The human brain, the place of where common sense and moral thought tend to clash at the worst possible times for hours, hadn't made peace even after my body had given into its need for sleep. I had walked into my bedroom door on my way to the bathroom and leaned against the walls on my way there. Getting dressed hadn't been any easier. After fumbling with plastic shirt and metal denim jeans buttons, I'd resigned myself to my Roni's Hyperion Height's sweatshirt and sweatpants. Who else was going to see me this way anyway?
The primary early birds of this town had been out of town for the last three days on a paid vacation. It had made my choice of clothing all the easier to choose.
I pondered my courses of action for the coming potential disaster as I pulled on my coat.
Before me, mentally, had been two options. Option number one had been to take the easiest way out. I could call Emma and cancel out on Happy Ending's Day on the boat. I wouldn't have to face Ian and our lives would move on…eventually. Option two had been to do the right thing. The right thing had meant to face him, no matter how nerve-racking the confrontation would be.
Okay, confrontation makes it sound worse than it probably was going to be.
My mind and my feet had made the unanimous decision to…do the right thing.
Granny's Diner…and then to the Jolly Roger.
The tiny bell rang when I stepped onto the checkered floor of red and white. Ruby had been talking to the newest short-order cook through the opening. From my vantage point, it seemed as if she'd been flirting with the guy.
Ruby, the bright-eyed waitress with long, black hair, had her own secret. I'd overheard dad and Emma talking one Halloween about how she'd turned into a werewolf when Emma first arrived there. From what I gleaned from that eavesdropping session, it had been Emma that had kept the town from killing her.
Hopefully that cook had been like her. Everybody needs someone that can empathize.
The malt machine, idle on a wall shelf, produced an unexpected craving for a chocolate shake. The aroma of pancakes on the grill induced the loudest rumble I'd ever heard.
The crisp swish of turning pages turned my attention to a corner booth. The person turning the pages had been shielded by the booth facing me.
My head turned to the right, but my feet carried me ever closer to that booth.
Curiosity or assurance that I'd been alone, I don't know.
When I'd seen the person that had been cloaked from my vision, I stood at the end of the table. Like a deer staring at a car speeding my way, every muscle froze.
Ian!
My presence hadn't registered until I tried to turn toward the counter.
"Lucy. Don't walk away, please."
Ian's plea stalled me in my second step.
So much for the Jolly Roger and time to work out what I'd say.
"Please." An Irish accent came out of his mouth.
In all the time we'd been talking, I had never heard it come out in such a plain, open fashion.
I changed my direction and sat across from him.
Ian had put whatever he'd been reading on a rainbow of other thin brochures. The beginning of dark circle below his eyes contrasted with the light blue of his eyes.
Killian had been correct. We had both been putting ourselves through hell.
Before Ian could say a word more, Ruby strolled over to the booth.
Ruby took both of our orders and retreated to where the cook had been, his attention fixed on Ruby.
The seat below me had been cushioned but the gravity of the situation had turned it to cold, uncomfortable stone.
"I have been a jerk to you. I'm sorry." Ian spoke up ahead of me.
I tried to come up with response to his genuine admission, but nothing came to mind.
"Killian warned me that secrets between two people never end well. My reaction that day hadn't been about you as much as it had been about something I'd thought I'd gotten over years ago."
The hum of the malt maker and sizzle of the grill weren't powerful enough to overcome the sound of Ian's soft voice.
"James Hawkins isn't my biological father. He took me in when I was 3. From what he told me, my mother had been a common bar wench. Instead of leaving that life behind, she snuck me aboard his boat and left me sleeping on a bed of coiled line. He'd known her most of his life. If she'd known who my father was, she never told anyone before she got on another outbound boat."
Abandonment. Even I wouldn't have gotten over that had it been me on the receiving end.
That's when it had occurred to me exactly what I'd done.
Correction, what I'd done twice.
Instead of being angry at his omission, my heat of my anger had been divided between myself and the person that should've raised him. His mother hadn't been there for me to scold but my conscience was there to scorch me for my previous decisions.
"James knows my secret but has never divulged it. I don't want people to pity me because of my mother's decision. I also don't want to turn into a moving target for other people that would love to make me suffer. Certain people of the "Herd" target those with my story."
Translation, "Can I trust you to keep the secret?"
Of course, his secret had made his reaction to my careless words and reckless behavior after excruciatingly easier to understand.
Through my shame, I forced myself to look into his eyes and admit what I'd only now admitted to myself.
"Back in the Jolly Roger, that day, I brought it all back and kept it going at school."
His eyes never left mine.
"Aye, Lucy. You did…even if that hadn't meant to."
A simple apology would never be the salve for the wound I'd caused. It might be a start, but I knew more had to be done.
I place my hand flat on the table's surface. It gave me something to concentrate on and help me find the words I hadn't said.
"You weren't the only one who lied. I lied to myself and you."
The corners of his mouth squirmed down then tilted upward.
Ian moved the brochures into the backpack next to him.
We both nodded our appreciation, which Ruby accepted before going back to the kitchen at a brisk walking pace.
Ruby's response to our nods reflected the obvious awkward embarrassment of interrupting an intimate conversation. For as long as I had known Ruby, I know one thing for sure. Anything her ears would've heard, she would've kept it to herself rather than gossip to someone else.
"You were saying Lucy luv." Ian's normally subdued accent came out.
The calm of his accent eased my nerves and freed my thinking.
I closed my eyes, drew in a breath through my nose, and released it through my mouth.
The growling of my protesting stomach had lost to the resolve instilled by my conscience.
