Brand New Breeze
by FanficAllergy & RoseFyre
oOo
Chapter Four: Imagine
oOo
Last Time in Brand New Breeze:
Gale tightens his arms around us. "You're not fine, Catnip, and that's okay. You cry all you want. Get it out. Peet and me will watch over you while you do."
I break down into a second set of tears, this one more cathartic. The two boys hold me for I don't know how long. They keep murmuring little things under their breath and stroking my hair, back, and face. It's comforting. Their combined efforts are starting to make me feel better. It's what I need. I burrow deeper into their arms. This feels good. This feels right.
I surrender myself to the both of them, trusting both Peeta and Gale to protect me.
oOo
I'm not sure how I make it through the rest of the salmon run, but with Gale and Peeta's support, I manage.
Prim survived the attack.
Barely.
My mother tells us that she's got a few cracked ribs and several deep lacerations along her side and back from where the bear's claws ripped through the fabric of her shirt and into her flesh. She stitched Prim up to the best of her ability and now it's up to Prim to heal. My mother makes various poultices and mixtures for her to consume, but for the most part Prim sleeps, aided by a little bit of the morphling that I got from Madge and some sleep syrup we brought from home.
Surprisingly, considering how often they bicker, Rory seems to be almost as broken up as me by Prim's injury. When he's not helping us with the rest of the salmon run, he spends his time hovering over my sister, cuddling Buttercup, both of them watching Prim anxiously.
I'm not sure I understand it.
Gale, on the other hand, just smirks. He leans over to Peeta and mutters, "Looks like another Hawthorne boy is destined to fall in love with an Everdeen girl."
Peeta murmurs back, "It could be worse. At least we know he's not interested in Katniss."
Gale snorts, clearly amused.
"I heard that," I shoot back over my shoulder.
The two just shrug and I return to studying Rory's vigil.
There's a small pile of random things on the floor next to her sickbed. Rory found them when he went exploring before Prim got injured and he thinks Prim might like to have presents waiting for her when she wakes up. I'm not sure what Prim is going to do with the brown plastic thing with detachable body parts, but Rory seems to think that she'll like it, so I don't say anything.
The only time I see my mother leave the cave is when she goes out to gather a few medicinal herbs that are best used when fresh. With my mother so devoted to taking care of Prim, it falls to Gale, Peeta, and me to take over the household. I don't want to spend time away from the cave, and it's not like we need to go hunting or gathering much anyways. Just a little bit to break up the monotony of bear organ meat and salmon roe. Peeta takes over most of the household chores while Gale tends the garden and makes sure that the rest of us are well-protected.
This goes on for several days during which I realize that Peeta, Gale and myself are operating as one cohesive unit. It's nice and it feels right and I don't want this harmony to end.
But it will end as soon as I choose which boy I want to have a relationship with. Why do I have to choose? I don't want to! I want them both. I need them both. They each fit into a piece of myself that I didn't know was missing.
Gale knows me. Gets me. He's my hunting partner and best friend. That hasn't changed. He also pushes at me, keeping me active and not letting me slip into depression. Gale forces me to take chances I might not take and I need someone who will keep me from staying stagnant. He's a spark. A catalyst. And I need that.
But I need Peeta too. He's solid. He's safe. Where Gale urges me to take chances, Peeta is there to help heal the wounds when things don't go as planned. He's less impulsive and more steady. He too won't let me sink into depression, but rather than jerking me out of the water, he's more of a lifeline who'll hold on to me while I pull myself to shore.
With Prim's injury, I've come to realize that I am more like my mother than I want to be. I know if both Peeta and Gale hadn't been there for me immediately after Prim was injured, I would have gone away just like my mother did when my father died. I blamed myself, still blame myself, for Prim being near death's door. And both Peeta and Gale are right there beside me, ready to step in when I start to fall back into that spiral of recrimination and guilt. I need that safe haven to come home to but I also need a reason to go out the door in the first place.
Peeta and Gale together give me both.
I want them both.
I need them both.
How in the hell am I supposed to tell them that?
oOo
Prim wakes up several days later. She's been recuperating in the kitchen on a bed made by Gale for that express purpose. She sees the turkey we'd gotten in a snare that morning sitting out on the stone bench next to a basket of morel mushrooms.
