Chapter 13

Sidorov - Part 9

Santa Monica Pier was alive with colors and sounds. It was Deeks' favorite place in the evening. He and Kensi had just shared a great meal at their favorite Italian place and they were now strolling arm in arm along the boardwalk. It was perfect.

Except.

There was a conversation coming and he was not looking forward to it. Actually there were several conversations he was going to have to have. The one with Nate had gone better than expected. The one coming with Kensi would be difficult, but he was holding on to the hope that their love and respect for each other would weather the storm. It was the one with Sam, that he still didn't want to have, that he was worried about.

On the one hand, if he never saw the SEAL again, his life would be full and complete. He was still harboring thoughts of not wanting to go back to work at all. And the fact that Kensi still didn't know about those feelings was fueling his fear about his session with her. But, he was the only person he trusted to watch Kensi's back and if he had any expectations of doing that again, then there were hoops to jump through to prove to Hetty, the team, Kensi, and himself that he was ready, able and more importantly, willing to rejoin the team.

Deeks hoped that when the time came, he would know what to do. His world, Kensi, was counting on him.

Nate was sitting in his hotel room having morning coffee preparing for his meeting with Kensi and Deeks by reviewing his notes from the two meetings he had had with Sam and Deeks. It had been a very busy couple of days. When Hetty sent for him, he raced around packing, made sure his responsibilities were covered and jumped the first flight available. On the plane he reviewed the files, listened to audio recordings and wrote down a game plan for each member of the team. They were more than colleagues. They were friends, practically family, and he owed them all for his life. He was not going to let them down.

As a psychologist, neutrality and objectivity, balanced with empathy and compassion, were essential. He was very good at his job but this was such a special circumstance that he actually asked Hetty if maybe he was too close to the team to be impartial. Hetty assured him that he was the one to handle this assignment. He knew them all better than the other psychologists within the department and although she didn't outright say it, it was as much for Nate's healing as for the team's. She knew Nate had struggled with what happened in Iran. He was not supposed to be so deep under and hiding for his own survival. And although she knew Nate did not blame the team for his circumstances, Hetty believed the team would help him restore his confidence and in return he would help the team find their way back to each other. She had discreetly contacted the therapist Nate had been seeing after he got back and discussed his potential involvement with the team. The other woman felt it would be a good idea. Nate had expressed frustration at not being with the team during the Sidorov case. Being back would good for him, doing what he did best. It was what the team needed now.

Nate's meeting with Sam had gone as predicted. Sam portrayed strength, confidence, he could handle anything. He would never admit any feelings that would betray weakness. But there were chinks in his armor. Sam felt betrayed and it was quite a list. He was angry at Callen for not calling him from prison to help with the rescue. He was upset with Michelle for staunchly defending Deeks. He even questioned Hetty's judgement in bringing him onboard in the first place. What did she see in him? She oversaw the strongest, most talented team in the agency. What could a cop add to such an elite squad?

Sam was mad at Kensi for not backing his view of the detective. On the one hand, he understood why when she was the first to start defending Deeks early in their partnership. She had to put her life in his hands and saw the value of building that trust between them. But she was the daughter of a Marine, how could she possibly think that Deeks would be an asset? Sam had assumed that despite Kensi's outward support of her partner, she still felt the same way about Deeks that he did. And then she went and married the guy! Sam's worldview had definitely been shaken by all of it.

And then there was Marty Deeks himself. He had been a thorn in Sam's side since the first time he saw him at that MMA gym. Cocky, with long hair, looking like something the cat dragged in. What was Hetty thinking? Nate shared all the reports, including the CIA after action report of the Iran rescue. Sam read everything and then asked Nate why he could never see the detective that way. Nate gently reminded Sam that he was still harboring thoughts of Dom and his perceived failure with the young agent. Anyone sitting in that chair would have become the object of Sam's ire. Sam was also stinging from his conversation with Hetty. Again, another perceived failing as she told him that Dom just wasn't working out and was going to be transferred. But because Deeks was so different, it made acceptance that much harder. Nate reminded Sam that Hetty brought Deeks in because she needed someone strong and experienced to partner with Kensi but she also needed someone who looked like a native to the area. While everyone on the team was great at undercover work, there were times when someone less inconspicuous was needed to embed themselves among the locals. Deeks met that need. Sam knew that now.

