"Hey Doc, long time no talk" Deeks shot Nate a text.
"Well hello there Detective Deeks. How are things? I'm guessing not all peaches since you're texting me." Nate responded.
"Ya, we should text you more. I'm sorry." Deeks felt honestly bad that they hadn't been in touch with Nate more. He was at the wedding, but sent off again. He knew Nate was busy as were they, but it really wasn't a good excuse. After all he was one of them before Deeks was.
"Listen, this job keeps us both busy. What can I help you with?"
"Will you be in town anytime soon?"
"I'm actually headed there next week. Is something wrong?"
"I think I could use some of your amazing wisdom."
"We could meet on Monday if you like."
"That would also be amazing," Deeks responded. "Thanks Nate."
"Anytime man, give Kensi my best."
He looked over at his wife still sound asleep. He set his phone back on the table and snuggled with her for a few more minutes before heading to the office. The couple had decided to stay on through Kensi's pregnancy and take a family leave together once the baby was born and take that time off to decide their next move. Kensi was of course assigned to non field work, but she was uncharacteristically content, ready to start her mission on becoming a mother.
"Are you ready?" Kensi asked her husband when Monday came.
"I guess as ready as I'll ever be."
"This is good for you baby, you need to resolve whatever issues your having before this little Guy makes his appearance."
"Speaking of, have you thought anymore about names. I'm still liking Shepherd."
"We are not naming our son after goat herders."
"Not goats, sheep," he grinned.
She shook her head at the love of her life. "Thankfully we have another four months to decide. But this will not be like the bar!" She warned.
"I can't believe we still don't have a name for it. We should probably get that done soon."
"You think? Maybe Nate can help you come up with one," she kissed him as she headed out the door to the mission. "I'll see you after your appointment."
Deeks and Nate decided to meet at the beach. It had always seemed to Mr. Gentz that it was easier for the surfer boy to open up at his place of solitude. The beach was were Deeks would gravitate towards when thinks were rough. He found happiness there when there was none to be found. He married his love there. He loved being there. He was at peace there. Nate met him in the parking lot as they shed their shoes and began walking through the sand.
"Still no bad day in the water?" Nate began.
"Never. I came here a lot as a child."
"Wanna start there?"
"I don't know where I want to start."
"Why don't you start with what prompted you to call me."
Deeks sat down in a secluded area. He ran his hands through his mop. "The little mutant ninja assassin taking over my wife's belly."
"How much longer?"
"About 15 weeks. It went so fast. I'm amazed everyday by her growing stomach."
"And Kensi? How is she doing with giving up field work?"
"Surprisingly well. I wasn't sure how it would play out, but the minute she found out, she was done. She obviously hasn't left the OSP yet, but we decided we'd figure it out once the baby was here."
"How are you with that?"
"I'm good. I've been pushing to get out for the past few years. I stayed because she stayed."
"And now?"
"I thought I was ready, but that case with AJ Harding, the night Kensi got pregnant, I don't know. I still want to help people. Being a lawyer is so unfulfilling. I thought being a public defender would give me a feeling of helping those who couldn't help themselves, but most of them don't wanna change. They don't have remorse for the crimes they committed. Don't get me wrong, there are the few times it counts, but nothing like NCIS."
"And you still haven't signed the papers to be an agent yet?"
Again the detective ran his fingers through his hair. "Why do you think that is Doc?"
"You tell me?"
He sighed. "Seems you've been taking lessons from me, answering questions with questions."
"Why haven't you signed those paper, Hetty gave them to you a long time ago."
"I don't know if I'm good enough."
"Why do you feel that way."
Deeks laughed trying to be humorous, "I mean haven't you guys teased me about it from day one."
"You know none of that was ever real. Routine hazing"
"Was it though? Even Kensi, "Deeks Really? That's the best they could do?"" He smiled slightly.
"Do you really think for one second that she has ever truly felt that way. Look at you now, you're married and having a baby with her. Kensi Blye, excuse me Kensi Deeks, would not be married to someone who wasn't good enough."
"I know, but,"
"But what?"
"I know I'm an intricate part of an elite team. I know we are like a well oiled machine and when one part is gone, we aren't as strong. It's been hard with Kensi staying at the mission and not being in the field with me."
"Nell's been helping, how's that?"
