Scarred chapter 4

Waking up from unconsciousness is a bizarre thing, everyone feels the effects differently, for Jiyong it was like an out of body experience. He could feel his body and he knew it was him but it was like he was just outside of it, watching it happen without actually 'seeing'.
He could hear voices around him, eyes still closed, he could not find the strength or will to open them as he listened intently trying to focus on who the voices are. They were all familiar to him, but his mind was still foggy and he couldn't distinguish any actual names.

"My sweet poor baby, what have you done?" he heard a woman squeak out, clearly exhausted and broken. Jiyong thinks it's his mother 'I am so sorry mother, please don't cry' he thought hazily.

"How long has he been here?" he heard the woman ask, but to who, he doesn't know who.

"He has not left ma'am" came from a man, a voice of authority.

'Who? Who hasn't left?' the young man thought to himself, since he can't see, the man they are both referring to would be the one and only Seung-Hyun who was currently asleep on a two seater lounge off to the side of the room, and they were right, Jiyong has been unconscious for almost a week and the rapper has not left the hospital once, despite being begged by his close friends and bandmates to just go home for a few hours to eat and sleep. He refused each time, wanting to be by Ji's side when he wakes up.

They had all been told that, Jiyong may or may not wake up from his slumber because they simply do not know how much damage was done to his brain from the blood loss, but Seung-Hyun wasn't going to give up, he know Jiyong would wake up. He could feel it.

"Ma'am, I know you're worried for your son, but you do not have the same resilience that Seung-Hyun has, you need to rest too" the doctor obviously concerned for the older woman.
'How long has she been here?' the still man wondered, he does not want his mother to fall ill because of his mistakes.

Jiyong could hear the woman attempting to fight back at the man who is asking her to leave her son but she sounded defeated and eventually agreed to go home for a while, leaving the young man, in his daze and in total silence bar a few beeps of some machines, to think about what has happened and what will happen next.

Jiyong barely remembers what had happened, he was crying, in the shower, his heart was heavy and he just wanted to the pain to go away. 'Seung-Hyun' he thought 'I think I love you but..'. this can't be right, he is GDragon, he could have any woman in South Korea whenever he wanted, so why had he fallen for a man. He knew it to be true because he wanted nothing more than to be on a big bed somewhere with the older man so that he could just crawl into his arms and feel happy and safe. But that was just a wayward dream; he knew his hyung could not love him back, despite their closeness the older only saw him as a brother, not a love interest.

These thoughts saddened the man again as the fog in his mind started to fade, he got to feel the same way all over again, the same awful feelings that got him into the mess in the beginning.

By now the pain medication has started to wear off, it would not be long till he is given other dose but for now he will embrace the dark throbbing pain that has taken over is left arm, he supposes he really did a number on himself this time, it almost worked, he was so close to being free Inwardly sighing that it hadn't worked, He then wondered how he even got to the hospital, he was at home alone, so who came to find him?
'Wait.. Seung-Hyun is here, does that mean that he is the one who found me?' now feeling shocked and more awake after that possible revelation, the young man started of open his eyes, it was hard, he still felt so tired, tired enough to just fall back asleep. But what he wanted more than that was to look at the man who may have saved him.

Finally having opened his eyes and allowing them to adjust, he took a look around the room, it was large and he figured that his status and fortune allowed this to happen, there were machines both sides of him and tubes running through both hands and an oxygen hose to his nose that was uncomfortable. On the cabinet next to him there were at least 5 different arrangements of flowers, no doubt from his loved ones who had visited him during his long sleep.

And that's when he noticed, the handsome man, awkwardly sleeping on a too small for him lounge. Studying him for a while, Jiyong couldn't help but think about how perfect this human was; in every aspect the young man could not find a fault. And that would be a problem, what if it WAS this perfect man who found him? He had subjected the older male to such disgusting scene; he could only imagine the state he was in when he had been found. Shuddering, he tried to push that thought aside so stare and the man and try to memorize every feature he could see in the dimly lit room.

