My life wasn't getting any better like i thought it would. The bug couldn't help me,because Stahl didn't talk at all. I underestimated that prick. But i had to admit that

me calling him by his name did something to him. I didn't know was it a good or a bad thing. Was it the last proof of my complete defeat or a rivival of his interest.

Stahl didn't turn around but he was taken aback. I made a wrong decision by acting too weak. God,i wish i could turn back the time...How did i let that mess happen

to me? How did i end up being such a looser...I wanted to kill Stahl. I didn't care how,when and where.

I was spending my days,staring out of the window. Blondie would come one time in two days to lead me to the yard for 40 minutes walk. I was among sick

women,still sure that i wasn't crazy like them...

- Harlee,have you started a diary? - Dr. Gleeson was looking at me with his usual sincere compassion.

- No. - I mumbled irritably. Frankly I couldn't even think about anything except for Stahl.

- You need to. I gave you a notebook last time. Where is it? - His voice sounded distant and useless.

- I don't remember... - I answered,avoiding his gaze. Of course i knew where it was - in the trash can,ripped into pieces. I took out all my rage on that poor innocent

notebook.

- Harlee,look at me. What happened since the last session? I thought that we made a progress and also your friend from work visited you. - He was conserned about

my wellbeing,which annoyed me even more.

- Yeah...he was here...thank you for giving me an opportunity to see my friends once a week. - I mumbled with fake gratitude.

- What has changed since our last session? - Doctor was relentless.

- I just dodn't think i can do it...i have a bad luck lately. - I shrugged my shoulders.

- don't. It's normal to have ups and downs in the mood. Don't overthink your life too much. That's why i want you to keep a diary. It helps to take out all your bad

thought on the paper. If you don't want to write than draw. - He put his hands on the table like a school teacher.

- Ok,i will try it today... - I nodded reluctantly. All i wanted was to be done with that session.

To make time pass faster i started a diary. I had to keep my head busy,until the next visitor's day. At first i wanted to write something but instead my hand started to

draw weird patterns,that resembled snakes. I could do that for hours. Somehow it made me feel better.

At night i didn't have much sleep and even if i had couple hours i didn't see Stahl anymore. I was torn by two opposite feelings - relief and worry. Of course i was glad

that i didn't see his pale face,but at the same time it didn't feel right. As if i lost him and couldn't reach. That fear of not seeing him again was so strong. It meant

that i would spend the rest of my life locked up in asylum,while he would be free.

Next visitor's day I still had a little hope,that Stahl could come back. When Blondie led me through the corridor,my expectations weren't high. At least i knew that if it

wasn't Stahl,it would be Woz. But when i walked in, my eyes almost burst out.

- Mom... - My daughter stood up,obviously shocked by my appearance.

- Christina! - I rushed to her with every fiber of my being.

- Mom...i'm sorry...- She mumbled,hugging me tightly.

Tears were streaming down my face like an endless waterfall.

- I've missed you so much! - I couldn't be happier in that magical moment,when my daughter was in my arms.

- Me too...- She whispered softly in my ear.

Finally we managed to break our tight loving embrace.

- Mom,you look so...tired and exhausted...- Christina's beautiful hazel eyes were full of sadness and devastation.

- Yes,because i'm in asylum. Don't worry,i'm just fine...your mom is a fighter,never forget it. - I smiled at my sweet baby as gleefully as i could.

- Woz was very patient with me. He didn't push me to visit you...i wanted so badly to see you...but i was angry and hurt... - Christina started mumbling nervously.

- Don't even apologize. The only person,who needs to say sorry is me. I lied to you so many times...i'm sorry. - Finally i could come clean with my daughter - my

reason to live.

- I know you had no choice. Woz told me everything. Miguel was an awful man...i will never call him "father". - Her face got distorted with disgust.

- Forget about him. He will never bother us. If i had to kill him again to protect you,i would do it hundred times. - I touched her cheeks that were wet from tears. My

heart was ready to explode from amount of love i had for her.

- Mom,you can't stay here. We have to do something! - Christina desperately grabbed my hand,shaking like a leaf.

- We will. I know how but it takes time. - I couldn't bare that pain in her eyes.

- That Agent needs to be here and not you! - My daughter looked like me in the moments of emotional outbursts.

- And he will! - I said as convincingly as i could,though inside i had a lot of doubts.

