Hiya! Back for a Third chapter- Hope you all had a great new year and a good start of 2019!

Firstly, want to say thank you to all the reviews that I got for the second chapter.

Dodgemaster Shamelessweird xsilvershadesx for your reviews for the second chapter- they were much apricated and I am thankful for your reviews and staying and seeing where this story goes. I glad you like the chapter and hope you guys enjoy this chapter.

xsilvershadesx of course there will be some Lily parts in a few chapters as she holds quite an important role.

Guest Thank you for your review- of course it didn't sound condescending- I like review like that, It lets me know what I need to improve on.

Liz Jean Tonks Thank you for your review- I glad you have given this story a chance- there will be a lot coming in the next few chapters

Thanks Jordanstjulian Miraaaaa Liz Jean Tonks Wolfstar lover18 fesihe03 for fav/follows

Also thank you BlueJay64 for being a beta reader

Again reviews/favs and follows will be much appreciated.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter…. *cries softly*

Chapter Three

[Fourth week of September 1971]

Remus felt sick. Beyond sick. It was his first time changing at Hogwarts, and Remus didn't know how he felt about the situation. He felt more anxious every passing day. So anxious that his friends even noticed. Once they questioned him about it, he simply said that his Mother was unwell and that he had to visit her often. His heart melted when they became so understanding and caring. It was a lot for Remus to take in; he had never had anyone, other than his family, who cared about him. Knowing that they cared made it hurt so much more. Remus was in pain, so much pain, and the physical side if it was just the beginning. He hated lying to his friends, but he couldn't stand the thought of telling them he was a monster. Meanwhile, he could barely think in class, the constant throbbing in his head was making the room spin. Sirius interrupted his thoughts by laughing loudly at a particular joke.

"Ha!" He burst out. "Hey Remus, do you think…" Remus never got to hear what Sirius said next, the rest of his sentence was drowned out by a fresh wave of nausea. It was taking all of Remus' self-control not to run straight to the bathrooms and promptly be sick. But no, he had to keep a straight face around his friends. "Huh?" Remus said half-heartedly. He was exhausted, his mind kept wandering to his soft warm bed in his dormitories.

"Remus?" James waved his hand in front of Remus' face. "What's been up with you lately?" Peter asked, his face creased in a frown. "Are you ok?" Remus could hear the genuine worry in Sirius' voice. Sirius followed Remus' blank gaze over to Amelia McGiddon. "Oh…hmmmm" Sirius seemed to put two and two together, "It's about a giiiirrllll..." Sirius smirked.

Remus realised too late that Sirius thought he liked Amelia McGiddon. "Wait, no!"

He exclaimed. "It's not that"

"Alright, whatever you say..." Sirius said and slapped Remus good-naturedly on his back. The impact of Sirius playful slap was enough to cause Remus' knees to give out. He collapsed, doubling over, his hands clutching his stomach. The stone floor was cold under his knees, and he had to count to ten before it stopped spinning. He looked up to see Sirius looking down at him with a worried expression. "I'm fine, honest!" Remus said breathlessly. "I just didn't sleep much, that's all…" The lie felt thick on his tongue and he knew it wasn't believable. His thoughts were confirmed when James' forehead crinkled, and Sirius grunted an "Uh-huh..." noise sarcastically. Remus scrambled to get his bag, which had spilled when he fell. He hastily tried to cram all the books into his magically enlarged bag, with not much success.

Sirius picked up a rather large arithmancy book wound in black leather. "What's this? We don't learn Arithmancy until third grade! What are you doing with this?" James asked, peering over Sirius' shoulder. "I'm trying to be ahead with my studies, that's all…" Remus said. "Besides, it's rather interesting anyway." As he stuffed that last book into his bag, the seams tore and all of the rest of his books fell out. Remus sighed and went to pick them all up. He was so sick of everything happening so fast. He heard a noise beside him, and turned his head to see Peter gathering as many books as he could carry. James and Sirius joined in after a few seconds. James and Sirius proceeded to frogmarch Remus back to the dormitories, despite Remus protests that he had Herbology. "You've been working too hard" Sirius said gruffly. "You need a break. If you're notgoing to have one, we're going to make you."

