The Kiss

•~Barry~•

My name is Barry Allen and...I can't get that kiss out of my head.

Kadence Johnson is probably the best and most complicated thing to ever happen to me in a long time. Which is odd because I know that Iris is the girl that I've always wanted.

And do I still want the same things? I don't know now...

Ugh, why did I do that? Why did I kiss Kadence? Why do I feel this way for someone other than my best friend?

But isn't that what Kadence is? A friend, nothing more. I'd risk my life to save her but then, that's how I usually am with people. I help them. I want to make them happy. I've wanted to do that since as long as I could remember.

Is Kadence really the girl that I can make happy? Was it her all along? We've been around each other since we were 12.

I don't like this, I hate feeling this way because I know, deep down, I can't bring myself to tell anyone how I really feel. I would hope being around them was enough for them to see. But Iris, ok, maybe I messed up there.

I'd told Kadence I wanted her, in a very subtle way of course. Will it change things? Was she right? Should I follow my heart? Probably. Kadence seems to always know what to say about how I'm feeling even though I sometimes don't want to hear it. What surprised me most about that train station situation was how sexual she was. I couldn't respond back or deny it because I know I would be lying to myself and to her. I find the more I know Kadence, I just can't hide how I really feel about anything. Perhaps she just makes me that way. There are so many good qualities about her.

Kadence is a wonderful person. Smart. Gets my weird, nerdy jokes. Passionate about science. Selfless. Helpful. Looks between the lines. Compassionate. A great friend. I found myself stammering near her when she looks me with those bold, gray eyes of hers. Ugh, it's practically painful to talk about this without my chest feeling tight.

Kadence is too good to be true. Maybe I just have to accept that and leave it alone.

Only one problem there...I kissed her and in the back of my mind I felt like it wasn't enough.

Did I want more? She is a great kisser. Albeit the kiss was so short, I just have a feeling she and I, had we lingered on, would have found the perfect fit.

I loved that kiss, shit, wow, ok, this is me talking as if it meant more than just something that was probably a kidding around kiss. But I reached forward and I kissed her. She returned the kiss, making me not feel alone in my feelings, I was lucky there. But because she returned the kiss more than I thought, I had to pull away. Me. I was the one who started it and also stopped it. Kady wanted to kiss me longer. And shit, I wanted to let her. Because I wanted more to that kiss. God help me. I wanted Kady to be the girl that I kept kissing for hours.

I'm getting very confused now because I thought Kady was the girl who is supposed to be my friend. Get it? Boy SPACE friend? You know, the friend zone? The safe thing I can rely on when I need it. But I do need it. I need more than just a friendship. It's amazing to me, Iris really doesn't see it, does she? No matter how many times she's said how great of a guy I am and how any girl would be lucky to have me she will never feel that way herself.

I have to come to terms with this or I'm going to go mad. I'm already confused enough being The Flash, not knowing who the hell I'm going to face next. I don't need Iris in my head telling me all the things I need to hear but when it comes down to it, will never love me like I love her.

I'm always going to be confused and pining after her and it just needs to stop. She's a friend. If I'm going to keep telling that to people when they ask what the hell we are, I have to start believing it. Because maybe, I don't know, it makes sense. It has to. Maybe I've always known deep down my feelings are never going to be recognized.

That's not how it is with Kadence. I can be myself with her and not have to worry about being teased. I know Iris and I are friends but she does chop off my balls a lot. And when she called Eddie Thawne the pretty cop without ever telling me something even close to that, it felt really tragic. I'm so affected by everything Iris says and she often treats me like a best friend she shops with. Terrible, I know.

Then I wake up from a coma and realize she's with Eddie now. It breaks my everything.

I do need to stop this infatuation. I need to tell myself that one-sided affection is valued but I need to let it go. It'll be hard but I can force myself to do this. I can, it'll just take time and patience. Iris West will not crowd my heart and throw it on the ground every single time she gives PDA around me. I've had to watch her go through all those boyfriends over the years and never once could I bring myself to tell her I am the man who won't let her down.

But she's with Eddie, not with me. Truth. Reality. Crushing effects.

I need to finally be able to tell myself I can actually live with Iris never giving me a chance. If she only knew...but then what? I've come to expect her being oblivious anyway, I don't know if it's ever going to change. I keep telling myself the same story for years thinking she'd see me different. Truth is, I really don't know what I'm missing that all those others guys have.

Love is never the way you want it to be. It either is or it isn't.