- Mom,can i help you with it? - Christina squinted her eyes.

- No. There's nothing you can do...but Woz can. Tell him to keep his eye on Stahl. - I whispered,holding her hand tightly.

- I got it. But you still think that i'm not old enough for your games... - She pursed her lips mockingly and giggled.

The sound of her laughter made me forget where we were and how tired i was. It was just like the old happy days.

- I love you more than you will ever know... - I hugged her,closing my eyes to savor that moment.

- You are the best mother in the world. - Christina's voice cracked,she was trying so hard not to cry. My girl wanted to be strong for me.

I came back to my room,feeling such a boost of hope and energy. My daughter finally forgave me. In that moment i felt like i could break all the walls in

that asylum. Somehow i managed to subdue the dreadful thought,that Stahl wouldn't visit me again. Next week i spent meditating and drawing wierd patterns

in my diary.

- So i can see a very positive dynamic after you had a visit from your daughter. It's so obvious. - Dr. Gleeson was sipping his favorite tea.

- Yes. After i saw her,everything started to have a meaning again... - I was sitting in the armchair,completely relaxed for the first time.

- Your drawings are very significant in telling me what is going on in your head. - He was going through my diary like it was the book full of Egyptian hieroglyphics

that needed to be decoded.

- And what can you say? - I felt slightly amused by his seriousness.

- Well,you are confused...you want things that contradict each other. - 's voice was calm and soothing.

- You have a point - I nodded to him,not denying that he was right.

- Harlee,tell me what do you want and what do you fear the most? - He looked at me and i instantly felt under a microscope.

- I want to be free...and i'm scared of being imprisoned... - I answered rather quikly. Of course it was half truth. I wanted to kill Stahl and i was scared of becoming

the monster.

- There's something else,Harlee. Something more personal...- 's experience was helping him to read between the lines.

- I'm confused...you said it youself,Doctor... - I made a sad face,pretending to be very lost.

- I will help you. What about that man? - He was staring at me,examining my facial expressions.

- That man is less and less in my dreams and in my head. - Just like the old good days,Harlee was mixing truth with lies again.

- Are you sure? - Doctor's tone was full of suspicion.

- Yes,i am - I put all my acting skills in to those 3 words.

- I hope it's true,Harlee. Lying to me is not helpful for you in any way. - Doctor looked at me with mixture of disapproval and sadness.

- I'm doing all i can not to think about him but...you always bring him up. - Suddenly i felt extreme headache like someone hit me with a hammer.

- Because obsession doesn't go away easily. We need to and we have to talk about it. - He frowned,putting aside my so-called diary.

- I understand... - My mind got filled with anger as soon as Doctor made me think about Stahl.

- What do you feel right now? Tell me. - His voice sounded unusually strict and demanding.

- I feel rage just from one thought of him. - I squeezed my temples as if it could cease my headache.

- Only rage? Think about it... - Doctor wasn't satisfied with my short answer.

I took a pause. What did he wanted to hear from me? Probably,Doctor waited for a long passionate answer.

- I hate everything that could be connected to him. Every memory makes me cringe with disgust. But i need to see him...- I really despised how true my answer

actually was.

- Very good,Harlee. That's honesty. - Doctor's eyes glimmered with approval.

After 's session i felt puzzled by my own feelings. There was something very unsettling about my thoughts. Maybe i was really becoming obsessed.

I started to doubt my sanity and it was scarry.

My daughter was saving me from dwelling on that topic for too long. I decided to think about her,remember our walks to the park,where she would ride on her little

green bicycle. Christina was such a precious baby girl. She had a special charm, that made everyone turn around in affection. Who would i be? Where would i be if it

wasn't for her?

I heard loud sounds of a working washing machine. Instantly i opened my eyes. I was in the middle of Stahl's appartment. Neat,clean and blank with no personality.

There was furniture,but still it felt empty.

- Stahl? - I called,hoping that he was there to answer. I scared myself. How did i end up wanting to see that prick.

Silence. Just washing machine working.

Slowly i made my way to the bathroom. I saw a lot of towels covered in blood. They were scattered on the floor,while clothes were in the washing machine.

The familiar slizzy hands of fear wrapped around me. Panic kicked in. The first thing i wanted to do - to shut down that washing machine. I pushed the

"stop"button,but it was still working. I unplugged it and it was still working even with more enthusiasm.

