Chapter 17

Rey lay in her bed, staring up at her canopy, unable to sleep. An unexpected loneliness had plagued her ever since Ben had left. When Beatrice had asked if she would be dining in in the dining room, she had declined, not wishing to endure sitting alone at a large empty table. Rose had come to provide distraction and companionship, but Rey had eventually claimed exhaustion. Her friend had not pushed her to speak, but, nonetheless, Rey wished to be left alone with her thoughts. Rose had left her with a concerned look over her shoulder and a promise from Rey to call if she needed to speak.

Now Rey lay awake in the large empty bed trying to make sense of the day. It had started no differently than previous days at the Skywalker manor, but had she known ahead of time what the day would hold, she may have opted to remain in bed. So much had happened in so little time, it left her head spinning.

Rey could scarcely wrap her mind around the finality of Luke's death without adding the kissing between her and Ben, which itself had left her feeling a strange mixture of elation, confusion, and loneliness. She tried not to dwell on Ben's departure, but her mind kept circling back to it, no matter how much she attempted to distract herself. Confusion had been her constant companion these days, however, much to her surprise, the more she replayed the moment Ben left, the more clarity she gained regarding her feelings on the matter.

For reasons as yet undiscovered, Rey felt keenly the sting of abandonment by Ben. Though she had been married for several months, she had never before shared a bed. Truth be told, she had not given the idea of sharing a bed with her husband much thought, and the strange intimacy she had found in those quiet moments lying next to Ben had worked on her heart. She had felt a pull towards him, both emotionally and physically, and now, after a scant week of sharing a bed with him, she felt his absence acutely.

She found herself feeling chilled, pulling the blankets closer, noticing the absence of body heat from Ben. Oddly, Rey felt swallowed in a large bed that was precisely the same size as the one she had in her own room. As well, there was a strange ache in her heart, that loneliness of abandonment she had not felt since she was a very small girl left in the charge of Mr. Plutt.

Rey did not take lightly the kisses shared between them earlier in the day. She felt as if a piece of herself had been given to Ben in those moments, and his leaving her behind so suddenly felt akin to a rejection of her. She knew this was likely a silly notion, and tried to talk herself out of feeling it, but the feeling persisted.

Rey had been left alone in a home still unfamiliar to her, with a family that, while certainly kind, also remained largely unfamiliar. She was left behind, expected to help provide solace to those she had only just formed relationship with, while her husband ignored his own duty to both mourn and comfort his family.

The more time she spent turning these ideas over, the more Rey's abandonment and loneliness turned towards anger. She had been trying to help mend Ben's relationship with his family, to get him to admit that he was feeling bereft at his uncle's passing, and in return he had kissed her and then left her.

Rey's hands fisted against the sheets as she began seething at these realizations. She had kissed no one other than her husband and he had treated her as if he did not care. She turned over, curling her knees towards her chest. They had made great strides in their relationship prior to today. Rey had begun to believe it possible that she find companionship with her husband. He had been cordial with her, one might also say he had been attentive. Now, however, it would seem she had been presumptuous in thinking so.

She huffed, squeezing her eyes shut, willing her mind to calm, for sleep to find her. She had no idea what state she would find Ben in when she returned to the estate the following day, but she did not intend to let these slights go unmentioned.

Though she was up well into the night, Rey woke early the next morning. Her sleep had been fitful at best, as she had vacillated all night between anger and anxiety at confronting her husband.

Once she was certain sleep would not be returning, Rey dragged herself out of bed. She went over to the bell pull, wondering if Beatrice would even be awake, as the sun was only just then beginning to peak over the horizon. Several minutes later, however, Beatrice arrived with Rose close behind her.

Rey tried to smile, but could not force it. Instead she turned to Beatrice, her voice sounding hollow to her own ears as she said, "I would like to leave as soon as possible."

Beatrice curtsied. "Of course, ma'am."

