Author Note:
Thanks for all your messages and follows, and welcome new readers. I truly appreciate your support.
A few of you planted the seed for this chapter a while back. I wasn't sold on it at first, simply because I wasn't sure where it'd fit, but space naturally evolved and now here we are...some much-needed time for Callie with the Moms. Many thanks to AllyCallie for being a sounding board in the early stages of fleshing out content and to theypreferthetermpeople for her feedback and fearlessness (and patience!) in working with it.
A heads up that a slight time jump is ahead to begin to prepare IUW for a soft landing. Nearly time for new adventures. ~b
Chapter 45: Laying Groundwork
After discovering the depth of Callie and Jude's worries, it felt like an appropriate time to review the household rules to help put those anxieties to rest. No child deserved to be fearful of losing a parent's affection or having their basic needs go unmet for being disobedient, which was a normal part of growing up.
Given that most of the expectations were identical for all the children, a family meeting seemed like the best venue. That way, Callie and Jude would have the chance to feel supported by their siblings than if they were singled out. The Moms had quickly gone over what was and wasn't allowed the afternoon Bill had brought them to the house, perhaps naively believing that was sufficient since it was what they had done for the twins. In hindsight, it had been woefully inadequate. Mariana and Jesus had been much younger and had easily trusted them for having their best interests in mind. Ana had been the only person to have let them down, so broken promises and negligence had been compartmentalized to her, rather than generalized to others. In contrast, Callie and Jude had been repeatedly failed by adults so they'd learned to trust very few people. Slowly but surely, Stef and Lena had been chipping away at their fears.
A conversation later with each of them would be necessary, since personal hygiene and the specifics of Callie's probation were less appropriate for a group format. Their first meeting as a family of seven, the kids seemed to sense how special it was. Brandon and the twins volunteered the rules with little complaint, including the reasoning for them and consequences for breaking them, so Stef and Lena barely had to facilitate. The conversation had been casual and they had Callie and Jude's full participation with little encouragement. At times, it'd been downright funny. Jude enthusiastically offered safety as the primary reason for nearly every rule covered, seemingly unable to elaborate beyond that. At another point in their discussion, the kids teamed up on them to negotiate a later curfew. Finally, when they relented, promising to extend it as soon as school was out for the summer months, Jude and Jesus erupted in protest. They were each facing the possibility of repeating a class at summer school and the extension wouldn't apply to them in that case.
The Moms observed as Callie listened attentively and made a genuine effort to take it all in. By the look on her face, they could tell she was surprised when Mariana pointed out that the more they abided by their guidelines, the more freedom and privileges they would have—within reason, of course. For Callie, who already had years of independence, this would be a huge motivator. Never would they allow her to be unsupervised or come and go to the extent she wanted, but they were willing to let her do a whole lot more should she prove herself trustworthy and capable of making better decisions. They were a long way from that, however—at least a year, if not more—owing to the fear that another mistake while on probation would be costly. For now, the most that mattered was that Callie appeared accepting of the information coming from her peers, highlighted as simply being routine. It was as if, for the first time, she recognized that not only was she accountable to her parents but to her siblings.
"Honey… Come on, this isn't supposed to be hard," Stef coaxed, nerves grating as she waited for an answer. "What are our house rules that we talked about together? Just start with one."
It was after dinner and the entire family was out in the backyard, the kids blowing off steam before having to get ready for bed. Disinclined to wait too long to continue their earlier conversation, they'd kept Jude behind to privately discuss their expectations around his grades and hygiene before cutting him loose. Getting Callie to return when it was her turn had been the bigger challenge. While they'd been speaking to Jude, she and Jesus had discovered a new game which involved hanging out by the corner of the deck and a lot of intermittent screaming and back and forth from the garden. Whatever it was must have been fun because Callie wasn't very enthused about having it interrupted, despite her initial agreement to come when called. Finally, a promise of another helping of dessert on the deck changed her mind.
"What?" Callie snapped in irritation when Stef dropped her head into her hands. Her foster mom was hampering her ability to savour the dessert. Deciding to take her time, she picked up her fork and proceeded to go to town on her brownie.
"I asked you a question that I'm waiting for your response to," Stef reminded, frowning as Callie brought the entire square up to her mouth and took the largest bite she could. This was like pulling teeth. Nothing about what they were bringing up was new or meant to be intimidating. Because Callie became easily overwhelmed, they had been trying to revisit their ground rules with her. But having to contend with her digging her heels was proving to be an ordeal.
Lena waited for her daughter to wipe milk from the corner of her mouth before deciding to pick up where Stef left off. "Callie," she said with a hint of sternness in her voice, making it clear an answer was expected.
"There's too many," Callie whined. She gave Lena an apologetic look, sensing she was on thin ice with Stef. She wasn't trying to be stubborn but she didn't get why they were repeating their talk when she'd already agreed to do what they said. And there was a lot; the women were more strict than her own Mom had been. Honestly, it'd be impossible to obey all of them even if she tried. Oftentimes, stuff she didn't think was a big deal or seemed like a good solution—like signing Jude's assignments—turned out not to be, or would lead to a chain of poor decisions.
"Why don't we break them up?" Lena suggested, wondering if a different approach might make them less daunting. They were all tired today, Callie especially from fighting her cold, and she wanted her to succeed. "Think about the expectations at school, first. What are they?"
"Mm. Get to class on time…no skipping. No forgetting homework or handing stuff in late. Be respectful to teachers…don't get written up or get detention or sent to your office or anything like that."