Even slouched, Jiyong could see that the man was lean, his thin shirt had a few buttons undone at the top so the younger man could see his collar bones and the top of his pectoral muscles, of course Jiyong already knew the shape the man was in, he seen him all the time but right now he gets to look without hiding behind quick glances.
His beautiful face did not hide the dark circles that were under both eyes, Jiyong ignored the guilty pang that hit him and focused instead on his other features, he had he most perfect high cheek bones that made even the most beautiful girls jealous of this man's natural beauty, and he managed to somehow always have perfectly formed eyebrows, they matched it sleek hair, that, at the moment was quite ruffled, but that only made him look more appealing to the young man. And best of all, his currently hidden gem, Seung-Hyun's eyes, the first thing he looked for every morning when he entered the YG building, searching for those dark brown orbs of hope that sent sparks through his body. The man really was perfect.

Groaning at the fact that because the man was sleeping he could not see those beautiful eyes, he accidently made the older man stir; it was so quiet in that room that a pin drop would wake the man. Jiyong's heart now racing at the fact that he'd have to face his hyung knowing everything he'd done. He wants nothing more than to have the ground open up and swallow him right now. But it was too late, Seung-hyun had opened his eyes and was staring at the younger man, like a stunned mullet he looked shocked beyond belief, it was as if he'd seen a ghost, no it was like he thought he was still dreaming.

"Ji.."

There it is, that heavenly voice that makes the younger man tingle, but this time that wonderful feeling of having that man say his name was drowned out by guilt and instead of replying, he looked away in shame.
The intensity of guilt he felt right now rivalled his previous desire to end his life, how was he expected to be able to live with all that has happened? How was he supposed to look any of them in the eye ever again?

"Jiyong.." came from the man again, this time with more persistence, the wounded star still could not look at his hyung who he could hear was moving towards him now, he simply attempted to turn his face and hide further.

He heard the man pull up a chair beside his bed and plop down onto it, the star could smell him now, and it was intoxicating. He jolted in surprise when he felt his hand being held and raised up, then he felt it, a kiss on his knuckles. 'what?!' he screamed in his head confused. It was such a soft and tender kiss, filled with compassion and that was enough the break the already wounded younger man. A soft hiccup was his downfall as his sadness and confusion took over his body and a tear left its water confines, fell down his cheek and disappeared into the linen on which his head resided.

He was so weak and broken and did not want to be seen like this, but there was no where he could run. What did that small kiss mean? Is Seung-hyun toying with him? And if so, why? Could he not that he could not take any more pain and hurt?

"Ji.. please i.."

Now Seung-Hyun was at a loss for words, he wanted to tell the young man that he loved him but, what if this affection was one sided? What if his guess is wrong? It will only make this entire terrible situation so much worse. He remembers just moments ago when he heard his love awake from his long slumber, it was like being drop kicked, he had waited so long and prayed to anyone who might have been listening that when it actually happened he was in utter shock. He was elated of course, but shocked.

His heart shattered when he heard his love sob 'why baby? How can I help you?' was all he thought, he felt the younger jump at the kiss he had planted on his hand, but, he thought it was just surprise, but now he is sitting here watching his beloved cry and he doesn't know what to do to help.

"Ji, I'll go and tell the doctor that you've woken, okay?"

He added the last part as a question in hopes that the man would reply to him, he didn't and the man just slumped his shoulders, let go of the tube filled hand and left the room.
Outside of the room, Seung-Hyun has taken a shaky deep breath, he had too, and it was all he could do to stop himself from crying. He is convinced now that he is in fact the reason that Jiyong is in this positon, but he can't pin point the exact reason, all he knows now for sure is that, he loves the young man and that he will do anything and everything in his power to help the struggling pop star. He will not let this happen again.

Walking up to the counter with unsteady legs, he informed the nurses that the man in room 22 had finally woke up and seemed to be fully aware

"okay sir, I'll send in the doctor right away" the woman seemed very interested in the young man and he could not tell if she was simply going above and beyond for her job or, and the more likely reason, because it was the very handsome, famous and wealthy GDragon laying in that bed. I didn't particularly like the latter reason but if it meant that Ji would get help sooner rather than later then he could deal with that.