Beatrice and Rose shared a glance before Rose walked towards the closet. "I can help pack while you ready Her Grace, Beatrice."

Beatrice nodded as she also walked to the closet and came back with a black gown. Rose worked quickly at folding Rey's dresses, shoes, and other accoutrements into the trunk as Beatrice helped Rey into her dress and set about arranging Rey's hair.

"Nothing complicated please," Rey said.

Beatrice nodded, pulling Rey's hair into a simple knot. When she was finished, Rey stood, trying not to fidget as she faced the two women.

"I-I believe I'll go on ahead, if you don't mind. You can follow after you've packed and have eaten breakfast."

The women again shared a glance before they both curtsied. As Rey walked towards the door, Rose called out to her.

Rey stopped and turned.

"I hope you know that I am here to speak, should you wish it," Rose said, concern coloring her expression.

The corners of Rey's mouth turned up. "Yes, I am, thank you. You're a very good friend, Rose."

Rose pressed her lips together and nodded before stepping away.

Rey continued out the door and down the stairs. She stopped a passing servant in the quiet hallway and requested a carriage be brought around for her.

It was only as she exited the manor that she realized she had left her coat, gloves, and hat inside in her haste to return home. She shivered slightly in the chill morning air as the footman helped her inside the carriage.

The ride home felt much longer than the initial ride to the Skywalker estate. The closer they drew to her home, the more trepidation Rey felt for her plan to confront Ben. She swallowed as she stared out the window, and reminded herself of her reasons for being angry with him, that she was justified in her opinions and wishes. Nevertheless, she found herself anxiously biting her nails, something she had not done for many years.

When the carriage finally pulled into the drive of the estate, Rey felt a sense of homecoming, which took her entirely by surprise. She wasn't sure at what point this enormous house had become her home, but the thought only added to her ire towards her husband.

The carriage came to a stop and Rey opened the door, too anxious to wait for the footman to help her down. She picked up her skirt and hurried up the stairs into the house. Without pausing, she continued up the staircase and towards Ben's room. She did not know if this was where she would find him, but seeing as Mr. Mitaka had not been present to ask, she figured this was the best place to start.

Rey approached the door and knocked loudly. She waited, anxiously listening for any sign of movement within the room. After several seconds, she knocked again. She thought she could discern the sound of feet padding across the floor, but couldn't be certain it wasn't her own mind playing tricks on her. She was just about to give up and search elsewhere when the door flew open and she was met with the furious glare of her husband.

They both recoiled in shock, Rey at the wrath she found staring back at her. As well, it did not escape her notice that Ben did not look well. He had dark circles under his eyes and looked generally disheveled. She wondered if he had also had a difficult time with sleep. Her courage began to waiver as she took in his appearance, but Rey took a deep breath and charged onward.

"You left me, sir," she said, hands balled into fists, trying to put all her anger into those four words.

The fury had drained from Ben's expression, now replaced with mild surprise. He opened his mouth to respond, but Rey continued on.

"You abandoned me. You left me without thinking how I would feel." Rey cursed silently at the catch in her voice.

"I-" Ben tried to interject but Rey held up a hand.

"Do you think that I have kissed many men before you, sir? Because I can assure that I have not. I do not take lightly," she said, her voice shaking as she enunciated each word, "the kisses we have exchanged, nor the friendship we had only just formed. I do not take lightly that I had misinterpreted your actions and apologized for them. Prior to my marriage to you, I had only Rose. Before Mr. Plutt and I moved here I had no one. No friend. No lover. The significance of my role as mistress of this manor, the fact that I am now the Duchess of Ren, does not escape me. I do not know what I have done in my life to have deserved more wealth than I can scarcely dream of, but I do not take it lightly!"

Despite her wish not to, Rey's voice began to rise and she began to shake. "I was present with you at your uncle's passing not because I enjoy the company of your family, but because I wanted to be there for you, to help you. But you…you brushed me off. Your kisses were the first I have ever shared, and when I sought to point out that it was not the proper time for such things, you rejected me and you abandoned me in a house of mourning, with relatives I barely know." Much to her consternation, Rey felt tears slipping down her cheeks. This left her only further incensed.

