Almost didn't get to make this update in time (felled by a summer flu last week and lost some writing nights). This development has been in the works for awhile but honestly I had such a hard time with it. Turns out there's a reason I tend to avoid writing the dynamic between Stef and Lena—it's hard! Hope I got it right. As always, thank you for the love and support. ~b'shert

Chapter 30: A Change of Heart

"I can't believe I did that to her, Lena. After everything those kids have been through…" Stef said, finally breaking the silence. "I ended up failing Callie so many times last week."

She cleared her throat and forced herself to continue. "I cornered her into talking about Jeanine during the assessment instead of respecting that maybe she wasn't ready. Instead of reassuring her that that not sharing was okay, and that I'd stand up for her. But all I could think of was that she wasn't cooperating," she admitted as her voice cracked.

"I didn't protect her like I was supposed to, Lena! God, I was so stupid!"

"Oh, honey… No," Lena shook her head sympathetically. She had remembered when Stef had phoned from the road to let her know Callie had run away and listening to all of her insecurities then. It wasn't until now, however, that she truly appreciated the extent of self-blame Stef had been wrestling with. Because of her own resentment towards the cop for what had transpired, she had essentially isolated her—forcing Stef to carry that burden on her own.

None of that was your fault, Lena stopped herself from saying. She knew from experience how counterproductive it would be to argue with Stef when she was like this.

Needing something to calm her nerves and to busy herself, she left her desk to start the kettle for tea. Her wife was engaged in her own form of distraction, staring out the window at nothing in particular, a blank expression on her face.

Nothing that the cop had explained had surprised her; it simply confirmed what she had suspected all along. That didn't make any of it easier to understand, though.

In fact, her body knew what was wrong right away. It was her mind that trailed behind, suddenly inept at processing what she was hearing. Her heart pounded away at her ribs and echoed in her ears, making Stef's words sound faraway. She had heard, but was struggling to wrap her head around how anyone could mistreat a child in that way.

The woman's frustration tolerance caved as she retrieved the tea bags and placed them into the mugs. Distracted by the tacky sensation in her mouth and her vibrating hands, the task was suddenly much more difficult than it should've been. Emotionally frozen, her body was revolting.

It struck Lena that this was how it felt to harbour the knowledge your children had been hurt intentionally—and the details of how it had taken place.

This was what it meant to have your heart shattered.

Her numbness was an advantage right now. Because as much as she wanted to curl in bed and cry, she couldn't. Not now. Stef needed her to be there—as she should've been from the start.

"Callie was probably terrified and that's why she ran off the way she did. I bet she was scared to death about how we might react, and that's why she was pushing my buttons," Stef said slowly as she put two-and-two together.

It was what Callie did best whenever she felt threatened. Testing limits. Fighting. Lashing out before anyone could get to her first. "And then instead of trying to figure out what was wrong, I decided to punish her," she continued, finally feeling as though she was able to vent without the fear of repercussion.

"Honey, you didn't know," Lena consoled. "You didn't know, and Callie didn't know how to bring any of this up."

Now it was the cop's turn to shake her head in disappointment. The pieces were slowly clicking into place, leaving her with a truth that threatened to crush her. The pieces were slowly clicking into place, leaving her with a truth that threatened to crush her. "I should've tried harder to be patient and to find out what was going on. I owed her that much. There was so much more to her behaviour that day and I was so focused on reacting to it instead of learning what was behind it. Callie really needed us and I let her down," she said, admitting her deepest regret that day.

"I think you were doing the best you could, under conditions that were not very forgiving," Lena pointed out. She couldn't help but wonder how differently things might have turned out had they not been facing the stress of waiting to see if Callie would be picked up before they could locate her. Or having to return the cruiser on time before declaring what it'd been used for. Their patience barometer would've likely been higher in helping them deal more calmly with the series of unfortunate events that ensued once Callie had come home.

"I—I punished her over something she didn't have control over. Over something I set off for her," Stef maintained. "That's not something I can just take back," she said quietly.

"You were only trying to do what was right by Callie," Lena replied, being careful with how she chose her words. She understood just how painful this was for her wife—and how hard she would be taking this had their roles being reversed.

True, their daughter's ability to cope had been easily overwhelmed that day, and she felt even more terrible with the information they had now. However, it was hard to argue that Callie hadn't known what she was doing. Intent and background provided a context but ultimately, people were still responsible for their actions. As parents, that was a lesson they were obligated to teach.

"I agree, the circumstances were unfortunate and out of her control…but it didn't help that baby girl decided to make some poor choices on top of everything. She's still responsible for those. We have always maintained with Callie that we would never be upset over how she felt. That it's what she does with them that matters," Lena reminded.

