Chapter Sixteen: Family Chat
I attempt to fix my hair as best I can, hoping it isn't obvious that I've just been thoroughly kissed by an amorous dwarf. I exhale a breath of air. How am I supposed to do this? Tenebris is never going to understand. It's astonishing to me that he even made a decision to stay for a while, and hasn't already tried to drag me out of here kicking and screaming.
I walk back into the mayor's former home and see that things haven't changed much since I stepped out, other than most of Declan's people have finished eating. Tenebris laughs at something Hawke says; I couldn't make it out. I go over and sit between my brother and Declan.
"What's so funny?" I ask.
"We were swapping stories of what it's like to grow up with twin siblings," Tenebris says.
I roll my eyes. "We're not that bad, are we?"
"Yes," they say in unison, and even I laugh a little at that. I notice Varric is back. He must have come back in not long after I had.
"It's not exactly easy being a twin, you know," I protest.
"Yeah, I know, Bethany still talks about what it was like, how it's different, and Carver has been gone for years now," Garrett comments. "She said she and Carver would often know what the other was thinking or feeling even if they were nowhere near each other."
"Yeah, Lucis and I used to be like that...well, before, anyway."
"I remember you mentioning that he lost someone he cared about," Declan says, his tone serious. He tucks his auburn hair behind his ear and away from his face.
Hawke frowns. "Maker, I didn't even think about how it must have been for a twin to experience that too."
His use of my brother's other name at the beginning of the statement makes me pause for a moment, but I confess, "It was bad after she died. It hurt, but I didn't know how to help him. I became so angry for him, but I think that hurt him, too. I couldn't even give words to what I felt, because it wasn't my own pain. Finally he shut me out, which was worse."
Tenebris puts his arm around me. "He's still with us. He's just different now, that's all."
"I know. Thank goodness for you and Etiam. I don't know what I would have done without you."
Garrett states, "My family has had more than its share of tragedies. You make me want to contact my sister."
"As well you should," I tell him. "Family is important."
"Your family seems very close," Declan comments. "I'm a little jealous. I wish my own had been more like that. My own family wanted nothing to do with me for the longest time. Of course, now that I've been made Inquisitor, they want to act like a family again."
I pat his hand. "You have a new family now: the Inquisition."
He smiles at that. "I suppose I do."
"Family is never simple," Varric states. "All I have left is my brother, and he doesn't even remember me some days."
I look at Tenebris. "Varric's brother was affected by red lyrium. It drove him to madness." He nods. "Maybe your research might be able to help people like him."
"I hope so," he answers. "That shouldn't be happening to the lyrium. And yet it is, and seems to be spreading worse from what I've just been told. I worry for all of us if it continues."
"Sorry," I apologize to everyone. "I didn't mean to bring the mood down. Want to hear a story about Tenebris?"
That got my hair messed up again, so I pouted at him. "Spoilsport. I see the way you are."
"That's right, I'm allowed to pick on you. It doesn't go the other way," he states firmly, and I just shake my head.
"Should we be expecting your other brothers?" Declan asks.
"I really hope not. One is bad enough," I joke.
"Still, if they're all as helpful as the two of you are, they'd be a welcome asset."
"I'm sure they would, but you haven't met them. They're different than Tenebris and I."
"How so?" Garrett asks.
"They look completely different from us, for one," Tenebris offers with a laugh. "The blue eyes are the only thing we really have in common in terms of appearance. They're both blondes."
I further explain, "They also think a lot differently, much calmer than the two of us, but that leaves them coming across a bit cold at times, Etiam in particular. I do think he'd have a few pieces of wisdom to offer you in terms of the demons and rifts, though."
"See? He sounds useful," Declan observes.
"I doubt Etiam would ever agree to join the Inquisition," my brother adds. "He doesn't exactly play well with others."
"That's funny, before you came back with me, I thought the same thing about you," I joke.
An agent enters and announces, "Your horses have been cared for, fed and watered. They are ready whenever you wish to leave."
Declan nods. "There is still plenty of daylight left; we should be getting on the road. But we don't have an extra mount for you, Tenebris."
"He can ride double with me," I offer. "Darkforge is a strong horse."
"No, we can't tire one horse out that much on such a long trip, it will slow us all down," Declan declares. "We'll split the time, taking turns riding double on different mounts until we can acquire another, or until we reach Skyhold, if we're unable to do so before then. I'll send a raven back with the request."
"You just mean me, don't you?" I ask. "You mean to say I have to take turns riding double with the others."
"Well, you are the lightest," Declan explains.
Tenebris frowns. "No."
"I realize you don't like this, but it will only be until we meet up with the riders from Skyhold."
"No," he repeats.
"Give me a moment with my brother," I state, and pull on his arm, attempting to steer him toward the door. He allows it, but stares at Declan until we reach it and he finally has to turn around.
"I don't like the idea of them touching you," Tenebris tells me as soon as we're alone.
"I'm getting that impression. But unless you just want to admit that we have transportation magic, I think we're stuck waiting for a horse."
"I can't believe you're okay with this. I believe you used to refer to them as 'filthy humans', or have you forgotten?"
"Things have changed."
His mouth dropped open. "Son of a...which one is it? Point him out and I will kill him."
"What?!"
"Which one has touched you, Ferox? It's the only thing that makes sense. You like one of them and allowed him liberties."
"I...that's not how I wanted to bring up the subject, but-"
"Not even you could be that monumentally stupid."
Ouch. I knew he'd be angry, but I didn't expect that. "Guess maybe I am, dear brother. I wanted to talk to you about it, but yes, there is one I plan to continue seeing on a personal level."
"Did you hear nothing of the conversation that we just had? Lucis's grief nearly broke all of us. Do you think I could bear to watch my only sister go through the same thing?"
"You don't know that's going to happen," I protest.
"You haven't thought this through."
"I have, I-"
"Ferox, just listen. I know, in the end, if this is what you choose that I cannot stop you, but just let me speak."
When I show him I intend to let him talk, he continues, "You haven't thought this through. That man, whichever one of those pathetic fools you have chosen, can't possibly love you. You've been here, what, less than two weeks? This is an infatuation, a momentary passion, and it will pass. And mark my words, Ferox, you will lose him. This is a world at war. Even should he live to see the end of his natural lifespan, which is unlikely, that gives you what, thirty years, maybe fifty if you're lucky? That's nothing for beings like us. In the end, you will be alone again. Only your heart will have been invested, your grief eating at you as you watch him grow old, wither and die. Better to just kill him now than to give you time to form attachments."
"What if he chose to become like us?" I ask softly.
"Do you even hear yourself?! That man doesn't even know what you are, let alone who you are! He can't possibly make a decision like that after this kind of time. If you won't stop for your own sake, consider what it would do to Lucis. When Andraste burned, you felt his pain. Have you considered what yours will do to him when the time comes? You'll only be compounding his loss by adding your own."
He's right. I wasn't thinking clearly. I hadn't thought about what my own loss would do to Lucis at all, I'd only selfishly thought about what Varric would think of me when he learned the truth about my family. I...can't be with him. I'm sorry, Varric.
"Thank you, Tenebris. I think I needed to hear that."
He embraced me. "Your happiness is all I want. I love you, you know. But this can only bring you pain. It's not too late. I can still kill him, if you like."
"No, I'll break it off. You're right."
"So which one will you not be riding with, then?" he asked pointedly.
"The dwarf," I answer, sighing.
He chuckles. "At least you had the sense not to choose one of the humans. Or the Qunari. I think that would have been worse."