"Did I miss the celebration?" Prim asks groggily.
My mother is instantly alert. "What celebration?"
She motions vaguely with one hand. "The turkey. Reaping Day. We always try to get one for the feast after. Did I miss it?"
I start, glancing between the turkey and my sister. I'd been planning on stuffing the bird with some greens and a few mushrooms but didn't give any thought to the fact that it's one of our go to foods for celebrations. I do a little calculating in my head, counting off the days on my fingers, and realize it's May 30th.
Reaping Day is in two days. And it will be the first one that none of us will have to participate in.
"No you didn't miss it, Little Duck," I tell Prim.
"Oh good," she says sleepily, "I always liked the feast after."
"Then we'll have a feast," my mother says. "But that's not for a couple of days yet. You need to go back to sleep and get better so that you can take part in all of the festivities."
"Okay." Prim yawns and clutches the pillow my mother made me to her chest and goes back to sleep.
My mother looks up at me and states matter-of-factly, "You know this now means we have to plan something."
I nod.
We don't have electricity and I wouldn't want to watch the Reaping anyway. We need to do something else. Something fun.
But what?
oOo
Two days later, I still have no idea what to do to celebrate escaping Reaping Day. The feast is a given and we've hunted and gathered a few things in preparation.
My mother and Peeta spend most of the morning preparing everything. There's a goose stuffed with cattails and mulberries, a roasted duck smothered in an onion and morel sauce, and the squirrel Peeta requested in a stew with daylily bulbs, ramps, and wild carrots. There's a few herb biscuits with a soft bear fat spread. For dessert, there's strawberries, raspberries, and blackberries with a little bit of honey from that beehive Rory found to sweeten it all.
It's more food than I've seen in a meal in my life. I'm not sure how we're going to eat it all, but I'm looking forward to trying.
But other than gorging ourselves into a coma, what are we going to do?
My mother takes the decision out of my hands, shooing everyone but Prim out of the cave while the food is cooking. Ostensibly we're supposed to go wash up, but really it's an order to go play.
I go to grab my bow and arrows and Gale stops me. "I'll take care of security today," he says.
I try to protest but he shakes his head firmly.
"Don't worry about it, Katniss," Peeta says.
I frown at the both of them. "I'm the best shot. I should be the one with a bow."
"And you haven't taken a day off since you were eleven," Gale points out. "You need to have fun sometime."
"Hunting's fun."
"Not for you it isn't."
"So what am I supposed to do?"
"We could go swimming," Peeta offers.
I glare at them until I realize that they aren't going to change their minds. "Fine. Let me go get changed."
A few minutes later, we all meet at the base of the hill and head towards a nearby pond that we found. It's not as large as the lake back home, but it's good for swimming and it's nearby.
We splash around in our underthings and I show both Rory and Gale a few strokes, but mostly we just play, splashing each other with the cool water and reveling in the warm sun on our shoulders.
When we're done, we flop onto the small beach to dry out, lying on our backs and watching the clouds.
"Can you sing something, Katniss?" Peeta asks.
I turn my head to look at him. He looks so hopeful that I don't quite have the heart to tell him no. I think about the songs that I know and what would be appropriate. A passing cloud overhead gives the inspiration I need and I sing an old song about a dragon from a magical land and the boy he befriended. After the first verse, Rory joins me on the chorus and soon we're all singing along.
I wince whenever anyone hits a sour note and Peeta seems to hit them the most. But I still have a good time. I finish the song and Peeta looks over at me expectantly.
I shake my head. "We should get back."
"I'll join you in a minute," Rory says quickly. "I want to go grab a couple things first."
"Getting more stuff for Prim?" Gale asks.
"Yeah, and I think I saw something that we all might like later."
We exchange a look and shrug our shoulders. "We'll see you back at the cave."
oOo
Dinner tastes just as good as it smelled and we gorge ourselves until we can't eat anymore. I don't even feel guilty about eating this much because we have so much food saved up already and we have lots of time to get more, including the fall when all of the fruit and nut trees that we've found will be ready to harvest.
Even more heartening, Prim has a hearty appetite for the first time since she was injured.
