THAT PARIS WEEKEND CHAPTER 6
Donna is sitting in bed scrolling through her work emails, when she hears the knock.
It's early but she knows it's Harvey. The familiar way his hand hits the door always causes her heart to beat a little faster.
Calm down, Donna, or you're going back to square one.
Wrapping herself in her hotel robe, and putting on a brave face, she lets him in.
"Wow, I'm impressed. It's 8 o'clock and you're already here."
This was the second time in less than 24 hours that Harvey has seen Donna without her office armour. Fresh-faced without makeup, her hair is tied in a loose ponytail and she's barefoot. Harvey, trying not to look obvious, gives her a quick glance.
Beautiful? Cute? Pretty? All of the above.
Harvey is desperately trying to play it cool, but ever since Donna agreed to stay the weekend, he's felt both excited and nervous. In fact, he hardly slept last night, waiting for the sun to rise so he could see her again.
"It feels more like two in the morning in my head, but we have a lot to do today," he says, handing her a take-out coffee and a box of fresh pastries. "This will get you started until we can stop for something more."
For operating on little sleep, Harvey looks good. Dressed in tan pants, a white shirt and navy sweater, he appears younger in his casual clothes.
Donna has always found Harvey's boyishness incredibly sexy. The way he tilts his head when he asks a question he already knows the answer to, or how he dramatically rolls his eyes when she teases him. Then there's that Cheshire cat grin - a reminder that inside the trappings of his power suit is a mischievous 12-year-old boy ready to escape.
"That's disappointing," she kids. "I thought we were going to shop for handbags all day."
Harvey smiles inwardly. He senses Donna is in a better frame of mind this morning, so he follows her lead.
"Well, get a move on. The bags aren't going to buy themselves!" He's missed this. Their back and forth, their playfulness. He could talk with her all day.
Donna sips her coffee and cradles a warm almond croissant in her hand. From the closet, she selects a white cotton cardigan and blush-colored sundress, and heads for the bathroom.
Taking a bite of his fresh chocolate croissant, Harvey walks to the window and opens the curtains. A perfect view of the Eiffel Tower.
Looking out, he thinks about the millions of first dates, first kisses and marriage proposals witnessed by that majestic landmark. Year after year, visitors from across the globe make their pilgrimage to Paris in celebration of love.
Then, Harvey's thoughts turn to Donna. For years, he's taken her love for granted. Sure, it was her job to assist, but not to care for him like she has. Time after time, she's put him first, even when it left her at risk. She's always been there for a late-night call or to save him from himself. Everyone knows how fortunate he's been– Jessica, Louis, Mike – even Stu Buzzini once called him a lucky bastard and tried to steal her away.
For years, Harvey has had in front of him what most people spend their lives searching for. But his insecurities have always gotten the upper hand, reminding him that he doesn't deserve her, and that it would only be a matter of time before she'd know it too.
Last night, after Donna agreed to stay, Harvey felt hopeful, but his insecurities are, once again, flaring. He can feel it burning his insides and rising to his throat. Who is he kidding? His luck ran out with her when he made her promise to never kiss him again, when he screamed that he didn't want her.
It wasn't true, not one God damn word of it!
Then he thinks back to the time when Donna did want him. She admitted as much the night they feasted on strawberries and whipped cream and lust. He took that for granted too.
That was also the first time she blindsided him. Harvey went to her all cocky. A hotshot lawyer wanting a little fun. But after that night, the tables turned. He didn't expect she would reel him in. He didn't know what to do with what she was doing to him. So he hired her, kept her close, and also at arm's length.
It was the perfect solution, except it backfired. Soon, Harvey missed her when she wasn't near, got his hopes up whenever she teased, and felt jealous after hearing her Monday morning confessions.
He can't say she didn't warn him though. She told him outright that if he were ever lucky enough to have her, there'd be no going back. He's paid that price ever since.
"Sorry I took so long," she apologizes. Donna is a vision in pink and white. "I'm a little off my game today, but we can go."
Motionless at the window, Harvey doesn't respond. "Are you ok?" she asks.
"Yeah," he offers a half-smile. "Just a little jet-lagged I think. "
xxx
The visit to Hermès isn't about shopping so much as it is about getting back what has been lost between them. For two hours, Harvey patiently follows Donna through every section of the enormous store -, jewelry, housewares, clothing, perfumes. She's a kid in a candy shop, and now he truly understands what it means when they call a man "whipped".
If Mike could see him now, following Donna around like a puppy like this, he'd never hear the end of it.
