Disclaimer – I don't own the Tales of Vesperia characters, but I do own a dog named Estelle. I'm pretty sure that doesn't count as owning a princess, though. She's a scruffy min-pin/wire-haired terrier mix who is a friend to all... except for squirrels and possums, but they're evil rodents and should stay out of her yard anyway.
A/N – As requested by A Tale of Brothers and Kairin Katsumi, here is a follow-up to "Fascination" (For reference, Fascination was around 3,000 words long; this one is around 10,000 because Flynn just had to be complicated.)
No real outfit/item inspiration for this one. Unless you count those blue pajamas. Flynn would look adorable in fuzzy blue PJs, right?
Home
Eighteen
Flynn felt like such a jerk.
He'd seen on Yuri's face that something was wrong but, so wrapped up in his own anger and disappointments, Flynn had picked a fight with him anyway. Then, to find out what happened to the dogs... what Yuri had to do to protect the others...
Sitting alone in their room, Flynn huffed and dropped his face in his hands.
Yuri was always there for him when he needed support. So why was it that he always seemed to fail when Yuri needed him in return?
"Dammit..." Standing up, Flynn left the room and made his way down to the barn where Yuri and Repede were. It felt freezing outside; autumn was finally making itself known tonight and Yuri shouldn't be sleeping out there the night before a battle.
Flynn opened the stable door to the sound of a sneeze and Yuri's grumbling. "Yuri?" He let out a little sigh of relief at the sight of Yuri wrapped in a blanket, holding Repede. It looked like he'd been about to head to the door himself. "Are you bringing Repede to our room?" He held the door open hopefully.
"Um... yes, actually..." Yuri trailed off uncertainly. He had the stubborn, mulish look he always got when he was prepared for a fight.
Guilt stabbed Flynn's chest and he withheld a wince. "Good. It's too cold out here for you two tonight." Yuri's expression turned stunned and this time Flynn did wince. "I'm not really that bad, am I?"
"Not usually, but lately..." Yuri shrugged and offered Flynn a smile as he followed Flynn out of the barn. They walked back to their room in silence; all the while, Flynn's mind gnawed away at the guilt he felt at being such a crappy friend lately.
He'd been unnecessarily harsh on Yuri during their attack on the monsters a week earlier. Yes, Yuri had deviated from the plan, but going faster than scheduled had probably saved Yuri and Hisca's life when the monsters started chasing them. Certainly Flynn and Chastel had started running ahead too when they gained unwanted company. He'd been so frustrated with how things had turned out on that mission that he'd turned around and taken it out on Yuri.
It was a wonder that Yuri had still wanted Flynn to join him and the twins at the pub for dinner the next evening. Even then, he'd been such an ass, refusing to sit with Yuri and then only joining in the fight when a guildsman punched him. What kind of friend acted that way?
A really crappy one, obviously.
Once they got inside the room, Yuri dropped Repede onto the bed, sat down beside the puppy, and started kicking off his boots. He kept glancing worriedly at Flynn all the while, finally asking, "are you okay? You have this... weird look on your face."
"I'm... not really sure," Flynn admitted, sitting down beside his friend. He reached out and started petting Repede. Really, he'd prefer to run his fingers through Yuri's hair; touching Yuri's soft, silky hair was always calming for him.
In fact, even when he'd dated Marie, he'd found petting Yuri's hair much more soothing than petting hers. Not that he'd ever mentioned that to either of them. He'd just chalked up the difference to the fact that Yuri had been in his life forever; the familiarity made him more comfortable, or something.
"I've... been kind of an ass lately, haven't I?" Flynn asked quietly.
"Well..." Yuri hedged for a moment. "Do you really want me to answer that?"
"Probably not." Flynn took a deep breath and then found himself pouring out the problems he'd faced in training. Lieutenant Cumore's words still stung and the way he'd told the story of Finath Scifo's death had made it sound so plausible that everything Finath had done was for nothing. As though if he'd just followed orders then even he wouldn't have died that day.
"So he's the one who got you all mixed up about your father's death. You said earlier that when someone dies, that's it... there's nothing left." Yuri shook his head, his expression the most serious Flynn had ever seen him wear. "But that's not true at all. Your father was one of the bravest men I've ever known. He valued the lives of the people in the lower quarter more than following orders and... he valued your life more than his own.
"You're what he left behind, Flynn. You're his legacy. You could achieve so much, but... you can't let people like Cumore hold you back. Imagine, Flynn, if your dad had followed orders. You and I and so many others would have probably died because he wouldn't have stopped the blastia from exploding inside the city. Half of the lower quarter... gone. He-he couldn't have lived with that, Flynn. But that is the sort of life we have to live up to."
Flynn looked away, blinking hard. He'd gotten so used to hearing knights speak badly about his father that hearing Yuri's words were like a balm, easing away the pain. And the way Yuri spoke of him being his father's legacy... he'd never realized that Yuri saw him that way. The last of the chill from outside was chased away by the warmth of Yuri's friendship.
"Is that why you agree with Captain Niren's decision?" Flynn asked, already knowing the answer. Yuri's little speech had made Flynn better understand and accept the Captain's decision.
"Yes," Yuri answered, as expected. What wasn't expected, however, were Yuri's next words. "My instructor was Lieutenant Everett. He," Yuri swallowed nervously, giving a little shudder he was likely unaware of, "had a tendency to border on sexual harassment towards the lady knights when he was sober. When he was drunk, though, he'd show up in the men's barracks and feel us up. No one would do anything about it... so we took to keeping knives in reach. He was... easily deterred and didn't normally remember how he got cut up the next day."
Flynn realized he was shaking as rage welled up in his chest. There had never really been anyone Flynn could claim to truly hate, but... if Lieutenant Everett were to show up in Shizontania, then Flynn just knew he'd find himself in a deep well of trouble for assaulting a superior officer.
