Author's note:

Sorry for the slow updating here. Too many stories, too little time. I haven't played Veronica in like three thousand years. This is the abridged, confused, and slightly weird version my brain can construct. It is all over the place, I have no clue if it follows the game. It has the general idea down (maybe). But it's where the story is going. Thanks for reading it. It's so silly and simple. I'm glad it's amusing people.

Slainte!

….

VI: ASHFORD, ASSHOLES, AND WHO FARTED ON CLAIRE?

ROCKFORT ISLAND, 1998

:::::::::::::::::SIX::::::::::::::::::::

The training facility was awful. It was decrepit. It was gross and filthy inside. Dead bodies were EVERYWHERE.

Burnside was potentially the dumbest kid ever born. He kept running forward into open rooms to look for weapons. Leon was silently calling him Scooby because he was an eager, stupid, somewhat whiny puppy of a kid.

It was a funny feeling to want to hold Claire's hand while they scoured the first floor of the filthy dump. But, admittedly, they'd had a nice moment out there. The fear of nearly dying had bonded them together again. They'd been fucking lucky bunnies since Raccoon City and it hadn't been enough to push a huge crush into love. Apparently, it had taken a trip down a roaring river and hanging with a dumbass to make them realize it.

They cleared rooms with Leon wielding the bowgun. But honestly, there wasn't shit to find. It was a dump. It contained nothing of any significance. They stepped into a room that was clearly meant to be a power generator, complete with a rushing water from a lions mouth bust, and something crackled above them. Leon looked up to see an old speaker hung on the wall in the corner on a rusty stand with duct tape holding it up.

A voice came out of the speaker. It was high pitched and girly.

"Heeeeellllooooo again!"

Leon lifted a brow at Claire, "You met Mike Tyson?"

Claire snorted a little.

And the voice said, "Welcome to my PLAYGROUND. I'm sorry to tell you that you won't be leaving. You see…I have need of TEST SUBJECTS. All my other playmates are DEADDDDD!"

Leon shifted a little and glanced at the far door. He had a feeling they were about to in a buttload of trouble. He wasn't wrong. The door burst open and a rubberband arm man came through. Claire made a sound and shoved him.

The arm snapped between them and smacked the floor where they'd been. Steve made a whoop of battle and raced at it. He fired his ugly luger and peppered it with heavy rounds. Leon lifted the bowgun and sent one straight into its face.

It staggered, Steve rushed it, and it swung that arm. It hit Steve who stumbled into the wall; Claire took up the charge and tackled it around the middle while he fell down. She ripped the arrow from its face and shoved it over the narrow bridge so it hit the water and was swept away.

Claire offered a hand to Steve and pulled him up. He was grinning at her. "I'll tell you what, hot stuff. If Kennybees dies over there, I'm gonna make you my woman until you can't STAND without craving the burn."

Claire showed him the arrow. "See this, Steve?"

"Yup." He wiggled his brows at her. "You like sharp pokey stuff? I can show you my arrow. Bet I can HIT that target of yours."

Leon took a step forward to smack him upside the head and Claire put the point of the arrow to his crotch. Steve blinked at her and grinned wider. "You like the rough stuff huh?"

Claire smiled, wolfishly. "Listen to me. I find your bumbling attempts at flirtation, sometimes, quite funny. You're being a pervoid right now. Shut up. Or I will give you the fucking you keep begging for."

Steve looked excited, "Oh yeah?"

" I will shove this arrow right up your cornhole. And then your insides will, indeed, start burnin."

Steve gulped a little and coughed. "Right. Right. So…maybe you're not really my type, dollface. Maybe…we just be friends."

Claire laughed and turned away. She offered the bolt to Leon. He took it from her hand with a wry expression on his face.

Claire went through the door the rubberband arm man had come through.

Steve looked pale and nervous now. He coughed again. "That chic is A-Class nutso man. A piece of ass for sure…but what a psycho."

Leon gave him a long suffering look. "Sideburns, you might the dumbest guy I've ever met. And that's sayin something when we're surrounded by the undead."

