In my battle against my anxiety and depression, stories on this site have brought me great joy and calmness. They are something to look forward to at the end of the day of searching for purpose. In addition to therapy and medication, a little bit of creative writing also helps. I don't know how much I will write or if I will continue at all. Maybe I will finish this and write more, as I have some ideas, all with happy endings and strong women, something I want for my own life. Time will tell, but writing this has helped me for a bit, so I hope you will have as much fun reading this as I had screaming on the pages Jane's monolog. :D

The Breaking Point

Chapter One

The Mask of Serenity has fallen

As Jane sat there on the old Oakham Mount, in the cold November evening, with Miss Bingley's letter in her hand, her look was far away and thoughtful. It has been a week since Netherfield party left and Jane received this letter. Since then, Jane has gone through all kinds of phases of emotions. Denial. Sadness. Grief. Anger…

Last one so disagrees with her character, that Jane couldn't help to be shocked herself, when she snapped at her mother this evening when Mrs Bennet was again continuously wailing about Jane being jilted, the unfairness of the world and how her hopes are lost and that now because of Lizzy, Charlotte Lucas, soon to be Collins, will throw her out in the hedgerows, 5000 thousand a year lost, 5000 thousand a year lost… Jane couldn't stand it, her limits were reached and the dam of her serenity broke as she raised her voice – "Mr Bingley most definitely left only because he could never want a woman as loud and brash as you, madam, as his mother in law, how could he would want to associate with Bonnets when the youngest girls are silly and only think of laces, getting drunk on punch in a formal ball and chasing officers like bunch of easy woman standing on the corners of seedier part of London, while both of their parents just look at them and do nothing, one parent defending or even supporting their actions and the other watching and laughing as his family is disgraced, as the oldest daughters have to try to check them so they would not die out of mortification and embarrassment. It does not matter how beautiful you say I am, mother, how proper and good I am trying to be for the people around me, it even does not matter how in love with me any man I would meet would be, nothing can cancel the negatives that come with a family like this! You put pressure on me to be your saving grace for when father dies and leaves us with nothing but the clothes on our backs, but still you put obstacles in my path to that in every step of my way! You praise my calm demeanour, my good manners and ladylike act, yet you never emulate these qualities you are so proud of in me in your own day to day life!"

"That is enough, Jane! Just because of a young, immature man's departure, you don't have to become like this and blacken everyone in your way!" roared Mr Bennet.

Jane turned to her father with fire in her eyes and said in a biting, harsh voice "Which part of what I said are lies or exaggerations? You yourself hate us, your wife and daughters. You ridicule us and hide from us in your study when things get too loud, leaving me and Lizzy to try to deal with everything and be the adults of the family since I was fifteen and Lizzy thirteen. Even with Lizzy, who is your favourite, you value her mind and wit when it matches with yours, but when she has begged you to take actions when it comes to this family, you dismiss her and her concerns and laugh that she may be her mother's daughter after all. You are the master of this household; you hold the most power to change the course of our lives. We, the women, are compelled to deal with the situation men in our lives puts before us. As a gentlemen's daughter I cannot work, it is deemed beneath my station in life. The only thing I am deemed worthy to sell is myself, when signing a marriage contract, yet when you die and if I am not married, I will have to rely on the good will of our relatives, I will have to find a way to earn a living, to not burden them too much. But what skills do I have? I cannot be a governess because I and my sisters did not have a governess to learn from, so we do not possess the skills necessary to teach others. The most qualified from us would be Lizzy, but even her knowledge is not enough to be decent enough at that kind of job. Our mothers' actions may not help the situation, but she is correct in her assessment that we will be left poor and desolated when you pass on. And I wonder do you really do not see the reality of our situation, has none of the hundreds of books you have read throughout the years have thought you the realities of life or maybe... just maybe you do not care what happens to us and how low we will fall, as you will have passed-on on the other-side and we will not be your problem anymore.."

