Chapter 12: Disquiet

Dawn arrived sooner than Callie hoped. Nervous about the pending appointment, the butterflies in her stomach ensured she had slept fitfully and were still every bit as restless when she woke the next day.

"CALLIE, GET A MOVE ON! BREAKFAST IN TEN." As Stef's cheerful greeting echoed from the stairwell, the girl groaned into the pillow which she had shoved over her face. She couldn't understand how the cop could act as though everything was just peachy while forcing her into something that made her so incredibly uncomfortable. Feeling trapped made Callie want to fight, if only to prove to herself and Stef and Lena that she wasn't as helpless as they made her feel. However, at this point, she was too tired and knew that ultimately, it'd be pointless to try to challenge them.

Admittedly, it was their leverage over her that upset her the most. Both women had made it clear that she needed to do what they said. And no matter how determined Callie would start out being when she decided to disobey, somehow, she always managed to lose. Being grounded and having lost countless privileges over the past few days was enough to dissuade Callie from courting any more trouble than she already was in.

It was precisely this concept that terrified Callie the most—being in a position where she felt as though she had no choice but to listen.

In all the other foster homes she and Jude had been in, the only unspoken expectation was to keep their heads down and avoid doing anything that could possibly inconvenience the adults. There hadn't been rules over attending school, finishing homework, grades, watching TV, or eating on time. There certainly weren't any arguments about going to "see someone" as Lena had put it. The lack of structure meant that they were both free to come and go as they pleased, and to generally do what they wanted without fear of too much repercussion.

Stef and Lena, on the other hand, ran their home very differently. There were rules about almost everything. Curfew, lights out, meal times, "attitude", checking in by phone when outside the home—even some of the music she wanted to listen to. As well, school, which used to be an escape from being around the adults, suddenly became a source of stress. Given how involved the women were as parents and with Lena being Vice Principal, it was impossible to keep the delineation between the two places. Every single incident managed to make its way back to Lena and then home where it would be addressed usually with a painfully awkward talk and some sort of consequence. Having been used to so much freedom, the new arrangement had moments where it felt absolutely suffocating, and Callie couldn't help but to feel as though she was caged.

At the same time, both Stef and Lena took the time to check in with each of their children, including her and Jude, and never hesitated to step in to manage a situation if there was a problem. Neither of them had to worry about their safety or if they'd have enough to eat. Unlike other homes, the women made a conscious effort to carve out time to spend with them, encouraged them to talk about their interests, and invited their opinions. Though Callie would never admit it, she had missed the comfort and affection that Stef and Lena were willing to give, easily drawing her in like a moth to a flame.

For the most part, they were genuinely nice people and it was part of the reason why Callie hated it whenever she disappointed them—for fear that their warmth and security would be taken away.

It was amazing, something she never would have expected after their experiences in the system, and after so long going without, it felt good to have it again. But slowly, a quiet, familiar unease had pushed its way in and Callie couldn't understand why. Initially, the teen had felt guilty for what she thought was her ingratitude; but gradually, she began to realize that everything she wanted from Stef and Lena came at a huge expense to her freedom.

She thought about the countless times she had wished to have a family again—something as close as possible to what she and Jude had had before. Always on her birthday, her Mom and Dad's birthdays, and that date—the one when everything she knew had toppled to reveal their new truth.

Finally, her dream was within reach; however, she hadn't expected all the emotions it would evoke in her, leaving her feeling vulnerable and standing in the way of her ability to fully reciprocate. She hadn't anticipated that getting a family would be this difficult.

After all, wasn't this what she had wanted?

Stef glanced at the time and sighed; she had been trying to get Callie out of bed for the last thirty minutes without any success. Because of the girl's rough night, her and Lena had decided to let her doze while the rest of the family got up and ready for school and work. But now, Stef regretted not keeping Callie on her normal routine. It was late enough in the morning now that it was apparent the teen was simply dragging her feet, as she often did when faced with something she didn't want to do.

"CALLIE! IN THIS CENTURY PLEASE!" Stef yelled when ten more minutes had passed. They didn't have to leave for another hour and a half at least but what she wanted to avoid was for Callie to come bounding down at the last possible minute, leaving her barely enough time for breakfast before needing to get in the car. On top of that, it was Friday—the last day she would have the teen home—and as much as Stef was anxious to return to work, she also wanted to spend as much time as she could with Callie.

The relief she felt when she finally heard footsteps running in the hallway and the bathroom door slam was quickly replaced by exasperation when the shower turned on. On any other day, Stef might've been tempted to walk straight into the bathroom to remind the teen that a time limit to do a task meant actually completing it in its entirety, not just starting it within that time frame. However, anticipating the mood Callie was probably in, she decided to exercise patience and let it go. Instead, she rinsed and loaded dishes into the dishwasher, only making her way upstairs once the kitchen was tidied and her coffee had been refilled.

Stef knocked on the bathroom door before heading to the girls' room to pick an outfit for Callie. A crumpled shopping bag on the floor of the closet, which contained a pair of skinny, cropped overalls, made her job easy. It had been the result of Lena's most recent shopping trip for the girl. Though average height, Callie was slight for her age, making it difficult to find clothes that would fit her frame. Needless to say, her wife had been thrilled when she found a style that would work.

Lena could barely contain her excitement when Callie finally emerged from her bedroom wearing the new overalls which she had been cajoled into trying on. Stef could only beam as her wife fussed over their daughter who smiled despite looking slightly uncomfortable.

"Turn, let me see if the legs fit," Lena instructed as she admired the dark denim and three quarter length roll up cuffs, adjusting the shoulder straps for Callie.

