me about how my attempt at doing something for myself worked out. I actually felt myself pale at the thought of talking about it, I hadn't wanted to, never wanted to speak of the mistake ever again. It was embarrassing, and stupid. I had done so much wrong, had completely screwed up, I didn't want to talk about it now, not ever if I could help it. I didn't like talking about mistakes.
"It went... I didn't enjoy myself." I answered, trying desperately not to fidget. My wife said I looked ridiculous when I fidgeted. Ridiculous and guilty. The last thing I wanted to be was guilty.
"Oh no, why not?" Natasha asked, kindly, but with a tone that said that she wanted answers.
"I... it didn't feel right." Stupid plan, stupid mistake, horrendous idea.
"Alright, well it's okay for it to not feel okay, why didn't it feel right?" Natasha pressed on, I wished she would ask something else, talk about something else, anything else. I wanted to talk about a different subject, something different, something that wasn't about me and my stupid plans.
"It was... it was a stupid idea. And a stupid thing to do." I explained, pulling my sleeves over my hands, knowing it made me look guilty, but unable to help it. Sleeves over my hands felt safe. Or at least, more covered up. I wanted to be covered from the scrutiny.
"Why's that?" she continued, prodding and prodding until I talked about it properly, just like always. Couldn't I avoid anything, just for once?!
"It was... I didn't like it. I didn't... it felt fanciful. Like I was doing something just for myself." I hadn't... I couldn't remember the last time I had acted on my own wishes, "It wasn't productive, didn't benefit anyone else, only made myself and Buzz look stupid. We looked ridiculous, dressed identically like... like some... it was a mistake." I steadfastly kept my feet on the floor, not on the sofa. I was not going to curl into a ball like a child. I was not a child, and certainly wasn't pathetic enough to hold myself like that.
"Okay, I guess that makes sense. But Tom, hadn't you thought of doing that for years? You told me that you had imagined it for a long time." Natasha questioned.
"Ever since I found out that we were having a little boy." I'd dreamed about it sometimes. It had... I'd always imagined that it would be cute, strengthen our bond as father and son, feel like we were a unit. Instead, it had felt wrong on every level. I wished I could take it back and change it, do something else, something productive, less silly.
"Then I'm very sorry that it didn't feel as good as you wished it would. I had hoped that it would, but I suspected that something like this would have a bad effect on you." Natasha sighed sadly, "But that doesn't mean that everything you want to do will feel as bad as that did." She couldn't... she wanted to try again? She wanted me to do something else, to act on more of my own stupid little fantasies of happy families? She wanted me to do something for myself, after everything that had happened?
Did she want everything to fall apart? It felt like she did! I didn't want everything to fall apart, I wanted everything to carry on like it should have been! I didn't want to rock the boat further, I was safe as I was, going about normally, without any extra curricular activities, or anything that could possibly be seen as me being anything but the husband my wife had always wanted.
"But Tom, what she wanted was wrong. She wanted a slave, not you, as a whole person. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a good husband, but what she wanted was too much." Natasha reminded me again, but it still didn't feel right, none of it felt right. Everything felt wrong, like I was breaking so many rules, that it would bring down every level of hell imaginable on my head. I couldn't stand the thought, couldn't stand the idea that I'd break every rule in our arsenal and ruin the life I had built.
"I know it's hard, but it's so important to realise that she was wrong. She was wrong on every level, she wanted to use you, and made sure you were treated horribly, so she could manipulate you to bend to her ridiculous rules. That's not a life, that's not a marriage either. It's abuse, and it can wreck a person." Natasha explained, standing up to sit next to me, "You have to believe me when I say that this is not normal, and while it's hard, it's so important that you try to regain who you are. If you carry on like this, you'll miss out on so many important things."
"Like what?" I was there, it wasn't like I missed out on much.
"You'll miss out on having proper friendships, on everything you used to enjoy, and you'll miss out on raising Buzz. You want to raise your son, don't you?" Natasha made me nod, I wanted that, more than anything, "Then you need to help yourself here. Hiding won't do anything but make sure that you're only ever on the sidelines of his life. By taking the risks, learning to enjoy yourself again, you can relax, spend more time with him, really become his father, instead of sitting on the edge of his life. You can be everything you want to be with him, with your friends, with your life, you just have to take the risk."