PART TWO.
The blonde nurse tried to make me smile and at times she did. Though in my mind, I could not think about anything but going back home to Wales. Funny word really, home because I have absolutely no idea where that even is or what it looks like. I feel as if I have no attachtment there and that is when the feeling of panic begins to set in. I know mam and the man I have to call Pa, wouldn't hurt me but I still had the feeling of dread. Mam genuinely believes that everything will magically get better once I am back in Wales. Our outlooks differ on this and my suspicions tell me I will end up disappointing her.
Staring at the blonde girl, who does seem like a friend. I wondered if she would know more about my homelife.
"Trixie what it is like back home?" I asked, as she looked at me with contemplation.
"I'm sorry sweetie, but I am not the best person to direct this question too." She shook her head, "We have never really fully engaged in a conversation regarding your childhood in Wales. All I know from what you have told me is you simply could not wait to leave there." I liked her honesty, unhelpful as it was and from the information Patsy has also shared with me. I get the impression that I really wanted to fly the nest.
"I suppose I really shouldn't have disclosed that to you considering you will be returning home later on this evening."
"No. I'm very glad you did. I don't want the sugar-coated version of myself. If I'm ever going to find out who I really am again. I need to know what's real." I smiled, as she nodded.
"Yes. I guess your right sweetie."
She did seem sympathetic to the current plight I'm finding myself in. Maybe my initial reaction to her was a little hot headed. Though, on the other hand how well do we really know each other? If I have not opened up about my past. I needed to know more.
"Trixie where did we meet?"
"It was Patsy who actually introduced us." She gave a firm nod of her head, not breaking eye contact for one single second.
I find that strange because when I look into Patsy's eyes, I feel, I don't know? Safe somehow. It's hard to describe when you don't know what is real. When you only have another persons word to go by. I have learned quickly that you have to put alot of trust into strangers.
"She did?" I frowned in confusion.
"Yes. Do you remember her telling you that I also live and work in Nonnatus house? As does she." I simply nodded, as she continued, "Well, one day she just invited you around for dinner. At first, I could hardly manage to speak a word to you as Patsy monopolized all of your time." She chuckled sweetly, and at hearing those words I felt myself begin to blush.
When the sound of mam's voice, cut through the laughter. She was carrying a small white suitcase that I'm guessing must be mine.
"I've packed a few of your clothes cariad." Mam smiled, placing the case down upon the bed where Trixie had been sitting moments ago, "Patsy was quite insistent that I let you pick what you want to wear." She huffed. Seeming weighed down by a million thoughts.
"Where is Patsy, mam?" I asked looking to the door, as she tutted under her breath. I really hoped Patsy would be back by now. I want to spend some more time with her before I have to go home.
"She's still at the nurses home, cariad. She said she would pack away the rest of your things, while I help you to get ready." She told me, all the while rummaging through a pile of neatly folded clothes, "She couldn't wait to get rid of me, if you ask me." She shook her head, as I stared at my clothes.
"Patsy is rather efficient when it comes to tidying." Trixie chimed in with a bright smile.
All of my attention was suddenly fixed upon the suitcase. These clothes were mine. A part of me. I obviously chose to buy them and I wear them everyday. These simple pieces of fabric were the closest thing to me I had that were tangible. Lifting a pink dress that was laid out upon the top, I held it close to me.
"What are you doing, cariad?" Mam questioned, as Trixie touched my arm.
"Why don't I give you some privacy, so you can get changed." The nurse nodded, leaving the room. By her tone of voice, I believe she understood the importance of the moment for me. Whereas mam was clueless.
"This belongs to me." I told her, but even with me trying to explain I still don't think she understood what I meant. At least I would be out of this hospital gown.
Half an hour later I found myself sitting alone. Mam had gone back over to the nurses home to wait for my Pa. Apparently, he had borrowed my uncle's motor car in order for them to take my things home. It's a good job she stayed with me until I was dressed because I had to ask for her help to get ready. Which was a little bit embarrassing. A grown woman needing help from her mother to put on a brassiere. I did not have time to wallow in self-pity for long as I could see Patsy approaching the doors. Hopping down from the bed, I rushed to greet her. My smile faltered slightly when I noticed her eyes were red from crying.
"Pats." I called excitedly, as I seemed to pull her out of whatever she was pondering.
Stopping in her tracks, she stared at me. "You called me, Pats?" Her smile was so radiating, that it made her eyes shine.