I know I can't force it either. With Kady don't have to force anything, I never needed to. It was all there. Almost, god, I know, I just know we would be happy together. I felt it in that kiss. I felt so much in that kiss I almost wanted to see how far we could take it. Reality set in and I had to rush out of there. The elation I felt was pumping through my veins and it was like this obvious thing that was staring me in the face, begging me to take it because it's mine for the taking.

Kadence...she makes me nervous. But then, she gives me the confidence to tell her everything on my mind. I'm scared of getting hurt like Iris is unknowingly and gradually doing to me.

Iris, it'll never happen. She's my friend, I practically see her every day, I've lived in the same house with her since I was 11. It's not fair. Why can't I just tell her how I feel already?

No, Barry, shit no. You're not going to do this to yourself every freaking time Iris is on your mind. I really want to be just rid of all these feelings.

Iris will never know how I feel because I'm never going to tell her. She's with Eddie now. She's happy with her choice. Who knows what's going to happen for them? It feels like they might take it further now that Joe knows they're going together. Though something tells me Joe hasn't warmed to the idea of his partner going with his daughter. Part of me wishes Joe could personally forbid Iris from seeing Eddie mainly for the awkwardness of it all. Plus I didn't like that Iris was sneaking around not only behind Joe's back but mine too.

It's conflicting to me, Kadence wasn't supposed to happen. She was meant to be a distant acquaintance that I hadn't really given a second thought about. Now she lives in the same apartment with me. Now she's clustering in my mind and won't leave. The added coefficient in the bond.

Iris West was completely planned. I remember having daydreams of how our dates would be when were in high school. I thought I had everything figured out with Iris. I thought I knew, I thought she knew me. I thought it would work in my favor. Mostly, I thought I was enough of the guy for her.

Accidents scare me. They are the unknown. Kadence constitutes as the biggest accident that I didn't see from miles away. She's the coincident. The one thing that isn't supposed to be there but is, and it happens to be good.

I open the window to my apartment overlooking the clear night sky. Sure feels beautiful around this time. Normally I would be outside but a hero's got to sleep too.

My mind drifts over to Kadence. I wondered what she was doing right now. What is she thinking about after tonight? Did she regret it? The kiss, I mean. Did I go too far? Was it really a playing around kiss? I called it a revenge kiss.

It didn't feel that way. Her surprise melted into brief passion and I'm curious about that.

Kadence is a special girl. I wish Oliver would see that. Kadence knows Oliver more than any of us combined. She lived in Starling. She knew Oliver before he went missing. Anyone could see that she has a major thing for him. The way her whole face would brighten when she would talk about him or to him. When anyone mentioned Oliver, she'd immediately smile. She loves him, just as I love Iris. But Oliver is too focused on the heroing to notice.

It doesn't have to be this way, does it?

I sigh, looking around the sky, aimlessly searching for stars. I love everything about this night. How the nearly navy blue sky molds with the onyx darkness, somehow in a tranquil way. Was Kady looking at the sky? I wonder for a moment what her sky looked like. Was it like mine? Did it compel her to keep gazing until her eyes had grown heavy until sleep was ready to take over?

This is making me feel almost pathetic now. I should not be feeling this way for a girl who is hundreds of miles away from my world right now.

But this is troubling to me, she didn't feel so far away, not anymore. With my speed I can turn hours into minutes and minutes into seconds. She's only minutes away from me. What am I waiting for?

Maybe...I guess I'm just waiting for the day she has truly moved on from Oliver so she can be in my life.

I gulp down some pangs. This is some heavy truth I just internally confessed. This is not a game. This is my life. Kadence is the girl I can't stop thinking about. The girl who wouldn't hurt anyone. The girl who deserves above all else to be happy.

Closing my eyes I flash back to the kiss on the train, she had to have felt it too. Damn it. Now or never. Don't mess this up again Barry. Not with Kadence. Don't let it happen again.

I need to make sense of this...I take out my phone and dial a familiar number, waiting for the answer.

"Hello?"

"Oliver, it's Barry. Look, umm, I left something I need with Kadence, do you have where she's staying?"

•~Kadence~•

My name is Kadence Johnson and...oh god, I'll just spit it out!

Barry Allen kissed me.

I didn't think it would ever happen. We were so close at home, I didn't know he and I would...go there.

