PART ONE.

Every time I close my eyes, I can see her. It's as if she is haunting me. Why won't the vision of Patsy leave my mind? What is my subconscious trying to tell me? I have so many questions without one single answer. I am getting fed up with myself and all my questioning! I am getting nowhere. I'm constantly stuck and it is so very aggravating.

I have been withdrawn. I know it and mam knows it, but what can I do? I keep myself to myself when I can, and when mam tries to ask what is on my mind, I pretend that I'm tired or tell her I am simply concentrating on the task at hand. It's not that I want to shut her out or hurt her. That is the last thing I want, but it's for the best. It's the only way that I can deal with this secret I know I have to keep. A secret I have to keep buried deep within myself. This strange longing for Patsy will forever be my burden alone to bear.

The one little bit of hope I am clinging to is that I have been practicing how to write and I am getting much better at it. So good, in fact I can now successfully write my name. My handwriting won't win any prizes but it's something. Mam was quick to consult the doctor about my progress. He simply told her that it was a sign that my brain is ready to start healing. That notion filled me with dread and hope all at once. One moment I hope I'll never forget is when mam handed Pa the scrap bit of paper with my name doodled upon it. His eyes were filled with warmth and pride, and he held me with what felt like all of his might. All I want is to make my parents happy.

I have almost, begrudgingly may I add, become accustomed to having nothing to do. I find myself sitting around all day feeling idle. Recuperating, mam calls it. She is quite firm, telling me over and over again; 'You need to rest, so you can recover.' I suspose she is right, but I do feel terribly guilty sitting here on my bed, notebook and pencil in hand hiding myself away in my bedroom, while she has been up since the crack of dawn cleaning.

With a bite of my lip, I abandoned my notepad and made my way over to the window. Moving aside the net curtain, I sighed at the sight of mam on her hands and knees scrubbing the back step. She does take so very good care of the house, as well as me and Pa. I guess this is one of those times where I need to stop wallowing in self pity and think of somebody else for a change. I need to buck up and whistle a happy tune as they say. Hmh? Actually I don't know if they do indeed say that, but the thought of it has left me with a warm feeling inside. Anyway, I think mam could use a cup of tea and maybe I could make her some lunch. She deserves to be the one spoilt for a change.

"Would you like a cup of tea mam?" I offered, as I approached the kitchen. The grateful smile she showed me confirmed to me that, for today at least I won't be so pessimistic about things. I will not give into all these feelings of sadness. I need to be strong.

"That would be lovely, cariad," she nodded, as she went back to her cleaning duties.

It wasn't until I stepped closer to her that the strong smell of bleach hit me. All my breath seemed to leave my body at once, and I grabbed hold of my head which had begun to pound. A high pitched ringing filled my ears as I stumbled forward in search of something to steady myself.

As I fell into the kitchen table, I sent a plate and a glass crashing to the floor. My temples throbbed and I could hear myself cry out. I then felt mam's arms wrap around my waist. She was trying to hold me up, but my legs buckled beneath me and everything went black.

In the haze of the darkness, I could see her. I could see Patsy. She was laughing. She was happy and she pulled me to her side. Patsy had leaned her face so close to mine that our lips were almost touching. Before I knew what was happening the image was snatched away and replaced with a new one. It was mam and she had a little girl sitting on her shoulders, both mother and child were laughing. Wait? The little girl with the rosy cheeks, I realised was me. Mam was dancing and twirling with me in this very kitchen I find myself in now. I could hear her voice.

It was getting louder. She wasn't chuckling now, she was panicked. 'Cariad.'

Her voice becoming even louder; 'Cariad... cariad?!'

With a groan, my eyes began to open and I had to blink away the double vision as I focused on mam.

"Oh thank the lord," she gasped, as she clung onto me, my head safely cradled in her lap.

"...Bleach." The words tumbled from my mouth, and I found myself muttering again as if my mind had a will of its own. "Patsy smells of bleach."

Upon hearing my own words, my voice became stronger. "Patsy smells of bleach," I repeated with all the conviction I could muster.

By the sound of my tone, you would have believed that I had discovered something of great importance, like I had found the meaning to life. Poor mam stared down at me as if I was talking complete gibberish.

"Shush now. You save your strength," she told me, stroking my hair.

It wasn't until I tried to sit up that I noticed I had cut my hand on the fragments of broken crockery. I guess mam had followed my gaze because she winced at the sight of my blood.

"Oh you're bleeding." She inhaled a sharp breath, as she helped me back on my feet, and over to the chair.