"I did, didn't I?" I lifted my hand to my mouth, "It just slipped out. You don't mind do you?" I asked, as she grabbed my hand. It felt like the most natural thing in the world for me to call her. It just rolled off my tongue without having to give it a second thought. I liked it.
"It is actually quite lovely to hear you call me that. You always call me, Pats." She nodded, "I wondered if I'd ever hear you call me that ever again." She bit her lip, glancing down to the ground. When she returned her gaze to mine, she paused. I think she had only just realised I was out of bed or was wearing actual clothing.
I just had to ask her opinion about my pretty pink dress. It had a lovely blue flower detail across it. I just hoped Patsy liked it too.
"You...look nice, as you always do." She sighed, "You have only very recently purchased this particular dress."
"I have?" I asked, trying to read the emotion in the pools of her blue eyes shining back at me.
Patsy's eyes remind me of some clear blue ocean. I imagine if I were to ever look out across the sea again, it would be the same experience as when Patsy catches my eye.
"Yes. It was...in honor of us finally going to move into a flat together." She wistfully explained, as I frowned.
We were going to be roommates? She had never mentioned this before. When did we decide this? Why hadn't mam mentioned this to me either? Before I could speak up to voice my objections of why she hadn't told me this sooner. She began to cry. A dull ache began to course through my chest at seeing the caring nurse Patsy weep like this. Stepping even closer to her, she flung her arms around me with all of her might. The anguish she was clearly feeling was all to event, as she whimpered against my shoulder.
"It's alright." I whispered, rubbing my hand up and down her back.
"It's not alright." She sobbed, "Delia you do not even remember who I am." Those words broke my heart and I felt the sting of my own tears trickling down my cheek.
"I really want to remember you." I sniffed, smelling the hint of bleach and sweet perfume from my red-headed friend.
"Don't forget me, Deels. Please don't forget me." She begged, holding me tighter.
We stayed held there until her breathing became less choked. Lifting her head from my shoulder, she gave me a long kiss upon my forehead.
"I promise I will write to you. I won't let you forget." She exhaled a shaky sigh, as she repeated almost as if to herself, "I won't let you forget."
I did not want to ask her, let me forget what? I really did not want to make her cry again. I guess I can assume she meant her. I would miss her and I really don't know the distance between here and Wales. I wish she could come with me. Patsy hasn't really left my side the whole time I have been here in hospital. What would I do without her? Taking her in my arms again, it was my turn to hold on to her as I hugged her.
"I'm afraid, Patsy." I confessed my fear to her.
Feeling her hands press against my shoulders, she leaned down to give me direct eye contact. "What are you are afraid of Deels?"
"It may sound strange but all I know is this room. Wherever I go now, I won't even recognize. What if nothing feels familiar to me again?" I knew she didn't have the answers to my questions. No one really did, but it felt comforting just to voice my fears outloud.
"Oh, Deels." She held me close to her again. With my ear being pressed so close against her chest, I could hear her heart pounding away.
Thud, thud, thud!
I suddenly felt the impulse to look at her. Moving my head slightly, I rested my chin upon her beating heart. Staring down at me with those pretty eyes of hers, she cupped her hands around my face. It didn't feel strange or queer to me that she should be this close to my face. It was almost reassuring. I watched as her lips slowly parted. Edging closer, until the door hinges squeaked causing her to veer away from me.
Another nurse in a purple uniform came plodding in with some more medication for me to take. I stood there still rather bewildered as the elder nurse made sure I swallowed the two white tablets. Reciting the same old speech to me everytime I take these pills, I completely blanked her. My focus was fixed upon Patsy. Waiting until that nurse had lumbered her way back out of the door, I went to speak but my voice came out a tiny yelp. Falling back against the bed, the room began to spin. I could feel Patsy grip my hand.
Shutting my eyes, I tried to regain my balance. My head felt like it was being used as a drum in some jazz quartet. Taking in a deep breath, my forehead was being caressed. Finally opening my eyes to see nurse Patsy's concerned face, I tried my best to smile at her.
"W...water?" I mumbled, as she darted off the bed to bring me what I had asked for.
Helping me back up into a sitting position, Patsy held the glass for me. "Slow sips." She instructed.
"As dizzy spells go." I supped even more water, "That one wasn't so bad." I chuckled.
"Only you can make a joke at a time like this Deels." She sighed, sounding somewhat relieved as she began to pet my hair.
Looking toward the door, I could see mam. It must mean that it is time to go. Glancing back to Patsy, she had noticed mam too. With a dejected nod of her head, she stood to her feet.