"You want to make me have a break?" Remus asked. Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? In all the muggle movies, it was always the student who got grounded and forced to work, not forced to take a break. "Yes, and we're taking your books with us to herbology, so that you can't work for at least an hour." James said, a slight smile tugging on his lips. Remus was confused, he didn't know what to think. Was it possible that they knew? Why were they acting so…so… kind? It wasn't like he was dying or anything, for all James, Sirius and Peter knew, he just had a cold. Remus stopped thinking, it was giving him a migraine. Now that he was in the dormitories, they felt stuffy and constricting. He decided to take a short walk. Remus knew that because he was skipping class, there was no way that he could simply walk around the castle, so he decided to take a stroll near the dark forest, after all, there couldn't be anything worse than him inside it.

The afternoon air was warm, but not unpleasant. Because he was alone, Remus could walk at his own pace, which was a welcome relief, he had barely kept up with Sirius' long stride that morning. He ambled along the forest border, trying to identify all the plants along the forest's edge. It was like his own little herbology lesson. He sat down on a large rock after a while, trying to catch his breath. It really is nice to be out here, Remus thought, but it didn't stop the nerves he felt because of missing class. He vowed to take more of these walks, but in his free time, of course. Remus was so caught up in thought that he didn't notice the approaching crunching of leaves until something was standing right behind him. Remus froze as something nudged his book bag, which he was still wearing. He turned slowly on the rock, not wanting to alert what was behind him. The creature that stared back was enough scare anyone away. Anyone but Remus. The creature was completely black, and they resembled a horse, but they had bones jutting out at odd angles, and their flesh looked like it had been stretched over their body by someone who hadn't read the user manual. Remus knew, from his extensive studies, that this was a Thestral. It—They, Remus corrected himself.

He couldn't bring himself to call a live animal an it. The creature was quite short for a Thestral, Remus thought. They must be a foal. The baby Thestral must have lost its herd. Throughout all his musings, Remus had one thought trapped firmly in the back of his mind, telling himself firmly not to think about it. The reason he could see Thestrals.

The baby Thestral had resumed nudging his bag now, and Remus suddenly remembered that he had left some bacon from breakfast in there. James had been urging Remus to eat something, so Remus had to pretend to chew, all while stuffing the food into his bag. He hated it, but he guessed that the Thestral would love what he had. See, things do work out, he told himself. He reached into the pocket of the bag, (which he had magically repaired after the incident) and brought out what would have been his breakfast if he had actually eaten it that morning. There were a couple of rashers of bacon, a few slices of toast, and an egg. The Thestral went straight for the bacon. Remus was sitting so close to the Thestral now, he could practically reach out and touch them if he wanted.

Once the creature had finished eating, they wandered away, but not before turning back towards Remus, and in a seemingly friendly gesture, lowered their head in an almost bow. Remus smiled, a little confused. What had just happened? He couldn't even remember why he was so far from the castle, during a class period. I should be in class now, he thought. Everything was going so fast, it was so nice to be out here, away from the bustle and busyness of the castle. The sounds of the forest mingled in his ears and he lay his head down on his arms. He wondered if he was ever going to see the Thestral again. His eyelids felt so heavy, so he closed them for a few minutes. He could feel the warm September sun on his face and he let all his frustration and sadness out in a sigh. The birds chirped as Remus felt his consciousness slip away.