It would be worth it, though.
"If we hadn't been assigned to a Captain like Niren, I'd have probably quit by now."
Grabbing onto Yuri's hand, Flynn squeezed tightly. "Did he ever...?" Fear and worry choked off the rest of the question before Flynn could finish speaking.
"No, no." Yuri squeezed his hand against Flynn's reassuringly. "He never made it under my shirt, much less into my pants. Not for lack of trying, but he wasn't a particularly coordinated drunk... fortunately."
Yuri let out a shaky, cleansing breath. "Anyway, my point is that we've both had our reasons for being kind of screwed up lately. We've been living in the same room for a month, but I've missed you this whole time."
"I know what you mean," Flynn muttered. He leaned his forehead against Yuri's shoulder. It was a familiar, comforting action; it brought to mind all the other times he'd been upset about something and how he could always – quite literally – lean on Yuri for strength and support.
For the first time since joining the Knights, Flynn felt like he was home.
"I promise," Flynn vowed, "that I'll do my best to keep personal problems from hurting our friendship and that I won't let other people dictate how I view my father's death. I'm not sure I'll ever really be comfortable with the choices he made, but you're right in that I should respect his decision. Father always did his best to do the right thing and that's what he was trying to do in the end.
"I just miss him so much. I've wanted so badly to blame someone for his death in that accident... and everything Cumore and the other officers would say made it so easy to... to blame him. But it's left me feeling so twisted up inside; I hate feeling this way." He'd meant to add 'I hate taking it out on you' but the words got stuck.
As Yuri wrapped his arms around Flynn's shoulders, Flynn tried to ignore the way his heart ached.
"We should get some sleep," Yuri murmured. "Tomorrow is going to be one hell of a day."
Flynn nodded and ended up staying in that bed, curled up with Yuri and Repede. As he fell asleep, Flynn promised himself he'd be a better friend to Yuri. He'd find a way to help Yuri be happy again.
Nineteen
"So..." Yuri shifted uncomfortably. "I'm seeing someone."
"As in dating someone?" Flynn clarified, surprised. It had been two years since Yuri had sort of come out as gay and he'd never commented on being attracted to anyone since then, so Flynn had pushed the incident out of mind. In fact, he had kind of slotted Yuri away as asexual given his seeming lack of interest in dating at all.
So it was a little jarring to realize that, apparently, Yuri was attracted to someone after all.
"Yeah. Well... we've gone out for drinks a few times and... he kissed me the other night. So, yeah, I guess you could say we're dating." Yuri paused and looked down at Repede, running his fingers through the dog's silky fur. "He seems like a nice guy. Hanks doesn't disapprove of him, anyway."
"That's good." Flynn felt oddly hesitant as he asked, "what's his name?"
"Jason Travers." Yuri smiled faintly, a fond light in his eyes. Then he frowned again, adding, "he works one of the Fortunes Market kiosks in the public quarter."
"So he's a guildsman?" Flynn wasn't too sure he liked the sound of this. There was nothing wrong with being a guildsman, but Flynn was holding out hope he could get Yuri back into the Knights one day. Having a guildsman boyfriend would only make Yuri even less interested in signing back up.
"Yeah, not that it really means much in his case. He just minds the store; he's not really interested in guilds vs the Empire or politics or whatever," Yuri waved his hand dismissively. "He's fun. I think you'll approve, too, once you meet him."
"I'm sure you're right," Flynn agreed, hoping the expression on his face was closer to a smile than a grimace. How had he managed to be so unprepared for Yuri to start dating when, just a couple of years earlier, he'd been trying to convince Yuri to double date with him?
Travers was a nice, fun guy. He was about Yuri and Flynn's height, ash-blond hair, and had a sort of lilting voice. Flynn couldn't quite place the accent – Capua Torim maybe?
Flynn had no real reason to disapprove of him either. Travers didn't care that Flynn was a Knight; he was pleasant to Flynn all evening and seemed pretty interested in hearing stories about Yuri. He told some funny jokes and made Yuri laugh a lot.
Something about him, though, left Flynn feeling like his stomach had twisted up in knots. Flynn didn't like how familiar Travers acted with Yuri, such as the way he kept touching Yuri's hands and shoulders and hair. Flynn didn't like the way Travers smiled at Yuri, with a sort of proprietary look in his eyes. Flynn didn't like the idea of Travers kissing Yuri, either.
The very idea made Flynn feel vaguely ill.
It wasn't that he had problems with two men kissing. Having basically grown up in a lower quarter inn he'd seen plenty of kissing as all kinds of couples – some who were probably being paid for by the hour – fumbled their way into their rooms and none of that had ever bothered him one way or the other; as long as everyone involved was a consenting adult, Flynn didn't consider who kissed, or slept with, who to be his business. It was specifically Travers and Yuri kissing that made him uneasy.
So, much as he wanted to, for Yuri's sake, Flynn just didn't like Travers.
Still, Yuri seemed happy enough and Flynn was loathe to get in the way of Yuri being happy. Flynn managed to make it through his few encounters with Travers without breaking down and complaining about disliking Yuri's boyfriend for mostly nebulous and indefinable reasons.
A little over a month later, however, Flynn walked into his room only to find the window open and Yuri curled up on top of the covers of his bed, fast asleep. This wasn't an uncommon occurrence, but it was something Yuri hadn't done for a while.
Flynn hadn't realized how much he'd missed receiving random visits from Yuri until that moment. Smiling fondly, Flynn crossed the room and shut the window, then settled on the edge of the bed beside his friend. Idly, Flynn reached out and began petting Yuri's hair.
"Hmmm..." Yuri blinked and woke up, confusion running briefly across his features before he sat up. "Uh, hi."
Brushing a few stray hairs out of Yuri's eyes as an excuse to let his fingers linger for a few moments longer, Flynn grinned. "Hi," he replied. "It's been a while since you last sneaked in here."
