Chapter Thirteen: Sharing Secrets
In the two days that we were gone from Caer Bronach, they managed to clear out more of the rooms. Unfortunately, a trade caravan had arrived in our absence, so we are still going to have to share rooms tonight. I can't seem to win lately. I remember my decision to leave this evening, and start planning my strategy.
I know Varric will expect to room with me, as before. I don't think I can get out of it, but I have no intention on sleeping here tonight; even despite the promise of a comfortable bed. I sigh, thinking about it. How should I leave? Can I tell him that I need to go without revealing too much?
Food has been prepared for us again, and we sit down to dinner. Thankfully, the others keep the conversation going. I risk a glance at Varric and find that although he's engaged in conversation with the others, he's looking at me. He's a man who hides his intentions well. There's probably a lot I don't know about Varric Tethras. The thought is actually calming. I don't know this man very well, he's the secretive sort, and he'd never outright said he had any plans to pursue me. Maybe I'm overreacting.
I pick at my food for a while before giving up. I decide to go for a walk, clear my head. Of course, he follows.
"Firefly, can I talk to you?" he asks.
No, you can't, I think petulantly, but I can't say that to him. "Sure, Varric. Walk with me?"
We go, just the two of us, but I see Garrett noticing us leave together. He has an odd expression that I don't bother trying to qualify. I lead the way out of the main keep and up a set of stairs. We stop on one of the upper walkways. I look up at the night sky, and see the velvety blanket of stars dotted with small clouds. A light breeze blows over the ramparts. For Crestwood, it's a nice night.
"Firefly, you've been different ever since we left camp. I gotta ask, are you alright?"
"I'll be fine. I've just got a lot on my mind."
"I'm here if you need someone to talk to."
"Are you? Are you willing to share your secrets with me now, because last I checked, you usually avoid talking about yourself. And yet, you want me to share my secrets. Let's be honest, Varric, neither one of us is good at being open with people."
He recoils, and I immediately regret saying it.
"Sorry, that was harsh. It's not really you that has my temper up, Varric."
"Is it Hawke?" he asks.
"No, it's not him, either," I admit. "Varric...I know you two talked earlier. I didn't mean to, but I overheard your conversation."
"Well...shit," he says.
"I'm not angry, it just set me to thinking. None of you really know me. There are things about who I am and where I come from that would change how you see me. I'm pretty sure you're better off not getting too close to someone like me."
"What do you mean? You're not going to blow up Skyhold are you?"
Despite myself, I laugh. "No, nothing like that. My desire to help the Inquisition is genuine, even if my brothers think I'm foolish for being here and offering our knowledge. I'm just...not who you think I am."
"You know, Firefly, I can't help but notice something you haven't mentioned."
"What's that?" I ask, suddenly on edge.
"Hawke says you turned him down cleanly, told him you weren't interested. And I was there when you told Declan you wanted to be just friends. But you haven't said that to me." He moves in closer.
I take a step back. "Varric, that isn't a good idea."
"Oh I agree, It's probably a terrible idea, but I believe you're having the same one. You still haven't said it, you know."
I blush and look away.
"Maker, you're adorable when you do that," he comments.
"Oh, let's not bring him into this," I reply.
"Okay, secret number one, you're not Andrastian. I can live with that so far," he says with a small chuckle.
"We're trading secrets now?" I ask, shaking my head.
"Yeah, and I'll share one...I'm giving serious thought to kissing you right now." He takes another step toward me. I back up again, but bump into the railing of the walkway.
"That's not exactly a secret," I tell him, looking at him. Now that we're standing close, I realize we're not that different in height, roughly about the same size, really. I might be an inch taller, tops. I hadn't thought his frame intimidating before, but I notice the strength in his arms and I feel a little flutter in my chest. I swallow.
"Okay, fine, I'll do you one better," he says. "Yes, Bianca was a real woman, a surface dwarf. She and I were involved years ago, but her family didn't approve. She ended up marrying someone else."
"Ouch, that's awful. So the two of you stopped seeing each other?"