He smacked Steve upside the head for good measure as he followed Claire into the next room. This one was some kind of infirmary or something. It was filled with bottles of medicine and floating heads in jars. There was a couple of cots with mattress stained brown with old blood stains. A body was lying face down and half dangling on the floor.

Claire was pulling a set of shears from its temple. She glanced over her shoulder at them. And she made the shears open and shut menacingly.

Leon kept his face deadpan. Steve? He grabbed his nuts with a small sound of fear.

The room spilled them out into a big area with a SHIT LOAD of zombies. There were at least thirty of them. Claire tried to backpedal and the other way was blocked by a rubberband arm man.

Steve made a whoop of delight and raced at the zombies. Leon turned to face the rubberband arm man and Claire was too busy dealing with four undead to help him.

Split up, the three of them tackled their opponents individually. Leon was slapped around and thrown into the bloody cots to tumble to the floor with a grunt. He lost the bowgun and scrambled to avoid the slap of that huge arm as it came snapping down at him.

It smashed into the cot and over turned it, knocking him into the far wall. Leon was pinned behind it, gasping for air. The rubberband man slapped that arm into his face and knocked him cold.

Claire was already moving. She foot swept the zombie in front of her, shoved it into two more, and sent them toppling over the railing beside her. Steve was brandishing his gun like a champ. He blew one away and kicked two more into the water over the bridge.

Claire tackled one, lifted it at the hips in a move that would have made her brother proud, and threw it into three more. They all went down like bowling pins. The way was clear. She ran back into the infirmary and the rubberband arm man had Leon's face in its hand. He was lifting him off the floor and shaking him like a dog with a bone.

Shouting, Claire grabbed one of the jars with a head in it and launched it as she ran. It smashed with a tinkle of sound and burp of nasty liquid, and the rubberband man dropped Leon to the floor to face her. She whistled at it, waited, and rolled when it snapped its arm at her. She came up under it, shoved it around the hips, and pushed it over the cot beside it.

It went to the floor as she snatched up the bowgun and shot it in the ugly face. When it struggled, she ripped the bolt from its face and shoved it back in as it squealed. When it tried to snap its arm at her, she ripped the bolt out, ducked, and stomped on its face. She stomped until it was still and the ugly face looked, somehow, even uglier. It was hamburger. It was a mess.

She swung back to glance at Leon. He was on his face on the floor. She couldn't check him. Not yet. They had to take care of the zombies first.

She rushed out into the main area with the bowgun. The zombies converged on her. She shot two with one bolt through the face and kicked the next one that grabbed for her. She fought like she'd kill the all with her bare hands. Which, she kinda was.

When she was surrounded by five of them, she figured it was as good a day to die as any. She ripped the bolt from the closest dead zombie and started fighting with it like a knife. She took two with her and three more finally took her to the floor.

Screaming, flopping, she threw elbows and kicked bodies and felt the heat of fetid breath on her face. One came down for the final chomp and she turned her head away with a shout of denial. It was ripped off her a second later with the crunch of a broken neck.

She watched from the ground as Leon kicked, threw a pretty rocking punch to the face, and literally threw the undead off her. When her legs were clear, Claire rolled and kicked the next one that lunged for him. It staggered, Leon turned and drove a punch into its chest, and she finished it off with a shove over the railing.

He looked awful. His face was all swollen on oneside. His hair was a disaster. But he seemed ready to rumble. They paired up and took turns kicked and punching and pushing. The room was mostly clear when a fat zombie made a dive for her. It took her to the floor, Leon went to grab it and Steve gave a shout of rage so loud it scared the piss out of them.

He filled the zombie full of bullets while he screamed.

"DAAAAAAAD!"

And so Steve Burnside slaughtered his undead father. He fell to the ground and started weeping. Claire and Leon held gazes over his head. Leon patted his shoulder a little and Claire rubbed his hair.

Uncomfortable, they listened to Steve tell the horrible story of a terrible mistake and a corrupt power play that had landed both he and his father in the prison. Apparently, they all had reasons to hate Umbrella. Leon let Claire comfort him and moved around looking for anything to give them some help here.