He was on a swaying ship, and the water was spraying onto the deck. He and Sirius were trying to sweep the water off the deck, and it just kept washing back on. James was in the crow's nest up on the mast, an eyeglass pressed on his eye. Severus was there too. He was sitting on the front of the boat, wearing a hula skirt and a coconut bra. Remus would have giggled, but he could feel that it was a very solemn boat ride. Even Peter appeared. He had a tray of strange looking food and wore a chef hat. "It's time" Sirius said. Remus' brow creased. Time for what? He tried to say but no words came out. Then suddenly, James appeared next to them all. He was grinning manically, and Remus felt himself be lifted off the deck an thrown in the water, cries of "monster" ringing in his ears.

Remus awoke to a warm sunshine, which must have been filtering through his dorm window. He groaned. It felt like he hadn't slept at all. He reached for his blanket, which must have fallen off his bed while he was asleep. He groped around, trying to find his pillow as well, his eyes tightly shut against the harsh glare of sunlight. His hand felt something wooden, and he opened his eyes. He was holding a stick. He jerked upright. This wasn't his dorm room! He blinked the sleep from his eyes and looked around. He was in the school courtyard! The air was crisp and cool, and the fountains were flowing. How on earth did I get here? Remus thought, trying hard not to panic. He went through the events of the day, and paused when he got to the part where he fell asleep after seeing the Thestral. He frowned. Something was tugging on the edge of his mind. The swaying, the water…

"Remus!" A voice yelled. It sounded like the one that had called him monster in his dream. Remus groggily turned around to see Sirius, James and Peter looking dishevelled and exhausted in their school robes. Remus noticed that Sirius had dirt streaks in his hair. "What happened?" Sirius asked worriedly.

"We were up all night, looking for you," Peter said. All night? Suddenly a thought struck him. He had been out here, all night. "How are you? The storm… we were all worried." James extended a hand to Remus, and helped him up. Remus attempted to brush off the stray mud. Well, that explains the water in my dream, Remus thought. It still doesn't explain how I got here though…. He tried, again, to piece the events of that day together. He was walking through the forest, sat down on a rock, met a Thestral, then fell asleep. So how did I get here? The memory was beginning to surface, dark scales and the swaying, no, that couldn't have happened…. Could it?

"-Hello?" James broke through Remus' revelation. "Earth to Remus?"

"Oh, sorry… I'm just tired." Remus said half-heartedly.

"Come on, we're going to the hospital wing." Sirius said. Remus didn't have the strength to argue, so he just let them lead him back into the castle. Besides, Madam Pomfry knew about his 'problem'. It seemed like no time had elapsed, and they were at the hospital wing. Madam Pomfry immediately shooed the other boys away, claiming that Remus needed his rest. Remus found himself in a hospital bed before he had time to register what was going on.

Madam Pomfry didn't ask any questions, she knew Remus was tired and most likely coming down with a cold. She insisted Remus stay the night, and when he protested, she simply gave him a sceptical glare that could have frozen a volcano. He resigned himself to his bed, but not before summoning his books from his dorm room, earning him another glare and a lecture about saving his energy. Remus fell asleep within ten minutes of arriving in the hospital wing. His last thought was It was the Thestral…

...

The night before his change he had a nap while Peter, Sirius and James went for dinner. Within ten minutes of his nap he woke, trembling, tormented by the images in his head. He knew the nightmares became worse the closer he was to his change. He was shaking, and his head was spinning. His vision was blurred as he ran to the bathroom vomiting. His legs trembled and his vision swam as he grabbed hold of the basin to steady himself. He found that his legs couldn't hold himanymore, and he slid down the bathroom wall. Remus hugged his knees to his chest and for the first time in what felt lie forever, he allowed himself to cry. He cried for James, Sirius and Peter, who were unknowingly befriending a monster. He cried for his parents who he had burdened so much, too much. He cried for the Thestral, who had been so kind, despite being a mere creature. If only all humans acted like that, Remus thought recalling the children who had ridiculed him in his younger years. He curled up tighter, reminiscing. He was sobbing uncontrollably now, the soft tears turning into gasps and hiccups.

