This lateness is really getting epic. My only excuse is that I lost part of this chapter and had to recreate it as best I could. I'm not altogether happy with the results but it's what I had. Also, I've switched to using a dictation program to compose so there may be a temporary increase in things that look like typos because I'm still teaching it how to obey me (I know how could my typos be WORSE). Mostly character/background here but one important plot development is lurking.
Alone at last in the great throne room, Toadsworth glanced around cautiously before fishing Peach's purse out from among the cushions on the throne. How fortunate that she had forgotten it when she went off to dinner. He had to get that horrible Bowser letter away from her somehow. Who knew what might happen is someone else found the letter in her possession. His little Peachy was far too innocent of the ways of world, certainly too innocent to be married as he'd known all along. How would she ever cope with her husband's... Toadsworth shuddered. The thought was far too horrible to contemplate. He just had to find the perfect man, one who would take proper care of her, treat her like fragile glass. He thought he might have found one but...
Toadsworth eased open the zipper on Peach's purse and reached inside, fumbling among make-up, calling cards, hankies, and other proper princess accoutrements. Such a sweet girl but so naive. She was always harping on him about the need to treat Bowser better, even invite him to court functions sometimes, as if any amount of kindness could ever stop the war with the Darklands. Of course it made him happy that his girl had such a big heart but would it hurt her to think of her public image, even once in a while? Toadsworth was kept so busy dong damage control for her generosity that, sometimes, he felt like he was at the end of his rope. Certainly, he would need a good long glass of brandy to calm his nerves after this.
Finally, there it was. He felt the crumpled paper of the letter in the corner of the purse and quickly fished it out. But what was this? Not one letter, but two. The first was the offending document from Bowser, which Toadsworth immediately tossed into the fireplace. But the second? This one had already been opened. Funny that Peach hadn't said anything about it. Then he turned it over and froze. The letter was from Prince Peasly, the very man Toadsworth had thought would be perfect for his princess. The fact that she had kept his letter close, tucked away like that, must mean she liked him too. And her silence? "She must be shy," Toadsworth mused, feeling a warm glow spread through his stomach, down to his toes.
The fact that she had chosen the self-same candidate as himself must mean it was meant to be and that made him feel just the tiniest bit better. There was some real hope here that she'd be happy and well taken care of. Deciding he'd done a good day's work, Toadsworth hurried off to his room for an evening of brandy, macaroons, and watching the fire on the hearth.
Bowser paced impatiently up and down the throne room, almost running into Kamek several times as he stood in the middle of the room.
"You're imperiousness, please watch where you're going," cried Kamek, failing to move quite fast enough and wincing as Bowser trod on his toes.
"This is outrageous," roared Bowser. "Why have those foolish funguses is not sent me a reply yet?"
"Perhaps because you only sent the letter a little over a day ago," suggested Kamek, with a patience he did not feel. "The messenger will hardly have been able to even reach them yet."
"Ah ha." Browsers swung around and, mercifully, came to a standstill. "Now I know what the problem is."
"And what is that, your crankiness?"
"You need to get me faster messenger's," snarled Bowser, after which there was an uncomfortable silence while Kamek pondered all the things he might say, trying to find the one that would result in the least bodily injury. But, before he could, the silence was broken by the loud sound of Bowser's phone ringing.
"At last," cried the Koopa King, diving for the device where he had left it on the arm of his throne. "It must be those measly mushrooms coming to big for my mercy." He flipped open the phone. "Hello, this is the evil King Bowser."
"B money, it's your peep, King K. just checkin' in to see what's down with you and the Princess and if there isn't nothin' I can do to help because..."
Bowser screamed in rage and threw the phone across the room, where it smashed against the wall. "How in the Underwear did that fool get my number?" he fumed.
"It 's in the castle directory and telephone tree," said Kamek, blandly. "And..."
"Well take it out of the castle directory and telephone tree. Take it out, right now."
"Right away, your excitableness. But I should remind you that that phone was a gift from your son and he'll be very crushed when he finds you've broken it."
"Er... Yes, I see which you mean," Bowser mumbled uncomfortably. "While you're at it, get me another phone of the same model. He'll never know the difference."
"As you command, Lord Bowser." Privately, Kamek highly doubt that Prince Ludwig would be fooled, especially when he noticed the play list of his personal compositions he had painstakingly downloaded to the phone was no longer present. Hopefully, he, Kamek, would be a long ways away when that happened. In the meantime, he tried to do what he'd come to do in the first place which was discussed strategies for the probably upcoming war with Bowser. But, his master was so enraged by a combination of the mushroom Kingdom's tardy response and this latest disaster involving King K. that it was impossible to get him to discuss anything coherent. "Perhaps you should lie down, your Vindictiveness," he said at last, with a sigh.