"None of that should be news to Callie. She knows that you weren't giving her consequences simply because she was distressed."

"It doesn't matter," Stef said in discouragement, clearly unwilling to accept what she was hearing. In her opinion, Lena was deflecting from the main issue at hand. That she had acted in a way that had frightened her daughter, even if for a fleeting moment.

"You weren't there—you didn't see how Callie looked at me. She was scared…so scared when it happened," the cop managed to utter before clamping a hand over her mouth to keep herself from sobbing.

"She fought me and I told her that it wasn't her choice," she whispered once she had regained her composure.

It was the alarm in her daughter's eyes when she recognized how she would be disciplined and threw her hand back in a seasoned, defensive move that tore Stef apart. Because by then, it'd been too late for the girl. Increasingly frustrated by Callie's attempts to avoid her hand, she had been even more determined to follow through. And instead of reconsidering, she had anticipated her every move to deliver a message that had left her own palm stinging—and the both of them in tears.

As an adult, she could process all of that. It was Callie's capacity to do so that she doubted.

"This is all my fault," Stef said tearfully. "Callie's so afraid of doing something wrong or Jude making a mistake because of the consequences that she's convinced the safer option is to hide it from us. Regardless of what it entails. That's basically what she told you." She nodded towards Jude's homework. "That's why this happened."

Deep down, Stef had always suspected that something like this could happen, even though it felt like she and Lena had explained until they went hoarse. But as the stakes to all the misbehaviour climbed, she had also felt cornered—as if there'd be no way to make things better without repercussions Callie found adverse enough to dissuade her.

And she had found one. In fact, she was fairly certain that her daughter wouldn't be repeating those mistakes for a long time. What she hadn't expected was for Callie to become anxious over getting into trouble.

"I wanted to give her a scare but never did I want to make my child be afraid of me. Not once," Stef admitted, struggling to come to terms with a sobering thought. That Callie wasn't just afraid to make a mistake because she was worried of being punished but because she had become wary of them—either fearing them or worse, convinced she had risked losing their love and affection.

The cop brushed away her tears without much success. "She thinks we won't love her, Lena…that's what she was taught and—"

"—And you did not reinforce that. Never. So don't you dare blame yourself like that," Lena said firmly, knowing her wife well enough to know what was on the verge of her tongue.

She wished that Stef hadn't felt the need to be so harsh with Callie that day, especially having the full history now. Their daughter had looked to her in the aftermath, completely lost, confused, and bereft. In her mind, no behaviour could ever justify evoking those feelings in any child. Doing so carried the risk of overshadowing whatever lesson they were trying to get across. Still, she never once doubted Stef's actions for anything but being out of love and concern for Callie.

But as much as she disagreed, Lena had to admit that they'd handled it in the best possible way. There had been several conversations afterwards to ensure Callie understood why she had been given the consequences she had. They had gone over what could've been done differently so better choices were identified for next time and to help Callie learn from the experience, beyond just what she shouldn't do. She and Stef had stayed with her to provide comfort and told her that she was loved. And while Callie didn't know it, having her stick close to them while grounded was allowing them ample opportunity to show her all of that. Slowly, it appeared that this approach was working.

"Listen, Callie may be worried and scared, but it's only natural that she would be as she tries to make sense what happened," Lena explained. "You have to remember that she's trying to figure you out, too. It's important that we give her a lot of support and patience right now," she urged, ultimately believing it was a positive sign that the experience had phased their daughter. It showed that Callie was questioning her situation and what it meant for her, rather than merely being resigned to it.

"I don't think she is ever going to forgive me for this," Stef said, choking on her tears. "What if she hates me? She will barely come near me anymore and I can't blame her for that. It was horrible…just horrible, Lena."

Wanting to comfort her wife, she approached the window where Stef had remained the entire time. The cop appeared lost in thought, turning to face her only after she placed a hand on her shoulder. "That is not true. This is Callie we're talking about. She cannot hold a grudge against anyone, let alone hate them," she countered. She placed her palms onto the sides of Stef's face in a gesture urging her to listen.

"It's not hard to see that Bug absolutely admires you. She brightens whenever she gets a chance to be close to you, or when you're praising her efforts at forging your signature to conspire against me," Lena teased.

"Is she upset? Yes. Scared…confused, yes. Her pride is probably hurt, and I bet she's worried that she's disappointed you. But Callie loves you and I know, deep down, still trusts that you're safe. She wouldn't have scurried over to you to hide and get reassurance after getting scolded by her Mama otherwise," Lena pointed out, rolling her eyes in mild annoyance as Stef gave a tearful laugh. "She doesn't hate you, honey. I promise you that."