Lena beamed with pride at her daughter. She suspected that those had probably been easy because school had remained the most consistent for Callie throughout all their moves but she was still impressed. Callie was an anomaly. It was unusual to see a child succeed in their classes when they had been constantly uprooted. "Those are the main ones, yes. You make wonderful grades, honey, so we aren't worried about that, but you can't skip—and you certainly can't attend to hand in your work or write a quiz and leave because you know you can still do well," she emphasized as Callie nodded.
"Right. It doesn't work that way," Stef interjected to back up her wife. "Do you understand why?"
"It's in my terms, I have to go."
Stef resisted the urge to roll her eyes. While Callie wasn't incorrect, she had been hoping for a demonstration of greater accountability and insight. "Okay. That's one reason and we will be getting to that in a minute. Why else?"
Callie shrugged before deciding to recite Brandon's answer from earlier. "It's disrespectful to your teachers, 'cause they're expecting you."
Stef nodded; the answer was from B, word-for-word, but she was happy to see their daughter was at least trying. "Beautiful, my love. It's a bit disrespectful to us, too, because your job is to go to school and that's where Mama and I expect you to be."
"'Kay," Callie conceded, though it annoyed her to give in. True, school had been a haven for her all these years, but she always had the option of going or not and it didn't sit well with her to have that choice taken away.
"What about at home?" Lena asked.
Finding the hangnail she'd chewed on earlier, Callie popped the side of her finger into her mouth. Lena had mentioned trimming it but had forgotten and she wasn't planning on reminding her. "Uhm, be respectful," Callie began, repeating what had earned her the most recent praise. "Come home on time—don't miss curfew…answer if you text or call," she trailed off as she found herself floundering. "Ask before going anywhere or doing anything…like if I have to use the bathroom," Callie sassed, getting angry as she remembered she didn't even have her phone. In fact, she was stuck with Stef and Lena. She'd gone and messed up so bad that she was grounded to them.
"Oh, sweetheart…" Lena said, sympathizing with Callie's frustration. Their daughter was really taking being on restriction hard.
Stef scooted all the way over on her patio chair to make room for her daughter. Callie's discouragement had not been lost on her, either. "My love…come here. I know. This is overwhelming, isn't it?" she soothed as she helped the girl squeeze in. Regretting her irritability earlier, she wrapped her arms around Callie. Her daughter wasn't being difficult on purpose. "It was a good start, though. Let's try what Mama suggested and group them together." Trying to make the instruction more tangible, she wracked her brain for an example. "Curfew and answering us when we're making an effort to contact you have to do with us knowing where you are so we can find you in an emergency. That's why we need you to be where you say you'll be. Right now, you have a couple more in this category as Mama explained, but it won't be like that forever," she encouraged.
As she listened to her foster mom, Callie leaned in her and brought her knees up to fit better in the small space between Stef and the metal arm of the chair. She was starting to feel a bit better already.
"What about some of the ones that have to do with how we treat each other in our family?" Lena asked, hopeful that cuing would make this process less overwhelming.
"Treat and talk to others how you want to be," Callie said quietly. "Respectfully."
"Wonderful. And what might that look like?"
"Not swearing…don't get physical with anyone. Not talking back."
Stef nodded. "Right. It means watching how your words and actions affect others. That includes attitude as well. Just because someone isn't using swear words or talking back doesn't mean their tone and body language is respectful," she added, narrowing her gaze at the girl. Callie definitely had a penchant for mouthing off.
"All five of you also have to look out for one another," Lena added. "That's different from looking after one another. There's only two of us and five of you; we expect all of you to be our eyes and ears so we can do our job as parents." She laughed softly when Callie gave her a blank stare.
"You mean like tattle on each other?" her daughter replied, incredulous at the thought.
"No, baby. We don't want you to tattle on your siblings. But if someone is having difficulty and Mama and I need to know about it so we can help them, then you tell us," Stef explained.
"What else? There were some about how we take care of ourselves," Lena prompted, not interested in getting sucked into a debate on what constituted tattling or not.
Callie nodded. "Lights out is at nine."
"And what does that mean?"
"The, uhm, lights have to be out," the girl stammered. What else would that mean?
Lena smiled. "You don't have to sleep but it does have to be dark in the room and you do not leave your room unless it's to use the bathroom. Quiet activities if you aren't tired is okay. What else? What about our expectations around breakfast and dinner?" she asked, continuing to quiz her daughter.
"Come down for breakfast on time and be home for dinner and eat together unless you're sick."
"Atta girl," Stef praised, thrilled that their daughter did listen. "What if someone's not hungry?"
"We have to be there anyway because it's important to have time all together," Callie recited. "That's better than having to go to school super early to stand in line for the charity breakfast," she piped up. The bread at home tasted better.
"Callie! That was a rude thing to say" Lena scolded, cringing at her word choices. Taking a deep breath at the blank look Callie gave her, she decided to let it go; now was not an appropriate time for a discussion on the role of school breakfast programs in equalizing learning opportunities and how it was not charity. "Eating on time with the rest of the family. It doesn't mean there aren't exceptions; Brandon goes to Mike's sometimes, or someone could be at a friend's house, as long as they ask first. Also, part of taking care of ourselves means Mom and I encourage all of you make healthy choices. So at home, we eat balanced meals. We can't control what you eat when you're out, but you are not to smoke or drink alcohol. That's final."
"Yeah, Mama."
"You have a rule with us about showering and taking care of your body. Do you remember?" Lena cued.
"I have to let you guys help, until you decide not to anymore, even though it's weird," Callie grumbled. Not only was it embarrassing, but it wasn't fair that that one only applied to her and Jude.