- Stop! - I screamed hysterically. All the anger,fear and panic rose in me. I was beating that loud washing machine with all my might.

I grabbed the handle and opened it up. All the clothes flooded out at my feet. I looked closely and recognized my beige blouse. I picked it up. Blood stains were all

over it. Then i saw my jeans,my favorite brown coat. Finally it hit me,that all the clothes were mine.

I woke up in my hospital room,feeling like all my entrails were set on fire.

Next days i spent running away from thoughts about that nightmare. It was really hard to do. I felt dirty,i started to see blood stains everywhere -

on the walls,in sandwhiches that i couldn't eat,on the window pane,on my pillow. I knew it wasn't real,but it still haunted me, made me feel sick.

Women that i saw in canteen were different. Some were chatty,others were silent. I was in "silent" group. Melly was gone,so i didn't have anyone to talk to. And not

that i wanted to. When i was walking in the yard,i bet i looked just like the rest of them. Silent,grumpy,broken and unstable.

Another week passed and visitor's day came again. I was waiting for Waz. I knew that Christina told him how awful i looked. Blondie came in very early

in the morning and i saw happy smirk on her face.

- Let's go. You have a visitor. - She tried to sound formal,but i could feel her excitement.

I stood up,sencing something strange about her glowing appearance. Maybe she fell in love. Yes,probably her personal life was going well. We were walking through

the corridor,when we passed the door of visitor's room. I looked at her with question. Blondie just winked at me and led me to the yard.

- Today you have a special opportunity. - Blondie whispered to me conspiratorially and left.

I was puzzled for a second,but decided that probably Waz befriended Dr. Gleeson. The only bench in the yard was occupied by a male figure and it wasn't Waz.

My heart sank,when i finally realized who that was. Stahl was sitting like he owned that bench,not looking in my direction.

His posture,his face,everything in him showed me that he was in control of the situation and i was helpless.

"Dammit!I forgot to take the bug" - I exclaimed inwardly.

Stahl finally acknowledged my presence. His steel-blue eyes locked on me. I didn't feel anything except for a little rush of satisfaction.

Stahl was still examining me from head to toe and moved back to leave enough space for me on the bench.

The closer i got to him,the more fear was kicking in. I sat down next to him,trying to hide my rapid breathing.

- You don't want to talk to me - After a long pause,I decided to take matters into my own hands. I wanted to sound confident,but all that i could do

was whisper. I held my breath,waiting for his answer.

- I guess now you're ready to talk. - He finally spoke. I felt shivers runnning down my spine.

His voice sounded deeper than usual or maybe i just didn't hear his voice for a long time.

- Yes,i am. - I swallowed but my mouth was dry as desert. We weren't looking at each other.

- Good. - He said sternly,staring at asylum's walls. I felt like Stahl was hesitating and didn't know what to tell me.

- Were you waiting for me to speak up first? - After an awkward pause i generated a question.

- I wanted to see what you would do,how you would behave. - He answered matter-of-factly.

- It's a part of your experiment. - I mumbled almost inaudibly.

- I could imagine any outcome but not your total defeat. - Stahl's voice had that familiar venom intertwined with his suave tone.

His remark reassured me,that my appearance and attitude shocked him. That was why he didn't talk to me the first time.

- But isn't it what you always wanted? - I asked,pushing away an urge to strangle him rigt there and then.

- Not actually. - Stahl moved on the bench,though i couldn't tell closer or further from me.

- You wanted to see me punished. So your dream came true. - I spit out irritably.

- Harlee...- He purred my name with familiar tenderness.

I couldn't help but cringe - Memories of me being tied up to a chair,feeling helpless in his near presence hit me like a ton of bricks.

- Why are you here? - I mumbled,trying to supress panic that was creeping in.

- Because you wanted me here...didn't you? - He said,putting his arm across the bench. I could feel his hand almost caressing my shoulder.

- My doctor told me that i have to deal with my demons so... - I tried to sound sarcastic,but my trembling voice gave me away.

- Of course. Now you're listening to 's advice. He told me that you had a meltdown couple of times. I said to him that i was your

friend from work,which isn't far away from the truth. - Stahl was talking idly,mocking me with every word.