They'd been living in a pressure cooker for several weeks and not only did Stef look emotionally exhausted, but close to her breaking point. Seeing her wife so crushed was hard; in their relationship, Stef was always the strong one who never thought twice about going into situations head on. While she wasn't always able to keep her cool, she consistently dealt with crises and got things done in an efficient manner.

When the kids were younger, it was Stef who would wrangle all three of them into the car and go off on errands to give her some quiet time. The truth was that Lena tended to shy away from going into public with three preschoolers by herself due to lack of confidence and fear of looking like she couldn't handle them. During dreaded immunizations, her wife was the one who held each of them in place because she couldn't bear the feeling of being complicit in their discomfort. And whenever there was a spider in the house, it was Stef who everyone—including her—called for.

"You have to remember, too, that a lot of Callie's reactions are going to be conditioned. She's going to react based on instinct first before thinking about it—that is what has worked for her before. So I think there's a very good possibility that she knows we're safe even though she's also afraid of us," Lena said, thinking out loud.

"Like what happened just now. Callie started out being more than a little uncertain about what you might have to say but she ended up relaxing," Lena pointed out. The relief on the girl's face had been unmistakeable.

Now that she thought of it, she figured Jude probably had something similar going on. It was the only thing that made sense when she recalled how both children had shrank from the talking-to they had received before scurrying to Stef for protection.

"She approached you over the weekend. She was thrilled that she was finished getting organized for the week because you'd sat down to help her…and I seem to remember that grin on her face when she managed to get in a good dig at you for being old enough to own a tape player," she continued as Stef chuckled sadly.

"Plus, she opened up to you about Colleen in the garage, all by her own volition. That wasn't just a little thing—you were both gone for quite some time," Lena added, feeling somewhat envious.

Not sure if she quite believed Lena, the cop looked away. They had kept a close eye on Callie all week, worried about how withdrawn she had become as the week progressed. Slowly but surely, she had preferred to keep to herself, spending more time apart even from Jude. It could've been due to a number of stressors: the family meeting, the grief of remembering Colleen, or the readjustment to school. In any case, Callie appeared lost in thought as she went through her day, diligently doing her chores, homework, and following directions without complaint. Her guitar, which she had earned back, remained untouched in the living room. She and Lena also knew their daughter hadn't been sleeping well. They could barely get her up for school and because of it, her new routine of having breakfast in the morning had suffered.

Wasn't that what she had wanted? To have Callie listen and to try and behave herself?

Because on that front, she and Lena welcomed the reprieve from having to manage any rule-breaking or obstinacy. However, it hadn't been without a cost. Callie had returned to the overly compliant, removed child who had first come into their home, before she had wormed her way into their hearts. Seeing her rebuild her walls to keep them at arm's length after catching glimpses of her lighthearted side was hard.

So focused on keeping the girl out of the system, it felt like she had managed to lose a part of her anyway.

"You're not them. You know that right?" Lena asked, finally validating what her wife didn't have the courage to acknowledge.

She'd been with Stef long enough to appreciate that wrapped up in her worries about Callie was an insecurity about how she viewed herself. Second guessing if she, too, belonged to the same group of people who had victimized their children.

"I—I'm not so sure about that," Stef said as her voice cracked slightly and eyes began to well up again. Rational or not, Callie was scared of her—and as a parent, that was a tough pill to swallow. There was a sense of relief at finally having the elephant in the room identified, something she hadn't been able to do herself.

She swallowed, suddenly wondering what their daughter thought of her. "Does it really matter…if Callie doesn't think that that?"

Grappling with her own sense of guilt at Stef's discouragement, Lena gave her an apologetic look. That had been her fault. For days, she had been relentless in reminding Stef that what she had done was an egregious error in judgment. That Callie wouldn't know the difference between being abused and disciplined, and that because of it, she had been just as awful and out of line as them.

Concerned and angry, Lena had taken every sign that Callie had reacted poorly and thrown it back in her wife's face. It had shattered Stef's confidence, which had already been compromised after weeks of struggles with Callie. Lena was ashamed to admit that that was what she had wanted. Trying to cope with her own lack of confidence and feelings of failure, a part of her had rationalized that it was only fair for Stef to feel that way, too. Even her focus on filing a formal incident report had been her way of making a statement that the cop had been wrong. She had only let go of that after being reminded that they had been cutting corners to Callie's favour all along.

In hindsight, it was ridiculous…but that was what had been going on. For both of them to move forward, Lena needed to own that truth.