"I guess I've sort of been busy lately." Yuri picked at the edge of the duvet. "You never really liked Jason, did you?"
Flynn opened his mouth to give an evasive answer only to freeze at the sight of the expression on Yuri's face. What Yuri wanted – needed – at that moment was honesty. So Flynn finally admitted the truth. "No. He didn't do anything bad or say anything wrong. I just don't like him."
"I never liked Marie all that much, either."
It had been at least a year since Flynn had broken up with her and he couldn't really remember the last time he'd even thought of her. Flynn wasn't really sure what she had to do with this conversation, unless...
"Did you and Travers break up?" Flynn asked gently.
Yuri nodded jerkily. "He... wanted to move faster than I'm ready for and when he tried to push me into it, I broke things off."
"Was he trying to push you into... having sex with him?" Flynn asked uncertainly, rage building up in his chest over Travers even as his own face turned pink out of embarrassment about asking Yuri about his sex life.
"Do you really want me to talk about another guy feeling me up?" Yuri asked, sounding more amused than the situation warranted. He fingered the collar of his shirt for a moment and Flynn realized that Yuri actually had it buttoned all the way up for a change. "He got a little enthusiastic and I can't say it didn't feel good, but he wouldn't stop when I asked him to back off. As if just because my body likes something means my mind gets no say." Yuri crossed his arms and huffed, his own face bright red as he muttered, "it wasn't mixed signals. He just wasn't listening."
Taking a deep breath, he added, "anyway, I broke his nose and told him my next target would be much lower if he didn't let me up and then left with my things while he called me names I couldn't understand since his voice had gone all nasally."
"I should have told you I didn't like him..." Flynn started to say, thinking of all the ways he could have helped Yuri avoid having gone through all of that, only for Yuri to interrupt him.
"I'd have probably dated him anyway. After all, I could tell you didn't like him much, even though you never said anything, and I still dated him. It was my mistake to make, Flynn. Things didn't get too out of hand and I'm fine. Chalk it up to learning or whatever. Also, do you have any apple gels? He left a hickey on my neck I'd like to get rid of and I... uh... came straight here instead of going home first."
Flynn felt his face heat in further embarrassment as he immediately hopped up to fetch a gel from the dresser for Yuri to use. "Is there anything else I can do?" he asked, handing over the gel.
"Well..." Yuri passed the gel back and forth in his hands as he mentally debated something. "Can I stay here tonight? I know I'm not alone at home with Repede there, but... you're a lot better at helping me feel better after a bad day."
"Of course you can stay," Flynn replied, a little relieved that Yuri wouldn't be going anywhere that night where Travers could reach. It was the least he could do, giving Yuri a safe place for the night. And if Flynn ever saw, or even just heard about, Travers near Yuri again, Flynn would break the little bastard in half.
But Yuri was smiling again and undoing the extra buttons on his shirt so that he could rub in the healing gel on the unwanted bite mark. Yuri would sleep, safe and sound, in Flynn's bed that night and Flynn would be able to see for himself that Yuri was really okay in the morning.
By then, it would be like the mark was never there.
Twenty
It had to happen eventually, Flynn supposed, looking across the table at the blond man sitting there. At some point, Yuri had to find a boyfriend that Flynn could approve of. Guy Cecil was a laid back sort of person. He wasn't possessive or clingy; he was funny. Even Flynn couldn't help but find his sharp wit entertaining.
Still, after the last three guys Yuri had dated turned out to be... flakey, Flynn was having a difficult time accepting Yuri's latest boyfriend. Flynn wanted to approve this one, but...
Maybe he just worried too much.
Guy, however, did something none of the others had tried. He asked Flynn to meet him for lunch without Yuri being there.
So, there they sat, wrapped in an awkward silence, at a cafe in the public quarter.
"Yuri is a very special person," Guy finally said, breaking the silence.
"He really is," Flynn agreed.
"I care for him a great deal and I hope he feels the same way about me. But you're the most important person in his life; if you don't like me then I don't stand a chance with him. So anything you want to know, I'm an open book." Guy waved his hands. "Ask away."
"What are your intentions for Yuri?" Flynn had other questions, but this was the most important one.
"I want to make him happy. As I said, I really care for him. I like his smile and his laughter and I want to be the cause of as many of those smiles and as much of that laughter as possible. I can't make promises about the future or falling in love or anything else, but I can promise, right now, that I want nothing more than to make Yuri happy."
Flynn let out a little sigh of relief and resignation. It had to happen eventually, after all.
"I guess I'm just confused. I thought you two really liked each other." Flynn crossed his arms and leaned against the wall.
"We do, but we're not in love with each other. We were content together, but I honestly think that Guy could have a chance at something more than just content... something better. So, I'm giving him a gentle shove in that direction. We're still going to be friends, but no more than that... which probably won't change a whole lot between us, aside from not sleeping together anymore," Yuri observed, smirking when Flynn blushed.
"If you're really expecting him to start dating Luke, you probably won't get to see as much of him anymore either," Flynn pointed out. "He'll spend more time with his new boyfriend. I still can't believe you're breaking up with him so you can set him up with someone else."
"I want him to be happy, that's all," Yuri shrugged. "Being content is a kind of being happy, but its... like settling for second best. Some people have to settle and others don't."
"You deserve better than second best too, you know," Flynn said, frowning at the wistful expression that flitted across Yuri's face.
"Yeah, well, I'm going to stay away from dating for a while. You, however, should consider getting back in the game." Yuri leaned forward with a smirk. "Our birthdays are coming up, meaning that it's nearly been three years since you broke up with Marie. And, unless I miss my guess, three years since you last got laid."
Flynn felt his cheeks heat up again and he scowled at his friend. "You really like turning my face red, don't you."
