Silver Moon – Book 4 Chapter 5

That night, Tsukuyo rested very uncomfortably. She twisted and turned on her futon, and even started sweating a little. She was currently in the middle of a nightmare, and it was one that felt all too realistic.

Eventually, she shot up in a panic, and took several deep breaths. She frantically glanced back and forth until her eyes fell on Gintoki, who was resting silently next to her. As soon as she saw him, she started to calm down.

It was just a dream she sighed, relieved. Just a dream…Just a dream…

Tsukuyo frowned. And yet…

Now feeling too startled and shook to even think about going back to sleep, Tsukuyo wiped the slight perspiration off of her forehead and rose to her feet. Moving as silently as she could, she made her way out of the bedroom and down the hall to the living room. There, she took a seat right in the middle of the couch, and curled up into a ball. She then stared at the television in front of her, which was currently turned off. She let her mind drift into a daze.

It was just a dream…and yet, it wasn't…

Tsukuyo gulped a little. She didn't want to admit it, but the nightmare she had just experienced had been no ordinary dream. It was actually memories of her childhood, and they were somewhat traumatizing, to say the least.

Tsukuyo lowered her head farther below her curled-up knees, and tightened her grip on her legs. Now that her memories had been stirred, it was hard to stop thinking about them…

"Mommy, are we going to starve?"

The little girl's mother looked at her with a frown. She really was a miserable woman. "I…don't know…"

The young Tsukuyo didn't like to hear that answer. It scared her. Her mother never was very reassuring…

"Is there anything I can do to help?" asked Tsukuyo.

The mother looked a little apprehensive, but her frown persisted. "We'll see…"

Tsukuyo had originally been born into a dirt-poor family. Her parents were miserable farmers that managed to survive by barely scraping by every year. Tsukuyo had never really realized it when she was younger, but looking back on it, her parents really weren't a happy bunch. They didn't live to achieve happiness. They lived solely for the sake of living.

Grow the food. Eat the food. Sell the food. Scrape by. Repeat.

It was boring for the most part, and Tsukuyo rarely ever got the chance to meet someone new. But that was farm life. As the years passed, Tsukuyo's family's situation slowly worsened. They became poorer, and the idea of scraping by was becoming harder by the day.

As a little girl, Tsukuyo tried to do her best to ease her family's burden in whatever way she could. She helped with farm work, chores, whatever it took to get by. That's how her parents had raised her, anyway. They had never told Tsukuyo this, but it had always been secretly implied that her parents would have no use for a girl that couldn't work. But Tsukuyo didn't mind. She was glad to help, just so long as they could all manage to scrape by, together.

Until, one night…

Tsukuyo had snuck out of bed after hearing a random conversation between her father and some stranger. Lazily rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, Tsukuyo approached the front door, which was cracked open…

"Listen, this Yoshiwara place, you can take the girl there."

"The girl?" some stranger asked. "What value does she have?"

"She can do whatever you need. Servant work. And then, after a few years, I guarantee she'll turn out as beautiful as her mom."

"Hmm…I don't know…"

"Please consider," the girl's father begged. "We…could really use the money…"

Tsukuyo, too young to really understand the situation, decided to make her presence known. Pushing open the door, she walked outside. "Daddy?"

The two men looked at her, startled. Her father simply frowned. The other man looked curious.

"This the one?" he asked.

"Yes…"

"Hmm…"

Her father anxiously awaited his answer, almost completely ignoring Tsukuyo. "Well, what do you think? She has potential, right?"

"Well, you could be right," the stranger hummed. "She might find some use in Yoshiwara…"

At the time, Tsukuyo didn't think much of the encounter. But sure enough, a few days later, the very same stranger came and took her away. Tsukuyo's parents tried to explain to her that she was going away to live somewhere else, but she hadn't really understood. Tsukuyo just simply said goodbye with a blank face, and before long, ended up in the endless night that was Yoshiwara.

Time passed, and Yoshiwara truly came to be Tsukuyo's new home. Hinowa became her new mother figure. Jiraiya, her father figure. Her attitude changed. She became more stubborn and fierce, but also more kind hearted and sympathetic. She trained, and became a great warrior that Yoshiwara could rely on. And looking back, it hadn't been an easy life, not in the slightest. But still, it was the one she had made for herself, and she was proud of it.