"When I see you, I see my happy ending."
The weariness that had weighed down his facial features had slowly lifted.
"Whenever I look into your eyes, I see a part of myself that I have to keep away from other people. You understand me better than I understand myself."
There I'd said it!
However, that hadn't been the end of it. Like a levy breaking under the pressure of rushing water, the rest of what I hadn't said poured out of me faster than I could filter it.
"It scared me. Every time I think that I have something that special, my fear tricks me into thinking it won't last. If I'd said that back then, we wouldn't be here now. My fear of being hurt, survival instinct, stopped me."
Air cleared! No lies, only absolute uncensored honesty.
He slid his plate to the side and intertwined his fingers into mine.
"I loved having Killian around as a mentor, but this last summer spent on the Jolly Roger, had been to be around you. I remembered your presentation from school and volunteered to help dad on his project. I stayed on as an apprentice under Killian to stay close to you."
Ian grimaced immediately after the last sentence.
"Okay, that last sentence came out wrong." Ian chuckled nervously, "I promise, I wasn't stalking you."
Heat travelled up from my collar bone clear up to the tips of my ears.
No, I hadn't taken it as Ian had been stalking me. That's not why I turned as red as the checkers on the floor and table cloth.
It had been the idea that Ian had been pursuing me almost from the start.
How had I not noticed?
"Killian had me come back after you'd left. His wisdom never left me. Although he and Emma have an amazing story, I wouldn't be eager to duplicate it with us. Going from literal 'hell and back' sounds terrifying."
The outburst of my stomach drew his attention and mine at the same time.
He let go of my hands so that I could eat.
I heard Killian's voice retell that story to me while I ate my, now Luke warm pancakes, and sucked up my now melted malt.
Ian followed my lead, unrolling his silverware from the napkin.
I'd steal glances of Ian, thinking about that bond that Emma and Killian had shared. That bond had been made from a physical attraction, spiritual union, and emotional connection that had been born out of conflicts they'd endured together. Everyone faces a moment of truth where a decision between fear of the days ahead and the courage to face them presents itself. Emma chosen courage over fear, in the end.
There I sat looking over at the one person that had been at the end of my "moment of truth."
Ian pulled his wallet from back pocket of his jeans. Ruby took the money and the ticket with an unmistakable grin of satisfaction on her lips.
"This has all the makings of a first date, don't you think, Lucy luv?"
Enter mushroom cloud of excited, girlish shock.
MIND BLOWN!
Ian side-stepped out of his seat. With his left, he slung the bag onto his back.
I took his hand and he pulled me to my feet.
"Now that we have that whole mess behind us, I've wanted to say something from the time we'd become friends."
A strange ease and excitement surged through me when he intertwined his fingers with mine.
Ian leaned close to my ear, his breath creating tremors that jostled more than my mind.
"You are my happy ending."
Ian squeezed my hand, the reassurance that he'd been honest about everything this time.
We left Granny's, our hands still attached to each other, Ian leading the way.
"Right now, I see a happy ending. Killian reminded me that happy endings take work. I'm willing, if you are."
My mind had warned me to listen, truly listen.
"Even if we have problems along the way, you couldn't lose if you tried."
No response to be made ready before he'd finished.
Our journey ended at the, currently vacant, park. The children of Storybrooke wouldn't be here for another hour or so. We sat on the bench, gentle sea breezes playing with the ends of my hair.
"The future isn't a certain thing. We don't know what's ahead. I refuse to live in the past. There's nothing there but misery for us. We have today. If that's all I'm allowed to have with you, I'll gladly take it."
Ian's lips brushed my hand.
A renewed satisfying, relaxing shock travelled up my arm and into my heart.
The race and then the sudden ease confused me.
"Here we are, holding hands and talking. Killian will be expecting me soon back at the Jolly Roger to get this worked out. I hope we won't disappoint him. After all, he won't be the hero in this one." I turned to Ian.
A shared laugh, for the first time in an eternity.
It might not have been an eternity, but a teenage mind has a limited understanding, for the most part.
"I was just thinking about Killian. I think you're right. We're just rehearsal for him. Wait until Hope is a teenager. The discussions might not be so kind." Ian finally caught is breath.
The laugh gave way to a new kind of silence neither one of us knew what to do with.
A silence with unmet, delayed longing we'd both ignored until now.
That magnetic attraction pulled at both of us as we looked at each other. Our heads gravitated to each other, Ian's hand touched my neck.
Another centimeter and it would've happened.
"Lucy love, I'm sorry but…" Ian massaged my neck.
Lost in the moment, I touched his face, my thumb rubbing across stubble.
"Don't apologize. I understand."
He seemed to lean into my hand, an acknowledgment of my words.
"Lucy luv, I want to kiss you right now. I won't lie." Ian confessed.
I'd been thinking the same thing, my mind bracing for whatever came with his kiss.
We were like statues for the whole world to see, had there been anyone around. Neither one of us seemed to care or worry about it.
Our foreheads touched, and our hands found their way back to each other.
"I want to remember the moment I kiss you for as long as I live. This is too ordinary."
His hand pulled mine deeper into his.
"No, I'm saving it for Happy Ending's Eve. I don't care if anybody sees us. This is something I want us both to remember. Do you understand?"
I searched for the words, hoping that I wouldn't stutter when they came out.
"I can wait. If we've waited this long to just get to this point, I can wait to kiss you."
Together, in perfect sync, we stood up.
Ian draped his arm on my shoulders and I wrapped my arm around his waist. We walked to the piers, side-by-side.
Killian had been right.
Wasn't he always?