~*T*~
Hermione hid her face behind her hand as the big white van labeled "Free Candy" pulled up to the park. "We're gonna get arrested."
"This is a public service announcement, with Guitars," Luna sang then said in a normal voice, "Well, candy."
"Oh?" Harry asked.
"Yup. Pull the table out, Harry," she said, as she rolled down the windows, "And the chairs, Hermione."
Luna dropped the three cases of candy bars on the table, turned back for more.
She opened the boxes and stood behind the table as a small crowd gathered.
"All right, does everyone have a parent or guardian, or a friend who's out of snatching range with a cell phone?"
All of the kids nodded.
"How about you adults?"
The adults looked around, and a couple blushed.
"That's what I thought. What's the plate number of the van?"
A couple kids edged around the front and back of the van, "001 AMK." they reported almost simultaneously.
"Good. What's your favorite?"
The front kid got a bag of M&Ms, the back kid a Milky Way.
"Why do you need to know that?"
"So we can tell the police who kidnapped our friend?"
"Yep." She got a bag of Reece's Pieces.
"Here's a hard one," Luna said, "Why do people kidnap people, adults or little kids?"
"To hold them for ransom, like pirates!" an older kid called. He got a Snickers.
"Or?"
"Because they're crazy, want a kid, and decide to steal one." She got a bag of Skittles.
"Or?"
The adults look at each other askance.
"It's illegal to have sex with someone under twelve," a girl called out, "And twelve's only legal if their partner's less than four years older. Some people decide they might as well add kidnapping to molestation and/or statutory rape." She got a Hershey Bar With Almonds.
"Or?"
"Just plain crazy, and want to eat you, or use you for parts, or just listen to you scream." He got a bag of M&Ms.
"So, do you think it's a good idea to get dragged into a windowless van by people you don't know?"
"Probably not even by people you do know!" a man at the back yelled. He got a Hershey Bar With Almonds.
"Call the cops if you see someone getting kidnapped!" yelled an older girl near the back. She got a bag of Reece's Pieces.
"Now," Hermione stood up, leaned both hands on the table, "It might seem that we're saying sex is bad. Sex with people you want to have sex with, and want to have sex with you, is pretty awesome." She grinned at her audience.
Several laughed back at her.
"If you don't want to have sex with someone, tell them no. Don't be rude about it unless they don't accept that no, but be firm. Some people have been trained that "No" means "ask me again in five minutes," so you need to make sure you don't say "Yes" just so they'll stop bugging you.
"You also shouldn't use "No" to mean "Yes" without making sure you and your partner have agreed on a word for "No."
"Don't be too harsh in your "No" unless they don't take the first "No." You might change your mind, whether the kid you said "No" to was a dweeby little geek named Bill Gates or the plain girl who's only skills are dancing and licking her eyebrows."
Luna licked her eyebrows, left, then right.
The whole crowd laughed.
Harry whinged, "You haven't made it so I can lick my eyebrows," with crossed arms and a cute pout.
The crowd laughed again.
"Any way it happens," Hermione continued, "Telling someone you'd never have sex with them in a million years makes it a lot less likely they'll say yes if you ever change your mind, much less if you're really rude."
"Why would anyone want to have sex before they're old?" a boy asked. He got a bag of Reece's Pieces.
"Well, I had people I wanted to have sex with when I was te-, twelve," Luna said, "and they wanted to have sex with me, but I didn't tell them, and they didn't tell me, so we didn't have sex until we were older. Even if you do want to, you should wait until you're legal. No one has ever died from blue balls, despite what some of the older boys may tell you."
A laugh from the adults.
"One reason not to have sex until you're legal is birth control and condoms can fail. People have gotten pregnant the first time they had sex. Condoms, when used properly, are 87% effective. That means that out of 100 couples having sex regularly, 13 will get pregnant within a year. We had at least one woman in the U.S. who was a grandmother at 21."
Several of the kids looked shocked, and a murmur of quiet conversation broke out.
"Yeah. I'm not ready to be a mother, much less a grandmother. I doubt most of you kids are ready to be parents, and I don't think your parents want to be grandparents yet. Think really hard before you have sex with anyone."
Harry called, "If you got some candy already, wait for everyone else. One candy at a time, once everyone has some candy you can check about seconds."
The kids swarm the table, and Harry turned to Hermione, "Umph, Umph," he whined pleadingly, then stuck out his tongue.
Hermione looked at him a bit side-eyed, then reached out, grabbed the tip of his tongue, and pulled it up to his eyebrow.
"Thankth, Amy," he said, "How come Luna doethn't thound funny?"
"Because I had time to practice," Luna said.
"Excuse me, miss," a little girl said, as polite as she could, "Could I get my tongue fixed instead of a candy?"
"Have a candy," Hermione told her, "If your parent or guardian says it's OK, I'll fix your tongue because you asked so nicely."
Hermione ended up pulling a lot of tongues.
~*T*~
Note: inspired by Weird Al's "That boy could dance" and a joke:
These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar.
"I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."