But that was the old me Tsukuyo thought with a frown. The new me is a housewife, and a soon to be mother…

Tsukuyo's eyes glazed over. Just like my mom was...

Suddenly, the sound of someone approaching interrupted her thoughts. She quickly turned around to find Gintoki standing behind her.

"Hey, what are you doing out here?" he asked with a yawn.

Tsukuyo just stared at him. "Nothing…"

Gintoki stared back skeptically, not believing that for a second. "Are you cold?" he asked, changing the subject.

Tsukuyo looked down at her clenched up figure, and for the first time noticed that she was indeed feeling a little chilly. Before she could even respond however, Gintoki had already draped a blanket around her. "Comfy?" he asked.

She just nodded, not sure how else to respond.

Gintoki soon walked around the couch and took a seat next to her. He gently reached over and rested his arm behind her shoulders. Unconsciously, she leaned into it.

"Care to tell me what's on your mind?" he asked softly.

Tsukuyo glanced at him, but looked away. There was no point in trying to hide the truth.

"Gintoki…I'm scared."

Gintoki looked a little surprised. Tsukuyo wasn't really the type to be frightened of something. She was usually tougher than that.

"Scared? Of what?"

Tsukuyo sighed. "Being a mother…"

Gintoki just stared at her as a long silence settled between them. Eventually, he asked, "Why?"

Tsukuyo frowned, and chose to snuggle a little closer to him. She knew that she would have to share her past with him. Her past before Yoshiwara, and her experience with her parents. She had never told anyone this before, and she honestly didn't like dwelling on it at all.

But, if she had to tell someone…

"It might as well be you," she whispered.

"Huh?" asked Gintoki, a little confused.

However, before he even had a chance to question what was going on, Tsukuyo started sharing her past with him. It was the very life that she had experienced since day one, and she told him everything. The farm, her parents, the stranger, and finally her arrival in Yoshiwara. Gintoki just remained silent as he took it all in.

Eventually, she finished her tale, and silence encompassed the couple once more. Time passed, and Tsukuyo ended up being the first to speak.

"Gintoki, I really am worried about being a parent," she said quietly. "Those facts you brought up earlier, about us not knowing what we're doing, and that we don't know how to raise a kid, those facts scare me…"

She then looked up at him. "And on top of it all, I'm honestly a little worried that I'll end up becoming just like my own mother: an uncaring and miserable parent…"

Gintoki just stared at her, and soon tightened his hold on her. "Tsukuyo, don't worry, that won't happen."

"How do you know?" she asked skeptically.

"Because you're different," he stated truthfully. "You're not uncaring, nor miserable. You know this."

Tsukuyo nodded a little, but didn't feel totally convinced. Gintoki noticed this, and just gave a sigh.

"Listen, I'm scared too," he said quietly.

Tsukuyo stared at him, a little surprised. "What?"

"It's true," he said, looking away. "I know that at times it may seem like I know everything about this, but I don't. I'm honestly just as scared as you are, and I really have no idea whether I'll be a good father or not…"

Tsukuyo stared at him in disbelief. She had no idea that he was apparently feeling the same way as her. "Gintoki," she whispered.

"I don't know if I'll be a good father or not," he repeated quietly. "But, I do know that I will try my best to fulfill that role. And I know that I can do that, by taking after my deceased master."

"Y-your master?" Tsukuyo repeated, surprised.

"Yeah," said Gintoki as he turned to her once more. "It's the same for you isn't it? Sure, you don't know anything about being a mother, but don't you have people in your life that you can model yourself after?"

Tsukuyo stared at him in awe. She had never considered this before, and yet what he was saying made perfect sense. "Of course," she said quietly.

"You should also keep this in mind," Gintoki continued. "No matter what we go through as parents, we'll do it together. There's no doubt that it will definitely be a learning experience, but it's nothing that the two of us can't handle, right?"

Tsukuyo silently nodded, grateful for his words. He really did have a way of calming her down and making her feel better. It was then that Tsukuyo realized that she felt something inside of her that she had never truly experienced with her own mother.

