Scarred chapter 2

Jiyong decided it would be in his best interest to not tell his band mates about this situation, it'll only make them worry unnecessarily, after the doctor left he sat there for what felt like an eternity but realistically was only about 40 minutes. He was confused beyond belief as to how he let it get this far and what was causing it, whatever it is, it needs to end.

The young star decided it would be better to stop for the day, despite not working out for long he was exhausted; you could see the dark circles under his eyes and he knew other YG artists would start appearing soon so he should leave now and head back to Big Bang's dorm. Maybe he would be able to sleep! 'That would be great!' thought the now slightly excited star.

Meanwhile

"Guys! Have any of you seen Jiyong this morning? He's not in his room and he isn't answering his phone"

At this time the other four members were in their hyung's room eating brunch, because they had all overslept after a particularly long day they had previously. They always end up eating In Seung-hyun's room because it was normal, though Youngbae normally ended up cooking most of the time often having to smack a hungry Daesung to stop him from picking at the cooking food.

"mmf no hyung.." came from the younger Seung-hyun who was, if you could believe it was eating pancakes with lemon and sugar that Youngbae had made them all.
"Hyung, I think I heard him leave early this morning, well I heard someone leave but I wasn't sure who" said Youngbae at the stove cooking more pancakes because Daesung and little Seung-hyun had eaten most of them already so he was cooking more.

Big Seung-hyun took the answers in and turned on his heel and left the dining area, he's on a mission to find Jiyong. He has noticed the younger acting strange recently, he's seemed distant and fragile and deathly pale. Seung-hyun has been so worried he has difficulties sleeping.

Seung-hyun left the Big Bang dorm to find they're leader who has been MIA since this morning, the older made his way to his car in the lot and realised that Jiyong's car was already missing; seems Youngbae was right, he had left this morning. 'Where would he have gone' wondered the rap star. Perhaps he'd check their favourite diner? Or maybe he'd decided to go to his home? Or maybe he's at the studio? So many places he could be and he needed to check them all.
With that he got in his car and decided to check whichever one was closest, that seems to be… the diner, and so that's where he starts.

"No I'm sorry Seung-hyun, I haven't seen Jiyong today" said the manager at the diner who knew all 5 men personally. "Thank you hyung, I'll keep looking" said Seung-hyun as he turned and left the delicious smelling room. As he headed back to his car he thought that perhaps instead of going to Jiyong's house he'd just head to the studio at the YG building, figuring that if he was home he probably wouldn't want to be disturbed.

Pulling into the parking lot at the YG building Seung-hyun breathes a sigh of relief as he notices Jiyong's car also parked in the lot, not many others but he's positive that the white Lamborghini belongs to Big Bangs leader.
He pulls into a parking spot, gets ready to get out and head into the large building to find Jiyong; he thinks he'll start in Big Bangs personal studio and by deductive reasoning close in on all the other rooms looking for the man that has him so worried. As he got out and locked his car he took a moment to admire Jiyong's car, gorgeous it absolutely was! Though Seung-hyun's car was indeed beautiful to, BMW i8 in Protonic Blue with highlight in Frozen Grey metallic, it, like the leaders car is a sight to behold.

Seung-hyun heads into the building, feeling comfortable, like it's his second home and it is.
In the studio there was no one, nothing had even been touched since their last gathering in there two days ago. 'Well I guess the next best place would be the cafeteria since he probably haven't eaten yet' and he makes his was in that direction, making his way through this giant maze of a building.

Jiyong drags himself off the bench and makes his way to his locker and takes out his clothes 'I'll just have a shower at the dorms, 'fuck bumping into anyone else' thinks the tired leader as he changes into his casual wear, putting his dirty gym clothes in a small basket in front of his locker, a cleaner will come and take these for cleaning and when he comes back they'll be clean and ready for use.

He puts his wallet and keys in his pocket and heads back to his car thinking about what Dr Tatum and he had discussed and what he's going to do about it, he's still thinking it's a bad idea to tell the other members and worse still, his hyung.

As he walks through the big building he passes Big Bangs studio and smells a familiar scent, its TOP's 'Hyungs been here, no wait.. he's still here' thinks the leader as panic begins to set in, he doesn't want to see his band mates yet let alone the possible reason for his possible illness, he's not ready, he still needs to shower and have coffee and something to eat to put some colour back into him, though the thought of food makes him feel ill he knows it'll help. He rushes through the building carefully trying not to bump into his hyung.
'but god he smells like heaven' he thinks "aish shut up!" he says quietly but he knows it's the truth, he loves the cologne his hyung wear, it's intoxicating.

