Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

Chapter 4

Problems

March 18th, 2187 CE

18 WEEKS POST ACTIVATION

Hannah Shepard sighed heavily ran a hand through her silver hair as she looked over the latest reports on the Charon Relay. They were almost ready to start replacing the eezo and send a test signal.

The admiral was unbelievably tired. She made a deal with herself: twenty minutes of work then she'd get some sleep. And then she'd spend some real time with her son in the morning.

A knock on the door made her head jump back up. I fell asleep?

"Come in." The door to her office opened showing a Geth in the doorway.

"Yes Randal?" Its name wasn't really 'Randal' but she like how it sounded on him.

"I'm here to inform you I received a message from the other Geth across the galaxy." He handed her a data pad and left.

She read over it and her heart dropped, the pad slipping out of her hand. The Normandy never made the rendezvous with its escape group and hasn't been heard from since. The commanders in the fleet had already started sending out scout frigates to look to check if they had veered off course with a damaged comm system but no luck as of yet. But there was some news that splattered a grin over her face and one that would likely do the same with her son. She decided to open with that.

I need to go see him. Now. She stumbled to the door. Make that first thing... in the morning. In all likely hood she'd pass out from exhaustion before the shuttle got halfway through the atmosphere.

"Shut it down! EDI shut it down now!" Joker yelled.

"I am unable to do so. Electro magnetic containment fields around the core are beginning to destabilize." The AI replied.

"EDI this is James. I'm in the engine room but we got an O2 leak. Adams and Donnely had to get out. I'll need you to talk me through this."

EDI started walking him through the release system. Lucky she knew how to translate the complex procedure to grunt-speak.

The cables in the control console where Tali normally worked kept zapping him as he buried his massive arms into it. "Dios! Will you just work right?!"

His hand finally grabbed the necessary cable, plugging it back into the correct port. "Done!" He exclaimed standing back up in pride. When it came to technology, if it was more complex than a firearm or armor he was lost.

Looking back at the console he saw it lighting up red across every panel. "Oh shit!" He tried moving for the door but was too slow; the entire console blew up in his face sending searing hot pieces of glass in every direction.

This was the forth time they had tried to leave the system but the engines kept pushing into some form of overload, forcing an emergency discharge after only a few minutes. They had barely landed the ship the first time. And now the emergency release had failed. If Joker didn't know better he'd swear it was sabotage.

"James, do you read? James! Come in!"

"I registered an explosion near Vega's location just before we lost contact. I already informed Doctor Chakwas."

"Joker? It's Ash. I heard the explosion and pulled him out. He's not looking too good. Get Chakwas down here. NOW!"

Joker sighed heavily. They had all come too far to loose a friend to an accident.

"So have you figured out what the problem is?"

"Unfortunately, I believe so."

"How can knowing what's wrong be a bad thing?"

"It appears more of my base code had been damaged than we initially thought. I would not recommend we attempt another launch until the root issue."

"Uuunn you mean we gotta go back through your coding again?"

"I believe I just said that."

Tali had been by all outside observations been getting better. She stopped crying. In public that is.

In reality she had been getting worse day by day. The night before she had found the pistol he had hidden in the drawer on his side of the bed. She sat in bed all night with the gun in her lap just looking at it, wondering why he kept it there.

Was it... did he... want to... die? I thought... I thought we were happy. I thought he was happy. Her thoughts started drifting farther and farther.

I should. I should join him. She kept repeating the thought in her head over and over. It took her an hour before she could even pick it up. No, wait. I should leave a message. She set the M-6 on the pillow and moved to his desk looking for a pad. She wrote a message on one of Shepard's spare pads. Something to help lessen the blow.

[I can't ever forgive Jeff. Mark died twice because of him. He had to go and save him the first time and it cost him two years, now it's permanent. First he refused to leave, then he abandons him. That's why I haven't said a word to him since... Just find a way to be a little more tactful when you tell him.

Garrus, Ashley, I know it'll probably be one of you who finds me. Promise me you won't blame yourselves. I wanted to do this for a long time but couldn't work up the courage. I want to thank you both for being such good friends to me and for keeping an eye on him all this time.

EDI, I'm sorry I gave you (and Legion for that matter) such a hard time. I don't- I don't know what else to say.

Kenneth, Gabby would you two just admit you love each other and start having kids? You two aren't fooling anybody but yourselves.