Harvey doesn't care though, treasuring every uninterrupted moment with Donna. He grins whenever she sees something that is "to die for, Harvey". He shakes his head as he listens to her talk herself in and out of buying everything in sight, and he can't take his eyes off those swaying hips as she weaves her way through the store like she owns the place.
When Donna catches Harvey scrolling on his phone, she take him by the arm and leads him straight to the men's section, insisting he buy some new ties. He has plenty, he tells her, but she doesn't care.
"You need something special to remember this trip by," she asserts, lifting tie after tie next to his chest to see how they look.
Harvey smiles to himself. He's barely been in Paris for a day and it's already more special than Donna could ever know.
Next on the list is a thank-you gift for Gretchen. Harvey follows Donna's lead so she can pick out something special.
"Secretaries don't let other secretaries receive terrible gifts," she informs. "Page 32 of 'The Donna Paulsen Secretaries' Handbook.'"
"Except, you're not a secretary anymore, Donna." He's rolling his eyes at her.
"I know, but the handbook is a classic, it stands the test of time… and very well-written if I do say so myself," she quips.
"That's funny, because I'm currently reading another one of your best sellers, 'How to become Managing Partner When No One is Looking,'" he volleys back, his Cheshire cat grin in full view.
There they are, standing in the middle of this luxurious Parisian boutique, giggling like teenagers, relishing in the ridiculousness of their conversation and the healing it brings.
When they finally stop, Harvey can't help but look at her – really look at her. First, he focuses on those thick eyelashes, then on her cute nose and finally those glossy lips, that he swears to God he's going to kiss before the weekend is over.
Donna, I've missed you so much.
Laughing with Harvey has been the best medicine. It's then that Donna realizes she hasn't laughed like that in a long time, with anyone. This morning has really scrambled things in her brain though. One moment she feels light and optimistic and then a heaviness suddenly hits her. How could she be so stupid about Thomas? And then Harvey… it's been wonderful to reconnect, but if history offers any indication, they're well on their way to creating yet another "new normal" as friends.
Realizing Harvey is looking at her, Donna doesn't look away, but offers a thoughtful smile in return.
Last night she was so angry with him, she came very close to putting an end to the 13 years of "whatever they are". This was definitely a low point because it's not something she would have ever considered before. The truth is, she still can't believe he actually came to Paris, just like she was stunned when he ripped up her resignation letter that night he showed up at her door. Harvey is king of the grand gestures and he's as complicated as hell, but she can't accuse him of not caring.
The pair finish with a visit to the handbag section. Donna can't decide on what she wants, so Harvey insists on two – a large fuchsia tote and a black evening clutch emblazoned with a rose gold "H" on the front.
"Nice to see you got something with my initial on it." He smiles as they leave, clearly pleased with himself for his wittiness.
"Well you're free to borrow it for your next event, it would pair well with your tux," she teases back, the twinkle returning to her eye.
As they start along the sidewalk, Donna suddenly stops. Her red hair blowing in the breeze, and a shy smile on her face, "Thank you, Harvey. This meant a lot to me."
With a shopping bag in each hand, Harvey stops, his heart losing the battle to play it cool.
"It meant a lot to me too, Donna, I am glad we did it." His eyes warm to hers. "Besides, we're going to need that big pink bag for all the wine we're going to bring back."
"We"
It's not lost on Harvey that when he said it, his heart skipped yet another beat.
The pair walk back to Donna's hotel to drop off their purchases, and then spend the better part of an hour casually wandering the streets. Harvey thought it would take them a lot longer to get back to where they once were, but it hasn't. She asks about his brother, Marcus, and he wants to know about her upcoming play. She tells him about her apartment renovations and he recounts a funny conversation with Mike. They're floating across Paris in their own bubble, completely oblivious to the city around them.
The further they walk, the more Harvey realizes there is definitely no going back. In fact, he dreads "back to normal". Those repressed feelings he's been so good at keeping in check are forcing their way out, stirring his stomach and taking over his frontal lobe. But whenever he allows himself to imagine the possibility, fear douses the fire inside him. He's knows he's had so many chances with her and he's blown every one of them.
Donna, meanwhile, is also having trouble keeping her feelings in check. Mostly because she doesn't trust them. With everything that has happened with Thomas, she already feels insecure, and spending time with Harvey is stirring up a hornet's nest of emotions she's not ready to deal with. It scares her that falling back into her habits with Harvey has come as naturally as breathing. Donna doesn't want to go back, not like they were. These last few months have been rough, and she's not sure she can survive another blow.
You're just going to have to figure out a way to live with what you are to each other, and what you aren't.
