CHAPTER 16: THE TEMPLES OF SYRINX

Onward and upward we go from Vulcan's. No, seriously, the ground really slopes a bit upward. Just enough to be barely perceptible, but also just enough that I appreciate it. It makes me feel like we're actually on our way out of Hell. Literally.

Then again, a little hope can be a very dangerous thing, so I'm keeping my eyes peeled all the same.

I consult the map and see that we've got a truly twisted path ahead of us before we get out of this second level. Along the way, there's one straightaway kind of section - well, more of a gentle curve, but with seven large circles along the outer edge. And we're about to approach that section ourselves. But first we have to round a couple of corners, and not walk into protruding spikes of rock. These things could easily tear our eyes out. No bueno to the extreme.

And then we spot them. Or, more accurately, it - the first of these seven circles on the map. The circle marks the footprint of a towering, well-lit, futuristic-looking structure. It's a network of metal towers, some taller than others, and all with slanted tops.

"Somebody's compensating for something." Nikki crosses her arms as she looks up to the tallest of these towers.

"I don't think God made these towers," Joe says.

"I agree." I copy Nikki, trying to look all the way up to the top. "From what I hear, Lucifer may just have a small enough penis to want to show this off instead." I wait a moment, as if expecting Lucifer to barge in and whip his out to prove that it's not micro after all. It's probably just average, but from what I've seen of men, that's micro enough to be a source of eternal embarrassment, not being hung like an equine porn star.

"Can we move past these towers?" Joe clenches his fists. "They're giving me bad vibes. I could Wendigo out from these vibes alone."

Nikki cocks her head. "You sure? I mean, it's not like, you know, how a guy can only get off once and then wait and recharge?"

Joe and I both eyeball her oddly. "Uh, well..." He shakes his head. "I never thought of it that way. Well, I guess going Wendigo is like an orgasm in reverse, if I had to describe it."

"How so?" I edge behind Joe and make a "cut it out" gesture at Nikki, but she's on such a curiosity kick, there's really no stopping her. "Does it feel good or bad or what?"

How the hell am I supposed to tell this poor girl how insensitive she's being? Joe, however, to his credit, runs with it, being pretty thick-skinned, although the subtle twitches in his cheeks tell me he's quietly seething in ways Nikki can't know. "It's like I'm ripping apart at the seams, but it's absolute agony. Not even a hint of ecstasy. Haha, and now I'm talking about it like it's a fine wine to be savored."

"Just don't spunk into that wine." A suave British accent filters over to us, and its owner - classic tall, dark, and handsome - steps out of the shadows behind us. "Even I wouldn't serve that at my bar."

I gaze up at him, struggling not to match the smile forming on his stubble-covered face. "Lucifer, I presume?"

He gasps. "Do I know you?"

Oh shit. He's for real?

"Why do you all look so afraid all of a sudden?" Lucifer keeps on grinning. "Relax! I don't bite! Unless...unless you want me to?"

I turn around and steer Nikki and Joe away. Not today, Satan. Literally.

"Oi! Come back!" He keeps on calling out to us, following us as we pass by the first tower. "Listen! Listen to me! I know you wanna get to Earth! So do I!"

"What are you talking about?" Nikki asks, like she's interested in hearing him out. I only pray she's bluffing, but knowing her, I doubt it.

"What I'm talking about is that the Prince of Bloody Darkness needs a fucking vacation!" Now I'm turning around and hearing him out, as is Joe. "Preferably in...erm...which state is the one with the good weather?"

"Florida?"

"No, no, not the one with the oranges and the conservatives. The one where the movies are made! The City of Angels! Of which I technically still am one, wingless or no-"

"California?" Nikki's eyes brighten. "What a coincidence. I'm from California."

"Brilliant!" Lucifer runs forward and takes Nikki's hand, leading her away from us.

"Hey, hey, hey! No! Stop it!" Nikki's got her left hand free, at least, so she can use it to bitch-slap Lucifer like he deserves. He lets her go, then rubs his cheek, pouting at her like a hurt puppy.

"I'm sorry." He actually appears to mean it. "I'm sorry, I...I just want out. I'll take whatever help I can get."

Joe and I rejoin Nikki, and she follows us away from Lucifer, who keeps on standing there behind us. "Help yourself," I spit at him as I pass him by.

I reiterate: Not today, Satan.