Scarred Chapter 6

Jiyong's mind went blank but his heart swelled with love and desire, was this real? He had never had dreams as vivid as this before, never have they been this realistic. Seung-Hyun's lips were so warm and soft and easy to kiss, if this was a dream, he didn't want it to end.

Riding out what Jiyong thought was a dream, he decided to kiss back, the heated contact between the two men was getting heavy and the younger man wrapped his right and uninjured arm around the older man, he felt welcomed, it was very familiar and settled his slightly wavering nerves. To him this was perfect, he was seated exactly where he knew he needed to be, in Seung-Hyun's lap and the passionate act they were performing made hot tears well in his eyes and trickle down his swollen cheeks. This was perfect.
The kiss deepened and became more frantic as both men realized they wanted more, they wanted to feel more of each other and attempt to force their shared emotions onto one another, to show each other that what they were feeling was real, that this was what each of them wanted.

Seung-Hyun pushed one last kiss onto the younger man and pulled away when he felt Jiyong's tears hit his face

"Ji"

…

Even though he felt Jiyong push back just as passionately as he had, his tears made him fear he had made the wrong decision suddenly kissing his younger. Was this what Ji really wanted? He knows the younger man had confessed his love but how could the older man be sure that it's real? Jiyong is currently in the mental health care ward in hospital for self-harm and attempted suicide, maybe all of this is just confusion. Even thinking those words made the older man's heart grow heavy.

"Ji.. I'm so sor…"

"Hyung.." Seung-Hyun was cut off by Jiyong who was looking at his arm that was placed around his Hyung's neck, he felt the urge to fiddle with his fingers he was so nervous.

Jiyong was at a loss for words, this seemed to be real but if it was, what was he supposed to say?

JIYONG

'Why did he stop? Did he change his mind? Doesn't he love me like he said he did? There's no way he would toy with me like that would he?'
It was different in his dreams, Seung-Hyun's personality was always a little different because it was all something that Jiyong had made up in his sleep state, that's why he never held any of his dream rejections against Seung-Hyun, because he knew they weren't real but this time is different, this time it is real and Jiyong knows he won't survive and real life rejection from the one thing he wants the most in the world.

Desperately wanting to fidget and look anywhere but at his beloved, Jiyong was looking for the right words to describe how what just happened made him feel and what happens next. When his clouded thoughts were interrupted by the sweetest sound the young man knows, Seung-Hyun's voice.

"Jiyong.."

There was a pause and it only made Jiyong more nervous about what he could only assume as being the rejection he cannot bare to hear

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to.."

Another pause, 'didn't mean to? Didn't he want to kiss me? Was he just doing it to try and make me feel better?' Jiyong's heart fell into his stomach, this was really it, all of this wasn't real.

"Ji, I'm sorry if I scared you, and if I forced myself onto you.. I thought it was what you wanted and I just can't see you cry anymore Ji.. I really do love you and I hope you can forgive me"

Seung-Hyun's words all came out in a rush, like he was scared to say those words but if they were true then..

"why did you stop then?"

The younger man dared to look up at the older, what he saw on his Hyung's face was sadness and confusion and love? Maybe, but Jiyong can't really tell right now. 'What about my question is confusing?'

"Why did I stop what Ji?" asked Seung-hyun who honestly looked like he wasn't sure what he'd done.

Jiyong's heart was beating rapidly in his chest; did he really have to say the words out loud? Among all his current feelings did embarrassment have to be added to the list?

"why did you.. Stop kissing me?"

There, he'd said it feeling betrayed by his bright red face he looked away, not knowing if he could handle his hyung's reaction.

SEUNG-HYUN

"Why did you.. stop kissing me?"

He watched as the younger man hid his face in shame at the question 'don't hide your face from me baby' he thought as he was looking down. He could feel the man's arm wrapped around his neck still but it seemed much more hesitant now, like it wanted to pull away, he wouldn't let it. He knows he needs to make Jiyong feel safe and secure and loved, cherished and wanted. He needs to make sure that his love knows and believe that this, his feelings for Jiyong, are real.

"I stopped because I felt your tears Ji, I thought I had made a mistake and that you didn't want me to kiss you.. I thought.."