The meeting with Deeks was actually more challenging than Sam's was. Where Sam was predictable, Deeks was an enigma. Hetty had given Nate Deeks' personnel file, the juvenile records, his file from his time in foster care, including all the hospital files from when he was a child. Nate was stunned at all Deeks had gone through. Sam had made a comment, saying Deeks never had the training to survive that kind of torture. Sam would be surprised that Deeks' childhood did exactly that and he came through it with an outlook no one would have thought possible.

Deeks was hesitant to talk when they got to the beach. Nate tried to reassure him."Pretty sure you'd feel better if we talked about what's going on in your head."

"Pretty sure I wouldn't."

Nate continued. "The only one who matters in all this is you. My only concern is to get you to the best place you can be."

"And how could you possibly know what that place is when I don't even know. Add to that, trying to keep Kensi from worrying about me."

"Perspective. Seldom do we know what we need for ourselves."

"What I need is sleep." When Deeks admitted to that, Nate knew Deeks would be okay.

"Why do you think you can't sleep?"

"Because everytime I close my eyes, my mind just keeps running."

"With what?"

"All sorts of stuff, man."

Nate decided to push Deeks. "The abduction?"

"Yes! The abduction."

"Torture?"

"The abduction, torture, when I was shot. Falling off my bike when I was 8 years old, stepping on a bee, nursery rhymes. And then there were things like when Kensi was taken by the Russians or when I thought she was blown up in the house during the King case. Infomercials, grocery lists, it's like someone took all my memories and just put them into a blender."

"You went through a traumatic experience, several actually."

"Yeah but that was not my first experience."

"No it wasn't. Your childhood was not exactly easy. And I'm not comparing the two, but your mind is trying to find something from your past to compare it to and it can't. So your brain is working harder to resolve it."

Deeks saw what Nate was trying to tell him. But he was still worried. Would the thoughts resolve and what about Kensi? Would she still love him, trust him to be her partner in the field? They talked some more and Nate tried to reassure the detective that as long as he kept talking, things would resolve. As long as he and Kensi kept talking, their partnership would be fine and once he and Sam spoke, he felt confident, the team would be fine too.

At least that's how it looked on paper. Nate gathered up his things and left to meet with the Deeks and Kensi.

Monty heard Nate approach before his humans did. "Kens, Nate's here." Deeks opened the door and the lanky psychologist came in. Once again, he dropped low to give Monty an affectionate greeting. Nate then stood. "How are you two doing?"

Kensi had just joined the them. "We're fine." They both looked at her. Fine was her automatic answer for everything. "What? Can't we be fine? Honestly Deeks, we need to move on from that." Kensi glared at both boys. "So what's the plan?"

Nate knew the couple was nervous. "I thought we stay here. It's private and quiet. Also if we need to discuss things separately, we have the other rooms to use. How's that sound?"

They both nodded. Deeks mumbled, "This just got real." He took his wife's hand and they went to the couch. Nate sat down in the overstuffed chair next to them, put his files on the coffee table. "You two really need to relax or you're going to hurt my feelings. How about we get something to drink and then get started."

Kensi jumped up, embarrassed that she hadn't thought to offer anything. Three bottles of water were placed on the coffee table. Monty settled by Nate. Deeks thought that had to be sign of something, just not sure what. Nate sunk back in his chair and looked at the couple. He watched as they gravitated towards each other like the sun and the earth, the roles interchangeable depending on the situation. Right now it seemed Kensi was the sun guiding Deeks, protecting him, in her orbit. Over the years, Hetty had kept Nate in the loop with news of the team and he knew that Deeks had been pivotal in keeping Kensi grounded as she dealt with her father's murder case. What was interesting to Nate was that Kensi allowed herself to be protected. Her fierceness, her need to be treated as an equal, had its price. She was alone. Somehow she had found her balance in Deeks. He was confident and not threatened by her and that both intrigued and scared her. The woman sitting in front of her was a better version of the woman he knew. She was balanced, happy and in love with her husband. In a job that doesn't always allow any type of personal life, she had found one with Deeks.