"It doesn't hurt too much," I replied, as I examined my palm. "The blood is only light in colour mam, and you know that indicates only a superficial wound." I gave a shrug along with my own diagnosis.

I didn't really give any thought to what I had just uttered, until a wide smile spread over mam's face. Her eyes glistened, like something she held most precious, that had been deemed lost forever had suddenly returned to her. She dropped down the First Aid tin with a clatter, as she wrapped her arms around me.

"Once a nurse..." She trailed off.

I on the other hand, did not share her joy. I may have once been a nurse but 'nurse Delia' is still somewhat a mystery to me. And at this moment in time, I'd rather not dwell on her. My head hurts enough as it is.

So once mam had cleaned and dressed my hand with a bandage. I was given a cup of very sweet tea with a nip of whisky in it and a much needed aspirin. For the rest of the evening, I slept on the settee wrapped up in a thick blanket.

The next day, after a lot of hesitation, mam left me under Pa's care. She had made arrangements several days earlier to meet up with some of her friends for a spot of lunch in the village, and I certainly didn't want her to change her plans because of me. Pa wouldn't hear of it either. He was determined that she take some time for herself and I whole heartedly agreed. I may be cooped up indoors, but that didn't mean she had to be as well.

She made sure I had eaten all my lunch before she left and fussed around me, until Pa had to practically march her to the front door.

"I hope mam has a nice time." I said, head down at the table trying to force my brain to remember how to spell my surname.

"Some time with the girls is just what she needs," Pa replied, joining me with his newspaper. "If we're lucky she might bring us home a chocolate eclair."

"Or a nice Welsh cake." I smiled.

Placing down his paper, he continued to smile at me with a bit of a mischievous grin on his face. "Since we have a bit of the old currant bun shining today, why don't we take a walk and stretch our legs."

"Currant bun?" I grinned.

"Yes. You need some fresh air, melys pys."

What I really wanted to say was 'no'. I wanted to shy away and retreat to the safety of my room, but I found myself nodding. And soon enough we were taking a slow walk into town.

I was rather surprised when we stopped outside of the local pub.

"What are we doing here?" I asked unsure.

"You've been so quiet lately Delia that I thought the company of someone other than me and your mam might lift your spirits."

"I... urm." I faltered, I wasn't sure if I was ready for the company of strangers quite yet.

"You need to be around people Delia. I know you need your rest, but staying in bed all day just won't do."

With a loving arm placed around my shoulders, I felt my resolve crumble as I stared into my Pa's blue eyes. "It'll be a nice change of pace for you, and it might blow away some of the cobwebs as it were."

With my reservations aside, I followed on behind Pa as we went inside the tavern. Low murmurs of laughter seem to fill the large room and smoke hung in the air like a cloud. It wasn't until I inhaled a deep breath to steady my nerves, that the smell of tobacco hit me. The potent smell engulfed my senses with comforting familiarity. Drawing another breath, the now rich aroma filled me with warmth and reassurance. Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all.

My choice of seat was one tucked away in the corner as Pa went to order the drinks. I liked the idea of observing the people as they were coming and going. A small part of me hoped that I might be even able to recognize someone. A face might come into view and a lost memory would return to me, but no one was jumping out at me. Noticing Pa return from the bar, I tried to show him my best smile.

"I got you an orange juice." He smiled, taking a seat next to me.

"Thank you," I replied, taking a sip of my drink.

"Bet it feels nice to be among some new faces?"

"Not really." I admitted with a shrug, taking a longer gulp of my juice.

"It will seem like a bit of an adjustment, but one worth making. You mark my words, melys pys." He gave me an encouraging smile.

As I stared up at my Pa, part of me wanted to open up. Ask for his advice or simply tell him that even though it's wrong. I desperately miss Patsy. Or more accurately, what I remember of her. That I really don't want to see anybody else, I only want to see her. Trying to carefully piece together words in my head that could perhaps explain some of what I'm feeling, my mind goes blank and once again I have lost my train of thought. It wasn't until I felt a pain shoot through my bandaged hand, that I realised I had clutched my fingers into an angry fist.

My inner thoughts were broken by the sound of Pa's voice. "Well, if it isn't Judith. Look melys pys." He pointed over to the other side of the room, as I grumbled under my breath.

"Oh."

A/N - Thank you to all who are still following this story, and another thank you to those who leave a review. :D
I just want to give a million thanks to Steff. Even though she is on her holidays, she still found the time to help me with a read through and corrections. Steff you are an editing star! Thank you! More soon. x