As soon as mam walked over to me, she let out a loud gasp. With a shake of my head, I knew the fussing would soon begin, and I was right.
"Have you had one of your spells, cariad?" She looked me over, as I pulled away. There was no point in making her worry.
"I just went a bit dizzy." I nodded.
"See. You need to be home and away from this place." She sighed, helping me into my coat while Patsy stood by quietly, "Your Pa is outside, waiting for you cariad. Say your goodbyes and we'll be off." Mam nodded, grabbing my little suitcase. I get the sense she couldn't wait for us to leave. Mam had not once acknowledged Patsy since she had returned to the room. This hostility seemed unnecessary.
As mam bustled through the door, I took a moment to look around. Feeling the supportive hand of Patsy upon my shoulder. I looked up and smiled at her. I would miss her kindness. She really has been some sort of angel to me.
Stepping out into the hospital corridor, I could feel my legs begin to tremble. Glancing to Patsy walking along side me, I could see her tears softly rolling down her face. As I drew in a deep breath, to steady my nerves, we had almost reached the main exit doors. When a group of nurse's surrounded me. Turning to Patsy, who had become my much needed pillar of support. Had suddenly stepped aside, almost out of sight as these girl's I did not recognize engulfed me with hugs and fond farewells. Feeling a little dazed, I just gave them a wave as I followed mam outside. It was nice to be out in the open air.
Mam went right over to the motor car, where Pa was sitting in the drivers seat talking to nurse Trixie who was standing on the path.
"Delia?" I heard my name being called.
Turning around, Patsy was standing beside me once again. Her shoulders slumped forward as she wept. She looked heartbroken.
"Patsy?" Was all I could muster, as she wrapped her arms around me. I could feel her hands shaking as they gripped my waist.
I could faintly hear mam telling Trixie what the doctor had said to her that morning about me, but I did not care. Closing my eyes, I held onto Patsy for dear life.
"What am I going to do without you Delia?" She sobbed with despair. That is exactly what I thought to myself earlier. What will I do without her?
"Come along you two." I heard mam bark out, somewhat agitatedly. As she tried to prize my arms from around Patsy.
"No!" I heard Patsy whimper, as she held onto me even tighter.
Patsy was my anchor. She was something safe for me to cling too. Without her, I felt as if I was being thrown into the unknown. I knew if I would protest. Stomp my feet, shout that I did not want to go. That I would be ignored. Mam would simply tell me, she knew what was best.
Mam and Trixie had enclosed on us now. Trying to pull us apart. Nurse Trixie's tone was much more gentle than my mam's. My mam was firm, telling us to; 'Stop this nonsense. You can see her again soon.' But when? When would I see her again? She lives here.
With a heavyheart, I let mam pull me away from her. Patsy's eyes were red, and she wouldn't take her gaze from me.
"Pats?" I called, as mam forced me to walk towards the dark blue motor car.
"Thank you for all of your help girls." Pa nodded to my friends, as he started up the engine.
Watching on feebly as mam pushed me to sit down upon the black leather seats; everything was moving so quickly. My mind could not keep up. As the car door was slammed shut, I jolted. Turning the handle round and round, until the window rolled down. I grabbed for Patsy's hand.
"Never let go, Deels. Never let go." Patsy cried in a hushed whisper, as Trixie stepped besides her. Bidding me a sorrowful, goodbye.
"Patsy." I sniffed, as mam climbed into the passenger seat.
Something deep down inside of me, was telling me not to let Patsy go.
"Come on, cariad. We have to go now. Say goodbye." Mam turned her head to look at me. She seemed angry, but I did not care.
As the motor car began to slowly roll forward, Patsy's blue eyes were doleful. I could hear her mumbling, but through her tears I could not make out what she was saying. I could feel her grip tighten around my hand, as she began to walk along with the car.
"Bye girls." Pa cheerfully waved, as the car began to move faster.
I watched as Patsy ran along side the car. "Delia? Please don't leave me." She sobbed, as she was finally forced to let go of my hand.
"Patsy!" I yelled, my arm still out stretched out of the window. Willing for Patsy to take my hand again.
All I could do was look on, as I watched my best friend fall to her knees, in a crumpled heap by the road side.
As the car sped on, I could see the figure of nurse Trixie rushing to her side.
Patsy was gone, she wouldn't be coming to Wales with me. I was now alone.
A/N - Thank you as always. More soon. x