"Honey, it's not weird to need help," Lena soothed. They had never intended to shame her.
"It is! Plus I don't even need help. I shower every day and brush my teeth like you say!" Callie's voice climbed in frustration as she spoke. "I've always done it myself and you only made it a problem when I came here."
"Hey. Hey, hey, hey," Stef said, not appreciating the tone. They'd already had countless arguments about Callie's dissatisfaction over not being able to do what she was used to doing before, and she knew better than to fall down that hole again by acknowledging it. She did understand that it was difficult for Callie to have them in and around the shower, however, and sympathized with her. "You're doing a wonderful job at getting into the shower and brushing these days, Cal, but it's so important that all the steps are completed." Even that concession was a generous one because often Callie did not independently engage in her self-care without repeated reminders. They wanted her to do those things without them having to say so.
"It's my body!" Callie argued obstinately.
"It's your body, yes," Stef validated. "And you only have one so that's why it's so important to take care of it. Until Mama and I are confident that you can manage things on your own, this is part of learning to take care of yourself. You're already doing a much better job," she pointed out, recalling the early days of standing outside the door at each shower to call out each step. Now, they only had to assist once every few days, even though they were more hands on. In many respects, Callie actually had more independence than when she had first moved in.
"Yes, but—" Callie began, desperate to make a point that would get them to loosen up a little. She was impatient to prove to her foster moms that she could do it on her own but didn't really understand their insistence in the first place.
Stef held up a hand. "No buts, Callie. Show us by not stalling when it's time to shower and get ready in the morning and at night, and doing what you need to do to take care of your body from head to toe, and we will reevaluate." It was the best they could do at this point. The more their daughter demonstrated independence and thoroughness, the less they would intervene.
"Yeah, but—Mom! I really want to say something! You can't just say no buts like that," Callie huffed, annoyed by the non committal answer. Every time Stef and Lena said they would reevaluate, it meant it wouldn't happen for a while.
"Okay. What is it that you have to say?" Lena said after taking a deep breath.
"Why does it matter if there's some dirt leftover? It's my body and no one else sees it, and I don't mind," Callie said. Even though she hated this, she was trying hard not to lose it for fear this conversation would be over.
The women exchanged a tired glance between them, with Lena deciding she'd better take the helm on this. "You're not wrong, honey, but it's more than cleanliness. Washing yourself completely is part of keeping yourself healthy. Dirt and sweat that gets trapped in your pores can lead to skin problems. Fungus underneath nails can cause an infection," she reasoned calmly. "And yes, no one else sees your body but you, but trust me sweetheart you're not going to always think that way. As much as Mom and I hope that's years away—"
"—Many, many years," Stef interjected. She did not like the idea of any of her children having sex.
Lena cleared her throat before continuing. "As much as Mom and I hope that it will be many years before you become interested in sharing your body with others, it's better to keep good habits now than worrying about them later."
"If guys don't like me for who I am then it's their loss," Callie replied stubbornly. She wasn't gonna change herself for nobody.
"I hope you'll always remember that when times do come up when you find yourself under pressure to change who you are for someone," Lena agreed. "That being said, there is a world of difference between that and attending to your hygiene. That should be done for you and your own confidence, and not for anyone else. Does that make sense?" she asked, wondering if she might have to repeat herself.
Callie groaned, rolling her eyes. "Okayyy. If you're so obsessed about who I'm gonna sleep with many many years from now that's fine," she said with a smirk, pleased with herself for coming up with a comment that would get under Stef's skin.
The cop's mouth dropped open; this kid's lip was astounding. "That—is—not—funny," she said once she recovered from her shock. She accentuated each word with a pinch to the back of Callie's neck, causing her to squeal with laughter.
"Okay! I'll stop! I'll stop!" Callie relented through giggles.
"Okay is more like it. Tell us that more often rather than arguing," the cop said, though her tone was more jovial than reproving. She was relieved that the tension had been all but dissipated by the humour and ignored the eye roll from Lena. As a teacher, her wife simply didn't feel comfortable telling their children to behave simply for the sake of behaving.
Luckily, that wasn't the way Stef had been brought up. "Talk to me about the consequences for disobeying?"
"Uhm. Losing everything!" Callie said dramatically, still bummed about earlier. She stopped whining when Stef gave her an unimpressed look, telling her she wasn't playing around and expected more.
"Not being allowed privileges, like TV…losing stuff, but not like food or clothes or your help. Getting grounded or having to write lines or an essay for you or Mama," she offered.
"Good girl," Stef praised. Her daughter's listening skills were not as terrible tonight as she'd thought they would be with her being sick. "We may also ask you to rectify the situation by apologizing for what you did and making amends in other ways, like with extra chores," she added, though chores always left Callie unfazed so it was more of an empty threat.
Callie sighed. She'd gotten all of that and more.
"Now. Spanking. It's not something we want to do, but if we find ourselves in a situation where you are compelled to put yourself at risk after we've warned you…then that is something Mama and I will have to think about," Stef warned, choosing her words carefully. It was far from ideal to gloss over the behaviours for which this type of consequence would be considered, but the reality was that the decision would be made on a case-by-case basis, making it tricky to give concrete examples. It would depend on what else had been tried, the greater backdrop of what else was going on with her behaviour, and whether they felt she would have the ability to reflect and develop insight on the behaviour—enough so that she wouldn't repeat it.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Lena swallow; her wife was not completely happy with this but after many lengthy discussions between them, she had relented to the option of physical discipline as a last resort.
