Chapter 5: Grief, Awoken

Stef repositioned on the bed so that her back was against the wall before inviting Callie to sit beside her. Putting an arm around the teen's shoulders, she pulled her in tightly toward her. The both of them were soon snuggled against each other, Callie's head resting against the woman's chest. They sat in silence until Stef felt the tension dissipate from Callie's body and she decided to try her luck at getting her to open up.

"I'm sorry about the family tree," she began, as Callie looked up at her quickly in surprise, having forgotten once again that the two women had a habit of sharing everything between them.

"It's not your fault," Callie responded, after a pause. "It's stupid."

"What is, baby?" Stef inquired, trying to tread carefully. When she only got a shrug from Callie this time, she decided to run with it. Despite having only known the youth for four months, she had a pretty good idea about what was bothering her.

"Yes, the assignment sucks. But your feelings around it aren't stupid, far from it honey. You and Jude were handed a really raw deal and you have every right to be angry and sad and everything else on the continuum," Stef said. She stopped as she felt Callie shudder under her arm and recognized the failed attempts to muffle her tears.

"I-I don't remember them," she finally managed to choke out.

"I don't remember how she really looked, I can even remember the sound of her voice even though I promised I wouldn't forget!" Callie cried angrily.

"Oh, baby come here," Stef said as she held Callie in an even tighter hug. It took everything she had in her to not scoop the girl into her lap. She so wanted to comfort her and make up for lost time but she knew Callie would never tolerate that. Instead, the woman reached for Callie with her left hand, smoothing her hair and working the tangles away gently with her fingers as Callie sobbed and tears fell freely onto her neck and chest. "Shhh. Let it out," she consoled, "I've got you."

"Honey, just because you can't remember every single detail about your mother doesn't mean you've forgotten her as a person, far from it," she said gently when Callie's cries began to subside.

"It's only natural that after all this time without her that some things will be more difficult to remember," Stef continued, hoping to relieve Callie of some of the pressure she had obviously be putting on herself.

When there was no response, she gave the girl another tight squeeze. "Would you tell me about her, sweetheart?"

Callie hesitated. Her and Jude had only ever spoken about their parents with each other. Even when they did, their conversations were almost clinical in manner, the both of them not wanting to upset the other. But in Stef's arms, Callie began to feel as though this woman could be a safe person and that maybe she could talk to her without receiving judgment. She paused once more to consider briefly how someone who could intimidate her so much could also be a source of comfort and security. Finally, the words pushed off Callie's tongue. She didn't want to keep them to herself anymore.

"I called her Mama, even when I was eight," Callie said, unsure of where to begin.

Her voice climbed as she continued, pulling from the memories that offered the most clarity in random order. "I used to sit on the edge of the tub to watch her whenever she did her makeup and she'd tell me stories and share gossip about her friends."

"I didn't always like to read but she thought it was important…she taught me how when Jude was born. My job was to turn the pages and follow the words as she read to him and as I recognized more of the words she gave me those parts. Then one day I was able to get through a whole board book, and later all of his books." Callie smiled to herself, remembering how proud her mother was the first time she read Goodnight Moon aloud from beginning to end.

Callie paused, a slight frown forming. "She was so pretty, she always dressed nice like Lena but she said it wasn't ever about what people wore, but how they felt about themselves."

"Wise woman," Stef said, both caught off guard and thankful that Callie decided to open up about her mother. "Wait a minute. What do you mean she dressed nice like Lena, hmm?" she scolded playfully, knitting her eyebrows at Callie who let out a giggle.

"Umm. She was great at baking, too. She made the best brownies, not the cake-y ones but the super dense ones that hurt your teeth." Stef cringed at the realization that the family likely didn't have the means to see a dentist regularly.

"She could do a really good banana bread and always let me and Jude help, even if it ended up a huge mess because she said she was 'process oriented,' the girl emphasized with air quotes.

Stef stifled the urge to correct the girl's grammar. Often, her and Lena would forget how young Callie was given how responsible and nurturing she was with Jude. Until she opened her mouth, that is, giving away her immaturity.