"Rey-" Ben looked dismayed as he reached a hand towards her. She shook her head and took a step back.

"No. I…I'm far too angry." Her voice waivered as the anger she had been harboring began to fade away, leaving her with her disappointment and loneliness once more. She swiped at the tears on her cheeks, feeling her face flaming now that she had said everything out loud.

Shaking her head, she raised her chin and said, "I should like to be left alone for the time being."

An emotion passed through Ben's expression before he slowly nodded. "If that is what you wish."

Rey swallowed, and then turned towards the door to her own room, scant feet from his. After closing the door behind her, she leaned against it, pressing a hand to her mouth as she struggled to stop the tears streaming down her face. Now that her anger had passed, she wondered if she had admitted too much.

The days passed slowly. As they were in mourning, Rey's lessons had been cancelled, as had the remodeling of the drawing room and the planning of her charity. Rey was relieved to note that Ben had at least dressed in mourning. She was not sure what she would have done had he forgone it, though she supposed it was likely he only did so to avoid adding further scandal to the family.

Rey had not realized how used to her colorful wardrobe she had become until she was forced into nothing but black. She supposed the cuts of the gowns were still pretty, but she felt the color made her look drawn and pale. When she realized this line of thinking, however, she immediately berated herself for her vanity. It was not for nothing that she was wearing these gowns, and she could only be glad that Princess Leia and Mr. Solo were not privy to her thoughts.

She and Ben attended the funeral, but spoke little. In fact, Rey had seen very little of Ben in the days following her outburst. He had taken to eating in his study, and Rey was left to dine alone with Rose. The ride to the church was silent, and though they stood next to one another in the receiving line, neither uttered a word.

However, when Rey chanced a glance and caught Ben looking at her, it was not anger or indifference she caught in his eyes. Rather, he almost seemed to be contemplative. Another mourner came to offer condolences before Rey could give it further thought, and she was forced to focus on the task before her.

Several days after the funeral, Rey was reading in the library when a throat cleared. Looking up, she saw Ben standing in the doorway.

"I wonder if you might do me the honor of accompanying me on a picnic." His voice seemed deeper than usual, and also slightly hesitant.

Rey stared a moment, shocked, before nodding her head. As she set her book aside and rose, a thought occurred to her.

"Aren't we in mourning?"

Ben nodded. "We shan't go off the grounds. The estate is rather large."

Rey nodded back. Suddenly feeling awkward, she found herself fidgeting as she walked towards him. He offered her his arm and after a moment's hesitation, Rey accepted it, placing her hand in the crook of his elbow. She chanced a glance towards him, but could not discern what he was thinking. A picnic seemed a strange request after their long quarrel. As well, she began to wonder if she should not have said yes to the idea. Ben had not yet apologized or made any other overtures towards her in the week they had been home.

When they walked outside, Rey saw two saddled horses. She looked at Ben in question.

"I thought we weren't leaving the estate."

Ben pressed his lips together, what appeared to be, surprisingly, mirth shining in his eyes. "I did say the estate was rather large."

Rey looked back at the horses, embarrassment blooming. "I'm afraid I don't know how to ride."

Ben paused, a look of dismay on his face, before he cleared his throat. "No matter. You can ride with me."

Rey's heart leapt into her throat at the thought, but she nodded. Ben grasped her hand and strode over to the horses. Rey bit her lip at the jolt that went through her body at the small contact between them. Once in front of the larger of the two horses, he hesitated a moment, swallowing, before he turned abruptly and grasped Rey by the waist, lifting her onto the horse and swinging up behind her. Rey's breathing became shallow as Ben wrapped an arm around her middle to hold her in place as they started forward.