Mr Bennet looked shocked and defeated while gazing at his oldest. All his self-righteousness dissipated with continuation of Jane's monolog. He felt embarrassed, as he acknowledged in his mind how true her words were. They were his responsibility. They were… they ARE responsibility he made for himself. They did not ask to be born and did not ask to deal with his shortcomings. Jane and Elizabeth certainly should not have been left trying to raise and correct the youngest girls and their mother at no age. They were his responsibility, not theirs. He stood there, with his mouth a bit open, as trying to say something, but no words came out. He just stood there and looked at Jane, as he, with all his Oxford education, could not form words and sentences sufficient enough to remedy this situation and all his negligence.

Jane gave him a last look, said she will go out for a walk and cool her head. She will not be joining them for dinner as there is no food that right now could induce her appetite.

No-one moved to stop her, as the truth in her words settled in the minds of her parents and sisters. Since these words came from ever loving and forgiving Jane, she, who could find good in everyone, they hit each and every one of them like a ton of bricks. Even Lydia went quiet, contemplating, could her youthful flirting had been seen as being loose and had offers for alone time together from the officers had been meant as them wanting to have a bit of fun from her and not them trying to court her. She felt disgusted with herself, as she wanted to be a wife, the first to marry from five daughters, not to be seen as an easy fun to have and then to leave for ruin. But her mother had supported her actions and flirting, she was always talking about Lydia being lively and beautiful, with great assets for her young age and that that will be what will get her a husband. But Jane had pointed out their mothers' flaws and how wrong she had raised them, and no one had corrected what she said, her father only pointed out the tone in what it was said in. This would mean that Mrs Bennet was also wrong about "how to catch a husband" and what a "good husband" is. And that would point out that there were flaws in Lydia's actions, as she was trying to emulate her mother…

The family dinner was quiet. Jane, as she said, had not returned for dinner and the rest of them, especially the parents, were still contemplating Janes words and their own actions. Elizabeth stood up from the table after finishing her meal "I will get something to eat from the cook and go look for Jane. I am quite sure I know where she is right now." Her father's pain-filled eyes rose up to hers and he nodded quietly.

While the Bennet's were having their dinner, Jane continued to think of what to do. Mr Bingley will not come back, she was sure of it, and truth be told, she did not want him to come back. As much as her heart ached for a dream that could have been, she understood quite clearly that that dream could be a reality only if Mr Bingley was a better, more mature and less easily led man. Did she really need to go from the hands of one indolent man to another. From one man, who cannot check the family, he is responsible for, to another, who was led and pulled around by his sisters. No, if Jane is to marry, she will make sure the man she marries is nothing like her father or Bingley. She needs someone strong-willed and kind, someone smart and who is not afraid to face his responsibilities and the consequences of his actions. But a man like that cannot be found here, in this small town. She must leave, no happiness will come to her here.

As she came to this conclusion and a plan of action, Jane heard footsteps behind her. As Elizabeth had said to their family, she took something to eat from the cook and, with a basket in hand, came to Jane. Elizabeth knew where Jane was, the old oak was their place. It was a place of solace from their tumultuous home life, a place of quiet and peace. Like their father had his study, so they had this oak.

Elizabeth put down the basket, she was carrying, near the roots. She sat next to Jane, who had a faraway gaze towards the stary night sky and put her head on her shoulder. Their family was difficult, and Jane had to bear the brunt of it all, as she was the oldest and, in their mothers' mind, "the one that will save them all". No one ever asked Jane what she wanted, Jane was never allowed to be a child, as she had to bear so many responsibilities from an early age. And she bore them with calm demeanour, dignity, and grace, never complaining, always thinking and saying only good, always thinking of others. No one can bear that much, so no wonder Jane had finally snapped. She had every right to be done with everything that she was put through.

Elizabeth looked at the letter in Janes hand – "You know, he could still come back."

"He won't… and I do not want him to return."

"I thought you loved him."