Poked under a box in the corner, he found a blue ant. A blue ant.

An ant…that was blue.

Curious, he picked it up. It was heavy and made of some kind of stone. It had flecks in it that made it…pretty. If an ant could be pretty.

Shrugging, he stuck it in his pocket. You never knew when you might need a blue ant.

Even the sentence sounded stupid in his head.

They waited until Steve was done blubbering and weeping. Feeling sorry for him, Leon patted his hiccupping back as they kicked open the door of the training facility and stepped out into the rain. The courtyard was long and narrow. Claire crossed by him and Leon winced.

She blinked up at him. "What?"

He licked his lips and rolled them under. "You…smell pretty bad."

Steve was nodding a little. "Yeah. You reek. Did you fart?"

Offended, Claire shoved him. "Are you kidding!? It's all the zombie guts all over me. Intestines stink…you assholes."

Steve snickered a little. Leon looked slightly sorry about it. "Sorry. But…it's pretty bad. Hopefully the rain washes it away."

Steve said, "It smells like you shit yourself."

Claire, mad as hell, shouted, "You know what, Sideburns!? You probably DID shit yourself. You big baby."

Leon chuckled a little.

Claire gave him the stink eye, "Don't you start, Leon Kennedy. You got beat up by a rubberband man. If it wasn't for ME and my stinky ass…you'd be dead now! So, blow it out your ass."

Shamed, the two men followed her angry stride across the courtyard. Leon felt like she should learn to take a joke better. Sheesh. It wasn't THEIR fault she stunk. But it did grate the pride to also know she was right. She'd saved his life. They both knew it.

Steve looked like a sullen kid.

The trio of hapless heroes moved through the mud in silence. Finally, Steve broke the quiet by saying, "In the submarine…I came across a plane."

The whole sentence just sounded dumber than a box of rocks. But it was out there. So Leon intoned, "A what now?"

"A plane. But it's missing two weird disk things to get the platform across to it to expand. If we find them, we can get the fuck off this rock."

Claire and Leon joined eyes over his head. They were both seeing the same path here. It ended with them on a plane and headed to safety. Leon opened his mouth to congratulate their stupid companion on FINALLY being useful…and there was a rumble from beneath them.

Claire blinked.

Steve froze.

Leon felt the earthquake begin and knew they were about to face something pretty fucking awful. The ground was shaking so badly they all tumbled and stumbled and went down into the mud. Leon scrambled, Claire grabbed Steve to threw him forward…and the world ERUPTED.

From within the ground, the sandworm from Beetlejuice EXPLODED out of the muddy earth in a spray of flying mud and filthy water. It was massive. It was enormous. It was the biggest fucking worm they'd ever seen. The body was as wide as a schoolbus, as long as three of them back to back. The mouth had a thousand teeth exposed and dripping in a mouth with a tongue that looked like it would wrap three times around their throats and devour them.

First the biggest croc, now the biggest worm.

"What the fuck is with this corrupt ass company and making GIANORMOUS FUCKING MONSTERS!?" Yelled Claire at the top of their lungs.

And Steve bellowed, "RUN FROM THE HUGE COCK!"

If it was a penis, Leon mused, it was uncircumcised. And it was CLEARLY angry. It was going to eat them. The huge dick was going to eat them. It would have been comic if it wasn't the scariest moment they'd ever had.

Of course, it made sense that it looked like a cock…because they were FUCKED.

They ran, they fell, they rolled. Claire kept throwing Steve out of the way as it squirmed toward them and shook the ground with each movement. It went into the earth, the ground shook and tossed them around…and it sprang out to attack.

Leon felt the wind against his back as it missed him by inches.

He shouted, into the roaring rain, "RUN! GET BACK TO THE PALACE! HURRY!"

And they split up.

What choice was there?

They all ran for it.

Claire and Steve hit the gate first and burst through, rushing up the rise. Leon was forced back into the training facility. He backtracked and ran back the way they'd come.