He manages to make it out of the building safely and without seeing anyone of any importance, he rushes to his car unlocking it with the button on the way noticing his hyung's car too, gets in as quick as he can and leaves YG premises. Thinking in the car he decides its best if he goes home and calls his band mates later informing them that he'll be spending the night there instead of the dorm, they'll understand, they all miss their houses too.

After checking the other studios and cafeteria Seung-hyun decides to check the gym, though he knows Jiyong didn't really like working out too much let alone in the morning, he decides to check anyway and yep sure enough the evidence that the leader was there, was sitting in the small basket in front of his locker, just some dirty clothes.
'That means he's here!' thought the older excitedly 'but he's already finished and I don't hear the showers running, where could he be' again getting worried. TOP hurriedly checks over the rooms and asks employees if they've seen the one and only G-Dragon but, all the rooms were empty and everyone who saw him said they hadn't seen him in a while.

Defeated he returns to his car thinking that he was so close to fining Jiyong but somehow he'd slipped through his fingers, as soon as he's outside he notices that Jiyong's car is gone "urh I did miss him! Is he avoiding us?" he says aloud frustrated.

'I can't stop here, I need to find him' he really does need to find him, its eating at the older, he needs to make sure Jiyong is okay and something is telling him everything is the exact opposite.
Seung-hyun get in his car and heads back to the dorm, he wants to do a few things before he starts looking for their MIA leader again.

Back at the dorm

"So did you find him hyung, where is he?" Daesung said from the couch in front of the TV.

"No not yet, I just come back to have a shower and eat something. I'll start looking again when I'm done."

"Hyung, I've noticed that Jiyong has been acting strange lately I'm starting to worry about him, do you think he'd tell us if there was something wrong? We are making a comeback I want to help" came from little Seung-hyun clearly showing signs of worry; it was etched in his young face that he was concerned.

"Don't worry Seung-hyun I'm going back out to find him he won't leave us, so don't worry" the older reassured the younger man.

Eating what Youngbae had made quickly the eldest Big Bang member showered and left his fellow members in the dorm once angina to look for their beloved leader.

"please find him hyung, something doesn't feel right..' came quietly from Youngbae as Seung-hyun was leaving, he simply nodded in agreement and understanding and then left.

On his way down to his car, the older band member couldn't help but hurry, he had the same gnawing feeling in the pit of his stomach, the same one he assumed Youngbae had. He had to find him today. Once again he steps into his car and sets off, this time he knows where not to look and has narrowed down a few places where Jiyong could be. 'his house.. that's where he'll end up. I know it.'. but that isn't where he drove to, instead he drove to where they had shot some of their music video clips, a large secluded plain. It had everything, various types of buildings and open spaces with grassy fields to desert sand plains. Jiyong had always liked being there during those times. Of course he could enter whenever he liked because the entire plain was owned by Mr YG.

The drive into too far, about 40 minutes or so Seung-hyun had guessed, its been a while since any of them had been there. He figured that if Ji wasn't there he would simply go to the leaders house and if he wasn't there then he would wait. 'yes, that's it' he thought, knowing that Jiyong would eventually go home, especially since he seemed to be avoiding his fellow members.

Back to GD

Utterly spent the young leader drove back to his home, he loved his house, it was so large and spacious and he had it decorated exactly how he wanted. It was modern and sleek and everything that embodied GDragon and that persona, because up til recently that WAS GDragon. Now though, he isn't exactly feeling like himself. While on route to his house he let his wayward thoughts roll in making no attempt to stop them, some of them making him feel better some of them making him feel worse.. the ones of his hyung made him feel light and for a brief moment, almost happy. But that was brief because his thoughts soon drifted to his other band mates, the very ones he knew he was letting down, doing what he was doing.

The thoughts of his youngers made him feel so much worse, on top of everything he had guilt for that as well and before he could stop them, a steady stream of tears had broken free and he was crying. Slow at first but as fast as those thoughts were coming, so were the tears.
By the time he made it home he was basically heaving against his steering wheel, feeling more broken then he had when he woke up this morning and it was barely 12pm.