I can't keep living here. It's too much. I'm sorry. Thank you for trying.

-Tali'Zorah]

She found some adhesives in the desk drawer to hold it up. She only hoped that it would hold long enough.

Walking back to the bed, she put the pistol to her head under her chin. Best chance to do it right.

So much of her wanted to do this, to be with him again. She could feel the muzzle pushing against the underside of her jaw, the feel of the cold metal transferring through the suit. Just one little squeeze and she would be with him again.

She then changed her mind slightly but only slightly. She was worried that a round through the underside of her jaw might not be completely accurate so she changed its position. I'm coming Mark.

She moved the gun so the muzzle was pointed in towards the back of her head from her mouth and pulled the trigger.

Shepard could feel the small bones and soft cartilage as his fist made contact with her face.

This was disgusting! He was out of control; he was beating Tali senseless! This made no sense to him. He loved her, more than that. She was everything to him. Be it death or life he'd give everything to keep her safe and happy. He could feel the rage with every blow but it wasn't his.

"Shepard stop!" she screamed at him. She had insisted on him being rougher with her and this is where he took it!? When he removed her mask he started wailing on her.

The knocking on their cabin door made him stop. He covered her mouth, whispering in her ear. "Not a word Sweetness."

"Hey Shepard!" Garrus called through the door. "Much as I hate to interrupt your and Tali's uh... private time we've gotta-"

"GARRUS HELP!" She screamed.

"I told you to quiet." He said striking the edge of her eye socket.

"Tali? Tali are you okay? Shepard, what's going on?" Garrus started knocking on the door, pounding to be more precise.

"It's fine Vakarian. I'll be there in a minute."

"GARRUS GET ME OUT!"

"I said shut up!" Shepard said slapping her with a backhand sending her rolling off the bed.

Garrus pried the door open and tackled Shepard. "What the hell are you doing Shepard?!"

"Get off of me Garrus." Shepard said, his voice sounding almost as if he were a rabid human.

"Shepard what the fuck are you doing?!" He repeated.

"What are you talking about Garrus? She brought this on herself." He slammed his knee into Garrus flipping him over Shepard. Scrambling for his drawer he pulled the M-6 and emptied half a clip at his old friend.

His body slumped onto the floor as his blood dripped down from the wall just below the fish tank as it pooled around him on the floor.

"Now then, where were we?" He said focusing back on Tali who was cowering in a corner, face covered in blood, bruises already starting to form.

"Please, Mark... don't." She whimpered.

"Oh don't worry. I think I've had quite enough of that." He yanked her up and threw her forcibly back onto the bed.

"I'm bored now." He said and shot her in the gut. "I think counting the seconds will keep me entertained."

He then waited. One sixty two, 163, 164. It took nearly three minutes for Tali to bleed out, coughing up blood and crying in agonizing pain.

"NO TALI!" Shepard shot up out of his bed sweating profusely. Something was wrong, deep inside of him. Like a piece of him at been ripped out. Not only at what he was doing, but the gnawing feeling that it was something he had done. It was only a dream (a sick one albeit), but he felt like throwing himself against a wall a couple of thousand times for what he had done.

The dream, or rather nightmare he had been having was one of the worst to date. It was one of the few times he had been relieved that the dreams had woken him up.

"Shepard?" Wrex ducked into the tent. He looked around for an intruder instinctively but found no one.

"Another one?" He asked, mildly disappointed there wasn't someone to shoot.

"Wrex I need to record a message."

"Shepard the relays are still broken. Won't go much farther than the next system over."

"Just get it now Wrex!"

When Wrex returned with a data pad to record on he told him to make sure no one disturbed him for the next few minutes.

"This is Commander Shepard and this message is for anyone with knowledge about the SSV Normandy SR-2." He recorded. "Anyone with information or better yet the ability to communicate with them please contact me immediately. I'd also ask you to send this along to the crew. There are several encoded personal messages. They'll be able to decrypt them."

He added a quick message to Joker and Garrus. It took him several attempts to think of something to say to Tali. After a few minutes he settled with "I'm alive and I love you. Please, please, PLEASE be okay." He was too tired and distracted to think of anything else.

ABLE/NOVEMBER: Sorry for such a long delay. My beta suggested a re-write of a scene (to which I agreed). Took me three weeks to get back to it, plus I've got two weeks left in the term so I've been busy. But this is also good news! It means that I should be able to update more frequently for the next 3-4 months.