Author's note:

You might see chapters mislabeled in this story. You might see utter stupidity and complete lack of cohesive story telling. That's the point. It's a parody and somewhat of a crack fic. It's totally meant to be a mockery of itself. Thank you for the support and reading. It's so fun to write.

….

XI: Bed Bugs are Terrible Dance Partners

ANTARCTICA, 1998

:::::::::::::::::ELEVEN:::::::::::::::::::

If one were to look back at all the stupid things they'd ever done in their lives, they might discover a handful of particularly embarassing events. For Chris Redfield, it started when he was the first contestant on the Price is Right - and lost at spinning the wheel by less than a nickle.

In typical fashion, he didn't take this defeat gracefully. He immediately turned and punched Bob Barker in the face and kicked the winning contestant in the balls. This netted him three days in the clink to dry out and consider his misfortunes, and a lecture from Claire on how he needed to "think first and punch later." He followed up that lecture by punching a hole in the living room wall in rage.

Claire sent him to his room without dinner.

The second came from losing his bag of guns by admiring his personal ones. He stopped now and considered his guns in the freezing air - perfect. He flexed and impressed himself until Leon called, "Hey, Narcissus, you wanna stop oogling yourself and help me figure out how we got here?"

Chris shrugged as he joined him in the entrance of the cold facility where Claire's plane was still ticking and smoking. "Nope. Just go with it. Does it matter?"

It did, but it didn't. They'd be fleeing the island and wound up here. How? Apparently the great storyteller of the universe was just transplanting them wherever she felt like it. (...*cough*) Clearly some willing suspension of disbelief was needed to set this ridiculous farce of a plot back in order and help them find Claire.

To move things along, they were somehow following some pretty glaring clues as to where to find their favorite redhead.

Someone had drawn a lipstick diagram of the facility on the wall with a big red X labeled - GO HERE DOOFUS. There was a kiss mark and a butterfly adjacent to the map that made Chris muse, "...whafuck?"

Leon shrugged and commented, "Just go with it."

"Right on."

Sitting on the ground by the diagram was an enormous grenade launcher. It felt like maybe the universe was starting to work in their favor after all. After divesting Chris of all his weapons, they were finally being given the means to survive this nightmare.

But no coats.

Somehow they'd arrived in Antarctica in clothes made for a Raccoon City summer. Chris, still in his stupid S.T.A.R.S. uniform proclaiming himself an outsider, a traitor, and an idiot to any who lived here. And Leon stupidly dressed in a purple t-shirt and jeans.

The shirt had a picture of the Kool-Aid man on it smoking a crack pipe.

Where had it come from? He couldn't even remember putting it on. Apparently, he was wearing it as some kind of terrible comedic message from the eye in the sky. Beneath the Kool-Aid man was the old catch phrase, "Ohhhh, yeahhhhhh!"

Additionally, he was freezing his ass off.

Chris, however, appeared just fine. His forearms, visible beneath his uniform, weren't even covered in goosebumps. When he caught Leon staring, he said, "My muscles make me invulnerable. I'm a quintessential American beefcake - I'm impervious to the cold."

Leon nodded, satisfied with that answer, "I'm more a reformed bad boy with a heart of gold type, ya know? I'll likely age angry and resentful and turn into an antihero trope before I'm forty."

Chris nodded and patted his back, "I'll try too hard to be a good guy, fail miserably, and make some bad command decisions that get most of my supporters killed while I subsequently descend into depression and addiction and nearly die trying to prove I'm still a hero."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. In an effort to reform myself, even my face won't be recognizable when I'm done reinventing myself."

Leon nodded and sighed, "Yeah. I'm thinking of trying my hand at being a pithy secret agent type who single handedly does something impossible and related to national security while looking suave and gorgeous, coolly diverting the advances of a stereotypical horny coed type and setting myself up to be a franchise golden goose."

Chris replied, looking introspective, "That's pretty smart dude. But what about Claire?"

"Oh, well she'll age badly and regret never having children - get involved with her boss who screws her over and spend most of her time trying to prove she's still relevant to a tired series. But we'll still have some good times together at least in the head canon of most of the fans, ya know?"