"We've talked about this before, lovebug," Stef reminded as Callie began to protest. "It is our job to protect you, and if that's what's needed to ensure your safety and well-being then that is what will happen. I have told you before that being a parent means that sometimes, we have to make decisions that you won't like on account of what we believe is best for you. Please try to understand that sometimes these decisions are going to come before your happiness and that you won't see it from our perspective. You're allowed to feel that way."
Stef paused as she felt her breath catch. Not having realized that she'd been getting increasingly emotional as she spoke, the physical manifestation of her distress caught her off guard. The fact that they were even considering resorting to this didn't make her proud. In fact, it made her feel like a failure in the parenting department. But her gut told her it would only be a matter of time before she would once again be utterly beside herself with worry, astonishment, and grief over her daughter's behaviour. They weren't able to watch her all the time, and this was Callie—not a troublemaker in the least, but a child with a good heart and an impulsive nature. If this strategy was one in their parenting arsenal that could increase Callie's chances of staying out of trouble, she would choose it without hesitation. She would choose feeling like a failure if it meant keeping her daughter out of legal trouble and in their home.
"I'm sorry, honey. That's just the way the cards land. We have to be your parents first and do what's best for you. Even if you might not see it that way," she explained as she stroked Callie's hair, as if seeking forgiveness for what she was having to tell her. "We care so much for you, Cal.
"Does this seem fair to you?" she eventually asked. They didn't need Callie to like their decision, but she was desperate for their daughter to understand where they were coming from.
Comforted by the closeness with her foster mom, Callie leaned in closer so her ear was pressed into Stef's side. She shook her head no. "No," she replied, hearing her faraway words echo back to her. "But whatever, it's not that big a deal." To be honest, she'd expected this, anyways.
"Callie…," Lena sighed, surprised at the acceptance. She had anticipated this talk about consequences would have edged her daughter dangerously close towards becoming unwound. She swallowed, knowing her participation was required to show that, as parents, they were in solidarity. It was what she'd agreed to. "Hitting is always big deal. It's a huge deal, actually. That is why Mom and I will be giving you lots of chances to turn things around before it ever gets to that point. We don't want to see it get to that point."
It wasn't ideal, but much of her initial opposition towards Stef's position on discipline had been mitigated by learning Callie had simply interpreted Stef's intentions as being similar to Colleen's—implying that she processed what had happened as distinct from previous abuse. There was also her increasing attachment to the both of them, which made it easier for her to separate them and their actions from those of past foster parents.
At hearing Lena speak up, Callie let her gaze flit between her new moms before she turned into Stef's side. She knew in that moment, based on what Lena was saying, that they agreed. That was new.
Dissuading their daughter from hiding when they were trying to talk to her, Stef gently caught her chin. "You're aware of the rules so you have a lot of control about the outcome, yes?" she asked once she had eye contact. The girl nodded reluctantly. "So is it fair?" This was so important in being able to gauge Callie's comprehension. If there was any doubt of a lack of understanding, she would abort this whole idea.
"It's fair, okay?" Callie grumbled, surprising both women by acquiescing. She wasn't thrilled; the day Stef had caught her going into her safe was not an experience she was keen on having repeated, even though she owned the fact that she had made a poor decision. But Stef was right; they had told her exactly what they wanted.
The cop nodded appreciatively at Lena, grateful for her support. Wrapping her arm around Callie, she rubbed her arm to reassure her. "Remember, if it were to happen, it's going to be because we need to remind you that you went too far—so whatever it is won't be repeated. Not because you were bad, or because we want you to pay, or take our anger out on you. Not because we don't love you. Got it?"
"Kay, Mom." Tired of talking, she turned her face into her foster mom's side, taking solace in the peck Stef placed on the top of her head.
"There's one more thing we have to talk about Callie and that's your probation. I know you don't like having it brought up, but we have to. Sit up and look at me, baby, so I can tell you are listening." She shifted in the chair and waited for Callie to do the same. "You're a smart girl so I think you already know what we're going to say…but please, please, please be mindful to abide by your conditions."
Because Callie was already part of the juvenile justice system which was designed to be punitive rather than to parent, a single breach of her terms could result in her being taken back into custody. Away from them and their home where they required her to be to ensure her well being. After all these months wishing Callie would accept them as her family, they couldn't fathom the thought of losing her. Now that she had bonded with them, that idea was much harder to stomach. Callie still had over six months before her probation would finally be lifted, and that seemed like an insurmountable challenge.
Callie shrugged. "I do try, Mom," she said quietly.
"I know you do try, Cal. It's so important that you keep trying."
She knew it was easy for Callie to forget that the stakes were higher for her. Being a kid was more complicated for her because she could face stiffer consequences for misbehaviour that would normally be dealt with at home or school, and she didn't like being reminded of that fact. "It's not fair. It's not fair that you have to be careful and that you have less freedom to do some of what you probably see as being normal for your peers. But it's only temporary, and that's why we have these rules in place for you," she explained. "Follow them and we won't have an issue." The way they had it set up, all Callie had to do was to stick to their guidelines to meet her conditions.
"Say yes, Callie. That you understand what I'm saying and that I'm telling you this because you need to be home and nowhere else."
"I understand, but it still sucks," Callie complained.
The cop sighed. "It does. But it can suck without it having any bearing on your ability to follow them," she reiterated. It was so important that Callie take things seriously. "As long as you do, we won't have a problem," she said with finality.
Lena was more curious. "What sucks, honey?" she pressed, not sure which part of this discussion their child wasn't amenable to.