Marty Deeks would give Isaac Newton a headache. He was always moving. The laws of motion did not apply to the detective. Whether it was a bouncing knee, or a hand through his hair, he was always moving and talking. Talking was what made him a gifted undercover operative. Many an op was saved by his ability to talk, whether to get in with a mark or to get out of trouble. Nate remembered when Deeks was missing during the Lasik case. Callen heard some of the exchange between Deeks and Lasik right before he went in help get Deeks out. Fearless and reckless was how Callen described him. Nate chuckled thinking reckless could describe his approach to Kensi. But it worked. He speculated that Deeks also was looking for a place to drop anchor and found that in his partner. As if reading his thoughts, Kensi reached over, placed her hand on Deeks' knee and he settled. Kensi allowed Deeks to rest but she also recharged him. Partners in sync. It was real with them.

"My purpose is to assess how you both are doing with all of this. I am here for you not just officially but also as your friend. And Deeks, no decision needs to be made today regarding your return to work." Nate knew this would blind-side Deeks, as he hadn't told Kensi about his thoughts about whether to return to work, but he couldn't think of any other way to broach the subject so he decided to just throw them right into it.

"What!" Kensi's head snapped towards her partner. "What did he mean by that?"

Deeks semi-glared at Nate. He was hoping to talk to Kensi about this but hadn't found the time or more importantly the nerve. Deeks sighed. "I've been struggling with deciding about coming back to work. And I didn't know how to bring it up. But that was just after I came home. As I have been feeling better, my head has cleared up." Deeks shoulders slumped knowing he hurt Kensi's feelings.

Kensi leaned over and touched Deeks' cheek to bring his eyes back to hers. "You forget how well we know each other. Seems you also forgot, couple, partners, pair, twosome. Where you go I go. You could have come to me. I knew you'd been struggling. I knew there was a possibility that maybe you might not want to come back to work. Guess what? I'm here with you. God, there were times I felt like I was tied to that chair with you. You think you're the only one who's not sleeping? Try being the partner, let alone the wife, that had to leave her partner tied to a chair! I may not have been tortured with a drill but a knife to the heart was just as painful. And if you decide that you're done, then so am I. We go together. You didn't leave me out when Ira approached you about saving Nate and I'm not leaving you now." Tears were streaming down both faces.

Nate watched the exchange unfold. He felt slightly embarrassed to witness such an intimate conversation but grateful the two trusted him and were comfortable enough around him to practically not feel his presence. "Deeks, you said your head was clearing. Where are you about work, the team?"

Deeks and Kensi seemed startled by Nate's voice. They had been so entranced with their thoughts they forgot he was there. Deeks coughed. "Sorry Doc. I guess we got caught up in the moment. Ahh, work, yeah, I think about it. Worried about Kensi. I know I have to deal with Sam. Where is the team about me? I know what my partner thinks." He reached across Kensi's shoulder and pulled her close. He kissed her temple, whispered something in her ear and placed a kiss on his words. Kens nodded and laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes. Her breathing finally slowed down.

"Hetty wants you back. She wants the team back together. She knows there are issues but if you are willing to talk to Sam, then we'll know if this can work. Sam wants to talk to you and if you want Kensi there by your side then that's how it will be. Your call."

Deeks nodded as Nate laid everything out. He looked at Kensi and then back at Nate. "Do you mind if I talk to Kensi about this?" Nate nodded and stood. "I think Monty could use a walk. What do you say fella?" Monty popped up at the mention of a walk. Deeks handed Nate the leash and opened the door for the the two to head out. "Text me when you want us to come back." With that Deeks closed the door.

Deeks then turned towards his wife sitting curled up on the couch. Her eyes still red from their conversation. As Deeks sat down, he held out his arms. "C'mere baby." Kensi went quickly into his arms. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about how I was feeling about going back to work. I'm a coward, you know that. I didn't want to disappoint you anymore than I already felt I had. I love you so much. My head just wasn't back on straight. You know I would never leave you, right?"

Kensi's mind was a jumble of thoughts of past fears of abandonment and loss that Deeks had cured. All it took was seeing him tied to that chair for them to come careening back. Hearing his doubts about coming back to the team was a jolt but not totally unexpected. Spending recent nights waking her husband from nightmares had her wondering where they would be when he was physically healed. Not hearing it from him hurt. But she knew him well enough to know that he would protect her from his dark thoughts. Hers weren't the only past fears that had resurfaced.

The confidence Deeks showed the world was both a mixture of truth and smoke and mirrors. He was very good at his job but he was also the product of a childhood where love and security were not given. It wasn't until he had finally wooed Kensi that those missing pieces were filled in his life. Kensi had done nothing to hint that she now had doubts about him, but the new wounds at the hands of Sidorov opened old wounds at the hands of his father.

