Author Note

Thanks, everyone, for the phenomenal response to the last chapter. You guys are truly awesome. I'm still working my way through PMs so there's an extended note at the end that I hope will make up for the delayed response. ~b'shert

Thank you to Lacorra, who gave me some much-needed Lena inspiration. The title comes from a quote by Virginia Woolf: "The beauty of the world has two edges. One of laughter, one of..."

Chapter 20: Anguish, Cutting the Heart Asunder

Horrified at what had just taken place, Stef wondered if trusting her intuition had lead her astray this time. What had seemed to be the most appropriate course of action now left her wishing she could erase how she had reacted mere moments ago.

Amidst Callie's soft cries and ragged breathing, her smarting palm was a glaring admission of what she had done. Even denial refused to protect her—stripping her of the hope that it had all been a bad dream.

Amidst the chaos, it took some time to realize that her daughter had stopped fighting. Guilt began to unfurl in her stomach as she loosened her grip and turned Callie to face her. Gathering her by the arms, Stef could no longer see any trace of the wilful, disrespectful teenager who was so bent on having her independence in spite of their rules. Suddenly, it was easy to recognize the actions she had seen as disobedience and determination to avoid punishment for what they really were: borne out of fear and wanting to steer clear of the discomfort. Shoulders dropped, Callie looked how she could only imagine she felt: small, defeated, and broken.

It was the utter betrayal, hurt, and confusion that was etched into Callie's expression—the cautious look the girl gave her as she tried to gauge if she'd be hit again, and the wince when she decided yes and braced for the impact—that Stef was wholly unprepared for and finally caused her own tears to fall. Her efforts to regain composure were further undermined at noticing Callie's despondency, a sudden juxtaposition against the earlier efforts to defend herself.

Just as quickly as she had looked up, Callie ducked her head and turned away. She bit down on her lower lip, trying to control her crying as the ache in her chest threatened to give way to sobs. Her eyes stung as she stared at the floor and squirmed uncomfortably in place, daring not to reach behind in case she needed her hands to defend herself against the cop. Though she wanted more than anything to get away from the woman, the fear of more coming her way if she disobeyed again kept her rooted in place.

"Don't you ever go into my safe again. Don't you ever, Callie!" the cop said in a fierce, tearful whisper. She shook her gently by the shoulders, becoming increasingly emotional at the thought of how the situation could've ended up even worse than it had.

"You scared me half to death! What if something had gone wrong—what if you had gotten hurt?" Stef questioned, her voice climbing with desperation as she tried to make clear the potential harms behind the decision. "These are not toys, honey." An overwhelming sense of dismay filled her as Callie nodded slowly and she saw fresh tears streak down her face—forcing her to accept that she was fully responsible for her daughter's distress.

"Please, Cal. No more acting this way, okay? This is not something that can happen again," Stef begged as she received another robotic nod. "I—I don't ever want to have to do that again." She cringed at how much she sounded like her own mother, who had frequently said the same thing to her after needing to discipline her whenever she became unruly. Already, she felt conflicted, struggling to find the right balance between making an indelible impression on the girl without scaring her needlessly.

"S—so—orry. I'm s—sorry, Stef," Callie stammered through her cries. She scrambled to come up with a sincere apology, anything that would placate the woman despite understanding that she had messed up terribly.

"Sweetness...will you look up for me?" There hadn't been any eye contact, but it was clear that Callie was filled with remorse.

Not wanting the cop to see her fall apart, Callie shook her head vigorously while continuing to look down. It seemed like a long time before she was able to offer a reply she hoped was acceptable. "N—no," she whispered. Despite her best efforts, the dam holding back her tears soon gave way.

At seeing Callie's face crumple under the weight of the day's events and the shock over what had happened, Stef too felt herself begin to break down.

"Oh, love," she said sympathetically. Bringing Callie into an embrace, she cradled the girl's head against her shoulder and swayed in place, hoping that the movement would be calming.