Seung-Hyun's words were cut short by a pair of sweet lips, plump and swollen like his cheeks and puffy eyes 'He really does want this too'

Seung-Hyun pulled the younger man tighter and closer to him as he deepened the kiss again this time, met with no resistance he slipped his tongue through his lips, seeking acceptance from Jiyong and it was immediate. He let his tongue explore the hot cavern that was presented to him, playfully attacking Jiyong's tongue in the process. The young man tasted sweet and musky and it was intoxicating, his heart melted and his mind went to mush as the hearty combination of taste, smell and touch finally connected in his brain.

This was all he needed; he needed Jiyong, in his arms where the young man belonged, draped and protected by the older man who will never again allow such pain to befall his loved one. Jiyong will never have to feel alone again 'I will be all the support he will ever need', and he meant it, of course he knows that Jiyong has many people who care for him and about his wellbeing but Seung-Hyun will stop at nothing to make sure that Jiyong is safe and happy.

Breaking the kiss they both sat completely content, breathing heavy they just enjoyed the weight of each other.

But what happens now? Where do they go from here? Making it official means telling their families, both their mums expect grandchildren from them at some point, 'perhaps we'll adopt' thought the older man. And what about Jiyong's career? Everyone knows that papa YG is grooming Ji to take over the company, would he still have that opportunity? 'oh god.. what will we be getting into, this could destroy everything he's worked for'.

Both men lost in thought about what happens now that they have both confessed when a knock at Jiyong's door stole their attention, a quick glance at each other and panic spiked through them, they were in a very compromising position with Ji being cradled in Seung-Hyun's lap. They couldn't be seen like this, not yet, it would cause way too much drama, drama that Jiyong didn't need on his plate right now.

Jiyong leaped off his hyung as quickly as he could without hurting himself, Seung-Hyun of course helping him off too and in barely a moment Ji was back lying down and his hyung on the chair beside his bed.
The door creaked open and an older woman walked in with a solemn look on her aged face, it was Jiyong's mum, she was a very little woman but she carried herself well, considering all things, she actually intimidated Seung-Hyun knowing that someday soon he would have to explain to her that he, a man, wanted to be in a relationship with her famous son.

"Mrs Kwon.. I'll leave you two be, I'll see you later Ji" he patted Jiyong's hand upon standing up, trying to assure him that he'll be okay while he was gone.

"Thank you, Seung-Hyun. I really appreciate that you have been here for my son"

Nodding at her then stalks out of the room, leaving his new found love in search of something to keep him occupied while Ji's mother visited the younger man.

While walking to the waiting room, thinking that he really needs to eat and shower, one of Jiyong's nurses stopped him in his tracks

"Mr. Choi, we have spoken to Mr. Kwon's mother and Explained that Jiyong can be released tonight, on the premise that he be released into someone's care. Its for his safety, he can leave but he cannot be alone"

The man wondered why she would be telling him this, not that he isn't glad that Jiyong can leave, he knows that NO ONE likes to be in hospital, with the 2 hourly checks and constant beeping of all the monitoring machines it's enough to drive anyone crazy.

Seeing the puzzled look on the man's face, the nurse continued

"Mrs. Kwon believes that he should be released into your care, she is unsure if being with her is the right thing for him and, well, you have been here since he got here so she thinks that you're the better option"

'wow' he's in disbelief "Really? What with I have to do?"

"Not much Mr. Choi, we will be sending out an RDNS nurse (Royal district nurse service) every day to tend to his wounds, they are still very susceptible to infection. What you'll need to do is just monitor him you see, make sure you know where he is at all times for a while, keep an eye on his mood swings and notify us if he becomes unstable again etc."

"I can do that." Without hesitation he replied. Of course he could look after Ji!

It was now 5:30pm and Seung-Hyun was helping Jiyong gather all his belongings, not that there was much of it, being on suicide watch means that any and all communication outlets were forbidden so there were no cellphones, tablets, laptops etc. basically they were there to gather his clothes.

"come on Ji." The older man offered his hand to the younger to help him out of the hospital room.

Jiyong was nervous but elated, how his mum was the one to suggest that he be released into his hyungs care is still a mystery to him! Not that he minds of course, he knew he wouldn't be allowed to go home and be alone, he was suicidal, not stupid.