And here's my problem: I don't know what it means. Were we saying good-bye to that possibility? Did he initiate it because he had feelings for me and returned them? Here's my other problem: I actually liked it, much more than I ever would think. And here's the other problem: what about Oliver Queen? You know, the other guy I am hopelessly pining for. The question on that unfortunately remains: was or is? Who was I kidding with that right? Oliver is a complicated man, he and I couldn't come to a place where we were right for each other. Lord knows I've been there and done that too many times I am damn near tired to the point where I've finally realized I deserve better. And I've cried so many times over this I've lost count. It's over between us, just over. I can't go back there.

Oliver can't make me happy, this I know. Bitter pill, swallowing it now, thanks a lot life.

But where does that leave me with Barry? That kiss...I would be lying if I said it didn't mean anything to me. I am trying desperately not to delve so deeply into this stuff.

I can't have things be complicated with Barry. We live with each other for god's sakes. That's another reason I had to go. Even if that kiss had meant something, a small inkling of possibility, I don't know what I'm going to do with that haunting me. Knowing we both feel this way for each other and expressed it, this time physically. Barry had to have known or at least thought of what this could mean. I've loved Barry and Oliver for the longest. Since we were kids. When I'd stay with my parents in Central City, I'd hang out with Barry and Iris. When I'd visit in Starling with Grandma, I'd be with Oliver.

Or perhaps, in my case, the hero doesn't see what's really in front of him. Oliver all over again. But what's in front of him is Felicity and I could see the feelings he had for her. Written all over his body functions.

Can heroes even fall in love? But I know that's not what this is about. I am not Iris West, I am not obsessed with the hero. I want to take off the mask and go deeper. There is a man behind the glory that I see and can't help but fall for. It started where it started with Oliver. Barry, his heart is so wonderful. He's much more compassionate than Oliver can ever be, even on Ollie's good day. Barry cares a lot. Almost too much. I'm so worried about him now I can't think straight.

I'm worried that his caring about people so much will do him in. It's funny because I think he and I share the same trait. Oliver sometimes couldn't care less what I'm really feeling, he rarely asks me. Barry...it's too overt. His heart is too big for this responsibility. For this life. I shook inside. Barry cares way too much for humanity.

I guess that's why I feel this way about him. When he sat next to me and put his head in my lap, it surprised me, yet made me feel comfortable. This morning, when I pulled away I was confused and a little cold. Barry's comfort was exactly what I needed in that moment and I didn't want to let it go.

This is a new feeling and I'm not sure if I'm going to like it. I was fine with gunning for Oliver, knowing he was in love with Felicity. I was totally fine in how I was feeling when it came to unavailable guys.

But even if all that were true, Barry doesn't need this. He doesn't need a mess up like me. A girl who has supernatural powers and hallucinations about the Flash. It's not like he doesn't have someone else who's permanently attached to his life.

Iris West. My best friend. I sighed deeply, I can't be jealous of her. She did nothing wrong. It's just, she has Barry's heart and she doesn't know it. It's ruining everything. How he might give everything just to be with her. I could tell, the look he gave me in his eyes, the way he almost scoffed at the idea of being infatuated with her, it's true. I had the same expression many times over with Oliver.

And I can't compete with that.

I met the girl he is really in love with. She's my best friend. But she's everything that I'm not. Beautiful. Bubbly. Social. Has better clothes. Confident personality. Gets everything that she wants.

Practically anyway, even people. She basically has the perfect life.

Most importantly, she has Barry Allen's attention. As awesome as she is, I know this is wrong of me to say, surely the most off hand thing I've ever thought of, I don't think she's right for him. I don't feel it. Almost feels like the same thing with Oliver, it just doesn't work. Friends, ok, Oliver is good for that, but my heart? My devotion, my loyalty, the last thought I go to sleep with? I'm feeling reticent about this whole thing. My intuition about Barry and Iris being together doesn't quite connect.

Iris is completely oblivious to Barry's one-sided devotion I just want to tell him that, like me, it will never happen because you simply can't make someone fall in love with you. And also, if you need to wait for someone to fall in love with you, you might as well just move on.

I can't dislike Iris, she is very kind to me and she's a good friend to me and Barry but, apparently, she isn't good at reading the signs. The way his eyes float to her almost randomly when she has already left a room, lingering and it's so sad.

What's even sadder is me personally feeling this way. Knowing the moment I could possibly move on from guys like Oliver and then realize I found the perfect guy for me only to know he's hung up on someone else is just too much.

I think I like Barry. No wait, scratch that. I really like Barry. Scratch that. I love Barry. But it's wrong, so wrong and I need to stop this before I get hurt again.

Oliver is the first man to truly hurt me and I am going to make sure he is the last.

I can't love Barry. And I am going to try harder this time not to fall for him.