"Shh…I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Stef murmured, uncertain of what to say. "I didn't like doing that, not at all… Please don't cry, honey. I'm sorry." Her voice trembled as she realized that for the first time, Callie wasn't reciprocating. Instead, she stood awkwardly, almost as if half pulling away, while her arms remained limp at her side.

Stef knew the girl well enough to know what this would do to her and that she was far from okay. That raising a hand to her would've hurt her more than anyone else who had done so previously—because, unlike the others, Callie had started to trust her and Lena.

Past experience dictated that it wasn't going to be so much a lack of understanding of why a consequence had been issued that would be a problem, but rather what Callie would have likely taken away from the experience. It'd be the low self-esteem and persistent insecurities that would breed confusion over what being hit could mean. The questions over if she was still loved and wanted, and if they would get dispose of her. If she could ever trust her again for breaking the promise that they didn't get physical in their home. Those would be far more detrimental to her confidence and to the fragility of their growing relationship.

The both of them stood this way for awhile; Stef speaking in quiet, soothing tones and stroking her hair, until Callie's sobs began to subside.

"Are you alright?" She placed a kiss to the girl's temple, causing Callie to immediately stiffen in her grasp. Of course she's not okay, she berated herself.

Callie deliberated her answer. She could tell by the hoarseness in Stef's voice that she was crying; however, the sudden departure from the way she had been acting not too long ago scared her more than ever. Stef was talking in the same gentle, caring way as she'd been when she was in police mode—before she turned into a much angrier person of herself. She had been so mad and harsh and Callie couldn't understand why the cop was trying to be nice after everything she'd done to piss her off.

"Y—yeah," she said faintly, letting her nose run onto the cop's shirt. Although uncomfortable at being held so close, she was grateful that Stef couldn't see her so she didn't have to worry about putting on a brave face just then. Especially as the knot of fear, helplessness, and confusion within her grew and threatened to overwhelm her.

How could she be okay? This was supposed to be home. The one they promised would be safe and filled with love, where she'd always be welcome.

She couldn't believe she'd been so stupid to have fallen for their bullshit.

Callie took a step back as soon as she was released. For the second time that day, she felt as if she was suffocating and needed to get away.

As Stef reached to brush the hair from Callie's face, she instinctively recoiled—stumbling backwards over her feet before falling hard onto the floor. She felt a pang of guilt as Callie automatically held an arm out in front of her to defend herself from the perceived threat. Understanding her fear, Stef immediately withdrew her hands and dropped to one knee so she wouldn't tower over the girl.

"I'm not going to hurt you, baby," she said softly at seeing the worried look Callie was regarding her with.

She deserved it. She knew she deserved it for lashing out at Callie in anger with no warning—no calm explanation of the consequence and what it would entail. In the span of a minute, Stef had confirmed the girl's fears that she and Lena were not who they insisted they were and given a reason why they shouldn't be trusted.

Although leaving things unresolved like this was the very last thing Stef wanted to do when she knew the girl needed to be comforted, now wasn't the right time. Not when Callie was acutely terrified of her and on the cusp of a panic attack. She struggled with leaving Callie alone and inadvertently creating a sense of abandonment even for a few minutes. However, as she heard the girl's breathing become more rapid and shallow, she realized that Lena had to take over. Right now, she was the stressor, and she had to accept that there was likely very little she could do or say to quell Callie's mistrust.

"I'm not going to hurt you, love," Stef repeated. "I know you want to be alone and I promise you will have that, but right now we need Mama's help so I'm going to go get her, okay? You can either stay here or you can wait for us in your room," she offered, giving Callie an easy out.

Finally getting permission to leave, Callie clambered to her hands and feet to get up from the floor. She was careful to keep her eyes on the cop until the very last moment, when she had to turn to run out of the room.

Lena had been in a call with Bill when she heard a loud thud, followed by the sound of running feet in the upstairs hallway. A muffled bang came shortly after, causing her to cringe at what was presumably Callie's bedroom door closing shut. Over the course of their conversation, her stress level had risen as she tried to focus on what the Case Manager had to say amidst the raised voices from upstairs.