All of this was weighing so heavily on him though, his hyung, his love, his skills and talent, his stardom and fans. How will all of this piece together?
His stomach twisted at the thought and he subconsciously moved his right hand to his left arm that was still tightly bound by the bandages. This didn't go unnoticed by Seung-Hyun who took off his jacket and wrapped it tightly around the younger man, Ji jolted at the touch but lavished and welcomed it, his hyung smelled so good, despite being in hospital so long and the younger briefly wondered if Seung-Hyun had even eaten in those few days.

The two walked side by side to Seung-Hyun's car, it was a private hospital and luckily the media hadn't found out that the biggest star in South Korea was in the mental health unit in hospital as a result of a failed suicide attempt. This meant that the older man could lead the younger to his car without the paparazzi snapping and photos, they were both fighting the urge to hold hands, but they knew the risk of being spotted was high, now outside the hospital and in full view of the public eye even if it was now the evening and dark outside.

The drive back to Jiyong's house was silent, not uncomfortable but Jiyong had this guilty feeling in the core of his stomach and his chest tightened as they drew near the house 'this is it, were going to be alone together.. what if I make him hate me? What if he resents me for this, not now, but maybe later? What if he doesn't want to take care of me?'

Thoughts like these plagued him, rolling around his mind like an endless loop of painful jabs at himself, and he can't stop them, he can't control them. That's what got him into this mess to begin with and now that he's outside the safety of his hospital room they've come flooding back with a vengeance.
His heart rate spiked and his breathing accelerated as they passed through the big iron gates and drove up to the house, he took a second to remember why he brought this house, it was beautiful. But that wasn't enough to stem his nerves, he couldn't help but wonder what they'll do when they get inside.

Seung-Hyun's mind was also racing, though he looked calm on the outside on the inside his heart was pounding too, he took the time during their car ride to Jiyong's house to think of a mental checklist for when they arrived, first on the list was to get Ji settled in and feeling as safe and relaxed as possible, he made the decision days ago to wait on this man hand and foot til he was well enough to do things himself and also to show Jiyong that he was loved and cherished and that he certainly wasn't alone.

Swiftly getting out of the car to open the legendary G-Dragon's door for him, he threw his arm around him and pulled him into his side protectively before closing the door and taking Jiyong inside.
closing the door to the house behind him, he let the younger man look around and adjust to being back in his home, where when he was last there he had tried to kill himself.

The younger man looked so ghostly standing there, pale, looking around wearing his hyung's jacket that was far to big, it broke the older man's heart to see the man he loved in this state. 'I'll fix this'.

"Ji.. I know its late but.. would you like something to eat or drink?" Seung-Hyun suggested lightly, comfortable was what he aimed for, but he didn't want to make the other man feel weak.

"hmm" came short and lowly from the younger man.

'Is that a yes? I think ill just go make some tea and something light to eat for him', he knew the younger man needed to eat, he looked far to small and frail for somebody his size, he knew that Jiyong had lost weight eating only that hospital food.

"Come on Ji, we'll go relax in the kitchen, I'm hungry too so ill just make us both something"

Jiyong looked up at him and nodded in agreement, Seung-Hyun was glad Ji didn't fight him on this, he needed to keep a close eye on him this soon out of hospital. Making a mental note that the kitchen held knives, that made him nervous but as long as he was here, he wouldn't let anything else like this happened to Ji ever again. As those thoughts appeared in his mind, his hand automatically found their way to his pocket, where the blade that G-Dragon had used to try to kill himself with still lay after he picked it up from the bathroom floor. 'I definitely need a shower' and he was right he hadn't had one in days.

Leading Ji to the bar stool in the kitchen the younger man took a seat and began to watch the handsome taller man work his way around his kitchen.

"Thank you, Seung-Hyun" he heard over the boiling kettle he just filled up.

Looking over to the young star, love welled in his eyes "Anytime Ji, I'll always be here" he smiled reassuringly at the star and quickly began busying himself pouring boiled water into mugs where the tea bags lay and waited to steep.

In the fridge where he obviously went to find milk for their tea, he looked around in it quickly to see what he could find to make into some sort of meal for the pair, as expected their wasn't much, he had called Youngbae yesterday evening and asked him to get some stuff for the house, just some basics for Ji for when he got home. The young man had done exactly what he'd asked for and although there wasn't much, he could work with basics. Making another mental note to call the sweet younger man to thank him and to let him and the others know that Ji is home and safe in his care, but he decided to do that tomorrow and just focus on Ji for tonight.

