THAT PARIS WEEKEND CHAPTER 2
"Are you one hundred per cent certain about this?" Harvey asks. "I need to be completely sure."
"Without a doubt," Vanessa replies as she hands over the yellow manila envelope. "And it's all here – names, pictures, travel details, the addresses of the city condo and house in Connecticut. "
Vanessa has known Harvey for a long time. They've worked together on many cases, but she has never seen the worry on his face like she has tonight.
"In fact… I'd say he's no amateur," she adds. "He's done this before."
"Fuck."
With his jaw tense and shoulders slumped, Harvey looks down before letting out a sigh. He pulls a thick white envelope from his jacket pocket and discreetly passes it across the table. It's glum in this corner of the bar. The entire place has a stench of sadness – a tangy mix of old booze, tobacco and broken dreams. It's definitely not Harvey's style which is exactly why he's here. There would be no colleagues nor clients to bump into. This is personal and he wants to make sure it stays that way.
Getting up to leave, Vanessa pats him on the shoulder. "Good luck with this one, Harvey."
"Thanks." With a small nod, he purses his lips and exhales, "Now comes the hard part."
Grabbing his raincoat and the manila envelope, Harvey steps outside, relishing the cool, wet air that clears his face and lungs. He feels dirty. He knows what's coming, it has to be done. He'll rip the band-aid off quickly and hopefully, one day, she'll forgive him.
Standing outside the bar, he tries Donna's phone once, twice and then a third time. It goes to her out-of-office message.
"You've reached the voicemail of Donna Paulsen, Chief Operating Officer at Zane Specter Litt. I will be away from the office, returning on Tuesday, June 11. Please leave a message and I will get back to you at that time. If this is urgent, press one to connect with my assistant James Peterson. Thanks and have a great day!"
As Harvey listens, his stomach turns. There is a lightness in her voice that he has not heard in a long time. She's flying out tonight. In fact, he's been counting down the days until she was to leave, and dreading what this relationship might become during her time away. Thomas will certainly sweep her off her feet and show her the love she deserves, the kind Harvey has never been able to fully express… and that would be it.
He closes his eyes, massaging them with his thumb and forefinger. The truth is going to hit Donna hard, but he can't bring himself to think about that. She deserves to know.
Harvey takes a cab back to the firm on the off chance she might still be there. Not that he has any idea what he would say, but he'd try.
Rain is pelting the cab window, and Harvey's eyes are also damp. Since Donna has become COO, he's built a resistance to the ache of missing her, but every now and then the feeling rears its ugly head. Tonight is one of those nights. They no longer talk late into the night and their after-work drinks are a thing of the past.
Then he thinks about the kiss. In that one moment, she turned his world upside down. Ever since, he's been angry and hopeful and terrified and so very much in love.
That night when she reached for him, it made his head spin. They both know he kissed her back, but days later she spat it out, "I didn't feel anything when I kissed you Harvey, so you can relax, if that's what you're worried about."
What she doesn't know is that kiss and those angry words have lived with him ever since. It's been months now, but late at night, in the quietest moments, he can still feel her soft mouth on his, her warm fingertips tickling the hairs on the back of his neck. And then he tells himself that it wasn't about him or them. It was about her and what she now realizes she doesn't want.
With that asshole Thomas now in the picture, they've grown even further apart, interacting only when necessary. Any information about Donna's personal life comes in bits from Louis and Samantha. This is their new normal. But at least she is still at the firm, so Harvey grasps at any little piece of her that he can.
He finds comfort in hearing the familiar click of her heels when she walks past each morning. The sound is like a heartbeat reminding him he is still alive. There is the lingering smell of her perfume from those rare times she comes to him for his signature. And then there is his coffee with vanilla. With every sip, she fills his senses.
As the taxi slices across the wet pavement, it dawns on Harvey that, until now, he thought Donna leaving the firm would be the thing that would break him. Boy, was he wrong. Working with her every day, and watching her build a life with someone else is actually more painful than he could have ever imagined.
Frustrated with himself, he shakes his head and loosens his tie.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
As he makes his way down the firm's corridor, Harvey can already tell that Donna's office is dark. He fully intends to head back to his corner, but he can't make himself leave. Slowly opening the glass door, he steps towards her desk and turns on the lamp. It's so quiet that he can hear his heart pulsing. Pulling back her chair, he sits down, and traces the room with his eyes.
Harvey has never really taken the time to appreciate how lovely Donna's space is, probably because he's been too busy resenting her for leaving him. She's decorated with calm blues and greens, adding a pop of orange here and there. It reflects her perfectly – caring, friendly and unpredictable.
God. It even smells like her in here.
Running his hands across its cool top, her desk is as organized as he expects it to be.
"Everything in its place now means more time for drinks later." She would playfully remind him.
On the left, her notebooks are neatly stacked according to color and size. Next to them is a floral mug that contains those ridiculous multicolored pens she insists on using. It brings a sad smile to his face as he remembers how he once made fun of them.
"Four pens in one! It's not my problem if you can't get behind a great idea," she'd said in her defense, teasing him back with a nibble of the pen top. "And I'm sure the person who invented them is doing just fine with the billions made from this terrible idea…Wait!… Do you think he's single?"
"How do you know it was a man?" he challenged.
"Ooooh, do you think she's single?" she countered, dragging out the she, and offering a mischievous smile.
Harvey chuckles out loud at this past exchange. Rubbing his face with his hands, he wipes away what is left of his smile.
Only Donna could make a conversation about office supplies so memorable… and such a turn on.
Her file folders are color-coded according to client, and there are three ready to go for her first day back. Harvey is happy to see she still has the paperweight from their time at the DA's office. Quoting Shakespeare, it says, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."
Donna has always maintained that Harvey is a terrible gift giver, but when he found this during a business trip, he knew it was a home run. He kept it in his sock drawer for months, staring at it every morning, until he could surprise her on her birthday.
Looking across to the far right corner of her desk, he sees a small white vase tied with a bright yellow ribbon. The vase holds a single yellow rose and from the ribbon dangles a gold Eiffel Tower charm. The card propped alongside reads, "Bonjour, Sunshine! See you Friday! - T xoxo".
Yellow? And Donna doesn't even like roses.
But there it is. She's slipping away. Harvey's face is getting hot and his heart starts racing. The last time he felt this way, he was told they were panic attacks. Whatever. As far as he's concerned, it's the feeling of heartbreak mixed with regret.
If he could just go back to that night he told her he loved her… he would do it all so differently.
With an angry sigh, Harvey abruptly pushes himself away from the desk, the jolt nearly tipping the vase. He grabs the envelope, turns off the light and heads for his office. Tearing it open as he walks, he pulls out the file and stops to examine the photos under the dim corridor lights.
"You bastard," he mutters, shaking his head.