Evidently, Stef's idea of what a civil conversation entailed left something to be desired and Lena regretted not having gone upstairs together as they had originally wanted to. Remembering Bill's missed call from earlier that day had thrown a wrench into that plan. Not wanting to wait until Monday to speak with him or to leave Callie alone any longer than they already had by that point, they split up.

From the commotion, she was not entirely surprised when Stef appeared moments later, red in the face and looking completely worn out.

"Hey!" she said quietly, covering the mouthpiece as Stef stole both her pen and post-it pad. "Home visit needs to happen earlier." For now, she omitted the part about the Juvenile Probation Officer assigned to monitor Callie's parole wanting additional information over the recent incident reports.

"Adoption update. Almost done," Lena explained as her wife slid the notepad back towards her and she saw the hasty scrawl. HELP.

Impatient, Stef reached over to underline her writing several times to emphasize the urgency of the situation. She didn't want Callie to be left by herself at all right now.

As Lena looked to Stef for an explanation, she noticed just how visibly upset and shaken her wife was. It was apparent that she had been crying.

"Bill, I hate to cut this short," Lena interrupted, understanding that she had to quickly wind things down. "I've just realized that I have a late phone meeting scheduled with the other administrators at school that's about to start in a few minutes here," she said, hoping it didn't sound suspicious. "I'll confirm with you first thing Monday about the home visit. Early in the week should be fine. We just want to make sure we give Callie and Jude a bit of a heads up."

It hadn't taken long for Lena's worries from the phone call to pale in comparison with what she learned from her wife.

As she approached the girls' bedroom, Stef on her heels, the irritation she harboured towards the woman escalated. She knew that as much as she was angry, she would need to push it aside so they could both be there for Callie. However, it was difficult not to perseverate on the exchange they had just had.

"Honey, what's going on?" Lena asked. Her wife's distraught demeanour indicated that something was gravely wrong.

"I hit her," Stef replied grimly. Still in shock over the string of unfortunate events, the cop found herself barely able to articulate what she had done which she knew Lena would not agree with at all.

There was a delay before the words registered but once they did, Lena immediately felt her back go up. "What? What do you mean you hit Callie?" she asked, hoping that she had misheard.

"Callie. I— she was so reckless and beyond wilful that I— I got so upset with her," she whispered. Her voice cracked with emotion. "Oh my God." Trying to choke back the sob crawling up her throat, Stef clamped a hand over her mouth and shook her head. Unable to speak, she mimicked a slap with her other hand.

"No. You didn't," Lena insisted in firm disbelief, unsure of who she was trying to convince.

"That is not an excuse! I don't care how infuriating she was, Stef!" she finally exploded, furious as she accepted what her wife was telling her. Not wanting Callie to overhear, Lena dropped her volume to a harsh whisper. "What the hell were you thinking? You are the adult in the situation—she is the child! You don't get to do that!"

It was true that Callie was not an easy child. Far from it. But being easy to manage was never an expectation for any of their kids, and the difficulties hadn't ever meant that she wasn't easy to love or get attached to.

What had surprised her and Stef was the feeling that they were fumbling in the dark as if they were first time parents learning the ropes. Neither of them were perfect by any means; however, they usually found a solution somewhere between Stef's tough love and protectiveness, and her own gentle, authoritative way. That wasn't to say that they didn't disagree or argue when it came to issues around discipline but they had always managed to keep their cool. Until now, anyway.

She found Callie sitting huddled in the space between the desk and the foot of her bed. She was hugging a pillow, her shoulders shaking as she cried silently to herself.

Failing to notice Lena's presence until she got closer, Callie startled violently. She suddenly felt ill as she saw the cop standing a few feet away and wondered if Lena was planning to finish what Stef had started. After all, it had mostly been her stuff that had gotten messed up and the woman was probably just as angry with her, if not more. Realizing how vulnerable she was if Lena were to slap her too, she tried to curl her head further into the pillow.

The woman's heart fell at seeing Callie's stricken, tearstained face. She understood from the way Callie cowered away from her that the girl was afraid of her.