Kensi decided to push on. "Are you going to meet with Sam?" Deeks knew his wife was not happy with what was said to him by the SEAL. Hell, he was angry too. But, any discussion with Sam was going to have to take place one on one. He can fight his own battles, but it was nice to know that Kensi had his back and always would.

"Yeah, I am but. ." Kensi was about to insist on being there but he stopped her thoughts just as he did on that hilltop before their lives went to hell. With one last kiss he continued. "But. . I need to do this myself." Deeks then reached into his pocket and texted Nate to come back.

A very relieved Monty bolted through the front door and ran straight to Kensi. Deeks chuckled. "Just once, I would like to be first choice."

Nate laughed. "You're kidding right?"

Deeks shrugged. He accepted his position in the hierarchy once he laid eyes on his partner. He happily played second fiddle when it meant she would always be first chair.

Nate looked at his two friends. "You good?"

Kensi and Deeks nodded. "We are." Deeks then continued. "Set up the meet with Sam. It's time to move on."

Time to move forward.

Deeks sat in the parking lot of the boatshed. Memories started to flood back from other meetings here.

"Oh you are lucky I didn't shoot you myself."

"Promise me you won't do that?" "What's that?" "Get yourself killed." "Well the good news for you is that I have a natural aversion to death so . . . "

"You smell like sunshine. . . .and gunpowder. Two of my favorite things."

"Time to face the music." Deeks got out of the car and walked in. He was the first one to arrive. Kensi had offered to come but he assured her he could handle this. Kensi relented and gave him a proper send off. He was brought out of his thoughts by the door closing. Deeks turned to see Nate coming in followed closely by Sam. The two men faced each other. Sam made the first the move by offering his hand. Deeks stood tall, accepted it and gave a firm shake in return. He was not going to be intimidated. Nate cleared his throat and motion to the men to sit down.

Sam knew Deeks would not give in easily. He shouldn't. Sam called his character into question. And after all that Nate, Michelle and Callen shared with him, he knew the first move had to be his. "You look good Deeks."

"Thanks."

"When do you think you will be coming back?"

Silence.

"Deeks, I realized that I was wrong. Extremely wrong about you. I never should have doubted you. I know I have no excuse but I was blinded by my feelings of failing Dom. And I did judge you by your looks. Never made the effort to get to know you. Should have trusted Kensi's opinion of you. And should have trusted Callen when he called for you to help bring back Nate. You have skills. Everyone saw that. Everyone but me. You are an important part of this team. We need you. And I hope you will find a way to forgive me and accept my thanks for what you did for Michelle and Nate and for what you do for Kensi everyday. She is so happy, you both are. You two are a strong team. I see that now." Sam sunk back into the couch and watched for Deeks reaction.

Deeks sat stoically and listened to everything Sam had to say. He noticed that when Sam came into the room, gone was the superiority he flashed around him. It was a humble Sam Hanna sitting across from him. Deeks wanted to believe everything the Navy SEAL said to him. Both Kensi and Nate asked him to be open minded to what Sam wanted to say.

The detective thought back to something he had once said to Ira Weiss. Life's too short and you're dead too long, not to be happy. The time had come. Was he in or was he out? Deeks stood up and walked across the room. He wanted to be sure he was making the right decision for him, for Kensi, for the team. Deeks turned, walked back to Sam and extended his hand. "Okay. Time to get the band back together."

Nate watched as the two men shook hands. He didn't have to do anything more. Sometimes you just have to let things play out.

Deeks turned to Nate. "Thanks Doc, for everything."

Nate pulled Deeks into a hug. "You did all the work. You and Kensi. You have my number. Thank you for everything you did for me."

Deeks nodded to both men and headed out the door into the sunshine. He pulled out his phone and hit speed dial. He smiled as he heard her voice demanding. "Well?"

"Time to get back to work baby. There's bad guys to catch."

"I love you Deeks."

"Love you too Sugarbear. To the end of time and back."

Thanks to all who have followed and favorited this story. It was fun to do. I can't thank enough my two besties, Stef and Donna for the support and Donna for her mad editing skills. Not sure when I will be back. I'll leave that up to you, the readers and our newlyweds. PM if you have any request. KB