Rory sucks the meat off a goose leg and lets out a large belch.
"Rory Hawthorne!" Prim glares at him.
"What? I liked the food! It's a compliment!"
"Burping is never a compliment! What are you, a Capitolite?"
"No! I'm just full! Better out than in, I always say."
"Ewwwww!"
Rory suddenly turns serious. "Does it really bother you that much, Prim?"
"Of course it does! It's rude and it's gross!"
Rory makes a face. "I'm sorry. I'll try not to do it again. It just… slipped out."
We all gape at Rory.
Rory blushes and crosses his arms defensively. "What? I said I was sorry!"
"We know." Gale reaches out and puts a hand on Rory's forehead. "Are you feeling okay? Do you have a fever?"
Rory bats Gale's hand away. "Knock it off! I'm fine!"
"You sure? Maybe you've been infected with some kind of parasite." Gale makes a show of checking Rory over for abnormal growths. "Maybe you're a pod person."
"Gale! You knock it off right now!"
"Hey! He's finally being nice to me. You guys stop it!" Prim cries, leaping to Rory's defense. "I don't want Rory to go back to being rude!" She turns to Rory. "You just keep acting like a gentleman and I'll keep acting like a lady."
Peeta falls on the floor, laughing.
Prim glares at him. "Well, I'm glad that we're providing someone some kind of amusement!"
"I'm sorry, Prim, I didn't mean to make you upset," Peeta says from the ground. "You guys are just so cute."
"We are not!" Prim and Rory chorus.
Peeta breaks down into laughter again.
"Katniss! You make them stop!"
I hold my hands out in front of me. "Keep me out of it."
"Fine. But you owe me a song."
"Oh I do, do I, Little Duck?"
"Yes. You do. This is Reaping Day and you always sing me a song on Reaping Day."
She's right. I do. Most years I sing a comforting song, often the lullabies my father sang to me before he died. This year, though, I want to sing something new. We don't need comforting. We're safe, and not just for this year. We're never going to get Reaped.
Ever.
What can I sing? A soothing lullaby doesn't seem right, but I want to sing something with a little bit of hope.
I look outside and see the reflection of the setting sun, glistening off of the river. The almost full moon is dangling overhead in the pale pink and orange light. It's lovely and it's ours. I smile and start to sing.
"Moon river,
wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style
some day."
Peeta leans back and a reverent expression comes across his face.
"Oh, dream maker,
you heartbreaker,
wherever you're going,
I'm going your way."
Gale looks around the cave, taking a drink from the bottle of alcohol we've been passing around.
"Two drifters,
off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see."
Rory reaches over and clasps Prim's hand. She glances down and smiles at him. She doesn't pull away.
"We're after the same rainbow's end,
waiting, round the bend,
my Huckleberry Friend, Moon River, and me."
My mother has a tear in her eye and she reaches up to brush it away. I know why. This song, Moon River, is a song I know my father used to sing to her.
When I finish the song, she gets up and looks down at us. "I'll keep watch all night. You kids should enjoy this."
Prim lets out a yawn. Rory stands, holding out a hand to help her up. They stagger off together to the kitchen and Prim's bed.
I hear them talking in low tones. I think he's going to stay with my sister for the rest of the night.
The three of us migrate to the bedroom in order to give my mother a little privacy and to avoid keeping Prim up with our celebrating. Peeta brings the rest of the biscuits while Gale grabs the bottle of liquor Rory brought back right before dinner.
We take a seat on the edge of my mother's bed and look at each other. "So now what?"
Gale shrugs and passes me the bottle.
I take a drink. It burns on the way down. "Is this what Haymitch drinks all the time?" I ask, coughing, holding the bottle out away from me.
Peeta takes the bottle from me and takes a swig. "Probably."
He passes the bottle back to me and I take another drink. It's just as bad the second time. "Why are we drinking this?"
Gale snags the bottle from my hands. "Because we can." He offers it to Peeta, who takes it.
"Because we're free," Peeta adds, taking another drink.
"I can drink to that!" I snatch the bottle out of Peeta's hand and chug.
"Whoa, hold it!" Gale yanks it back. "We don't want you to get sick!"
I feel the spirits' warmth spreading through my body. "Fine. Then you guys drink it."