I feel…reassured she thought with a light smile.

Dwelling on this, Tsukuyo smiled at Gintoki one last time before she rested her head against his chest. In response, he simply rubbed her arm and then held her close. Naturally, they both found this embrace to be comfortable, so they continued to sit in this position until the two of them inevitably rested their eyes, and one after the other drifted off to sleep…

The next morning, Gintoki woke up to find his wife still resting in his arms. She was still wrapped up in the blanket he had given her, and was comfortably leaning against his body. He simply watched her for a moment before checking the time. Having realized that it was almost time to go to work, he decided to excuse himself.

He managed to adjust Tsukuyo so that he was no longer supporting her, and soon freed himself. He then got to his feet, and was about to walk away when he heard his name be called.

"Gintoki," Tsukuyo mumbled, half-awake and watching him. "You leaving?"

Gintoki stared at her for a second before coming back and gently running his hand through her hair. "I'm going to work," he explained quietly. "I'll be back tonight. You just go back to sleep."

Tsukuyo continued to watch him, but soon nodded. "Okay, stay safe."

"And you take it easy," he told her seriously. He then smiled and gave her a light kiss on the forehead. Tsukuyo smiled back.

After that, Tsukuyo went ahead and readjusted herself on the couch so that she was more comfortable, and soon went straight back to snoozing. Gintoki watched her until he was satisfied, and then finally went to go get ready for the day.

That evening, Gintoki came home after doing Odd Jobs work all day. To his relief, the first thing he saw when he walked in the door was Tsukuyo's jacket hanging on the wall. Good, she stayed home after all he thought. Even though Tsukuyo had promised not to go to work for the time being, he wondered if the temptation would end up being too much for her.

Deciding to make sure that his assumption was correct, he turned the corner and entered the kitchen. Thankfully, he ended up seeing Tsukuyo there, safe and sound. She had her back turned to him, and was apparently cooking something on the stove. Gintoki smiled at this, and decided to sneak up behind her.

"What are you up to?" he asked with a smirk.

Tsukuyo, not expecting this, immediately jumped out of surprise. Relying on instincts, she flipped around and hurled a kunai at this new threat.

Which…turned out to be her husband…

Tsukuyo and Gintoki frowned at each other, while blood started to drip down the latter's face.

"Um," said Tsukuyo awkwardly. "You, uh, here…" She gently reached up and removed the weapon with a light tug. She then hid it away, and soon went back to what she was working on, as if nothing had happened.

Gintoki just stared at her back, not sure what to say. "So, uh, what are you up to?" he asked again.

Tsukuyo paused before answering. "I'm…making dinner…"

"Oh, really?" asked Gintoki, surprised. Tsukuyo didn't cook dinner very often, even though she did learn the basics from Hinowa. "So I take it that you didn't go to work today?"

"Of course not," she replied with a frown. "I told you that I would stop, didn't I?"

"Yeah, I know," he told her as he wandered off to other parts of the kitchen. "I'm just making sure you stuck to your word."

"Tch, I don't break promises," she huffed. "I stayed at home all day, doing chores."

Gintoki went to the fridge and helped himself to some delicious strawberry milk. "I see, very nice. I understand that that might not have been easy for you. I commend your efforts."

"Hmph," grunted Tsukuyo. "Cooking and cleaning instead of working. I feel like a plain old housewife."

Gintoki laughed a little at this. "And what's wrong with being a plain old housewife for a change?"

Tsukuyo wanted to give him an unsatisfied retort, but stopped herself as her thoughts drifted to the developing child inside of her. Heaving a sigh, she said, "Nothing, really." She then gestured to the nearby dining table. "Go ahead and take a seat, the food's ready."

Gintoki gave her a curious look, noticing something strange in her tone. She's acting different he thought. Nevertheless, he complied with her request and took a seat.

Tsukuyo soon served him the meal she had prepared before joining him at the table. She then mostly ignored her own food, choosing instead to look at her husband. "Gintoki, I thought a lot about what you told me last night, and I honestly feel better."

Gintoki raised an eyebrow at her. "Oh?"