"We just didn't bother her when she was in the kitchen, not even Dad," Callie continued, relishing in all the moments she was reliving. "She'd get so stressed when cooking. She tried so hard but it'd never turn out the way it was supposed to. I think the old lady in our complex kinda felt bad for us because every week she'd bring over a big casserole or pasta sauce to give Mama a head start, and then we'd eat that. Otherwise it'd be canned beans with a hotdog on top and box mashed potato on the side, whatever Mama didn't burn. I guess she was a lot like you too," Callie cheekily poked fun at Stef.

Stef placed her hand over her heart, feigning mock hurt. "Sassy!" she said, only to be greeted by a fit of laughter once more.

"She loved to party. Her friends were pretty cool and would help Jude and me dress up and do our makeup, and they let us stay up until we fell asleep on the couch and they slept on the floor. It was one giant sleepover," Callie described, as Stef suppressed a grimace and tried hard not to judge. Colleen had been a fairly young mother and as per Callie's disclosure, she was still juggling the demands of motherhood with the things she wanted to do.

"She called herself 'Brazen Hussy'," Callie piped up.

"Okay, that's enough you," Stef said a little too quickly, fighting both horror and amusement at the vulgar nickname Callie had just uttered in earnest.

"Please please don't ever repeat that term, especially not at school. Especially not around Lena," she implored, "unless you want her to have a heart attack."

"What about your Dad, honey? What was he like?" the cop asked, desperate to swiftly reroute the conversation before Callie could ask any questions about her reaction or what those words meant.

Callie closed her eyes, trying to think. She simply didn't have as many memories with him because he worked during the week. On top of that, both her and Jude just happened to be closer to their mother. The teen shrugged. "He was pretty quiet and watched baseball on weekends."

Callie paused to reflect a bit more before continuing. "Every month we sat down at the table. He got me to add up everything we owed and all the money he made, and then we'd figure out how to split up whatever was left. It was how I learned my math. He was good at problem solving, too. Some months got tight because he'd get less hours at work and we'd have to cut the sports channel package until we could afford it again. That happened a few times and he got really pissed—"

"Sorry," Callie said sheepishly as Stef cleared her throat and raised her eyebrows. "Um…he got ticked off," she tried again, this time with an inflection to see if the woman would approve.

Gauging Stef's expression, Callie decided to venture on. "After having to do that a few times, Dad figured out how to hack the neighbour's satellite as well as the router, so we didn't have to bother paying for cable or internet anymore," she declared proudly.

"Hmm?" Stef said encouragingly, still amazed at how Callie was choosing to share and at her sheer innocence.

"His friends were really cool, too. When they came over they'd always bring Jude and me fast food. Mama didn't like that."

When Callie spoke next, her voice was thick like a blanket. "We didn't have much…but we were happy, you know?"

"I know, honey. I know." Stef cradled the girl's head as close as she could to her shoulder, as Callie became silent once again.

"You haven't forgotten them, Callie. You never did. Just think of all the beautiful memories you just shared with me of the times you had with your Mom and Dad and Jude. A high school assignment would never be able to convey all of that joy and love you had as a family, not even close."

They hadn't moved when Lena went upstairs to check to see how her wife was doing with Callie and to let them know the others would soon be on their way home. Callie was asleep, nestled into Stef's side as the woman stroked her hair, her own head resting atop the girl's.

With Lena's help, Stef was able to extricate herself. They managed to tuck Callie in without waking her before gently closing the door and making their way to their own bedroom. Lena listened intently as Stef divulged everything Callie had told her; she was just as surprised as Stef that it had been the most they had ever heard the girl talk about her family since she had come to live with them.

Both of the women were grateful for the opportunity to learn about the two people who had brought Callie and Jude into the world. To get a glimpse into their life before everything changed in one split second of clouded judgment. But ultimately, they were thankful for the chance to be a safe place for Callie to lay her truth and grief for awhile, for they weren't sure if or when she would let them in again.