Her heart started beating rapidly, and she willed it to calm. It was difficult to do so, however, with Ben's hand around her waist and his chest pressed against her back. She could feel his breath against her ear as they rode in silence. She resisted the urge to lean into him, trying to concentrate on not sliding off the saddle, on the scenery around her, on anything but the man behind her. She even tried to focus on the reasons they were quarreling, but it remained difficult when her pulse raced with something that was most certainly not anger.

They had not ridden ten minutes when Ben stopped the horse underneath a willow tree next to a large pond. He swung down immediately, reaching up to grasp Rey by the waist once more. As he lowered her, she slid against his chest. Rey's eyes blinked rapidly, heat blooming on her cheeks at the contact. Her gaze snagged with his. Ben's eyes were dark with emotion and Rey swallowed, the moment feeling decidedly heady.

Suddenly, Ben cleared his throat, removing his hands from her waist and walking over to the opposite side of the horse to unstrap the basket of food. Rey wandered to the edge of the pond and took in the scenery around her. It really was quite a lovely spot. The branches of the willow blew in the slight breeze, brushing across the top of the pond, creating ripples which disappeared as they headed towards the center.

Rey tried to appreciate the beauty around her, but found herself distracted by her own anxious thoughts. She turned towards the tree, where Ben had laid a blanket and was carefully setting the items for their luncheon out. The simple act felt so out of place for a Duke that she could not help finding the sight endearing. She wondered how often Ben had had occasion to do things without the help of a servant.

He glanced up then, they gazes snagging once more. Rey first tried to will herself to look away and, when that failed, she tried unsuccessfully to discern what emotions were hiding behind Ben's eyes. It was he who broke the stare first, climbing to his feet and walking towards her. He offered his hand without word and Rey grasped it, hesitantly, feeling another jolt run through her at the contact.

As they sat, Rey looked at the spread before them. It was simple fair, sandwiches, cheese, fruits, and wine. She thought it might be the simplest meal she had had since becoming a duchess.

Ben cleared his throat, gesturing towards the food. "Please."

Rey nodded, grabbing a plate and filling it. They ate in awkward silence, both looking out at the branches of willow swinging in the breeze.

After several minutes, Ben set down his half-eaten plate. Rey thought she saw his hand shake, but immediately dismissed it as a trick of light.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I've asked you here."

Rey paused, a piece of fruit halfway to her mouth, and then nodded, setting the fruit, and her plate, on the ground as Ben took a deep breath.

"I wanted to apologize for my behavior the day of Luke's death," Ben said.

Rey's eyebrows rose and she opened her mouth to reply, but Ben held up a hand.

"Please – I…I have quite a lot I wish to say and I would beg you allow me to say it before you speak."

Rey closed her mouth and nodded, her curiosity piqued.

Ben's eyes flicked between hers, as if to gauge her reaction before he continued.

His eyes dropped to the blanket before them as he said, "I have loved you from the moment you lifted your skirts in defiance that day by the stream." Rey's heart leapt into her throat as he lifted his eyes to her then.

"I knew there could be no other woman better suited for me than you," he continued. "When I was ordered to marry, I met the news with disdain, but that moment by the stream breathed hope into my future. I attended my parents' ball only to see you, to speak with you."

He hesitantly reached a hand over and grabbed hold of hers as he spoke, his thumb brushing the top of her hand, his voice soft. "When we danced, you took my breath away. I have never been known for my conversational skills, but being around you made every thought fly straight out of my head. With every word out of your mouth, I knew there could be no other for me but you."

He looked away, looking over her shoulder then. "Were I a decent man, I would have asked for your hand myself instead of going to your guardian first. That day by the stream, when he called to you, I wondered what situation you were in, whether you might have been in danger." His expression hardened then, his grip on her hand tightening.

"I inquired around town as to the manner of your relationship with Mr. Plutt. When I learned of your situation, became my greatest desire to save you from that life." He looked at her once more. "It was why I demanded the wedding take place so quickly. In hindsight, I realize that only added to the scandal regarding our marriage, but I could not bear to let you stay in such a situation for a moment longer than absolutely necessary."