Yuri laughed and reached over for moment to cheerfully ruffle Flynn's hair. "It's fun," he agreed. "You could pass for a tomato when you get red enough."
"Yuri..." Flynn tried to stay stern, but he ended up smiling instead. "You're impossible."
Backing off, Yuri took a seat on his bed. "Seriously, though, isn't there someone you're interested in at all? Isn't there a cute new girl in your brigade?"
"Cute new girl?" Flynn echoed, thinking for a moment. "Oh... Sodia. I guess she's cute. She's... very dedicated."
"Sounds kinky," Yuri declared, smirking as Flynn basically blushed on cue.
"You're an ass," Flynn complained. "She's a very dedicated Knight and definitely someone I'd want at my back in a fight. However..."
"What?"
"I'm not sure she has a life outside of the Knights," he admitted. "I might not be the most social of people, but I've got you, Repede, Hanks, Ted and the others to spend time with when I'm off duty. She doesn't do anything with her free time; she won't even come along for drinks with the rest of us."
"So, basically, she's stodgy enough that even you're worried she'll snap?" Yuri asked, snickering when Flynn's response was to childishly stick out his tongue. "Okay, so not the crazy new girl. Isn't there someone you're interested in, even a little?"
The only other girl in his life at the moment was Lady Estellise and even if she weren't a princess she was... too much like an adorable little sister for Flynn to think of her as anything else. So Flynn shook his head and answered with a "no."
"That sucks."
"Well, I'm not really interested in dating right now, anyway." Dating got so complicated sometimes. He already had one complicated relationship with Yuri – it was a wonder they'd managed to avoid their latest argument topic for so long already – and Flynn had no desire to add another, even if it did come with things like kissing and sex.
He did miss kissing, though. In fact, he missed kissing far more than he missed sex; after all, if he wanted an orgasm then he could do that for himself. Kissing, however, required a second person be involved.
"You're not?" Yuri tilted his head the side quizzically. "I guess I can't fault that since I'm single again, but... aren't you lonely at all?"
"Sometimes, but seeing you and Repede always makes that go away. What do I need anyone else for?"
For a brief moment Yuri got the strangest look on his face, somehow both heartwarmingly happy and heartrendingly sad all at once. Yuri covered it up almost immediately, but Flynn was certain about what he'd seen and wondered what he'd said wrong.
Twenty-One
Flynn remembered reaching the top of Zaude, his chest aching from where the laser had struck him. It had been mostly healed and, though the medic wanted to take him back to the boats to rest, he'd insisted on seeing Yuri first.
He remembered the look on Lady Estellise's face when he walked out onto the platform. She'd never looked so devastated before. Yuri should have been there, consoling her already, but he was the only one not standing there, waiting.
"Where is he?"
"Flynn..."
"Where's Yuri?!"
"He... Flynn, he fell."
He's not entirely clear on what happened next. He couldn't accept that Yuri wasn't there and had to see the entire damn platform himself, just to be sure that Yuri wasn't lying unconscious in the rubble on the other side.
He doesn't remember leaving Zaude, but he does remember ordering boats out to search the water surrounding the shrine. He remembered long days and sleepless nights that all blurred together. He must have seemed normal enough; he managed to keep a tenuous grip on himself to keep from breaking down, though he grew more frayed around the edges with every negative report on the search.
He remembered the look of pained compassion on Master Ioder's face when he, gently, told Flynn that it was time to stop the search. It was the only time Flynn had ever raised his voice to Ioder and, in the end, he had to concede that the search was unlikely to turn up anything new.
He remembered the moment he admitted to himself that Yuri must be dead. It took all Flynn's strength that night to make the choice not to join him.
He remembered all of that pain and agony and breathed out. As Flynn breathed in, the scent of home (cinnamon and sweat and something undefinable that was purely Yuri) was overwhelming and it helped to sooth away the heartache. The familiar body he held tightly in his arms helped as well.
Flynn would never, ever forget what he'd gone through. But for the first time in far too long, Flynn knew he was going to be okay.
"Flynn," Yuri's voice sounded worried and Flynn couldn't help but think it served him right. "Are you crying?" His own arms rose up to wrap tightly around Flynn's waist.
"Shut up, Yuri," Flynn muttered, burying his face against Yuri's shoulder. He didn't bother to hide his tears.
It started the night of their duel.
Flynn hadn't lost to Yuri in years, but it felt right that it happened that night. It was relief, really, knowing that Yuri was fighting in top form despite the injuries he must have suffered at Zaude. When Yuri went to Tarqaron, he had to be at his best; if Flynn lost him again – lost him for real – then the world might as well end.
It was that quiet moment, however, after their duel. After they'd talked at little and laughed a lot, Flynn had looked over at Yuri and had a thought. It would be so easy to just roll over and kiss Yuri.
Later, Flynn was able to brush it off as just an aftereffect of his relief at Yuri being alive and his intense fear of losing Yuri in the upcoming days. But the night of the duel he stayed awake, agonizing over why he'd think that about his (very decidedly male) best friend.
Then, the dreams started. He'd dream about kissing Yuri. Sometimes the kisses were chaste and sometimes they were... not. Those were harder to dismiss and Flynn wasn't sure he wanted to dismiss them. He was dreaming about kissing Yuri and he liked those dreams, longing for them even as he tried to tell himself they'd go away.
The more Flynn attempted to ignore the dreams, the more intense they got. It probably wasn't helping that he was sleeping in Yuri's bed basically every night, surrounded by Yuri's scent. On a few embarrassing occasions, he woke up hard with Yuri fast asleep in his arms. He'd managed to extricate himself without waking Yuri each time, but he worried about what would happen when Yuri finally woke up first.
He did try to make himself go back to sleeping in his own room instead of walking to and from the lower quarter every day, but he couldn't sleep in his bed. The last time Flynn tried to sleep there, he woke in the middle of a panic attack. He'd been dressed and halfway to the lower quarter before he managed to completely calm himself.