"Did I? Or was I enamoured with the thought of a kind and handsome man marrying me and taking me away from our family? Did I love him or the image I painted of him in my mind that crumbled when he left without saying a word, leaving me to his sisters' harshness, to the wails of our mother and the pity filled looks of our neighbours?" Jane turned her gaze towards her sister "Lizzy, I don't want him not to return because of some spite or injured ego, or a broken heart, I don't want him to return, because I believe that in time, I would grow to resent him. I would resent him for his weakness, for his indecisiveness, for his inability to check his sisters and how they treat people around them, how he would be always led by the opinions of others, that he would forever seek, never to form his own. Can I respect a man like that, dear sister? And, even if I did love him, can love endure such lack of respect?" Janes gaze returned to the sky as she sighed, "I think not. That is why I do not want him to come back. That is not a man I would like for a husband. And you would not want that kind of man for me, wouldn't you?"

Elizabeth sighed and looked to the ground, "No, I would not. You deserve the best and even if I still believe that he would have stayed, had not his sisters and Mr Darcy led him away, he still would be like dust in the wind, led wherever the strongest breeze blows him."

"If we ever meet again, I will have to thank them for their service to me."

Elizabeth rose her head and looked at Jane in shock. Jane sat up straighter and looked at Elizabeth with a mischievous glint in her eyes and a small smirk on her lips, threatening to turn into a laugh, "If they would not have intervened, I would have most likely married Mr Bingley." Janes face turned back to the sky, still holding in laughter, "they thought they were doing a favour for Mr Bingley, well, at least Mr Darcy was, as the two sisters most likely had their own personal, social-climbing agenda, but, as you see, they have done me the greatest of favours, saving me from the most underserving of men." Jane turned back to Lizzy, laughter spilling from her lips.

Sisters sat there by the oak tree for a half an hour more, talking and laughing, planning, and dreaming, before hand in hand walking back to Longbourn. At that very same time they were not the only ones thinking and talking. Thomas Bennet, very unlike himself, went to his wife's room. Frances Bennet sat on the edge of her bed, head in her hands, thinking over evenings revelations. Thomas sat next to her, put his arm around her shoulders and pulled quietly weeping Frances to his chest, "I should have said this sooner… no… I should have realised this sooner, but, my dear, I am so deeply sorry for being such an awful husband to you and a terrible father to our daughters. I should not have exposed you to my constant ridicule and instead guided you and our daughters, taken responsibility for my own actions and life. I am so deeply sorry. I will try to do better by you all."

Frances lifted her tearstained face to her husband, "Oh, Thomas, I will always forgive you, but only if you forgive me for my negligence towards our daughters. I should have raised ladies and I have failed, as I have myself never learned to be one. Our daughters deserve better, but where to start?"

"We will start by asking for advice from two people in this family, who had to do the most and who suffered the most from our actions. Tomorrow we will talk to Jane and Lizzy and ask them for advice on what should be done, on what they want and how do we move forward."

That night Thomas and Frances fell asleep in one bed, holding each other, which they have not have done in years, after a long and heartfelt conversation that they have never have had. Maybe this marriage was not hopeless after all.

Jane and Elizabeth also slept in one bed, knowing, even if everything falls apart, they will have each other, if nothing else.

Mary and Kitty went to bed thoughtful but happy. They felt a wind of change coming with the winter season. As the daughters that were the most dismissed and most unseen by their parents, any change was a good change.

Lydia, on the other hand, had a tough time falling asleep, too many thoughts running through her head. She was young, but she was not stupid, she just wanted attention, and in her young and naive look on life, she would gain attention by emulating her mother and what her mother set as high achievements – to be lively, to be beautiful and to marry as fast as possible. That is all that was for her for all these years, but now mother seemed to be in the wrong and her actions was laughed at behind her back. They though she was silly. They thought she was an easy prey for a little bit of fun time. An easy snack to have while on the move to the next place. If that is what kind of men her actions have attracted, her actions needed to change, she needed to change. But where to start?