"Not all at once, I hope," Peeta says.
"No, not all at once," Gale agrees.
"So…" I flop back onto the bed and stare up at the stalactites on the ceiling. "What do we want to do? We've got the whole night to ourselves."
Peeta props himself up on his side next to me. "We could talk?" he suggests.
Gale sprawls out along my other side. "Yeah. Talking is good."
I wrinkle my nose. "What about?"
"What was the best day of your life?" Peeta asks.
It's not the question I was expecting and I have to think about it. "Probably my tenth birthday," I say finally. "My father took me out into the woods for the very first time and he took me swimming in the lake near Twelve. The water was cold. Really cold. But he was so patient, teaching me how to float and swim and it was just the two of us. And I felt so loved and free. I had nothing to worry about. The Games were a distant possibility and it was just me and my father, the two of us, for the whole afternoon." I curl up and look at Peeta. "What about you?"
"I think the day you kissed me," he admits, his heart in his eyes. "I'd been dreaming of it my whole life, and it was even better than my dreams."
I pull him to me and kiss him.
When we pull back, he smiles. "Although today might just be the best day too. I need more data." He puckers his lips at me expectantly.
I laugh and roll over, scooching my back against Peeta. He slips an arm over my stomach and starts rubbing patterns on it. "So what about you? What's your best day?" I ask Gale.
"You know, kissing Katniss is up there. Today's up there." He smiles at both of us. Then his expression becomes wistful. "But I think the best day was the day my sister was born. Your ma put Posy in my arms and she looked up at me with those dark baby eyes and I knew right then and there, even though she wasn't my child, she was mine. Nothing else mattered." His face spasms as he remembers that Posy is gone.
I reach up and touch his cheek. "Gale…"
He shakes his head. "Don't say you're sorry. I'm not. I got three and a half wonderful years with her. Can any man ever be so lucky? Yeah, I want more. But I got three and a half years." He stares up at me with unshed tears in his eyes. "No one else got that."
I don't know what to say. What can I say? I draw him to me. He clutches at me, clinging to me like I'm a lifeline. Behind me, Peeta is supporting the both of us so I can support Gale. When I feel the crisis point has passed, I tilt his head up and kiss him gently on the lips.
He pulls away. "Sorry. I didn't mean to act like that."
Peeta reaches over me and squeezes Gale's upper arm. "Don't ever be ashamed for loving your kid. Posy was as much your daughter as she was your mother's and she's still in your heart."
"So you get it?" Gale asks, almost plaintively.
Peeta squeezes Gale's bicep again and I feel him nod behind me. I'm a bit confused at the exchange and I feel like there's been some kind of communication between them that I just don't get. I don't like feeling left out so I take matters into my own hands.
I slide my hands up Gale's body until one of them's resting on top of Peeta's. The other I have on the back of Gale's neck and I draw him to me again. This kiss is less tender and more demanding. I want to wipe any feelings of sadness out of Gale's mind and this is the best way I can think of to do it.
I feel Gale's hands come up to cup my face. I moan against his lips and press myself firmly against Peeta. Peeta responds by sliding his hand down Gale's arm and onto me. He runs the tips of his fingers along my side, slipping under the edge of my shirt to caress my stomach.
Suddenly, I want to kiss Peeta more than anything else in the world.
I disengage from Gale and sit up and the world shifts beneath me. My head spins and my body sways, trying to orient itself. I feel my face flush and I clutch at the blankets to keep from falling off the world.
"Katniss, are you okay?" Gale asks.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I answer. "Just a little hot." I slip my shirt off over my head, leaving me in just my undershirt, and lay back down, turning to face Peeta.
Gale's hand slides up my leg before settling on my stomach. I moan slightly. I want more.
I grab Peeta's shirt and pull him towards me. "I'm going to kiss you now."
"Okay..."
And I do.
It feels just as good as kissing Gale. I feel something warm and liquid pooling in my belly. I can't keep my hands from Peeta. I slide them up his sides and under his shirt, revelling in the feel of his taut stomach. Suddenly I want the shirt off him. I don't want anything standing in the way between my hands and Peeta's skin.
I pull back. "Shirt off," I order.