Flynn simply had to be the first person to see Yuri when he got back into town; he had to sleep surrounded by the evidence that Yuri was still very much alive.
His own behavior was worrying him, though. Flynn had never felt so... he wasn't even sure what he was feeling in the midst of his utter mess of emotions. He'd never been attracted to men before, and he still wasn't, but it seemed that Yuri had become the exception.
All his life, Flynn had loved Yuri, but this was the first time he'd ever considered that he loved Yuri as more than just a friend.
Still, the last thing Flynn wanted to do was spring all of this on Yuri, only to find out months down the line that it was just... reactionary and had faded and their friendship possibly ruined one way or the other.
So Flynn did the only thing he could think of. He went to seek advice.
Guy and Luke had a very nice place in the public quarter, not far from the entrance to the lower quarter. Fortunately Luke was out when Flynn stopped by for a visit. Luke was nice enough and had matured somewhat since the first time Flynn had met him, but was still best described as a 'man-child' or, as Yuri liked to call him, 'Guy's red-headed arm-leech.' The last thing Flynn needed was for Luke to sit around mocking him while he sought relationship advice from Guy, or spreading around what he heard to others. Luke claimed he wasn't a gossip, but he sure as hell couldn't keep a secret.
"Oh, god, this is going to be an awkward conversation," Guy said, once Flynn had – haltingly – explained his situation. "Is this how parents feel before they give the birds and the bees talk? No wonder my uncle just gave me a bunch of pamphlets, a couple of erotic romances, and told me to use protection."
Flynn blushed hotly. "Guy...!"
"Sorry, sorry, I'm not trying to make fun of you or anything. This is just... awkward for both of us." Guy took a deep breath and then said, "okay, so, Flynn, when I first met you, it was pretty obvious that Yuri was the most important person in your life. Everything was about him, for you. You love him and I could tell. But... it didn't seem like you were romantically in love with him. I'd never have gotten involved with him if I thought you felt that way about him because... well, Yuri has been in love with you for longer than I've known him.
"Also, if you tell him I said that he will stalk me down in the dead of night and maim me. Please do not tell him I told you."
"He's... no, I... I would have noticed..." Flynn shook his head slowly. Surely he wasn't so blind as to have missed something like that. Yeah, there had been a few occasions where he'd flattered himself to think that, maybe, Yuri was checking him out, but...
"He's gotten good at hiding it, for the most part, but it helps that you're kind of oblivious," Guy told him dryly. "Trust me; Yuri is very much in love with you.
"The thing is, you've always thought of yourself as straight. That's what is really bothering you, isn't it?" Guy raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Those dreams of yours... is it just kissing him? Or do they stray into the territory of having sex with him?"
Flynn found himself blushing as he answered, "not quite sex, but... but definitely headed in that direction."
Guy nodded thoughtfully. "I think that what you need is to prove to yourself of is that it isn't just your subconscious interested in doing those things with him. You're feelings are real and I think you know that. What it seems like you're really afraid of is that those feelings won't be enough. That even though you're romantically attracted to him, it doesn't necessarily mean you're sexually attracted to him."
"Well, it doesn't," Flynn muttered.
"No, it doesn't always work that way," Guy agreed placidly. "I just don't think it'll be a problem for you. If it were anyone other than Yuri, yeah you'd screw it all up and wreck your friendship. But this is Yuri and he has always been special to you. If anything, this has been developing for you for years and explains your vague and irrational dislike of me that stopped once Yuri and I broke up."
"I didn't dislike you," Flynn objected. "I thought you were really good for him."
"You just didn't want me to kiss him or sleep with him." Guy snickered when Flynn scowled at him. "You were jealous," he added, his voice turning lilting and teasing before he grew serious again.
"What you need to do is act on those dreams of yours, Flynn. All those things you're subconscious wants to do with Yuri, imagine it while you're awake. Go to your... happy place, see what turns you on, and take the time you need to prove to yourself that you are capable of making things work with Yuri. Just don't take too long; you are the only one who can make him truly happy, Flynn, and he's waited a long time for you to figure that out."
Flynn nodded hesitantly. He hadn't been daring enough to touch himself while thinking about Yuri that way, yet. Flynn worried that it would cross some sort of line... that it would be taking advantage of Yuri in some way. Would Yuri be okay with being fantasized about like that? Or would knowing someone fantasized about him in that way make Yuri uncomfortable? If Guy was right, though, and Yuri did feel the same way Flynn did, then... maybe Yuri fantasized about Flynn too.
Warmth spread through Flynn at the thought.
"So... your uncle gave you pamphlets and novels? All Yuri and I got from Hanks was a 'treat your partner with respect and be responsible about protection' speech. So what I do know about sex mostly comes from fumbling around with Marie and, well, that was... almost four years ago." Flynn doubted his face could get any redder as he asked, "I don't suppose you still have those pamphlets?"
Guy snickered. "No, but Luke has a large collection of rather innocuous looking erotic novels." Standing up, Guy looked over at the bookshelf with an indecisive expression for a long moment and then, grinning, he walked over and grabbed a book. He settled back on the couch and handed the book over to Flynn. "This is the tamest one we've got, I think, so it should give you a general idea of what gay sex is like. Just... skip the plot; it's really lame. The sex scenes are pretty well described, though, so," Guy waggled his eyebrows suggestively, "pick a scene and imagine that you and Yuri are doing what the characters are doing."
The book itself was a rather ordinary looking with a red cover and small silvery print on the spine that read 'Forever Together.' It didn't look a thing like the 'bodice-ripper' romances he vaguely recalled Marie reading. Flynn was rather relieved by that; the last thing he wanted was for someone to see him with a book that had half-dressed men in dramatic poses on the cover; as Commandant, he did have a reputation to maintain... and he would have died of embarrassment regardless.