At the palace, Claire and Steve emerged inside panting and gasping. She turned, scanning for Alfred. There was no sign of him. They waited.

They waited.

And Leon never showed up.

Steve said, "We should find those disks…cause um…you know…Kimmibeans would want us to."

Claire shook her head. She shook it again and she smacked his hand away from her arm. "Shut up. Just shut up. He's coming. He'll be here. And it's KENNEDY, you asshat. Kennedy! His name is LEON KENNEDY!"

Claire moved up the stairs, angry and scared. How often was she going to worry about Leon?! God, love was hard. It was awful.

It sucked shit and made you feel like you were as big as an ant. She kicked the locked door at the top. She kept on kicking until the damn thing burst open. The hallway beyond the locked door opened to a beautiful walkway filled with fragrant flowers and the sound of rain and wind.

Claire moved through down the walkway with Steve in tow looking nervous and scared.

At the far side, she eased open the gate and emerged in another open courtyard. This time a huge mansion was waiting for them. A mansion. What had Chris told her about mansions?

Nothing good ever happened in them.

She started forward and the sound of laughter drew her up short.

She was staring across the courtyard at a man in black. He was tall and handsome and blonde. He looked Nordic and fit and was smiling. He was…wearing sunglasses at night…which was just fucking weird. Claire lifted her brows at him.

"Who are you?"

The man started laughing. It was a creepy laugh. It was horrid. It made her skin crawl.

"You know…when I attacked this island…I had no idea I'd find something so perfect here. Claire Redfield…we've met before. You don't remember me? Your sainted brother belonged to me once. And tried to see me dead."

Claire froze. Steve, behind her, cowered.

"Captain Wesker?"

"Ah. AH. Captain. How long has it been since someone called me that?" Wesker meandered toward her. He was grinning like a cat that ate the canary, "I must thank you for being here, Claire. Really. Your brother will come for you now. And I will destroy him."

Claire narrowed her eyes at him. This fucker was the reason she was trying to find her brother. He was the reason Raccoon had gone down. He was the reason she was running for her life.

She said, "You won't. You won't touch him. I'll rip your dick off and shove it up your ass!"

He grabbed her around the throat and lifted her off the ground. One handed. One hand. He wasn't human. No way. Steve swung a punch at him and Wesker backhanded him, sending him sliding away.

Claire choked, gasping. She squeaked out, "My brother is TWICE the man you are!"

And Wesker laughed. He laughed and threw her. She went up and over and came down on her back. It hurt. She bowed and sucked in air as the pain washed over her. She rolled to her side and tried to get to her feet. She ground out, "My brother is GOOD, you son of a bitch. And good? It always wins!"

Wesker kicked her in the stomach and sent her rolling. She hit the gate with a clang of metal.

"I HATE CHRIS REDFIELD!" Shouted the man in glasses. He moved to grab her and stopped. He put his hand to his ear and said, "Mmm hmm. Yes. Really? No. Wait there. I'm on my way."

And he grinned down at her.

He grabbed a handful of her hair and jerked her to her knees. She swung an uppercut at him the he deflected and followed up with a backhand. It sent her skidding along the ground on her face. "I'm going to leave you alive, you stupid girl. Take the gift. It appears I still need you. When your brother arrives? I'll show you how good guys lose. Come against me at your peril, Claire Redfield. And face the same fate as your brother."

Claire tried to get to her feet again and he shoved a boot down on her back, smashing her face into the cobblestones. "Don't be stupid. Stay down. Obey. Be a good dog. And maybe I'll let you live."

From the ground, Claire rasped out, "If you touch my brother…I will FUCK you up."

Sighing, Wesker said, "Idiot. Redfields are nothing but bravado and no brains." And he kicked her in the face.

The world exploded red, black, and white and went dark. She rolled across the ground listening to Albert Wesker laughing. Like nails on chalkboard. It was the shittiest end to the shittiest day.

Her body rolled, rolled, and stopped. And she slumped, defeated.

As her brain dumped her into the center of all that pain and left her floating…somewhere in the waiting dark.