Pushing the button to open the gates to his mansion he slowing rolled the super car in and pressed the second button to open the garage roller door and steadily pulled the car in. Pulling the handbrake and turning off the ignition he sat for a moment wondering what the hell he was even doing, he had no real direction or drive.
But still he got out and closed the roller door thinking that he needed to shower and eat or he'd never be able to face his bandmates.

Dragging his feet upstairs to his bedroom the leader could practically feel the dark cloud that had surround him, it was almost visible and it only made everything worse. 'what if everyone else can see it' he thought despite knowing very well that was not possible , he was beginning to doubt himself.
As he made it to his room he was crying again, tears he could not stop. All of those dark thoughts are creeping in his mind and feelings of guilt and doubt.

Stripping down while walking to his bathroom, dropping clothes along the way and dragging his feet he could not believe how broken he had become. The lean and well-toned man turned on the water; hot first then added the cold till the temperature was what he felt he needed. It was scorching hot but he felt like it needed to be that way to wash away the shame he felt. Stepping in, he hissed as the hot water stung his back and worst still, the fresh wounds on his arms. It hurt so bad but Jiyong embraced the pain feeling like this was the least he deserved.

Sliding down the sleek tiles to land ass first of the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest you could no longer distinguish what was tears and what was water as he just sat there and prayed the water washed him away with his tears. 'I need help.. I need to be saved.. i don't deserve help.. I don't deserve to be save.. I should just wash away' were the only thoughts as he sat the under the constant stream for what? 5 minutes? 10? an hour? an eternity?.
By this time he was bright red all over from the heat of the water and his fingers and toes had gone wrinkly, but he wasn't better. The cloud was still there and the knot in his stomach was worse, he could no longer tell if he was crying or if he'd run out of tears but at that moment he thoughts darkened and he realised that he really could wash away..

Quickly while he still had motivation he moved forward on the floor of his bathroom and towards his cabinet, he ruffled around in a draw till he could what he was looking for. Pulling down a small bag he unzipped it, it was his shaving kit for when he had long periods of time at his house, but more specifically, his cut throat razor. Taking it and crawling back to the comfort of his hot shower he unfolded it with unsteadying, shaking fingers.

This time he knew the tears were falling while he was staring at the blade, sad, lonely and confused he gave brief thoughts to those who matter to him most, his mumma. "oh mum.. I'm so sorry I failed you!, you were so proud but it was all for nothing!" and with that he gave a slash, one clean quick line over scars and even some still fresh wounds on his left arm.
He chocked in a sob as he dropped his left arm, blood mixing with water swirling down the drain, it hurt, but he didn't care. Seeing the blood drop brought a ping of relief, he really was washing away.

Lifting his arm again watching his life drain he thought of his band mates, those who counted on him, trusted and relied on him and those who looked up to him, this cut, this one he needed to make hurt more. To make up for the pain he would cause these people, these people who he held so dear and so close to his heart.
But it wasn't enough to stop him from this endeavour as he took another slash at his arm! Barely 2 centre metres away from the previous one the new wound raw and burning and from the hot water as even more blood drained from his body.

The blood loss was beginning to affect him now, feeling cloudy and woozy he needed one more, one more will finish him, end this pain and nightmarish life. Feeling lost and dizzy his thoughts wondered to his one, the one that made him feel better, that's what he needed right now, to feel better even if only briefly. "Seung-Hyun. Im sorry, I disappointed you. I let you down. And I wish I could have given you one last hug.. Seung-Hyun, did I ever tell you? You smell really good. It's the most amazing scent in the world to me.. This hurts Seung-Hyun.. but I can't stop.. and its too late. I hope you can forgive me" The blood won't stop flowing, the hot water has thinned his blood so he knows it will not be long now, determined, he lifts the blade one more time and with what's left of his strength he makes one last and deepest slash, this one crossing the previous two. They are no longer long wounds as now it more resembles a gaping hole, the steam that filled the air and Jiyong nostrils had a metallic tint now too as a result of his red essence flowing almost as much as the hot water.
Within minutes he had begun to slip in and out of consciousness, his vision whitening with each lapse, each time mumbling one name-

"Seung-Hyun…"

A/N

so there you have it guys! different huh?

thanks for reading!

Much love, Jeddy