"Well, Luke should be home soon so, unless you want to explain to him what you're doing with his book, I should probably kick you out now." Guy stood up and headed towards the door.
Flynn followed him and thanked Guy for the advice when he reached the doorway.
"Not a problem. Just..." Guy grinned, "when you two do get together, make sure I'm the first to know. I'm thinking that maybe it's time I join that ongoing betting pool at the Comet." His grin turned into a smirk.
"There's a betting pool about Yuri and me?" Flynn all but squeaked, startled and amused and outraged all at once.
"Yup." Guy laughed as Flynn spluttered for a moment and then subsided with a sigh.
"Say hi to your arm-leech for me," Flynn muttered petulantly as he turned to walk off while Guy just laughed harder.
Twenty-Two
A few nights after talking to Guy, Flynn had the evening to himself. Yuri was out on a mission for his guild and wouldn't be back for a couple of days. Flynn's paperwork load could wait for the night and no one was expecting him to be anywhere. So Flynn wound up in his room, in bed, his right hand curled around his erection.
Imagining that Yuri was the one touching him, though, wasn't exactly easy. Flynn knew what his own hand felt like on his body and... Yuri's hands were different. Yuri's fingers were a little longer and more slender and, anyway, he was left handed...
Flynn switched to his left hand. He wasn't used to jerking himself off with that hand, making it easier to imagine that it was Yuri's fingers stroking him. Flynn came not too long after, his thrusts a little wilder than normal, and Yuri's name on his lips.
On his birthday a few days later, Flynn was relieved by how easy it was to act natural around Yuri. There was some awkwardness at first, but Yuri didn't seem to notice and they spent the day together just wandering around the lower quarter together. All the while, Flynn wished he had an excuse to reach out and hold Yuri's hand.
Some weeks later, Flynn finally read through enough of the book's sex scenes to have worked up the nerve to try fingering himself. It sounded kind of weird, really, but the characters in the book certainly enjoyed the act. So Flynn slicked up the fingers on his right hand with an apple gel and reached down to circle his hole. His eyes widened and then slid shut as a whine he barely recognized as his own escaped his lips. Suddenly the rimming scene from the book made so much more sense; if a finger felt good, a tongue had to be amazing.
Slipping the finger inside himself, Flynn rolled his hips experimentally. It felt a little strange, but not in a bad way. So he added a second finger and stretched himself a little, pumping the fingers in and out. All in all, it wasn't too bad and, according to the book, it could get so much better.
Flynn knew it was supposed to be enjoyable to press up against his prostate, but that didn't really prepare him for the reality of it. Pleasure seemed shoot up and down his spine, as if he'd been hit by a lightning spell, and he cried out at how overwhelmingly good he felt.
That was when his mind decided to conjure up the image of what it would look like if Yuri was the one doing this to him and suddenly Flynn's hips were thrusting into one hand and back against his fingers, as if of their own volition. His fingers rubbed against that spot again and again until Flynn came with a shout.
However, though Flynn might be willing to experiment in that bed, he still couldn't sleep in it. So, Flynn showered, dressed, grabbed a bag with a change of clothes and pajamas in it, and then headed to Yuri's place to sleep. Yuri wasn't supposed to be back until the morning, so Flynn was hoping he'd have a chance to see Yuri before he had to be in for work.
Maybe it was time to take an afternoon off and confess to Yuri how he felt. No... it was definitely time.
Flynn hoped Guy was right about Yuri's feelings for him. If Yuri rejected him... Flynn knew his heart would break.
However, once Flynn got to Yuri's he still couldn't sleep. Yuri's scent was everywhere in that bed and Flynn's mind kept flashing back to what he'd been doing in another bed not so long ago. It was one thing to fantasize about Yuri in Flynn's bed. Doing that in Yuri's bed, without Yuri's knowledge or approval... completely unacceptable.
To distract himself, Flynn pulled out his new reading glasses, propped himself up against the wall, and grabbed the historical fiction novel he'd brought along out of his bag. A chapter or so later, Flynn had nodded off.
There was a slight pressure against his lips. It was there and then it was gone and Flynn frowned slightly at the loss. There was something kind of nice about the feeling, but he couldn't place why that was or why he wanted it back.
If he wanted answers, it seemed he'd have to actually wake all the way up.
Blinking sleepily, Flynn brought a hand up to his lips thoughtfully. They still tingled slightly, as if... as if someone had kissed him. But who...?
Flynn looked up and saw Yuri standing there, looking slightly fuzzy through the glasses. He looked sort of panicky too, though. Had he kissed Flynn or was that just wishful thinking?
Blushing, Flynn tried to ask, "um, Yuri... did you...? I mean... that is..." but he was unable to actually voice his question.
"Did you have a weird dream?" Yuri's voice was unsteady and, really, that was all the answer Flynn needed.
Stretching as he stood up, Flynn felt heat settle low in his belly as he realized Yuri was looking him over. There was desire in the other's gaze and Flynn wondered how he'd ever been so oblivious to this. He'd seen Yuri looking at him this way before, but it was always so brief he'd dismissed it every time. Now, the knowledge of what he was seeing burned through him.
Walking up to Yuri, Flynn wrapped his arms around the raven-haired man's shoulders. His voice rougher than normal, Flynn informed Yuri, "it isn't very nice to steal a kiss when I can't enjoy it properly." Then he leaned in and stole a kiss of his own.
Yuri froze at first and Flynn was half-convinced he would pull away. But then it was like a switch flipped and Yuri pressed back, taking control of the kiss. Yuri's arms wrapped tightly around Flynn's waist and his tongue sought entrance to Flynn's mouth, which was quickly granted.
