The next day i spent with Christina, trying to destract myself from what was coming. We went to her favorite places, ate more icecream than ever. For short period of
time i felt happy again, almost untouched by evil and clean from blood. I was laughing and smiling for the first time in so many months. My daughter grew up so fast
and turned into such a young beautiful lady. She was better than me. Much better. I put everything on the line for her and never regreted it, not even for one second.
But my future with Christina was in great danger. I could be locked up for years.
- Mom, i'm going to be there in court! You won't be alone there...- We were sitting on the sofa, holding hands.
- No,baby...you can't be there...it's a closed hearing...more over they will be playing dirty so you shouldn't hear their lies. - I kissed her forehead
trying to sound as calm as possible.
- Mom, you will be there alone! Without support! - Christina looked up at me with her big pure eyes and it sent a pang to my heart.
- I will be with my lawyer and Woz will be there too...it will be ok...- I hugged her as tight as i could, supressing tears.
- Then i will be waiting for you in the corridor...- My sweet little girl had my back.
- I love you so much...no words can express it...- Every fiber of my being belonged to her.
- I love you too,Mom... - Christina looked at me with tears in her eyes and burried her face in my chest.
I was standing before a painfully familiar door. It was Stahl's appartment. The corridor looked the same,everything was credible enough to make me feel like it was
real. The first thought was to leave as fast as possible but everything in me wanted to knock on that door. So i did.
- Detective...- The door opened and there was Stahl in unusually casual grey shirt and jeans. It looked like a laid-back version of Stahl.
- May i come in? - I mumbled rolling my eyes.
- You're always welcome...- He smiled at me, not moving away to let me in.
- Stahl? - I looked at him, waiting for him to step back.
- I'm just savoring the moment, Harlee. I've missed it...the times when you would knock on my door... - He was staring at me like an enamored schoolboy.
- Stop it! - I pushed him away irritably and walked in.
- You are always like this with me...- I heard his cheerful giggle.
- What a good time for you, Stahl...happy time...you are getting what you always wanted... - I looked around his blank appartment and felt shivers running down my
spine.
- Not really... - He closed the door,scoping me up and down.
- Well,i'm just curious what you're going to do after you put me behind bars...if you put me there...and if you don't end up in jail too...you will find another woman to
ruin her life...- I sat down on his couch. Those dreams became normal to me.
- Oh, Harlee, you are a jealous type... - He whispered mockingly.
- Yes, i am...how will i live without your protection and love! - Malice was pouring out of me.
- Common,Harlee! You can't be replaced...you are special in every way...- Stahl lowered his voice,coming closer to me.
- And i know why...because i disclosed your dirt...no one could do it but me...- I was taunting him, not feeling any fear.
- There's a purpose...you set me free and now it's my turn to help you... - He squatted down before me.
- True friend... - I mumbled bitterly.
- I always wanted to have a normal civil relationship with you,but you started to lie and play both parts...and the game began... - Stahl gave me his innocent face,
using his bright blue eyes that seemed angelic if you didn't look long enough.
- Civil relationship? I've seen what kind of relantionship you wanted to have... - Unfortunately i couldn't forget that video.
- You knew it from the start...you know your power,Harlee...but we could have ended our deal differently...without all this mess...- Stahl slowly put his hands on my
knees just like that time, when i was tied up to the stool.
- I could never betray Waz!So i had to lie...but you...you can't control your sick urges... - I put my hands on his and clawed into his skin.
- Harlee, there's a beautiful thing about pain...it's either severe or prolonged but it's never both...- He squinted his eyes, not trying to take off his hands. I
remembered those words that he said to me in the metro, when he poked his finger with a pin.
- You think that this revenge will satisfy you...nothing can,Stahl...you are a black hole that sucks everything in and can't stop...it will never be enough...- I was
digging my nails deeper into his skin.
- You get it,Harlee...all or nothing...i want to consume you...and i'm very close to it... - Stahl's eyes were burning me. It was an explosive mixture of
hatred,lust,admiration and disgust. The blood started dripping from his hands on a perfectly clean white floor.
- Stahl,it's the end...the final frontier...- I looked at him, trying to see fear in his eyes.
- It's going to be epic,Harlee...- He gave me a chilling predatory smile, making me pull my hands away.
Stahl looked down at his bruised hands and started laughing hysterically. I stood up and saw that my arms were covered in blood. The room started to spin. I
stormed out of his appartment.
- Harlee!My poor Harlee! - Stahl's frantic shouts were ringing in my head as i run through the corridor.
I was trying to get away but that corridor seemed neverending and Stahl's voice in my head was growing louder.
- Mom,wake up! - I heard Christina's voice interrapting my nightmare.
I opened my eyes, feeling like my whole body was set on fire.
- Mom,you were screaming! - Christina was shaking me.
- It's ok!Just a bad dream...- I was covered in sweat. Christina hugged me so tight that i could hear her heartbeating.
- I will be here with you...- She lay beside me, soothing me.
My little girl was saving me from darkness that was devouring me.
The day before the first court hearing i went to Jeff. We needed to get through the whole line of defence. He had everything connected to my resume. 10 years of
great police work,the statistic of the criminal activity in New York that diminished by 50 %. Jeff wanted to create a very good image for me.
- Who will be there from FBI? - Somehow I felt calm even though the storm was coming.
- Katie Myers. - Jeff was wearing a white coat that made him look like a doctor.
- Great...she doesn't like me... - My mind threw me a memory of her stern face. Something in her eyes was very unsettling.