He swallowed again, taking a deep breath before he continued. "Once we were married, I…I'm ashamed to say that I took the coward's way out and avoided you. I always said the wrong thing, or did not speak when I should have. Your very presence made me quite nervous. The night of Lady Holdo's ball, you took my very breath away."

Rey could not help the smile that brightened her face. Ben's shoulders relaxed slightly as he continued. "When we met Captain Dameron, I am embarrassed to admit that I became quite jealous. That is why I forbade you from seeing him. I kissed you that night because I…I could not help it. I needed the reassurance that you were truly mine."

Rey's heart skipped a beat at his admission. Ben had leaned closer, reaching out to cup his palm on Rey's cheek.

"Those weeks I was absent were the hardest of my life. I have never been so happy to return to the countryside as I was that day."

His thumb stroked across her cheek.

"Seeing you with Captain Dameron, I –" Ben took a deep breath. "I over reacted. I let fear and jealousy overtake my common sense, did not consider that such accusations were a slight against your honor. And when you told me you wanted us to be friends, it was all I could do not to rage, because I want so much more than that."

Rey placed her hand over his on her cheek. Ben inhaled shakily before continuing.

"Despite my own wishes on the matter, I was determined to uphold yours. When you kissed me that terrible day Luke died, I dared hope again of a future in which you returned my love. Had we been anywhere else, at any other time, I would have admitted my love right then."

His voice lowered, his gaze piercing hers with its intensity. "I have done everything wrong since the moment I met you, but I sincerely hope you can forgive me for all those wrongs, and especially for the way I left you that night."

He stopped then, waiting her answer. Rey's mind raced, trying to make sense of the jumbled emotions that accompanied Ben's admissions.

"You love me?" she whispered.

Ben's thumb brushed across her lips, his eyes trailing the movement. "I love you very much, I'm afraid."

Rey inhaled sharply and then shakily exhaled, swallowing as she moved her hand to grasp Ben's wrist, pulling his hand from her face. His expression fell and the corners of Rey's mouth turned upwards as she leaned forward, pressing her lips to his.

Pulling back before Ben could respond, Rey whispered, "Despite all the wrong words and deeds, you have somehow managed to ensnare my heart, sir."

Ben pulled back, his eyes roaming all over her face, likely looking for any signs that she was speaking in jest. Rey picked up his hand again, placing it over her heart. Time seemed to pause as they looked at one another. Rey's heart felt full to bursting at Ben's admission. That he had been in love with her this whole time sent her back through her memories, trying to discern if there were signs she had missed. She looked at him, her voice wavering as she spoke.

"All is forgiven and my heart is yours."

Ben returned her look with a mixture of love and disbelief.

Rey was not sure which one of them moved first, but they both surged forward, pressing their lips together. Rey wrapped her arms around Ben's neck as he placed one hand on her waist and the other in her hair, pulling her onto is lap.

Ben deepened the kiss, reaching up and pulling pins out of Rey's hair, so that it spilled down her back. He tilted his head to the side, to fit their mouths together better, combing his fingers through her hair.

Rey's heart felt as if it were going to jump out of her chest as she ran her own hands through Ben's hair, her nails scraping against the back of his neck. The hand on her waist tightened, pulling her closer before Ben's hands came up on either side of her jaw, holding her steady as he continued pouring his love into her.

They remained this way for quite some time before Rey pulled back. They both breathed heavily, staring into each other.

"I have one question," Rey whispered as Ben's thumbs brushed over her jaw.

Ben nodded his head.

Rey felt a blush creeping up, but forced herself to ask, "Our wedding night…Why…" she cleared her throat. "If you've loved me for so long, why did you not seek to consummate our marriage that night?"