The feeling and taste of Yuri's inquisitive tongue, slipping into Flynn's mouth and methodically investigating the entirety of what it found there, left Flynn feeling rather blissful. Every time their tongues tangled, heat shivered through Flynn's body. When Yuri started to pull away, he chased Yuri's tongue and found himself running an investigation of his own. All the while, they held each other tightly as though the other might slip away otherwise.
Then it stopped. Yuri pulled away, breathless, and dropped onto the chair at his desk. "Flynn... you... but you're straight!" He looked adorably, and understandably, confused.
"Not entirely," Flynn disagreed. "Actually... I'm not really sure when the last time I was attracted to a woman was." He hadn't even thought of that until now, but it was true. He'd found Hisca and Chastel attractive, but hadn't been interested in them as more than friends. Since then, he'd practically needed prompting to notice that Sodia was pretty or Lady Estellise was cute or Judith was sexy (and, considering that her everyday outfits covered less than some swimsuits, that was really saying something); he was starting to think that, maybe, he should have been questioning just how attracted he was to women long before realizing what his feelings for Yuri had grown into.
"So, what are you saying? I know you're not gay, Flynn," Yuri insisted, folding his arms and looking away.
Yuri wasn't wrong, though. Flynn wasn't interested in men in general, which was probably why it never occurred to him to reassess himself until now. So he said as much. "Well, no, I'm not attracted to men... just you. I don't know what that makes me, really, other than probably a little crazy." He smirked a little when Yuri scowled at him. "It seems a little pointless to try and label myself when there's no one else I'd accept at my side if you won't have me."
Yuri flushed and looked away, swallowing nervously. "If this is because you're relieved I survived Zaude..."
"No." Flynn knelt down in front of Yuri, still feeling emboldened by their kiss. "I thought that too, at first. But what I feel for you... it's been building up over time and I was too oblivious to see it. My inability to sleep well anywhere but here... that's because of Zaude. My kissing you is because... I want to kiss you. I want to do a lot more than kiss you, actually. I want to tell you and show you that I love you as many times as it takes until you believe me and then as much as I can after that so you'll never forget."
"You really are ridiculous," Yuri muttered, blushing. "You say the weirdest things."
"I mean it, Yuri. I love you."
Yuri shook his head slowly. "You can't," he denied flatly. "Just being friends with me jeopardizes your position as the Commandant. The Council has made their dislike of me pretty clear. They would have overruled Ioder's second pardon of my crimes if they thought they could get away with it."
"But they couldn't; the Council doesn't have the power to overrule the Emperor's official decrees, such as pardons. Would you like to know what else they can't overrule Master Ioder on? My job. They cannot displace the Commandant of the Knights." Flynn took Yuri's hands in his own and squeezed. "They can recommend my replacement as much as they like, but so long as Master Ioder wants me to be Commandant, their recommendations mean absolutely nothing."
"You still need the Council's approval to push through the changes necessary to make the Empire a better place," Yuri argued, refusing to give ground on this.
"And, so... what you're saying is that to do my job I have to sacrifice my happiness?" Flynn reluctantly let go of Yuri's hands. "I don't buy that. If you don't feel the same way I do, then don't make excuses. Just say so. As long as we're friends, I won't... I won't bother you with what I feel anymore..." Flynn paused to take a shuddering breath and then added, "but you did kiss me first. So tell me you don't have feelings for me, that the way you kissed me each time was a mistake. Do it without lying and I'll back off."
"Flynn..." Yuri trailed off and then shuddered, covering his face with his hands. "Fuck," he whispered.
"Yuri..."
"You don't get it, Flynn!" Yuri's hands dropped away; the expression on his face was almost broken. "You can't... I'm not good enough for you. I'm a murderer and I... I don't want my sins to taint your life as well."
Flynn swallowed his instinctive reaction, which was to argue. Instead he breathed in and out slowly, deliberately, to calm the part of him inclined to smack Yuri in the arm. "I'm in love with an idiot," he muttered, pleased when Yuri bristled at him. Taking off his glasses, Flynn folded the stems and set them aside on the table as he tried to think of the right words to say.
"You are not some cold blooded killer who goes around murdering for fun and profit," Flynn told Yuri quietly. "The people you've murdered... I don't agree with your decisions. But I understand why you did what you did and respect the reasons you felt compelled to do so; you protect people, Yuri. Only now you're trying to protect me from yourself not because I actually need to be protected from you, but because you apparently don't trust yourself."
"Flynn..."
"When you fell off Zaude, I thought you were dead. I spent days searching for you in the water, all with the certainty that when your body was finally found, it wouldn't look at all like you," Flynn shuddered at the thought of a water-bloated corpse bearing Yuri's face. Yuri looked pretty ill at the idea as well. "It's not something I wanted to see and, honestly, every day that the search came up empty was as much a relief as it was a disappointment. That was one more day I could pretend you weren't dead; one more day I could try to convince myself I'd get to see you again.
"Then Master Ioder ordered me to call off the search and... I sort of flipped. I doubt anyone has ever yelled at him like that before." Flynn stood and rubbed his knees, moving to sit on the bed. "I can't think of the last time I felt so angry and... I hated him so much, because in making me call off the search, he was making me accept that you were dead."
"I wasn't dead, though."
"No, you weren't. But how the hell was I supposed to know that?" Flynn looked away. "I thought you were dead, Yuri. I thought... I was never again going to see that irritating and gorgeous cocky smile of yours or hear you laugh at me for saying something you found ridiculous or watch you get that horrified look on your face that shows up every time I try to cook something or..." Flynn's voice cracked a little. "Never be able to reach out and touch you, hold you, be surrounded by the scent of you, because all those things and everything else about you... that's home to me. You're home to me, Yuri, and you were dead.
"I wanted to be dead too, if that meant maybe I could be with you again."
"Oh, god, Flynn..." Yuri was across the room and holding Flynn tightly in seconds, as if suddenly needing to reassure himself that Flynn was still whole and breathing.