As for the real reason why she and Stef had held onto their disagreement as long as they had? Lena suspected that it was because neither of them knew what the right thing to do would've been. Stef had acted out of a loss as to what to do. And while she disagreed with the method of discipline, Lena had to admit that she had no idea how she would've reacted had she been the one to discover Callie that day. So they argued, each desperate for validation that their view was more correct than the other's.

Following several days of reflection and keeping a healthy distance from her wife, Lena now accepted that neither of them would get the answer they were looking desperately for. And she was okay with that. She was alright not ever knowing because as parents, you couldn't. So much time and energy could be spent second-guessing, trying to link your children's words and actions and feelings to what had and hadn't been done, that at some point it became counterproductive. All the fighting she and Stef had done had offered little guidance about how to move forward. It hadn't helped them be more present for Callie, who needed their help and support right now.

Lena didn't say anything as she filled the mugs with boiling water. She was grateful when Stef took a seat across from her soon after she set the mugs on her desk, relieved she wouldn't need convincing. Scooting up to the edge of her chair, Lena placed her elbows on the oak, keeping her palms up and open. She gave a painful smile as Stef met her gaze and slowly mirrored her actions, allowing her to gather her wife's hands in her own. They sat like this for awhile, not speaking—each focused on being present for the other.

"Stef. You're not," Lena tried again, this time firmer in her resolve. "What happened…it wasn't the same. You know that, and I think Callie knows it, too. And if she doesn't at this moment, she has the capacity to—with patience and time," she added.

Despite seeing the cop open her mouth to argue, Lena continued. "I know I said before that Callie didn't know the difference, but I was so angry with you. I'd been rationalizing my anger as being on behalf of Callie…like I was giving up on her if I wasn't angry at you. But I think a big part of me just felt betrayed. We never considered any physical means of discipline after trying with Jesus," Lena conceded, feeling her guilt fade away now that she had started being honest.

"It wasn't fair of me to criticize you like that—to make you feel like you were out to victimize Callie like other caregivers did. That wasn't right."

Lena's thoughts on the matter had evolved over the last week, hardening her stance in some ways while softening it in others—all in ways that were unexpected. She was not happy about spanking being used in their home, nor was she convinced it was the answer for Callie. However, it had also not been without reason. While she didn't agree with those reasons, she didn't have to to understand Stef's rationale and that it'd been with Callie's best interests at heart.

It hadn't been an attempt to assert power or to shame her, like punishing a child for prolonged thumb sucking or over being inconvenienced by an accident. Nor had it been a way for Stef to take out her frustration with their daughter—to make her pay—by any stretch of imagination.

Instead, the goal all along was to keep Callie as far away as possible from the chaos and flux of being institutionalized. To create and preserve a sense of normalcy for their daughter, her potential, and wellbeing. They both agreed on the end game. The conflict hinged on a difference of opinion on how they imagined getting Callie there.

Lena cleared her throat, on the verge of tears herself. It was the most honest she had been all week with Stef. Admitting that she hadn't been there for her when she should've been was hard and left her feeling vulnerable.

"I still can't say I would've supported you, but I definitely could've done more to be more supportive than I was," Lena said with sadness in her voice. "Because after all this time I still can't say for certain that I would've known what to do with Callie, or how I would've actually reacted," she whispered, ashamed at her waffling conviction.

"I can't believe she opened my safe, Lena. She had access to my gun and both magazines…the taser. All of it," Stef said, her voice hollow from congestion. She forced herself to take several breaths to keep her composure intact as the panic rose in her throat. The visceral reaction was the same, as if she were back in the exact moment she understood what her daughter had done.

To this day, she wasn't sure that Callie grasped how much she had put herself at risk that day, both in terms of immediate danger and long-term consequences.

"That must have been so scary and I cannot imagine what must've been going through your head when that happened," Lena replied, her heart breaking as Stef broke down into heavy sobs. The experience had been tough on both Stef and Callie.

"I'm so sorry I made you ever feel like you failed her. I'm so sorry about that," Lena said, finally uttering the apology she'd been holding in for awhile. "You were only doing the best thing you could think of at that point. I truly believe you did, honey. You are so committed to these kids; your love for Callie and Jude are obvious and they just soak it up. I never doubted you for that and I'm sorry for ever implying otherwise because I was angry with you."

"Callie must be so confused. What if she doesn't come back to me?" Stef asked timidly as she admitted her worst fears out loud. She wanted to believe Lena, she really did. It was just hard to.

"That's not going to happen," Lena asserted. Based on what she had seen, she firmly believed that the girl was warming up to Stef again, but understood the cop's anxiety. "But for now, we keep being patient and reassure her, to show that she is safe and loved. We don't give up."

"And when you think she's ready, you talk to her."