When Seung-Hyun came back into the room, the man in the bed almost stopped breathing; the older man really was breath taking, despite looking like hammered shit which he could only assume was lack of sleep and food.
'this is all my fault' he blamed himself for all of this. He knows now that he should have taken his and Dr Tatum's visits more seriously, maybe this could have been avoided. Maybe, maybe he wouldn't have fallen in love.

Jiyong looked up to see that the doctor had followed close behind his hyung and was at the foot of his bed, looking over his charts and scribbling down who knows what, he was just glad right now that he did not have to be in the room alone with Seung-Hyun who he knows is staring at him with full blown intensity.

"Alright Mr Kwon, I need to check your vitals now okay?"

He looked nervously at his hyung's direction, he's seen enough of his broken self, Jiyong doesn't want him to witness anymore. Noticing his charges hesitation he caught wind of what was wrong

"Seung-hyun, could you please leave while I do this? It will not take long"

"But.. yes doctor"

Seung-Hyun gave one more reassuring glance to the man he loved before unhappily leaving the room. Stepping outside and closing the door, the man didn't even bother moving to the waiting room, he paced back and forth in from of room 22, waiting and waiting so that he could go back in. he couldn't stand not being beside him, especially when Jiyong might need him.

After barely 15 minutes, the doctor came out of the room, closing the door behind him. 'huh why?' he thought, 'what the hell happened?'

The doctor saw the man's reaction and reassured him that, Mr Kwon was in fact okay, he had just checked everything and re dressed his wound and that he didn't seem to show any signs of brain damage.

"Then why did you close the door? Can I go back in now?" trying quite hard to keep his temper in check, he was so very happy to hear good news about Jiyong but now he wanted to be with him again and, maybe work out what happened.

"I had to give him more pain relief and it has will make him very sleepy, I'm not sure what you spoke about when he awoke but he was quite stressed and cannot deal with that right now or he may not heal. So he will not be allowed to have any more visitors until he has woken up again."

Stunned, the man who hasn't left Ji's side for days was not welcome to see him, even if only to sit on the lounge and watch him, make sure he's safe. Now he was pissed, he turned and stormed away from the doctor without a word, not willing to leave he figured he'd just sleep in the waiting room until Jiyong woke up.

Jiyong's head is feeling much lighter now, in fact, his entire body was feeling much lighter, those drugs the doctor had put through his IV have taken affect quite quickly. He was feeling almost drunk, he was woozy and almost happy and he had no pain in his at all "Seung-Hyun ahhh" he slurred out in his daze, he wanted to tell the man how he felt, right now while he was under the influence and had the courage

"SEEUUNNGG-HYUUUUN"

Moments later a nurse came running in to see what had happened

"Mr Kwon, what's wrong?"

"Heeyyya nurse lady, these drugs are really nice can I please see Seung-hyun ah, please, now thank you"

His words came out in a fast blur, the nurse almost couldn't keep up but she managed to get a grasp and told the man that she would go find the man he wanted to see.

Seung-Hyun shot upright when he was coolly woken up by a young nurse

"Jiyong?! What's happened?!"

"Seung-Hyun, calm down, Jiyong is fine, he is awake and is wildly asking to see you. His pain for the moment has been subdued thanks to the medication"

'He's asking for me?' the man thought making his heart swell with happiness, his Ji wants to see him. But what changed, last time he was in there the younger couldn't even look him in the eye, the nurse was saying something that he blanked out while he let his thoughts run wild with hope.

Pretty much skipping to room 22, Big Bangs oldest member didn't even bother knocking on the door before entering, Jiyong wanted to see he and nothing was going to get in his way, not a doctor now, or a door.

"Seung-Hyun ah!"