"Honey…" Lena said softly, crouching down onto her knee while keeping her distance, "I'm not going to hurt you. You're okay." Concerned at the shuddered gasps for breath, she was about to suggest that the window be opened but Stef was already on it without having to be asked. Callie was on the precipice of a panic attack. One hand was tucked behind the front panel of her overalls, holding onto a fistful of her t-shirt slightly to the left of her sternum. A habit of her daughter's that she had learned meant her heart was uncomfortably racing.

"I'm going to scoot a bit closer to you so you can hand me your pillow, okay?" Lena explained, not giving Callie a choice but also not wanting to frighten her any more than she already was.

She kept her voice quiet and soothing, hoping it would abate some of the girl's fear and panic. "I know you're not feeling great right now and I think some fresh air will help."

It was clear that extra reassurance was needed when she saw Callie glance at Stef with a worried look. "Hey. Hey. It's alright. You only have to worry about focusing on me right now," she said gently, trying to draw Callie's attention back to her. "Mom's just going to sit over on Mariana's bed in case we need her for anything." Though her hold on the soft object tightened, her daughter nodded, allowing her to finally approach and tug it away.

Lena sighed with a mixture of relief and despair. "There you are. I haven't seen enough of your beautiful face all day." Her internal germaphobe cringed as Callie sniffled and swiped at her runny nose with the back of her hand, which did little but to displace the strands of hair that were stuck to her wet cheeks.

It wasn't until she noticed the teen's dilated pupils that the strong whiff of marijuana hit her. Though she appreciated that some of the pieces were falling into place, it left her more curious than ever at what Callie could've possibly done that Stef felt compelled to hit their child. True, the use of any drugs went against their rules and probation but it hadn't been the first time Callie had smoked pot and her wife hadn't reacted like this before.

Suddenly feeling vulnerable at not having the safety of something to hide behind, Callie wrapped an arm around her knees protectively. She brought the crook of her other arm right up against her nose as she fought to stifle her crying. The sheer exhaustion from the ups and downs of the day, worrying over if Stef and Lena would kick her out, and fatigue the pot brought on had finally gotten the best of her.

"Bug," Lena said sympathetically. She hated to see Callie so miserable. "You don't have to hide."

"Will you let me hold you?" she asked, wanting to have the girl close to offer some security. She suspected how Callie had interpreted Stef's actions from how devastated she appeared. The last thing she wanted was for their daughter to think she wasn't deserving of their love because they had both been upset with her.

She wanted to cry as Callie peered at her cautiously, almost as if wondering why she was being kind to her and searching for any danger or inauthenticity behind the request. Trying to judge if Lena was a safe person to go to.

"I'm not mad," Lena added, seeing the girl struggle with wanting to accept the comfort and protection she was being offered. Fully expecting to be turned down, she was surprised when Callie slowly got up onto her knees and began to move towards her. Seeing the helplessness and fear etched into the girl's expression, she didn't hesitate to pull her into her arms.

"Oh my goodness. Sweetheart," Lena whispered, holding her tightly. "I'm right here. I've got you," she murmured. "No more tears. Everything's going to be okay."

Feeling her knee cap shift painfully, Lena sat cross-legged on the floor and helped her daughter climb onto her lap. Luckily, Callie was slight enough to fit in the space between her legs so she could also sit on the floor while facing her. Her bony knees straddled the woman around the waist.

It didn't take long for Lena's shoulders and lower back to begin to ache but she refused to move, grateful that the girl had come to her willingly and not yet ready to let her go. She could tell by the way Callie avoided making eye contact and buried herself into her curls that she was embarrassed by the childish position, so she held the girl even tighter and rubbed her back. No matter how old her kids got, she never wanted them to feel self-conscious over accepting physical affection.

"You're okay. You're not in any trouble with me. I'm not upset," Lena tried to console. Although she wondered how she would feel once she learned the whole story, her focus now was to help her daughter calm down.

"What, honey?" she questioned at hearing Callie blubber something incomprehensible.

"You will b—be!" the girl finally managed through noisy sobs, afraid of what Lena might do once she learned what she had done.