"Oh my goodness," she exhaled as she took a step back. "They're beautiful on you, Bug."

"Really, Lena?"

"Yes, really. What do you think? Do you like them?"

"Yeah, they're really soft. Thanks so much, Lena." Callie's eyes were wide, with more gratitude than Stef had seen in any of her other kids. "I love the pockets the most," she said as she jammed her hands in, looking a little too much like a punk for the cop's liking.

Smiling at the memory, Stef ripped the tags off and retrieved a grey tee before neatly folding the items into a pile. Fighting the urge to lie down in her daughter's rumpled, unmade bed, she straightened both of the twin beds instead.

Fifteen minutes later, Callie had still not emerged from her shower. Her patience wearing thin, Stef marched across the hall and rapped on the bathroom door once again. "CALLIE! You have exactly one minute, starting now, to get that tush of your's out here before I come in!" she yelled, setting the timer on the phone. Immediately, Stef heard the water shut off and the shower curtain fly open. With only seconds remaining before the alarm would go off, Callie finally appeared. Though a towel was firmly wrapped around herself, the upper half of her tank top was already drenched from her wet hair.

"What?" Callie asked with the slightest hint of attitude, cross that the cop had put an end to her stalling.

Stef raised her eyebrows, willing herself to ignore the eye roll and scowl Callie had just greeted her with that could rival an older teenager's. "Good morning to you, too," she responded sternly, hoping it would be enough of a warning to keep the girl in line as she placed the outfit into her arms. "Here, get a move on."

"And yes, you're going to change your top. It looks like you showered with it on," she added, before Callie could argue with her.

"What, I'm not even allowed to pick my own clothes now?" Callie asked, her voice rising in annoyance.

Her sullenness caught the woman entirely off guard given that they had just made up yesterday. "No, sweetheart, I'm sorry. That ship sailed when you decided not to get out of bed when you were supposed to," she said simply, taking a deep breath. As the teen tried to push past her in a huff, Stef put out an arm to stop her.

"Three minutes. When I get into your room, I want to see you dressed and this tone of your's gone because that is not the sweet girl I know you are. We are running late but there will always be time for us to have a little chat if that is what you need. Do I make myself clear?" she asked, adopting a dangerously quiet tone that rarely failed to get Callie to shape up.

"Uh uh," Stef reproved when the teen tried to quickly sidestep her. Seeing how unhappy Callie was despite her best efforts to hide behind her angry words, the cop dropped her voice even further. "You know better than that. I need an acknowledgement."

"Yes ma'am."

When the alarm went off a second time, Stef was relieved to find Callie by the window, fully dressed and rubbing her hair furiously with the towel. The teen gave her an apologetic smile but it was a poor attempt at masking both her doleful expression and the tears in her eyes. Immediately, Stef understood that this was indicative of a picture in which everything was far from alright.

"Oh, Bug…come here," she said sympathetically, steering Callie by the shoulder towards the bed before sitting down at the edge. Pulling the teen close in towards her so that they were facing each other, with Callie standing in between her legs, Stef took the towel from her and began to dry her hair for her. As much as Callie stood there looking uncomfortable, refusing to look anywhere but her bare feet, she allowed the cop to fuss with her hair.

"What's wrong, honey? Tell me what's going on," she prodded, as the teen only shook her head.

Callie knew very well that if she engaged at this point she might begin to get tearful, which was the very last thing she wanted. At the same time, her stomach was in knots and it was beginning to get harder and harder to hide how upset she felt over how Stef and Lena could make her feel this conflicted.

The feeling of being cared for and loved. Getting used to it, liking it, and wanting that so much that she had caught herself at times trying to spend more time around the women.

Wanting to stay out of trouble. To keep them happy for her and Jude's sake so they could stay. Because they had done so much for them.

Infuriated at constantly being told what to do. The new rules and consequences.

Wanting to fight them to show that she didn't have to listen to them. Who were they to just show up after all these years of her and Jude being forced to watch their own backs, only to act like they owned the place? They had no right and the fact that they didn't see that was annoying.

"Please don't make me do this, Stef," she finally begged. "I— I really don't want to go, okay? I'll do better, I swear. I'll listen to you and Lena and I won't break your rules anymore."

The cop felt a twinge of regret as she questioned for the first time why Lena had felt the need to rush this appointment. Perhaps it would've been better to ease Callie up to the idea by introducing it earlier than just a day before. "My love," she fussed, gently placing her palm on the side of Callie's face and tucking the flyaway strands behind her ear. Stef spoke softly, hoping it would ease the girl's anxieties about the appointment. "Mama and I, we aren't sending you to counselling as punishment. We just think it might be good for you to talk to another adult."

"But I don't want to talk—"

At this point, Callie's voice was escalating to a whine and Stef could see just how overwhelmed and disappointed the girl looked. She continued to stroke the girl's cheek, knowing how hard it must have been for Callie to ask and show her vulnerability.

"Sweetheart. No." Though firm in keeping boundaries, Stef kept her tone gentle and offered a reassuring smile as the teen looked to her in desperation. "We aren't doing this right now. We are not going to go through a repeat of yesterday morning, I won't have that."

"Everything is going to be okay," she tried to comfort. "I promise you, honey, that there is no way she's going to make you talk about anything you don't want to."

"Yeah, right." Callie turned away, feeling both foolish and angry at the cop's dismissiveness. She should've known better; Stef never let her get out of anything, especially if it was something the cop knew she didn't want to do.

"Babygirl, talk to me." Stef's voice was tinged with concern as she turned the girl towards her again. This time, Callie fought harder to shrug out of the woman's grasp.

"Whatever. Forget it."

Author Note:

What do you think is behind all this fighting against going to therapy?