"Let's get some lunch," Harvey suggests as they find themselves beside a street market. With a fresh baguette, a variety of cheeses, a bottle of wine and two plastic cups in tow, they make their way to Parc Champs de Mars, a gorgeous greenspace in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower.
Harvey offers his sweater so Donna can sit. She kicks off her sandals, the grass tickling her perfectly manicured toes. It's a sunny Saturday and the park is busy. Families sit together on blankets, children play in the nearby fountains and couples stroll hand-in-hand.
Harvey watches Donna as her eyes settle on a young couple canoodling on a park bench. They are clearly in love.
"Do you remember your first kiss?" he asks.
"My real first kiss?" She is taken aback by the question. "Damien Read. I was 15, he was 16, and he asked me to the school dance."
"An older man… must have been a good kisser if you still remember his name," Harvey ribs. He can't believe he actually feels a twinge of jealousy over a teenage boy.
"He was pretty sweet," she recalls. "He had this wavy brown hair and round glasses, and a cute British accent, which I thought was a big deal."
"So why did you break up?:" Harvey asks. "Did he leave to go to Wizard School?
Donna bursts out laughing and slaps his arm.
Then with a sly smile, she catches him off guard. "To be honest, I never did see his wand… so I can't be sure."
Harvey's eyes go wide, the corners of his mouth form a smile, and then he's laughing again. He's relieved to see that, bit by bit, the Donna he knows, his Donna, is coming back.
She's also going to be the death of him. No matter what he throws out, Donna matches him. No other person on the planet can do that to him the way she does.
"Ok, what about you?" Donna asks, redirecting the conversation. "I bet you were a ladies' man long before you were old enough to date the ladies."
"Actually, no," he admits. "I was more interested in baseball than girls, at least in junior high."
"Seriously? So who was the lucky young lady who made it to first base with you?" she asks playfully, raising a quick eyebrow.
"Emily Greene. I was standing by my locker after practice. She came over, kissed me right on the lips and then ran away. Maybe it was a dare, I don't know."
"Wow, pretty brave…" she says, knowing full well how her comment would play out. Donna's been guilty of the "kiss and run" herself. She thinks to make light of it but stops herself, the memory of the aftermath of her kiss cutting too close to the bone.
"She never talked to me after that, just avoided me the rest of the school year," Harvey also knew they were no longer talking about their teenage years.
He looks Donna straight in the eyes, his voice soft. "You know, if she had just given me another chance, I would have really kissed her back. I was so caught off guard, I didn't know what to do after that… then it was too late."
Harvey's words go straight to her abdomen. He looks for a reaction, but she gives him nothing. Donna's insides, however are spinning. She still feels guilt over that kiss, what it did to them and to his relationship. They'd also said a lot of painful things to each other afterwards, some of which Donna still hasn't recovered from. Things she'd sooner forget than ever bring up.
Sensing the energy between them has changed, Donna and Harvey sit quietly for a while, each lost in their own thoughts as they scan the park and finish the last of their picnic.
Harvey finally turns to her, his lips pressed tight before speaking. "What's going on in that brain of yours?"
"Just thinking about everything that's happened," she says, a heaviness in her words, her mood now sombre.
Donna has never doubted her decisions before, but the failure of one relationship after another has her questioning her ability to find love, and to be loved.
"Maybe I'm one of those people who is just not meant to have a forever relationship, not everyone does," she contemplates. "Maybe I'm meant to have a fabulous career, travel the world and meet interesting people."
Harvey raises his eyebrows in surprise. He pauses, then asks, "You could if you wanted. But is that what you want?"
"I'm not a teenager, Harvey, I don't have my entire life ahead of me," she reasons, her tone suggesting her words taste like medicine. "At some point, things just are what they are, and I need to make the best of it."
Harvey pauses again, trying to avoid any landmines that might send their conversation in another direction. He needs to ask again and he isn't sure if he's more afraid of the question or of the answer.
"What more do you want, Donna?" They both know what he means.
"The truth?" She's certain this time. If it's not going to be with Harvey anyway, what does it matter what he knows.
Harvey gives a small, anxious nod.
"I want to be someone's first choice." Donna has never been so honest with him about this, but she still can't completely put it out there. It's the one card she'll always hold close to her chest.
"After Mike and Rachel's wedding… I want what they have. Someone to love me, to wake up with and to kiss goodnight. I want Christmases together, and Thanksgivings and birthdays and vacations. I want little feet running around my house and colorful artwork on my fridge."
Donna turns to look at Harvey, her thick eyelashes wet as they try to hold back all her wants.
Harvey's eyes go wide. He hasn't taken a breath since she started speaking.
Donna can only manage a wistful smile.
"So... there you have it," she says.