Using a spoon, he pulled out the tea bag and added some sugar and stirred before pouring the milk, making light work of all of this despite his nerves he took both the mugs and took them over to Jiyong,

"here Ji" he gave the younger man the mug as he sat beside him on another stool, it felt so wholesome to be here beside the star knowing he was finally safe and in the comfort of his own home.

Jiyong took the mug gingerly from his hyung and took a sip, Seung-hyung saw a wave of relaxation wash over the man, it was a pleasing sight to say the least, he knew he must have done a good job with the tea. This is what he wanted, now though, should he make Jiyong something to eat or would he want to do something else?.

Seung-Hyun has to shut his thoughts down immediately as they had taken a wayward direction that sent a delicious bolt through his body, he pushed any kinky thoughts of the other man down, along with the guilt. It isn't as if he would act on these thoughts and he would never, ever, take advantage of Jiyong.

"So, how are you feeling Ji? I'm sure it's good to finally be home. I know I'm glad you're out now and I'll let the other know tomorrow" he told Jiyong with a smile, it was genuine but not too much as to patronize the younger man.

The younger man looked over to his hyung, feeling terribly guilty that the other man had to stay here and baby sit him, he'd be lying to himself if he said he wasn't glad that it was his hyung to took on this role, but since it was Seung-Hyun, he would make sure to do his best to recover and not be a burden. Though, he can't stop his mind from filling with the words 'I love you, Jiyong' and he knew this time that those words weren't a dream, and the kiss, the older mans lips were so soft and tender and pull of care and passion, both of which were meant just for him.
His mind raced with all the thoughts of the last few days, it seems as though everything he wanted was finally coming together, but, how long will Seung-Hyun stay by his side? He's almost sure that his hyung loves him in return the same way he does but he can't help but wonder how long it'll last. Now, again waves of anguish are crushing against him as doubt has yet again settled its way in.

He began shaking again, unable to stop or control his thoughts or emotions, he wished it was all cease for good.

"Ji, are you okay?" he heard over the humming of his own thoughts, 'Hyung must be able to see me trembling' this made him feel so awful, he certainly doesn't want to worry the man anymore then he already has.

"ah Hyung, yes I'm okay" he made eye contact and tried to reassure the older man, and himself. But he still felt so raw and open and broken, like he was exposed in every manner and it was very difficult to keep that from showing. Wanting to feel better Jiyong set his mug down on the bench and moved himself and the stool over to be closer to Seung-Hyun, their arms made contact and his hyung jolted lightly and watched the younger man move across until they were not even separated by a millimeter

"Sorry hyung, for this and everything else.. but…" he stopped and looked down, obvious to even himself that embarrassment was very visible on him, years of being in BIGBANG had proved that time and time again. "My body feels better when… I'm close to you"
His heart thumped in his chest at the confession he had just made and prayed to god that he wouldn't be rejected or mocked.

It felt like now was the time, now or never but his nerves have him all kinds of messed up, pulling every ounce of courage left in himself and he knew it wasn't much, he turned toward the other man and using both hands to cup both of his cheeks he planted a heavy kiss onto Seung-Hyun's sweet, soft lips. 'FUCK! What am I thinking!'

He felt the older man tense and relax into the kiss and even though his mind was racing and telling him to run, when he felt Seung-Hyung kiss back with equal amounts of passion he forced himself to continue, continue chasing when his heart, mind and body desired.

Both men deepening the kiss, Jiyong slid off his stool and pushed himself against his hyung, this earned the younger man a hum of appreciation, his body became hot and each touch of the older man made his skin sting with pure desire. Releasing their lips but not letting go, the men were panting and crashed their foreheads together for stability.

"Hyung.. arh.. please" came out in pants.

He looked deep into the older man's eyes, also cloudy with desire and willed him to understand what it was that he wanted.

Leaning his lips forward and not knowing how this is happening or what's controlling him, he bit Seung-Hyun's lip, in return Seung-Hyun growled low in his throat that made his dick ache. Moving ever so slowly down to Seung-Hyun's jaw, nipping and licking and sucking his way up to the older man's earlobe, he took a quick nip at his lobe, and before he knew it, his desire had taken over and the words fell out of his mouth dripping with lust, before his brain could intervene.

"Hyung.. "The words barely a whisper
"Fuck me, make me yours"

Thank you for taking the time to read!, let me know what you think!

Much love, Jeddy