"You'd be so disappointed in me, though. That's the thought that stopped me from trying. If I just gave up on everything we'd promised each other as kids..." Flynn shook his head. "So don't tell me what I can and can't feel about you because you're everything to me. I need you in my life, Yuri. Stupid as you might think it sounds, I need you about as much as I need to breathe."
"I'm sorry," Yuri murmured against Flynn's hair. "I didn't realize. I thought... I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I got so used to thinking I could never have you."
"If you want me, I'm yours," Flynn told him, feeling oddly liberated at having finally admitted to the worst moments of his depression. That was what came back to him in his nightmares and sent him fleeing to Yuri's bed: the empty certainty that Yuri was dead and had taken everything of worth in Flynn's life along with him.
"I'm not sure want is a strong enough word," Yuri told him, kissing Flynn's temple and cheek and neck before finally pressing against Flynn's lips. He went slowly, conveying a slew of emotions that Flynn wanted desperately to understand.
So Flynn pulled Yuri closer, trying to reciprocate by putting all his feelings into the kiss as well. When Yuri moaned and moved Flynn so that he was straddling Yuri's lap, he got the impression he'd succeeded. There was a hardness pressing against his stomach and it took him a fuzzy minute to realize that Yuri was growing aroused... and so was he. Then Yuri trapped Flynn's lower lip in his teeth and gnawed slightly.
Gasping and moaning, Flynn's hips rocked against Yuri's as if of their own accord. He had to bury his face in the crook of Yuri's neck to try to compose himself.
Then Yuri's lips started in on Flynn's neck and – god – he'd never considered that he was sensitive there before. But the way Yuri's tongue traced over his collar... Flynn whined and tilted his head to give Yuri better access. His hands reached up to fumble with the buttons on Yuri's shirt.
Yuri rolled his hips against Flynn's and they both groaned and clutched at each other. "Oh..." Yuri's voice had deepened, taking on a gravelly edge. "You're really enjoying this, aren't you?"
"Yes," Flynn hissed, his own voice hoarse and unfamiliar. "I've been... fantasizing about this, about you," he said, yanking Yuri's shirt off and pulling Yuri in close for another kiss. He tangled his hands in Yuri's hair, enjoying the soft strands slipping through his fingers.
Then Yuri let out a little growl and flipped them over so that Flynn lay on across the length of the bed, Yuri straddled on top of him. He returned his attention to Flynn's neck, alternating between nibbling and sucking. Flynn yelped and grabbed Yuri's hips; the raven-haired man got the hint and began to grind steadily against Flynn.
Then the bed let out a rather ominous sounding groan and they froze.
Yuri sat up, settling back on Flynn's thighs and putting some space between their groins. "Maybe we should wait on this," he panted. "Your bed is... sturdier, right?"
"Bigger, too," Flynn replied, just as breathless as Yuri. "I don't want to risk making your bed collapse, Yuri, but... I don't want to stop either."
Yuri snickered; he tried to smother his laughter by covering his mouth with his hands, but it was too late. Uncontrollable laughter spilled out of him, his shoulders shaking with the strength of his amusement. Flynn reached up to pull Yuri's hands away and then, with a smile of his own, he listened to his favorite sound and watched his favorite smile.
"We're... we're kind of ridiculous, aren't we?" Yuri bent over and buried his laughter against Flynn's chest. Muffled, he elaborated, "the only thing between us having sex right now is that the bed might collapse." He giggled again and looked up. "There's always the floor, but I want my first time with you in a bed. We can be more adventurous later..."
Flynn propped himself up on his elbows so he could kiss Yuri. "Yeah... I want our first time to be in bed too. I..."
There was a scratching from outside the door.
"Repede," they chorused.
The dog in question let out a whine and scratched at the door again.
"How about I get changed and we let Repede in here while we go spend the rest of tonight at my place?" Flynn asked nervously. It had been years since he'd last had sex... what if Yuri thought he was terrible at it?
He'd just have to let Yuri take the lead and... learn by asking and doing. It was exciting, all the new things he had to learn about Yuri.
"The bed is bigger there, huh?"
"Sturdier too," Flynn responded with a soft laugh and a hopeful smile.
Yuri's gaze lowered towards Flynn's tented pajama pants. "So... um..." Yuri was actually blushing and stammering. He looked cute with his cheeks flushed that way... and Flynn was never going to mention that because Yuri would not appreciate the sentiment. "You and Marie... the two of you had sex, but... I'm the first one since her, aren't I?"
"Yeah." Flynn nodded. "You're the only one since her." It was eerie, really, the way Yuri sometimes seemed to read his mind.
"It's just... you know sex is different between two guys than between a man and a woman...? Well, not all sex, but..."
"I... sort of went to Guy for advice and he... lent me one of Luke's books," Flynn interrupted. He knew his face had turned beet red. "I wanted to get an idea of what it... sex... might be like if you... if you felt the same way about me that I do for you." Now Yuri had them both stammering.
"You... you borrowed porn – gay porn – and read it and..." he trailed off, eyes wide and hungry looking.
"Fantasized about you."
For a long moment, Yuri just stared down at Flynn. His mouth opened, as if to say something, and then shut again.
Another whine came from the direction of the door.
"Repede! Go stay with Karol!" Then Yuri leaned in and kissed Flynn fiercely. "I'm sure the bed can take it," he muttered and started pulling off Flynn's pajama top.
A/N – Poor dog. It's late, it's cold, and his horny owners have kicked him out of his own home. Though I'm sure he thinks its about damn time those two figured things out.
The last half of this story was re-written about half-a-dozen times at least. Seriously, Flynn did not want to cooperate with me at all, Guy was laughing at everyone, and Yuri was having a nervous breakdown. I'm still not sure it's quite right, but... it has reached the point where I can accept it as good enough.