- You can be very nice when you need to use somebody. I just want a truce,so i can heal. - Old Harlee's tricks came out again.

- I can't believe my own ears. - Stahl's soft chuckle couldn't be more insulting.

- I really mean it. - I balled up my fists.

- It's not you,Harlee Santos...not you - Stahl finally turned to me,trying to find something in my eyes.

His face was so close. I couldn't help but avoid his stare.

- Look at me... - He demanded with that familiar steel tone,just like he used to threaten me when something didn't go his way.

I turned my face to him reluctantly. His cold blue eyes were burning me. I couldn't look at him any longer and turned away.

- I don't want a truce,Harlee. Not with you... - Stahl whispered almost inaudibly. It sounded so answer brought another rush of anxiety.

- Why not? I remember you told me that you wanted to have a normal relationship with me... - My mind was working hard to give me enough stamina to keep

that conversation going.

- Probably the second step in your healing will be making friends with me...don't disappoint me,Harlee...You are a convicted felon.

We are on different sides of the tracks and we've always been. - His arrogant condescendin tone was cutting me like a knife. I knew that my offer sounded rediculous

and so unlike old Harlee.

- We will never be friends. It's impossible. But i need you to give me peace... - My mubling was pathetic.

- Harlee,wake up. Don't lose last shreds of your dignity. - Stahl stood up and looked at me with felt like an electric shock through my veins.

- You brought me here!Made me lose everything while you deserve to be here more than me. - Rage took over me. I could feel that even my exhausted body

was ready to attack him. The tension was too much to handle.

- Finally,I can recognize you... - Stahl's disgust morphed into satisfaction. His familiar grin made me feel so small. It seemed like Stahl wanted to get me out of my

shell. It seemed like he could see through me...through my lies. I was looking at him,trying to figure out what to do next.

- You know my life isn't the same as well...i'm not an Agent anymore. But i can't complain...- Stahl's behavior became strangely relaxed.

- You're still free. Myers must be a good addition to your new life. - I just couldn't keep my mouth shut.

He stepped back,obviously surprised that i knew about him and Agent Myers.

- She came to me with a deal and i could tell that you got your hooks on her. - I anticipated his question written all over his face.

- If i didn't know better,i would think that you were jealous. - His tone was sarcastic and angry at the same time.

- I pity her...- I could feel throbbing pain in my temples.

- No,you don't,Harlee...i don't think that you really believe that i treat her the same. - Stahl was evidently amuzed.

- Better most likely. - I hissed through my teeth.

- Harlee,she is a stepping stone and you know it. - His smug grin was nauseating.

- Just like everyone else. - I crossed my legs and arms like a little girl,offened by her parent.

- You can't blame me for something that you do as well. That's hypocritical. - Stahl moved closer with his ice-blue eyes,glowing with excitement and

malice.

How much i hated talking to Stahl,because he was telling the truth right in my face. The kind of truth that i didn't want to accept.

- What if she is really into you? What about her feelings? - I didn't like Myers,although out of female solidarity i couldn't help but say it to him.

- Since when you care about hurting someone's feelings. Maybe you forgot how you used Nava? - Stahl's face slowly morphed into

the indifferent mask.

- Don't you dare speak his name!- I jumped up,feeling like Stahl set me on fire by mentioning James.

- I didn't kill him,remember. I had nothing to do with it... - Probably my reaction spoke volumes,so Stahl backed away.

- You had everything to do with my life falling to pieces!I remember! - I hardly kept myself from punching him.

- Harlee...justice is served. Deal with it. - Stahl looked at me victoriously.

- Not yet - I mumbled through my teeth.

- I'm sure you need more time but unfourtunately Ms. Santos needs to rest. - The Blondie came up quietly,almost like a cat. She was looking at Stahl with evident

curiosity.

- Of cource!We had such a nice talk. Thank you. I've missed my friend - Stahl's attitude changed completely. He smiled at Blondie with all his fake gladness.

- Harlee,listen to doctor's orders and you will recover,i'm sure. You have my full suport. - He came up to me and took my hand. I wanted to scream and push him

away,but i froze. His hand seemed so warm compared to mine. I felt like a cold corpse.

- Goodbye. - His eyes were piercing me,i clenched my teeth to keep myself from talking.

Stahl let go of my hand and turned to Blondie. They walked away,leaving me standing with my agony.