Feeling hot tears prick her eyes, Callie took a deep breath. She didn't want to cry but couldn't help it. "There's too many. I'm not going to remember it all, and then you are going to punish me for it and I'll get taken away!" Callie said, all at once frustrated and dejected. Although it was easier knowing exactly what was expected of her and that she'd be loved and cared for even if she were to fall short, it was a lot to keep track of.
"Oh, Cal, no. No, sweetness." Not sure how to respond, Stef gave her wife a pleading look. If she didn't know Callie better she would've chalked all of this up to being dramatic, but she knew better. Callie must've been so overwhelmed to have come to the conclusion she had. Although, it was promising that she had considered the consequences for once. "Your probation might get extended if you breach your conditions, but you would never be taken away solely for disobeying us. What I meant was that our house rules cover them already."
"Like curfew," Lena pointed out, seeing the girl's confusion. "As long as you worry about ours, you don't have to keep track of the one you have as part of your conditions. Make sense?"
"Okay. But it's still too much," Callie said sadly, discouraged at the reminder of needing to be home by a certain time.
Lena paused, considering what could be done to shape this discussion into something that was less about Callie's legal predicament and more about normalizing her experiences relative to the other children. "How about if we write everything out on the chalkboard in the kitchen where all of us, including Mom and I, can see it?" Perhaps they could make it into a family activity, where all of them pledged their agreement by signing the bottom or tracing their own hand.
"We're gonna have to get a second chalkboard," the girl complained, glowering at her mother.
"That is not true!" Lena defended. It would only be a handful, she thought, mentally counting the ones that would be displayed. Beginning to get exasperated, Lena searched for the right words to explain to her thirteen-year-old that security came with having clear limits. "Everyone needs boundaries, honey," she began, scooting up to sit at the edge of her chair. Placing her elbows on her knees, she leaned in so she could talk to Callie, who had returned to her slumped position beside Stef. "This might all seem like a lot now, but our expectations for you are not unreasonable—in fact…they're exactly the same as what they are for Jude, Jesus and Mariana, and B," she pointed out while she had her daughter's undivided attention. "I promise it will be a lot less overwhelming once you get used to them."
"I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you and Jude to have to adjust each time you moved from one place to the next. And now you're having to do it all over again and that's hard isn't it?" She turned the girl's chin up slightly when Callie nodded agreement. "Yeah. It is," she validated. "But you did. You've done it before—and you have it in you to do it one last time, because you don't have to worry about moving on from here."
"But...how come I can't just live here and…"
Stef cocked an eyebrow, somehow anticipating what Callie was going to ask before the words left her mouth.
"...and you guys let me do what I want?"
Trying not to let Callie to see her amusement at the childish question, Stef rested her cheek against her daughter's head before looking to Lena, who was also trying not to laugh. Times like this she wished Colleen was around so she could find out how stubborn and temperamental Callie had been as a young child. "Remember, this is as much your home as it is ours, Cal. We're not letting you live here—it's already yours to call your own. You'll be living here regardless. But as much as you're used to it, Mama and I cannot let you run around free to do as you please. We just can't honey. Please try to understand. We wouldn't be good parents if we allowed that." Short of calling previous caregivers neglectful, this was the best she could come up with.
Part of their daughter's reluctance to blindly obey was understandable. She wasn't used to clear, predictable expectations or adults she could rely on. "Sweetheart? Does it upset you more that we are telling you what to do? Or because you're not used to having anyone tell you what to do before—and you think that's the way it should be?" Lena asked carefully. She had thought the tides might change after Callie got a chance to contemplate, following her initial agreeableness during their family meeting.
"Both, I guess?" the girl said after a little while. She understood Stef and Lena were coming from a place of caring, but their overprotectiveness frustrated her all the same. It felt controlling, especially when she could look after herself and didn't need parenting. "I dunno, but it wasn't like this."
"What was it like, then?" the cop challenged. She suspected what Callie was getting at but had no plans to intervene to encourage Callie to articulate her frustrations. That was the only way learning would take place.
The girl frowned as she tried to come up with an answer. Foster care was simply a network of houses she and Jude could crash at and get food from. Sometimes. Rules had been different. They only had to learn what not to do to keep the adults around them from blowing up, which was to mostly stay out of their way. Otherwise, they enjoyed their freedom. "We had rules, not so many though…"
Stef sighed and shook her head. "Can I tell you what I think?" she asked, cradling her daughter in the crook of her arm as she waited for permission to venture on. "I bet you and Jude had rules. But neither of you knew it because you were both so focused on following them to keep bad things from happening to you—rather than being accountable to other people for your own best interests." She wasn't trying to be harsh but was trying to have Callie understand.
"Yeah. That," Callie agreed. She hadn't thought of it before but her foster mom's explanation had made sense. It was crazy how well Stef knew her. She knew things she didn't even know about herself.
"Now it feels like you're having to do a lot for us, and it's not completely clear why," Stef pointed out. "Is that what's going on?" A dysfunctional pattern, but oh so predictable.
She saw it whenever it was her turn at the precinct to deliver the life skills workshop for youth. "You haven't done anything for me, why should I do anything for you?" was a common retort if she dared to ask for participation. It used to get her back up—she was the one spending the night before reviewing the materials, and she was the one standing up there doing her job. For them! But like Callie, they couldn't see she was trying to help them. It didn't speak to their experiences of how the world worked for them.
Unsure if her foster moms were upset with her, Callie's gaze flitted cautiously between them. "Yeah. I didn't have to worry bout doing so much for other people." Life had been more chaotic then, but in many ways simpler too.