"Yes, ma'am," Peeta agrees. He quickly divests himself of his shirt, tossing it on the floor beside the bed. He leans back in for another kiss, his tongue demanding entrance into my mouth.
Gale's hand slips under the hem of my undershirt and across my stomach. He doesn't make any moves to go higher even though I want him to. I tear myself away from Peeta's lips. "Gale, more," I demand. I reach down and grab his hand, placing it on my breast.
I feel Gale freeze behind me.
"Katniss? Are you sure?" he breathes against my neck.
I roll over to look Gale in the eyes. I take his hand and rub it over my breast. "I want this. I want you. I want you both."
Gale's eyes widen and he looks over my shoulder at Peeta. I feel Peeta pull away and get up.
"What? What'd I do?" I roll over to my back. "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to bed, Katniss." Peeta pulls his shirt over his head.
"But - but kisses!"
Gale sits up and looks down at me. "No. Not now. Not while you're like this."
"Like what?" I ask belligerently.
"You're drunk," he states flatly.
"No I'm not! I feel fine! I want this!" I don't feel drunk. I'm not Haymitch! I just feel good. Loose. Needy. "I want you! Why don't you guys want me? You've been chasing after me for months now and all of a sudden when I want you, you turn me away. You reject me."
"Katniss, that's not it at all," Peeta says, sitting back down on the bed. "We both want you, but just not when you're like this."
"But why? Is it something I did? Is it something I said?"
Gale scrubs his hands through his hair. "Fuck, Katniss. No! We want you more than anything else in the world, but we want you to want us too."
"But I do! I want you both! Can't you see that I want you both?" I'm so confused. None of this is making any sense.
Gale shakes his head. "I'll believe you if you tell us this in the morning. I don't want any regrets, Catnip. If you still want this in the morning, when we're all sober, then absolutely. But I don't want you to regret this. I don't want you to regret us. I'm sure Peeta feels the same."
I look over at the blond boy. He nods. "I'm willing to wait until you're sure and you can tell me that you're sure without any liquid courage. I've waited for you for years. I can wait a bit longer."
I was right. They don't want me. Not really. "You know what? Fuck you! Fuck you both!" I stand up, still swaying, and stomp over to my sleeping space. I lie down, facing the wall. I'm unable to stop the tears from coming.
They've rejected me!
I wanted them both and they've rejected me. I shared the secret I've held hidden in my heart and they rejected it. I scrub my tears away. If they're going to be like that... Fine. I don't want them that much anyway!
Fuck them!
oOo
I wake up. There's a stabbing pain behind my left eye. I swallow gingerly. My mouth is dry and I desperately want a glass of water. My stomach is roiling and I wish I had a piece of bread or something to calm it down. I roll over and see that I'm alone in the bedroom. Good. I didn't want to talk to Peeta or Gale anyway.
I stumble out to the main room and find my mother is still awake. "I thought you would've gone to bed by now," I say. I beeline to the pot of tea sitting next to her. I pour myself a cup, not even caring that it's long cold, and chug it down.
"I will as soon as your two boys get back from their errand." My mother's watching me with amusement on her face.
I empty the rest of the pot into my cup. "They're not my two boys," I say sullenly, staring down at the floating leaves. "Weren't you listening last night? They rejected me."
My mother looks at me incredulously. "I'm sure that's not what happened," she says.
"It sure feels like what happened." I swirl the cup in my hands.
"Have you talked to them about it?"
"No, and I don't want to either." I down my second cup of cold tea. "They can go to hell for all I care." I slam the mug down as if to emphasize my point.
"I think before you consign them to eternal damnation that you might want to talk to them. And maybe get something to eat and drink first. There's some more tea in the kitchen if you want it and I think there's some leftovers as well."
My stomach roils again at the thought of food but I should eat something. It might settle it down. I wonder if there's any of those biscuits left.
I slip into the kitchen, careful not to awaken Rory and Prim. Prim is asleep on the sickbed and Rory is lying on the floor next to her. Prim's arm is hanging off the bed and Rory is holding her hand while they sleep.
I smile. It's sweet. But I'm also jealous. I want that for myself and I thought I had it.
Turns out I was wrong.
I grab a few leftovers and another cup of tea and head for the ledge of the cave.