Remus was thankful he was alone, if anyone were to find out how badly he broke down… he didn't thinkn his heart could take any more pain. He placed his head on his knee, tightly shutting his eyes in attempted to stop the tears and quickly counted "1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 11" It was a technique he was taught from his mum. He slowly felt his heart rate slowing down "61, 67, 71". Once Remus hit 101, he felt a lot calmer than had did before. The fog that had been clouding his mind for days was starting to slowly recede. He blinked a few times and leaned on the wall to help himself up. He quickly cleaned up and got fresh clothes before returning to bed. He struggled walking back, but the pain in his body was nothing compared to the fear in his heart.

Once back in bed, he laid down and stared up at the celling. The 'bathroom escapade' had left him wide awake and alert. Images were flashing through his head. He tried to block them out, but to no avail. It was like he was reliving the night he was first bitten again. It was horrible. It wasn't like he asked to be bitten, he wasn't even doing anything wrong: he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and it changed everything.

In his dream-like state, he relied every second painstakingly slowly. He had tried, over the years, to forget about the pain, the confusion, the panic, the numbness, the shock. It wasn't something he wanted to remember. Remus also didn't want to remember the person who had bitten him, but yet it remained engraved into his memory, burned into his every thought. It was like he was destined to live his life, carrying around the heavy burden of the pain, loss and guilt. He told his parents that he didn't know the man who had bitten him. He hated lying, but he didn't want them to worry. He knew they would worry if they found out that Remus knew thename behind the face of the one who had bitten him. Besides, what good would it do? The man was not in control of his actions as a werewolf. Remus understood that.

His parents didn't want him to know about the man who had bitten him. Remus had to pretend he had no idea who was behind his transformation. There were times where he did ask about the man, mostly to keep up the charade of ignorance. Remus. When he did ask, his father would become distant and a pained expression would fill every plane of his face. His mum would apologise repeatedly. He must have inherited the 'apology gene' from his mother, he was always apologising one way or another. Remus smiled at the thought of his mum. He missed her dearly, along with his father and younger sister. He knew they lied to him, yet he couldn't help but feel grateful - the amount of times his family had been there for him when he broke down or was really angry… they supported him through the good and bad times. He was really blessed to have them Remus thought with a smile.

His muggle mother took the news of his change very well, especially considering her muggle status. Remus wanted to judge people based on who they were, not their blood status. He was sick and tired of how purebloods thought they were so above muggles and muggle-borns. It was so stupid, he thought. It was all luck; you can't choose where you're born after all. His mother, for example. She had to go through the shock of finding out about a whole wizarding world, and then she had to experience the pain of realising she had a monster for a son. He loved and respected his mother so much, she was so kind and accepting of the world.

She never thought about money, or status. Her world revolved around love. Love for her husband, love for her children, love for the world. Remus wanted so badly to find someone who would love him like his parents loved each other. A special love was all that Remus really wanted, but knew it was an impossible dream - he was a demon after all. That's why his mother's love meant the world to him, it was the only love that he felt he was going to ever receive. He didn't want to mope about that, my mum's love is all I need, he thought, trying to console his dreary mood. Besides, nothing can beat a mother's love…

Remus's thoughts went to his three best friends. He knew he had some love for them - they accepted him-for now… a doubtful voice in his head whispered. Although his friends didn't know everything about him, they made him feel like he was worth something. He knew that half of who he was around them was a lie, but the other half loved that he was able to feel like a normal boy at least once in his life. He wondered what they saw in him. Why they felt he was worth their friendship. Remus shook his head. If they found out, they wouldn't be so friendly… He wished he could say he knew how they would react, but he didn't. He knew that, for now, he didn't want them to know. Maybe when I finish Hogwarts, he thought grinning at the thought his three friends could be his best friends for the next seven years.

I hope you do enjoy this chapter- I felt it was needed to see what was going through Remus's head and I hope this chapter did the best to explain that.

Sorry for take a while to upload it but it had to be just right- next chapter will be up shortly.

Thank you for taking your time to read this- do let me know what you thought about it