Afraid. No! More like bloody petrified. Or whatever else is another word for fear, that I can't quite remember just now. In fact I can not recall anything, about my life. Even my own name is lost on me. What I do find strange, is that I know I'm Welsh. Not just because I was told of this either. I opened my mouth to speak and my brain clicked. I am from Wales. I find that very odd, that I should know this. Everything is all very, confusing. Especially the uneasiness I felt, when a woman I didn't even recognize told me that she is my Mam. I've had a few concerned faces all around my bed, weeping. There was a girl crying, I can't think of her name just now. She seemed very upset, her pretty eyes, had turned red from the amount of tears she shed: I try so very hard to remember, I force my mind to concentrate but I just end up feeling very tired. I try to study the face of the woman, I have to call Mam. Surely I should know my own mother. Apparently not, as her face escapes me until she come fussing around me at visting time at the hospital. I've been staring at the wall, because when I try to read a magazine. All the words seem to blur together and I can't be doing with that. Yesterday evening one of the nurses who works here, informed me that I too work here. I just stared at her blankly. In all likelihood, she could be correct but I wouldn't know. I believe it to be the morning now, I can just make out the sunlight, shining down outside in the corridor. When the door to my room was slowly pushed open, expecting it to be one of those nurses checking on me again. I was surprised to see that red headed girl again. I watched as she silently pulled up a chair, near to the side of my bed. Taking a seat, I looked closely at her. Willing myself to recall her name, but I could not. I believe she may have been crying again, she did look terribly sad. I hope it isn't because of me.
'Good morning, Deels.' She uttered weakly, like every note of joy had been taken from her voice. I felt myself narrowing my eyes at her. I really couldn't remember her name, but what was it she said? Deels? Maybe that is her name? Leaning forward, I asked, 'Is...is that your name nurse? Deels?' I waited for a reply, while she sighed.
'No. I'm Patsy. Deels, is a pet name that I call you, Delia.' She seemed clearly dejected.
'Oh?' Was all I replied, glancing back to the wall again, when her voice filled with hope, 'But you remembered that I am a nurse?' She smiled warmly at me, as I returned my gaze back to her eyes. Her eyes are very blue, even behind all the tears. She must be a very kind nurse, with eyes like those. Very compassionate.
'You look like a nurse.' I gave a smile of my own, 'Do I?' Her voice cracked into sadness, as if a river of tears would soon flow.
'Are you with my Mam?' I asked, the first thing that spilled into the front of my head. I just didn't want her to cry.
'Do you want your mother...because.' She began but I shook my head, cutting in, 'Not really. She likes to fuss.' I confessed.
'I know how you dislike that, so.' I started to wonder if I made her feel nervous, by the way she was scrapping her finger nail across her thumb. She seemed quite anxious. Oh? What did she say her name was again? Patsy. Yes, she said her name was Patsy, 'How do you know that?' I suddenly asked her. I guess my mind needed a moment to process, what she had said. I find myself doing a lot of that. I try to orgazine my thoughts, so they make sense. Looking at her, I realised. What else does she know about me. Maybe she knew other things. Perhaps she could help me piece all these jumbled parts back together again.
'I know that because...I know you very well, Delia. We're...close.' She gripped her bottom lip with her teeth. Seeming very apprehensive again. Was she just shy? As I couldn't hold her stare, without her looking away, as she continued, 'We're... We are more than friends.' She stopped suddenly, casting her eyes down to the ground again before she sighed, 'We're best friends.' The smile she gave me, seemed almost forced somehow.
'Oh?' I just nodded, 'Is Mam here?' I didn't know if I have asked her or not, but she always seems to be here, my Mam.
'No, Delia. It isn't in fact time for visting hours. I am only here myself, because I asked Matron for a special consideration. Only because of my diligence working here in the past and for the simple fact that it is you, I am able to sit here. You know what the rules are like.' She explained, I found myself listening to the gentle tone of her voice. It sounded so soft. Very calming. Falling silent, we just sat there. Strangely enough, it did not feel in any way awkward. It felt oddly comforting. It was only when I coughed slightly, that she sprang up from out of her seat and handed me the glass of water that was by my bedside.
'Thank you.' I told her, after I drank a long gulp from the glass.
'Trixie and Barbara, send you their best.' She quickly uttered, as I frowned. Why people keep on insisting, telling me of people I do not know. It makes me feel very frustrated. I can get my bearings, establish my surroundings, just not my past at this present time.