Lena nodded in understanding. Compared to Jude, Callie—by virtue of being older—saw limits as an inconvenience, an undertaking for adults instead of healthy constraints that were in place for her own good. "I'm sure it's not easy learning to be accountable to people other than yourself when it's not what you've been used to for so long," she empathized. It would take time to erase this sort of thinking but in the meantime, she and Stef were determined to get her through the motions in order to familiarize Callie with this new narrative. One that was more appropriate for her age.
Her wife, however, was more blunt.
"Was that really a good thing, love? To be running around with no rules or expectations?" Stef asked. Deep down, she believed Callie knew the answer even though she didn't like it. That the reason they'd been allowed to do whatever they wanted was out of convenience for the people they'd been placed with, and because they hadn't been cared for adequately. "It may have been easy but that also meant they weren't doing much for you, either," she said as gently as she could.
Callie's lip quivered as she considered what Stef was saying. She was right, of course; they hadn't cared about her like Stef and Lena did.
"So…it's kinda like that, sweetheart," Stef continued. "You got what you wanted, but it meant you didn't get a lot of what you needed, either. Things you probably didn't even know about."
"But what if I disappoint you?" Callie asked tentatively, pulling herself away from the woman to level her with a serious look. It was months before they'd get adopted. Her eyes began to well at the thought that her foster moms would get fed up that she couldn't meet their expectations and changed their minds. "What if I mess up?"
"I hate to break it to you, Bug, but you will make mistakes and disappoint Mama and I with some of your choices." Chuckling at how taken aback the girl looked, she continued. "Growth and learning don't happen without the mess. You can't be afraid of that...of trying."
As she listened, Lena realized that one of the reasons why Callie fought so hard against them was likely because she lacked confidence in her ability to stay within their limits. She feared what it'd mean for her if she failed. "If you make a mistake, then we would talk about it. You would get a consequence to help remind you next time, and we would move on. Same as what's been happening and not a big deal though it might seem that way."
Sniffing, the girl snuggled up closer to Stef. She let the woman stroke her hair, taking solace in the methodical contact, and her worries subsided as she listened to Lena's words.
"You've got to let go of this worry of yours that if you can't meet our expectations that we would get rid of you. "Because we would never do that," Lena said with a finality she knew would calm Callie right down. This was the monster lurking in the shadows.
Callie gave her a sad smile. She did believe them. It was just difficult to not pay attention to the intrusive thoughts.
"Honey, the rules and consequences are in place for your own happiness and safety. It's natural that you're not thrilled about them. I don't think your siblings like them, either. But like we've explained, everyone has boundaries."
"You might be afraid of some of the consequences," Stef acknowledged. "But if you start worrying about whether you can stay in this family...or if you find yourself afraid of Mama and I, you tell us. No one deserves to feel that way." She was serious. They planned on reevaluating the consequences they had in mind on a regular basis to avoid disrupting Callie's sense of safety and security in their home again.
"There is nothing—nothing, Callie—that you could do that would make Mama and I not want you. You aren't disposable, love. You're worthy of being loved," she said. She rubbed Callie's arms to emphasize her point, surprised to find goosebumps. "Don't you ever forget that."
Callie looked up at her, eyes big with worry. "But I do forget sometimes. Like when you're mad at me," she said, making a rare concession of her vulnerability. Those thoughts always came back. "Remember when we first got here and you guys took me and Jude to the beach with everyone and we hadn't been there in a really long time so it was new again?"
Stef smiled at the excitability behind the sentence. Her daughter had spoken so quickly she was out of breath. "I do. It was one of our first outings as a family."
"Well it's kinda like that time."
"Hm? How do you mean?" Stef said neutrally, as she tried to keep up with what Callie was getting at.
"You put so much effort into trying to get your feet into the sand but your footprints get smoothed over pretty quick." All it took was a bit of a breeze, or someone walking close by, and all evidence of them having been there at all was erased. Her expression was sad as she grappled to find the right words. "Like, it's easier to forget than to remember." Even though they had talked about the topic together many times, it was easy to lose track of the specifics.
Forgetting the details never failed to stoke her greatest fear. Without evidence, she couldn't help worrying that she had remembered what they had said wrong. If she had somehow misinterpreted what they told her.
She bit her lip, searching her foster mom's face for clues that what she was about to ask was acceptable. "So can you keep telling me lots?" It wasn't the same as being told by someone else.
Stef stared at her daughter, impressed. Callie was asking them for a reminder that they loved her. What used to be a rare occurrence—Callie asking them for anything—was becoming more common. "Tell you what. We will remind you every day. Until you tell us to stop."
"Every day?"
"Yup. Is that okay?"
"Yeah."
Lena sighed contentedly as Stef's hands settled into the rhythm of an impromptu massage, easing the tension in her shoulders. They were still outside, enjoying their moment of relative peace as the kids played in the yard. Mariana, Brandon, and Jude were taking turns with the big jump rope while Callie and Jesus continued to loiter by the deck. For a while, they'd been amongst the beds, filling a jar with what appeared to be loose soil and leaves, but now they were back by the house, this time armed with a large twig. Whatever it was they were up to, Stef was convinced it wasn't good. She'd almost gone over there but Lena had told her to sit and relax. It wasn't easy to find time for each other and when they did, it was precious, even if it was amidst the chaos their children were cooking up.
"She could've gone to school, couldn't she?" Stef questioned, smiling as she caught glimpse of her wife's guilty expression.
"Maybe. But she technically still has a fever," Lena defended, leaning into those strong arms she loved so much. The way the fever kept reappearing whenever the next Tylenol dose approached was worrisome, but Callie was in a much better mood. She was also eating and drinking well so Lena was hopeful that with more rest, whatever it was would soon clear up. "And we had such a great day together."