"Lie down? Like a weakling? I have a battle to plan, an insolent koopa to pulverize, timid toads to intimidate."
"Of course, but you want to be at your best . Being so angry and frustrated like this will only get in the way and undermine you form being the truly great koopa you could be." Kamek was well aware of how stupid he sounded but he wanted the audience to end, immediately, or even sooner. Bowser looked at him with a raised eyebrow, as if he might be considering what he was saying. "A brilliant tactician must keep a cool head," offered Kamek encouragingly, then let out his breath in a great sigh of relief, as his master turned and stormed through the doors leading to his private apartments.
At first Bowser just stamped around the room, fuming over King K's audacity and wondering how he had managed to get his personal number. Even if it was listed in the castle directory, one of his employees would still have had to give it to him. Eventually, he decided to go through his entire address book to determine who the culprit might be and then give them a royal piece of his mind. But, as he settled into his writing desk, where his address book was stored, something else caught his eye: A green gilded box shaped like a spiked koopa shell, closed with an elaborate padlock. Slowly, he opened it, feeling his stomach twist as he gazed at the crumpled pile of papers inside the ones on top were of small importance, just the incredibly banal and awkward courtship letters his wife had been, by tradition, required to write him. As he removed them, Bowser shuddered, remembering the equally banal and awkward letters he had had to write in response. He had no desire to read these letters and relive the unpleasantness they chronicled but, as he shoveled them out, one happened to fall open and his eyes picked up the words as he moved it away with the rest
Great Lord Bowser. I must write again how deeply honored I am to have been chosen as your bride, a privilege every koopa girl dreams of. I am undergoing intense training in entertaining and hospitality so I can be a credit to you as a hostess. It takes up a lot of my time but I believe it is more than worth it I did get a chance to go to Chocolate Island with a few of my friends the other day. What do you like to do? What do you like to eat? I promise to serve your favorite food for breakfast every morning Your Dearest Claudia.
Bowser cringed. She have never gotten over being so straightforwardly dull and boring. Not that it mattered since, even if she had been the most beautiful and intelligent koopa ever, he still would have hated being married to her because she wasn't Peach. He'd always done his best to be civil to her but civility wasn't enough. She could sense he didn't love her and things gradually became more and more awkward, even hostile, between them. It certainly wasn't a part of his life he ever cared to revisit but he kept her letters for one reason and one reason only. Their presence in the box marked it clearly as "private." If anyone was stupid enough to look in the box, finding it full of letters to the Koopa King from his wife would convince them to shut the box and back away slowly. Claudia's letters were nothing more than a shield for the the treasure at the bottom of the casket: letters which, over the years, Bowser had written to Peach, written but never dared send.
He pulled out one at random. My dearest Peach, my first son hatched today. He's absolutely adorable. You'd love him. I think you would make a wonderful mother, just the kind of mother my son needs. You're so gentle and caring. Being a father is amazing but I want to share it with you. I wish you could be here to watch my son grow up and... Bowser pushed the letter aside, lacking the heart to read more. After a moment, he reached for another. This one was written in childish scratches and was probably one of the first things he had ever written. Princess Peach, you so pretty. I want to kidnap you over and over all day long. Another, written after he had been defeated a few times by Mario: What makes that plumber so much better than me, seriously, princess? I'm tall and strong, while he is squat, fat, and wears overalls, even to formal parties. Is that any way to treat a princess? He can't even show respect for your royal status. Plus, I command an army, I have a kingdom. What does he have? A wrench. Which of us can support you in the style you deserve? I am worthy princess. I try my hardest to be.
Bowser stood up abruptly. This wasn't helping him relax and prepare for the coming battle in the slightest. He wasn't angry any more, just depressed, a most unmanly state for a koopa like himself. All these letters, letters, letters everywhere, and none of them had made the slightest difference. The fact that no one but himself knew they existed was just nitpicking to Bowser. Defeated, he sank down on his bed, the bed where his children had been conceived. He shuddered and searched quickly for something to replace the unpleasant images, almost at once finding one that was far more appealing and disturbing: editing out Claudia and putting Peach in her place. This was all King K's fault Bowser thought furiously and here he was back at square one.