Glancing at me with hope, written all over her expression, she leaned forward, taking my hand into her own, 'Do...you remember any of those names?' Pulling away sharply, I shook my head with anger filling me from the inside, 'No! I do not.' I snapped and I noticed she physically jumped.
'Sorry. I just thought you had a moment of recognition cross your face. I...apologize.' She bowed her head, wiping at the corners of her eyes.
'I can not remember. How many times do I have to keep telling people.' Folding my arms, with a loud sigh. Did they honestly believe I would choose this? Choose not to know my own name or the names of my mother and father? Anger was a very real emotion I was feeling. At everything.
'I am sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Delia.' She wept. Burying her face into her hands. I watched as her shoulders violently jerked with each sob, that left her body. I had no words for her. All I could manage, was to place my hand against the top of her head. I softly petted her red hair. Which only seem to make her, cry even more. I suppose I really shouldn't have snapped at her the way I did just then. It wasn't her fault. I could not blame her for my feelings of anger, 'Don't cry, Patsy. It will be alright.' I found myself blurting out, as she finally made eye contact with me. Neither of us, broke the stare we were exchanging. I really don't know why, I was staring at her. I hope she didn't think I was being rude?
'Oh Deels, If only you could remember.' She spoke the words, as if they were almost to herself, 'Did your mother tell you, that she is taking you back to Wales?' She added, wiping her face free of anymore tears, using only her fingertips.
'Yes. Back home.' I nodded.
'No. Wales is not truly your home, Delia. You left there quite some years ago. Your home is here, in London with... with all of your friends.' She bit her bottom lip again, with a sense of nervousness. I noticed she bites her lip quite often. Rather adorable really, when I think about it.
Pushing the sheet away from myself, I ran my hands through my messy hair, 'Are you included in that?' As I really did not know anyone else. Or if I did, I certainly don't recall them.
'Yes. Most certainly. We spend mostly all of our free time together.' She seemed very firm on this.
'That's nice. What do we usually do, Patsy?' I smiled, patting the back of her hand with my own. I was only too glad that she had stopped crying.
'Well, we sometimes go to the picture house together. You do love your films.' Her eyes really glistened, 'We listen to the dansette together. Go for a coffee. Generally leading me astray.' She chuckled. I don't know why, but I rather liked that. She was clearly being sarcastic. That much I do know.
'Is that right?' I asked with a slight giggle. I hadn't recalled the time I did that since being in this bed.
'Always very willingly though.' She added with a warm smile. She does seem very thoughtful, this Patsy. I can see why I like to spend so much of my time with her. When I ran my hands through my hair again, I began to frown, so I asked her, 'Patsy?'
'Yes, Delia.' A small smile, creeping on her lips.
'Does my hair look a fright?' From her expression, I'm guessing she was not expecting me to utter that. It did seem to amuse her. As she started to carefully choose her words, 'Um. You always maintain your sleek locks, Deels. But I think you can be forgiven this time.' She held in a playful, sarcastic chuckle.
'There was me thinking, you were quite charming.' I too chuckled, as sadness flashed across her eyes. Reaching for her handbag, I panicked for a split second. I thought she was going to leave. My stomach lurched with an overwhelming sense of sorrow. For reasons, I can't really explain. As it turned out, she was merely opening her bag. Revealing a comb, 'Here you go, Deels.' She handed it to me.
As I made the movement to move my hand, my wrist went limp. My mind went numb, blank. The comb fell from my hand, landing onto the bed. Feeling rather befuddled, I felt her hand rest upon my shoulder. Glancing up toward her, her pretty eyes momentarily held me captivated. They seemed full of such unrestrained love. No wonder she is a nurse. Patsy is so caring for others needs.
Tenderly she let my hair fall through her fingers. As she ran the comb against my hair. Soothing me, until I felt a single tear drop fall onto my shoulder. She was silently crying. Before I had chance to reply, I felt a heaviness at the front of my forehead. My eyes becoming laden.
'I have to sleep now.' I muttered, as I lay myself against the pillow. Feeling her tucking me in, I shut my eyes. I wasn't sure how much time had passed, as I stirred. She was still there, as I glanced at her with languid eyes. I could feel the soft touch as she petted my hair. Causing me to fall back into a deep sleep.
A/N - I've been sitting on this for over a week now, but I've decided to post it. I wrote this chapter rather quickly. Another chapter soon. x