Scarred chapter 5

"I love you, Ji"

"Seung-Hyun, I.. I love you too.. I've waited so long to hear you say those words to me"

"I love you, Ji"

Jiyong could hardly contain the joy he felt upon hearing those 4 words, they had immediately chased away the dark cloud that had almost consumed the handsome, young star. But, he didn't feel like himself 'what's wrong with me?'
He felt as if he was floating, but he could feel weight on his back, how could he be floating but feel that?

"I love you, Ji"

"Seung-Hyun.." Jiyong spoke the man's name lovingly "I love you, too"

He reached up his hand above his face, checking to see if this was real, if this was his own body and if this was actually happening to him. Then suddenly, a spot on his forehead felt warm, and a soft feather like pressure appeared for barely a moment. It warmed him, soothed his soul and he was sad that it was over so quickly. Scrunching his face in confusion, he wondered what that was, why did it feel so familiar?

"I love you, Ji"

"Seung-Hyun?"

"I love you, Ji"

'oh no' he thought with a heavy heart, he'd figured it out, he knows what's happening now and its upsetting for the idol who that that he was finally free.

"I love you, Ji"

It was a dream, Jiyong was sleeping and all of this was not real.

"DON'T SAY THAT!" he yelled out in his dream "Don't say those words to me if they are not real!"

His devastation was evident, is rolled off him in waves that rocked him to his core, 'this can't be happening!'

"It's not fair! Why do these things keep happening!? It's because I'm fucking worthless isn't it?! Because I'm a useless, broken shell of a man! But.. is this what I really deserve?!"

"I love you, Ji"

"NOOOOOOOOO! " he screamed so loud he thought his lungs would explode, he kind of hoped they would.

Waking with a startle, Jiyong was trying to catch his breath and calm his mind 'I can't believe that' he thought looking over his body and around the room.

He was sweating profusely and his heart was pumping so fast it resembled one of his panic attacks, he could feel it now, the pain in his left arm had appeared again, groaning because he knows that the wound would have to be re dressed soon.

Finally after gathering his wits, he took notice of the empty room 'its empty..' the lack of presence weighed heavily on him 'they really don't want to be here' and those few words that swam through his mind were enough to start picking at what was left of his soul. Especially since his hyung had told him he'd never have to deal with this alone again.

'Wait, was that in the dream? Or was it real?' at this point the Jiyong really was convinced he was losing his mind, what was reality?, what was dream? What was hope? He had lost sense of all of them right now.

Sitting upright and putting his head in his hands in defeat the young man, the famous GDragon, was totally lost. He was once so in control, so strong and so powerful in so many ways, and this is what he's become, a love bound, suicidal freak. At least that's what he truly believed to be the truth now.

At that moment a nurse came in to deliver his breakfast, when was the last time he had eaten? Days? Weeks? He doesn't even know. But the physical signs were there, he was weak, had begun to lose muscle mass and had bones protruding from places that were normally covered.

The young lady came in and placed the generic looking food on Jiyong's mobile table, he could see her blush at their closeness, 'but why?' right now he didn't feel like the GDragon everyone recognized and loved, why would she feel anything for this disgusting shell of a man?.

"Where is Seung-Hyun" he asked quietly, hoping desperately for a positive answer

"umm.." she took a moment to think about it "I believe he is still in the waiting room sir"

'oh, he is here.. maybe he does care.' "how long has he been in there?"

"Since you fell asleep last night sir, will that be all? Can I get you something?"

Jiyong had wanted to ask her to either tell the sleeping man to either go home to sleep and eat or ask him to come and see him, but he decided he should probably let the man he cared so much about, sleep.

"No thank you, I don't need anything"

The nurse turn on her heel and left him to sit there with his thoughts, again, and that really wasn't a good idea right now. The hospital had made sure that nothing in the room could be used by him to cut again, so even if he felt the desire there was no way he could.

While drinking his really bad coffee he let his mind wonder to yesterday, he had cried in front of Seung-Hyun and acted so coldly towards him, he's probably only here because he thinks he has to, thought the star. Trying to think about what the two had spoken about was difficult, he was so doped up that it was like trying to remember something from when you were 10, he vaguely remembers calling out to the man 'oh god..'

'what if I told him? Oh god.. fuck..'

"fuck!"

He actually said that aloud, he was pretty much bed ridden so he had no other way to vent is shock and fear at the possible situation. And what was up with his dream? It felt so real, it was so unrealistic but so real at the same time. It hurt so much knowing that those words were all just a figment of his depressed and drugged up imagination.

Waking up on a tiny couch, Seung-Hyun got up and stretched his long sore limbs, kind of wishing that he was at home in his own bed, he got up and checked his phone, 10 missed calls and 6 text messages, all from his band mates. 'Hyung, are you still at the hospital?' from Daesung, he didn't bother checking the others, he knows they're all similar. And he didn't care what they all thought, he wasn't going to leave the hospital and in fact the hospital staff didn't seem to mind his constant presence, they will bring him food and beverages and have let him shower in their locker room too.

Lolling his head back and forth, cracking his neck and releasing some stiffness he was deciding what to do next. Would Jiyong be awake? It was just after 9am after all, he wonders if the young man has eaten, perhaps he should go and see him now.

Before leaving the small room Seung-Hyun quickly typed a reply to Daesung 'Yes I'm still here, no I'm not leaving, thank you for being concerned'. There, done, now he can focus on his Ji again.