"Better this time, since she realized I could never love her back," he laughed. "She was totally falling in love with me when Kensi was recovering from Syria. Now she has Beale, I guess he's the next best thing," he joked. "Seriously though, Nell's great. She's not Kensi, but I know Kensi's still watching my back and not lying in a bed unconscious. So that's a plus."
"So let's get back to your feelings of not being good enough. When did that first start?"
"I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet."
"I think you need to. You need to be honest with yourself and face the Demons before you can get rid of them once and for all."
"If you say so," the detective huffed.
"I do."
"I guess I was probably 5. I had a project for school. I did it all by myself. I was so proud. My dad came home, drunk as usual. I only wanted to impress him. He told me it was terrible and he kicked it and ruined it. I had turn it in anyway. I didn't really have time to fix it, but my teacher could see I worked really hard on it. I came home and he proceeded to continually tell me how worthless I was and I would never amount to anything. Time after time, I guess you start to believe it. I guess the routine hazing as you call it, brought up those feelings. No one on the force wanted to work with me after Boyle, I never fit in anywhere."
"That's a lot for a little boy, and a grown person, but I'd say you fit in pretty well now."
"What if a switch flips in me? Those genes are there Nate, what if I'm not a good dad. What if,"
"I'm gonna stop you, because I've known you a long time. You've been through things most people couldn't even fathom. I've never seen that side of you."
"When I'm Max. I'm not me. I'm him."
"Listen to what you said. You're not you."
"But I could be him. So easy."
"How long has it been since you've been Max."
Deeks stopped to think, "I guess maybe four or five years. Maybe a little longer."
"Do you think it be as easy to pick up that persona now?"
"I mean, I haven't really thought about it. I haven't had to."
"Why are you now?"
"You sure ask a lot of questions Doc."
Nate laughed. "It's kinda my job."
"Touché" Deeks smiled back.
"I just want to be a good dad, Nate. I want to make Kensi proud. I want us to raise an amazing Ninja assassin only her And I can make."
"You're worried you won't?"
Deeks shrugged.
"I think every parent has that worry, but let's talk more about you not feeling good enough."
"Ha," Deeks put on his big toothy grin. "I thought I got out of that too easy."
"We are obviously not going to get to the root of everything in one session. I'm gonna be around for the next several months. But let's get through a little more, maybe you can get a few good night sleeps in, before the little man arrives. There be other reasons for lack of sleep then."
"That would be nice. I keep waking Kensi, as hard as I try not to, she always seems to know that I'm not next to her."
"Sounds like Kensi. You two have always had that..that special something. I'm glad you finally figured it out."
"Me too," he smiled again.
"Alright, so after the day at school with your project, what happened next?"
"Well," he paused, "like I said, it became almost a daily session of how worthless I was. I began to believe it. I didn't try as hard on my work, because honestly why would I if he was going to destroy it anyway. The beatings didn't start til I was about seven, almost eight. He said I needed to learn how to become a man. Take what I deserved for being a worthless brat. My mom, She never wanted to upset him, I imagine she was getting her end long before me. She couldn't stick up for me, if she tried he'd send me to my room and start on her. I heard whimpers often, why was she so weak? Kensi would never be that weak. She'd take my son and leave or shoot me herself," he smirked.
"Probably slit your jugular" Nate chimed in with a smirk and then turned serious again. "Do you blame your mom for being weak?"
"No and she's grown so much through the years. Took her long enough to be tougher. I think me standing up for her brought her out of it, but she still blames herself for not protecting me better. I told her that's when her and my relationship really started. I know it made me who I am today though. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of becoming him."
"Let me ask you something?"
"That's pretty much all you've been doing," Deeks joked.
"What do you love most about Kensi?"
"What don't I love about her?"
"I'm gonna make that your homework. I told you before, you had to figure out the one ingredient that made your partnership unique. Now I want you to tell me the one thing you love above everything else about her."
"I don't see what this has to do with my past?"
"Just humor me."
Deeks nodded.
"I'd like to see you again Wednesday. I don't want to let you too far off the hook. Do your homework and get some sleep. We don't want a repeat of before when you hadn't slept for days."
"Yes boss!"
"It was good to see you Deeks."
"You'll have to check out the bar. I have a golden frickin shark, it's pretty amazing."
"Let's get you better and then I'll come buy," he winked.
"Thanks Nate. I'll see you Wednesday."
"See you then."