"Not at first, but eventually, yes. I still care for her as a friend, but anything else ended a long time ago."
"Why didn't you say something before now?" I wonder.
"And risk making you uncomfortable around me? I liked that you wanted my company, and you made the assumption, so it was just easier not to say anything. What about you? Any long-distance lovers I should know about?"
"No, it's been a long time since there's been anyone," I admit. "But I have an overly protective family, too, you know."
"Shit, don't remind me. How bad are we talking? Assassins? Fire spells? Dragons?"
"At the very least," I laugh.
"I've handled worse." He grins, and moves in a little closer.
The flush returns to my cheeks. "I was planning on leaving tonight," I confess, blurting out the words.
His brow crinkles in confusion. "Leaving? Where would you go? We're in the middle of nowhere."
"More magic secrets, but I have a way. I was coming back, I would have just met up with you back at Skyhold. I still think it's a good idea. You...you make it hard for me to think."
"Then I'll have to give you something to think about," he says, and, wrapping one of his muscled arms around me, pulls me close. "Enough dodging, last chance to tell me to stop, Firefly."
I should tell him to stop, but I can't. Heart beating hard against my chest, I don't say anything. That foolish, stupid part of me, the same one who wanted this in the tent, is back. I want this. He closes the rest of the distance, and Varric kisses me, standing on the ramparts of the keep under the light of the stars.
His lips meet mine, softly at first, pressing gently. Then again, deepening the kiss. I feel a coil of desire spiral through me and I give a soft moan, sliding my hands around to rest on his lower back. He takes it as encouragement to continue, and his tongue enters my mouth, the gentle friction causing dizzying sensations.
I break away from him. "Secret number two for you, Varric. You're a really good kisser."
"Ferox…" He kisses me again, pinning me against the railing. He used my name again. I laugh a little into his mouth before the passion takes over, and it's all about his kissing again. Stars, he really is phenomenal at this.
"Stop, stop," I finally gasp, trying to put a little distance between us. "Anymore of that and I'll melt where I stand."
He chuckles, and leans in to whisper in my ear, "At least I'm sure you like me now." He backs away from me and takes my hand, pulling me away from the railing.
"That was never the problem," I smile at him, a little embarrassed at my confession.
He returns the smile, and looks away. "Share a secret with me, and I've got one for you."
I think about it for a moment. "Okay, I've got one. I know I said I'm from Ferelden, and I've traveled all over, but I've probably spent more time in Tevinter than anywhere else. I know that's not exactly a popular place with people around here."
"But it makes sense. Where else would you go to find people who know about dragon magic than the place where they consider them gods?"
"Funny how they get their own religion wrong, though," I comment.
"What are you talking about?"
"The ancient dragons weren't gods."
"Uh yeah, that's obvious."
"The dragons served the real gods."
Varric's humor dies flat. "Wait, Tevinter lore has gods that aren't dragons? I've never heard that before, and I've heard a lot of stories."
"It's an old story, so much so that it's been forgotten by most, and not recorded in many places. Someday, I'll tell you the tale. But that's one already for me, Ser Tethras. You're getting greedy. It's your turn."
He grins. "I lied when I told you my reasons for your nickname. I think it was the first night in Skyhold. I'd just met you, and here you were, this small human with such an impulsive, fiery spirit. And then you bumped up against me, and you smelled like a midsummer's night after a thunderstorm. That's why you're Firefly."
"Oh, Varric…" I look at him.
I meet him halfway this time, and we share one last, long, sweet kiss.
"We should probably get inside. The others will talk," he says begrudgingly, shaking his head.
"I doubt we can stop them anyway. The Inquisition certainly likes to gossip. But you're right, you should go back."
"Me? Where are you going?" he questioned, frowning again. I pull my hand out of his.
"Sorry, there's something I have to do. I'll see you at Skyhold. Tell the others for me?"
I don't let him respond, and with a twist of my ring, Caer Bronach and Varric's confused expression are gone, replaced with an entirely different landscape.