"I'm just giving you a hard time," Stef admitted. "I think our Bug probably needed to be home." She had been a little wistful when they decided Lena wouldn't be going into work; being the higher income earner, her wife usually went in, leaving her to dig into her sick bank to care for whichever child was staying home. In the end, it'd been the right call. She'd gotten to bond with Jude. And all day, Callie had shared her worries with Lena, giving them greater insight as to what was going on and the opportunity to address her fears head on.
Hand cramping, Stef rested her head on Lena's shoulder and curled up against her. "Do you think she heard us?"
Lena bit her lip as she reflected upon their conversation with Callie. There had been a bit of sullenness towards the end that she thought probably owed to their daughter being sick. Although, Callie had surprised them by listening and not becoming argumentative, even when she didn't like what they had to say. "I think Miss Callie heard us just fine. I'm not sure she was happy about everything we told her, though."
"But are we doing right by her?"
Lena sighed, knowing her wife was referring to their decision to spank should they deem it necessary. Given her conflicted feelings on the topic, she had no idea how to balance her biases with Stef's need for reassurance and sensitivity. If it weren't for Stef, this wouldn't even be on the table. "We are going to drive ourselves crazy if we ruminate on trying to answer that question, babe. We have no idea if we're doing right by any of our children. And we won't for a long time. Maybe never."
It was the truth. They didn't know and could only do their best with what they knew now. After several agonizing arguments over whether corporal punishment should be used, the conversation had shifted towards the circumstances in which it might be warranted, and they reached an agreement they both felt they could live with. But that was the key phrase: live with. It was a solution they weren't fully satisfied with; one that only existed because they couldn't find a better alternative to.
Despite her reluctance with this sort of disciplinary measure, several factors had swayed Lena's opinion. Callie's behaviour had undeniably improved after the incident with the gun safe. Without having to constantly fight with their daughter over her behaviour, there'd been more space for positive interactions that nurtured their relationship. In fact, her attachment to them was more secure than ever: she had expressed her desire to live with them and was slowly identifying their family as her own. Callie still tested their limits but on the whole had been trying to behave, and was more willing to take responsibility when mistakes were made. Though not ideal, Lena was also able to appreciate how her daughter's impulsivity both demanded and responded to consequences that were immediate and tangible.
It wasn't those everyday occurrences of misbehaviour they worried about. They had a good repertoire of strategies for forging notes, breaking items, and skipping the odd class that Callie responded to: the loss of privileges, lines, forced participation in rectifying a situation. Time in. It was those game changers—those situations Callie would get herself into for which the actual legal consequences would damage her sense of worth and long term development—that they worried about. And with nearly eight months of probation left, she had come to share Stef's sense of urgency to find a solution that would see Callie to the end without issue. Neither were confident that their daughter would be able to steer clear of serious trouble, and they feared that she would be removed from their care if they couldn't keep her on the right path. Even adoption wouldn't be able to stop that from happening. If physical admonishment would be enough to dissuade her and mean the potential of less trauma in the long run, so be it. In that regard, she agreed with Stef that they were weighing the risks of one consequence against another to try to protect Callie. They wanted her to be a part of their family as much as she wanted them to be a part of her's.
Stef had been grateful for Lena's support. With the way the conversation between them had been left off, she was certain that if it was a consequence they would one day decide to follow through with, it would be a rare occurrence. Although Callie's insight was often limited, they believed that she was at the point where she truly was motivated to behave—if only to avoid consequences. Plus, both of them were uncomfortable enough by the idea that they'd agreed it would only be used sparingly and as a last resort. They had also decided this would not be a consideration past the age of thirteen; by then, they hoped Callie would have developed intrinsic motivation to behave. Something Lena had requested was a consult with Dr. Wiseman once the adoption was formalized so they could disclose what had happened without the repercussion of having Callie taken away since it would no longer be illegal. This would allow them to get parenting advice from a professional, and give Callie the opportunity to debrief if that was what she chose. Of course, it would be reported to the Department of Social Services and their foster license would be permanently suspended, but neither of them could fathom having any more than five children. Their home and hearts were bursting at the seams with the addition of Callie and Jude, and their family felt complete.
The cop dropped her arms and curled against Lena's back in defeat. "She can be so headstrong," she muttered, unable to understand how such an endearing child with a heart full with love and concern for others could also engender such anger and astonishment within her.
Lena threw her head back and laughed. "Stubborn like you."
"What? Am not!" Stef defended, a tad too quickly. She rubbed her temple and sighed; her wife was right. "Seriously, though. What was it that she asked us?"
"Ohhh goodness…" Lena breathed, remembering the exact moment Stef was referring to. "Oh, what was it?" It was on the tip of her tongue.
"I believe it was somewhere along the lines of, 'Why can't you let me do what I want?' the cop managed to squeak out before she and Lena both dissolved into bellyaching laughter that brought tears down their faces. After a few minutes, when she thought she'd calmed down enough to take a breath, she nearly doubled over in pain. "Ouch—stitch—ow!" she cried, putting pressure on her diaphragm.
"Shhh!" Lena scolded, dabbing at her eyes. She felt bad for laughing at Callie. "Poor thing," she said sympathetically. The girl's confusion had been honest. "She meant it, too."
"I know she did," Stef agreed.