Ben didn't answer right away, pulling back further, his eyes seeming to search hers. She glanced down at his lips, finding them red and swollen, and wondered if hers looked the same.

"I could hardly force myself on someone as terrified as you were that night."

Ben spoke softly and Rey's eyes flicked back up at his admission.

"It did not escape my notice that you were terrified from the moment I saw you at the church. Your hand shook in mine throughout the reception. When you spoke at your door and I turned, I could see the panic in your eyes. What kind of man would I have been had I forced myself upon you?"

At that moment, Rey was more certain of her love for Ben than she had ever been about anything. She reached a hand up to cup his cheek.

"I have never been more ashamed of my presumptions and misjudgments."

Ben didn't respond except to lean forward to kiss her again. Rey wondered idly if a more perfect moment were possible. The feel of Ben kissing her, knowing he loved her and that she loved him in return, the breeze blowing the willow branches, the tree providing a perfect cocoon around them, shielding them from view of the rest of the world.

Rey poured her heart into kissing Ben, willing him to believe that she loved him in return. Her heart ached as she thought of the young boy who had known nothing but rejection from loved ones, whose heart had always ached to be loved.

This time it was Ben who pulled back, leaning his forehead on hers for a moment before wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug. Rey leaned her head against his chest, returning the hug, neither speaking. Without letting her go, Ben laid back, tucking her to his side, her head on his chest as he ran his fingers through her hair once more.

They lay that way, watching the willow branches blow, until the sun started to descend below the horizon. Only then did Ben shift, kissing Rey's hair before letting her go.

"We had best start back before it gets dark."

Rey nodded, feeling oddly shy as Ben held a hand out to help her up. She offered to help clean up the picnic, but Ben shushed her and quickly threw everything back into the basket folding the blanket and placing it inside as well.

He turned, reaching for her hand as they walked towards the horse that had been happily grazing the past few hours. After strapping the basket back onto the horse, Ben grabbed Rey by the waist again, hoisting her up onto the horse.

Once again she was pressed against his back, his arm around her waist, but unlike the ride there, she leaned into the embrace and he kept his chin on her shoulder, turning his head every so often to kiss her on the cheek.

When they arrived, servants ran forward to take the horse and basket away as Ben helped Rey down. They entered the house, Mr. Mitaka informing them that dinner was waiting for them. They both decided they were famished and headed towards the dining room, forgoing changing into their dinner wear.

Rather than sitting across from one another, Ben sat right next to Rey. They remained quiet as the ate, but the silence was not awkward or tense. Instead it felt pleasant, Rey fighting the urge to grin widely every time she glanced at Ben.

Being happy suited him, she found. He looked younger when he smiled, and his usual tension missing from his posture. She liked the way happiness looked on him.

After dinner they retired to the drawing room, but after Rey yawned several times Ben insisted he escort her to her room.

Once more he grabbed her hand. Rey wondered if he was as loath as she was to break contact between them. They walked up the stairs and down the hallway, stopping in front of the doorway to Rey's room.

Rey gazed up at Ben, not wanting to part from him. Ben also looked hesitant to leave. Leaning down he brushed his lips across hers.

He pulled back, heated eyes searing into hers, saying softly, "I bid you sleep well."

He turned to walk away but Rey squeezed his hand, not letting it go. When he turned back, Rey, feeling not nearly as nervous as she would have expected, simply said, "Stay?"

Ben's eyes widened as he paused, clearly shocked by her request and all it implied. Slowly, he cupped both hands around Rey's face, watching her intently as he lowered his head towards her, as if waiting for her to change his mind. When their lips finally met, however, Ben crushed Rey to him. She wrapped her arms around him as he walked her backwards into the room, shutting the door behind them with his foot.

A/N: Sorry for the info dump :S I've had this chapter rattling around in my head since July so it feels wonderful to finally have it onto the page and ready to share with you guys! I'm sad to say that there is only one chapter left. I hope you enjoyed this one. Thanks so much for reading! :)