"It's true, what you said really calmed me down," she continued. "I don't feel as scared or worried anymore about becoming a parent. In fact…I feel like I'm ready to start taking a few steps forward in becoming a parent."

Gintoki just stared at her, wondering what she was trying to tell him. Tsukuyo stared back for a moment, but soon looked away and gave a small smile.

"Listen, I'm willing to give up my job at Yoshiwara for the time being. I'm perfectly okay with that. I know that I might not find it easy to relax all the time, but it's nothing I can't live with. Besides, I can just go back to my job once the baby comes anyway…"

Tsukuyo paused. "And another thing," she continued. "I've…decided to give up smoking…forever."

Gintoki just froze, and stared at her like she was talking crazy. Since when did she start making these kinds of responsible decisions?

"What? Tsukuyo, are you really okay with that?"

"Yeah," she sighed positively. "I figured that having a habit of smoking wouldn't do our child any good. Not now, not ever."

Gintoki didn't know how to respond. "Well, I guess not, but um, Tsukuyo, you do know that that sort of thing really isn't necessary, right? You can go back to smoking after the baby comes."

Tsukuyo shook her head. "Nah, I'm better off without it."

"But…but won't it be hard to quit completely?"

"It's nothing I can't handle," she said with a shrug. "I'll manage."

"But still," Gintoki persisted, "won't doing that feel like giving up a part of yourself?"

Tsukuyo just sighed at this. "I said it was fine, didn't I? Look, I thought about this a lot today, and well, it just feels like the right decision. So, I'm sticking to it."

Gintoki just stared at her, surprised, yet impressed. "That's just…Wow…I didn't think you'd be willing to go so far for a kid that's not even here yet."

"I told you yesterday," said Tsukuyo with a smile, "that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep our child safe. And I meant that. But now I also want to tell you something else…"

Tsukuyo gave him a soft and warm look of love. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep our child happy."

Gintoki just stared at her in complete awe. He couldn't deny it. That soft and warm look, right before him, it was the look of a mother.

Gintoki smiled at her, trying to return the look as best he could. "You're going to be a good mom," he told her sincerely.

Tsukuyo blushed a little at this, not having expected such a comment. "Oh…Thank you…"

Gintoki just nodded, silently admiring her sudden and willing dedication. She appeared to have come such a long way in just a couple of days. It was astounding, really. Tsukuyo honestly would end up making an exceptional mother at this rate.

As Gintoki dwelled on this though, he soon frowned.

But what about me? he wondered.

"Oh this guy? Yeah, I know him."

Yagami grinned, and slowly lowered the sketch in his hand. "Really?" he asked, sounding interested.

"Yeah," replied the man he was questioning. "He's the Odd Jobs guy. Gin-san, I believe. He's helped me out on a job before. He was kind of loud and annoying, but a relatively nice guy all around."

"I see," said Yagami, happy to finally get some information after showing the sketch to several people. "Do you know where I can find him, by any chance?"

"Yeah, he manages his operations in the Kabukicho district," the man explained. "It's on top of a snack bar. You can usually find him there."

"Perfect," Yagami replied with a grin that showed his teeth. "I will go seek him out there then. Thank you for the information."

"No problem," said the man with a wave goodbye.

Yagami simply turned away, and started heading towards his new destination.

Kabukicho it is then…

So this was kind of a new experience for me. I've never written a chapter like this before, where I have to completely make up a character's backstory. I know that I've done it with little things here and there, but never something as informative and revealing as this. It felt…weird XD But at the same time, I enjoyed what I wrote for Tsukuyo. It just felt right, I suppose. I guess what I'm trying to say, as always, is that I hope you enjoyed it XD

Anyways, I guess this chapter was the "Tsukuyo coming to terms with being a parent" chapter. That's quite a title, huh? But it's true. I wanted to think about what ways Tsukuyo would consider changing herself in order to be a better parent for her child. The answers I came up with were no more smoking and being more careful. I think that's a good fit, don't you?

So yeah, I guess we've been focusing on Tsukuyo a lot lately, but we'll be switching over to Gintoki next. So, look forward to that! Other than that, please feel free to leave a review! And also go vote in my poll if you haven't already! It's not hard! That's all for now! Bye!