Suddenly, the tears that flowed were from a place of sadness. Because Callie's lack of understanding was truly the most challenging part in all of this. While it was counterproductive to obsess over the past, she couldn't help her regret that had other caregivers done their job, they wouldn't be in an uphill battle now; Callie would see their parenting as continuity, rather than a clawback of her autonomy. Worst of all, they couldn't even fault her for thinking this way because according to her experience, this was true.
"Lena…it is damn hard…it's damn hard not to resent the people who didn't do their job," she said, her voice falling to a whisper. Home after home had failed them and had harmed the kids in more ways than neglecting their health. They had stunted their socioemotional development and robbed them of a childhood. This was what they were now working with, and while she'd never uttered her fears out loud, she feared that Callie and Jude were light-years behind and might never catch up. Drained, she crashed into her wife, allowing herself to surrender to the emotional tide.
Lena remained silent, holding her wife as she sobbed. It wasn't often that Stef cried, and that she was over Callie and Jude was a testament to how much they had wormed their way into her heart. "Shh…there's no point in going back. We have to look ahead for their sake," she eventually said, cradling her wife's face between her palms so she could wipe away her tears. What Stef had said resonated with her, but her role was to offer hope to hold onto.
"She's going to be okay right?" Stef asked brokenly, afraid of what Lena would say. If no, her worst fear would come true; if yes, her skeptical nature would always doubt its validity.
Lena's reply came without hesitation. "She is, honey. Callie is going to be just fine."
In the temporary relief those words brought, Stef broke down.
No one had ever reassured her.
Like Callie, she hadn't known to ask. She hadn't known what she needed.
Noticing their daughter make a beeline back towards the sitting area, Stef quickly dried her eyes and placed her head against her arm. Today was not a day she was prepared for her children to see her vulnerable.
Understanding this as her wife looked away, Lena smiled warmly at Callie. "Almost ready to head in for bed?" she asked as Callie leaned on the back of an empty patio chair."Yes?" she said, getting the sense the girl had something on her mind. "Did you have a question for us?"
"Uhm...Mama? Can Jesus and me have a little longer? We're not done yet." She shuffled nervously in place, not sure if the answer would be yes.
Lena sighed. Inevitably, one of the five would always ask for more time, and she and Stef almost always allowed it even if it was a school night. Fresh air did them good and Callie and Jude slept better after being outside. "Jesus and I," she corrected before glancing at her phone. "Alright. Fifteen more minutes. Is that enough time?" she asked, happy to give the impression that it was more of a negotiation than it actually was.
She tried not to laugh as Stef stared at her, incredulous, from across the table where Callie could not see her. It was rare for Callie to come forward with a request, and definitely not permission to stay out later in the yard.
The girl nodded and was about to run off when Stef grabbed her by the arm lightly to stop her. With her head crooked down, all she'd been able to see was Callie's feet. "Where are your sandals, baby?" she asked, mortified that her daughter had shed her shoes at some point without either of them noticing.
Callie looked around. She had no idea.
"Callie," Stef sighed as she turned her by the arm and saw dirt smudges on the back of her heels and up her calves. The end of her toes were blackened and her feet were covered with a fine layer of dust. Evidently the shoes had been off for quite a while. "Your feet are filthy. You were just all clean from your shower!" Lena had faced an uphill battle with washing Callie's feet earlier and she sympathized with her for the results not even lasting a day.
Catching sight of her daughter's dirty fingernails for the first time, Lena's eyes widened. "Have you two been digging in my yard?" She had painstakingly planted new bulbs a few weeks ago and the thought of the kids tramping over them after all that work disappointed her to no end. Like her efforts to get Callie clean, she feared she would have little to show for her time gardening.
"Oh, Bug. Why? Why would you do that?" Stef pleaded. She winced as the leg on the patio chair Callie was leaning against scraped across the pavement, pushing her throbbing headache a little further into the realm of being unbearable.
"We tried not to step on anything," Callie defended. "We had to get pill bugs for our experiment."
Now Stef was really worried. "What experiment, honey? What are you two doing?" she begged, placing an arm around the girl to prevent her from going anywhere. No doubt it was wonderful that Callie had found a confidante in her sibling, but maternal instinct told her that those two would be fixing for trouble in no time.
"We're gonna see how many bugs that spider can eat before it gets full."
Stef swallowed, suspicious all of a sudden. "What spider?"
Callie giggled at the horrified look on her foster mom's face. "The one by the house, where the deck's at. It's web's a funnel and it jumps out every time we drop a bug into the web. It's huge." Her foster mom found them gross so she made sure to demonstrate its size with her hands. "Brandon said it's a wolf spider."
"So you're farming lice." A yard filled with games and her children were spending their time luring an oversized, bandy-legged foe out of its hollow.
"No. Collecting them."
"Is that what all the counting was about?" At one point, Jesús and Callie had been counting out loud and screaming—the process repeating itself multiple times.
The girl shook her head. "No we were seeing who could guess how many seconds it'd take for it to come out after the bug dropped."
"Of course. Why didn't I think of that?"
"Can I go now?" her daughter asked, clearly impatient.
"Go. But no more digging, and tell your brother," Stef instructed. "And you are washing those feet again before bed—hey, I expect a response when I'm talking to you!" she yelled after Callie as she took off without a word.
"Can you believe those two? Honestly, Lena," she said, scandalized by what they had learned.
Lena patted her wife on the arm. "Told you. She is going to be just fine. You, on the other hand, have a busy night ahead of you," she teased, smirking. Stef often joked that she was only good for killing large spiders in the home now that the kids were older. And it was true; as soon as one would appear in the house, everyone would be after her to kill it.
"Say that again?"
"She and Jesus left the back door open."