Walking down the corridor towards room 22 he stopped at the reception desk to ask if the younger man was awake and if he could go in to see him

"Room 22? Um yes sir the patient is awake you can just go right in"

"Thanks"

This time when he reached the door he did stop to knock

"come in"

He barely heard through the closed door, making his way in he was incredibly happy to see the young man was eating; it was a relief because he looks so sickly right now. Fighting the urge to smile because it might make Jiyong uncomfortable he just walked in and took a seat by his side

"Ji"

'oh no' Jiyong thought 'I don't think I can keep anything down while he is here..' and he stopped eating instantly, that was because he was so nervous whenever his hyung was near him. This was noticed by the older man whose face was once again etched with worry. 'no hyung.. please don't look at me like that'

Would he ever be free of these feelings? None of this would be a problem if he didn't love Seung-Hyun.

"How are you this morning Ji?

Struggling to swallow his mouthful he took the opportunity to think, how was he feeling right now? Or at least before his hyung had made an appearance.

"I um.. I feel okay, my arm isn't so sore today its only bad then they change the dressing.. but I had some strange dreams"

He can no longer keep trying to hide everything from the man he loved, so starting with his dream, he would assess Seung-Hyun's reaction from that.

"Hyung.. in my dream you said.."

He was definitely having second thoughts about this right now, what if he could hear the hope in his voice?

"you said.. that you loved me"

He's now holding his breath awaiting a reply, he'd said it, he confessed his dreams leaving out the part where he'd said that he loved him back and that hearing those words meant more to him then living.

'Fuck! Please say something!' desperately wanting to breathe again and have the older man put him out of his misery.

"Jiyong.. I.. do love you.."

'Fuck, I knew I was... wait what?' not expecting that reply the young man's head shot up to look at the older, he didn't look like Seung-Hyun at the moment, he looked like a tortured soul, found guilty and on death row. Why would he feel guilty? The older man had his head down in what looked like shame 'please Seung.. no.. 'It wasn't supposed to go this way, he was supposed to just say that it wasn't real, that it was all just imagination and dreams, that he didn't love the young man.

'Am I dreaming again? Did I ever really wake up? Did I even live or is this my own personal hell?' mind running frantically Jiyong wasn't even sure if he was alive now, all this hope and all these elated feelings that when returned never seem to be reality.

"Ji?.. Please say something"

"…. I think I'm in my own personal hell, this happened in my dream, but then I woke up broken and lonely, again"

"your own hell, Jiyong? Is it.. really that bad that I have feelings for you?"

"No, it's not. But I know it's not real. I'll just wake up again, maybe and have to deal with you saying it over again in different scenarios. That's why it's hell, because it's never real."

"But it is real, Jiyong, I'm real, I'm here." The older take the stars hand and gently squeezes it, trying to prove to him that he wasn't dreaming this time. His hand was shaking, it matched his soul, shaking and falling apart with each tremor.

…

Sobbing again now the younger man pulled his hand away, he can't do this again, if he had too, he would try to take his life again and would not fail this time. Pulling his hands up and grasping his head he was shaking left and right and rocking back and forth. His own mind was playing tricks on him, it was desperately trying to make him seem happy but it never ended up that way and he always ended up crashing and burning. Even if this was real, he knows he must look like a mad man in an asylum and who could love that? Who could love someone so broken?

"Jiyong stop" he vaguely hears in his mind, his hyung speaking but his eyes were screwed shut in pain and his mind was screaming at him.

"Ji, please!"

Still nothing, there just wasn't anything there and the younger man was screaming in his head that this wasn't real, it wasn't real and he needed to snap out of this right now or it will completely destroy him.

"Jiyong! Look at me now!'

Such authority in that voice, it was so real it that it gave Jiyong goose bumps and make his eyes swell with watery hope and sadness, 'this is it' he thought, this is what would be the end of him. And he supposed that this wouldn't be a bad way to go would it? Dying thinking the man you loved, loved you back? It's only a moment of brief happiness but long enough to be with him until the very end.

….

This was getting bad, he could see his young love slipping away from him, he looks like a shell of who he once was but so long as there is even a tiny bit of life in there; Seung-Hyun wouldn't give up on Jiyong. But what could he do? How could he help? He just wants to help the man be free again, to see him smile and hear him laugh again. Doesn't he know how much he has to live for?

"Ji… Please" he begged this time, his heart was breaking at the sigh,t maybe he should dive in head first and wrap the young man in a hug? Make him feel the reassurance and the love and care he has to offer.

'Fuck it' he thought and leaned in and pulled the young man easily out of his trance and onto his lap, it was not without struggle though as Jiyong fought hard to find release, flailing hard against his hyung, limps flying and arms desperately trying to find some leverage.

"NO! LET GO OF ME! YOU DON"T LOVE ME! THIS ISN'T REAL" he yelled so loud in Seung-Hyun's face, but that didn't help, the older man refused to let go. He couldn't let go, if he did he knew the man would find a way to end his life and he couldn't, no, wouldn't live with that.

"Ji! Please stop, I told you I loved you and.."

"No! That's a lie! Why would you love me back! I'm Disgusting! Look at me!"

"Stop! That's not true Ji! Please believe me!"

"I can't, I can't be believe a lie! It hurts too mu…"

Seung-Hyun had heard enough, enough pain in his voice and enough doubt for a life time! He made a snap decision that he hoped, would not backfire. Taking a quick breath in an attempt to steady his thumping heart he did something he's waited a long time to do and something that he prayed would help this situation.

Seung-Hyun leaned down and planted a light kiss onto Jiyong's trembling lips.

'fuck! I can't believe I just did that'

A/N

Soooo guys, Chapter 5 is done and dusted! What do you think? I actually got it done faster then I thought I would, which is awesome! Thank you for taking the time to read this, as always I hope you enjoyed it!

Much love, Jeddy