"Shh…" Lena stroked her daughter's hair lovingly, knowing it would be pointless to ask what this was all about. "I might be, honey," she said, wanting to be honest. "but you need to try and remember what we tell you, okay? That even when Mom and I get angry, never once does our love for you disappear. It doesn't matter what you do or how mad we might get."

She could see Dr. Wiseman's point about the girl's emotional immaturity—Callie had a lot of difficulty understanding that people were capable of more than one emotion at a time, and that one didn't displace another. Her anger at Stef flared up again—how had her wife not foreseen how their daughter would've interpreted her actions?

Stef watched her wife soothe Callie who had begun to sob uncontrollably. She sucked in a shaky breath, wanting so much to comfort the girl but also seeing her weariness. Lena patiently hummed as she held their daughter, whispering reassurances into her ear and kissing her hair every so often. Gradually, Callie's shuddered gasps gave way to quieter hiccupping and sniffling.

"Can you pass us an extra blanket?" Lena asked, noticing goosebumps on the girl's arm. If she had really wanted to, she could've reached to get to the one on Callie's bed; however, she wanted to do something to help repair the bridge between them.

Grateful that her wife was trying to give her a chance at some interaction with their daughter, she grabbed the marled throw from Mariana's bed. "Here my loves," Stef said as padded over slowly. "I've got you covered," she added. Her attempt at breaking the ice with a bad pun only earned her a dirty look from Lena.

But what had devastated her more was when Callie, hearing her approach, tried to push away from Lena. Away from her.

Deciding to persist, the cop knelt by Lena's side and wrapped the blanket around the both of them.

"It's fine," Lena said curtly. She was annoyed with herself for having asked Stef for help as she struggled to preserve their daughter's sense of safety—something her wife had threatened in the first place and was now managing to do again by continuing to hover.

Callie had become noticeably agitated when she had gotten too close and was now uncomfortably stiff, clinging even more tightly to her neck. It had taken a very long time to help her calm down and the thought of having to start over made her anxious for her wife to leave them alone. Her hips were now numb from the prolonged pressure of the hardwood beneath her and she wasn't sure how much longer she would be able to maintain that position.

She was relieved when the doorbell rang, thankful she wouldn't have to figure out how to ask Stef to go without hurting her feelings. However, her irritation grew when the cop made no effort to leave. "I thought you might want a break," Stef explained with uncertainty when Lena glared at her.

Lena shook her head slowly and frowned in disbelief, stopping herself from rolling her eyes. No, she mouthed emphatically.

"Stef. It's fine, I've got this." She kept the annoyance from her tone for Callie's sake. "You've done enough," she added coolly, despite seeing the hurt in her wife's expression.

When the door sounded a second time, she couldn't help but to attack. "Honey, please? A delivery person hasn't ever set foot in this house and I highly doubt they're going to start now."

Too overwhelmed by her emotions to speak, Stef bit down hard on her quivering lip. As she left, she wondered if Lena believed what she had promised Callie—whether everything would really be okay.

A/N:

As many reviewers identified, the ripple effects of Stef's reaction will be far-reaching, with the reemergence of Callie's trauma being the most significant and how that will impact her relationship with the women. There is definite potential for legal ramifications to come into play as Stef and Lena are both mandated reporters. Callie's involvement with the juvenile justice system will also complicate matters and there won't be an easy answer.

My intention behind the scene with Stef losing patience was to show a reaction in a volatile situation after several stressors had already taken place. It was not at all meant to be a validation of her actions. I'm interested in showing her struggle as a parent, not so much in labeling things as right or wrong. From the outset, I didn't want to write an easy, feel-good story but rather one that's realistic and reflective of the complexities inherent in system-involved youth.

I also wanted to respond to the reviewer who raised concerns that Callie tends to be the one with more difficulties with Jude. I think this happens naturally; because of age difference, they would've likely processed and experienced trauma differently. Callie's worldview has also been shaped by juvie. Jude's issues will come to light in due time...patience, friend(s).

~b