Chris sighed, greatly, "Good for you guys. I'll probably use up all my good years turned into the homosexual equivalent of The Graduate opposite an adorable, but vastly boring, male subordinate."

"Nice. Seems reasonable."

"It does." Chris paused, considered things, and added, "Most of this is bullshit anyway. You know why?"

"Why?"

"I was first man. You stole my thunder."

"...yeah. What can I say? I'm better looking, funnier, and easier to write. Even the universe prefers me. I know for a fact that eye in the sky is a fan girl of mine. She will likely write me into every uncomfortable romantic and personal situation from now until the end of time because she adores me - I'm really just the perfect character under my overly cliche super hero shell, ya know? I'm just a better fit for everyone - including that hot piece of ass you call your partner. Girls just love me better than you. We both know your sister sure does."

And that's how Leon Kennedy got punched in the face.

The hit threw him down a clanging set of steel stairs and had him rolling along the ground at the bottom. Really, he had it coming, so he couldn't even be upset about it. But it was still like being punched in the face by Ironman.

There was no more time to argue though as something started roaring.

"CCCCCCLLLLLLAAAAIIIIREEEEE!"

And, for the life of him, Leon couldn't remember why he'd ever been mean to Steve Burnside as the kid was currently mutated, green and huge like the Hulk, and rushing down the corridor carrying a scythe as big as a ten foot ladder. It seemed, in hindsight, he might have been kinder to the idiot because now there was a personal vendetta about to take place against Leon's very lovely, very delicate skin.

Still, one had to attempt to stop the inevitable death they were courting, right?

"SIDEBURNS! Good to see you man!"

And the monster roared, "MINNNNNE! MY CLLLLLAIRE!"

Or maybe not.

Leon turned and fled, giving a yip of fear as he shouted, "REDFIELD! SHOOT THAT FREAK WITH THAT FUCKING GRENADE LAUNCHER!"

As if that part really needed said.

He said it anyway.

Leon swung left as the scythe tried to cleave his head from his shoulders and struck the wall with a loud squeal of metal. It threw sparks as Leon stumbled and mumbled, desperately, "Holy shit in a sandwich made of sour ballsack...this can't be how I die. I should have been a rampaging half demon, half angel that drinks alot and has an uncomfortable relationship with a woman who looks just like his mother...how did I end up here!?"

And Chris shouted, "Who's the second choice now, huh?!"

Asshole.

Leon rolled, missed losing his left side to a broad swing from the angry Sideburns, and begged, "Sideburns! HAY! HEY! It should have been me right? This is raw deal for you! But it's not my fault the ladies love me!"

Chris added, "It was supposed to be you, you little asshole! But you were too fucking popular!"

How was that his fault!?

And Chris finished, "STOP RUNNING SO I CAN SHOOT THIS BASTARD!"

Whafuck? Was he kidding!?

Leon rounded another curve and saw Claire. She was bound to a wall and wrapped in a huge...tentacle!? It was squeezing her life from her bones. Leon shouted, loudly, "LET GO OF MY WOMAN!"

Which pissed off angry Sideburns the monster enough that it roared so loudly it nearly shook the building down. "MYYYYYY CLAIREEEEE!"

Jesus. If she didn't have the best tits in the West and a mouth like a Hoover, Leon was starting to wonder if she was worth all this drama. The second she saw him, his heart just...kinda plopped around in his chest...and he remembered he was in love with her. Like a lot. Like a big time lot. So it was so worth it.

Damnit.

So he called, "Sideburns! Someone is squeezing your woman to death there!"

It worked like a charm. Sideburns roared and knocked down the gate standing between Leon and Claire, he swung his scythe into the tentacle clutching her like a teddy bear, and the thing severed with a pop and spurt of gross fluid. It sprayed like a hose before it retreated, changed it's mind, and spun out to slap the shit out of Sideburns before it stabbed him right in the chest.

He grunted, tumbled, and fell on his ass on the floor. The scythe spun away and Claire tumbled into Leon's arms as she fell. She gasped, grabbing for him, "Oh thank god you're here! How did you find me!?"