I sit down, replaying the previous night's events over in my head. I wanted them both so badly. Kissing just wasn't enough anymore. I wanted more. And it hurt - hurts - knowing they turned me down. I thought they wanted this too. I thought they'd be open to a relationship between all three of us. They seemed comfortable together with me in the middle. None of the jealousy that had plagued our relationship earlier was there last night.
So why did they say no?
The thought repeats over and over in my head until I hear the sound of two people approaching.
I look up and see Gale and Peeta, their hair damp. But more surprisingly, their beards are gone. "You shaved!" I exclaim.
Peeta rubs the back of his neck. "Surprise? Gale thought you might like it."
My eyes narrow. "Why do you care about what I like? You rejected me last night."
"No. We didn't reject you," Gale says. "We just didn't want you making any decisions while you might be impaired."
"I wasn't impaired. I've wanted the both of you for a long time." The words slip out before I can stop them. I don't really want to anyway.
"You have?" Gale asks intently.
I stare down at my hands, trying not to blush. I fail. "Well… yeah. I just didn't think you'd be willing, you know, to share. That you'd be okay with us being a trio instead of a couple. I know it's not fair to either of you. But, I don't want to choose between you." I turn to look at them. "I can't. I need you both. Don't you see I need you both?"
Peeta and Gale share a look.
"You know why we had to stop. You were drunk, Katniss," Peeta says nervously. "And you've seen what Haymitch does when he's drunk. We didn't know if it was you or the booze talking and we couldn't take the chance that it was the booze. We didn't want to do anything that you, Katniss, sober Katniss, grumpy Katniss-" I glare at him. "-wouldn't want to do."
I realize now the real reason that they shaved, so that I can see their whole faces without being obscured by the whiskers. Peeta looks so earnest while Gale looks almost pleading, like he wants me to listen to Peeta. Like he wants me to believe Peeta.
"I'm sober now," I mutter, staring down into my ginger tea.
"And?" Gale asks.
I look up to meet their eyes. "My mind hasn't changed. I still want you. Both of you."
"And we want you too."
I smile. "So… how's this gonna work?"
oOo
AN:
Written: 3/7/15
Revised: 3/20/15
Revised 2: 4/13/15
The title of this chapter comes from the song "Imagine" by John Lennon. Other songs mentioned/used in this chapter were "Puff the Magic Dragon" by Peter, Paul, and Mary and "Moon River" by Henry Mancini. We felt that some songs, specifically well-known ones that have faded into the collective consciousness, would survive. Think of things like "Greensleeves" and "Happy Birthday" and stuff from The Wizard of Oz and The Sound of Music which are replayed over and over again to people of all ages.
So on to Rory and Prim. Aren't they cute? We think they are. They're totally having a tween relationship complete with innocent hand holding. We loves them. We started off this story without the intention of actually pairing them off, but Rory kind of decided that following in his big brother's shoes of loving an Everdeen woman was a good idea and Prim said "okay!" and that was that.
So welcome to unreliable narrator Katniss. Katniss was drunk. We see her as being under five feet and weighing close to 100 pounds, if that. She's tiny and book!Katniss is not built like Jennifer Lawrence (who is freaking awesome but also 5'9") so physically she's not going to have much of an alcohol tolerance, especially since she's never actually had it before. We based her drunkenness in part off of RoseFyre, who gets drunk on a glass of wine and gets silly and huggy when drunk. FanficAllergy does not get drunk. She's tried many times and failed. FanficAllergy is the one of us who speaks 'guy,' which is amusing all things considered.
We definitely did not want drunk sex. The boys were also impaired which should have shown through their actions and words, but they were more self-aware and also less drunk. The fact that they didn't have sex is important. They want Katniss to be sure. But they want her also to not be able to blame any of her decisions on alcohol. It's about agency and making sure that each of them has it. Things are currently unequal at the moment, but that will change. We're just exploring this and trying to keep it realistic and in character.
Things We Randomized:
- Most of what they hunted/gathered
- Everything Rory found (and yes, that was a Mr. Potato Head - we rolled "toy" and figured out what might survive - and since Mr. Potato Head is pure plastic, it worked)
Thanks again for reading!