The man in the bed snapped his head in the direction of the door and his eyes lit up at the sight

"Hyung! come sit, come sit with me"

'wow, what the hell? What's going on here?' the older man was stunned at the total change of attitude

Obliging the younger man, Seung-Hyun walked over to the chair beside his bed and took a seat

"heey no. I meant sit with me" Jiyong looked sad but determined; still shocked by all of this the older man didn't argue he just pulled down the bed rail on the right side of Jiyong and sat on the bed.
Jiyong's confidence now fading and replacing it self with insecurity at the close proximity of the man beside him, He decided quickly that he had to do it, it was now or never.

With a light head and a blush for days, Jiyong put his head down while trying to unjumble his thoughts through the drug induced fog, taking a quick breath he decided to just go for it

"Hyung.. I'm so so SO sorry for p-putting you through this" he stumbled over his words quickly continuing before the older man could interrupt and make him lose his train of thought

"I don't know how this happened hyung, it was so dark, everywhere and always, and I couldn't get rid of it or run away. It followed me and I got lost in it and I didn't think to ask for help even though I know you all care, I didn't know how and still don't. I've ruined everything hyung, everything I was and any future I might have had, and what about Big Bang? What about us? What if I broke us? What is YG going to think? You know what he is like hyung, where do I from here? Can I even go anywhere from here?"

Everything the younger was saying came out so fast, like a guilty confession, words just kept spewing out. Seung-Hyun was so taken aback by all the very real and valid questions from his young love, he was at a complete loss of words, what could he reply to that? The truth may be harsh but sugar coating it will only eventually make it worse.

"Ji.. i.."

Literally having his words fail him right now he just sat there staring, things had started to get awkward. The only thing the older man could do to try to comfort the injured man was take his hand again and attempt to physically show the man that he isn't alone right now and hopefully convey to him that it's not just right now, but he will never have to feel alone again.

Jiyong's heart shot into his throat at contact for the second time today, he felt tears welling up in his eyes and fought to hold them back, he had cried enough. But the drug high is appearing to be way too brief and he is losing the battle in his head again. He wants so much to have Seung-Hyun lean in and kiss him, he wants to melt away in those plump lips and have his pain melt away too.
He looked away again; shame etched all over his youthful and beautiful face, this action did not go unnoticed by his Hyun who simply tightened his grip a little in assurance.

Neither men had any idea where to go from here, the younger man wanted to hide, to keep the way he felt away from judgmental persons, the older just wanted to see his Ji be happy again, to put this whole mess behind him. Granted, he wanted it to be by his side, the younger man's happiness and wellbeing meant more to him.

Jiyong was feeling really, really woozy now and dead tired, that small amount of excitement had drained him and apparently the doctor was right when he said these new meds would make him impossibly tired. It worked its way through his whole body and his strength was fading with every second, before he could stop it one tear had escaped but he was too tired to try and stop it or hide it.

"please no.. not again" Jiyong barely whispered out closing his eyes, he was falling.

"Ji baby, no.."

What was that he heard his hyung say? He can't make out anything now, couldn't concentrate on any one word; it was almost just noise in his head as he was losing consciousness again. He fought to try and make sense of the sounds his hyung was making, 'baby'? Is that was the man said? There's no way, no way he could have actually said that. 'I'm.. Going crazy' Jiyong thought feeling that darkness fall over him again, because he thinks he's hearing things he wants to hear.

Seung-Hyun, watching the injured man succumb to the drugs and fall asleep, decided take this quick opportunity to sneak in one, little, kiss. It was just a small peck on his forehead, just a tiny bit of intimacy before he leaves to let the man rest.

"Jiyong.. please, please don't ever think you have to go through any of this alone ever again..i.."

Chocking back his own tears now, trying to croak out some loving words to the sleeping idol, he's pretty sure he is just saying it aloud to empty space and sleeping ears.

"I thought I was going to lose you Ji.. You had me terrified and I thought.. I thought wouldn't get to tell you that.. I love you, Ji"

…

A/N

Hey guys! It's only been two days since the last update and it may show in the writing, sorry. Having said that, leave a comment on how I could improve, I really do want to get better!
it may take longer for chapter 5 but I will try my best to have it done for you guys!

As always, thank you for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoyed it!

Much love, Jeddy