Katsuki is sitting at a table at lunch together with his classmates. Kirishima is talking to him, but everything goes in one ear and out the other.
Ever since yesterday Katsuki had felt nauseous and he wished he just could've skipped today. Not just school, just the entirety of this day. He had been dreading it for a while, but now that it had finally come, it made Katsuki feel worse and worse.
He mindlessly stabbed into a piece of meat and shoved it into his mouth, not tasting anything. Kirishima, noticing that Katsuki was zoning out, had diverted his attention to his other classmates, deciding to let Katsuki be.
This date didn't have any meaning before to him. It was just any other ordinary day as usual. Only last year it got a meaning. A meaning Katsuki would rather forget. Today was Izuku's first death anniversary. Time had went by so fast that Katsuki could barely believe it had been a year already. A year without Deku. A year without his childhood friend.
Without noticing it Katsuki had held his chopsticks so firmly that they snapped in half. 'Are you okay?' Kirishima asked him. Katsuki didn't have anything to reply. He was doing miserable. He wanted to get out of there. The cafeteria had always been too crowded for his taste, but today it felt suffocating.
'No,' he eventually muttered and got up, leaving the rest of his meal and the broken chopsticks behind as he went back to class. He took great strides as he passed through the halls. Without thinking for another moment he went into the classroom, picked up his bag, slung it over his shoulder, and left.
Katsuki slammed the door shut. His mother peeked her head around the doorframe from the living room. 'Why are you home so early?' she questioned. 'I didn't feel good,' Katsuki replies as he kicks off his shoes and throws his bag down. 'Did you tell the teacher?' Katsuki shakes his head and moves to go upstairs. 'Katsuki?'
Katsuki feels like he's going to burst. In his room he immediately lies down in his bed and curls up. It's stupid. Today is just a day. No different than any other day. It's only different because of him. It's not fair.
Katsuki rolls over and grabs notebook number eleven. He browses through the pages, trying to distract himself, even though reading one of his notebooks might not be the best solution for that.
About halfway through the notebook, Katsuki starts to notice something. The analyses are starting to become more sloppy. Half-finished sentences, analyses that have no ground.
Katsuki sits up straight and scrutinizes them carefully. The drawings have become messy; the lines are crooked and details are missing. As Katsuki flips further through the pages, he notices that the sentences are becoming shorter, more general, short words instead of sentences.
Eventually something else catches Katsuki's eye. In the margins he sees short scribbles. They're very messily written, probably done in a hurry. Katsuki brings the book closer to him so he can properly read what it says. Katsuki's heart breaks yet again as he sees the words written there.
Why does nobody like me?
I shouldn't be here.
I'm just a Quirkless good-for-nothing.
I will never achieve anything.
All these words make Katsuki shake with anger. He flips further through the pages, and the closer he comes to the end, the more words appear. Katsuki throws the notebook away and picks up number twelve.
Nobody needs me.
Why do I even exist?
I shouldn't be alive anymore.
It would make everyone better if I wasn't here.
He nearly rips the notebook apart from anger, but just barely avoids doing so. He picks up the last notebook. The same messages, over and over.
I shouldn't be alive.
It'd make everyone happier.
Why am I still living?
Over and over. It makes Katsuki extremely sick, he feels like hurling. Tears are burning in his eyes, but they're not sadness. They're pure rage. Towards the end of the notebook, so many things are written in the margins it becomes indiscernible, but Katsuki can tell what they're saying.
He lurches forward, taking hold of the tenth notebook again. He furiously goes through it, looking for any indication, anything at all… The Endeavor fan incident. That was three years ago, halfway through middle school.
Katsuki falls back on his bed, his hands shaking, his stomach lurching. He presses his hand to his mouth as he feels the acid coming up, sprinting for the bathroom, throwing up everything he had barely eaten at lunch.
Why!? Katsuki thought. He clenches his fists together so hard that his knuckles turn white. Because he doesn't know what to do, he gets up and stands over the sink, the cool porcelain pressed against his hot palms.
Katsuki looks up and sees himself in the mirror. His face is extremely pale and cold sweat is dripping from his temple. Pure anger is being collected in the pit of his stomach, making Katsuki so mad that he pulls his arm back and crashes straight into the mirror, breaking it into a dozen pieces.
'Katsuki!?' his mom yells.
Katsuki turns around, taking the stairs two steps at a time. He can barely catch himself against the wall opposite the stairs before he falls face first onto the floor. He slips on his shoes, his head dizzy, his heart hot, as he runs out, leaving the door open, his mother calling after him.
Katsuki is out of breath as he turns the last corner. 'Fuck, why did you have to be buried so far away,' he mutters to himself. His legs are trembling as he slows to a walk, entering the cemetery on his own. He had promised his mother to go here with her later today, after school, but reading the notes made Katsuki feel the inescapable urge to go see him.
The Katsuki deep down is screaming his lungs out. He wants to scream, to be mad at Izuku, yet for the sake of the others at the cemetery, he remains quiet. Finally, he comes face to face with the grave he'd been dreading to see, and now felt obligated to go to.
The grave isn't very special. Izuku's mom wasn't very wealthy, so all she could afford with some financial support from her family and friends was a traditional grave. Katsuki looked at the words engraved on the stone. Midoriya Izuku. That's all it said. So plain. So simple. Just as Izuku had been.
Incense was burning at the foot of the stone and several flowers were laid out. More people have been here today. Who could possibly have cared for Izuku besides his mom and him? They were all just fake.
Standing there, all of Katsuki's anger started to come back up. He couldn't scream, it would be rude, yet he wanted to. His voice broke as he tried to keep his voice down. 'Why the fuck did you do that?' he hissed. 'Why on Earth do you write such things in your notebook and never talk to anyone about it? You've been depressed for over two years and you never said anything! Not to me, not to your own mother! What are you, stupid?'
Katsuki's voice was rising, despite his struggles to keep it down. 'If you knew you should've gotten help!' he shouted. 'If you don't tell anyone nobody can help you! It's your own fault you killed yourself! You could've done things different! This isn't my fault! It's your own!'
Blood was rushing to his head, making him feel hot, his face turning extremely red. Veins were pulsing in his neck as he screamed out all his frustrations at the most inappropriate place in the entire world. 'Why do you blame me for something you did!?' Katsuki choked, tears streaming down his face.
His knees gave way. His hands were placed on the smooth slab of stone that was supposed to be Izuku's grave. Katsuki leaned forward, his forehead leaning against the stone as well as it became dripping wet with his tears. 'It's not fair you've done this to me, you fucking nerd!' he yelled, his voice breaking on nearly every word. Katsuki wanted to say this to Izuku himself. He wanted to see the expression on his face as he would come to know how much someone cared about him, even though Katsuki never showed it.
Katsuki was a sobbing mess, wrapping his arms around himself to desperately try to keep himself together, to no avail. 'You should've talked to me!' Katsuki squealed, clutching his chest as his heart hurt. His throat felt raw and he could hear people trying to talk to him, but he shut all of it out.
He was angry. Mad. Furious. Izuku had blamed Katsuki for the things he had done, when Izuku didn't do anything himself. It wasn't fair. It just was not fair!
Katsuki got himself together for just a moment, pushing himself up from the grave and storming out, ignoring everyone staring at him. He bit his lip so hard till it bled, having to keep all of it in. It was an impossible task.
He started walking faster. Faster. Running. Sprinting.
His cheeks still wet with tears, he ran to the other side of the street. There he stood.
And screamed.