"...I'm just that good, baby."

She kissed him and Steve gasped, "CLAIRE! OH MY LOVE! I'm not long for this world!"

Claire sighed and turned toward him. She crouched, touching his face. "Oh, you big idiot. Why did you have to be so brave?"

He clutched her hand to kiss the palm as his big ugly body reverted to a human one the color of puke and old peas. Chris came stumbling into the room as he gasped wetly and recited poetry to Claire.

He glanced at Leon who shrugged and remarked, "He's dying. Let him have his moment."

"Cool. Sorry Dude."

Steve shrugged and gasped, "I am disposable. Just cannon fodder put in place to allow the more popular fan favorite to survive and thrive. I had no hope. But at least I had...this."

He dragged Claire down to kiss her. She made "hmph hmph" sounds and spat when he let go of her. "Perv!"

"I love you, Claire! I will carry your love into the stars and never forget you. When you waste your time loving a rejected prototype..." Leon rolled his eyes, "Remember that I am the one who died to save you. And I have this fabulous hair that you adore."

Chris nodded, "...it is nice hair."

Leon sighed, "It looks vaguely familiar."

Chris returned, "Mine does too. I can't figure out why."

And Steve Burnside gasped out a final breath and died. Claire patted his head and rose and the door opened behind her.

Out walked Albert Wesker and Leon snapped his fingers, "THAT'S why...you have the same hair as that guy."

Chris pointed and shouted, dramatically, "WESKER! I will enjoy kiling you!"

Wesker shrugged and remarked, "I wont die here, Redfield. We'll battle, badly, and you'll end up wounded and alert. I'll flee, failing to achieve the collection of Alexia Ashford, but I'll take that dead body over there and harvest it anyway. We'll meet again in a few years after I turn you into my butt puppet and play you like an accordion while you dance to my tune."

Claire nodded, "Sounds about right."

Leon shrugged, "We can try to kill him anyway."

And Chris fired the grenade launcher. It raced toward Wesker and was knocked clear when an enormous tentacle erupted from the wall beside him. The shot hit the roof and exploded, the facility shook madly, and Wesker shouted, "ALEXIA! YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL! Will you be mine!?"

The voice echoed around them, "No...you are not my brother! I only wish to copulate with my own blood! But come find me and let's play!"

And Claire muttered, "What is with these people and incest?"

Wesker raced through the opening as the tentacle retreated and Chris shouted, "WAITTT! DON'T GOOOO!"

Leon raised a brow and Claire shrugged, "That was dramatic right?"

"Seriously, who handles the script in this retarded tale?"

"It's not the script," Said Claire, "It's the acting."

"I think it's both."

To which Chris shouted, drawing it out long and dramatically, "WESSSSKERRRRRR!"

Claire arched her brows and mused, "Why not just run after him?"

Leon shrugged, "Inevitable story telling arch that would end too soon?"

"I guess." Claire tugged him close to kiss him again, "Goddamn I missed you."

They had a strong moment of connection before she drug him close to feel him up. Her hands were all in his shirt and on his ass.

Chris was still bellowing after Wesker.

Steve was dead on the floor.

It was a good time for a make out session. He grabbed her ass to rub her all over him. She grunted and tried to get into his pants to get a handful of his dick.

And someone cleared their throat.

They couldn't be entirely sure, but it sounded like it came from somewhere above them. They seperated, flushed and shivering. Leon murmured, "Let's get out of here and I'll show you how to wheel barrow."

Excited Claire grabbed his ass again and had him kissing her until Chris shouted, "HURRY! HE'S GETTING AWAY!"

And yet he paused to glance at himself in the shiny metal of the wall beside them before he flexed his muscles. Claire and Leon stopped sucking face to find him winking at himself and Leon mused, "Dude...go."

Chris coughed and remarked, "Right. ONWARD!"

Chris chased Wesker. Claire chased Chris. Leon chased Claire.

Steve was left to rot until Wesker stole his body for nefarious experimentation.