- We won't pay attention to it. The main thing is - we have to make it believable,that you had nothing to do with actual murder,even though you threw the knife away.
- He said in a matter-of-fact tone.
- I had nothing to do with Gina's murder. - I enunciated irritably.
- Of course,Harlee. We have to make sure that everybody else will think the same. - Jeff looked at me and added hastily.
- And judge? Who will it be? - I didn't really care,but i thought i should ask.
- Brian McCain. He has a very good reputation - My lawyer was positive about everything.
- What about...Stahl? Will they call him to testify? - That was the main question for me.
- I don't know. There's a possibility that they you have to be ready and stay calm. I know it's very hard for you. - Jeff was carefully selecting right words with
compassionate face.
- I will get by... - Nothing could sound more fake than that.
I meditated whole evening,trying to concentrate and channel my mind into a peaceful direction. But everytime i closed my eyes Stahl's face was staring at me.
- Harlee,you seem pretty skilled creating your own reality. You killed a man with your bare hands and covered it up. It was like a flip switch and you became a
stranger... - James was looking at me with disbelief. He had a cut on his arm.
I remembered the day when it happened. When i finished Bianci right infront of him and he could see what i was capable of.
- James...- I whispered,completely enamored by his presence. I knew it wasn't real but i didn't care.
- Tell me the truth,Harlee! - He was demanding the answer.
I couldn't supress myself from leaning closer. The need to touch him was unbearable. I streched out my hand,caressing his cheek. Those emerald eyes that i loved
and missed so much,that soft brown beard,those full lips that i loved to kiss. He was so close and alive.
- James,don't go away!Please don't let this dream end!I don't want to wake up! - I fell on his neck like a child,begging for protection.
- Harlee...- He hesitated, not pushing me away and not hugging me in return. James was standing like a rock.
- Please...hold me...i need you...- I was trying to get to him,break that ice between us.
But he was silent and cold.
- James...- I looked up at him and clung to his lips. Tears were streaming down my face like a lava.
Finally i felt his reaction. He started to kiss me very gently like he was afraid,that i would push him away. My mind and my body were in sync. I wanted him,every
part of him.
- I've missed you so much...- I mumbled,kissing his neck and unbuttoning his shirt. I was like a thirsty animal that finally found a watering hole.
- Harlee... - I heard his moan.
I pushed him against the wall. Passion took over me.
- Hey,you are really hungry...- He smiled at me and grabbed my shoulders,trying to slow me down.
- James,please...- I was leaning to his lips,begging him not to stop.
He was examining me like he had never seen me like that before.
- Tell me what you want? - He asked mischievously. I could hear his heart beating very fast,he was out of breath. Obviously he wanted it as much as i did.
- I want you... - I whispered with all the love and desire that i had for him.
- What exactly do you want me to do to you? - James's eyes were piercing me. I could see raging fire in there.
- Stop taunting me...- I groaned, trying to erase the space between us.
- Just say it... - He whispered right in my lips,not letting me kiss him.
- Fuck me...- I exhaled,unable to take it any longer.
- As you wish...- His eyes flashed victoriously.
James grabbed me and carried me to a table, that was standing in the middle of the room. He started to tear off my clothes.
- Yes! - I exclaimed, doing the same to his clothes.
We never had something like that before. James was always gentle and his passion was never that rough. But i liked it. It was all-consuming fire that i needed. His
hands were everywhere. I closed my eyes,letting him do whatever he wanted.
- James... - I moaned when he traced the line from my neck to my ear with his tongue. Instantly i felt his hand cover my mouth.
- Finally...- I heard his whisper as he started kissing my chest.
- Do it...please...- My passsion completely took over me.
I felt his hand between my legs.
- That's my girl... - I heard barely audible moan. Something in his voice didn't feel right.
I opened my eyes and screamed at the top of my lungs.
Stahl was above me.
- No! - I was trying to push him away histerically.
- Common,Harlee! Let me give you something that he could never give!Something that you always wanted but could never admit to yourself! - Stahl grabbed my
wrists.
- No!Let me go!- I was franticly twitching under him.
- Harlee,you are mine!Can't you feel it! - He leaned closer,staring at me with his cold blue eyes.
- Never!Even at gunpoint!Never! - I started crying,feeling like i lost my mind.
Stahl let me go and stepped back.I jumped up,grabbing my clothes.
- It was James!Not you...not you...- I mumbled,covering myself shamefully.
- Oh,Harlee...why do you do it to yourself?- Stahl's quiet voice was hammering me to the ground.
- Shut up! - I felt so dirty and ashamed of myself.
- You know subconscience is such a tricky thing,especially when it's traumatized...you wanted to see your Nava, but it was me standing right infront of you the whole
time, because you let me in...only me...there's nobody else here,Harlee...and it's your will...- Stahl's face was like a mask - no emotion at all.
- It's not my will!I didn't want you to be in my head!You screwed me up! - I started to move away from him,crawling to the wall. My legs got numb and i couldn't
stand up.
- Everything that happens here...in your dreams...is of your own making...you can't stand up,because you don't let yourself...i'm here not Nava,because you want me
to be here with you...- Stahl was coming closer,narrowing the gap between us.
- No...it can't be true...please...no...- I was pressed to the wall and had nowhere to run.
Stahl was standing above me like an embodiment of my insanity. It wasn't Stahl that i knew. It was just a shell for my agony. I chose his face to haunt me. I created
a perverted punishment for myself. Great job,Harlee!
I woke up soaking wet. Totaly crashed and devastated. It was my own creation. Those nightmares were the punishment, that my conscience chose for me.